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This is the reason many of us stress not getting into another relationship so soon after one has ended, especially if it ended badly. If you know someone who is just coming out of a relationship, they are vulnerable, leave them alone. You aren't doing them any favors.
Homegirl 50
The comment re:urges was very much tongue in cheek. I have other things to sort out in life 1st anyway and they do not revolve around the ex.
I was not referring to the "urges" comment. I was making a general comment about becoming involved with someone who has recently left a relationship.
Well I agree wholeheartedly with your general comment.
Think I have learnt that one the hard way, i.e. my comment about getting together too early after her split from marriage, 3 months split from a 12 year marriage.
You seem to be doing quite well. She has problems with control and stability, but you also enabled that by staying with her for three years.
She will move on in time just as you have and hopefully she will learn things about herself and improve things that will help her in the future.
Well yes I am doing OK thank you. You are correct that I did indeed enable that behaviour, takes two to make or break a relationship. I do accept that and have to look at my role within the relationship as it was.
The more I reflect back on her, I am realising more and more issues that she has and I think sadly that she will always suffer. With that said I am not making her an icon of hate, she is such a lovely, warm, funny person in so many ways, just with plenty of baggage.
Well she may not always suffer so let's not even speak that. She may come out of this a better person. Lets speak positive in her life.
We all have baggage
I see you are a gentleman... you have said some very nice things about her. I guess I myself get so used to hearing bad comments about an ex.. it's nice to see someone who doesn't blame the other for the relationship.
You'll do fine.. I'm betting on that. God Bless You and your little sweet boy... Kit
Now you can deal with YOUR issues, whatever they are, and not be distracted by HER issues.
Kitka22
Yes I think I will be fine thanks :)
She is carrying so much guilt at the moment, bless her. It's her birthday today, I did drop a card round when I knew she would be out. Nothing special just a humorous card from my son and I. She texted to say thank you, a couple of more texts later to each other (nothing heavy) I left it at that. I feel at some point in the near future I will tell her that I now understand the decision she made and why she made it. It wouldn't be to hurt her or make her feel like crap, I will be empathetic and hopefully ease some of her guilt. Maybe in the long term future we could be friends, I simply don't know, as you know that takes time!
talaniman
Yes indeed. There is some working out to do there, I mean for me. I am not quite sure why I put up with her lack of commitment for quite so long (infact I would still be there now), and continued to give her everything... too much in fact.
I have been self employed for some time now and have let things slip, in all honesty I have lacked motivation and drive for some time. I have decided to pursue there career I had previous to becoming self employed.
I am not depressed or unhappy, in fact my cup is always half full! I just need to sort out the above and probably a little more.
Anyway, thank you all very much for input here, I do appreciate it.
Just a little update:
I texted yesterday asking if she was OK and said that I understand now why she ended the relationship and that she shouldn't feel guilty for doing so. I texted as I know she finds it very upsetting talking about it.
She replied and asked some questions about what I was saying and said it was difficult to do by text but she finds it too painful to actually talk face to face about it and that she feels desperately sad and wants to feel differently but can't.
I explained that I thought it was a one sided relationship, I felt we got together too soon after her marriage split and that she made the right decision and once again to try not to feel guilty.
She sent a long text explaining that she feels her relationships in the past have been difficult because she was never in them as a proper adult, her husband did everything and that left her powerless then I came along, saved her and she didn't have to function again fully. She relied on me emotionally it was more than helping out here and there.
She said she loves me but not completely for the right reasons, and that she could be with me quite easily but she has to stop history repeating itself and needs to feel that she can function in her own right and that she can't do that with me, I end up feeling rejected whilst she struggles with her emotions.
She went on to say that I am great and lovely and she misses me but can't be with me and that she has to stay strong in her decision although she finds it very very tough.
I replied and basically said I understand and that I couldn't go back now to how things were/are, although I of course love her and the children and miss them all.
We texted some more light hearted stuff and things seem OK between us, which I see as a good thing of course. Whether we can be friends in the long run I simply don't know, but certainly not right now, it wouldn't be good for either of us.
I am glad that we had the text converastion and hopefully she feels the same way too. I am OK and accepting of the situation, Whilst I still think about her quite a lot, that big hole and the ensuing pain is no longer there :)
Good for you and blessings!Quote:
Originally Posted by Tired10
Thank you Kitkat22.
We have always communicated quite well, although there were obviously these underlying problems which remained under the surface and were not talked through, shame really. I do not propose it would have saved the relationship, rather ended it earlier!
Well I didn't have such a great day yesterday, just felt a bit down generally. No contact at all with her and then 8AM this morning a text, asking if I was OK and if I could get money back for flights I had paid for.
I replied saying I can get the money back no problem as they have changed the times both ways, which they have. Anyway after a couple more texts she once again apologises for the breakup and says she would like to best friends and to go on holiday but knows it probably wouldn't be possible now.
I said I couldn't be best friends in fact not even friends with her as it would be just too painfull for all those involved. I don't want to know who she is seeing and vice versa.
I think after that text she will now leave me alone. I believe it is best all round for everyone that we do not see each other anymore, there is simply too many emotions involved, I think we are both moving on, as hard as we both find it.
Yep, that s probably best.
And no more texting either!
Homegirl 50
Yes I think you are correct with regard to texting, as difficult as I am going to find it to not reply if she texts in one of her needy moments.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
You're doing the right thing! Have a great weekend.:)
Well here I am again with my blog.
So she texts after midnight Friday eve, how did job interview go for me and she had just won a keyboard in a raffle whilst out.
I ignored the text, so predictably she texts again yesterday to ask if I got it. I say no and she just asks about my job interview. I reply and we leave things there.
So I wake up this morning at 5AM and cannot get back to sleep, Oh and silly me decides to drive by hers, she only lives a mile away, oh and see a car outside her house. I am no stalker and it is the 1st time ever I have done such a thing, honest! I just had an inkling she was seeing someone. Yes I know damn well it is not my business, but curiosity and all that.
So like a fool I text her and ask her, on the basis that she made me promise to tell her if I was seeing somebody else. After a few texts she says she has been seeing someone this weekend, she doesn't want to fall out with me, she has done nothing wrong and just trying to get on with life.
I reply saying OK, but you said a week ago or so you didn't want a relationship with anyone and now you appear to be in one, actions speak louder than words. Also said I wished she had left me alone after our split and she cannot seem to do that.
So she calls me in tears, saying it is not what I think, he did stop there but nothing went on. She really cares for me and doesn't want me out of her life, for instance she wanted to tell me about her great night out on Friday, I said she she tell her new man about it all and not me, why me!
I said I want no contact anymore as it is damaging me and setting me back and once again I cannot be her friend, maybe one day in the distant future when I care no more who she is seeing. I also apologised for the drive by her house. She was very upset by it all and I feel bad for my behaviour, I should know better. Whilst at the same time she should not keep contacting me.
Anyway I sent her an email setting out exactly why I need no contact with her at all, and that it would help her too. I also said it was none of my business what she was up to, but it is the contact that is making me not able to let go of her and I am OK and she starts contact again, which just puts me back. She replied saying thank you for the email, I am correct what I am saying and that she will reply in full tomorrow.
Oh dear what a mess I have made here with my actions. Anyway looks like we are now finally in a proper no contact situation. When oh when will I learn.
No you're not, because she will respond to your e-mail and you will respond back.
No matter what she says in her response, leave it alone. Ignore any text phone calls... Leave it all alone. She has moved on, It's time you do. For real this time.
I will not respond to her email. If she has moved on, they why the hell can she just not leave me alone? For instance talk to her new interest about her night out and not me?
Is it just she is familiar talking to me and just finds it hard to break the habit? I suppose I could try and analyse all day, like you say I need to move on and properly let go.
It has been 3 years and it is probably hard for her too. She is familiar with you. She may even be concerned for you.
But you have been told many times, if you ignore her calls and texts, they will eventually stop.
So I'm telling you again, ignore her and she will stop.
Homegirl 50
You are correct, I MUST ignore her. I have just read through this whole thread again from the start. At points I have been OK, only to be drawn back in once more with contact. So no contact it must be!
Hang in there young man. The longer you go with NC and stick with it, the less the pain. You will get through this.
Thanks :) I know I will be OK in the long run.
I am just cut up right now, i.e. Why does she say all this BS? I love you, I miss you, Can't get you out of my head, I could so easily be with you, Maybe if we go on holiday things will be OK. Next minute she has another interest, quite cruel in my opinion.
I know that no contact will see me through and I will stop thinking of her constantly, I just find it odd/weird behaviour.
If you think about it, she is going through the same yo-yo feelings you are, she is just moving on.
Women tend do be more vocal about their feelings so she is telling you how she feels. NC is probably hard for her too but this is about you and helping you cope.
NC is the key.
Yes I am sure she is on a yoyo, just not my yoyo! :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
I guess her actions are what says it all, rather than her words. Still bizarre though, when I enter into my next relationship there is no way I would still be texting the ex habitually. Think I would soon to be told where to get off, unless I did it secretly of course, what a great relationship that would make!
Men and women handle things differently. But the point is she is in the moving on stage, so you need to go full NC and move one yourself. Stop trying to figure her out.
Hi Tired10,
I think the initial problem was with both of your divorces.
You had both been with your then wife/husband for a period,also there were children to be considered, which makes the whole situation very complicated and much more painful.
There were only a few months in between all of these complications and upsets before you both decided to become a couple.
Sometimes this can work, but on average most people need time and space to come to terms with their divorce and all the trauma that this brings.
Once this has passed they can then feel free to move on with their lives.
However, guilt can be an enormous factor for some people after divorce, despite who's to blame,showing it's self in various different ways, loss of appetite, sleeping problems, depression and all of it's highs and lows.
I think there is a lot of self doubt, from both of you, which is understandable, you will each deal with it in your own way, eventually coming through the other side ready to move on.
This is a very sad situation, especially for the children, I know, having read through this entire thread that everyone is telling you to move on, I disagree...
I feel she loves you and you obviously love her, despite the aggro.I can see that she gives mixed messages, regarding going out and so on, I feel that is just her putting on a face if you like,in an up spell, what ever way you wish to phraze it,typical of depression.
I can see that whilst you talk of her texting etc.. annoying you not allowing you to move on, you feel sad and down if you haven't heard from her.
I think you should meet with the children as usual, treat each other with respect and honesty you all deserve, enjoy each others company, take things as they come, let it develop naturally with no pressure from either side and you never know what the out come may be once the pressure is off.
What ever you decide I wish you luck.
Thank you for your reply Orphan.Quote:
Originally Posted by 0rphan
I truly think there is no future, I do love her and of that she is no doubt about. She says she loves blah blah etc, however a happy relationship that does not necessarily make. I told her again today that I probably never felt truly loved in the relationship and whilst I probably want to still be with her I could not go back to how things were. She knows she cannot give me that (although dearly wishes she could) and has also said that her initial offer of a drink from a man she was going to accept so that she could test her feelings for me!
If the children wish to see each other then maybe I can accommodate that in the nearer future, however I will not be engaging visiting her.
I feel that me saying that she made the right decision and also that I couldn't go back to how things were made her entertain her new interest, I know I know it would have happened at some point anyway, just an observation.
I guess my point of view now is that I am not prepared to feel like I have been doing for the sake of a failed relationship with a woman who clearly has emotional difficulties. Right now I feel that there is nothing we can work with anyway, if and that's a big IF she comes to me and says she wants me back and we need to work on x.y and z then I would consider it. I know that is very unlikely and also unlikely to work, so I will not hold out for that.
She is obviously looking to fill a whole with her new interest as I was tempted to do and then realised it would not be the way forward for me.
I guess as hard as it will be for me that NC is the way forward, after all she made her conscious choice over a period (I could feel her pulling away), she disreguarded what was a great happy family and still continues wth her decision to this day, whilst probably still doubts her decision I admit. She never even tried to discuss how she felt before she wanted the 'break', she knows how approachable I would have been.
It is all too painfull all round, and for me I think the way forward is to leave her be, I couldn't continue to see her and be normal anyway, I think I would end up a basket case in time!
Anyway sorry all a bit random that, just my random thoughts at this moment in time.
Thank you for your advice orphan. It's such a shame for all of us, but sadly I see no reconciliation.
Oh yes and I am a caring, honest, open affectionate, generous, loyal loving partner who deserves better than this, she knows this, has said this and still remains steadfast. Just not meant to be I guess! :)
Don't take it personally.Quote:
Originally Posted by Tired10
You two are just not a match. The sooner you come to grips with that, you will be able to move on.
I think she is think correct of course :) I do not think I have low self esteem as such although I must admit my confidence has been knocked somewhat.
My marriage was abusive, her towards me, pyschological and physical at times. My ex wife obviously knew the now ex girtlfriend, hence used my son as a possession to beat me with as a punishment with regards to access. Hence a court order for access was required in the end.
My ex wife entrapped me after I left the marital home and became pregnant as a result. I sadly could not cope with the situation and used her want of getting me back to persuade her to abort. I do feel guilt for what happened but not regret for the outcome, I simply could not face having another child with her. I adore children but within a happy stable relationship.
My now ex girlfriend also became pregnant just over a year ago, she aborted, it was her decision, not mine :( I think I went along with her decision as it takes/needs 2 people to have a child.
Now I am beginning to sound like a basket case! I have had some serious emotional trauma over the last 6 years or so and maybe I need some form of counselling. I think that I have possibly buried all of these feelings/experiences away in order to survive.
I do not feel depressed in anyway, I just look at what I have been through and think I must be carrying all this trauma with me inside. I consider myself to be a generally strong confident person, just when I look at those experiences I think they must affect me in some way.
I re read a lot of this stuff.
She is in no emotional position to be involved with anyone right now and you are probably still carrying emotional baggage of your own. I don't think you two need to be together.
You are in better shape than she is but you two need to stay away from each other.
It may be a good idea for you to talk to someone just to sort of your feelings.
There has been a lot of messed up stuff in your life, a lot of buried stuff may be resurfacing.
Thank you for your reply once more Homegirl 50. I think you are correct about her emotional position, but that's her problem to sort through, not mine. I will consider counselling of some sort.Quote:
Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
She has replied to my email setting out that I need no contact with her and why. May as well post it, it's easier than saying what she said.
>edited for privacy<
Thanks for your message... it says it all really. I don't know why I find the ending so difficult to handle when it is me that has brought it about but I understand what you say about our contact with each other. I find it hard too and usually end up crying and feeling awful. So I think you are right to say no more contact. I can't lie... I am worried about the children, all of them. I'm not sure how we should go about them seeing each other or what to do about XXXXX and you. It's a tough one. Maybe it will become clearer in time.
I am dropping XXXX at riding at half 9 on thurs so should be back at about 10 if XXXXX wanted to see XXXX either here or with you? I know in the long run this may not work out but for now if you can manage it I want to try. If you ever drop Mathew off he can just run in on his own... he's a big boy now! The loss of the family is hard and I know seeing the kids reminds you so if this isn't possible then we will have to re-think. I just don't want it to suddenly stop for them all. There is also Amy to consider. My mum and dad are coming over Fri or Sat so that's why I thought Thurs will be best. If not then please don't worry, I will understand.
Don't feel you have to reply to this email or explain if thurs not a good plan. I hope you will find the peace and happiness you deserve with someone who is normal and good for you. (I find this so hard to say).
Love >edited for Net privacy< xxxx
This was followed by a text saying she had replied to my email and sorry she has hurt me, no need to reply.
I have not replied to the text or email. It obviously changes nothing between us, just a case if I can allow the children to see each other. If I do not it really would not be about spite, more about it stopping my healing.
XXXX was a one year old when I started seeing her, so we have more of a bond than the two older children, she has said before that she fears that he may have abandonment issues if I no longer see him.
XXX is 19 years old and my ex wife's and ex girlfriends/ex husbands daughter! Phew that's complicated. Amy's relationship with her mother is bad, so the only time she gets to see my son is when he is with me.
So when it comes to the children it is very complicated, BUT only if I make it so. If I was to think of myself and my son only then I think that we would be OK on our own doing our own things and over time I can forget about her and her children.
I can arrange for my son to see amy without any contact at all with the ex, however if I go down the route of no contact at all with her children, I know my son would end up at the ex's with XXXX when she spent time with him.
One thing that bothers me is that I did say to my son when we broke up that he would always be able to see XXXX, so I may have to break what I said, that is a concern to me.
I feel a little better after receiving the email, not quite sure why. I guess I have to make my mind up as to what to do regarding this mess of a broken family :(
Edited for privacy
I think after reading this over again, handling this like a divorce is what's needed. By that I mean the adults have to be on the same page regarding the kids, and put what's best for them first, and your own individual problems with each other aside. I know, slows the healing, but as a good plan, and routine are implemented, and carried out, that you both can accept, I think things can work out, and the children can enjoy each other.
The key is keep it about what's best for the kids, and NOT just about your own problems. Not the first time that adults who even after hating each other, work together to make things the best possible way for the children, to be loved and cared for to the utmost. You have to adjust your own thinking for their benefit. Not easy maybe, but who said it would be?
I agree with tal you can handle this as a divorce with children. You two can arrange time to drop off the kids and not have any contact with each other. It will hurt for a while, but it will get easier.
This can be done.
Wish you well
Thank you for your input talanimanQuote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I think I need to mull it over for a few days, I have my son from weds till Monday morning, I kind of have plans to take him camping for a few days so cannot do the Thursday anyway, I know that doesn't clarify the bigger picture. I guess it gives me more time and space to decide.
If I am honest, I think my son and I will be fine with no contact, as long as I make sure I fill that gap for him with good/happy experiences.
A part of me thinks, I have given and given so much and made sacrifices to this relationship and family and look how it ended up. It's not that I feel bitter and twisted, I just kind of think I should just look out for my sons needs and my own and not her own guilt and her children's needs. I am by no means a selfish person, it's just a train of thought I have right now.
Also I do not think it will work out anyway, it will just get in the way of new romantic relationships we will have, there are no blood ties here, hence will not viewed in quite the same way by our future partners as if there was.
Homegirl 50 and talaniman
Oh you are buggers, I start to go the way you suggest and you pair go the other! :)
I am of course joking, and understand it is for the children and not ourselves. I do of course appreciate your input, without it I wouldn't be posting, so thank you the two of you, Kitkat and also the other contributors.
Then you do what you have to do. If you think your son will be fine, then you leave it.
Her kids may be OK as well. You just have to play it by ear.
If you think this will cause more problems than solve, go with your gut.
Take your time and consider your options.
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