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Comments on this post
Altenweg agrees: Here's a greenie for you. I only gave one reddie, the info was factually incorrect. I am innocent, innocent I tell you! ;)
If you notice, I gave one too. It was for the comment concerning the REASON we give "reddies" in the first place. THAT was factually incorrect.
I have to look but I think that was the same one I reddied.Quote:
Originally Posted by jmjoseph
Great minds think alike.
Actually, so do not so great minds. :(
To answer the OP's question, no, not everyone would object, and quite a few people I know have done it, or would find it acceptable in this situation. It's just a 3-day trip and his girlfriend is not available. He's not sneaking around, and it's not like he's planned a 2-week tour of Indonesia and hasn't invited his girlfriend.
Some people have said it would be inappropriate. Well, different groups of people have different opinions on what's appropriate and what's not. If the man thinks something is perfectly OK and his girlfriend finds it so inappropriate that she's prepared to break up with him over it.. well, I guess the question would be how they lasted 4 years anyway?
Yes, she's distressed. If he doesn't go, he'll be distressed too. Relationships are about compromising? If he doesn't go because his girlfriend was upset, it's not compromising, it's him sacrificing his opportunity to go out and have fun in a new country he's been forced to relocate to.
Funny thing is that neither one of us like to go to the red square. But right is right, and wrong is wrong.Quote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
Jelly let your guy to whatever he wants to, and then find a life without him.
If his behavior has crossed the lines of good behavior to you, then don't accept what he is doing, and end this thing, without regret. Its just not worth the aggravation, or the disrespect.
What's telling the most is his mind was already made up, without input from his partner, and there was no room for talking about it.
You don't particularly sound like the over jealous type, so for whatever reason he has made this decision, its his to make.
You have been informed so what you do about it is up to you.
A guy who takes a vacation with another female and not uses it to see his girl, is the ultimate slap in the face as I see it!!
Well sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the one you love. Compromising is if she has a problem with this and he acknowledges it then next time she will acknowledge his feelings. That is something beautiful but he is taking that away from the relationship and choosing a trip with someone else over her feelings.
I would not like it and it would begin to take away any trust I had and possibly some feelings.
Paxe, the point here is if you did have a problem with a situation, (don't tell me you would let anything go because then that's just not being a man and I doubt a girl would even want that) and your girlfriend dismisses your feelings, you would feel terrible. If not then I must ask... Are you human?
I wrote him a long email expressing all my concerns and why I think that him going on this trip is not acceptable to me. He responded back saying that he was "overwhelmed" by what I have written and said that it was never his intention to hurt me. He said he was really really sorry and regretted booking this holiday. However, what is bothering me is that even after apologizing and regretting his act he never volunteered to cancel his trip.Quote:
Originally Posted by Catsmine
Quote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
I must add here that he did not ask me because I don't have that time off work and I questioned him about sharing the room and he said that they would definitely have separate rooms. But I don't feel that that makes it any better.
I would like to say here that I have always given him all the space he needs. I have never stopped him from going out with his friends and sometime back he wanted to go and visit a female friend who he has known for three years and who I have met. I really did not have any problem with that. I have problem with this girl who is his new found friend.Quote:
Originally Posted by overayear
Jelly,the situation s causing you distress and rightly so I think.
In any relationship when trust issues happen its difficult to rebuild the trust.
You don't come across as a jealous person but most people in my opinion would think he s crossed the line with this trip.
We are all giving you our take on this here but ultimately what you decide to do about it is of course your choice.
You got something from him. Now you need to give a little.Quote:
Originally Posted by jellyfish1981
Is this trip something really special? If I were in India and got a chance to visit the Taj Mahal I would feel bad about my wife not going but I would go. Or the Smithsonian in the US or Big Ben in the UK, etc.
Here's an idea that has worked for other couples. Set up a mutually convenient time to contact one another so he can share the trip with you since you can't be there.
Catsmine quotes:"Is this trip something really special? If I were in India and got a chance to visit the Taj Mahal I would feel bad about my wife not going but I would go. Or the Smithsonian in the US or Big Ben in the UK, etc."
Yes, but I would rather go alone rather than put my relationship in jeopardy. This may very well be a deal breaker.
After getting this new information, l still don't think the problem is the "new friend". Jelly, you said it yourself, you expressed your concerns, yet he didn't even suggest cancelling the trip.Quote:
Originally Posted by jellyfish1981
So his apology is almost mute, because your concern is the fact that he's going on this trip with this new friend. So even after that long conversation, he's still going on this trip. So we're almost back to square one.
He knows that you're uncomfortable with the idea, yet he's still going to do it. That sounds like putting the relationship is jepordy to me. It sounds like it's a much bigger isssue than just this "new friend".
When he comes back from the trip, you're both going to need to sit down and re-evalute the relationship. Express all your concerns to one another and try to work things out one issue at the time. You need to find a mutual understanding and not put up with all this confusion.
I have been reading this thread for awhile and hesitated to chime in on what I thought were particularly important details. I think this last statement you made says it all. If in fact this may be a deal breaker then I think, regardless of anyone's opinion on here, you need make it clear to him, stand on your word and do not back down. If you indeed find this behavior unacceptable then it is key you form a wall right now and stand by it, otherwise it creates slippery slope of future problems.Quote:
Originally Posted by jmjoseph
I don't care what you consider to be the problem here. Whether it be the "friend" or his not altering plans or not even volunteering to alter them, if you feel strongly about it then it is your call. Do not hesitate in thinking there is a wrong or right here. That is all relative to personal experience or belief. I think it is more important that you, as a person, stand up for what you believe in regardless of the opinions of others that it may either be extreme or not.
You do what you feel is best for you! I wish you luck. There are a lot of things in relationships that require compromise, but I don't believe we should ever have to compromise our personal beliefs or our sense of security in being with the one we love.
I just think it's a heck of a thing to spring on a partner after you have made a decision. Maybe that's the real problem, the surprise of it, as you had no real opportunity for input and debate. You were denied your honest expression on this matter, because he assumed you would have no problem with it. You do, and now he knows you do. I think the way he handles himself from here will help you decide how to proceed. Ideally, he should want to at least talk to you, if nothing else to reassure you, not just apologize, and just do as he has planned.
Often its not what our partner does, as how they do it, that ticks us off.
What a sham, don't fall for it.Quote:
Originally Posted by jellyfish1981
Go on a trip yourself, forget about this guy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I had another longer discussion with him where I asked him that even though I wouldn't have stopped him I would have liked to be given an opportunity where at least he would have volunteered to cancel the trip. He replied to this trip saying that he didn't want to do that because he could not have cancelled on someone at the last moment and second, he wants to see a place he has never seen before. He told me that he understood my concern but that I have to think of it as him going with just a friend not that the friend is a woman. He said he didn't think that it would hurt me so much and that in future he would never ever do something like this and at least involve me in the process before he makes the decision. He has called me around 8-9 times today and I have not been the most pleasant. Do you think I should ease up on him?
NO! Let him go on his trip. Let the emotional dust settles and see how you feel. Its all in your own time now, and maybe he will have thought about things a bit. You will have I'm sure.
I don't think it is healthy for your emotional state or the relationship to attempt to punish him for being an unthinking moron.
You have let him know how you feel and he seems to have gotten the message. If you believe him and trust his word, give him a chance to show he means those words by following up with compatible actions.
If you don't think he will follow through and don't trust him to keep his word, then take that as a red flag and let him go. Trying to hold on to a long distance relationship when you are the only one working on it is not good in the long run.
I think you got it spot on. I have just been trying to make him miserable or the past few days. I don't think that breaking up over this is justified and as long as he follows through I will let this slide. This time. Because in trying to make him miserable I have been hurting myself if not more then just as much.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat1864
Thanks everyone for the opinions. It helped a great deal. I guess it was great seeing what was going on in my head coming from other people as well and getting the chance to know how might be thinking too. He has been calling me again and again to make me feel better and said that he would much rather take crap from me then not talk to me at all. So I guess he has kind of won me over with this. But wouldn't have been possible without all the inputs here.
Thanks a ton
Good luck getting everything ironed out and back on stable footing. :)
Come back within 2 weeks and let us know how are things going. I'm glad things are going okay so far.
Hi everyone,
This question is not so much a problem that I am facing but more of a general opinion that I need. My boyfriend is really close to his mother. She is an amazing and a very strong person and I get along really well with her. What I want comments on is that she has been married thrice and has had many more relationships. Her approach towards relationship is that if a person is unhappy in a relationship then they should get out of it and from what she has told me (though it was never entirely her fault) she has acted on this principle. She is 66 and is again not too happy with her current husband. My parents belong to a completely different world of thought and have been together happily for 35 years and have always told me to compromise and try to work things out. Now my question is that how much of an influence does a parent has on their child. I completely believe that unless things get too out of hand and beyond repair a couple should always try and work things out. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years and except for certain issues - which almost all couples go through and another one which I posted in my first thread - things have been great. I am not saying that he would have the same chain of thought because there is no way of finding that out right now, but what do you think? How much of an influence do parents have?
There is no telling what kind of baggage he is carrying, but I think the way we were raised plays an important part in making us who we are, whether we copy our parents, or do just the opposite.
I also think that 4 years without a solid plan the two of you are working actively on, makes a difference also (sorry to make a general question personal). We all have to have a process in which we see, and understand things, and that comes from the strongest influences in our lives, our parents, or others, who have played a strong role. Whether for the good, or bad.
I am not exactly sure what you mean by "without a solid plan" - but if you are talking about what my boyfriend and I have planned it is that right now he is looking for jobs. Once he has one and he has settled in the job within two years from now we plan to get married and I would move to where he is.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
But I agree that it plays an important part. I guess that this has always been a slight worry of mine but I dare not disrespect my boyfriend or his mother by saying something like this out loud.
As you all have read I have decided to give him a chance as long as he doesn't attempt to do something like this in future without at least asking for my opinion to which he agreed. Even though he has been texting but those have been short. This morning I received a mail from him in which he wrote:
"I tired calling you but my phone was barred. I'm relieved I can send you texts however. I'll try and find a way to call you today or get a Thai sim card.
We arrived last night and jumped into a taxi to go to the touristy area. As soon as we checked into our rooms we headed to some bar/restaurants where we had a few drinks and I ate Thai fried rice. The food was extremely delicious. We didn't stay out too long because it had been a long day so went back and slept."
This is making me extremely jealous as going to new places, trying out good food has always been our thing. I am physically stopping myself from writing something mean to him right now. Please help. How should I respond to this?
I really don't get how you even accepted him to go... I don't get why people try to force themselves to trust everything just because the people say so here. If you couldn't deal with it then you should have been honest. That is GOOD communication. At this point there is nothing you can do. He went on the trip and is doing what he wants and whether you choose to believe him or not is your choice now. I just wouldn't like this at all. Getting drinks with a new girl and all. Just as there isn't that much love in the world, I don't think there's that much trust in the world. Then again, I'm not the best at trusting most say.
I know that he is not cheating on me. If he had to cheat he could have done so even in hong kong. He didn't have to go to a new country to do that. Second why would he continue to be in a long distance relationship when he and I both have opportunities otherwise. This is not a question where I am asking if he is cheating on me I am just not able to handle that he is away right now sharing all these things with this girl which I am supposed to do with himQuote:
Originally Posted by emopunk7
I didn't say he was cheating. Who said that? I'm saying I couldn't deal with that. You said you know he is not cheating so then why worry unless you really think otherwise. And the two of you are suppose to do lots of things together but you are not around and you okayed him being there so now he has to do them with someone else. Sorry if you don't like this. Its just my opinion. I just wouldn't like this.
To be more sympathetic, I'd say that at least he is emailing you and since you say he won't cheat then just believe in that. Just hold tight and let this pass and hopefully it won't happen again.
Your boyfriend is giving you a play by play of his whole trip. Give him a break all ready, I think he is going far and beyond what he should be doing. I have learned very important lessons from my past relationships, and one of them is to never let someone stop you from doing what you want to do... The only person that is for sure ALWAYS going to be there is you. I agree that he should have spoken with you first instead of just making the plans on his own. You decided to give him a "chance" so give him one. He is trying his best to make you at ease with this situation by letting you know everything he is doing.
To be honest,I see your point..
He is experiencing new things with someone else,even though he is keeping you informed,it does not stop the hurt...
At this stage all you can do is accept the situation as it stands,and wish him a great holiday,its hard,but what can you do,trying to hurt him now and ruin his holiday because your hurting will do more harm then good.
If he is talking to you and texting you,your on his mind.
I have to agree, it would tear me up if my boyfriend was on a trip with another girl.
But you said you were going to let it go and forgive him, so you have to do that. Reminding him constantly how he hurt you and how he messed up will push him away, because he will get sick of hearing it.
Besides, he knows he has a lot of making up to do, so look forward to that part.
I agree here with everyone saying that I have to stand by my actions. But in reality what choice did I really have accept let it go? Breaking up over this when he has not even cheated is definitely overreacting so that would not have worked. Plus, I cannot disregard the fact that we have had 4 1/2 great years together. Do I want to break up with the person I am in love with because he did this which hurt me - no and I doubt many people here would. Could I have stopped him from going - no. was I bothered about the fact that he is going - YES. I did have three horrible days thinking all sorts of scenarios while he was on his holiday but I stopped myself from ruining it for him while he was away. However, even though I tried not to I could not really stop myself from starting an argument with him once he was back. There was a lot of screaming and shouting and crying but in the end we sorted things out and everything is back to where it was before this whole thing started. We have now decided not to talk about it anymore and I do feel that I am past it now but it was far from fun and not something I would ever want to go through again because this whole feeling of insecurity is probably the worst in the world.
You're trying so hard to repair this relationship, while his mind is somewhere else.
It takes 2 people to make a relationship work. Maybe you want to work hard to fix this relationship, but does he?
If you're not on a the same page, this relationship is going to end whether you want to or not.
After and during this whole episode he told me over and over again that he wants to be with me, nothing happened with that girl and that nothing was ever going to happen. So I am relying on these words and working towards making things work. He sounds completely sincere while saying these words so all I can do at this moment is hope that he really is.Quote:
Originally Posted by I wish
Putting it behind you now is a good idea. Keep in mind that in the future, no matter how upset you get, you shouldn't bring this up again in anger or frustration. It is forgiven and closed. It would be unfair to open it up again.
He now knows how much it hurt you to not even be told about the trip before he made the plans to go. It should be his future actions that affect the relationship from here on out.
I wish you both many happy memories. :)
You had a conflict, you resolved it to both your benefits, now move beyond it. Don't look back. As Cat says there will be future conflict to deal with. There always is.
Two people of the oppisite sex going on a trip together to another country is never a good sign. Ask him can you go, if he says sure why not, he's probably not cheating. If he takes to long to answer than he probably is. This is not a Native American thing. You are not the first woman to feel this way and ot all of them are Native American. So, just test his trust. If you have had trust issues with him before then you are right to not trust him. Long distance relationships can work, but it is hard to keep trust in the relationship when that person is so far away. If you love him trust him.
A word of advice, being helpful is a good thing, however, you really should read the entire thread before commenting. Often, more facts are given and events happen that advice needs to be adjusted for.Quote:
Originally Posted by Profile
The op is not Native American. She is Indian as in a native of India (the country).
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