I wish you much happiness.

Had my 3rd session today and the main outcome of it is that I have suffered from depression for many years due to my upbringing.

This has really hit home with me and made me feel real bad over the way I've treated her and the girls over the years.

My counsellor has said I will need to be referred for more sessions to work more on my childhood.

Sarah is a lot calmer with me now, on Wednesday she said that things can't get any worse they can only get better with time and I need to stop beating myself up over what I've done and need to think to the future. That's so hard to do right now I feel like I'm in limbo and the more session's I do and the more I find out about myself the more it upsets me.

And the more you will learn about yourself, and the more you will be taught positive coping skills, and the more you will find ways to overcome those feelings.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

And the more you will learn about yourself, and the more you will be taught positive coping skills, and the more you will find ways to overcome those feelings.

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Exactly!

I've just had my last free session through my work and I do feel a lot better then I've done over the past weeks. A number of tracks from Enimem's newish album Recovery have been really helping a lot over the past week and every time I get down I put Not afraid on and cheers me up in no time.

Last Friday after finding out I've had depression for a while Sarah that evening sat down with me and told me I need to stop beating myself up over what has happened and need to move forward and that everything has a silver lining and for me it's that I have a better relationship with my girls and I've grown up emotonial over the past weeks and I'm a stronger person now. A work in progress still though.

The next day after dropping the girls off she asked about some stuff I was going to do around the house, I tell her I can come on Sunday and sort it out. She tells me that she does not want to see me everyday and I say that's fair enough and left.

I made plans for the next day, only going down to the casino for a cheap poker tournament. I get a call from her Sunday morning asking if I wanted to go over. I said that she didn't want to see me eveyday and that I've made plans already for that day. She puts the phone down on me and text me "I'm not being nice anymore" I didn't want to fight with her and asked her what I had done wrong for her to say that. I told her I had plans and that it was to go to the casino in which she rapped me over for it. A little while later my eldest calls me and ask if I would like to come for a BBQ, I told I would love to. I went over and everything was OK.

Tuesday we got in to a little heated fight again. She keeps brining up the things I done in the past, So on Friday she is telling me not to beat myself up over what has happened then the very next week she is beating me up over what has happened in the past. I've told her she needs to stop doing that as it's not helping me or her if she is to keep bringing up the past and it will lead to a bigger fallout because of it. Later that day I rang her and said to her we need to stop talking about the past and move on to the now and future for the sake of our girls and what ever happens from there happens.

On Wednesday she tells me her counsellor has told her to stop being nice to me as it's not helping me. At that point I tell her that I'm over her, I love her and want to be with her but I am over her and that what ever happens, happens.

At least you are finally recognizing her passive/aggressive behavior and pushing back on it, but it disturbs me that she stoops to using your kids to manipulate your actions.

This pattern has probably been there a while, and causing you much distress and may be at the heart of your depression. I bet that things go well when she gets what she wants and when she doesn't she goes into aggressive mode and will do anything to accomplish her goals, no matter what the cost to you is.

I think you rightly stood up for yourself, and did your own thing, and pizzed her off in the process. That's a good thing, and I hope it continues, and above all, don't let her use your kids against you any more. That's disgusting, but its obvious you will never work together if you don't stand up for your side since she has what she wants and will fight to keep it that way. She needs control, and for you to feel guilty, and depressed.

Do some positive things about both so you can see what's going on objectively and take the proper actions for yourself and your kids. Sorry to say that this battle has only begun, but through this I think you find yourself, and where you stand, and will no longer be a slave to her ways.

Wish you could continue with your counselling for a bit longer, it really does help to have an unbiased, nuetral sounding board to bounce your feelings off, but coming her to vent, and rant, is a good idea also.

I think you are coming along well. It's too bad she is still in manipulative, childish mode.
Using the kids to control you is just uncool.
You hang in there, stand up for yourself. You are going to be all right.

Well thank you for your comments. I tired to speak to her today but she is still brining up the past and won't let me or her move on. After a little argument I told my oldest that I wouldn't be over today as Mummy and me are fighting and would be best if I see them next week, She was OK with that and I would speak to her at bedtime as well. One of her text she puts Girls are expecting you it will be the last time.

She is accusing me of being volitile which I have been a few weeks ago but have been dealing with my feelings but she cannot resit to bring up the past even after she told me I need to stop beating myself up.

She is very broken right now and that is because of me but I've owned up to my mistakes, am seeking the help that is needed. She says how could I love her and treat her that way, but from what I feel in the past it was because of my childhood and my depression that is the why I was the way I was. I'm a immoral human being, Shi**y dad and disgraceful partner. I agree but I didn't know I had deep down emotional and she didn't know to what extent either. That was said today.

The funny thing is that she had depression when I first met her and if I hadn't she would properly killed herself, she tried to on a number of occasions before I was with her and after I was with her.

Oh and I plan to continue the sessions it just that I have to pay for them now. So I need to work finances out before committing to them.

Even more headscrew for me now, She just sent me a text saying "You surprised me because you said I love you blah blah blah then your over me" at the end of the text she says "There is no hope for us, I didn't know for sure but I know now" I told her right after I'm over her that I still love her and want it to work but I'm moving on with my life.

You have come such a long way and I am so proud of you for that. It didn't seem to take many counseling sessions to help you either. I understand you have to pay for them now but I think you need to keep going. Maybe if you can't afford to go as often speak with your counselor about recording a session. I know it sounds crazy but having that on hand to listen to and remind yourself when you need it might help and in return you can allow more time between sessions which can take less of a hit on your wallet.

I think if I read right she told you her counselor said to no longer be nice to you. That makes no sense at all in my mind. I can't even begin to imagine why a counselor would say that to anyone. Isn't the goal here to understand and be civil to each other. You have children. I suggest she find a new counselor. That's bad advice.

I am reading it as she no longer has control of your emotions and that's making her crazy. You have come to terms and let go now she has no strings to pull. I think your doing the right thing and you will be so much happier looking back knowing you moved on. With any luck you can pull through this without her doing much damage putting the children in the middle.

Well today has really made me go screw her. I got a message can you spare £4 of your drinking money for nappies for my youngest.

I replied What ever I do with my money is nothing to you and if she wants me to do something it has to be without the snide comments. Needless to say from there she is fighting back.

She tells me that Sunday was not for me it was for the girls and that any plans I had she thinks I should drop for my girls.

When my eldest rang I did drop them as she asked me and not her though I feel like she put her up to it.

She is dismissing the issues I have with myself and thinks I did it out of spite.

The past 2 weeks have been a real eye opener and a big thank you too all that have helped me through this hard time but as I have said to her.

There really is no point with her, She can believe what she like because she is not listening to me and I really don't care anymore after the past couple of weeks.

I stick to my Sig

I know I made mistakes and big ones but I'm man enough to own up and sort my issues out. I am happier then I have been for a long time and I know I have a better relationship with my girls.

I'm not going to speak to her anymore NC apart from the girls.

I've got my 30th this week and nothing is going to get me down.

I'm not done with the counselling yet, I've still got work to do with myself but I'm not going to wallow in it anymore, there is no point again I refer you to my sig and I'm always going to be on this site which is a big reminder for me to what I've gone through.

Thank you

Good for you!
Hang in there. We will be here when you need us.

Well that's great. You really do seem so much stronger. The people here who are now your friends are truly amazing. Just remember that. If its in a few hours or a few months we are still here. Stay strong. She really seems like she wants to knock you down. Maybe in fact she is a bit jealous you have moved on and not still at her feet. NC. Stick with it. Good job!

Thankss 88, Homegirl and Tal, You have given me some great advice and has really helped me.

I have really been enjoying life like I've never done before. I still love her and will do for the rest of my life.

Emniem said this in Going through changes from his recovery album released last month.

"I still love your mother, that'll never change,
Think about her every day, we just could never get it together.

Hey, wish there was a better way, for me to say it,
But I swear on everything, I'd do anything for her on anyday."

I'm older and wiser and am able to handle myself better now.

Went out last night, it was student night and was BOGOF on the drinks. Needless to say I got quite drunk and rolled in at 5am. The good thing is I've always been able to control myself while drinking even from when I first started 13/4 odd years ago. My best friend joined me and had a really really good night.

It felt good being able to talk to women without feeling guilt.

I'm not interested in having a relationship or one night stand it was to do with confidence building as I don't have a lot of that and just meeting new people. Damn I feel old when I go out now.

Some young women said I looked about 23/4, a year back I wouldn't have taken anything from it but with my confidence building I've been reading about accepting compliments so I did just that and it did feel good.

Yes 88 I think the same as you as well, I don't think she does like it but after yesterday off her having another pop at me she calmed down and did say sorry for provoking me and that I put up my defenses, I just replied don't provoke me and I won't be defensive. She replied with maybe we both shouldn't rise to each other.

That was the last contact I've had and will be the last as I've said apart from the girls. She wanted to ring me and tell me about the girls reports from school. I told her I will read them when I go round on Wednesday as I didn't want to talk to her on the phone after what had happened earlier.

To those that read my pages you couldn't get any better advice from the 3 I've mentioned and if I can do it anybody can.

Stay happy and positive. You know you have friends here to listen any time. Always look forward and never look back. Looking back could easily bring you down again.

I was brought down today. It's my birthday today and the girls wanted me to go for dinner.

When I got there she said sorry for what had happened over the past couple of weeks and that I shocked her when I said I'm over her.

I explained that I didn't mean I'm over her it was that I'm moving on which is what she wanted and that I will always love her no matter the outcome. She is the mother of my girls I could never hate or want to see anything bad happen to her. To me she is one of the most important people in my life as my girls mother but I know I have my life and have nothing to do with her accept the girls.

I found it very very hard today to be around her but I will stay strong, looking forward to the weekend which is when I celebrate my birthday at a friends (its his on Friday) and will be hitting the town with my sister in the evening.

Thanks for your support and I'm looking to the future in a much more positive light.

Kut...

Well happy birthday. I hope you have a wonderful birthday with your girls.

I had a feeling she was shocked you said you were moving on and over her. I can almost now see her being in that stage where she will want to get you back. Your doing so much better now and seem happy about a new future. Be strong. Learn to deal with her as the "my daughters mother" attitude. Let her be nothing more.

Happy Birthday!
I hope you have a good time with your girls and loads of fun with your friends.

Well when I thought things were getting good it all goes tit's up.

I went to a birthday party on Sat, was mine on the 14th and his on the 16th so it was a let my hair down night after having the girls.

I left my keys with the host and walked home Sunday, I was to pick the car up on Monday but had to wait till they were in to get it. I spoke to Sarah around 2ish and said what was happening. She said my eldest as going around to her friends house for dinner and my youngest was going swimming. I said would it be best and wait till Monday and she agreed. Well today I should have made more of a effort and make a stand and push to come over. She agreed with me that it was best for Wednesday but today I've hurt her and the girls.

I setup a direct debit for the internet to get paid, she needs a mac code and it's something that slipped my mind with all the other stuff that's been going on.

The money wasn't in the bank and it was missed, it got cut of yesterday and I apologized and it was a mistake on my end. Today, I've hurt he, I've screwed her over, why do I want to hurt her all the time.

I brought a TV a few years ago which I'm still paying for so to me its my TV and have told her I want it back but I'm being selfish I'm trying to hurt her through my girls which is not want it is about at all. I consider it to be my TV and something I'm still paying for. Her counsellor says no decent father would be more concered about possesions then his kids feelings. Her parents brought us lot of things over the years to help us none of it was ever asked for but now she wants me to sell the car and pay her back.

She tells me not to go anywhere near the house she don't want me there, my girls feel threaternd by mean don't want to see me. They tell her stuff which she won't repeat. Needless to say after everything that has happened and everything she has said I've told her enough is enough and that I'm not going to see her or the girls again, I can't bear to keep going through this. She says only my attuidude has changed and nothing else but to me she doesn't want to accept it.

She goes on to say, she put everything in to us all that kind of stuff. I just told her she needs to move on as it's not doing either of us any good. Living in the past is making her angry and really getting to me. I told her if the girls want to find me in the future I will tell myside, that yes I made mistakes in the relationship but I sought help before it was too late (her words as well a couple of weeks ago) and that I tried to make things work and didn't want it to end like it has but she has pushed me too far now. I know I pushed her but now she has done it to me.

She says I'm trying to pass the buck by me saying she is pushing me away and telling her to deal with what has happened and to stop living in the past and move on from what has happened, every time I try she is there bringing me back down.

Any advice would be very grateful right now as I'm in a very bad place after today.

I don't remember now, are you two divorced or were you never married?
If you are not divorced now may be a good time to file and seek joint custody with your kids.

I think she is just pissed and trying to control you.
She will come around. Don't let her control what you feel about yourself.

Never married.

That's something I didn't want to have to do. I keep thinking she is pissed and she is just angry but it just keeps brining me down.

I've told her she isn't going to get a rise out of me as I'm not that person anymore but she is really pushing me.

Don't let her get a rise out of you. Your better then that now. Just stay focused on what's most important and that's the girls. Its unfortunate I think she will now use the girls against you and tell them some untruths. But keep your head up the best you can right now and let the storm ride itself out. I agree with Homegirl she seems pi$$ed off and she is lashing out. I am sure she didn't expect you to move on and live life like you have done. She is trying to keep you under her control because she has lost it with you. I am sure she expected the break to go different then it did. Which isn't sitting well with her.

]
Hey all its been a few weeks, some good some bad, Things have calmed down a lot, Me and her are getting along and talking and no more fights.

My Mum has the girls for the next week and she is going to be all alone next week so I asked her if I could pop over one evening and we can watch a movie together. She said we will talk about it early next week but she didn't say no. I also said to her I would need to see my friends more and have a social life with them as I didn't before and she agreed with that.

I asked about how we can move forward and if that she is willing to perhaps given time try again.

She said right away not how things use to be and I stopped her in her tracks and said no way, If she was to say yes we would give it another try I would say I would still stay somewhere else till the time was ready for me to move back. I told her even if it was to take a year to deal with then I'm prepared to deal with that and take each day at a time.

She said that its only been a few weeks since the break really started after all the fighting and I agreed with her but the thing I took from that was her saying break and not break up, perhaps I'm reading too much in to it but she did say break again afterwards.

She said we will talk next week about it.