Quote:

---

Originally Posted by MeeDee23

I don't know what I want....people here were the ones that called me unstable. I'm not upset at that, it's more of a reality that is helpful in calming me down and trying to slow down my actions. And I recognize that I am confused and am not certain one way or another what will come of all of this. One thing I do know for sure is that I need to put this aside for now because I feel I can. I am certainly not ready to confront this as you have seen from my waivering decisions. I still have time that I need to figure myself out some more and become more happy with my own life.

---

I hear your confusion MeeDee and understandably so too! I wish you much healing in your recovery from what happened. Relationpship loss does make a significant impact on each of us when it occurrs. When you are ready to confront anything, my hope is you consider this, which I posted recently on another thread but am copying it here because I think it has such relevancy to your situation too:

"Sometimes in all the discussion about NC, and even the debates in peoples' minds about NC -- I hear them sifting though the breakup part, asking themselves if they had handled the final days of the relationship leading up to the breakup better, could they have influenced whether the breakup occurred or not.

First of all, do see that all this sifing of the final days is really separate from the "no contact" stuff since the NC ought not come into play for anyone until AFTER the break up. If you are thinking you can apply no contact before a breakup, well, I would love to hear from anybody how that's going to work for salvaging a clearly distressed relationship. If its that distressed, implementing no contact isn't going to help it. Lots of others thing will, but that won't. NC is not being defined or used as some kind of recess or time out. Now that would be different and might help and last I looked, that is called a s-e-p-a-r-a-t-i-o-n.

Which brings me to the other point-- better handling of the ending days of any relationship may be the "too-late" time for attempting to handle anything well about the relationship. Its breaking up primarily because people did not handle well some aspect or aspects of the relationship for days and days before it got to the final days of the relationship. The problems began way back there and I bet for some, from the very beginning even. So chiding yourself about how much better you could have handling the final days before breaking up is really like lamenting that you are at the bottom of a hill you skiied down for sometime and just didn't notice.

What is to lament is one of two things: y'all partnered up with people who didn't help clearly identify those problems long before you're both into the final days. Or your partner did talk about it and you didn't listen, much to your own risk because it cost you their willingness to keep on trying to work it out with you. Pick the one that fits for you or perhaps its a combination of both. I would put my money on both more often than not.

If you want to do some productive crtitical analysis of what happened, find the real issus that killed the relationship, look at your part in them and deal with that so you don't do that again."

See - the tone of her e-mails changed... no loving.

No chance in hell I would go to that 'meeting'.

I never called you unstable once - you're fine. We've talked privtely. You just need to learn a little bit more about how to handle things.

Yea, so I definitely am not going to this meeting... for various reasons. I want her to get that point that it's my turn to be upset and take a stand. I'm not giving into her every request and I want her to feel it... especially since my goal is to improve self as to be a stronger man in the future.

I don't want to be mean to her... I love her... I just want her to know I can't be pushed around and I won't sit around and sulk about things that upset me. Plus I've got some fun things to do this weekend that just came up :) Thaaaank goodness haha.

Oh and Wildcat, my bad buddy, I didn't mean to accuse people of calling me unstable (you certainly didn't)... everyone here just helped put me in my place that I am too back and forth on what I want to do. I need to sit back and rationally think about and make the decisions that are best for ME.

See - NOT meeting with her says a huge statement... "I am happy with out her - I don't NEED her to be happy" - it's dam important for him right now.

It will throw her for a loop.

Well MeeDee and WC, since this is your plan for straightening out MeeDee's relationship, and its clearly your choice, all we can do is wait for further installments to see...

Time will tell, won't it?

Yes it will. But he's doing the right thing.

You really think him going to a meeting and tell her how he feels will help? Yuck! Only in the MOVIES!!

The tone of her e-mails tell it all! No 'I miss yous' - no 'I love yous' - no 'I can't wait to see you' - no 'lets make plans' - I know these meetings - been there I nthe past.

You make it sound like everything is OK between them - it's clearly not. They had issues before this.

He needs to clean up his act and he is.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

You really think him going to a meeting and tell her how he feels will help? Yuck! Only in the MOVIES!!!!! You make it sound like everything is ok between them - it's clearly not. They had issues before this

---

Forgive me, is this "YOU" meant for me? Or just a general YOU? I would like to clear it up for you WC by saying I've taken none of my strategies from movies, or even books. Au contraire -- they are from real life, mine and other people's. And I see issues here also, very plainly. In fact, I don't see anyone here who doesn't. :confused:

But its okay, and to be expected, that different ideas are posted here. The more the merrier even, that way the OP has a rich array to choose from. I understand he has made his choice too. I can respect whatever he chooses and would not care to turn this into a tug-o-war, ugh. But if it turns out to be incorrect, I would like to know it and to have some chance at understanding why too, if possible? Wouldn't you WC? In a way we've all been talking theories, and its important to know if the thoeories work, isn't it?

Cage Match!!

OK everyone enough bickering haha. I am not trying to be one-sided here, and I respect everyone's opinions... so as I think of new things, I will post them. For instance now:

I need to look at all angles, as to not make a bigger mess out of this. I still need more time to myself though. I'm sorry... I know I'm jumping all over the place and it's driving people here crazy. I really do appreciate everyone's help though. I just need to make the right move and considering all ideas is something I have to keep my mind open to.

I want to appear strong to her, but don't want to upset her. I agree she and I need to really sit down and communicate... but its too soon to show any improvement on my end. Deep I'd like to make a statement to her to make her think, but also don't appear cruel and that I want to cut her off. Basically I need a firm message that will make her think twice but won't cause ill effects later.

I know it depends upon the situation and the people, but what would you say? Thanks again

I wouldn't worry about upsetting her. She asked for the 'break'.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by MeeDee23

I want to appear strong to her, but don't want to upset her. I agree she and I need to really sit down and communicate....but its too soon to show any improvement on my end. I'd like to make a statement to her to make her think, but also don't appear cruel and that I want to cut her off. Basically I need a firm message that will make her think twice but won't cause ill effects later.I know it depends upon the situation and the people, but what would you say? Thanks again

---

Its okay MeeDee, sometimes getting down to our "truths" and hooking them up with what we think is the correct action is a messy business. Life is messy but it need not be chaos. So here is my suggested plan for you:


I would meet for a very brief meeting. This needs to be face to face -- its important. I would annouce to her that in this time apart, you've begun to see some things about yourself that you understand may be causing some difficulties in the relationship (it is a powerful thing to tell the truth).

I would limit discussion about it to that statement only and if she asked for details, say you will share more later, that you have good reason to postpone this part of the discussion and she'll just have to trust you-- this is very important and do not budge on it, say "sorry, if I am to improve at all, its just not open to negotiation at this time." (this is where you should make your stand)

I would further ask if she would go for a temporary separation so you can pursue working on making some changes, changes you hope to demonstrate later to her that you think she will really like.

If she seems open to that, I would use the remainder of the meeting for making the necessary "terms" of that separation, i.e.. You are still exclusive with each other or not, and should there be NC or not and when to expect a coming back together - make a list from this to use as notes if necessary. Or write them down as you decide if you are concerned you will forget later -- don't think for a minute that will look funny, it will look sincere.

Once you have secured that, kiss, say thanks and leave ---you will be free to concentrate on your work on you much much easier if you don't have to wonder if you have a relationship to return to and she'll understand what is going on and have something to look forward to too. If near the end or anywhere else, she would like to add any comments about what she thinks you need to work on, be open to hearing that but state to her upfront that you are open to a very limited amount only - like just one or two items, lest you end up overwhelmed and it becomes counter productive, which you both know you do sometimes and that's not good (Again truth - very powerful). Hear her one or two suggestions, politely stop her if necessary from making more LOL thank her and leave.

In a nutshell:
Request time to make changes

Severely limit topic to just relevant items

Make a clean get away with a clear understanding of separation

This is how a constructive separation is arranged. Voilà! (... and already you'v begun to change starting right here!)

Are you capable of this MeeDee? What do you think? Any questions?

This is very good stuff Val... I really haven't heard this sort of suggestion before, especially with most of the vote here going to NC. I really have to decide sometime tonight exactly what I'm going to do. This morning I was sure of it... but now I see new ideas. I need to apply the suggestions to myself and her, and see what the best way to go about this is. I've learned you can't generalize a way to handle things in any given situation based on what the school of thought is.

All I know is I realize things I didn't before about myself and our relationship... and I know better ways to go about them. But to try and demonstrate these things to her (that I have changed/learned) in just a number of weeks... well it is your guess as good as mine as to whether she wants to SEE or BELIEVE those changes.

I am very much caught between:
1) opening up the lines of communication in a way that she has never seen before and acknowledging to her that I see faults now that I want to take time to work on. In doing this I would have to hope she would see me as genuine in my commitment to better myself and us, but also that she isn't so hard-nosed that by seeing me show up at this meeting that she will have already made a decision on our future.

2) Taking a stand and saying no we shouldn't talk right now... and see what comes of it at a later time after I have worked on myself. This also trusts that she has the willingness to not be pissed off at me for doing this and accept that fact that space will help us.

They both seem so risky to me and it's almost a toss-up as to how to apply this to myself and her... I swear NOTHING in life is clear cut!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by MeeDee23

I am very much caught between:
1) opening up the lines of communication in a way that she has never seen before and acknowledging to her that I see faults now that I want to take time to work on. In doing this I would have to hope she would see me as genuine in my commitment to better myself and us, but also that she isn't so hard-nosed that by seeing me show up at this meeting that she will have already made a decision on our future.

2) Taking a stand and saying no we shouldn't talk right now.....and see what comes of it at a later time after I have worked on myself. This also trusts that she has the willingness to not be pissed off at me for doing this and accept that fact that space will help us.

They both seem so risky to me and it's almost a toss-up as to how to apply this to myself and her...I swear NOTHING in life is clear cut!

---

I can appreciate all that you are saying here. And you know her, we don't. One trick you can try to help in the decision is this:

If you can envision in the future what the new MeeDee will be like, and if you are fairly certain he would be acceptable, even very desired by her, then ask him which he would do, and do it. LOL :p Not to sound too Yoda-like LOL but the first few steps to who you would like to become are right here before you now and my heart tells me those will be the right ones for her too somehow. I trust your instincts on this when you don't! LOL

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

I hear your confusion MeeDee and understandably so too! I wish you much healing in your recovery from what happened. Relationpship loss does make a significant impact on each of us when it occurrs. When you are ready to confront anything, my hope is you consider this, which I posted recently on another thread but am copying it here because I think it has such relevancy to your situation too:

"Sometimes in all the discussion about NC, and even the debates in peoples' minds about NC -- I hear them sifting though the breakup part, asking themselves if they had handled the final days of the relationship leading up to the breakup better, could they have influenced whether the breakup occurred or not.

First of all, do see that all this sifing of the final days is really separate from the "no contact" stuff since the NC ought not come into play for anyone until AFTER the break up. If you are thinking you can apply no contact before a breakup, well, I would love to hear from anybody how that's going to work for salvaging a clearly distressed relationship. If its that distressed, implementing no contact isn't going to help it. Lots of others thing will, but that won't. NC is not being defined or used as some kind of recess or time out. Now that would be different and might help and last I looked, that is called a s-e-p-a-r-a-t-i-o-n.

Which brings me to the other point-- better handling of the ending days of any relationship may be the "too-late" time for attempting to handle anything well about the relationship. Its breaking up primarily because people did not handle well some aspect or aspects of the relationship for days and days before it got to the final days of the relationship. The problems began way back there and I bet for some, from the very beginning even. So chiding yourself about how much better you could have handling the final days before breaking up is really like lamenting that you are at the bottom of a hill you skiied down for sometime and just didn't notice.

What is to lament is one of two things: y'all partnered up with people who didn't help clearly identify those problems long before you're both into the final days. Or your partner did talk about it and you didn't listen, much to your own risk because it cost you their willingness to keep on trying to work it out with you. Pick the one that fits for you or perhaps its a combination of both. I would put my money on both more often than not.

If you want to do some productive crtitical analysis of what happened, find the real issus that killed the relationship, look at your part in them and deal with that so you don't do that again."

---

Allheart is hereby officially lodging a complaint about this incredible web-site... Why do have to spread the reps... Why..

Val, can the word AMAZING be used too often? You are AMAZING.! Sorry couldn't give the rep, but your words exceed the little green guy anyway. Another keeper!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Yes it will. But he's doing the right thing.

You really think him going to a meeting and tell her how he feels will help? Yuck! Only in the MOVIES!!!!!

The tone of her e-mails tell it all! No 'I miss yous' - no 'I love yous' - no 'I can't wait to see you' - no 'lets make plans' - I know these meetings - been there i nthe past.

You make it sound like everything is ok between them - it's clearly not. They had issues before this.

He needs to clean up his act and he is.

---

Wild, boy I sure hope I didn't step in the lions den hear :eek: , but I am willing to take that risk :p

Wild, is it possible, even slightly, that the reason the tone of the emails, the no I love yous, no I miss yous... is because, maybe just perhaps, she is already feeling unsure of where she stands with MeeDee? Perhaps she is keeping her feelings close to the vest, out of fear? She did hurt someone that she love/d and she knows it. And SHE reached out to him, not knowing how MeeDee would react, but she took that chance. I am not saying this is the case for the missing emotions in her email, but could it be possible, that her omissions are due to her maybe being still unsure of things, and because he did do so well with the NC, that she is now uncertain as to how MeeDee feels and is unable or unwilling to make her self vulnerable, and have I love yous and miss yous all over an email to someone she just recently told... " I need space"?

Hmmmm what you think about that :)??

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Allheart

Wild, boy I sure hope I didn't step in the lions den hear :eek: , but I am willing to take that risk :p

Wild, is it possible, even slightly, that the reason the tone of the emails, the no i love yous, no I miss yous....is because, maybe just perhaps, she is already feeling unsure of where she stands with MeeDee? Perhaps she is keeping her feelings close to the vest, out of fear? She did hurt someone that she love/d and she knows it. And SHE reached out to him, not knowing how MeeDee would react, but she took that chance. I am not saying this is the case for the missing emotions in her email, but could it be possible, that her omissions are due to her maybe being still unsure of things, and because he did do so well with the NC, that she is now uncertain as to how MeeDee feels and is unable or unwilling to make her self vulnerable, and have I love yous and miss yous all over an email to someone she just recently told....." I need space"?

hmmmm what ya think about that :)????

---

Excellent point Allheart. And with that said, if she is concerned as to how I am feeling and wants to hide her emotions in the emails... would it hurt to stay away a little longer? Would it hurt to say "I can't meet right now but we will at a later date"?

My whole life I've always RAN back to the one that hurt me and they've always shot me down even more. I would love to tell her those things that Val was talking about... but it's still too soon. It makes me look like I'm a lost puppy running back at the first chance I have that the master calls. I intend to do something much like what Val said... but does it hurt to stand my ground for a while? Especially since she has 2 weeks of finals left... which I don't want to get in the way of.

This is your life Meedee and you have to live it as you see fit.

You make decisions that you will have to live and die by everyday. This is just another one.

So when you make one, don't second guess yourself.
Make it knowing it was YOU who made it, and no one else!

And it won't be a matter of success or failure or positive or negative outcome. Because whatever happens you will find success. Whether it be with or without this person.

What might seem like a negative outcome in the short term will likely turn into the most brilliant and unbelievable positive in the future.

God luck Meedee and please make sure you keep us informed of what goes on.. if you wish that is!

MeeDee,

"Would it hurt to stay away longer"? Very good question. MeeDee, if you wish to stay away for a little longer, for the right healthy reasons for you, by all means there is nothing at all wrong with that... nothing.

MeeDee, be careful in bringing forward past hurts to this current situation. So very easy to bring it all with you, but be careful of having this girlfriend pay for the pains the past ones inflicted.

MeeDee, as long as you are taking a little more time for YOU, to heal just a bit more internally, which is very understandable, I see nothing wrong with telling her you need to delay the meeting.

Just be sure, there is no vengeance, spitefullness, planning plotting for an outcome, incorporated into your descion. Ya know, you hurt me... see how it feels. That sort of thing. I in no way think you are doing that. Honest. But it doesn't hurt to point out.

Vals advice and wisdom is one all of us need to post up and would be wise to follow. So glad you recognize the wisdom in her words.

MeeDee your consideration for her upcoming finals is an incredible statement to the person that you are... incredible and good for you.

No MeeDee, you do have the right absolutely, again as long as it is for the right reasons.

Your confusion in all of this, I know will soon lift.

Nope - it's a break. Go if you must. Been there - done that. I know the end to this story.

Sorry - but the women here are sugar coating this. They know what's going to happened - this is reality - not a romance novel where the guy spills his guts and cries and she takes him back - never happens in real life. Are they together now? no.

You can't convice some in words that you've changed - you have to show it. Talk is cheap.

This is fluff and gravey - this isn't the movies. The is reality. Re-read his initial post.

I deal in reality. I don't write romance novels.

Wildcat,

Wish I could take a snapshot of my facial expression when reading your post... oh boy... Yes I could have caught a million flies... and then some.

Wildcat, first, not good to lump all the women together here. But you know that :)

More importantly, there is no way, shape form, I would surger coat anything when it comes to these types of situations. Never not ever. These are peoples emotions and MeeDee is incredible enough to bare his soul, no one would dare give any advice but what they would think in their hearts the best advice and support. You are just going to have to trust me on this.

Wildcat, I don't blow you out of the water and say you are dead wrong. I read your words with an open mind and could almost bet there are times you are dead on. Perhaps more times than not. I would take your advice as valuable and incorporated with what I thought as well.

You bring a different perspective on things and I most definitely respect it. That is the truth.

Please, no way, would I sugar coat anything when it comes to matters of the heart. Now if my girlfriend asked me if she looks like she put on a couple of pounds, okay, I may reach for the sugar and tell her... nah, bet your dress just shrunk in the wash. (just adding some levity).

And Wildcat, I only wish I knew how this would all end up. No one knows. I think actually I know, that all of us wants this to end up... the best way for MeeDee.

I am not sure I can remain participating in this thread and still maintain being constructive so... I wish you all well and good luck to MeeDee!

[QUOTE=Wildcat21]"Nope - its a break. Go if you must. Been there - done that. I know the end to this story."

Wild you have made similar statements like the one so many times before. Just because something is sounding oh too familiar to you, does not mean the same outcome will be for everyone experiencing difficult times in their relationship.

Just to prove my point, when one member of a marriage is unfaithful and the cheater is discovered by his or her spouse, sometimes in ends in divorce and sometimes they work it through it. No two situations are alike and no two people are alike.

I am sure it is hard for you not to raise red flags when seeing similar circumstances, but sometimes it may be best to put on the breaks and be careful in not overlapping your experiences and making the firm determination, that if it happened to you, then it will, without a doubt happened to anyone else in a similar circumstances.

It is wise of you and kind of you to alert MeeDee of areas where you think harm will come, but it does not make it a certainty that what happened to you, will replay for MeeDee. I am not saying it won't, but you can not say with 100% certainty, that it will.

No Sugar here,
Allheart

I respect Wildcat for his views and opinions! Totally

But I must say that you cannot over generalize because every situation is different and each person is in someway different.. There are not always rules and predictable outcomes to one's actions. You cannot guarantee specific results every time. There is so much danger in becoming accustomed to following rules and patterns (at least in terms of what we are debating here).

Sorry meedee that I have not contributed to your discussion sooner but I entered rather late and you seemed to be getting so many good ideas and viewpoints from some wise fellows, I can't really add anything without sounding like I am repeating what has been said.

Best advice I can give is for you to take all the advice you have been given and filter this through your zone of reasoning..

That is what works best for me!

All the best!

Exactly my sentiments Geoff.

He has to live and die by his decision and whatever it may be it must be made by him and him alone.

Okay, what happened to just meeting her to find out what is on her mind? To do some listening, see where she goes from there. Then by listening to what she has to say, at that moment you will be able to respond to whatever she said to you. Of course if your going to do this it needs to be at your own pace and your own time. Some people might think that no way do the talking first, but without any influence on your part you will be able to figure out where exactly she stands or what she wants to talk about. Then you will have an easier decision to make one way or another.



Joe

Yep Joe,

My main point all along is Meedee has to do what he finds is comfortable in his own time. When he is feeling ready.

Don't put it off forever but understand it is OK to not be ready immediately and clear his head.

Time is a valuable thing that we must all understand and see its value. Look at me, I've been jumping all over the place the last couple of days and you kind people have tried to give me all the helpful insight you can. After taking time and REALLY sorting things out and finding out what is best for me... I can be at peace with my decision that, for the time being, hold off on the meeting. It is too soon for the both of us and I don't have my composure yet... I'm getting there though!

In the mean time, I'm looking at improving myself and going out to have fun to try and put it on the side for now. I believe in time as a healing factor, no matter what side of the situation you are on. By rushing into anything, it can lead to cause for great regret in the future. At least now, I can feel that by slowing down and thinking for a couple days, I have made the best decision for ME and me alone.

Thanks everyone and I'll make sure the updates keep flowing!

I like your last post a lot meedee.

For the first time in a while I see you talking about reasons for doing things and making decisions that relate to YOU! Not her or anyone else. You haven't done that until this point. I think it shows you have come a long way and have taken things in.

That is good.

Well done!

Well, I know you don't want to hear "move on" but that really is the best advice for you in this situation. Now, it doesn't necessarily mean that it's totally over and she's gone for good. However, you've got to be prepared to live your life to the fullest with or without her. You need to learn to be just as happy with or without her. Once she sees that you can, in fact, be perfectly content without her, that may make her want you back. I can't make any guarantees, but when someone you were close to realizes that you can get by without them, they often want to come back in to your life. Being able to be content in the absence of any significant other is seen as a sign of strength. Once you begin dating other women, she may come to the realization that if she doesn't get you back now she'll lose you for good. That may make her chase you and get her coming back to you. SO yes, the best thing you can do for yourself is to "move on."

<<Nope - it's a break. Go if you must. Been there - done that. I know the end to this story.
Sorry - but the women here are sugar coating this. They know what's going to happened - this is reality - not a romance novel where the guy spills his guts and cries and she takes him back - never happens in real life. Are they together now? no.
>>

Ha ha well I know a few cases... but... the girl often loses respect for the guy right after.

In fact I totally agree with everything wildcat wrote and I am a girl, and I also don't believe in "breaks". A break is a break up.
So I would not meet her until you are ready to deal with the fact that she is most probably going to break up in a sugary coated way. Its strange to me why she wants to do this just before her exams but maybe she's feeling guilty since you sent the last card.

So when you meet her , listen to what she has to say, don't try and beg with her, nothing. Just agree with her. Tell her, yes I agree with you , we are too young to settle down , yes you need to see other people or whatever else she has to say. Tell her you just want her to be happy and then you leave!

Rol, I definitely respect your view on things. I may not agree :), but I do respect them. Do you also agree to the fact that Wildcat claims "the women" are "sugarcoating this". Such generalizations to me, lend nothing to a situation, as to think one group of anything think all a like, is just non-productive and disables any type of learning, growth or valuable insight.

Just to be sure I understand WC claims of "sugarcoating".. here is the definition:

" To make superficially attractive or palatable".

To me, the above statement shows intent. Which could not be farther from the truth and takes away, or attempts to take away, the genuineness of the heartfelt and sincere comments.

To be even more truthful, I absolutely shutter that Vals incredible insight, wisdom, and gifted talents has to be lumped with my post all because we are women. Although heartfelt and doing my darn best to help, they can't even come close to Vals incredible wisdom.
Not even close. No where near it.

Nothing further.

<<Do you also agree to the fact that Wildcat claims "the women" are "sugarcoating this". Such generalizations to me, lend nothing to a situation, as to think one group of anything think all a like, is just non-productive and disables any type of learning, growth or valuable insight.
>>

:)) no I don't agree to that part:)))
I am sugarcoating nothing ;-)

And I understand Vals point also... but I think right now is just not the time to talk or explain how he's going to change or try to convince the girl..
Also the age here makes an incredible difference.

And I agree its great for the poster to get all advice male and female and make up his mind and do what he wants to do.

S_cianci - 100% correct - that is what I am trying to say.

Hey - I am blunt and I would never send MeeDee in there with false hopes.

This is reality - not a movie.

NO - it's not over - I don't think it is between them at all. She just has or think she has all the power in this relationship - he needs show - not so fast.

I also don't want this guy going into a 'talk' meeting. No way.

Any one who disagrees with me just needs to read his posts again here.

He needs to get his power back her - he gave it all away.

He should have that meeting - but on his terms and when he is really ready.

Pleae read his initial post again - they had some issues.

So I told her I didn't want to meet yet but that I fully intend for this meeting to occur later (and I wished her well)... very concise and to the point. If it were sent to me, I figure I'd be very perplexed...

Anyway I got a response that sounded fairly concerned asking if something was wrong and why I didn't want to meet. She also tried to be light hearted and crack a little joke afterwards.

All I know is it finally feels good to make an impression and leave her wondering for once as to what I've been up to... since she really has no clue what my life has been like the last few weeks. I have an idea of what I want to do from here... but I'd like to hear others opinions as to what they think about this. I also want her to get through exams without me getting in the way at all. Plus I feel like I'm growing stronger each day, which would be important before I meet her.

Hi MeeDee,

So glad to hear from you :). I would like to apologize to you, if I in anyway caused any confusion or upset with last nights discussions. I may look at things differently, or come out from a different place, but honest to heaven, I sincerely mean everyword and would never say soft words to cover a potential hard blow. Honest.

Okay, what do I think... I am just tickeld that YOU are feeling better and stronger. As far as what to do from here... do nothing for a change :). Meaning, just take a mental break from it all. Cleanse the mind and soul... breeeeath for once. I know what is like when pain just zaps you and takes your breath away.

Be proud of yourself, like it or not, you made the ultimate decision, you listened intently to everyone's words and advice, but ultimately, MeeDee, you made the choice that you thought was best. Good for you!! So have the confidence that your view of things is clearing, your emotions are calming and so now future choices will come a little easier.

Sit back and relax for a few. This was a tough one for you. Don't worry about what to do next, just take comfort in this moment... and.. catch your breath.

Get a good nights sleep :)

I'm glad you have done what YOU wanted to do because after all as I have said they are your decisions to make and you will have to live with the consequences.

I'm a little concerned with the fact that you almost sound proud of the fact that you have left her 'concerned' and 'perplexed'.

Because that indicates to me that perhaps you haven't made these decisions based on you, but rather on the effect it will have on her.

That's fine, but I must warn you that thinking that way could eventually backfire.

If you make decisions based on the effect (either positive or negative) that they have on others then in my opinion your decisions will be severely jaded.

Decisions should be made based on what is best for ourselves and how we will feel afterwards and the outcome that we will achieve. Not others.

It feels good to make and impression on her?? How about it feeling good because it helped ease your mind and helped you think clearer. Wasn't that you original basis for your decision? Not the mark you left on her?

I hope I'm wrong and I'm also glad you are happy, but it just smells to me like you still think it is some game.

Can I ask where you plan on going from here?

I don't have an opinion until I know what your plans are!

I try to keep this as far as from a game as possible. I really feel better about my decision because it made ME feel good for once. I know its easy to see things like this as a game, but it's also the point that you have to try and understand human nature and how people work in order to make an impression.

Any way you look at it, I want to reaffirm to her that this time is about her, not me. I want to show support but not be intrusive. Therefore I am standing back for now, and would like to make as little contact as possible until the time is right when we meet.

This gets harder and harder to report on the board as things develop... but I still appreciate everyone's insight.

Skell: I completely understand what you are saying and do so agree. If I may, and probably shouldn't, I am thinking that MeeDee actually did do it for the right reason ultimately, he just felt he was not ready and wished to postpone to a time when he was.

He felt he just needed some more time to heal himself before seeing her again. I think after he let her know that he delayed the meeting, the other thoughts of how it impacted her crept in. I think it's only human, to feel a little bit pleased, knowing it was not a response she was used to or expecting.

If it were me, and it were my ex, and he told me he needed space, and then contacted me to talk, and I delayed for the right reasons, this may be wrong, but I would do a little miniature happy dance if I thought it pinched my ex... just a tad. I am not, in no way, into games... no no no... but if a result happened that I was not aiming for... after feeling soooo much pain, a little tinge of, yeah I feel good about myself, seems reasonable.. don't you think?