You know guy, you would save yourself a lot of torture if you realized this isn't about her, the relationship, or NC. Its about you coping with your own feelings. The sooner you realize its yourself your fighting here, the sooner you can have a positive plan to help you cope with NC!

I get it. The concept of NC is used to heal and move on with your life. It's the only healthy way to move on - because maintaining contact or hanging on will only start the cycle over and cause more pain in the end.

The truth is, like many others going through this same thing, despite all the bad that we've been through over the past 5 years - I'm not over her. And there's still a hope somewhere that she'll come running back saying "How could I be so stupid to leave you and take you for granted? let's work this out". When the reality is, even if that happened, most likely weeks or months down the road, we would be right back to where we were. The counter argument to this is, we were/are meant to be together, we were just too immature previously, and it took this long and us being apart to realize it. While this is not likely, no one can deny that it could be true? There has to be a reason someone stays together for over 5 years. I guess what I'm asking is why does it seem that the standard advice of most people here is to call it quits, go NC, and move on with your life? Is it that in your collective experience, when something like this happens (i.e. one person wants time apart) - things almost never work out in the end?

So, as with most people struggling to get through the initial phase of NC, I made it 7 days and then caved. Was depressed this morning and sent an email in response to hers a few days ago, where I said, "I wish things didn't end like this either". A simple statement (not gushing please take me back) and a truth; I wish things didn't end up bad and us not talking. To which she responded, "That upsets me. I would like to have lunch with you next week if you are free".

I'm guessing: don't go to lunch (because she does miss me and wants to see me but doesn't want us anymore), go back to NC, and move on with my life?

Yup.

Well really its up to you. Most people on here from our experiences are going to tell you its not a good idea, but you will do what you think is right for you. I went out to dinner with my ex a few months after we split up, and it was fun and flirty like before, but it only gave me a sense of false hope because the next night I saw him out flirting with some other girl right in front of me and I was devastated. It set me back a lot.

Collective experience is that maybe 2% of people get back with their exes and it works out instead of exploding in their faces. You two split up for a reason, and until that reason is truly resolved, it will always be in the background. This breakup may seem like it came out of no where, but generally the person who did the breaking up has usually been thinking about it for quit some time before comign up with the balls to do anythign about it.

There are many people that have been married for many years and the marriage dies. You dated this young lady for 5 years. She was what 22 years old then?
I would imagine after a while she may have just grown tired of waiting for marriage or grew away from you, it happens.
Leave her alone and move on.

Sh*t, I think my email opened the door for her. I decided not to respond to the request for lunch and maintain NC. A few minutes ago, I get another email "Real Nice. I heard you were making out with some other girl at LPP last night". FYI, LPP is Lincoln Park Pub a local bar here, but I wasn't even there last night and didn't make out with a girl? What do I do with this? If I don't respond, technically, I'm confirming something that didn't happen. If I do, I'm giving in to her control?

If you respond you buy into her attempt at manipulating you to break NC.

Don't reply-stick to no contact.

She knows how to push your buttons to get a reaction, all because you can't control yourself, and just leave her alone. Your easy, and she knows you well, and really your wrapped up in defending yourself. Don't, do that, you can't win playing her game.

I know how hard it is for you both to leave each other alone, my gosh 5 freakin' years of attachment is hard to break. Trying to be nice here guy, but unless you focus on breaking the attachment, you will always be pushed away, manipulated in reacting to her, pulled back in for more.

Break the cycle, or keep suffering, and that's as simple as it gets. Do NC, the right way, and get better results than doing it your way. I admit, its very hard, but the results are... mindboggling, compared to what your doing letting her play your ego.

First of all you need to quit playing games.
You broke nc and contacted her, now you want to go on nc again and not answer her reply. Pee or get off the pot! You are digging yourself in deeper. Leave the girl alone or take whatever comes.

Just don't contact her. Might as well just let her think you were making out with someone else, who cares? No sense defending yourself, what is it going to get you? You really need to just STICK with no contact in its entirety stop changing your mind - it will only get you into situations like this one.

It has been a very tough couple of days. The sadness is almost unbearable at times. Since the email on Friday morning and not responding, I did not hear from her Friday night and all day Saturday. Today, Easter Sunday, was particularly difficult, as all I could think about was how much I missed her and wished I was spending Easter with her. My parents and family live overseas, so I have spent the last five Easters with her and her family.

This morning she called and did not leave a message. Then a few hours later she sent a text message, saying "Happy Easter, I never thought this is how Easter this year would be." I didn't respond, and two hours later, she send another text message "Good to hear from you. Why do I even try?"

Obviously sarcastics, but Try what? Is she saying she has been trying to make things work with me? I don't think so, right? More likely she is just acting out from me not responding? I want so badly to write back, but am trying my best not to. But I feel like I am doing it more because of spite and not because I want to move on. I don't. It's obvious I am not over her. All I want is her back, but I know that things will never be the same.

Here's what I don't understand, she said she wanted time but now she's the one contacting me and getting mad when I don't respond? If she wanted time, why continue to tortue me by contacting me?

Another call and this time a voicemail, it appears the NC had an effect, "F*** you. Thanks for calling me back. I am done with you. You had your chance. I hope you are thinking about what you lost right now."

Is she insane? She told me "she needed time", she "didn't want to see me" and "she didn't want to be in a relationship with me". Then she hopes I am "thinking about what I lost?" I am guessing this is just anger coming out because I won't return her calls and she thinks I have moved on? What do I do with this?

Block her, delete her, whatever it takes.
Stay NC. Remove any further drama.

This is about you, not her.

Wow. This situation sounds difficult.

Only as difficult as we make it.

Yes it is insane. You are very emotional aren't you Bill? Yes she is still pushing your buttons, and at the right time too! She knows what this time of year means to you, and that you may be weak, or vulnerable. Don't think about what she is doing, or why, because it distracts you from what your feeling, and how to cope with it positively. By now you should have recognized a pattern, and made a plan to get through it. See where you want to be in a few days, and plan on the best way to get there. Its tough if you are isolated, and have no support system to help you through this. Being lonely is a terrible feeling, and motivates some bad thinking, and decisions, but nothing wrong with being alone. Which are you?

Sounds like she wanted her space to do her own thing - but she wants to jump into being friends right away which is NOT A GOOD IDEA AT ALL. For you to cope and get passed the horrible feelings u are experiencing u need to keep up the no contact - completely.

Since she sort of wants to be friends, or at least wants to appear that way (women are sneaky and have ulterior motives - believe me - I'm a woman) - she will keep contacting u - and keep getting mad that u took her for face value when she said she wanted space - you are giving her what she asked for - no turning back. You are going to keep getting angry voicemails and sarcastic texts until she learns to stop calling. She will do it to provoke u. If you dare to respond to her - you are going to be in for WAYYYYYYY MOOOORREEE angry messages from her -and you will set yourself back really far.

A. its normal for her to contact u still - Don't RESPOND
B. you are hurting right now - if u respond u WILL hurt more. No matter what she says to you, it will make it worse! The less u know about her and what she is doing the better.
C. To work on getting passed your emotional trauma - get out of the house - go to the gym, meet new people, stay active, learn something new, do things u have always wanted to do but couldn't because your ex wouldn't let u - whatever - just don't stay home - don't be alone - and don't let yourself think about this stuff for too long.
D. DO NOT READ INTO ANYTHING SHE SAYS TO YOU - good or bad - just leave her alone.

Wooow she sounds just like my ex, except she txted me. I know how you feel bro, my ex initiated the break up and she wanted to take things slow. Then when I ignored her and started to do the NC she starts txting me and say all this BS. Its all game play man, I think cause they can't except the fact that your not their running after them and crying for them, instead your ignoring them and trying to enjoy yourself and they don't like that, they want you to be on your knees and begging for them. Its really sick but you got to over see the emotional straggle that you are dealing with right now, and focus your mind for the future. Ask yourself what do you gain if you do talk and get back in the relationship? Just keep ignoring her bro and start the healing process. That's what I'm doing right now, I get some days where I miss her but not as bad as before and I am happy for that. Be strong and know what you want.

REMEMBER, RIGHT NOW YOUR EMOTION ARE YOUR BIGGEST ENEMY!!!

Yup, all of that is right on.

I was thinking as I was reading Tal's response was that Ive been spending the Easter holiday for the past few years with my good friends. (holiday orphans, all whose families are far way)

When I got home, my heart was filled with such happiness to have them & those times.

Then I thought that a year ago my ex was there with me. (I can't believe its been a year)

This time was way better.

So it seems like she wanted out in so many ways but yet she is angry you are not at the back burner. I can see why that bothers her. I can only hope you are happy that you have kept your balls and dignity. You are putting her at her place. This will either teach her a lesson and she will miss you or she will show her true colors and disappear. If she disappears, she didn't love you and would have disappeared either way, only this time she won't have you to lean on. Either way, it's a win win for you. So start enjoying life now. Cook or workout or watch movies or go out doing an activity. You will be happy sooner or later and then you will meet your next love. If you found her, you will find another or better so don't worry about that now. Your mind isn't ready for that so it won't allow you to think you can find better. You have low self esteem right now. Relax and breath because you will be fine. Life isn't about one female. I know it's nice having one but it will come again and you will be happy. People have wives for like 40 years. Just because 5 years didn't work, you still have a lot more to go. You will find someone more mature now. Good luck and hang in there!

Ignore her stupid games.
Don't let her manipulate you into a reaction.

Find things to do with your time and make plans for your future.

Its all about you now,your life your choices.

There it is. Point by point.

I guess I'm the odd woman out.
I don't understand how this woman is so awful she is acting a bit immature, but both of you are.

Both instances it has been you that has made a call or text and when she responds, you decide not to respond back.
You text her remember? Then you decided again to ignore her reply. She sees you being the one playing the games.
Leave her alone, get over it, but take responsibility for your part in this mess.

Thank you all for the advice.

Homegirl50, you seem to always come down on the opposite side here - and I can understand that. There are always two different sides to a story. However, in this case, SHE was the one that said "she wanted a break" and wanted time to "find herself". When all of this initially happened, I responded that I wanted to do everything I could to keep her and work things out. Her response was, "I don't feel that way". There were at least two times after this initial conversation when I asked to see her, she told me "That would only make things more difficult" and "I need some time". So, I gave her what she wanted; time to herself. I responded, to her one time out of weakness to email her simply her that I was also unhappy as well with the way things ended, but since then cut off contact.

I would have to agree with everyone here, but also because I know her and believe it to be true: she thought she could take this time to go out have fun/date other people and possibly keep me on the back burner waiting for her. I know for a fact that she texted this one guy, John, to go out with him the day after she was with me for the last time. Then she ONLY contacts me when she is feeling lonely or doesn't have any other plans and expects me to respond. When I don't she gets angry. As she did yesterday.

I don't doubt that she partially blames me for how things currently are and I don't doubt that she misses me and is having a rough time with the break up too. We were together for 5 years. But SHE was the one that said she wanted out of the relationship and I haven't heard ONE thing from her indicating that she made a mistake, wants me back or it was the wrong decision - ONLY that she "misses me" and "things are different". In her message last night, she told me to off and said "you had your chance and I hope you know what you lost", but that was only AFTER she thought I was over her from not contacting her anymore. My guess was, it was based on her now feeling rejection and anger from realizing I would not be there on the back burner for her to have only when it was convenient for her. NOT that she was actually trying to work things out - because she didn't? She contacted me when it was easy for her.

I believe that even if I had responded and run back to her, it would have been the same cycle: thank you for being here, I miss you too, but I still don't want to be in a relationship with you, and I still want time to do whatever I want. That, over everything else, is why I won't reply - not because I'm playing games. But because, nothing has changed, and me opening the door to contact her will ONLY result in the same vicious cycle and more pain on my part. I still love her and believe that I may never find someone as good as her for me, but as much as I want to respond, I can't because I can't deal with the rejection and pain I have gone through over the past weeks again - and I refuse to try and be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.

I don't think you ought to be with her and I remember your saying she wanted the break up, but I also remember that you went NC with her first to get back at her, then you in a moment of weakness contacted her again and when she text you back, you decided again not to reply.

My point is you are being as indecisive as she is. You are both playing games. All I'm saying is don't paint her the heavy, you have responsibility in this too.

Sounds like the game playing is about over because our friend Bill is finally seeing the light. Way to go, now cope with those feelings. Once you know where they come from, then you can make a plan to deal with them effectively.

Some great insights there,stick to them.

Good luck.

Bill,

What you have said is true & a great start.

Refer to that whenever you feel weak.

While you are going through the healing, do some digging on who you are.
Childhood, parents, relationships, actions, decisions, everything.

A great exercise & an invaluable understanding. May shed some light and open doors.

So after the angry voicemail and making it through 2 more days of NC, I was feeling good and thought this could possibly be the end of it. What else could she say after telling someone to "Go F*** themselves and you had your chance"?

Wrong.

So again without me initating contact, tonight I get an email from her telling me she is moving into her new place next weekend. Why?

Without thinking rationally and in the heat of passion, I responded telling her to stop emailing me and calling me. That I knew about John, the guy she was talking to while she was with me. And that I don't want to stay in touch with a person who would decided that someone else was more important than me.

I wrote this half wanting closure so that she would stop contacting me and half secretly hoping that she would feel some remorse and say that part of her did still want to be with me and she was sorry for all the bulls*** she put me through. Why else would she be constantly emailing me and calling me over the past days even if I was not responding unless she cared?

Her email response, simply, "You had your chance. I've moved past it. You should have too." If she moved past it, then when is she still contacting me?

At first it was like a dagger. Right now, it doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. But I still feel like another little piece of me has died. No remorse, no regret, no sympthay, nothing.

Should have maintained NC. I guess time to start all over again. This would have been so much easier if she would have just left me alone. This time NC for ever no matter what, can't handle any more of the mind games and cold heartedness.

She is just trying to make you feel like crap. You took the bait.

The more you listen, the more it will hurt. Stop engaging with her.

Try blocking her email address.

I just got a sudden wave of depression and sadness. For some reason now, I can't stop thinking about her being sexually with another guy? Making me physically ill. How to get over this?

Stop thinking about that.
Occupy your thoughts with nice things.

Reread what all of us said about not contacting her - about how she will continue to contact u - and how you should not read into any of it. She will NEVER respond to you in a way that will make you feel better, as you are starting to learn.

No contact means - no contact - period. If she writes, delete it with out reading it, or at least don't respond. Every time you respond it makes you seem weak to her, and she gets a little more power over you.

Its really really really hard not to respond to people when they write, especially when you keep hoping that things will change - but they aren't going to. Would you want to be with a lady who had the audacity to treat you this way?

Perhaps you need to write out a letter to her telling her all the terrible things to get it out of your system. DO NOT MAIL, FAX, EMAIL, OR IN ANYWAY GIVE HER THIS LETTER! Burn it or, post it on AMHD. This is only for you to get it out.

Maybe you also need to make alist of all of the things you didn't like about her, and all of the mean things she has done to you, and every time you feel crappy - read that list.

Yup. Good exercise especially when you are feeling crappy about breaking NC again.

I did all that. Have a packed file folder.

Wrote all that stuff. I compared good & bad points for myself & her. Was brutally honest too. You should have seen how the bad outweighed the good with her.

Then I took a look at mine & really started digging deep.
Everything.

I still dig. And dig it.

Was just thinking how even after a year, I catch myself putting my thoughts in context with my ex. Then move on.

Quite crazy.

Residual effects that only help me. 5 years is a bit to bounce back from.

Time & work, man.

I may be dealing with the most manipulative person ever written about on this board. This morning, after receiving the email yesterday about moving out, my response in weakness asking her to stop emailing/calling and hoping for an apology for a few things, and her reply "You had your chance. I've moved past it. You should have too." And me deciding right there never to contact her again based on the type of person she is.

This morning, I get another email: "I''m sorry. My last email was uncalled for. I had a very rough day and am very emotional right now and am obviously having a hard time dealing with this. I will stop emailing you if that's what you want. But I want you to know that I will always be here for you if you ever need me."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by BillRoland

I will stop emailing you if that's what you want. But I want you to know that I will always be here for you if you ever need me."

---

Leeave it at that. Its time for to regain your dignity and she is giving you that opportunity now. You have the power now. So don't slip up again.

Good luck buddy!

You are too busy trying to read hidden messages in everything she does. There are none and I don't see her has "the most manipulative person."

As my Newguy 2009 just said. "Leave it at that. Its time for to regain your dignity and she is giving you that opportunity now. You have the power now. So dont slip up again."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by BillRoland

I may be dealing with the most manipulative person ever written about on this board. This morning, after receiving the email yesterday about moving out, my response in weakness asking her to stop emailing/calling and hoping for an apology for a few things, and her reply "You had your chance. I've moved past it. You should have too." And me deciding right there never to contact her again based on the type of person she is.

This morning, I get another email: "I''m sorry. My last email was uncalled for. I had a very rough day and am very emotional right now and am obviously having a hard time dealing with this. I will stop emailing you if that's what you want. But I want you to know that I will always be here for you if you ever need me."

---

After that you stay NC... and damnit man give yourself time to heal!

Not sure what you mean by "regain my dignity" and "have the power now". I didn't think this was a game for power and regarding "dignity" not even sure how that comes into play. She has been the one calling/emailing me - I responded twice - not asking for her back but asking for her to leave me alone. "Dignity" would be if I WAS begging for her back, her constantly rejecting me saying she had no interest, and then her saying that she did want me back. Hence, I would have lost my dignity from pining over her and need to regain it. I was under the impression the NC process was for individual healing - not for trying to retain power or dignity.

Regardless, I agree, the best advice at this point is to probably walk away knowing she cares, but still maintain NC for good now no matter what. Maybe after some time very far down the road we can reconcile our differences, if that is what is best for both of us. Or, not.

On a related topic: Homegirl 50, interesting that you again say that you "don't see her as a manipulative person" and again disagree about how her actions could possibly be bad. So, I read some of your other posts on advice relating to a breaks up where the woman may have acted badly and is criticized for it. In EVERY case you side with and defend the female no matter what. For example, just in the last month, Thread: My girlfriend wants to break up / move on.. help? You argued, "why is she the bad person?" when she kept stringing the man along, AND in the thread: A girl with a boyfriend, likes me" you stated, "I'm not understanding why some are blaming her and making her out to be a no good person" when she was doing things behind her boyfriends back, and many many more. I also see that you are a single parent. I don't know your current situation, but based on this, I would guess that you likely have been burned by a man in the past and that is reflected in your advice. Do you have some sort of bias? I'm not attacking you in the slightest bit, I just honestly want to make sure I know what perspective your advice is coming from.