I take it taking our dog out if she does want to would be one of the worst things I could do as well?
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I take it taking our dog out if she does want to would be one of the worst things I could do as well?
Whatever she says about the future is moot,because you have to face your life in the here and now.
Your contacting her is what many have done and many will do,but as you have discovered, that it only adds to the confusion,the agony and the pain.
Let go of the false hope,stick to the original contact i.e. at work and concentrate on getting yourself back on track.
OK amicon I appreciate the advice... the future is moot. I have a question though... we both know I'm done at this store a week Tuesday and both of us but me especially have left the doors open for contact after I quit, whether to see her new place, take the dog out, whatever. Should I make it clear before my last shift that maybe we shouldn't speak or see each other, or should I just wait and see if she even tries to contact me, than ignore it if she does? I don't like the idea of ignoring her though after saying I am open to a friendship...
I would say thank you but no thank you,meaning don't see her or walk the dog.
Don't make it harder than it has to be.
You are broken up,a friendship is not possible at least not until you are over her.
You know, this site always makes me think more clearly... I love you guys haha. Thanks amicon, I feel better and a little bit wiser now. As I said 1 1/2 weeks till no contact so I'm sure ill be back plenty of times!
Good!:-)
This site is awesome,and its great being here.
Come back whenever you need to.
Have a good Saturday,its evening here, so I'm signing off now.
Take care.
Hey original! I did that with my ex man, I did no contact thinking that it would bring her back to me, in reality I was just putting myself in false hope. Everyday I would miss her and keep looking at the phone every second. Then One day she keeps txting and txting saying she want to talk to me. So we did and she said that she wants to work things out and she wants us to be together again. I thought that was good till one day I just realized that even though we do end up being together would it even make any difference, my heart loves the idea of us being back together, but my mind knows that I would only be in pain once again. I mean if she can break it off, she can do it again. So I just started ignoring her, she text got mad, but I didn't give in. Now I feel way better no contacting her then us being in contact. I did save myself a big future heart ache. Every here says once is broken there is no reason of fixing it cause it won't be the same. They are right, I know I am better off without her in my life. You deserve someone special and you need to tell yourself that, to settle for less man.people here knows what they are talking about. I still miss her here and there but not as bad as before. Keep your head up and once your ready go out and talk to people. Lates and hope things goes well for you.
Hey guys, show meurmoves it is awesome to hear from you man! I tried to PM you but it said you have disallowed private messaging, I could use a good ear sometimes so if you don't mind would you fix it so we can help each other out? I'm going to need it...
So officially one week until NC starts, in the meantime I have just trying to be a good friend to her and stuff at work, I showed up early one day to give her a bit of a break and go home early, cracking jokes, just trying to be the nice guy that I am. I know you guys will say these things are big mistakes, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want her back. Every time I come here, smell her perfume, see her, I can't help but crack. Who knows, maybe she will miss me once I'm gone? I find it so hard to believe that such a sweet caring girl could just let go of 3 years so easily... but I'm also logical enough to know this is false hope. In the battle of heart vs brain though, the heart is winning right now. I just can't help it, I really hope things start getting easier next week. I'm going to need my own NC calendar :(
They will,and then your heart can go on a brake(no pun intended) and let your brain take over.
When you can allow yourself to accept that it is over,false hope and' the what ifs' will fade.
I cannot wait for the what Ifs and my feelings for her to subside, I'm so glad I put my 2 weeks in when I did because it's like I hot a reset button on my feelings almost every night when I see her. She is so hard to read too, like I'm 99.9% sure we aren't ever going to get back together, but than she asks me of I want to walk the dog (this was this past weekend) but than she never followed through on it. I asked tonight since it's supposed to be a beautiful weekend weather wise, if we could do it than. She said she would be busy because she's moving to a different apartment this weekend. When I completely broke down last week and wrote what I would call an essay lol to her through Facebook, she said and I quote: "I don't know how I'll feel in the future, I'm afraid if we got back together right now it would go back to the way it was. I do want to be friends tho". It's like she has closed the door on me, but left it open just a sliver. Now, I'm no idiot. I know the break up was pretty much my fault, I had developed trust issues for no apparent reason the past 6 months, and I didn't give her the space she needed. Other than my slip up with Facebook last week, and seeing her at work, I have given her all the space in the world. And I'm still really confused on how to handle my last shift... I asked her if it would be OK to say thank you to her parents for all their help/support the past few years, but as far as she goes, I'm at a loss. My friends have suggested writing a letter, getting everything off my chest one last time, but everything I needed to say I said in that FB message, so it would be like beating a dead horse. I'm thinking I'll ask for one last hug, and tell her to take care. I also have been told to play it like I don't care at all lol and just be over happy that it's my last shift there... so I ask you fellow amhd'ers, what would you do? All thoughts/advice appreciated.
Hey original I just fixed my pm hope it works. Just an advice, the more you talk to her the more pain you will feel, Have you realized when you 2 are talking you feel good and happy, but then once you are alone again you feel the pain even worst and you feel so confused.
I know every time I talk to my ex I feel good like everything is going to be the way it was, but that was just all my emotion talking, its like a drug you know its bad for you but you just got to have the last high. Its time to make yourself happy, and you deserve to be happy man. Believe me all the thought that you had I had it to, I was hoping and wishing so hard that if I do no contact she will start missing me and wanting us back, but it wasn't helping me, it only made it worst, everyday I would be thinking the what if's and I didn't really gave my heart the proper way of healing.
You do No Contact not for her but for you to move on. The more you think about the what ifs the more pain you are allowing for yourself in the future.
PM me anytime bro I know how you feel cause I'm going through one right now.
The sooner I had accepted the fact that I don't want the relationship any longer and that there is no chance of us getting back together the faster I started healing. One more thing, When I was talking to my ex she said she wants to take things slow and for us to keep talking, people here said here in the website, Me being there for her, keeping in contact, I'm actually helping her get over me faster. I didn't realized why at first but now I finally know why they said that. Ignore her, the more you wait the more your postponing your healing process.
Hey man good to hear from you! I'm posting from why iPhone at work, but I will pm you with more in depth details when I get home in front of the PC. Any thoughts on how to handle the last shift? (from my last post). And how's your situation going? Did your ex ever break NC?
And by the way, that whole "talking to them being like a high" thing? Totally true. Every time we talk at work, or share a laugh, I feel ecstatic lol. Than she says bye, goes home, I'm here all alone, and back at step one. Every night. That was one hell of an analogy my friend.
Yea bro just keep thinking on how wonderful your life is going to be now. That's how I get through my days, it wasn't easy at first but it does later. Yea man my ex did break the NC, a few min ago she txted me saying, "its funny how you say you love me but do nothing to prove it well have a nice life and iam done waiting goodbye glen now all we have are memories goodbye:)" No lie bro she sent that to me like twice, when I got that text I wanted to text her back so bad but I know it won't do good, I will be back in step 1. I am starting to love my single life again, I'm starting to enjoy every min I have alone, and that took awhile to get used to. I know its killing her at this moment that I'm not giving in her BS. Do the same man, even though you 2 do get back together it won't be the same, I ask many people and they said that when they did got back it wasn't the same and the person that ended it in the beginning they did the second times. It was broken for a reason, so its not worth fixing. If you love someone you will endure all the problems and the pain to get the relationship back to where it was, not break up and see what happens that's not love.
I feel for you man, like what goes through her head to dump you, than come back and say " you said you will always love me" and that bs. Women eh? On my way home from work though. Will post again in a bit
I know dude its stupid. I mean if she wanted to be with me really bad why didn't she stay and fix the issues instead of leaving it. Drive safe bro.
So I have a game plan... time to take all of your advice
Be polite, and unavailable at work. I will feel weird doing it, because we broke up due to my screwing up, but I guess its time to be selfish and not talk to her anymore than I have to. No chit chat, nothing.
On my last shift, say thank you to her parents when they pick her up for all their support over the years... they helped me out with a lot of things so it's the least I can do. And as for "d", say take care, and tell her I need NC right away. That avoids any text messaging, or Facebook problems down the line. Hopefully she respects this after all this talk of being friends and whatever, you guys are right, won't work, can't work
Polite,and busy is good.
As for her parents-will you run into them briefly outside the shop?
Can you handle a conversation with them?
That's up to you of course but I would proceed with caution on that one.
@amicon... I see her parents when they pick her up from work. I'm pretty sure I can handle it... I would feel worse I think if I didn't do it as they did do a lot for both of us.
So a minor update, she asked why I was so quiet at work tonight so I said that I had been thinking, and that after my last shift (7 days to the hour exactly) that we cannot have any contact. I said seeing her every night has me holding onto false hope and I can't look at her as just a friend. This didn't seem to phase her. I asked if she understood and she said yes, and that's pretty much it... shows what I'm worth after 3 years I guess. Oh well, at least she knows why the next week will be awkward. I feel really crappy right now, maybe I should have waited, but I feel like I can get stronger from here on out. I'm slowly accepting that it wasn't meant to be, and I need to move on. Hopefully I can be strong the next week.
Wow guys, I'm at work right now and I'm losing my mind! I have sat in this chair doing nothing but re-reading old threads trying to keep myself strong. I feel like I made a huge mistake not waiting until next Tuesday to say that. I may be over analyzing (guilty of this through out my life) and I feel really down and depressed about my current position in life. I feel like I have nothing going for me at all. I'm 22 years old, I can't drive and don't own a vehicle, I live in a small Canadian hick town lol with nothing to do. I work crappy jobs, don't make a whole lot... like no wonder it's not a big deal to leave me. Mind you, this girl is 19 this year, she has only 8 high school credits (you need 30 to graduate in Canada), she owns a car and drives though, so at least she has that going for her. I have 28 credits and currently am taking correspondance courses to get those 2 credits, and am in the middle of applying to the Canadian forces. Like me and this girl held each other back from so much, and I really regret our lack of progression together. I find myself filled with nothing but regret now:(
What's said and done is said and done-so don't beat yourself up over your telling her your nc plans.
Make a plan for your future,get that driving licence,buy a car,get the credits you need etc.
Yea I am working on getting the credits... the whole car thing is another issue. I got a charge for driving without insurance in high school and hae a hefty fine to pay before I can even think about driving again. I just am so upset that I never took care of all my problems during our relationship, and now I'm left to face it alone. I hate the lack of progression on both our parts, partly why I'm trying to get in the forces. Get out, see the world, and make some real money so I CAN take care of these fines, etc. I donno why tonight sucks so bad...
Another thing that just happened:
Recently after the break up I re established contact with a friend ( a girl) from grade school. She has been a nice support system through out tw break up, but lately she has been putting thoughts in my head of there being someone else that my ex is seeing. Even if there is, nothing I can do about it but still I don't need those thoughts in my head, at all. Also, this girl has her own boyfriend of 2 years, but constantly flirts with me, asks me to comment on her Facebook pics, sends me 50 texts a day, it's starting to get a bit too much. If I ignore her texts, she keeps them coming and eventually lays down a guilt trip. I don't need this right now! I told her to back off tonight, but I feel bad even about that because other than her suggestions of another guy, she has listened to me vent over and over. I made a mess of tonight my friends. Feels good to come here and vent though.. thanks for reading
So long as you have a plan for your future and stick to it,that's all good.
As for the other girl,it seems she has some sort of hidden agenda,so telling her to back off was the right thing to do.
Tell her again if need be.
All right amicon, that makes me feel a bit better. Once I'm done here and I have a few weeks before the new job starts I'm going to work hard on those courses, see my friends, and do everything I can to keep busy. I still have a hard time wrestling with the fact that a girl who seemed to love me so much can throw 3 years away and not be phased... I guess it helps if the dumper has it planned out already. Will update whenever there's new developments
Ps... whatever happened to sneezy? His thread gets me through the day haha
Hang in there,it will get better soon.
Sort of quoting you:we do know what we talk about here.
As for her change of heart,I don't think it happened overnight,and that's what a lot of dumpers do-they start changing and by the time they call it quits,they have more or less moved on.
Of they have more or less moved on though, why is it in 99% of the threads I read the ex breaks NC or worse, wants to get back together?
I see it differently,its more a question of wanting to feel they are still in charge I e a bit of a powertrip,plus in some cases missing the relationship,even though they don't want to be in it.
You can be a dumper and still hurt,trust me on that one.
I do believe that what does end most relationships is a lack of honest adult communication.
Haha agreed. Adult communication... not possible with a girl who's 18. Haha she actually has told me "i don't want to talk about our breakup". That really helped for closure lol
Lol-she has some growing up to do.
Got to go work-stay strong.
Laters. :-)
Some people cope better than others with the reality they face, especially when its something they don't want to face. As with most people the decision to dump the person was not made overnight ( Had to spread the rep Amicon GRR!) and when you have to go through that experience, when you no longer feel the same way about your partner who is absolutely into you, will you understand what you go through to finally make that decision.
Wouldn't it be really nice to dump someone, but still have them as a friend? A pal to talk to and hangout with? Sure it would if you no longer have romantic feelings for them, that would be great until some other interests came along.Quote:
Of they have more or less moved on though, why is it in 99% of the threads I read the ex breaks NC or worse, wants to get back together?
That's what's usually behind exes coming back after they have dumped their partners, plus there is no guilt about losing feelings, if they agree to be friends. You must remember, they have no shock of a break up like you do, so they are over the hard part, but they do feel bad when YOU go NC, and reject their friendship, but they have to find it elsewhere.
Some upon being disappointed by another interest not working out, or not being able to find another romantic interest, will often want the one they dumped back, and that's usually a sign of some other issue to be dealt with by them, such as fear of being alone, or bored with their lives, but its seldom enough to rebuild, because if you let them back without the issues they had before being resolved, it won't be long until they are gone again.
You get all the closure you need by accepting her feelings have changed, and moving beyond it, as its been my experience that when the mind clears of those intense emotions, facts come to the surface, you just can't see them because your feelings are in the way.Quote:
Haha she actually has told me "i don't want to talk about our breakup". That really helped for closure lol
Nobody likes to admit they made a mistake, and chose the wrong partner, so they shift blame, and do all kinds of things to make it the fault of another, and if your 18 year old is keeping in touch, trying to get back with you, I suggest you have a healthy, clear mind to deal with her, and hopefully put this mess behind you where it belongs. You can only do that by NC, as any contact with the ex will confuse you, and make a simple thing that's hard to do much more complicated.
Many come here thinking its okay to keep talking to an ex after they dump you for whatever reason, and some only want closure, some want to get back what they had, (which is not possible because history with that person, and the feelings they have gone through, make it so) but only healing, and clarity of thoughts and actions can give you what you want, and that's to be happy, and this is but a process to get you to see its you, not them that's responsible for your own happiness, and to develop your coping skills to deal with your reality.
That's why you cut all contact, and look to yourself for answers, and solutions. That's what NC, and the healing process is about. Stop chasing your tail, and get busy on you, because she can't help you, nor is she willing to. But she will confuse you. She doesn't want to talk, leave her alone. That's the real signal you are getting.
Haha bahhhh this woman! I did all right tonight guys... I feel like I have made small improvements. Since I have told her my NC plans I have done my best even though I still see her most nights at work. I come in, say a quick hi (she says hi first) than I go about my business and find things around the store to keep me busy, and I think she is noticing this. The past 2 nights she has asked "why are you so grumpy?" and "why are you so quiet?". Do I care? It stings a bit, I find it immature to ask why I'm grumpy when I've told her I'm going NC, but I just write it off and don't give it any thought. I find myself slowly realizing, do I even want a girl who's this immature? Like no contact means no chit chat, no contact lol doesn't mean I'm grumpy haha. I feel good tonight guys and gals, 2 days off than only 3 times I have to see her at work and I'm done... I read my posts from last night in shame. Keep your head up everyone, I see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Bring on the rollercoaster I say!
You've turned the corner-thats great.
That light at the end of the tunnel will shine more brightly every day.
As for the ex's comments-ignore them.
Glad to hear that your doing just fine original. The best thing now is to look at your bright future and you don't having anyone to tell you what you can and cannot do.
I hope this answers your question.
When I was dating my ex before this ex. She was so much inlvoe, did everything together, and I did everything for her. Spoiled her and all that extra miles. We dated for 2.5 yrs and she thought everything was good. She thought our relationship was unbreakable and no one can break us apart. But what she didn't know, for the past 6 months of our relationship I was un happy. The love wasn't their anymore. I did everything I can to get the feeling I have back but there was nothing I can do or she can do to get the fire back on. So I broke it off with her, she cried and cried and begged me to stay but I had no more feelings. I walked out of her life with no emotions, I felt bad cause she was crying but in reality I was happy cause I was no longer in the relationship. I know no matter what she says or do she can't get me back cause I already had decided that I don't want to be with her anymore. It wasn't the course of 1 week but the course of 6 months, and that's why I could just walk away from that relationship cause over the course of time I had been thinking and thinking about the break up. I hope that can answer why she can just walk away from 3 yrs of your relationship.Quote:
I still have a hard time wrestling with the fact that a girl who seemed to love me so much can throw 3 years away and not be phased
She had already planned it in her head and that's why she wasn't shock when you guys broke up.
Talaniman Rules-Never assume that your feelings are shared by any one else.
Learned this the hard way. Even now, after more than 30 years of marriage, I never assume my wife's feelings, and never take them for granted. Keeps me on my toes and keeps me paying close attention.
Wow... major setbacks my friends..
So today was pay day at work, and I showed up at noon to pick up my paycheque. I owed my ex some money off this pay for an HDTV that we bought together, but I'm keeping. Because I'm such a lucky person, she shows up at the same time as me to pick up her pay.
So she offers me a ride home since we are both standing in the store, and I have to give her money anyway. Like an idiot, I took the ride. My last shift has changed from Tuesday to Sunday (thanks to an a-hole boss, but that's a different story) and I wouldn't see her again, so I figured I would use this time to say my goodbyes so to speak. Harder... than I could have ever imagined it being. I told her I was sorry I handled the break up so horribly at the beginning, and that I was truly sorry for not giving her the space and trust that she needed. I also stated again my need for NC after today. All she had to say back to me was "i'll see you again"... probably the worst thing she could have said.
When you all read this post, it will sound like I'm overanalyzing what she said, and I may be. But there was something in her tone... something that said her mind wasn't completely made up, and it's really getting to me.
After that I gave her the hug, told her I'll always love her, and said take care and went back up to my apartment, and that was that. I feel like any progress I have made has just been reset completely. My day since then was horrible. I went out to the movies with a group of friends, hit a few different bars afterwards, and I can honestly say there was never a space of at least 30 seconds where I didn't think of her.
I am completely miserable right now, and am completely on the verge of breaking down to her again. I'm not going to, I have some amazing friends who have talked me out of it and given me all sorts of various reasons on why this is for the best, but I guess I'm not in the state of mind to hear it right now. It all feels so real, so finished now.
She kind of has me hoping with the whole "I'll see you again" thing, only because I told her NC would be in effect for at least a year if not longer (this will take me a long time to heal 100%) and she just kept saying "I'll see you again". Today is now Saturday morning, I work tonight, and again for my last shift Sunday night, and that's it. Any support/advice/suggestions anything to help me see straight and get me back to where I was a few days ago guys, would be greatly appreciated. I didn't think I would be doing the whole "goodbye" thing today, and I sure as heck didn't have more than maybe 15 seconds to prepare what I wanted to say. I can't bear the fact that I have lost this girl forever...
Original sorry to hear that dude. But what progress did you get out of it. You talking to her what do you gain, you going in her car what do you gain. NOTHING. Saying your goodbyes you gain NOTHING. I hear you man I know how that felt cause I went through it. That's why its best to never ever contact them, see them, cause right after you will feel confused and lost.
will you need to accept the fact that she is no longer yours forever. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can let go with the false hope and move on. Write you feelings down when you start missing her a lot. That's what I do and it really do help. And also like this guy had told me in my thread he said.Quote:
I can't bear the fact that I have lost this girl forever...
Quote:
kp2171you are not ready to be over her and you aren't frustrated enough to follow NC and that's OK. Its your lesson to learn.
When you date someone, expect it to hurt when it ends. It should not be a shock. Missing someone is not a good enough reason to want to get back
You could have declined the ride-so you put yourself through this,because I suspect,false hope reared its ugly head again.
As for what she said-dont read anything into it.
False hope again.
As you are realising,the hard way, every interaction sets you back.
So don't do this to yourself.
Yea I'm an idiot... screwed up today and completely went back on everything I said I would do. I'm pretty disappointed in myself, and now I pay the consequences. Showme:that bit of advice from your thread does help, and amicon you called it. I did this to myself. Time to get some sleep, been up 27 hours straight, had a couple beers, no wonder this day is a mess. Thanks all but I need to sleep this one off and regroup tmmw. Happy Easter to all of you though, and thanks again
Happy Easter to you too-get some kip-you'll feel better for it.
Laters.
So day 1 of nc was unfortunately broken (very briefly) tonight only because we bumped into each other at work. I don't know why she was even there as her sister was working, but something did sting...
A bit of background info: when I first met this girl she was in with the wrong crowd. Hard drugs, and these girls were way to promiscuous. Tonight when I saw her, she was hanging out with the WORST girl from this group. It kind of has me thinking "what the heck is happening to this girl". I guess trying out her freedom...
I laughed at it a few minutes later though. All the progress she made the past few years in getting cleaned up is very likely to be undone hanging out with this girl. It hurts, but I guess her problem not mine. Tonights my last shift so after today I am done and free to begin healing properly. Still feels really hard though...
Its supposed to hurt bad, after all you're only human, and you cared. If it didn't hurt, then you would have cause to worry.
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