If you don't, you're in trouble. Situation are seldom about others, but the way we deal with it.
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If you don't, you're in trouble. Situation are seldom about others, but the way we deal with it.
Listen to Talaniman!
So true.
Proof is in the pudding. Yum, pudding...
Some people don't change in a lifetime, let alone in 5 or so weeks.
Yeah thanks guys, I read the stickies.
The only reason Im going to do this now is like I said, I don't want to prolong this. I know if I cut contact again and in a couple months time when she comes back, I'll be thinking about taking the opportunity again. I feel that would be time wasted.
Im going to approach it now, but really smartly and look out for anything that might seem odd.
Like Tal said, if her actions are sincere they will show.
I doubt she's changed in 5 weeks, however if she can show some positive actions towards change then this will give me something to go off.
This doesn't mean a free pass back into my life, she ran out of it!
Perhaps I should set a rough time scale on this?
I can tell you from experience that all you think is good too you, is not good for you.
That's why some thoughtful considerations, before you make decisions, and take action, is highly recommended.
Glad you're seeing that and being more cautious and thoughtful about gathering facts first, before you jump in. That's a big step in dealing with reality, and making good decisions for yourself in the future.
You sound desperate to me and she can sense it. She got you on a leash. The last 5 weeks of NC was like a ticking time bomb and she just set it off. If you screw this up, you'll be back to square one again. Listen to what we are telling you. I wish I had all this resource available when I was dating lol.
I never really jumped in in the beginning either. I knew her for a fair few months then we dated for about 4 months then I decided to take the chance after weighing up the situation. It wasn't till a over a year down the line these things started cropping up. I guess that's when you really start finding out about a person huh.
Ahh, I don't want to sound desperate. Which parts of this is making me sound desperate? That's the last thing I want to appear.
Thanks
I think you give us that impression when you jump to whatever she says.
Its like she is a need that you must have at a price of yourself. For most of us that's a very high price to pay for attention.
What you are saying is if she come back in a month time, although it's wasted time but it's OK. Sound like she got all the power to me and she decide when to come back and you would allow it.Quote:
Originally Posted by itsyerboi
This scenario is nothing new. Happened to me as well. I used to have an ex, she broke up with me but sometime would call me and said still love me bla bla bla, as soon as I said I want to meet her, she said no. I am sure the last 5 weeks was a rollercoaster ride for you. Probably wondering when she's going to call lol. She may be just checking to see if she still got power over you and she made the right decision or not. You show weakness by wanting to see her this weekend.
If she was desperate or really deeply in love wit you, forget about the weekend, she would want to see you right there at that moment if you insist. Like Tal said, talk about this over the phone is the best.
Good luck , do what we have told you to do or at least take some of the advice.
Ah I understand what you mean now. It still wouldn't be all right if she just came back in a month either. What I mean is, id rather see how things go now then spend anymore time on this. I was really starting to close her out the last 5 weeks, I could start that phase again if she doesn't show improvement.Quote:
Originally Posted by hungtoronto
I guess I seemed a little eager asking to meet this weekend. Again one of the reasons I did it was because I figured hey, if you want me back that bad you'll jump at the chance to see me. I put it out there and she responded by saying no, I'll see you next weekend like we planned.
Im going to pull the plug on next weekend and talk on the phone to see if things improve.
How should this situation really go?
In a manner in which she didn't have control over the whole situation?
I figure if she knows she's got me, she's not going to want me as much.
She actually called today and mentioned something about next weekend, wanting to just have a nice time or whatever. I didn't respond to it.
I'll call her through the week and say next weekend is off until we figure some things out over the phone.
Let us know how it goes! Good Luck!
Thanks I will do.Quote:
Originally Posted by Kitkat22
Im going with real caution. What's thrown me off most is that fact that she didn't jump at the chance to meet up with me when I suggested. Made me feel she's not as bothered about getting back as she maybe making out. I try to follow the actions and not the words.
I have some other options and quite a high interest from another girl Ive known for about 8 years. My friends have told me I should probably move forward and explore these options rather than moving back.
While its fair to have options for yourself, I feel that its almost wrong that Im considering them, while thinking about getting back with me ex.
I hpe you do as your friends have suggested. Good Luck.
Did she knew something about this other girl that's why she's back begging?Quote:
Originally Posted by itsyerboi
Forget her! Who knows? Please stop doing this to yourself!
She has no clue of this other girl who's showing a lot of interest, or a couple of the other ones who have given me hints.Quote:
Originally Posted by hungtoronto
That's mainly the reason why I feel bad when I talk to these other girls. I just speak friendly with them, I try to be friendly with everybody. Now they know Im single, they're starting to talk to me a lot more and in a different manner for example when Im out and see them, or sending me texts etc.
Although on the other hand, I'm not doing anything wrong. They always make contact with me, not I with them.
Start talking to the other girls! Who cares about her reasons?She doesn't want you. Make a cleean break.
Quote:
Originally Posted by itsyerboi
She must of heard something about your other women not from you but maybe from your friend. From my experience, girls don't just come back begging for no reason. From what you wrote above, you sound desperate, should keep it short and sweet. She knew that she still got you, you keep asking why she doesn't want to meet. She knows you're not going anywhere yet so there's no rush. I suggest you explore your options because if she want you back knowing you are with others girls then it will be short lived if you are back together and you'll be back to being hurt again.
Like KitKat said.
Stop worrying about her, just you.
You act like she's got you under some spell.
A clean break is the ticket here.
You disappeared before. Do it again, except this time she won't reel you back in.
Can't you see this is only causing heartache & confusion.
You were doing fine before.
She doesn't talk to my friends. There's absolutely no way she could know. But she said over the phone she is worried I may meet somebody else.Quote:
Originally Posted by hungtoronto
What's funny is, the only time she seemed really bothered and her feelings were intense was when I picked the phone up after 5 weeks. The couple of times we've talked then, she's slowed down 'I don't want to rush' and does seem all that bothered again. She was only bothered when she thought I was gone for good.
You guys are right!
What confuses me so much is, how can a girl act soooo sweet when I'm saying and doing all the right things, or at least the things she wants me to say and do, yet the moment I go against the grain, she turns into a controller and its her way or the highway.
Is there ever a way around people like this? Or do you just have to leave them behind?
She's got good morals, comes from a good family, etc, she's very attractive, except it seems if things are going her way, she makes it really difficult for me.
Im not worried about not being able to find another girl. This other girl pursuing me is equally attractive. It just feels quit hard to believe this is the end of the road.
You can't change somebody else's behaviour can you?
Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
Ps, I was actually doing fine before.
It seemed different then. She broke up and I thought fine screeewww youuu then. And from then on I ignored her calls, mainly because I had a reason. She'd really hurt me by breaking up.
This time she's not done that so I bet its going to be harder to just disappear again.
Never assume what a female does, and doesn't know about what your doing. NEVER. Trust me, they have ways.
I think if I may get a cliché that fits here, "all that glitters is not gold" and despite the things you point out about her family, her looks, You have been forced to see how she is besides all that gold stuff you see. It takes a lot more than looks or breeding to be a good romantic partner, who is happy when she gets her way, and very unhappy when she doesn't. Those are the things you should be paying attention to, not just the looks.
I would say you have had an ample amount of time to see the whole picture and not just the outside, and can judge for yourself whether she is worth all this hassle and drama.
That's why I say talk over the phone, so you can listen to her without the looking into her eyes and getting lost, without seeing her good side for a weekend, and getting stirred up emotionally.
She wants to go slow, then cancel the weekend, and talk over the phone HONESTLY expressing your questions, as you have done here. Or else you will be stepping back to the same thing you just left.
It was telling that she told you she was afraid of you moving on, so forget being impatient, and miss seeing things you should be paying closer attention to, and I don't mean how she looks in a skirt she will wear just to attract you.
Take your time and look deeper into her mind, or be hurt again, maybe worse this time.
Yeah I understand what you mean. Its been about 2 years from meeting her and then becoming exclusive.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Hey, it wasn't just her looks, she's very caring as well, she does some charity work too. She's been very kind to my mum as well. But as you say, when she's not getting her own way, she's unhappy and boy does she let it be known!
I can't imagine her getting dressed up to come over to my house and charm me, she doesn't wear skirts for a start haha, just regular clothes.
I just called her up and said look Id rather talk about things over the phone before you come over next weekend and we just act like nothing has happened. I said we need to discuss things openly over the phone and I'll need to see that things have changed before we start meeting in person again because I don't want to end back at square one.
She said oh right, I'm disappointed you don't want me over but if that's what you want to do then cool. It's a good suggestion and it will allow us to talk about things sensibly without getting locked in with our emotions in person.
I think that went pretty well. I kept it short.
What do you get from her response?
I had a feeling she was going to say fine, forget it then, but I got a surprise when she didn't. Maybe she's taking this more seriously than I thought.
Thanks
Take the advice on these other post and you can't go wrong.
Enough chit chat, get honest with some real talk, and start with things you need to know. Make a list!!
Hmm I can't see this going down well.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
During the whole relationship, anything that has happened Ive asked questions about, not to be a pain but to get a good understanding of things.
She thinks I ask too many questions.
If I bombard her with a list of questions, I can tell you for a fact she isn't going to like it or even want to answer them all.
I kind of feel like Im wasting my time on this one.
How do you make the RIGHT decision and STICK to it?
I can see where you could be irritating! I'm sorry but it's true! No really you do need to ask her about important things and try to get some answers before you waste anymore time on her.
What do you think makes me irritating?Quote:
Originally Posted by Kitkat22
I have MANY bad habbits but I've never thought of irritating as one of them.
Like I said, Ive asked important questions in the past, she gives one or two words bad and thinks that's end of conversation. If I ask again, she don't want to know.
That doesn't sound very mature on her part.
Here's a good question for her:
"Do you want to be in a committed relationship with me"
If this answer is "No, or not right now, or Im not sure".
Then roll & start living your life again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by itsyerboi
Okay you ask for it. You keep asking what you should do and then you come back with another question about almost the same thing. Another is you have been given some very good advice and I wonder if you are taking any of it. I mean I'll bet you are a really nice guy but all the different questions lead back to the same thing. The ex.
You have to be told over and over again. You should make a list of questions to ask her and ask her those questions only. Don't keep asking her more questions if she doesn't tell you what you want to hear.
No wonder she thinks Im a pain. I am a pain in this situation.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
If I ask you a question and you answer 'mm' or 'yeah' and that doesn't clear the issue up in my head, Im going to ask you again.
After a year of me having to keep asking you the same question 3 or 4 times you're going to think, damn this guys a pain.
Its funny how I never have to repeat a question more than once to friends or family members to get a satisfying answer.
If Im always banging on and banging on, that's probably some of the reason she called it quits.
I actually asked her on the phone why she called it quits and she said she was 'tired of me going on at her for losing her cool'. Solution, don't lose your cool? She also said she WAS in the wrong for losing her cool all the time like that and admitted that I often said very little and she would lose it. She blames this on her depression and said it wasn't fair to keep shouting at me like that. Which I agree with.
I'll certainly ask her the question you've suggested. If I can't get a good answer for that one, its not worth asking any others.
I agree.
That's the only question you need to know the answer to.
I appreciate what you're saying.Quote:
Originally Posted by Kitkat22
I'll stop asking questions here.
Im making a list. But if I ask and she won't answer, there's nothing much I can do and that's what annoys me the most.
I thought I was a nice guy once, but since Ive been involved with this girl I question it. Ive turned into a robot asking question after freaking question because I can get a straight answer. Which probably makes me look too full on or possessive. The whole thing paints a bad light on me. I was never full of questions with my previous girlfriend, Id ask and she'd answer.
All the hanging around is driving me crazy.
Thanks
I'm a very irritating person myself sometimes! Know when to be quiet and you'll see a difference. Let her talk... and don't interrupt her.Quote:
Originally Posted by itsyerboi
When she's finished ask her if you can talk to her about things. I hope I didn't hurt your feelings, but sometimes I've told my older children when they were about ready to graduate high school, "i would say , "You all are starting to irritate me".My sweet son would always say "We need to stop irritaing mom , cause when mom's not happy nobody is." Take care sweeetie and let us know how everything goes.:)
No you need to keep in contact with us. We will help you through this! You can ask anything you want too. That's why we're here!Quote:
Originally Posted by itsyerboi
Dude, communication is the basis & foundation for everything.
We give advice here, no problem.
If she isn't willing to communicate or be honest, then she's not right for you.
I wouldn't want to keep asking either.
I think the problem here is everybody communicates differently.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
Where she may think an issue is solved in few words, this isn't enough for me and that is what causes the problems.
And come to think of it, when I first picked up the phone to her I asked if she wanted a serious relationship with me and she said yes but used the line 'I don't want to rush back into anything' And thus brought the complication of me looking desperate by asking to see her sooner rather than later.
Anyway, we'll see how it goes.
Thanks guys
You need to keep posting sweetie, that's why we're here!Quote:
Originally Posted by itsyerboi
Well, that sounds contradictory to me.
I guess you need to discuss what exactly it is you both want.
Then make some decisions.
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