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That isn't going to happen. But you realizing why may happen.
You can wish & pray all you want, but at some level you have to take responsibility for now & your past. Finally own up, do some serious soul searching.
What is the deal with your other 4 kids, how did that come about?
You got to look to things that do work in your life. And the ones that don't & why.
This is your life. You have made it this way with your decisions.
Never too late to change.
That definitely makes sense. But how do I go about that? And, do you think it will make a difference in how she treats me, or maybe take the relationship more seriously?Quote:
Originally Posted by friend4u178
Stop worrying about her. Only you.
Did you forget to read the last few posts?
What relationship?
You don't put up with the cr*p simple as that , if she can't handle it bad luck. It's either that or you make a choice to put up with it , but then you can't complain about it.Quote:
Originally Posted by darkdays
Sorry Bud but sometimes people are just not meant to be together , and if she wants to play with your emotions all the time that's not fair nor healthy , and certainly not something I'd put up with.
Oh. Yeah you forgot tell us the deal with your other 4 kids.
The mom(s)?
I agree with what you are saying, but I always tried to make it right and have a family with her and our child, as I did with my ex-wife, which I have three kids to. My ex-wife and I never played any games with each other, so I really don't know much about them. My ex-wife and I just simply didn't love each other and got married only because we thought it was the right thing to do after having our first child. We realized a few years ago, or more so she did, that we couldn't really be happy that way for the long haul. I didn't really want to split up, but I understood and I knew I couldn't give her what she wanted. She is now happy with someone who does love her the way she wanted, and I am very happy for her.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
One with the on and off girlfriend, three with the ex-wife.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
Hence, four kids.
Sorry to hear how kids become the products of unhealthy relationships.
Thanks, just wanted to know.
Im another product.
Sometimes people repeat the same mistakes, and don't even know why.
Just don't make another mistake. Like I said before, make sure that this son doesn't "slip away".
Screw her.
Then why does she say she loves me so much any other time? How do I get her from playing the games to giving a real relationship? Or is she just too far gone to do that? Look, I don't know how to deal with things like this, I don't understand them. I've never had to go through any of this before her, and I've never been that way myself or thought in those ways. What's her big benefit of playing all these games when all it does is keeps us from building an actual relationship and a life together?Quote:
Originally Posted by friend4u178
Well I never wanted it that way for the kids. I wanted to raise them in a family.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
Dude, read you initial post.
She sucks.
The point is what are you hanging on? Those are the questions you need to be asking. Not the ones about her. I can't answers those. She's not here.
You know dark days, I think I would be projecting some of this energy to have a better relationship with your children. I can't believe you care more about this woman (with questionable morals) than you do your children.Quote:
Originally Posted by darkdays
Those children DID NOT ask to be brought into this messed up world where daddiys sleeping with his girlfriend and has another child. All you have griped about throughout all these post has been the messed up piece of tail you are after. You are like a dog in heat and all I can say is God help your children. I'm through!
Maybe you are just good at having kids not relationships.
Sounds like you aren't very responsible, even though your intentions in you head may feel otherwise. But there's apologizing and then there's true actions.
Don't be a victim anymore.
Her actions certainly don't show that she loves you , she may say so but words are cheap. Sounds to me that your willing but she isn't.
I just don't know why nothing works out. Not only her, but getting another job, just everything. Im trying not to whine so much, and I guess Im just trying to find the answers. I try my butt off with her, and it fails, I try like hell to get another job, but nothing comes through.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
I don't know, I guess I can't expect anyone else to have the answers to my problems. I guess Im just seeing if others have gone through some of these things and how they handled it.
How's about some therapy? Contact one.
Figure out why you are continuing on this path.
Before you bring another kid in.
All of your answers are inside. Find them.
You aren't listening at all. Or care to.
Maybe that's the root of your problems.
Have said my peace
First off, I do have a great relationship with my kids, that's not the problem. Im trying to discuss problems, not things I don't have a problem with.Quote:
Originally Posted by Kitkat22
And where do you get off telling me I care more about this woman than I do my kids? Im glad your through!
Others think with their head.
You are a whiner and mmaybe that's why she left. Wake up and smell the coffee you big baby.
Then what is she doing then. And why does she do it?Quote:
Originally Posted by friend4u178
These are the things I can't understand. If there's sombody out there for her that's so much better, than why does she waste her time playing her games with me
If you don't want to answer, don't worry about it. It seems Im getting some people upset on here asking these questions.
And that's your honest opinion? From everything so far, that's what you think it is?Quote:
Originally Posted by Kitkat22
Now, now, No name calling. Please.
Lets keep things about the issues. And I got to say KitKat may have hit a nerve.
That's why I recommend seeing someone. Bring those things out face to face & not on the web.
Plus I got to call yo on that, you say you hardly ever see your other 4 kids.
Geez, I just thought if you were me & I had 4 kids, a crappy girl that doesn't want me & a new one with her.
I better slap myself pretty hard in the face and wonder why.
No, I can handle Kit Kat's take on things if that's what he really thinks it is. I can respect real criticism and hard truth. If Im being a wuss about things and you guys think that's why this girl is playing me, and your being honest about it, I can accept that, and respect it.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
I just think the comment about me caring more for her than my kids was uncalled for. I don't know where he got that BS from, but it sure wasn't from me or anything I said.
Hey don't sweat it , when you come to a public forum your going to get differing opinions , doesn't make anyone right or wrong but don't take anything to heart.Quote:
Originally Posted by darkdays
I think the bottom line is that she is definitely the core of a lot of your problems . The fact that she demeans you for her own self esteem issues is definitely a major Red Flag , amongst a lot of others.
I have no idea why she does it and I doubt anyone does except herself , I suppose you could sit down and have a real discussion about it and she'd probably still not tell you , so if it was me I'd be letting her go and then your luck might just start to turn in all the other areas of your life.
We did that already.
Like I said, man. You aren't listening.
What is it you care about is the question I guess...
She is the core of a lot of my problems, but I guess I don't have anyone to blame but myself for that, I let it happen and let it affect me. When I told her I loved her three years ago, I meant it and I was serious. I just have this belief that when you dedicate yourself to someone, you do so no matter what and for the rest of your life.Quote:
Originally Posted by friend4u178
I get your point but she obviously doesn't have the same feelings.Quote:
Originally Posted by darkdays
Life unfortunately isn't like the Movies ;)
I care about it all, and everything I've been talking about.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
I care about my kids, I care about her, I care about getting back to work and building a career again. I cared about having a family with her and raising our son, my other three, and her daughter together and having a simple, happy life.
Yeah, I know. It is what it is I guess.Quote:
Originally Posted by friend4u178
But I also believe that life is what you make it.
I guess I'll just act like I don't care either way towards her and not let her affect me anymore.
Glad you are realizing those things.
Now its going to take some work, not talk. Not to get her back. That's done.
But for you to get things on the positive. That means taking complete control over your life.
Its yours, not ours.
Your right, it's going to take a lot of work.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
But one question, what do I do if she would want to get back together? I know she'll just do the same things all over again, she has before every time. But to be honest, Im a real pushover when it comes to her. How do I fight that?
C'mon man , seriously we can't do it for you.Quote:
Originally Posted by darkdays
If she keeps doing it it's like I said earlier it's because you allow it , so it may sound harsh but grow a set and don't let her.
It's really that simple.
Don't even worry about those things. That's fantasyland.
That's what you want & rooted in false hope.
Try & live in the now & concentrate on what makes you happy. Not frustrated & depressed. You got to start using your gut & balls not your heart.
That isn't working.
Not sure why you would want to be with her anyway, honestly after all of things you have said about her. That's just another recipe for disaster. Already is a disaster.
When you meet. Keep you talks about your son, not getting back with her, like I mentioned before.
Darkdays.
Take a break. A week or so. Read these comments a dozen times & some other threads & especially the stickies at the top. Then come back.
Hey thanks guys, I know I've been a real pain in the butt about all this. I appreciate you guys hanging in there with me and putting up with it.
I know what I got to do. It's just a big difference and hard to face the reality of it.
I know I need to man-up about it, I've been her little wuss-boy for too long now. Didn't mean for it to be that way. I just tried to love her unconditionally. I guess some people just take advantage of that.
Well, not anymore. Tomorrow, Im going to have a nice day with my boy. And as far as she goes, it doesn't matter. Im done caring about that.
You have been given some great advice, by some caring people, and they are right, as no more games about trying to win an ex back, but it is time for some Good Orderly Direction for your personal life.
Sometimes we cannot see how our circumstances are related to each other, and have a hard time figuring what to do about it. This is when you have to set some priorities, that lead to a plan, so we know what actions to take.
Being unemployed restricts your options where you are, but broaden the circle, and you add to the options you have. Your single now, and not tied to a piece of ground, so get out of your circle of seeking employment by a few miles, or cities/towns, and as I said before, consider things that may be different than the work you have been use to doing. Its called getting out of your comfort zone, to explore other avenues, that may give you what you want as far as career, and cash.
As to the ex baby mama, I think the sooner you accept she isn't on the same page as you, the sooner you stop letting her define you, and keep you locked into negative thinking, the sooner you can take back control of what's really important. You, and how you feel about YOU!! She is not the priority, you are. What she wants, and thinks, is not important, what you do for yourself, and your kids is.
In that context having her in your life sounds good, but is not realistic, nor needed for you to grab hold of your own life.
I think once you focus on what you can control, and put actions in that direction, you will see that a lot makes sense, and is doable. That's the whole problem, you're too focused on what doesn't make sense (the words and actions of another), and nor what's important to what you want, and need (a LIFE of your own, that makes you feel good about yourself, and what you're doing).
People are, who they are, for whatever reason, but in your own situation, is where you need the attention, and action. I bet you would make a great volunteer, especially at a church that caters to providing food, and housing, or even as a teacher, or mentor, to some add risk kid who needs some guidance.
Hardy a paying job, but is WORK, while you get your career, and life, together.
Its hardly a coincidence that I focus on you, and things you can do for yourself, and not on how to handle your ex, because that to is one of the things that you will deal with better after you have dealt with your own needs, and wants in a proactive positive way.
Think of it as an attitude adjustment, that requires a different way of thinking to succeed. Instead of trying to get her back, work with her to the benefit of your son, and reject completely any thing to do with her, and you being romantic, or one big happy family. That should keep you focused on your sons needs, and not what you want, or she personally wants. That way you both deal with the responsibility of your child together, without your personal issues to distract, and distress you.
Not easy, but you have to get busy, and do what you got to do. Thats really all you have control over any way. what you do, not what you want to do.
Hey guys, just wanted to fill you all in on how things went today. I took all of the advice given here and used it. We had a great day together. We didn't argue at all, and didn't discuss anything about the relationship. We met up and took our son to Pinchot state park and played with him all day. He had such a great time and was so happy, we all were. And you could tell he was happy about having his mom and dad together with him without any tension what so ever. It was a great day, and it felt like being a family. Before we parted ways tonight, I gave my son hugs and kisses, and he was so worn out, I could tell he would probably be falling asleep on the way home. Her and I gave each other a hug and kiss and thanked each other for the day together.
She called about an hour after I got home to say goodnight. She said Nolan fell right to sleep as soon as they got in the door. She said that he kept saying mommy, daddy, mommy, daddy as he was falling asleep. She said she had a great day, and hopes that we can continue that way as we continue seeing each other.
I think all the advice I was given here was greatly helpful for how things went today. And I will continue putting it to use. I think her and I will just be taking things slow and keeping them light and see where it goes, and it also helps reduce the stress for me to get other things in my life straightened out.
Good one, man.
You did the right thing. Concentrating on your son.
(and you, at the same time.)
We both did, and I think we both learned what's more important by concentrating on him, instead of our own petty arguments. There may be some hope for us yet.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
Take things slow.
Don't confuse the words Mommy & Daddy.
Those are ones meant in terms of him.
Regardless if Mommy & Daddy are together or even on the same page.
Hes your son, that's all you need to be concerned wit.
I used to hear all sorts of thing as my ex was going to sleep.
Actions are what's its all about.
I just think he enjoyed having his mom and dad together with giving him equal attention. The two people who love him the most. I hope, Im not saying it will happen, but I hope her and I can eventually get our problems put to rest so we can give him the family her deserves. She has a daughter, I have two other boys and a daughter. He is pretty much the last chance her and I have to at least give one of our kids a real family, growing up with both of his parents together.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
That's the right attitude.
That's what Ive been saying. Don't let this one slip away.
(your son, of course)
If it it happens that you two can reconcile, then great.
But don't use your son for that. As an excuse to to do so & have that picket fence.
Your issues with her are something different. Son or not.
I know its all connected, but this isn't a redemption to make up for other mistakes. This is about you being a loving father to him regardless of anything.
Yes, I agree. As far as her and I go, just like you said, we will take it slow and just try to get along and see where it leads. And Im a lot more comfortable with that then the way it was.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
After all the advice here, and after today and how things went, I feel a lot more relieved and more motivated and hopeful then I was before.
Good. Happy to hear. Im glad the advice here has helped.
One thing that I wanted to tell you is that my Dad died when I was 7.
And believe me, there's not a day goes by that I don't think about how that has affected me. Im in my 40s.
I never really had the support & love I needed, As a kid or an adult.
Parentally speaking.
Made my share of mistakes and still pay.
I like to think Im pretty well adjusted. Im the kind of person that learns and is voracious about that.
My regrets are my own. But I work hard to be a better person on a daily basis.
I guess my point is to be a Dad.
Do you have kids?Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
I know what you mean about growing up without a father. After my parents split up when I was very young, I didn't have a father around. I had to learn most everything the hard way. If I only had a father there to teach me things, my life my have been different. But, Im glad to learn what I have. I swore I would never disappear from my kids lives, and I haven't. The only reason I stayed with my ex-wife as long as I did was because I wanted them to have what I didn't have, a real family. My ex-wife was not a bad woman, we just were not in love and after so long, she could not handle that any longer, which I understand for her. To me it didn't matter. I really didn't know what love to that degree was, I was more driven to duty. My love was my family. It was not until I met my girlfriend that I fell in love. If we were to get ourselves straightened out again, we could have a family based on duty, but also based on love between a man and a woman. Our other children can share in that love as well.
Nope. Would love to be...
A regret, in many ways & not sure if will ever be.
Been married though. Another wrong decision, Ive made. Great person in so many ways. Not one that could imagine having kids with though. Found that one out later.
After all, that's in the past. We only learn from that, if we choose to do so.
We are human. That's why we are talking here.
I understand what you said at the end. And that's your wish. In order for that to happen. That's got to be her wish.
Like you said, the only reason that you stayed with your ex is to have that "family"
That didn't happen as you wished.
Don't get me wrong. Im all about love.
And for the right reasons.
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