They are usually as confused as you, and looking out for themselves. Especially when it comes to affairs of the heart. That's a lesson to keep in mind in the future, as you may think you know someone, but you never know them that well that you can predict what they will do, but you can look out for yourself, and your own interests, by making sure that person deserves the attention you give them.

Relationship break ups happen all the time as many things can happen to change a partners mind, and feelings, and you just have to cope with them. That's the whole point of learning and growing, as painful as that is for all of us.

The only person who knows is your ex.
And the best thing to do when we can't get any answers,is to let the questions go.

Stay NC and take it one day at the time.

You will get past this,it just takes time.

Good luck.

Threads merged

Hey everyone, my girlfriend broke up with me a little over two months ago. Im a lot better than what I was after it happened. She won't talk to me now for some reason. I would just like to get a better idea what goes through a girls mind after they break up with someone. Do they end up regretting it down the road, think its easier to not talk? Im trying to get a better understanding of what's going on but she won't talk to me. The last time I did I just sent a message saying that I didn't hate her and didn't want her to hate me. I said that Ill always care about her and be there if she needs someone and she never wrote anything back. Can anyone help?

It would be impossible for us to tell you what goes through girls mind after a breakup since everyone is very different.

However, from what I've read about your situation is seems like she definitely isn't regretting her decision since she isn't contacting you whatsoever. She broke up with you, it was probably something she was thinking about doing for awhile before she actually did it.. she was most likely already preparing herself for the breakup in her mind which would have made it a lot easier for her to move on once you two actually broke up. She knows you don't hate her, if she wants to speak to you, she'll contact you.. but by the sounds of it, she's moved on.

She's actually doing you a favor with no contact, it's a lot easier for both parties to move on this way.

Posting another question to bump for different answers will get you merged every time. Might I suggest a more specific question here without starting a new thread.

I have been dumped numerous times for various reasons, and it sucked every single time. It was confusing to say the least, but I learned that accepting it, and making adjustments that kept me busy was the way to go, because in the process of doing my thing, and enjoying it, that break up became further, and further from my mind.

Surprisingly though, I found myself in a position that MY feelings had changed about a female I had been involved with, and decided to end it. Guess what, it sucked just as bad as being dumped. But the solution was the same as being dumped, so yet again, broke off all contact, and went back to doing my own thing, and again, eventually put the confusion behind me. So I guess it's the same thing, that feeling of not knowing what to do next after a life changing event, such as a break up.

Its like going to a funeral, you mourn, realize you can't change a darn thing that's happened, and you move on.

The only answers you get after a break up come through leaving the past, dealing with the present, and working for the future.

So I have a update, I actually sent her a text asking if my golf clubs were at her place because they are pretty expensive. She actually texted me back and said that she would text her mom because she was at work. Then she said that she would look when she get home, and asked if there was anything else. She kind of made it sound y. So I said No and left it at that. About a hour and half later I said there was one more thing and she asked what it was. I said how have things been. She said that things were okay and asked how Ive been and said that I was good and that I was looking at a 4 year college which is what she wanted when we were dating. She said that's great and hope everything works out for me. Then I said I the same for you, look for those clubs when you have time cause I know you have a lot going for you. After that she asked if I hated her and I said that I never have and never will. Then she said that she was sorry things didn't work out between us and that she didn't mean for everything to fall apart like it this. I said that it was a great time and couldn't blame her and that I could see why it ended. Then she says I feel like you've really grown up since everything started; someone will really appreciate everything you have become and still aspire to be. I said back that I hope that someone has at least one characteristic of you and that I really want us to be friends when your ready, like I said Ill always be here for you. Then she says back Thanks tootsie, and that she will look for my stuff when she gets home. She used to call me tootsie when we were dating. Does she sound like she is starting to regret it now? Im not sure what to think of the part where she said that someone will really appreciate me?

Have somebody deliver your golfclubs and make that your closure.

Stop overanalyzing what she said and go back to NC.

Dude, what are you wanting from her? This is why NC is so important because now your wheels are spinning, wondering, and trying to interperate what she said when you should have just concentrated on getting your clubs back and not prying as to how she's been.

Aww, I just read the update.

Well, the reason she won't talk to you as someone have said is maybe she felt confused. I can't speak for her, but for me. When I break up with an ex boyfriend, I wouldn't want to talk to him either. Even if he was a good boyfriend or a bad one. I don't want mix feelings to get in and need some time alone to feel what it was like to be without them.

You can't rush your ex girlfriend to be your friend, because she might not be ready yet. When my ex boyfriend and I broke up, all our friends forced me to become his friend and I got mix messages and felt like we were still dating. We started arguing even more than we did [if hardly ever] compare to when we were dating. It took me over a year and a half to finally let go of my feelings and maybe one day become his friends again.

Time is important and sometimes a girl needs her space! It doesn't mean she hates you, even if she says she does. Sometimes when someone breaks up, they tend to think so badly of the person- even if the person wasn't so bad, because it's the fastest way to recover. They want to see the negatives of the person instead of trying to see all the good things and cling onto those feelings.

Seem to me like she just needs some time before she can talk to you. Different people have different recovering time.

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Originally Posted by Sledsik

So I have a update, I actually sent her a text asking if my golf clubs were at her place because they are pretty expensive.

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Breaking NC, bad. Breaking it to get back your golf clubs... you get to keep your man card... for now.

Lets just hope you don't use more "oh i forgot to get XYZ" excuses. If you left stuff, get it or have someone get it. If you want to talk to her and decide to break NC, own it and don't use gathering o' things as an excuse.

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I said how have things been. She said that things were okay and asked how Ive been and said that I was good and that I was looking at a 4 year college which is what she wanted when we were dating.

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I'm in a b!tchy mood today (wouldve been ten years with ex today) but I hope that you actually want this and didn't say this to please her, because it really sounds like you threw this out there to please her... so...

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Then she says back Thanks tootsie, and that she will look for my stuff when she gets home. She used to call me tootsie when we were dating. Does she sound like she is starting to regret it now? Im not sure what to think of the part where she said that someone will really appreciate me?

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k. well. My ex still calls me "honey" and "babe"... she also called the b@stard she cheated on me with "babe" when she was screwing him and texting him... yeah, meow... I know... so... it's a term of affection and its no surprise that she used it, since it wasn't a complete nuclear meltdown and there seems to be some civility, despite the tension and awkwardness.

So... you back off hard and she seems to think this is progress. Well, yeah... it is progress whether she sees it or not... but stop looking for her validation to make NC worth it... it a little twisted when you wonder if NC is good because it might get her back.

You do NC for you. If a healthy you gets her back, well, that might be OK... or not. If she's not healthy for you then no. but you don't listen to her compliments and ride them too far. Until you believe yourself that you are doing better or that you are making the right changes, you really are still at the whim of some other persons opinion.

Just, uh, well, my opinion.

I hate it when guys break NC. Just when they start making sense, they go back to talking crazy again. Oh well, back to the drawing board.

Get your clubs, and start over.

Okay, how am I talking crazy now. All I did was ask a question. Im not crying my head off or anything and its not bugging me so much that I can't sleep. I have recovered a lot I think, Ive been talking to other girls. Have a date lined up this weekend. I hardly think about her like I used to.

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Does she sound like she is starting to regret it now? Im not sure what to think of the part where she said that someone will really appreciate me?

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I rest my case, as trying to figure out what she means by two sentences, is crazy talk to me. Of course you can't see that now, but would you like to take a vote, or something? And don't get defensive, just trying to point out what you can't see. We all are.

So how can you tell when your really over someone?

You won't care one way or another what she is talking about.

You probably won't be asking anymore.

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Originally Posted by Sledsik

So how can you tell when your really over someone?

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When you see them with another person and you're not jealous, lol.

Ok so this is getting ridiculous. She said that she would look for my stuff two nights ago when she got off work because I said it would be nice to have my stuff by today. She hasn't said anything, and I asked her today if she had any luck finding my stuff, she won't answer me. What is going on?

What's going on is that you keep breaking NC and she is playing mindgames with you because you let her.

You are back to overthinking her actions-confusing yourself and wondering why on earth
'She doesn't get back to you'.

Me, I would forget the golfclubs and go back to NC and stick to it.

Seriously man, stick to the NC, I'm going through the same thing. NC is the best thing for it, if you don't think you can do it, just take it a week at a time, don't contact her for a week, or if you really need to text her then say you'll do it at the weekend, and then at the weekend you'll hopefully feel differently. I did that and its worked for me, but its still hard. It always is.
And why don't you treat yourself to some new golf clubs? You've gone through a break up, get some retail therapy!

Well she called me today. We both talked about how everything fell apart between us. We both said that we wanted to be friends and talk to each other and eventually hang out. I don't know what to do. I don't think I am over her so its probably not a good idea. Is it possible for people that have had history to do this. It would be nice to see her again, I just don't know what to do right now. After having that conversation, I can't stop thinking about it. Why is everything so hard?

Because you are still talking to her.

Dude, do NOT hang out with her. Do you honestly think you could hang out with her without the akward feeling of not being able to kiss/hug her anymore? Or show affection... leaving away from her without saying I love you... or hear her talking about other guys? Why put yourself through any of that. I just broke up with my girlfriend last weekend and it's been messing with me emotionally more than her, I want to see her very badly... however, after I get my stuff from her I don't plan on seeing her again. There was to many emotions involved in our relationship and there's no way in my mind that I believe we could honestly be "friends"... far to weird...

With how long you've held on and thought about her, its blatantly obvious your not over her... hanging around with her will set you back to the point you were at when it all went down... think about that

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Originally Posted by Sledsik

I guess I just feel like this feeling is never going to end, I dont know how to shut it off yet I want to so bad.

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You will never shut it off completely. You have a history with this woman so she will appear in random thoughts throughout your life. I will tell you that, with time, these thoughts become less and less frequent.

I think about my ex every day but once you get that thought of them, you have to learn how to "change the channel" Its difficult at first but it gets easier. That is why NC and keeping yourself occupied is the best medicine.

I find that when I am alone in the car or just not doing anything I think of her. That's when I tell myself to change the channel and get busy.

I know its hard to realise, but it seems the only reason you're tempted to hang out with her is that you hope she'll start to fall in love with you all over again. She and you broke up for a reason, and trying to persuade her to take you back would involve you changing something about yourself - the very thing/things that made her realise things weren't meant to be between you. If you do that then you'd have to act like someone else for the rest of your life, don't you want to be with someone who loves you for you? Not for what you've changed into?
I say keep the NC, and send a friend round for the golfclubs, then go on a golfing holiday somewhere sunny. It'll take your mind off things. Other people were right, change the channel... to the sports channel! Or anything that will take your mind off someone who is causing you nothing but pain.

I know, I just liked a lot of things about her and am afraid that I won't find some of those things. Its hard after you have been with someone like that because I don't think there could be anyone out there like her. :-(

What you're feeling is normal, you feel like you've messed up your whole life because you're not with the person you're supposed to be with. Everyone feels like that, its looking back on the relationship and only seeing the good things. You think you'll be so happy if only you just got back together. I've felt the same thing so know that you're not alone in this.
There might not be anyone like her, everyone is different, but you can find someone just as good for you, believe me. Its not like you're going to be forced to be with someone who you don't actually like, you'll find someone funny and hot and all that stuff you thought you'd never find before.
The best way to get through this is NC and time. There's no quick fix, its not going to be like someone says something and you go: "of course!" and everything will be better. But we are all here to support you through this tough time, using our own knowledge and experience.
You haven't ruined your life, because at the end of the day, you weren't meant to be with her, despite what it seems at the moment. This too will pass.
I've said this before on another thread, but I'll say it again. Someone is out there for you, she's hot, funny, kind and meant to be with you; and she's coming to you as fast as she can.

Just thought I would give everyone a update. I was making up a birthday card for my ex last week which was drawing of what she said she wanted on her birthday when we were still together. It took me a couple of days and at the bottom of the card I wrote Happy Birthday then under that I wrote Always, me. I don't know what it was but something hit me right then and there. I think I realized, wow I have no respect for myself. Would she do something like this for me, hell no, she doesn't deserve this. Every time I think of her I revert back to that card and realize bit by bit, I am so much better than her and did way more for her than she did for me in the relationship and actually feel better about myself. Sure some of it still hurts but now I realize how much more I did for her and than she did and it evens out. I'm not even going to tell her Happy Birthday on FB, besides why should she care if I told her Happy Birthday or not. Right?

Anyway I have been noticing this girl that has been walking through the halls at the college I go to and really want to go talk to her but I'm just trying to think of how to go upon doing this because I don't normally do that so Im kind of stuck right now. Something about her really catches my attention for some reason, I haven't felt that way about any other girl that I have walked by so I wonder if that's saying something.

Stay NC.
No cards or FB.

Another girl isn't going to get you over your last one.

After all, you are still thinking about her.

Heal first.

I think that pause, when you stopped and thought "would she do anything like this for me" is an important step.

I have to do it all the time.

I have a child with my ex, so NC is not an option. We have a good enough relationship as long as we keep our distance... structure time around each other to be about the son... not each other.

But I still find myself drawn to doing the things I would normally do for her... little things that I always thought would make a difference. Sometimes ill do it... but more often than not anymore, ill catch myself if I can't say that whatever it is, shed return the gesture in kind.

The "what is my motive here and what is an acceptable response" question is a good grounding point.

NC helps people because it takes the guesswork out of this noise.

So... I think that moment of "wait a minute" is a good one to experience, and it's a good question to carry with you while you are getting through this noise.

Would she be doing the same or similar for you?

And if so, why?

This hasn't completely stopped me from still doing nice or kind things... I am who I am and I'm not going to completely be a jerk... but it sure does seem to filter out a lot of the effort I might be pushing her way.

Ya know, sledsik,

I sent my ex's Birthday card with loving words a couple of days before she dumped me.

Felt awful about it. And when that day rolled around, I wasn't feeling too good about being excluded in her special day.

The reality was I didn't matter.

And KP is right. Some people don't have the luxury going NC, when you have kids.

But for me, it was THE only way. Removed the drama, so I could move on without her being the focus.

To be strong, focused on myself & the good things.
The only reminders of her that were good, were the ones that I could use to heal & move on.

You already have 3 months under your belt. Keep it up.

The only thing that matters is you and the good people in your life.

I think you've definitely turned a corner there. She wouldn't do the same for you would she? You're being honest with yourself and that's the best thing right now. All of us have suffered from being deluded that our ex's will come back to us, and it delays our recovery. Everyone works to their own pace to turn the corner, but it looks like you've started to with your last post. Good for you.

Hey everyone I just have a quick question that I can't seem to figure out and I was hoping I could get some answers to. Why is that when you get the mind set that you don't want to get back together with your ex that you still think about her and miss her at points. Am I fooling myself sort of with saying that I don't want her back or what. I just can't seem to get ahold of this. There are periods like a couple hours where I don't think about her and its great and then there's small bits where I do think about her. Its been a little over three months since it happened, anyone have a idea on what's up?

Its normal to miss someone we spent time with and who we loved and cared about.

Your feelings are part of the healing process.

Keep busy,keep moving on and these feelings will fade with time.

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Originally Posted by Sledsik

Hey everyone I just have a quick question that I can't seem to figure out and I was hoping I could get some answers to. Why is that when you get the mind set that you dont want to get back together with your ex that you still think about her and miss her at points. Am I fooling myself sort of with saying that I dont want her back or what. I just can't seem to get ahold of this. There are periods of time like a couple hours where I dont think about her and its great and then theres small bits where I do think about her. Its been a lil over three months since it happened, anyone have a idea on whats up?

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It's like a roller coaster ride. It's up and down and crazy swing. Sometime you will have happy moment and other time you will missed her a lot. It's not something you can control but over time it will get easier. Just hang in there. Try to keep yourself busy and not sit and think about it. One day you'll wake up and wonder what the heck I am feeling sad for anyway.

I have been going through the same feelings as you have. In the end only no contact and time will make you feel better. My ex now all of a sudden unblocked me on Facebook, that bothered me again for a couple of days, but I am almost cured I can feel. Just hang in there.

The only thing I do not understand... why Nature/Biology/God or whatever programmed us to have those feelings? That urge of contacting your ex, to hang on? There must be a reason for it, evolutionwise?

You know, I ask myself this question from time to time but I tell myself it isn't worth analyzing or losing sleep over.

You still think about things that happened during childhood, don't you? Why? Because they are memories. Over time those memories fade (they never go away) as you go through new experiences. That is just how the brain is programmed.

Sometimes we are just not meant to know the answer to some things and that is when acceptance sets in.

Accept that it is normal to have those feelings and eventually you will learn to move them to the back of your mind.

Yes, but now we have cellphones, emails, SMS, Facebook etc. etc. to keep reminding us forever and ever, haha.

Only if you choose to let those reminders be constant.

I personally changed my number, deleted my entire Facebook account, and shoved all her stuff in a closet (she left some personal stuff behind, and I know one day she will need it)

I did save all of the pictures we took together but they are on a hard drive in the closet as well and I haven't looked at them in 4 months. Maybe I will open them up in ten years from now but not anytime soon.

I chucked everything in the dumpster.