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It's over. She is done and wants to move on.Quote:
She resisted and just kept telling me it was too late, it was over, yada yada and she cried the whole time.
When a girl does this she is emotionally, psychologically, and physically exhausted - she is done.
You must move on or you'll drive yourself crazy.
And, she is def pretty mad at me. Not like I cheated mad but more disappointed in me mad. Disappointed that it took her walking away for me to realize what I was not doing (committing).
This is the "help" desk right? I mean really. You don't think I should even try? I should just lay down and quit? I promise you that if you all are right I will come back and say it. BUT I find it hard to believe that the answer to every single question on here is just to go NC and move on.
And she told me I just quit at things. When something gets tough I just turn around and walk away. I'm NOT doing that now
Your story echoes many others here.
The advice we give is based on experience,personal and through time spent on this board.
It's up to you what you do,obviously,but there is nothing here that tells me that your constantly getting in touch with and trying to persuade your ex to come back will result in anything but driving her much further away.
Read some similar threads and see how they have gone down.
If you look back at the responses in this post, you'll find many different answers.Quote:
Originally Posted by MLB33
My original advice was to take her away from it all for a weekend. I was under the assumption (my own misunderstanding) that you were having problems in your relationship - I offered you advice on how to show your girlfriend that she was still wanted.
Over the course of the posting, I grew rather annoyed with your constant barrage of questions and looked closer at the situation (what I should have done in the beginning). I advised you to tell her what you felt and leave it in her hands.
You did that. She said no. You need to leave it in her hands.
I don't think you understand that when a girl says NO she means no. Not "chase me and make me love you"... you can't do that. The only thing that your continual chasing will do will make her uncomfortable, scared, and ultimately, she could go to the police, take out a restraining order, and legally ban you from her life... I know. I had to do it.
No, not every answer is to not contact her. I try and find every possible answer other than NC, because frankly, I don't like the concept. But I've had to live it.
You need to take a good, hard look at what you're doing to her, the woman you say that you love. You are making her emotionally distraught. That's not love, that's selfishness.
You don't have anything to say if its not "leave her alone and give up?"
Ok thank you historic. I didn't mean to annoy you with my questions sorry. Won't ask another one.
I will say this though, I understand what you 2 are saying. BUT, in this situation she was wanting me to committ to her and marry her. This isn't just a regular I loved you and now I don't sorry.
You're hurting and you feel as though your heart is being ripped in two. That's where all these questions and desperation are coming from... a true, honest, affection for this girl.
But you've got to realize that she is not seeing that side of it. She is seeing the persistent, "I'll make you love me", scary side.
You poured out your heart to her. That's all that you can do. Any more would be considered stalking.
Please don't go down that road. We've seen it on her way too many times and some of us have been on the receiving end of it. It's not fun.
When my ex was doing the things that you're doing, I couldn't sleep at night for fear that he would call. Whenever my phone would ring, I'd get this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, even if it wasn't him. I would be afraid to check text messages because I thought they were from him. Whenever I'd go out at night, I'd run from my locked house, get in my car, and lock the door right away for fear that he'd be there and try to talk to me.
You're not at this point yet. I know you're not. You're just hurting so bad that you want to show her you have changed. But, it can get to this point very easily. My ex truly did love me, I know that. All he was doing was out of love that turned into a scary obsession. His love wasn't a regular "i loved you and now I don't, sorry" kind of love either.
Please don't get there. We're only trying to help.
Im not going there. The only advantage that I have is that I know her and that mutual friend I talked about is very close with her. I know she needs time, and Im not trying to rush things back to how they were but giving her time is what got me in this mess in the first place. Talking to her friend after I left last night... she said that she is so mad at me for not realizing this earlier, she told our friend that she "doesnt know whats going to happen" but I know she is really confused right now, has all kinds of things going on in her life and doesn't need this added pressure. And she has built this huge freakin wall!! I mean when I talked to her and looked into her eyes you could just tell. She is trying to convince herself that she's dong the right thing. I know she's not. I know I know, everybody prob says that and I could be wrong, but I don't think I am. The bottom line is, that she has to realize what she wants or doesn't want and that takes time and she has to miss me yes you're right BUT she expects me to quit. She expects me to say the hell with it when it gets hard and I won't do it!! I don't usually fight for things but I have to fight for this. I don't want to sound crazy but I was counting on her to be there. In my mind I was, I never came out and told her that and so she didn't know. What a moron!
It's your choice if you want to wait for her.
I still think that you need to give her space, but if you choose to wait, then that's your decision.
We all hope for fairytale endings; I hope that you get yours.
Sorry wow got a little carried away in the last post. I just wanted to know if you can possibly just pretend that Im right, don't know that I am but pretend... better yet. What would you do in my situation? Please GOD just don't give me the standard NC answer
I would do what you've done. I would go, talk to her, tell her your heart, tell her you'll be waiting, and then do it.
I would leave it up to her. I would not expect that I could push my will upon someone else. That's all about being human - having free will.
You did that. You said your peace. Now, you wait.
There is nothing else that you can do.
That's my opinion.
Ok thanks. There's no way I want to trick her into coming back and trying. As bad as this is going to sound I don't want her to that. I want all of her and to know that she needs me just as much as I need her. I guess the hard part is that "waiting" feels like I'm just sitting and watching the world go by. I know what you mean and I def def don't want to push her away. I just really want her to know Im not quitting. She is thinking right now that even if I say Im not, I still will in 2weeks but that's not this case. This is too big to quit on. How do I not quit, and show her Im not quitting, without driving her crazy
Dude, this is my opinion, and like everyone else on here, we speak from our own experience and individual situations. Im not going to tell you what to do because you are an adult and will ultimately do what ever you want but just hear me out...
The fact is, this girl told you she doesn't love you and that its over and its too late. You are not alone in this situation and believe me, I feel your pain because I was in your situation just 4 months ago.
When its too late, its too late my friend. Women don't just say that.
My ex did the whole needing space thing and called me a short time after and said she didn't think we should be together. I could not accept that. I begged, called, texted, sent her flowers... all that stuff. It got me nowhere, she had already made up her mind and there was nothing I could do. She too wanted commitment and although I was making plans to start a family and get married, she didn't want to wait.
You told her how you feel, she knows now. She rejected it saying its too late. If you chose to wait around for this girl, God help you because you are in for a devastating blow to the heart. I KNOW IVE BEEN THERE!!
Sounds like your situation is really really close to mine. I just don't understand how you can go from (looking from the girls side) loving soembody so much and wanting to make them your life to not wanting to try. I took me 2 f'n years to figure this out, I know Im stupid. I wasn't ignoring her I just wasn't paying attention to the signs.
She always was the one to depend on somebody or need somebody to be there and I was the total opposite. Ive been raised with single parents and they taught me to stand on my own 2 feet and depend on myself and if I want something done I need to be the one to make sure that happens. She told me last night that I taught her that over these last years (and that's not all bad) but she says she can stand on her own 2 feet now and doesn't think she needs anyone. I told her there were many faults in believing that way because that's another one of the reasons that we are where we are right now
And Im not sending flowers, texting or callling or anything, just fyi
Way to sweep a girl off her feet!! Of course not...Quote:
Originally Posted by MLB33
That's more like it, you can't force her to be with you, it has to happen natrally.Quote:
Originally Posted by MLB33
Helplessness is definitely a painful feeling, but you will get passed it with time.Quote:
Originally Posted by MLB33
It's not about pushing away or quitting. The bottom line is that you already told her how you feel, but she doesn't feel the same way as you. You can't force her to change her emotions. Do you really expect to sit around for the next 20 years proving to her that you're not a quitter and that you're still waiting for her?Quote:
Originally Posted by MLB33
Again, proving this to her won't make a different, because she doesn't feel the same way about you anymore. This is also called, "false hope". You're hoping that one day, she will fall for you again.Quote:
Originally Posted by MLB33
I ask, how long do you plan to put your life on hold for her while she moves on?
You mentioned in an earlier post that this is a "help desk". You are correct, we are here to help the OP, which is you. You're the one who is suffering. So we're trying to help you recover from this break up.
Seems like you prefer to suffer by sitting by the phone waiting for her to call. If that's the case, then you don't need our help to contribute in your suffering. But when you ready to heal from the break, know that the NC rules are a helpful tool. Please see my signature for all NC related threads.
Hard to argue with that... :/ Im not going to wait around for 20 years, I even know I can't do that. I just meant that when something's not easy I throw my hands up and move on. Always been that way, with sports and just everything.
But for now, do you think just leaving her alone is the best thingt to do? I mean, you are 100% right, if its not in her, its not in her, BUT if it is, she just has to realize it huh?
Im digging, I know I am
People miss what's not there, and want what they can't have.
You don't fit in either case. Yes, leaving her alone is exactly the thing to do.
When a relationship breaks down, and one party is no longer willing to stay in it, it is over.
This came as a great surprise to you when it happened, because you didn't see it coming. You did the best you could, and nobody is questioning your love for this woman.
She likely had thoughts of ending the breakup long before you realized it.
There is no other choice for you but to move on. To have this fierce need to prove to her that she's wrong in her thinking, and that you can prove to her that you can make up for all that was wrong in the past, just isn't going to happen.
Please leave her alone, give up on this pursuit, and accept that the end has come to this relationship.
That is the only way you will be able to move on with your life.
That something I believe to be true. By your own words it took you a while to "get it", and when you did, it was to late.Quote:
Quote by Jake2008
She likely had thoughts of ending the breakup long before you realized it.
Like missing a bus, you have few options but to wait for the next one.
Yes, you are all right. I went over there last night because she asked me to bring the last of her stuff and we talked, like civil human beings, same story though. It just all took me by surprise. (Im just talking now not asking for answers) I mean, I knew she was being different over the last several months, I noticed. She says that I should have stood up and said something to her. BUT, I mean, just try to put yourself in my shoes, if your g/f has a ton of stuff going on, I mean all day every day, work, going back for second masters, school, work outs, you know she's a busy girl. So, me seeing that I just kind of backed off a little. Not in a cold way at all, I just didn't want to get in the way so to speak. I just find it hard to believe that she can't understand where Im coming from. I never once have asked to get back together, just fyi. When we were talking she said she gave me numerous chances, but hell, I never knew I was getting 2nd chances you know? That's the part that doesn't make sense to me. I never knowingly ignored her "hints" (as she calls them). Adding to that, I would imagine if she wanted it bad enough she would have reached a little more for my help...
Just somebody tell me that you understand what Im saying please
This just doesn't make sense to me. And... it probably won't haha, but I don't know, but I'm pretty positive that its not another guy. If it was, I think she would tell and that would make a hell of a lot more sense to me.
She even looked different last night. She wasn't mean or anything but her voice just sounds like she is going to stick to her guns and let this go and that's her final answer. Her eyes don't look the same. She's not mean, she's just... cold. Not the same girl at all right now.
I mean, we are talking about a girl that was wanting to marry for 3 months ago. Like dying to marry me and I wasn't just trying to slow her down a little. Not for any reason but I just wanted to make sure it was right. Guess it wasn't huh...
She's done. You need to resolve yourself to the fact.Quote:
Originally Posted by MLB33
I'm sorry, but that's the way I see it.
I think one of the reasons your confused is because you have bought into the idea that this was all your fault, and none of hers. That's hardly ever true, as the way I see it, she is as responsible for the failure of this relationship, as you are.
In fact if you really look at it, despite the initial attraction that got you started, and the emotional attachment that formed after, you were in the long run, incompatible for whatever reason, so essentially, there is no fault, it just didn't work well that long. It happens all the time, and probably will happen again, but we as humans will try again any way.
That's just the way we are. We are always looking for reason to explain why things happen the way they do, and the simple answer is, they just do. We also learn to let go, be happy, until the next adventure, interest, problem, or whatever comes to distract us from the fact that life just is.
You will be okay in time, and wonder what the big deal was with this female once the next one appears. Of course you can't see that right now, because your still fresh from the dust of the last one. But you will be.
We all go through those changes, matter of fact, its one thing after another, and the good news is, its going to happen whether you can see it coming or not, or whether your ready or not (or is that the bad news? ).
You'll see.
UPDATE: Ok first, please just don't give me the standard answer and say move on. I know I prob need to. My ex of one week called Friday night and we talked for about 30 min. It was a good conversation and she said the reason that I was confused was because she was confused. Great answer huh. She told me thanks for giving her the space she ask for and that she would call me this week sometime, if she could wait that long. Ok so, I broke and sent her a text last night, just saying hope you had a good weekend. We sent 4 or 5 text back and forth and she said she hoped that I had a better week this week. I don't ask if she just wanted me to be over her and she said "right now.....yes." Right now? I know I told her I would be here for her and I will but what the hell kind of answer is that? Again, she did tell me she needed some space to figure some things out so I don't know. Can anybody make anything of that?
Also, if she does call back, am I suppose to be busy, sad, excited, or what to her?
Thanks
I have to say your waiting for her to make a decision, and go back to the good times. That's the problem, as your not accepting her feelings have changed, and she is confused about what to do about it. If you weren't so caught up in false hope you would see she is only buying time and putting off the inevitable. She is weaning herself off you slowly so she doesn't suffer.
For your part, your letting her do things her way and not reading the handwriting on the wall, and the obvious, and making your own decision to do what's best for you, and move on.
Sorry guy, your continued reluctance to face the facts and move on, will keep you confused and miserable.
Let me know when your ready to heal properly and are ready to accept the standard answer is your solution.
Ok, try to make this brief. Obviously a lot, if not all, of the questions on here about NC are hoping that somebody is going to say "yeah go ahead and call her." That is not the case and I understand why... BUT, being a guy that is on a "break" by request from his ex girlfriend, for a week and a half now, I just don't understand why you should NEVER text or call back an ex if they initiate the conversation?
I do understand that if could set you back, but what if they are reaching out and then when they get ignored, they are thinking "well I guess I really screwed this one up."
I know I know, if they want to make it work bad enough, they will keep trying, but if they are reading stuff like we are, then I can just see an answer on here that says "you made the decision to take the break, now hes gone, so go NC and just move on." That wouldn't be the case at all.
This is a possibiltiy for some of us. I don't know know, but I"m almost positive that she will try to contact me at some point and I dont want it to be misinterpreted and I want to be prepared for it. I dont at all mean, I would send back 4 texts saying how much I love and miss her but you know what I mean. Why completely ignore it? Im just looking for a discussion here and now a quick answer like "because its now about you and you don't need to step backwards."
Thanks
If you want to move on with your life and never get involved with the EX again… then Hardcore No Contact is the medicine you need. Taken daily for a series of several months and you'll be feeling better in no time.
However, you're exactly right about your assumptions and this shows a bit of thought and maturity rarely seen here. Ultimately if you want to get back together you will need to reestablish contact with the EX. With contact comes excitement, fear, sadness, joy, and a host of other emotions. For most people this is where the problem lies. They lose it... You cannot read into their, the EX's, contact. Take it for face value or the spoken word. You cannot compromise yourself or your values, e.g. friends with benefits. Don't wait around on empty promises. Don't try to be their friend thinking you'll get back together when it's destroying you emotionally and mentally. No begging, no pleading. Keep your dignity and pride in check.
So yeah… when an EX has reached out to me in the past I've talked. You can too, but you must be able to remain unemotional and rational. THINK before you act or commit. Expect nothing and be prepared to walk away if the contact does not meet your needs.
Good post by the way.
If you are in a state of shock, and so hurt by a break, or break up, lets be real, what kind of decisions are you going to make? From the heart, and your hurt, and disappointed feelings of course. Your trying to heal yourself with the hope of going back to be happy with the one who no longer has the same feelings you have. (fact)
When your talking to someone trying to keep them in your life, what are you going to hear? Your hurt feelings, that latch on to any glimmer of hope, and usually end up being happy with crumbs. (false hope)
Until you have dealt with your feelings, and can glean facts, from feelings, you stay with NC no matter what, because that's how you get back to the reality of what your faced with. It takes time to make the right adjustments that personal disasters bring, and that's what NC is about, making time to recover from the shock of personal disasters.
A broken heart seldom sees the facts, and facts are what you must face, to make good decisions for yourself. Most people after a period of NC, never want to go back, just because the see better options and opportunities going forward. Wonder why?
Good question by the way.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and put some thought into your answer. I don't at all mean to knock anybody in here because I know everybody is hurting and everyone just wants to help, but I just don't like the "robot" answer of just go NC. Even if it's the right one.
In my situation, my ex has a TON of stress on her right now and there's so much more to it than I could ever type. Im sure that everybody says that and I know to you it probably sounds like Im trying to justify her actions. (We are both 27, just fyi). But, if she comes around, I have been praying so much about it, and just that Gods will, will be done, but then I go on and try to tell God what his will for me is haha. Seriously though, Im trying not to pray selfishly, but I, among a lot of others in here, just really love this girl and want the best for her... I would be lying if I said that I didn't want it to be me.
You are right though... I think the problem lies, where we get so emotional and our response to her initiating contact, turns into, I love you's and why's and so on, but if we keep our emotions in check (which is so much easier to do while I'm typing this than in the situation) I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing at all. No expectations.
Steps:
1) You are in a relationship.
2) Person B asks person A (i.e. you) for a break.
3) Person A let's person B how he/she feels before going on a break.
4) Give time and space.
5) During which time, person A has options:
a) Wait it out and see what happens. There's always a chance for the other person to come back, but you will need to fix the problems that made you go on a break in the first place, otherwise the relationship will end anyway.When someone asks for a break, it means they've given up working on the relationship with the other person. Asking for a break also means that you're ready to loose the other person. Whether the other person comes back to you or not, these two factors will always be in the history books (giving up and prepared to loose the other person).
b) Contact them:
i) If person B doesn't respond:c) No waiting. Quit putting your life on hold and move on.
A) Want more timeii) If they wanted you back, they would take the initiative to contact you anyway. Why would they need you to do it? You already told them how you feel. Therefore, no point to contact them.
B) No longer interested and asking for time and space was just an excuse to let them down easy.
Tal - completely agree with you here. Don't take my questions as objections. Just trying to see from another angle that's all. Again, I do agree with you and understand what you are saying
I've got to add one more thing and that is that sadly the majority of folks that come here for advice and help don't really care about anything other than the way they feel.
How could X do this to ME?
I'M so hurt!
X is so mean to ME?
How could they just up and leave ME alone?
Did they ever love ME?
How can I get them back?
How do I make them love ME?
My point is you need to step back and look at the relationship from their, your EX's, perspective too. It's not just about you. Unfortunately most can not or will not. Too focused on themselves and their pain.
I might suggest that prior to that contact from your EX coming, if it comes at all, you need to think long and hard about what went wrong. Make a list of both your faults and their faults. What are you going to need to change to make it work? Can you change? What faults do they have that you can not live with? Seriously… you need to think about these things.
Now here's the caveat. Don't go blather this out when you're trying to reconnect. Slow steady moves, nothing too serious, nothing too fast… at first. But should fate have it to bring you back together, i.e. you both agree to 'try again', I would strongly suggest you have a discussion about what went wrong and what needs to change to make it work.
Communication buddy… too much or too little can and will kill a relationship.
I wish - Agree with you as well. BUT, I did put all my feelings out therefor her, cried a little when talking to her at first, she was willing to listen, didn't object. Not going to lie, I did send a text like 2 days later (which was around 6 or so days ago) and she text back. We sent a few back and forth and she said she "wasnt ready to talk yet." So I then proceeded to tell her these exact words... "You know exactly how I feel, the ball is now completely in your court. I'll be here if you need me." And I left it at that. I know without a doubt that she does know how I feel and she knows is her move to make if she so chooses. Some will say I shouldn't have told her I was here if she needed me but the truth is that I will be, and I do NOT want to manipulate her in any way and try and make her miss me blah blah. I want her if she knows that she needs me.
I know that taking a break is 99% of the time a break up. But, maybe Im just not facing the facts right now, but I do know she's going through tough times and I truly thinks she just wants to breath a little and figure things out. I hope that Im a part of the future... yes, very much so! Im not pushing the issue though. However, I don't KNOW that this is a break up yet, and I really do love her so Im willing to wait a while (cant define "while" right this minute) and see what happens with us.
Yes it will, and communication killed ours. The lack of communication! If you have time, I understand if you don't, but will you read my previous posts called "a different kind of space" It explains a lot
Bottom line, she knows how you feel.
If she wanted to repair the relationship, she will find you.
If she doesn't, then accept her silence as her wanting to give up. In which case, you proceed to moving on with your life.
You might ask "how long" do you wait? You wait as long as you want (you don't wait for her on her terms), but just because you are waiting, there's no guarantee she will come to you. You decide when it's time to give up.
OK... so now do as she asks. Leave her alone. Completely alone. Wait and see if she contacts you and remember to keep your wits intact.Quote:
Originally Posted by MLB33
I wish - I know! I get it, I know you guys say this stuff over and over to people and yes Im hurt and yes I want her back but I want it to work! I don't just want to go through the motions. So, I do understand what you are saying, read my post above, I know it's a waiting game now. And I also know that its completely up to me how long I want to "wait."
Ima - That's all I can do and sadly, I realize that. So, my feelings are out there for her and at least this way, I'll know if she wants it or not. I will do the very best that I can do keep everything in check. Im also trying to better myself as well, not trying to just sit starring at the wall hoping she will call... although I do hope she will :) Thanks everybody for your input! I'll keep you posted
Hang in there. Let us know how it all works out. K.
Ok, well its Friday now and after she said she would call me this week that has yet to happen. Yeah I know big shock huh. Anyway, I'm really struggling with what to do here. Just hear me out before you jump to conclusions. One of the reasons we are having a "break" is because she never thought I was the type to get married. My parents are divorced and my step mom left my Dad for absolutely no reason for about 6 months, but did come back. She thinks that I can't trust anybody with my heart. And... can't say that I blame her for thinking that about me because its how Ive felt my whole life. But long story short, I do want to marry her and its kind of nice to know somebody is going to be there for you no matter what... or so I thought until this happened.
Also, she says that I quit or give up on everything when it gets hard. I do. I do something, whether its sports or whatever, until I feel like I can do it and then when it gets hard I quit. I played college golf and I always shot around par. It was hard as hell to get that number into the 60's and it took a lot of extra work and it was very frustrating. I didn't quit the team, my scholorship was on the line, but I didn't push myself I just kind of settled for that even par round.
So... I said all that to say. Its been a week, and knowing she thinks that stuff, do you think I should send her a card or something. Not an email or a text because I don't want her to feel pressured to respond. But just a little something so she knows Im thinking about her. I said she was under tremendous stress, so maybe an encouraging card and just write something like "hope you are working everything out" or "hope all is well" hell I don't know just something little. Maybe Im just trying to justify contacting her but what do you think?
Yes or No? The LAST thing I want to do is push her away!! But the next to last thing I want to do is for her to think I just quit.
Thanks
Don't send her anything.
As has been stated before,she knows how you feel-she's not getting in touch, there's the writing on the wall, accept it.
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