Try the truth, you screwed up, and put yourself in a bind, and need his help to get out of it.
Shouldn't he be as willing to help you in your time of need, as you were??
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Try the truth, you screwed up, and put yourself in a bind, and need his help to get out of it.
Shouldn't he be as willing to help you in your time of need, as you were??
I think this is a prime example of a future poster with future issues.
I just don't get it its your boyfriend,your living together the minute I found out he got it from another guy or is doing better I would have said "oh hey i need some money now" simple what's the BIG SENSITIVE issue stuff about?
You offered help when he was in need.
That's good.
You offered it prematurely without knowing your financial situation. Not good. It happens. Been there, done that... and worse.
You are worried about talking to him about your needing the money back... again, not so good...
If you cannot talk about money and needs... well... this relationship is short term anyway. And I'm not blaming you.
Don't fall into the trap of blaming yourself for "creating" this problem... sure... itd be better to not lend money you cannot afford to lend.
At the same time, your instincts were to try to help out a loved one in need.
So... I honestly think that the right thing to do is simply to tell the truth and be up front.
Avoiding conflict doesn't preserve any relationship. Relationships have conflicts, problems, issues, blah blah blah.
The trick is can you work through them together in a productive way?
Be up front and honest about your needs. Let him be a little cranky about it... it will likely shake him some to think things are covered and then not... but he doesn't get a free pass.
He should show as much concern about your financial needs as you did about his.
Otherwise he is just arrogant and stingy... but you already said that. ;)
Explain the situation to him, and ask if he could help you out.
Also, apologize for lending/giving money that shouldn't have without checking first.
You live together, so that means that you have that level of trust, right? I'm sure he'll understand.
If you are living together then I assume you split or pay part of certain bills??
But you need to work together and get a budget,
But you tell him that you need help with this or that and ask him to do the return as you did
The more I read the comments of the others, the more amazed I am of how fragile your relationship.
You did not hesitate to lend him money, yet you fear to ask him to borrow money. How does that work?
Okay this isn't a typical relationship question. But here's my dilemna :
I am in grad school taking on a subject I did not study in undergrad, because
I changed fields. So basically I have changed schools, didn't pass in a couple, etc. It's a mess; but now I am moving on the right track. My expected graduation date is in May. The problem is that my family(especially my mother) is expecting me to graduate in December. I originally thought it was going to be dec. but because of circumstances it is going to be may. The thing is I was technically supposed to graduate last may so my mother is really counting on me to finish in dec. The issue is that I also sing with a choir and we are going to Europe and I do not have enough money for the plane ticket. She told me before that if we went, that she would help me pay for it. We are supposed to leave in December ,and I am afraid that she is going to ask about my graduation date. I don't have anyone else that I can ask for the money, and I really would like to go. This is an opportunity that doesn't come around often. I just am afraid of how dissapointed my mother will be, and I am not sure she will give me the money if she finds out; which will be a double dissapointment for me...
So if someone could give me advice on this it would be appreciated... Thanks
Kia, be honest with your Mom. It sounds to me like you have your head together, and eveyrthing for you is going in the right direction. Be proud of yourself, whether is
It's December or May. You came so far. Talk to your Mom, and tell her how you feel.. Good luck
Never lie to your mother!! Whether you get what you want, or not!!
Moms are always happy to hear the truth from their child. Even if its not what they want to hear. It lets them know they did a good job in raising you. Thank her for being the kind of understanding parent you can tell anything to. If in fact this is the case.
The sooner you talk to her the better. Please don't wait until the last minute because she will feel that you deceived her all this time. Tell her what your plans are so that she knows exactly what's going on.
Okay so I'm in this weird place. I love my boyfriend... but I don't necessarily like him half of the time. I do however have those feelings of jealousy and mistrust; but I try to keep them at bay because I don't feel like starting more arguments, basically over how I feel. I
Ve told him many times that I don't like when he comes home & barely talks, or when he's at work and he tells me he will call me back and then doesn't. We don't do much together except lie around the house, and we are usually in different rooms watching TV. We have good sex, however which probably contributes to my feelings. Its just that... I don't know...
I just get these feelings,and I am a little upset that I feel this way, and we barely do anything together, and I have to constantly mention us having good conversations together, and spending "quality time" I guess you can call it. Plus, he works 2 jobs and he essentially has to lie to work them both because he has to attend meetings and see clients for both companies. Now, he just so happens to have jobs where they do not require you to come in and work 9-5. So sometimes I am on the phone with him, or Ive seen an email or two where he lies about his whereabouts to coworkers, and it worries me. Like when I call and he says he's with a client, I feel kindve of weird about it and I just try to keep my mouth shut.
Today I see him online, which is like a first on the IM, so I decided to call to say something to him, and he told me he will call me back because he's with a client. And I'm trying to be positive...
Its just his body language at times, and his lack of calling/calling back during the day, and the lack of conversation most of the time that makes me not understand what is going on.
I do smoke however, and I know he doesn't like it. I don't do it in his face, I just mostly do it at night right before I go to sleep and he is already in bed. I thought maybe that was the reason for these actions, but maybe not...
So... I don't know. Am I being crazy, should I just stop tripping, or do you think I have reasons?
Just sit down and talk to him. You two have way to many problems right now and need to work them out before trying to progress further.
Yea, we have talked quite a few times about these issues. He says when he comes home he's tired, that's why he doesn't talk much. Or, he has work to do at home so he's busy doing that and watching TV. I have already brought up the fact that he lies about where he is when people call him. He said that I should not be stressing him because I know that he works two conflicting jobs so he does what he has to do. I can't keep mentioning it...
If I had to guess, I'd say that he's lost interest to some extent, for whatever reason. Maybe due to stress. Begging for attention will normally make a guy less inclined to give it to you.
Unless you're happy with the way things stand, you're going to have to make some kind of change. If you've talked and he doesn't feel the need to make any adjustments to his own behavior, you'll have to adjust yours. If you make appropriate changes to your own behavior or perspective, and you still find that you're unhappy.. maybe it's time to move on.
Also, I know what its like to be pulled in different directions and be pretty much spread a little too thin to make sufficient time for a girlfriend. It hurts when you feel like you're doing the best you can and she still wants more from you. In my case, all it took was her to express the way she felt, for me to make more time for her.
It's hard when a man is really busy and doesn't have much time for his girlfriend. It's a life choice he is making right now and sometimes, if you give your support he will give you more time. Also you really need to talk to him, we almost never listen when our girlfriend talks to us. Tell him in a serious tone, we really need to talk.
My fiancé and I have been in a relationship for 1.5 years. We have not been able to get into a position where we are living together regardless of all my countless efforts. Finally I do all the foot work and get her an apartment (meant for us) and the morning after she moved in she asked me to get out for two weeks so that she could get her children used to the change. She had previously been living with her EX for that entire 1.5 year though I give her credit she never tried to hide that she was moving out from him. He however demanded that while under his roof she must obide by his rules and not see me. She of course seen me as much as possible otherwise we wouldn't still be together today. She is much older than me being 36 and myself only 24 but we have made age a non-factor. The problem I am having now is simply, she let her EX come into our new apartment after I left for my mother's for two weeks (possibly plus some) and had him do all the move in stuff... I have no clue how long he is there, no clue what that apartment actually even looks like now or anything. I don't know what to do. It could be that she wants to remain friends or is finding it hard to tell him to buzz off for the rest of her life but I'm sorry I want this guy gone now. He is far too in my way. And I have told her that several times now but she just keeps saying soon soon soon. WHEN DOES SOON BECOME NOW? I have done so much for this chick and I just don't know what to do to get her ex gone. Its obvoius that its got to be her that gets rid of him and that if I force it it will backfire on me so what to do? Leave? I don't want to leave and give it all up. I love her with all my heart and I want to marry her. Due to a mistake I myself made with another woman a few months ago (which I actually blame on my fiancés neglect of me)... OK it wasn't a mistake, I wanted some attention, any at all and she wouldn't give it to me or as she would say couldn't give it to me because of her ex so I looked up my ex, broke up with my fiancé, and tried with my ex but we didn't get far before I felt too guilty about it and took my fiancé back for another try because she came to me bawling and begging but She calls that cheating when I wasn't really planning on getting back with her that soon at the very least if ever. Yes our relationship has been through the ringer, I know it probably doesn't even sound like its worth saving but to me it is worth everything so I need to know what to do.
An ex who says to a 36 year old women 'you abide by my rules under my roof' has control issues,and she is most likely scared to go completely against him.
He's not going to go away unless she takes steps to enforce it..
Soon soon soon,will never come.
My advice,cancel the lease and get out now.
Does the ex even know that its YOUR place?
Listen carefully young guy, your being used, maybe unintentionally, by this female to escape from her ex. After she has escaped and gotten her freedom, your toast. Worse, your so thrilled to have her, you are willing to meet her every need.
She may have been showing you attention, but its for her good, not yours. When you have served your purpose, you will no longer be needed.
That's why she is with a young guy, who doesn't know better. She knew you would believe anything she says, and you have.
I know you don’t want to hear it, but I get the distinct feeling that she is using you. :( Since I know you don’t believe it, all you can do is address your feelings with her. Since the two of you are supposedly together now, it’s totally inappropriate for her to have her ex hanging out day and night with her.
Since she’s your girlfriend, there is nothing wrong with you telling the ex when he is getting too close, too needy or crossing boundaries when he is. If your girlfriend does not respect your feelings in the matter or does not want to end the bonds with the ex, then it's time for you to move on, because it's clear that she's not ready to move on herself.
Thing is leaving for me is easy. I am on no lease and the place was put in her name. I talked to her today about this and she is super scared that I am leaving her. Told her she needs to boot him out and get me back in there within three days (maybe I am not giving enough time) or I will find my own apartment and she can call me when she is finally rid of him. She didn't like that of course but it needed to be said. She does love me, I know she does, she is crazy for me. However I told her she needs to assert herself to her ex and make him go away or she will lose me for good. She isn't willing to lose me so she is going to do this for me supposidly. I'll keep you posted. I want it to work but am just not willing to put up with the ex any longer.
Is her ex the father of her children?
I think you are setting yourself up as a rebound relationship. She may love you with all of her heart, however, she has jumped from one relationship to another. She needs to give herself time to heal from the ex and be on her own for awhile before committing to another relationship.
On that one it's a little too late. They have been not dating for 1.5 years and he does know about me. No he is not the father of her children though that guy is the biggest jerk I've ever personally met. Nothing to do with this however, she is no longer in rebound mode and she wants to have a loving relationship but see's my issues with her lack of motivation as me calling a good relationship bad. Sorry but its not all that good right now and I am trying to make it better and keep it lasting. She just see's the less stressful way. Oh by the way she happens to have bipolar-depression too. Son is autistic and Daughter has pretty bad ADHD. Problems or not I love that family and am not real willing to give them up
I don't think she jumped from one relationship to another, but rather just jumped into two relationships. She had the ex fooled she wasn't out with you, but really wasn't fooling him, he just put up with it. Now your wanting to move things forward and have her all to yourself, and she isn't overily accepting it, because then she will have to leave her other boyfriend, the ex all together, or doesn't know hwo to play you both, if she lives with you.
She is playing big games here, and likes the rewards from both of you. Honestly, both of you should just leave her alone
There was a time that I thought that to be true. However she was just using him for a place to live and that is a fact I know because I've personally heard him say it. Of course he hates me and won't let me anywhere near the area but he cannot really stop her from seeing me and he knows that she is. You're right about the rewards though, there are really big rewards from both of us, my money and his overly helpful nature (not nice in nature but helpful non-the-less). His pushy nature is what is getting in my way at the moment and I am pushing back harder. If she can't handle the change then she WILL lose me forever. It's that simple. Not my fault she can't do what's right
Well I don't think you are a rebound relationship, you guys have lasted too long for that in my opinion.
If you can get her to rid of the ex boyfriend, that would be good. Your relationship needs to start all over somehow. Because neither of you two had a fair shot at having a actual loving relationship with the ex fool still present. So you are doing the right thing with making her get rid of him. If she actually does this, I would come up with some new ways to spice it all up all over again, kind of like a new feeling between the two of you. So its kind of fresh and new!
Good luck, keep up posted I would be interested to hear how this situation goes for you. I was in a similar situation before, she never lived with him though. I ended up letting her go, because she would never ever rid him from her life, even though she said she did. I don't think she ever did anything with him, but he had his chance, didn't work, so bye bye buddy!
If she couldn't let him go, well then I will just go, I wasn't sharing , whether cheating or not, those were his intentions.
The girlfriend I am with now, her ex still doesn't stop texting her either. Even after two yrs, this guy tells her he will haunt her life for the rest of her life no matter who she is with! She tells him to go to hell, and hope he dies. Guy has major issues, mostly when he is drunk we get the texts. I am very glad she is open about it though, and she tries everything possible to make him stop, ignoring him, being beyond mean, nothing has worked. So far its been a month and not a message from him though, which is good. I told her to nnever reply again, no matter how badly you want to shoot him down. Next option is the police, because we are really sick of it by now, and he also makes her scared to go in public on occasion. He has also speared me in a hockey game, only game he showed up to, when we played his team lol. He blind sided me, knocked my wind out, before I got up my brother handed him his butt lol. That was recent too, just before he stopped texting. He also keyed my truck, but a new paint job for only 200 dollars, I wasn't really mad. I kind of wanted it repainted. Its black, and had a few scratches. Now its new again lol
Thanks buddy!
Again good luck!
Funny ending to that story I like it. Thanks for your support, its nice to hear that someone thinks I am doing the right thing here.He should have been gone long ago and I have given her several chances to fix this situation, this is the last chance and she knows it. She knows I'll leave if I want to and she is like I said way too scared to let me do that. Oh you couldn't just change your girls number? That should have done the trick I think. But anyway I will keep you posted on the events as they play out for sure. I really hope she does the right thing here cause I am truly in love with her and I want more than anything to be her husband. Besides our sex life is suffering because of all the stress and that is something I really really hate giving up lol. Just kidding. I can do without sex so long as I can have my girl next to me at night.
THanks for the awesome encouragement. I would boost your rating but I don't know how lol. Sorry :rolleyes:Quote:
Originally Posted by dynocompe
We have changed the number, deleted from Facebook too. But he obviously got her new number, small city, everyone knows everyone
Ohh and I don't post for rating anyway! Lol
No that's cool I was just saying that you deserve a plus for that one lol. Um, well I don't know what to tell you about him. Hopefully you've seen the last of him but if not then the police may have to get involved a few times. Think he is psycho enough to hurt either of you physically?
Okay,
She is wanting her cake and ice cream too. I do not believe that the year and a half that she was living with her so called ex that their was no relationship there. Also carrying on a relationship with you for that time.
You get your own apartment for you guys and then she moves in and tells you to get out. Smooth that is so weird and strange. You went for it?
She has no right to dictate to you what you should and should not do.
Sounds like she likes to be in control, sounds like she has control issues herself.
I do wish you the best, the ex should not ever be in the picture especially if he is not the father of her child. That leaves another can of worms open.
Are you okay with her being with people for convenience. Take care of yourself and do not put up with too much bullsh-t.
I wouldn't put anything past this guy. He doesn't scare me in any way though. He is so uncoordinated, I have been to clubs and he has been there, we share mutual friends, he is 30, I am 27, and all our friends are 27, I went to high school with them all, and am a lot closer to them, so they all have my back over him, and they have told him this. So he doesn't touch me yet, besides that hockey game. Every time I have went to a place he is at, he usually leaves. BUt then again, he drives by my gfs house, last time I went to the atm, I ran in the bank, my girlfriend was in my truck, he drove around the block 4 TIMES. Then when I got in the truck, he was at the red light, coming the opposite way, driving by once again. I just gave him a nice gesture. He is pretty unperdictable, you never know what he is doing.
Apparently when he sticked me, his teammates asked him , what the hell you doing, and he flipped on them, and said none of your business, its personal. And they said, well this is a hockey game, keep your personal s**t off the ice.
Everyone tells me he is obsessed with her, obviously, so I have been telling them, why don't you tell him to get a life and move on. SO maybe its starting to clue in. I don't know. He has went as far as e-mailing my ex;s trying to get dirt on me lmao! I got several emails from past gf;s, asking me what the heck is going on , and why this guy is emailing them about me.
Every time I read a post on this forum about, help I am still in love with my ex, I secretly hope I read his story so people can help him move the heck on!
I know that you comment was in my best interest and for all I know you may be right. But even if you are and I never find out I am all right with it so long as she does not ever cheat on me again. I love her and I would forgive her transgressions if she ever had anything to confess to me, she did it for me so I owe that much to her at least. However I am not willing to give up on her due to the possibility that she may have cheated a few times with the man she lived with for that long, but due to the way she talks about him and the way she talks to him I serious doubt anything was going on there. He of course still wanted her back, otherwise he'd have made her leave when he found out about me, however she has given him no headway and she even confessed once to having a kiss forced on her at easter. She was crying thinking I would leave her but she felt too guilty to keep it in. I figure the kiss was a little more mutual but I forgive her because for something as small as a kiss to make her feel that guilty I'm sure she would have about destroyed herself had she ever had sex with another man. I trust her until I am proven wrong to do so. And again I love her and even had she slept with him a few times I will forgive her so long as it never happens again. Not because I am a push over but because I am strong enough to see that if she is the girl I am going to marry forgiveness is a trait I will need to possess and master in order for marriage to work
Lol dyno. Actually I have been reading through these hoping to find my fiancé or her ex posting something myself but I doubt either of them even know this place exsists which is good for me because if she knew I was asking strangers for advice she'd probably freak out. She has people from her past that wouldn't mind finding and hurting her (old family that got locked away because of her). That sort of thing. She thinks someone knows about me and will get a clue from something I say as to her where-abouts. I told her that you can find anything on anyone you want simply be checking public records online and paying a small fee. I found her and her number really easily and I dug up dirt on the ex that I was hoping to throw in his face but I guess it was all cleared up a long time ago. Oh well. Just keep your cell phone ready in case you need to dial those three little numbers, advise your girlfriend to do the same thiing.
I do hope it all works out for you. I do wish you all the best for everybody involved. Just remember that their should be bounderies and respect in a relationship, but when she is telling you to get out of your own place, that is far from being respectful. Just putting that out there. How far are you willing to go to find out if she is truly the one you want to be with. Obviously a lot because you have gone through so much with her already. Just do not lose yourself in this okay. It happens a lot. Just do not want you to end up being an un happy person at the same time it might turn out to be the best thing in the world. You do not know until you go through it.
Just keep that in mind. There are limits and do not put up with everything. Ok.
Thank you jesushelper, I can tell how much you care. It is nice to hear such protectiveness from a complete stranger. Almost makes me feel supported in someway you know? I will take your advice and keep my eyes wide open about this, and I'll watch the situation as closely as possible to make sure that nothing is going amiss. Thanks again Jesushelper, you're a nice person
Don't get blinded by the situation. You seem like a really trusting, patient fellow... really good traits, but also traits that some people take advantage of. Hope it all works out for you. Be careful. Good luck!
dynocompe and all that have been following this situation. I am happy to have had your help and advice in this hard time but it seems like it is finally at an end. She told the guy to buzz off finally and has asked me to fully move back in today. I am sure that there will be ripples of the problem in the near future coming back to haunt me a little but like a ripples they disappear over time. Again thank you everyone for all your help and support and if anything happens in the future I will be sure to keep you all posted. Everyone have a good day and enjoy life as much as possible. Bless you all
I hope you have a long and happy relationship. Please, keep your eyes open and don't ignore warning signs. Open and honest communication is the best way to ride out the 'ripples'.Quote:
Originally Posted by Larken85
Good luck. :)
First night went well. I spent a lot of time with the kids, we ate dinner together and I helped get them off to bed for the first time ever. Now I'm at work and I will be going back home to her in the morning. How nice. The kids were oddly only acting up when their mom was home (she went out to get dinner) but while under my watch they were angels. I think she needs to work on disapline with them. I never noticed how little they paid attention to her so no wonder she has been so stressed. They will probably start treating me this way soon too. I knew the ripples would be bigger at first, the Ex called her and said he was standing at the door, she said she wasn't even home, and he laughed saying that he was joking but it would be funny to see her chicken boyfriend run out the door which I would have done in his direction with my shoulder by the way. But looks like he will harass us a bit and that is going to tick me off. I said did you tell him that the only reason I have ever left was by her request and she said he knows but still thinks you're scared. To which I replied then tell him to meet me at the park across the street so the cops don't come here. She said no. I was like dang it. I have been wishing for the chance to exchange blows with them man for a long time but it just hasn't happened (mostly because She won't let it happen cause she doesn't want trouble by her kids respectibly and she doesn't know who would win anyway and she doesn't want to see me get hurt even if I do win.) I am not stupid enough to actually get into a serious fight with the man, just enough to teach him a lesson because I am not a fighter. But when you hate one person for that long its hard not to want to kick his you know what. Anyway, I'm going to try and stay out of trouble but I am not going to run away, if he is there I will by all means protect myself and if I have to pick something up to do so I have no problem with that either. Either way I do not and will not go looking for trouble. Sounds fun right? Hopefully this type of behavior will end soon and if the law has to get involved then so be it.
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