Easier said than done, budget, learn to live without, if you can't pay for it, don't get it. There are many good budgeting programs out there

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Hi Larken, just so you know, finances are the biggest cause of break ups in a MARRIAGE. Having said that, YOUR FEAR of standing up for yourself, is at the root of your problem. Its not the money but the reaction and actions of her disagreeing with you.

See she has no problem getting her way because she knows exactly how to back you down, and its very obvious, you let her.

One of the things many of us do is let our partners have their way because we are afraid to confront them with the reality as we see it.

In this case its not a lack of communications, as you both know exactly what the other one thinks, and wants. Its just your side that is handicapped by an unwillingness to NOT give in to her emotional display, and give her what she wants.

I think you let her rant and rave and cuss and swear, and give her a few days to vent, and cool off, while you stick to your guns about whats fair in your mind. If you do not relent, then she must rethink her position, and tactics, and find a better approach. Or leave you alone. All her choices to make. Let her.

Thats non-verbal communications, and is as important as talking, and listening, and sometimes more so. Look guy, she knows your feelings, and she also knows she will get her way because, you have always caved when she guilts you into something. Many of us men (females too, to be fair), are suckers for the emotional onslaught of our partners, but over time, and usually because we are sick of being the one that always caves, even when we are right, we start to stand up, and say NO, when its necessary, and even push back, when they take it to far.

I think its fair to stand up for whats right, when you believe it, and even to strongly disagree when they are dead wrong, or unfair.

Thats what my advice to you is. Learn to stand up for your beliefs, and not get pushed around, because as its important to love, and protect our partners, its even more important to love yourself.

She cannot abuse, or blackmail your heart, or intimidate, and manipulate, your thinking, unless you let her.

Love is not being a victim to another to have their way. Love is not always giving them what they want at your expense. Love is not eating their crap either, if you know that doesn't work for you.

The way I see it, as you seem to want to make her happy with all your heart, sometimes being an unmoving brick wall is also showing love when its necessary. (tough love)

Whether you know it or not, she is very carried away by the power you give her, and at some point, you make a stand and say "enough and what your doing is not fair and I ain't going for it!!" Then you have to stand your ground.

Your dignity and self respect will love you for it, trust me. So will she, if she loves, and respects you, for who you are and not what you give her, as much as you do her.

Forget the fear of her reactions, and actions, as there is no argument as to whether your right or wrong. Doesn't matter who is. You have to face her fury with the calm strength, that a cool head, will outlast a furious one.

Sometimes you have to meet the challenge head on to resolve it. Not slink away, and turn your anger, and frustrations on yourself, especially since this is an ongoing, frustration.

You aren't the only guy to face these problems, and will hardly be the last. But the bottom line is how you define YOURSELF, and deal with it according to what you think is fair, and right, and not be swayed by an emotional argument, that you clearly see is wrong.

When you accept bad behavior, you will ALWAYS get more.

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I was going to cut some of this out and just put the fine points in that I really liked and wanted to respond to but I know that this entire post is perfectly right. Some of the best advice I have ever seen on here actually. This is a very hard thing to do, but all I can do is try. I guess if she doesn't like it, she will decide what's going to happen to us. I need to do this. I need to try, and I can't stay like this.

Why are you the only one working? Or does she have a job too?

Seems like she is taking you for granted. Wanting to live a lifestyle that is obviously out of both your budgets.

You just simply need to say NO. You need to take care of yourself. Trust me, its not healthy to work yourself to the bone. You're going to age yourself faster and always have that feeling your missing out. You already stated that money isn't the most important thing to you, so then what is?

She's pushing you to provide a lifestyle for her that will literally kill you in the end. And quite honestly, if she wants to live a lifestyle that is expensive, then she better be putting more towards it then child support.. She needs a job (if she doesn't have one) and put some of her money towards what she wants as well. Relationships, especially those heading towards marriage, aren't one sided. You need to work as a unit, and right now... its all on your shoulders.

Again, how did this wonderful relationship with this terrific person go so sour in 5 days?

Judy, she is bi-polar. Its hard to keep up with her moods and she directly effects my moods. We have a volitile relationship still. Maybe we should hold off on thinking about marriage until we get more comfortable and settled with each other.

One minute it is the best thing in the world, the next it is the hardest to endure. It's a newer relationship, and it needs more time to settle out.

Your not going to like this.

It is time to end this relationship altogether.

She wants everything handed to her. She has been living the easy life. Honestly you are working non stop and she will not contribute some way.

Your going to lose yourself by this. There are 1000 red flags in this relationship too many to mention and so many already mentioned.

She needs to start carrying a lot more weight in the relationship and you need to be the one to communicate this with her.

Stand up and be a man, and let your voice be known. The more you let it happen, the more you leave it like it is. The worse it will get and something or everything will self destruct.

Hi Larken,

I have to agree with Jesushelper.

You are young, and seem to have a lot going for you...

I'm not saying she is a bad person, not at all! I just think that you two are like oil and water.

You taking on the brunt of the work isn't helping YOU any.

It's only going to get worse...


I can see and understand that you care for her.

Do you think it's fair? You tell us.

When you first told us about what it was about you that she was attracted to, you said that it was because you DID NOT have any children of your own. Yet she has two, and cannot have anymore. That in itself is one of the most selfish things that I've heard on here. She is content with you never having biological children. Parenthood is the greatest joy I've ever experienced. Don't deny yourself that special love.

And now she is telling you to work more, so she can spend your money on the things that she sees fit. You are paying rent on a place in which you do not live. She spends it faster that you can make it.

Things like this usually get worse before they get better. You need to sit down, and think about things. You need to stop with the accepting blame whenever you are not at fault, just to keep the peace.

And yes, if this story was someone else's post, you would have the answer that you are looking for.

You are in LUST, not LOVE.

You deserve to be treated with respect. And not like a goose that lays the golden egg.

Jm I agree that she is selfish. Lust? no. I have made that mistake in the past, I know the difference. I am in love. She however may be in lust. I could never know if someone else only really lusted after me or if they actually loved me.

Not until a big test of love that is. I thought the fact that she came back after I cheated was a true testement (not that I did it for that reason.) I donno... Maybe taking me back was a way to pronounce power over me. But I just can't imagine her doing that.

I do deserve to be treated with respect, and I have been doing the lions share of the work in both the relationship and financially. I mean its not like I make a lot of money. I just don't know, I'm so lost in this.

She is going to have to let me talk to her, I can't be like that anymore...


And in regards to the children of my own thing, its not a big deal to me. Well it is but its something I will have to deal with if I am with her. It is not selfish that she cannot have anymore. We had our chance, and for some reason we were not allowed to have children (or she was otherwise biologically incapable). I have known this for some time and I will not hold that against her.

I think this woman is using you. You need her and she needs you and you are both enabling each other's weakness.
You are young and have a lot of living to do yet you are tied down to a woman with children and a mental and financial disorder.
This situation is not going to get better. You will always have a battle with her and then you will have to deal with the kids as they begin to assert themselves, and they will because they see her walking all over you.

I think this relationship is too volatile to work. It is highly dysfunctional. I am certain this woman is not the one for you.
You seem to be a kind hearted and giving person, you deserve better than this.
Don't cheat yourself.

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Originally Posted by homegirl 50

i think this woman is using you. You need her and she needs you and you are both enabling each other's weakness.
You are young and have a lot of living to do yet you are tied down to a woman with children and a mental and financial disorder.
This situation is not going to get better. You will always have a battle with her and then you will have to deal with the kids as they begin to assert themselves, and they will because they see her walking all over you.

I think this relationship is too volatile to work. It is highly dysfunctional. I am certain this woman is not the one for you.
You seem to be a kind hearted and giving person, you deserve better than this.
Don't cheat yourself.

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:(... :(


I have to sleep. I'll be back tonight...

I did not say that to be cruel or to hurt.
You are a bright man and a kind one. I would hate to see you let this woman destroy who you are.
I wish you well

I will say more, this is truly blind love. On your part.

You are continuesly making excuses for her, even though this seems like it is so one sided.

Truth be told, you are both in for a major meltdown. It is coming. You keep defending her no matter what she does.

I have to admit cheating on your part was not good. Her taking you back okay that was nice. The question I have before you cheated was she the same way with things? Yes or no?

Cheating will happen again, and you deny the chances of her cheating but guess what that is because your blind and can not see it but the possibility is always there. That is the first thing I thought of when I saw this post. The reason why she wants you gone so much is so she does have the opportunity to screw you, literally by trying to go out with others to do some kind of pay back.

This is not good at all. I hope that you are smart enough to stand up be a man, make some decisions to make your life better, not hers. Your just giving her everything she wants and simply will not end.

She is absolute taker, and she is going to eat away at your soul and your heart and your money until you will end up in the psyche ward..

I hope you eventually see the light before it is too late and gone.

Any Relationship should be a 2 way street and this clearly isn't , and to be honest I can't ever see that happening.

If it were me I'd take the hurt now and get out , but hey , that's just me.

That would be the ideal thing to do. It is either let it die a miserable slow death, or be the one to end it quickly and start to move on.

God I hate hearing the truth.

Jesushelper. The question you asked about things being the same way, no. They have changed quite a bit, but that is not to say in a way that I am happy with. I got her into a better position to see me, but now I had to move out and have not been able to return. Its like one bad thing after another. I get one problem fixed and here comes another one, like we need to even out the good and the bad in our relationship instead of trying to eliminate the bad. I know that bad is always going to be there, but in trying to eliminate it at the very least you are trying to make it better. Not eliminating one issue and causing another one just to have a dramatic life style.

I am going to talk to her this weekend (my weeken of Tuesday and Wednesday night) and if things don't change drastically, our lives are going to be shifting in two different directions. I am getting a bit more mature, this is why the problems keep coming up. She doesn't like me having a say and I am not going to just follow her rules and crap blindly anymore. She has noticed a huge change in how much I am speaking up to her but the problem is my words still lack the action. My leaving her (which ultimately got called cheating) was the first of many points in my life where I am letting myself be known or stepping out if she doesn't listen.

Now she is listening but her issue is now that she doesn't consider my issues with her actions as valid. She doesn't respect what I see going on in the relationship because in her own little world everything is just sun shine and daisies! I hate to be such a pushy person, but I told her several times that she is taking too much of my money and spending it while she gives me a tiny allowance. I mean usually I do not argue, she says she needs that much and that's what I give her, but then she gets angry when I don't have enough to make it to payday and that's when I try to tell her that I am giving her too much. Guess if nothing else I am going to have to be a little tighter with my own money because I am not being fair to myself. And I am really getting shafted here.

I am a good looking guy, I am nice, and I personally think that I am a keeper, so if she wants to keep me, she is going to have to make me happier. That's all she wrote I guess.

I also think you're a really good guy as well. That is why everybody here is trying to help you out in your situation. We all want you to be happy in your life and honestly your miserable right now.

You know what I agree, she is going to have to do more to make you happier. As others have said it is a two way street, relationships should not always be one way.

I do hope everything works out for the best for the situation to get resolved in one way or another. Know we all have your backs here, and that we will be here through all of the things you might be going through or go through.

Take care okay...

Joe

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Originally Posted by Larken85

I know that bad is always going to be there, but in trying to eliminate it at the very least you are trying to make it better.

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I agree with you 100% here Larken , the problem is you're the only one putting any effort into it , that's not only not fair but it's also damn right selfish of her in my opinion.

I think she's using you by the sound of all this and if I was a betting man I'd say if you really put your foot down , she'd change her attitude quick smart , because if you leave her shopping stops so to speak.

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Originally Posted by friend4u178

I agree with you 100% here Larken , the problem is your the only one putting any effort into it , that's not only not fair but it's also damn right selfish of her in my opinion.

I think she's using you by the sound of all this and if I was a betting man I'd say if you really put your foot down , she'd change her attitude quick smart , because if you leave her shopping stops so to speak.

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Really Good point M... she does not want to do it alone because she has a lot of issues and wants everything handed to her. If there was a threat of taking that away, I wonder. Change of attitude but how long would that change happen for. She sounds like she is always going to be using somebody to get herself ahead.

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Originally Posted by Jesushelper1976

Really Good point M... she does not want to do it alone because she has a lot of issues and wants everything handed to her. If there was a threat of taking that away, I wonder. Change of attitude but how long would that change happen for. She sounds like she is always going to be using somebody to get herself ahead.

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Had to spread the rep Joe but they were my thoughts too.

A. why do they keep calling you M? And B. Joe is my name too. That's cool for some reason. Or dorky that I think its cool lol.

Then if she changes, for however long, how do I know if it is because she doesn't want to lose me in regards to love, or in regards to her wanting to use me?

She is going to have to want to change-do you think she does?

I don't think changing is something she could handle well. With the way she is and the problems she has, it is hard to get her out of a routine. Just like an autistic person she needs things to happen the same way and when things screw up her schedule she throws a tantrom. I can't live my life in a constent summersult of activities. The same thing done enough times gets so irritating and boring. I try to spice it up, she hates it, I try to spend more time with her, she finds it a chore.

I just want to scream sometimes. And then she will say things that just hurt, she thinks nothing of it and I am sitting there feeling liike a scarred little boy. Like my best friend just died and she is like what's wrong? I tell her and she gets mad that I reacted that way and she knows without a doubt that what she said was right and justified. Whether it is or not she basically tells me to get the _ over it cause it's the truth. She doesn't care that she has hurt my feelings so long as she feels that she is right. Later on she will care, she will appologize and all of that, but only if I sound like I am no longer hurt. If She knows I am still hurt she will fight with me. Maybe she just hates weakness.. don't know

If this is a match made in heaven I would hate to be in hell. This is a terrible relationship Larken. She is living off the government and she has you as her sugar daddy.

Larken, I don't know how much you know about bipolar disorder, but my father (God rest his soul) suffered from bipolar disorder for as long as I can remember. He still provided us with a very comfortable lifestyle and my mother did not have to work. So, it's still possible for her to be gainfully employed. Also, another symptom of bipolar disorder is shopping. Yup, shopping, not beign good with finances, not paying bills, etc.

While you may love her with all your heart, she is just hurting you.

Why don't you live in the apartment you pay for?

Make a list-ten reasons to stay,ten reasons to break up.

From what you're posting,I think you are really struggling.

Kind of quoting Tal,a relationship should be a bonus-this sounds like a chore.

The reason behind that would shoot all of you through the roof. I will sufise to say that the biggest reason I do not live there (her biggest reason) is because the kids are still not used to me. I might as well come out with it actually, since it'll come out sooner or later anyway.

I know I am ridiculous, I know I am stupid and just all around idiotic. You don't need to tell me that honestly. The main reason in my opinion that she is not letting me move in is because her Ex still has her dog and comes over whenever he pleases. (not at night mind you I know that for a fact.) But the problem is he is kind of using the dog as blackmail. She loves her dog but until taxes she cannot come up with the pet deposit at that apartment. I know there is probably a better way to deal with it, and believe me I am at the end of the rope here. She told me that I would be moved in right after spring break (my bad for not making her set a date) but spring break is over now. I should be moving in tonight, but I am sadly not. I am just spending the night again.

It is my opinion that if she wants that dog so freakin bad she should just take it there and keep it hidden. It's a good dog, doesn't do anything wrong. No one would ever know it was there, but she is just afraid that she will be kicked out if she gets caught with it.
On top of that she is afraid that if she is caught with me there too much she will get kicked out. I am not on the lease and the place has super strict rules. Thing is, I lived there for a month before she got there, never had a single problem, but as soon as she got there it was time to get out! I didn't want to get out.

But now I almost don't want to move back in. I really don't want to deal with the shifting moods and the fact that we still don't communicate well enough to have a healthy living together relationship let alone the living separately one we have right now.

J9 you are right, she could and would work. It is something she wants to do, but not bad enough to take some of her time and go out and get a job that is. She is a compulsive shopper, gets whatever she fancies at the time. There are at least ten pairs of clothes in her closet that she bought more than a year ago that still have the tags on them. I mean come on, why waste the money? She claims that she is better with finances than I am, and generally speaking she does get the bills paid on time, except she does it with my money. I pay more than her in the relationship, bills cost more than out rent. Rent is all she pays for. She then gets mad at me for not having enough money, not having had worked enough hours. (I do 40 at least a week. Sometimes up to 60) I have had single pay checks for more than what I make all month generally. Its just too much on my shoulders. I can't barely stand up anymore.

And on top of all this I have to be the peace keeper. I have to calm her down, I have to do all the emotional work in the relationship because she would rather detach herself from the situation. GRRR!!

Oh gosh I can feel it already. I am about to get yelled at because the ex is still in the picture. Crap...

This has got to be one of the most toxic relationships I have ever seen.

#1 Stop paying HER rent. If she wants to live there she can pay it.
#2 Stop giving her money, if she wants to go shopping, she can get a job.

You are most definitley her sugar daddy. From everything I have read, she has no plans to move you in and spend your life together. She's happy milking you of all of your money, pride and self esteem.

You are never going to be truly happy in this relationship, if you can even call it a relationship.

You are just throwing money out of the window paying her rent and giving her shopping money. This relationship will truly never be a happy one.

Not yelling,but stop going round in circles and find a solution-even if that means you walk away.

Seriously,that's what you should do.

Does her ex even know that the two for you are a couple?

Her ex does know, this is why he is still around. He is trying to push me away. He has been trying for a long time. He has known about us since December of 2008 when she all of a sudden got pregnant without them having had sex. Oops. But seriously if I were him I'd have kicked her out a long long time ago. He needed her there to keep afloat though. He can't pay his house payment and truck payment without her rent money. Actually he is talking about getting rid of his truck now because he just can't afford it. Honestly if he'd go out and get another job he'd be better off but I don't really even care if a bus runs over him to be honest.

Its all fine an dandy to walk away, that I can do without too much hassel. Problem is staying away, not melting when she crys. I can't stand up for myself otherwise. The only thing I can do is leave. (not saying that that is what I am doing, not saying that is my only choice at this time. I am saying that it's the only way I can stnd up to her). I am too weak to stand my groud with her.

My suggestion is to tell her that you will stop paying the rent and stop funding her shopping sprees until you get married. Also that she will have to get a job and help support the family.

You are not her Mr. Moneybanks. This is YOUR money that YOU make at YOUR job. She does not rule your life. You will no longer pay rent on an apartment that you are not on the lease, nor live at that address. If she is on the lease it is her responsibility to make the rent payments. Not you.

She needs to get her shopping under control as well. Make her take back those outfits with the tags on them and use that money to pay bills.

That's a good idea j9. Thanks. I hope I can stand up to her. Otherwise this is just going to be another one of our stupid fights.

Either you stand up to her or you continue to be her doormat. When I was growing up, this kind of man was called p****whipped!

Ouch... tough love, I know...

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Originally Posted by Larken85

ouch..... tough love, I know...

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Tough love or truth? Take a look in the mirror, what do you see?

Me being a door mat. What else. Also I'd like to add to this a little. When we discussed the money issue today she said I am just not fighting with you about your money anymore. Its your money and you can decide whether you are going to give me any at all or how much. I will not tell you what I want anymore... That is her way of making me feel bad but honestly that is what I wanted all along so I don't really feel bad at all lol.

Dude, all I can say is that must be some magical booty.

She somehow has cast a spell on you. You are miserable, and cannot see what we see. You are not living there because of the dog? She is treating her little dog better than you.

Life does not have to be this hard.

I do haveto say the booty isn't anything short of magic. But sex is something I can live without. I did so for 8 months, I can do it much longer if it is my choice.

Its not that she treats the dog better than me, she would leave it if it weren't for her daughter. Its her dog, and she would be extremely heart broken if she lost it.

Man kids can cause a lot of hassel. I love the kids though, they are another reason I want to work it out. Her daughter and I get along so well and she has deep affection for me, it killed her to have to leave me in Tennessee. She bawled for hours. My girlfriend was trying to be strong but she too was miserable. I think more over because it killed her daughter. (emotionally)

But on a different note she likes to hold the kids over my head too. I hate that she uses them as a weapon. Every time we get really bad she pulls me back in knowing that the thing I want most (aside from a loving wife) is a family. She knows that she can use them to get to me. We are the same in that aspect. I know that her kids love me and when she is having issues I use that to remind her that it is worth working out.

We are in a constent battle back and forth with a few neurtral moments in between. Sometimes I wish I could print all this off so I didn't haveto voice it and she could know exactly how I feel, not the dulled down version.

Joe,I think you need a holiday and some serious thinkingtime.

A break might not be a bad idea.