Hey 4.

I know what you're saying. If you're like me, your anger might stem from blaming yourself about the end of your relationship. This is natural and I'd like to think everyone goes through this (dumpees). The key thing is not to let the anger consume you. If it does, you will either lash out at yourself (doing self-hating things), at others (driving away friends), or most dangerously at your ex (which opens up new levels of hurt). Channeling your anger into construcutive projects help a great deal, whether going to the gym, doing a hobby, or using it as a (very powerful) motivation to change yourself. If you control your anger, rather than letting it control you, you'll see that you can use it to positive ends. Eventually, your anger will fade, and you will have made progress to boot!

I suggest working out. Exercise makes you feel better and if you really push yourself then you forget about everything else for awhile. I'm not a runner but when I lift I get a natural high that I think is a "runners high." If you don't like lifting then do cardio. Just do something. Walk if you have to.

Like Allheart I believe that anger has other things behind it. Hurt is definitely a part of anger. Frustration, probably because you feel stuck there. And the big daddy feeeling that loves to hide behind other feelings, fear. Fear maybe that you don't know how to process things like other people and never will. Or maybe that you'll never get what you want. If it is that, I am telling you now that is a BIG FAT LIE. It is important to get at what it really is, I think and for all humans that can take a bit of digging. We don't always tell ourselves the rock bottom truth about what's going on. And when we get to it, it often isn't a truth we've been telling ourselves either - GO FIGURE!

I saw your threads before, 4answers, and wanted to say something about what I have seen people with anger issues do. With help mostly, they found they could learn and learn they did and when they got done learning a few simple things, OMG what different people they were and effortlessly too! They learned that not knowing how to deal with anger constructively wasn't their fault, for starters. They were taught by people who didn't know any better too. But as adults, we are all free to change whatever was lacking in how we were raised. And so they learned and were set free from their pasts and their frustrations and their limitations. And you can be too.

Where I live there are anger management classes that I am sure you could attend. I think you just might be the only one there voluntarily but hoorah for that!! People are "sentenced" to them from domestic violence cases. But do not let that slow you down, pass go and collect $200 anyway! No, wait, that's monopoly LOL Look into if you have those classes in your area too. Look into what you can do to learn more about you and become empowered to do something about it...

I mean it could make such a difference to the entire rest of your life, you know?

PS - Self anger is always the toughest for me too. I like the physical approach too and usually vent it cleaning out closets LOL but also it's a clue for me to learn something and so I open myself up to that as well. A lot of times, right there in the middle of reconstructing the closet, a lightbulb goes on in my head and I suddenly get what it was I didn't get before!

Hi guys, thanks for the replies.

My anger issues caused the original break up, then prevented a repair and drove the girl away. This was fuelled by frustration over the situation, the girl did not help matters, but I should not need her to act in a certain way to prevent me from being angry and lashing out.

Due to this I was horrible, nasty to and have given someone I care about a totally wrong opinion of me.

So I have a lot of anger over the situation, my reactions, my actions and the loss of the relationship because of this ! <A vicious spiral of self anger, that I am really strugling to cope with>

I am going to look into anger management, I believe that is good advice. (dont know about cleaning cuboards though!. lol).

This hopefully will prevent this from happening in the future because I will / may be in a position to prevent the lashing out.

But how do I deel with the feelings of Anger/ Guilt / Hurt / Loss all caused by myself which makes me angry!?

Hi 4,

Recognizing is a big major first step. Sounds like you are more frustrated with yourself and disappointed, as you know you are capable of doing and being so much better.

The anger management is excellent advice and I am sure they will help you greatly in sorting out how to deal with all of these negative feelings.

First, accept that all of this did happen, learn from it, take the lessons with you, but you have to at some point let the neagative feelings go and somehow turn it into a positive, like learning from it so as to prevent it from happening again.

The sooner you enroll in a management anger class, I would think the sooner you will be given insight in how to deal with all that you are experienicng.

Good for you in taking that first step of acknowlegement!!

Acceptance is the first step in dealing with anything, and learning is essential in finding ways to change how you deal with feelings and situations. Its not easy changing how we have been doing things in the passt but through practice we can change most things about us. Practice=work.

I have a trick I use when too angry but it takes a pretty firm belief that anger often is just fear with a lot of energy in it LOL so...

When angered I go looking for the fear. Honestly, its like being on an emotional safari. I ask myself a lot of questions. LOL Once I get the fear in my sites (and you'll know when it's the right one, its right there practically roaring at you!) I ask myself in as Spock-like manner as possible, is this fear accurate? 99.9% of the time it IS NOT and so I have a little sit-down-chat with myself and reprogram my thinking to something more truthful. By then a lot of the anger has subsided too and I have distracted myself from doing anything rash in the meantime!

This comes out of years of therapy but its an easy habit to develop and can work in many different circumstances. I hope that helps a little until you get to class. I am very pleased that you are willing to take that suggestion - I believe that action will pay and pay handsomely to you!

If you are angy (at yourself or others), or scared or hurt. I suggest you listen to a bruce springsteen album called "darkness on the edge of town". It is about exorcising some serious demons and it will make you realize that there are many people (everybody) who have gone and are going through the same emotions as you

Hi Guys for those following my story, I am having great difficulty putting the past relationship behind me. I have done no contact, but I cannot come to terms with the issues of the past relationship!!

I just cannot seem to accept that a person can be the way she is and just give up on a relationship. I know I should not think about things, but I am finding it very hard

Any suggestions / advice ?

Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? Isn't a mutual relationship someone you'd want?

Moved this from the other thread that you replied in as this relates to your new thread.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by 4answers

I have tried to talk to the girl about this to try to understand her but she will not discuss this. She is saying that I am viewing her past as something shamfull and disgusting, which is true, I view it that she allowed a stranger (in this case) to use her for his own sexual pleasure, and that disgusts me, when I cared about her.

My point is, is that this girl happilly undertakes in this behavour but then is not honest about it. ie if you sleep around and have one night stands, then as long as your open about it to your partner, not a problem. But to pretend your something your not is not good.

So you also need to consider the after affects of this type of behaviour !

Sorry if I sound a little bitter, but I am having diffuculty coming to terms with this and I was her new boyfriend !! How will your new girlfriend view this ?

---

You are getting caught up too much 4answers in her past. Does this have anything to do with what you are supposed to be achieving regrading your anger problems. U don't mean that in a patronising way since I have followed you threads and only want to help you like you have helped me.

Yes, what she did was promiscuous, but remember was it her past. They do say that past behavior is a good indication of future behavior but this is not always true. If you loved her like you indicate you do, then maybe it would have been best to give her the benefit of the doubt. Had she really given you any indication that she wanted to do this kind of thing again, especially while being in a relationship with you?

Remember that sometimes our own judgment of other peoples actions and behavior can sometimes be a reflection of our own insecurities.

Past is past which ever way you cut it>>>>>YOU CANNOT CHANGE IT

What action have you taken to approach you anger problems?

Thank you. Yes I am caught up in her past, for some reason I can't let it go. I guess I cannot forgive, accept or forget that which I do not understand ! Just my nature..

I guess I wish her past was not there, I feel robbed of a future by her past and she does not seem bothered ! Not evan speaking... Like I am in the wrong!

Sorry guys, bit screwed up over this... lol.

I am on a waiting list for anger classes.. My anger is not of a violent type, I just could not accept or understand the situation I found myself in and I could not handle her closed off response. Total not prepared for it !

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by 4answers

Thank you. Yes I am caught up in her past, for some reason I can't let it go. I guess i cannot forgive, accept or forget that which I do not understand ! Just my nature..

---

You must let go of the past, especially her past, because hers has nothing to do with you or any future you have with her or anyone else for that matter.

Also, she should not need your forgiveness for something she did that was in her past that did not involve you as she was not in a relationship with you.

4answers, I will give you an example related to my own situation. You know me and my ex are broke up after 3 years together. I know this because you have responded to me and helped me also. If my ex were now to go with any other man and do what she wants, it has nothing to do with me, nothing whatsoever, however much it hurts me, she is free to do what she likes. If (a very big if) at any point in the future, me and her were to get back together, what she did during the time apart is the past and also bears no significance of who she was as a person since it would have happened during a time where there was no relationship. I'm just using this as an example of what I mean by not holding on and condemning someone for their past when it really has nothing to do with you and your future.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by 4answers

I guess I wish her past was not there

---

Well, it is there and you cannot erase it but you don't have to live your life by it.. The future is what matters..

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by 4answers

I feel robbed of a future by her past and she does not seem bothered !

---

Why does her past rob you of a future? She should not be expected to feel guilty for anything.. She has done nothing to you, she has not cheated, o.k she lied about what happened but maybe she felt ashamed to tell you. This is all in your head and you need to deal with these issues yourself. It is not for her to help you understand why you feel so against her past and to be quite honest, I am not surprised she is angry with you.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by 4answers

Sorry guys, bit screwed up over this...lol.

---

No need to be sorry mate, you have given a lot of others some good advice and put a lot of valuable points together in the past.. That's what AMHD is for.. :)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by 4answers

I am on a waiting list for anger classes.. My anger is not of a violent type, I just could not accept or understand the situation I found my self in and I could not handle her closed off responce. Total not prepared for it !

---

Excellent, this is what I was talking about.. Focus on you and your anger problems because until you do this, you will not be happy in any relationship and the truth is, you will live an unhappy life when you are consumed with anger and resentment.

You will be fine, I guarantee it, as long as you follow the correct path!

Huh? I am lost here. Anger issues? I haven't seen anything to refer to anger. I feel out of the loop or something. Anyway, 4answers if her past bothers you so much, and its not something that you can forgive, than forget her. If its something you can forgive you need to let her know. If she doesn't care, than you will get your answer and can move on.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by jrussole

Huh? I am lost here. Anger issues? I haven't seen anything to refer to anger. I feel out of the loop or something. Anyway, 4answers if her past bothers you so much, and its not something that you can forgive, than forget her. If its something you can forgive you need to let her know. If she dosn't care, than you will get your answer and can move on.

---

You need to read his previous threads to understand what the history is.:)

Sounds like way too much history for me! Can I reneg?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by jrussole

Sounds like way too much history for me! Can I reneg?

---

Reneg?

What's that.. :confused:

Sorry if I sound obtuse but I don't understand the word or abbreviation.:)

By "reneg", I believe the poster means, "Can I take it back?" or "Can I change my mind?" I have heard this term before.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by jrussole

4answers if her past bothers you so much, and its not something that you can forgive, than forget her. If its something you can forgive you need to let her know. If she dosn't care, than you will get your answer and can move on.

---

I still don't think he has anything to forgive her for. She has done nothing wrong. O.K. she was promiscuous but she did this when she was not in a relationship with him, so why should any forgiveness be required?

I could understand it if someone resented someone else for thinking that they should require (or ask for) forgiveness for something that happened before they met that person (if I made sense there)

It is not as if she did anything immoral and although she may have lowered her standards, she did not lower them to the level of doing this whilst in a relationship which would be against morals since it would be cheating.

I really think that 4answers needs to accept that she has a past but not condemn her for it, just accept it and move on. If you were to come back here in 6 months and say she cheated on you and did these things again while in a relationship with you, it would be a whole different ball game.

Hi, I have recently been involved in a relationship breakdown and handled the whole situation badly.

I am aware I should have done No Contact instead of the needy way I acted, which pushed her further away.

But I was wondering, is there a best way to handle a relationship breakdown ?

What are your thoughts ?

For me, the best way to handle a relationship breakdown is to take some time to evaluate what happened and what to do next. Or if its even worth your time or effort? You can't make someone care about you, if they don't. No matter what you do. You can only tell them that you are available if and when they want to talk or embrace. Loving someone, sometimes means sacrificing your own wishes for that of the others. Rejection has a sharp edge and if your not careful it can turn around a spear you with the other matching end.

Well, there are many people here that will be able to sympathise with you. Best thing to do is try to keep as busy as possible, give yourself goals for the new year. Get fit, join clubs, go out with friends, meet up with family, best to keep active. You will have good days and bad days. You will go through many emotions, and although the whole experience is absolutely horrible, you can become a stronger person for it. We all have regrets about being needy etc, we can't help that, this is what we thought was best to do at the time. I too feel this, if I hadn't called my ex when he was thinking about ending the relationship, it might have helped. The agonising thing is we will never know the answers to some questions.

I have seen someone really go downhill after a breakup. She lost loads of weight, was drinking all the time, took 2 months off work. I decided I was not going to be like that. I had a bad time at the beginning, but I just kept going to the gym, I joined a night class etc. Drinking does not help. You need good friends to give you support, and you will find good support here.

I am pretty much going through the same thing and it is so hard! It has been 6 months now and it still hurts just like it happened yesterday! It will just take a lot of time but time does heal all wounds as they say. You will meet someone else special someday when you are ready but just take time and try new things, keep your mind off it and each day will get better and better. :o)

I am 6 months down the line too... yeah it is still hard.

First off, leave the guilt alone . Most times we want to wonder what we did to mess up this relationship and push some one away, and the truth is that it had nothing to do with you. Some times a relationship doesn't work just because, and its no ones fault, so don't be so quick to take on guilt, its no ones fault. Accept that it is over and be ready to move on. What most of us do is build a life around our partner and depend on them for our happiness and security. So unbalanced and unhealthy as well as smothering and way to needy. Its best to maintain a life you enjoy without your partner, and give them and you space to grow and do what they enjoy doing on their own. Once you accept the relationship is over, not only will you heal faster but will be much healthier moving on.

I will admit that in a lot of ways, my ex became a big part of my life and It is so easy to lose yourself in someone which is so unhealthy. When it comes to an abrupt end, you question everything and place too much blame either on yourself or the person that dumped you. In the end, it can drive you insane, thinking, thinking and thinking some more. The first month was a nightmare for me and I was a complete mess or at least, that is what I thought, totally broken up inside... Now things are much clearer and although I still hurt inside, I am in a position where I can step outside for a minute and look inwards.

The best thing you can do is to keep yourself busy, remain out of contact with your ex and begin to work on yourself... I have now taken up a couple of hobbies that I never paid any attention to while I was with her and I feel better for it.. This is a fine example of how you must still keep other areas of your life active while in a relationship. Although I did have a life outside my ex, I certainly think that some parts of my life became dormant and neglected because of my distraction with her..

Also, instead of thinking, try to feel! There is a difference. It all takes time and you will hurt for some time. Time has actually been my most powerful tool in the healing process..

So I am going to say it again because I love it so much!! TIME IS A GREAT HEALER

Everyone has a different time scale and there are no definite limits to how long it can take. I am not fully healed yet but I will tell you that I feel so much better than I did 3 months ago.

You will get there 4answers... You really will.

I have a friend who just had a break up with her husband after 30 years of marriage due to infidelity on her husbands part. She called me in the middle of the night tonight in tears. Why? Because her mother asked her, "What did you do to make him want someone else?" Talk about an insensitive mother! A lot of the time, when a relationship ends, it is the woman that gets all of the flack whether it was her fault or not. I believe it is very sad for this way of thinking. Now, on top of feeling like crap that her husband cheated on her with someone 20 years her junior, she has to be belittled by her mother of all people. I just don't get insensitive people! And probably never will! She needed support and understanding. Not a put down!

You handle a relationship breakdown by doing the no contact thing first and foremost. Then you get busy and get a life. Do the things that interest you and put yourself first. Take up new interests or "dust off" old ones. This will make you a stronger and healthier person.

I think a big mistake people make is to start over thinking, "where did I go wrong" or What if I did this?" Your so emotionally wrapped up that that's the wrong time to start play What ifs. You have to look back months maybe even years later to try and figure out what went wrong.

Sometimes relationships just end. That has to be accepted. It's not taught in movies or culture but it's a reality. A relationship cannot sustain itself if one party is absent or chooses to get out.

? Is it best to stay friends if you think you ex has a new partner.

She is not telling me anything, but she does not seem at all bothered about us not being together, it is like our time together was a bit of fun !

I am hurt that we are not together, she seems pleased. I would have thought she would have a desire to work things out.

Its like all her words were false !

I would say don't stay friends, it will hurt you too much

No contact is for healing, but once passed this stage, is it best to try to get the past partner back and risk them being with another, pushing them away etc or best not to try but let them know your available. Or aviod all aspect of contact ?

The first one shows that your available but risks the person gameplaying with your feelings till they find another, or pushing them away further because they don't want to communicate with you.

The second runs the risk of you being a dormat in the other persons eyes or being seen in the friendship way.

The third might push them to look for another because they think you are already doing that.

What's your thoughts guys ?

In what way is it best to increase your value to the other person. Is this possible ?

When you have reached the point you are healthy and can make healthy decisions, then you can best answer all those questions yourself. If you cannot, then I would suggest you have not gotten to that point in time yet.

I think you get to a point where you just wouldn't contemplate going back with an ex-partner. You are still analysing 'what happens next' when you shouldn't really care.

Tal nailed it, nailed it, nailed it! You will know when you are truly in that healthy place. More than likely, when you do reach that place, you won't give a rat's behind about that person or the games they are capable of playing because you will be busy moving forward with your life.

Ex girlfriend and I split about 3 mon!ths ago. We have had a period of no contact. But have always kept each others contact details.

She knows I did not want the split and wanted to make ammends but it was not what she wanted. However today I loged onto msn messenger only to find that she has deleted me from her contact list, not blocked me.

This hurts, its like there is no feeling left at all ! I don't want to contact her and it be unwelcome or to find she has another. But I still would like to reconsile.

I am tempted to send a message asking if it is no contact she wants, but then this is showing her that I still want her, and I am not sure if this is wise.

Is it better to be in a position of not wanting her or showing her that you want her and risk her making a fool of you ? Very confused at this point on how to proceed ?

Any suggestions on the best way to proceed ? (I have deleted her contact details from my list so that I cannot see if she is online, but I have not blocked her).

((( I don't want to appear like I am doing all the chasing, or I will be open to be made a fool of, Already did the needy ex bit! Guess I want to turn back time.. lol, not possible though !))).

??

Let it go and move on. Look forward to the time when you will have someone else's details on MSN. Take care of you.

Relationship ended, her feelings gone, all could have been resolved with communication, instead of love being lost !

Her internal switch of interest flicked to non interest and once that happened nothing I did / do makes a happeth of difference.

It just feels so wrong, she is missing out on a lot of love and there is F*** All I can do about it !

You know when you just want to sceam at the situation!! Your being forced down a road of no contact, heartbreak, pain and loss and its so not what you want ! And its so not what she wants out of life... Irony, what she wanted is what she give up... You go figure !

Where Now ! Do you continue to try whilst she moves on or do you not try and live life Knowing this is wrong ! Only to meet years later and her like you again.

So many times this has happened in the past, an ex wanting you back, so why did they part in the first place, especially since they knew they were breaking your heart.


How do you resolve the unresolveable !

She just wants something else and there's nothing you can do about it, buddy... I can sympathize. The amazing thing is how she can so clearly not give a crap, eh? YOu just have to find someone else who will treat you right.

I'll bet she didn't even say she was sorry, did she? She ain't worth the time... Impossible advice, but it's true true true my friend.

Nothing is as painful as loving someone who can care less.
Shake it off. Clear your head and heart of her. DON'T try to find answers or reasons or explanations or even regrets.
Oh and by the way, time really does heal. It may hurt to breathe right now but one day you will be able to look back...
There are many threads on this site that you can look to for more guidance on how to keep yourself busy and distracted while you heal.