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I don't know. The only person who does is your girlfriend. Ask her. That was the one thing (among so many other) that I truly appreciated about my ex. his honesty. I was too immature to give that back to him. :(
Be honest and ask her. Best of luck! Thank you for your feedbacks. Best wishes to you and I hope your luck starts to pick up! Good-Night
Being afraid of losing someone is not proof of love. Doesn't exclude it. Isn't conclusive for it.
Testing to "prove love" is really just seeking comfort in having control that you cannot seem to find within.
Well was it how you felt about him? That you were too afraid to lose him that you would test him that way? I know Im asking a lot of questions, and I appreciate your answering. You would not believe how long I have wanted to know why she does what she does, and you have finally shed the light I was waiting for. For that, I thank you.Quote:
Originally Posted by peekcachu
Be careful not to misunderstand my reasons and actions as your gf's.
We might do the same things, but have different MOTIVES for doing it. You should ask your girlfriend these questions as well. Get it from her.
Kp2171 is right: testing to "prove love" is really just seeking comfort in having control that you cannot seem to find within.
I did want control and that was wrong.
But apparently you loved him, and felt satisfaction knowing he loved you too when he would struggle to get you back after you treated him that way, correct? And you still do love him, but now miss him because he didn't take the bait the last time, right?Quote:
Originally Posted by peekcachu
Yes.
Now I finally understand why she was doing what she was doing. It all makes so much sense now. I knew there had to be a reason, I just couldn't put my finger on it. I was really getting to the point to where I was starting to believe that all the mean accusations she makes about me were true, and here the whole time it was nothing more than her acting out of her own insecurities. You have no idea how much better I feel now. The confusion is finally gone.Quote:
Originally Posted by peekcachu
Thank you so much for explaining your situation. You probably never thought it would help someone else. That one question, "why", has finally been answered after all this time. Now I finally got a huge part of my esteem back. Thank you so much for sharing all that.
so the next question to answer is why did you give it (self-esteem) away...Quote:
Originally Posted by darkdays
that's not a judgement. Lord knows most of us have done it, and still do it whether in big chunks or small increments...
but feeling better because she was feeling crappy so she made you feel crappy so she could feel better is more than a bit twisted.
and oh so human.
next trick... stop basing yourself esteem on what others say or do... or even what you feel. Start basing yourself worth on your beliefs and your actions. Find the value in your efforts, and less on the results.
its not easy to do. Our world is results oriented. But the more you focus on acting through your beliefs, the more you are content with the results, whatever they might be... and a content person can be driven, successful, and accomplished. They just don't give others their own personal power.
k.
its 12:42 and I want something chocolate.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kp2171
Attachment 29819
Attachment 29818
That
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UPDATE:
Why do I keep having these setbacks!! I'm so angry at myself. I went and googled his screen name and found him on a dating site. I went to it and read the profile (I signed up for the site). It said he was looking for a like-minded gal. So painful to read. :( WHERE IS MY WILL POWER?! Grrrrrr
It hurt so much when I found him on a dating site. I knew it was a bad idea to find out what he was up too. I've been good for 2 weeks until I slipped and texted him 3 days ago because I was worried about him (terrible storm, he has a car that does not do well in the storm) and wanted to let him know that even though it was none of my business anymore, I still hoped that he travel safely to and from where he needed to go. I got a polite "you too." That was the last contact.
I've been missing him terribly and I blocked him from all of my social network things... and I HAD to go and do this. Why does it hurt so much. I NEED and WANT to move on! Why can't I??
It's quite normal to hurt , you've lost something that was important to you , a lifestyle and a companion and now you feel you'll never have that again , right?? WRONG , once you get over this you'll have this and more again , but you need to learn from this one and not make the same mistakes again. Really it just takes time.Quote:
Originally Posted by peekcachu
Well while you keep in contact with him (texting etc. ) your just delaying it , and looking at his status on the internet hurts , you've just said it yourself so why do it??Quote:
Originally Posted by peekcachu
I mean be honest with yourself , Why did you send that text? Not to make sure he was OK but to try and get some sort of reaction , some contact back , and you got it and it wasn't what you were wanting.
So basically the only way to MOVE ON and stop it hurting so much is to STOP contact completely , and that includes looking him up on the Net etc. We can only advice you how it's done , but it's up to you to do it.
Thank you for your advice (^_^).
I really was genuionly(spelling?) worried about him. His car is old and when it rains, it does not run good. Before I texted, I prepaired myself for no response. I didn't get a response 2 weeks ago when I texted an upbeat/short/light message about maybe bowling... so I knew that he might not respond and I was o.k. with that. I wanted him to know that I was thinking of him and still cared for him.
It was a setback, but I felt good that I did that. I was honestly worried and I wanted to get it out of my system.
I think it's time to start worrying about yourself and not him , he's a big boy , he can look after himself ;)
Just let the guy be happy now, leave him alone.
I'm trying too. I know I can't be selfish, but at the same time, I'm the one for him (silly for me to say, I know).
I had to learn the hard way of why I shouldn't treat the person I love with such disrespect. I think I took the old saying "you treat the ones you love like crap because you know they will always be there for you." I NEVER should have took it literal. (-_-)
Turns out that saying isn't so true, now is it.Quote:
Originally Posted by peekcachu
Im sure you feel bad about how you treated him, but there is only so much anyone can take of having their feelings mistreated. You say you're the one for him, but when you were with him, you were not proving that you were. The one for him would be someone who would never play those games with him.
My on and off girlfriend will say the same thing when it's too late. She'll also say things like "nobody in this world loves you but me". But isn't saying things like that a bit manipulating? I've had enemies that have treated me better. Although I still love her, what she showed was not love, but control.
Are you sure that you really love this guy? Or is it that you lost control of him and now you want it back? Let's say that you would get him back. And he trusted you all over again. What then? Once you have what you want, as you did before, maybe you'll end up doing the same thing all over now that you have accomplished getting him back. My girlfriend did that. And I even asked her when she wanted to break it off again, why did she want me back only to do the same thing again. And she said, just to see if she could get me back. The way I feel about it, once you get what you want, you might not want it anymore, and then you put this poor guy who only wanted love and companionship through misery all over again.
At this moment, he's not going through that. He got himself through it, and it was probably hard to do. Why not just leave him be and not take the risk of hurting him all over again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by darkdays
I would never say that to him! My ex. Was a very social and caring person. I would tease him by saying that he will probably not miss (silly things I did) me if we broke up because he has so many company.
I want him to be happy. But at the same time, I want him to be happy with me. I want to make him happy.
But, I understand what you are saying darkdays.
This reminds me of a talk I had with an ex recently. I've always liked strong women who were perhaps more aggressive than others. Confidence is just sexy as sin. Unfortunately, the same naughtiness that's a turn on directed at me is a big problem when it goes into another bedroom.Quote:
Originally Posted by peekcachu
After the blowup. The breakup. The hurt and heartache. We finally found some safe ground where we could talk about the past in a friendly way and I lamented
"damn it. i like naughty girls. i just want them to only be that way with me"...
She just smiled and said nothing. It was actually a kind of funny moment. Probably had to be there...
UPDATE:
I saw my ex on match.com and saw that he has viewed my profile. I text and said I saw his profile and thought he was charming. I asked to meet him so we can get to know each other (as if this was our first time talking). It was casual and with no expectation (really). A day after, I got a "that sounds nice." I texted back and said that next Sunday would be a great time for us to meet. I got back a "maybe, have to see my work schedule." I texted "sounds good." I hope this is not a mistake.
OMG!! ITS A MISTAKE!!!!Quote:
Originally Posted by peekcachu
ABORT MISSION!! :eek::eek::eek:
Have you not learnt anything from your time here??
Your going straight back to square one :rolleyes:
:(:confused:
Most recent update:
And original post:Quote:
Originally Posted by peekcachu
And you still are.Quote:
Background info: dated my ex for about 3 years (3 this March). We broke up many times due to me being childish and playing games.
This is ridiculous.
Seriously?
Does he knows that this is you from your profile? Or are you hiding that?
Good question, does he know it's you?
You need to quit stalking this guy.
I don't have the patience to wait for clarification...
scenario one: he knows its you and you guys are flirting.
Don't get back together unless what was broken has been identified and addressed. Unless you just need to get back together so you can initiate the last breakup. Or something.
Sounds to me like this is another attempt to boost your ego, which we all have, but when it leads to mistake after mistake, it's a problem.
If you are flirting with him and he knows its you... all you've done is tried for the easy fix.
scenario two: he isnt aware that this is actually you
This would be a childish game. Nothing more to add.
Wish there was a scenario three... anything more palitable than the other two...
So... make me want to come back to this thread and give advice... because I'm not feeling it right now...
You're still playing games-why?
Do yourself a favour and leave him alone.
Heal and move on.
I texted him from my phone, so yes, he knows it me. I told him my name and made it honest to him that I saw him on match.com.
So it isn't the worst case scenario. That's good.
But you are flirting and looking to hook back up maybe...
All ill say there is if you both aren't willing to do a real inventory of what's been broken and how it will be different this time... you're just spinning your wheels.
And maybe you need to do that. At some point you either get traction or you get bored to death going nowhere and you stop it.
I simply see this as a "quick fix" to your not wanting to be alone.
Its OK to not want to be alone... but its not OK to play the games you've played. Honestly, if he would write in here, we'd tell him to do NC and probably run the other way... the games don't need to be played and they won't sustain your need for attention.
I understand what you are saying. I am aware of what I did to end the relationship. I am willing to put in the work.
I am very afraid that I'm getting my false hope up(again). I'm telling myself that I have to SHOW him I've changed. I'm afraid that he will give me a try again and then decide to dump me again.
But I'm getting a head of myself. Its Monday and I asked for a Sunday meeting. I'm going to let things be the way they are. If he texts me back, he texts me back. If he says he can't make it, I will be prepared for it and take it as a hint.
I've posted up photos of me before I met him to help me get my self-confidence back. I have photos of family and friends (more than normal). I know he is very hesitant to talk to me (it took him a whole day to respond to my phone text- although I wasn't even expecting a response) and I'm a afraid that he will regret his decision and I'm here thinking that there might be some hope (I will try to prepare if there isn't)
Harshness Warning
Oh get off the pity pot! My gosh you don't even need him to be a happy healthy person, nor should you even be with him, or any one else, until you are happy with yourself, and make changes to yourself, for yourself, and no one else.
That's my advice, for once take responsibility for yourself, and prove to yourself, you need no one to be happy, but you.
Then you will have something good to share, and not the needy, insecure person you are now.
Until then get real, and get busy, and tell the ex, you have work to do.
It certainly does :cool:Quote:
Originally Posted by peekcachu
You can't show someone you've pi55ed off that you've changed in one sitting , it takes time and he will only see any change if it's consistent and over a period with your actions. Anything else or rushed will just look desperate to him.Quote:
Originally Posted by peekcachu
He quite could , because at the moment your acting like a little puppy just sitting and waiting for him if he decides he wants a piece of you , I'm not for one minute suggesting he would stoop to that , but your making it available.Quote:
Originally Posted by peekcachu
Bottom line is if you want to show this guy you can change then just change , and then let time be the judge. If he sees it and thinks that you have he may just come back , but I wouldn't bank on it. Once bitten twice shy in most cases.
Update:
I am so stuck. I want to get unstuck. My mind wondered to my ex. Again tonight. I'm writing my thoughts down and reading articles and advices, but I still feel pretty poopy!
Use those feelings & lessons for someone or something down the road.
You say you want to move on, yet want to be back with him.
I say move ahead not backwards.
Who knows the things you may find & discover once you do that.
He really shouldn't be your focus anymore. Just you.
Want you want really & how you go about it.
Take a break, do some soul searching. Have patience too.
Thank you for your kinds words. I understand the honest and direct approach I've been reading, but a kind word goods a long way.
Thank you vanheart
Of course.
Once you make that decision to move on & learn from this, hopefully you can apply that to other things.
And concentrate on what's good. Both within and everything else after.
We've been there & one thing I know is that wasting time on BS. Sad feelings and wrong people don't serve us one bit.
Its all about how you spend your time.
We used to have the No Contact Calender, but it got so big, so fast, we had to move it.
It was a place member could share and support each other. Its in Members Discussions, but was a stickie
At one time.
Take a look, you will see you're hardly alone. Read the Stickies for more good ideas.
I agree and apologise if any of my posts have upset you in any way.Quote:
Originally Posted by peekcachu
Unfortunately sometimes we need to be a bit harsh until reality sinks in , particularly when the dumped fall back after making some positive steps and don't know how to get back up themselves.
We're all here to help and see you get through to the end :)
Edit: You can find the No Contact Calender threads that Tal is talking about in the link below.
Attachment 29952https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/other-member-discussions/
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