Curiosity killed the cat.

This might be easier said than done, but part of NC is to avoid reading her messages. If she sends you a message, delete it before reading it. Or have someone you trust help you delete it, so that you are not tempted.

Reading her messages will make you over-analyze and go in circles. Furthermore, if you respond, you're going to add salt to the wound. If she responds to your reply, you're going to over-analyze again. If she doesn't respond, you're going to sit and wonder what went wrong again.

NC is to help you break this cycle. Cut all contact, so that you don't add to the confusion any more. I strongly suggest you read the stickies that we've mentioned. Especially the ones about NC.

Finally, your friends are right. Go out. Meet new people. Have fun. Enjoy life.

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Originally Posted by sunsandmoons

2 girls who Ive been friends with for about 10 years actually heard of my break up and although I havent seen them in about 2 years, they contacted me, well one of them did and said they'd take me out for pizza sometime.

I actually turned down their offer because about a year ago my girlfriend made suggestions of one of them having a 'thing' for me and she made it seem like she wouldnt want me to see them.

I still kinda feel attached to my ex and so i turned these girls offer down because I sort of feel like Im betraying my ex somehow?

I dunno, this was stupid right?

they only asked me for pizza.

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This was a mistake I made. Turning people down. You need to get out as much as possible and what if that girl really does have a thing for you. Now you have to live with what if you did go? You know? I guess what I am saying is that when an opportunity presents itself, go for it! No regrets.

As for betraying your ex, that's ludacris. There is no need to be loyal to her. You are hurting yourself by thinking that way. Start being selfish. Do things for you and no one else.

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I still kind of feel attached to my ex and so I turned these girls offer down because I sort of feel like Im betraying my ex somehow?

I don't know, this was stupid right?

They only asked me for pizza.

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Right!

The girl was actually surprised when I turned her down. She wasn't offended but said, its OK for you to get out and hang out with female friends you know.

Whether sure likes me, Im only going for pizza to get out the house and to take my mind off thinking about this break up. Its not as if I'm not being loyal to my ex. You guys are right.

My ex doesn't want me, but why should nobody else be allowed me.

I wish somebody would slap some sense into me, even though I read all your guys posts and Ive read the stickies suggested over and over and over I keep acting like an idiot!

Yet even though Im saying that, I still feel like its wrong to call this girl up and tell her Ive changed my mind. Why is that?

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Originally Posted by sunsandmoons

My ex doesnt want me, but why should nobody else be allowed me.

Yet even though Im saying that, I still feel like its wrong to call this girl up and tell her Ive changed my mind. Why is that?!

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You are still not completely over the ex and that's understandable. All Im saying is that the only way you will ever get over her is to go out and have fun. Be with friends. Its just pizza. Im not saying you have to change your mind, just don't be a hermit because you feel guilty or disloyal to your ex. If that's the case then she wins, because you let her.

Yeah, see if the offer is still open.

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Originally Posted by Newguy2009

You are still not completely over the ex and thats understandable. All Im saying is that the only way you will ever get over her is to go out and have fun. Be with friends. its just pizza. Im not saying you have to change your mind, just dont be a hermit because you feel guilty or disloyal to your ex. if thats the case then she wins, because you let her.

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I appreciate what you're saying. Its just the fact that I never bothered with these girls while I had a girlfriend. I didn't really have any female friends, while she hung out with males but that was OK for her because they were in her class at school haha. I was never really around females and when I suggested I had female friends too, this was a big issue.

I just worry that if I go hang out with them and she finds out, she'll be saying something like of see, I knew one of them had a thing for him, he probably had a thing for her to blah blah. Funny that Ive known them for a decade, don't you think if I was interested I would have made some sort of move by now?

But yeah I get what you're saying. I bet if the shoe was on the other foot and it was her being asked to hang out with some guys, she wouldn't turn down the chance. Regardless of whether she would or not, Ive let this same situation happen to me in a previous relationship. After we broke up the girl wanted to be friends and I said no. She then was hanging out with a bunch of guys etc while I sat at home fretting.

It was easier with that girl though, she clearly said, I don't want you anymore, I want to see what's out there.

This girl has suddenly spun it like she's doing this for me!

I think what's making this no contact thing hard is, this is all on her. She can't make up her mind what she wants.

I feel like I needed to end one of my conversations with her by saying 'you need to decide what you want, when you're interested in a serious relationship, let me know'

Ive never had the chance to say this and I think that's why I kind of feel like Im in limbo.

When someone can't make their mind up,you disappear.

You make your own choices,about your own life,including pizzas.

It does NOT matter what your ex thinks now.

She is your EX.

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Originally Posted by sunsandmoons

I just worry that if I go hang out with them and she finds out, she'll be saying something like of see, I knew one of them had a thing for him, he probably had a thing for her to blah blah. Funny that Ive known them for a decade, dont you think if I was interested I would have made some sort of move by now?!

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I still fail to realize why you care what she thinks. She gave up that priveledge when she left. This woman sounds like a psychotic control freak. Be glad you are rid of her. It sounds like there were trust issues in your relationship. You say you were friends for decades with these girls and she didn't trust you. That makes her insecure as well. I personally would not want someone like this in my life

The beauty of being single is that you can now do whatever you want with whomever you want. So go do it!

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I just worry that if I go hang out with them and she finds out,

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That's so whupped of you.

He's whooped and not even getting none!

I appreciate what you guys have said and in logic all your comments are valid but I feel hooked because she's simply stated she left me because she doesn't want me to put up with her .

Isn't this a gracious act?

I know you guys are probably sick of my stupid posts by now but can somebody just lay this bit out clearly for me.

Is she doing it to protect my feelings? And if so, should I have second thoughts about disappearing?

I always always think of other peoples feelings before my own. Just the way she's gone about this makes me think she might not be as 'bad' as she appears. I always give people the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes I got shot in the foot but I always give them a fair chance.

Dude, this is not for you at all. Think about it. "Hey babe, I care about you so much that I want to leave you. I know you love me and this will make you suffer but somehow I have to try and let you believe that this is for you. Can you please believe this is for you? I sure don't but maybe you will if you love me. Please suffer for me while I do what I have to. Okay? This is for you so just remember that kitty cat. Thank you my love!"
Time to grow a pair man and stop day dreaming.

When and how will I stop being an idiot?

Please help.

Really,let this go now.
She broke up with you and you should be starting your new life,make new friends and stop fretting about the past.

Make a conscious choice to move on,for your own sake.

Hey guy, when you have had enough of this battle between your heart, and your head, you will end it.

Its only been a few weeks by my estimate, so the wounds are pretty raw still, but eventually you will tire of letting the feelings rule your life, and cope with them in a positive way.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by sunsandmoons

When and how will i stop being an idiot?

please help.

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When? When you decide to stop letting it rule your life. First, stop the chit chat crap! The next time she contacts you, if she contacts you, simply say I'm moving on with my life, take care, good bye. After that have NO, NONE, NADA communication with her. Next... keep telling yourself, "It's over and I have to move on." Say this each and every time you have thoughts of her. This will condition yourself to the reality that, she left you and it's over.

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Originally Posted by Imabadman

When? When you decide to stop letting it rule your life. First, stop the chit chat crap! The next time she contacts you, if she contacts you, simply say I'm moving on with my life, take care, good bye. After that have NO, NONE, NADA communication with her. Next... keep telling yourself, "It's over and I have to move on." Say this each and everytime you have thoughts of her. This will condition yourself to the reality that, she left you and it's over.

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Its funny you suggest this.

She actually called today in tears and said Ive made a huge mistake, I'm really sorry, I love you and want you back. I said, sorry but Im moving on with my life. She said how could I be moving on already and how could it be this easy, that Im just dropping it after all this time. I replied 'you dropped me' then she maintained she did it for me or 'us' but I don't see that. I said take care and good bye. She then said, frankly I don't think you want me back so I don't know why Im bothering to try, thanks for making that clear, goodbye.

She just guilted me into thinking it was my fault again.

Also, Ive removed her from my phone contacts but she actually called my house phone.

She's just laid it on me like that to take the guilt off her shoulders.

Hopefully now she won't call me again. If she does I'll just hang up. We don't have caller ID on the home phone so I'll have to answer those calls then hang up.

That's a course of action that will work, just hang up, since everything is your fault any way LOL.

You don't have to accept her throwing her guilt on you though, that's also an option.

Great you didn't cave.

You did well-round of applause!

Don't buy into the guilttrip scenario.

Can you block her numbers from your landline?

Thanks I appreciate it.

It actually felt good not to cave!

After I spoke to her on the phone the other day and kind of suggested I won't be around she pretty much said fine, if you give us up that easy, I'll just go get with somebody else.

I was quite shocked at this and asked why. She said, well I don't like being alone so I'll just go and seek comfort in somebody else. I said even if you don't like them, she said well yeah I'll just get to know them and like them. She then said being hurt makes you do stupid things...

This is quite worrying right? Seems I may have dodged a bullet.

I agree,I guess she knocked herself off the pedestal.

It always helps when people show their true colours.

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Originally Posted by amicon

I agree,I guess she knocked herself off the pedestal.

It always helps when people show their true colours.

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Certainly did.

Why do some people do that?

I had a friend who got dumped, so on that weekend he went out and slept with a girl he'd met.

Is this something to learn from and look out for in the future, people who can't be alone?

That's why there should be no hurry to give your heart to someone.

It pays to be sure the deserve your trust, and only by going slow and paying attention can you see the real them.

Never rush into a relationship.

Taking time getting to know people is a good idea.

Its funny because Ive always taken time to get to know girls, more so this time.

I got friendly with her and after about 3 months we started dating for about 3 months then she actually said to me, how come you haven't made this exclusive yet, are you going to, I'm interested in something serious. I hadn't spotted anything by that time so I said sure.

All was fine, then one or two points cropped up but because she never seemed that willing to talk about things, for example she thought one or two short conversations where I did all the talking would clear the issue. At the end of these conversations I was still left confused and if I brought it up again she'd say, we already discussed this. So I think the bad communication is what caused a lot of this. So then she goes away to school and finds out that its terrible. She has a hard time with the work, she lives with inconsiderate people and sleeps about 4 hours per night.

Problems that cropped up, she was even less rational to talk about them and instead of even entertaining the conversation, she just wouldn't have it. So everything ending in an argument. It got too much and she asked to break up. Said she'd be better once she got home.

Look at yourself… your making excuses for her dumping you. Why don't you stop analyzing her every thought and action and realize it’s over, done, finished?

Hey I realize it hurts, been there myself. But listen you need to get beyond this delusion that everything is going to change when she gets home. You’re living on empty promises, false hope, and worse yet… you’re waiting on it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Imabadman

Look at yourself… your making excuses for her dumping you. Why don't you stop analyzing her every thought and action and realize it’s over, done, finished?

Hey I realize it hurts, been there myself. But listen you need to get beyond this delusion that everything is going to change when she gets home. You’re living on empty promises, false hope, and worse yet… you’re waiting on it.

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Oh no, sorry I was just saying.

I realise I don't want to give it another go. It was too much work and because of the bad communication, nothing ever got solved.

Just stating what happened so somebody may be able to point out where it went wrong. Nothing major stands out, except not communicating well so I need to figure out what things to notice in the future that might tell the start of a bad relationship.

Thanks

Look,throughout your relationship the communication didn't work,she broke up with you rather than solving the problems.

Sorry to be harsh,but stop trying flog a dead horse.

Whatever her reasons,ideas,thoughts etc-it doesn't matter anymore.