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but I just feel that this is a whole separate issue and I don't know what approach to take with it.

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The issues may be different, but the solution is the same.

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We got through it with a lot of talking and problem solving...

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Stick with what works.

OK so everything is his, he is mooching off you, you pay all the bills and his outstanding debt? Where is his responsibility for his actions? 10 grand in debt is a nasty thing to get your girl friend to pay for.

So what are you getting out of this? His love and devotion? Sounds like you moved in with him while he already had the lease. There is no monetary value to a lease unless you can sublet so having your name on that is no biggie.

I entered into a marriage with my eyes wide open. I had no debt at all. She had credit cards and student loans and a mortgage. I got put on the mortgage and the rest of the debt. I pay the mortgage she pays the rest but we OWN everything.

As for COMMON LAW, most places is 6 months these days so you own half of everything.

So, if you want to break up, change the locks keep the place and send his belongings to the address that he forwards.
After all if you live there, you live there and the laws favor... women. Just KEEP THE RENT RECEIPTS!!

With the rent, it gets paid automatically out of his account. So I transfer the money to his account and then he transfers it to our landlord. I'm just worried that if anything were to ever happen, then our landlord will just say that he is the one that can stay because he is on the lease and I'm not.

I really just am over he whole situation. I am 19 and I feel so pulled down by everything. I should be out having fun and not worrying about this kind of crap right now, at this point in my life. I guess it makes it harder for me because I also have no family or parents so it's not like I could ever just go home if something were to ever happen with my partner and I. I'm screwed from every angle.

No matter how little, save a few bucks for yourself, that only you have access to. Sometimes it's a matter of doing things to cover your own a$$, that gives you confidence and security.

Yeah if the paper trail is in his name then in court he wins.
You need to reconstruct everything as far as finances go so it is clear to anybody looking that he hasn't paid a dime and you have been supporting him where it applies. Don't out money in his acct.
If you have to, set up an acct specifically for bills.
You also need to get tough on him about money.
Like my boyfriend gives me $50. A week but then he almost always borrows it back through the week and still claims he gives me money. He blows money and then he gets on me for spending $20. A week at flea markets and on things I like to do.
I am cracking down on him as much as possible.
Keep a journal on where all your money goes as well as any money he gives you for whatever reasons.

Since you pay for everything you are capable of getting your own place and building a life for yourself. You don't need him and you shouldn't settle. You should be out enjoying life and shouldn't feel pulled down. I think you're a strong women with your priorities in order. You can do it without him but I don't think he can without you. You deserve so much more.

So I haven't been on here in a while so I thought I would give an update to the situation.

Firstly, the money. Things are still a bit tight but I am currently starting to save my own money in my own account that he can't access. I feel like I'm betraying him a bit because having that account is really a security for if anything happens and I don't want him to feel like I'm EXPECTING anything to happen. If something happens though, he has somewhere to live whereas I more than likely won't so I think I'm fully justified but I'm not sure if he sees it that way.

Secondly, we have been working on our communication skills a lot. When I start to feel jealousy or anything like that popping up I say to myself that I can't control anything or any other person does and that I need to stop living my life cautiously as if anything bad was going to happen any minute now. I tell myself that he is loving, caring, kind, affectionate, supportive and loyal and this really does actually help a lot to have these kinds of affirmations. I mean, I don't want to be saying that to myself forever, but the way I see it... I feel untrusting because of my history so it feels like being automatically negative about situtions is just an in built behaviour to protect myself, so with careful consideration and planning I hope that eventually I will be able to see things in a different way. My problem comes though when I find that my boyfriend still keeps secrets. I have asked him for the time being to please be more open and considerate, just until we get past these problems. He told me that he wanted to do that and work on this with me as much as possible, and then I find out that he has been invited to parties by some girls and he has kept it from me! I asked him why he didn't tell me and all he keeps saying is, I forgot. I haven't hounded the situation with him, I know that he probably has to adjust too but I feel like I'm putting in more effort about this then he is. Any other suggestions?

Thanks :)

How do you forget to ask your wife to go with you while your getting ready and planning to leave? That just doesn't work for me. You make sure "I forgot" doesn't work for you either. Ask him how would he feel if you forgot, when you go out to a party?

Give them and inch, they will take a mile. That's the downside of letting unacceptable behavior slide.

Threads merged

My boyfriend and I have been living together for about a year now and lately it just seems like her is never at home in the evenings. He attends uni during the day and I work, but then I get home and he is never there because he has other commitments, like his part time job twice a week, music rehearsals three times a week! So all up he is gone 5 nights a week, while I'm at home feeling lonely and cooking dinner for myself. There has just been a really big shift in our schedules and its so hard trying to keep up with each other. Its really starting to have its toll on our relationship where I resent each other and so we keep fighting a lot when we do actually get to see each other. Ideas, thoughts?

Talk to each other about your resentments and make the time you do spend together matter. Welcome to the real world... this is how a lot of younger couples spend their time living together, with extreme schedules and very little time for each other.

Time apart makes life lonely, I know. But, to put things in perspective, think about our allied forces serving overseas for several months at a time. I know a woman who hasn't seen her newborn child in months. She had the baby, and 6 weeks later she's in Iraq.

Think about their situation, and be grateful for all the time you have with your man. Seems a little better, huh? The schedules will get better in time, right? Until then, do like KC said make the most out of the time you do have. Do special things.

Time apart can be tough, I know. I work nights and hubby works days. We never get to see each other, but when we do it's special.

Try to sit him down and work out a better schedule. But like others have pointd out, it's not about quantity, it's about quality. But quantity can be nice too. So try to find some compromise so that the two of you can spend more time together.

You should have your own things to do every evening. Why just sit, and be lonely, when you could be enjoying your time, and freedom??

You would have no resentments, or fights, if you were busy yourself.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You should have your own things to do every evening. Why just sit, and be lonely, when you could be enjoying your time, and freedom???

You would have no resentments, or fights, if you were busy yourself.

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I had to spread the rep, but that's what I was going to say.

Go out and have fun, rather than sitting at home and waiting around. Take up some new hobbies, make new friends. Then if he comes home and you're not there, it will give him time to miss you too. =)

Threads merged
My boyfriend and I have been together for a while now and we have always been quite open about our previous sexual relations but although I have never told him, it really really gets to me how many girls he has slept with. I don't know what to do about it. Any suggestions?

If you love him, you should be able to overlook it.

I think just overlooking it would be ignoring my feelings about it though.

Everybody has a past. It's what makes us who we are today.

You are his present and that's all that matters.

Leave the past where it belongs... in the past.

As far as getting over it, if you can't, it may be because you are young and inexperienced with men. It's your own insecurities. There is nothing your boyfriend can do to change his past. It's up to you to get past it and I have no suggestions on how to do that, other than to tell yourself over and over that it is unimportant to the relationship you two have now.

If it's in the past why does he still talk about the other girls that he has had sex with? It makes me feel like I have a lot to live up to, and the fact that he says these other girls were hot and pretty makes me feel low.

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Originally Posted by pixiegurl

If it's in the past why does he still talk about the other girls that he has had sex with? It makes me feel like I have a lot to live up to, and the fact that he says these other girls were hot and pretty makes me feel low.

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Tell him how he is making you feel and also tell him that bragging about his sexual conquests is very immature and chauvinistic.
Sounds like he needs to stoke his own ego.

Now that you have added more details, I think you should definitely tell him how it makes you feel when he talks about his past sex life.

I totally agree with Artlady. That is extremely immature.

It's normal to have open, honest talk about sex. In fact, it's necessary.

But what you're describing is out of line.

When something bothers you, you got to speak up. This applies to anything involved in a relationship. Otherwise you will just be bottling things up and making the relationship more tense.

Communication is key.

I don't think it's the number of partners that's the problem, it's the fact that he's glorifying it. It's demeaning to you.

I guess it all depends when he said all of this. If it was before you two got together, than it is not his fault.

Everyone's going to have a past, like it or not. As long as they don't dwell on it it shouldn't be a problem. There's no need to be jealous if your boyfriend has had more sexual partners than you. After all, it really doesn't matter whether you've slept with one other person or 100 other people.

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Originally Posted by pixiegurl

If it's in the past why does he still talk about the other girls that he has had sex with? It makes me feel like I have a lot to live up to, and the fact that he says these other girls were hot and pretty makes me feel low.

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Then just politely ask him not to talk about it. Like I said, one's past only becomes a problem when one dwells on it.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/womens...me-341824.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental...er-368498.html

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Originally Posted by jolienoire

Are you afraid of failure? It seems to me fear is holding you back from moving forward, you fear to be alone, you fear being depressed, you fear that counseling just won't work, when you really are not trying to look at the positive aspect.

Tell me what are your fears?

I totally understand everything you said and it seems to me that you fear something.
Only you can make these things happen. But first try to change your outlook on life.

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Your looking for love, and happiness, in all the wrong places, and you seem to expect someone to make you happy. He is not the one for that, unless you overcome your fear, and learn to love yourself enough to stop allowing his bad behavior to hurt you, even if it means getting rid of him, and being on your own..

Its you who feel bad when he glorifies his past sexual conquests, and this is not a show of love, and caring on his part. It sounds like he uses it for revenge against you to intentionally make you feel bad. That's not love, and whatever other problems your having, stem from one place, lack of love for yourself. That's what you need to learn.

True true-we need to learn to love ourselves-heal ourselves and then we can have happy and fullfilling relationships.

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Originally Posted by Survivor07

I don't think it's the number of partners that's the problem, it's the fact that he's glorifying it. It's demeaning to you.

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Can't rep you but I agree.Seems like typical bullying behavior.
Shooting someone down to build themselves up.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. We have had many ups and downs throughout the relationship, including me working through a mental disorder. Things are finally going smooth for us except for one problem. He has a friend that I just do not get along with at all. They have been close friends for a few years now and she doesn't trust me and I don't trust her. This is not a jealousy thing at all because her and I have known each other a lot longer then my partner and her have known each other. There is a lot of history between us which ended with a mutual friend of ours not talking to me and spreading rumours about me. Now she doesn't trust that I am good enough for my boyfriend and I don't trust her either. What is tearing me up is that my boyfriend feels like he has to choose, her or me. I don't want him to pick a side or stop being friends with her, I just want him to understand that we will never get along. He gets upset when I refuse to see her, and I feel resentful of myself because I don't want to put him in that kind of position. Should I bite the bullet and make amends with my boyfriends friend or should he just respect the fact that I don't like her and that we don't get along?

If your boyfriend loved and respected you he should listen to you and accept your choice in the matter.
You should not be forced to go against your own wishes.
If he can't see this, I would ask myself,what I was doing with him.

Explain to him that while he is free to still be friends with who he wants, you won't be a part of it. My fiancé has friends that I don't like, I just don't go out with them when she goes out with her. She has her friends that I don't like and I have my friends that she doesn't like.