Which part am I over analizing, the new relationship(if any)

I guess one of the reasons I stayed as long as I did was I have never had to work so hard in a relationship and it was like I wanted to prove something to him, like I matter and am worthy of loving, he said to me he loved me but wasn't in love with me, how could he be if he was gawking at every woman that walked by, not just looking, I don't mind that, but actually staring to the point that when I was speaking he didn't even hear me, that hurts

I am sorry about the things you're going through. It's hard letting go of someone we have loved and who has proven themselves to be the kind of person we never thought he could be... The warning signs, the drinking, the porn, the pills, they are HUGE red flags that tell you he is not the kind of person you need.

It is going to be lonely for a while , but don't let yourself think you can fix him, you can't. Please do not take this man back, he is troubled and the only thing which will fix him is him wanting help. I am very troubled for you and I hope you take the advice the experts on this site have given you. God Bless








["Let's face it, so many of our problems are caused by people who take advantage of us, misuse us, or are jut plain hard to get along with "... Rev. Billy Graham/QUOTE]

I hear a lot of people say, the love I seek does not exist thts a disappointment if it is true

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by unsurenow

i guess one of the reasons i stayed as long as i did was i have never had to work so hard in a relationship and it was like i wanted to ptove something to him,,like I matter and am worthy of loving,,he said to me he loved me but wansnt in love

---

I have loved people who I was not in love with and I have fallen out of love once with someone who I believed I truly loved so it can happen!

Many times with young people they confuse lust with love and the lust tends to run out with some people at the two year mark.
This is a time when many young men lose interest.

You ARE WORTHY of loving and you need to not just say that but believe it and know that no one verifies that for you because it is real,it just is.

Stop over thinking this and torturing yourself.It serves NO purpose.You may never know what happened.Life still goes on :)

It is time to move on ,enjoy these young years ,they are gone so fast you have to get out and have a life!

The right guy is out there. Give yourself time to heal and when you're not even expecting it you will probably meet him.. Blessings

He is 47 now what? I noticed he posts his self on singles site as age 35 to 40, I know he is hating getting old, how long does that last.. his insecurites leaked into mine( I had a little of my own without his help) due to abuse I had endured from my first husband. Now I'm feeling even more insecure, I'm 47 and I feel like men our age want youg girls, I don't want a young guy, I have nothing in common with them even though they are young hotties, big deal

Know what I think? I think you are wanting someone who will tell you to give him a second or third chance and I feel you won't get that advice!

There are woman in this world who like the "bad boy". Those women think'"I love him and I can fix him", WRONG. Don't you see a cycle here? First husband abusive and now a boyfriend who is just as bad. There are people on this site who are very intelligent who probably have PHDS and Masters degrees. Listen to them and listen to the ones who have been where you are.


Please listen to this. You cannot fix him. He is only going to keep on manipulating you because he sees you as just another one of his objects. His porn and his pills, and his drinking and cheating should give you a clue that he is damaged. You know what the next step will be if it hasn't happened already? Abuse pyhsical and mental, although he's already emotionally abused you. Let Go. Move ON and Thank you're lucky stars you're rid of him.

No, not loking for anyone to tell me to give him anymore chances, just venting my feelings, I know I continue the tortureby going on my Facebook, I removed him as a friend right after we broke up , and I still look, he keeps adding new women, almost like to show me he has game.I don't know he is damged and its sad because I know his damage will ruin lives, it almost ruined mine.I wish these women the best, but I'm thinking they will; recognize things quicker unless I taught him to hide things even better. The truth will come to light eventually.. I need to stop looking at his page.. it makes me sad for a minute but then I remind myself, if he had of loved me, he would not be behaving like this.He is lost.

I have college degrees as well, I never set out to find a BAD boy, who the heck sees them coming, yes we can see some flags but who knows what a person is really capable of, if you notice I did say I have dated some great men, so it is not that I am looking for anyone to fix, but unfortunately when you love someone you feel helpless when they are lost.Im just compassionate but its not healthy for me and I do not want to fix anyone.They need to see they have a problem.He has promised to change, but its all talk, he is so used to sneaking around w o getting caught, he was married 20 years and his wife short from saying, kind of warned me that he was not a good dad and that he had exposed his son to a lot.

Good For You... You keep telling yourself you are worth more than this guy. Start building yourself up and get your confidence back.. Be Strong and remember, you have friends . Bless You

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by unsurenow

when a man cheats on you, begs you back and treats you well for a few months and disrespects you yet again, is he worth ever taking back?

---

NO. There is no such things are second chances. With the experience I have with dating. HISTORY repeats itself. Just look around you, nothing will ever change, countries will always fight over the same thing over and over and over again. There is no such thing as change and this can be applied to your daily life. People don't change. If they do, they will slowly go back to the way they where before because that is who they are, its in their genes. Unless a person changes for themselves, there is no hope. If a person changes for you, they will eventually turn right back into the same person. Sure it might take a couple months, maybe even 20 years later, but at some point in their life they are who they are. ONCE a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater. ONCE a thief, ALWAYS a thief. Its like when you lie, once you know you can get away with it, what makes you stop? Can someone only tell one lie in their whole life? Once you cheat, and get away with it, would you never cheat again? These are questions you have to ask yourself. Save your dignity and leave with your head up high. Not only having a good life will be the biggest revenge but showing the other person that you could careless what they are doing is the best revenge you could ever have. No go, you know what to do.

I agree with artlady. Some people can change and sure the world might seem a little screwed up, but we have so much to be thankful for. The guy we are talking about has treated unsurenow horribly. It's up to him to change. There are wonderful people in this world who have turned themselves around and have made contributions to the world. This guy and porn is one who is very questionable.

I think so too, I think the reason my ex is a troubled man is because he has crossed other boundaries thathe knew were wrong, like messing around while he was married thou he denies it was during the marriage, other things he has said were contradicting, messing I the neighbors wife because she said she was going toleave her husband and when he finds out theyr still married he continues the friendship with her? Selling her viagra soshe can use with the new lover? Somany weird things I had to put up with(well I didn't HAVE to) I DID put up with.. what if the new girl he posted on Facebook gets the MAN I wanted him to be, thhat sux.but I guess I had something to do with his new behavior? NOT he isn't going to change anytime soon.he will get bored again and continue

HE IS A PLAYER! Let these women find out for themselves!. With all his cheating aren't you scared of an STD? Be thankful you didn't have children with this man.

Heck you, but I always had check ups and I'm clean, so maybe he didn't do it more than he one time with me.. I was just asking my friend if she thought that the new girl could win him over, like several books say, if she made him wait a while for sex, it took us a month and a half and it didn't make a difference , but catch him and keep him says, you have to be an unforgetttable woman for a man to stop and think, I'm not sure that after he has dated so many, he bragged about, that one woman could win him over.. I guess I'm still wondering why not me? I know the answers, they just hurt.. the truth hurts but will be what saves me

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Adapa

NO. There is no such things are second chances. With the exp. I have with dating. HISTORY repeats itself. Just look around you, nothing will ever change, countries will always fight over the same thing over and over and over again. There is no such thing as change and this can be applied to your daily life. People don't change. If they do, they will slowly go back to the way they where before because that is who they are, its in their genes. Unless a person changes for themselves, there is no hope. If a person changes for you, they will eventually turn right back into the same person. Sure it might take a couple months, maybe even 20 years later, but at some point in their life they are who they are. ONCE a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater. ONCE a thief, ALWAYS a thief. Its like when you lie, once you know you can get away with it, what makes you stop? Can someone only tell one lie in their whole life? Once you cheat, and get away with it, would you never cheat again? These are questions you have to ask yourself. Save your dignity and leave with your head up high. Not only having a good life will be the biggest revenge but showing the other person that you could careless what they are doing is the best revenge you could ever have. No go, you know what to do.

---

And who are you to make such blanket statements?

" There is no such thing as change and this can be applied to your daily life. " This couldn't be more wrong.

People CAN, and DO change every day. I would be a little more careful advising someone to "apply" such negative nonsense to their "daily life".

I am not telling her to stay with this cheater, I am just shooting down your theory.

There are "changelings" on this site.

I am one of them.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by jmjoseph

And who are you to make such blanket statements?

" There is no such thing as change and this can be applied to your daily life. " This couldn't be more wrong.

People CAN, and DO change every day. I would be a little more careful advising someone to "apply" such negative nonsense to their "daily life".

I am not telling her to stay with this cheater, I am just shooting down your theory.

There are "changelings" on this site.

I am one of them.

---

BLAH. I guess my posts are a little angry, but that's just because I am not in the best of moods right now. ;)

Aw I'm sorry your not in the best mood right now, I get that way too.. we just lose faith in people sometimes

How did u change yourself Jm? Did it take long?

Don't worry about his new girlfriend. Start fresh and start feeling good about yourself. I've given you all the advice I can so take care and seek out old friends. If you are a Christian read your Bible and ask God's help.
He will help you get through this... If you aren't a Christian but you believe in God seek his answers.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Adapa

BLAH. I guess my posts are a little angry, but thats just because I am not in the best of moods right now. ;)

---

I am not going to steal this thread but maybe you can start a new one with your problem.
Lots of people here to listen and care.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Adapa

BLAH. I guess my posts are a little angry, but thats just because I am not in the best of moods right now. ;)

---

That's understandable. However, people sometimes come here for advise when they are at the end of their rope. To tell someone to give up all hope of the person in question making a change for the better, is almost as bad as telling someone to simply quit trying.

These answers are on here for all to see. Will you feel the same when your mood changes? If so, use caution. Please.

And the "genetic connection" ? I would like to see facts on that assumption.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by artlady

I am not going to steal this thread but maybe you can start a new one with your problem.
Lots of people here to listen and care.

---

Artsy... Psssst ;)


https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...do-443973.html

I am just going to point out that most advice here says exactly what Adapa has said, heal, and move on.

We all know people can change, but how long would you live with them in misery before they do? We also know that people have to want to change, so how long do you wait for that to happen?

Come on guys, even though this was said in anger, this is what we tell others all the time, don't wait, and hope for change, go No Contact and heal.

That's because after people heal, and can see things a lot clearly, they can make better decisions about how to proceed with their lives.

Not to hijack this thread, just to point out the real message, and not get caught up in the negative emotion it was delivered in.

I have worked with children who have been brought up in some of the worst circumstances imaginable. Their mother and fathers have been alcoholics, drug addicted. Some of them had mothers or fathers who lived with a boyfriend or girlfriend in atomspheres that were to say the least unacceptable. These kids pulled themselves out and now are teachers and lawyers and servicemen and women. So saying something bad like drug addiction and alcoholism is passed on genetically is very far fetched. Also I have seen parents who have gone to AA and have beaten their addiction. They are still alcoholics they don't drink, because they know they can't. The people who are pedophiles who prey upon innocent children and woman who murder their sweet little children, I think they are unredeemable and They should be given a death sentence. God will judge them and give them either justice or mercy.. As for me I believe in justice. I also believe they aren't born this way. Ted Bundy said porngraphy was the reason he turned to the life he led. I don't know if he was telling the truth or not. I do think it's one of the worst things that has happened to our society. We all have to make choices. We also have to live with the choices we make.

Healing is possible especially when I visit this site, its so hard to have questions in my head and not know the real answer, but with all the nswers I get on here , although we don't know it all to be facts, we can onlu go by the most obvious, thanks for being so supportive , this almost feels like I'm writing in my diary and my diary has many friends in it that speak back to me, so in a sense it is better than having a lifeless diary.. this is the living diary yes !

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Kitkat22

I have worked with children who have been brought up in some of the worst circumstances imaginable. Their mother and fathers have been alcoholics, drug addicted. Some of them had mothers or fathers who lived with a boyfriend or girlfriend in atomspheres that were to say the least unacceptable. These kids pulled themselves out and now are teachers and lawyers and servicemen and women. So saying something bad like drug addiction and alcoholism is passed on genetically is very far fetched. Also I have seen parents who have gone to AA and have beaten their addiction. They are still alcoholics but they don't drink, because they know they can't.

---

OH wow, I am SO SORRY. I didn't want to come off sounding like that people are who their parents are and its in their genes. I meant to sound say is that once you are who you are, then there is really no changing yourself. People can change, but they have to change for themselves first. I meant to say is that if someone changes to be with you, then they will slowly go back to the way they were.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by unsurenow

healing is possible especially when i visit this site,,its so hard to have questions in my head and not know the real answer, but with all the nswers i get on here , although we dont know it all to be facts, we can onlu go by the most obvious, thx for being so supportive , this almost feels like im writing in my diary and my diary has many friends in it that speak back to me, so in a sense it is better than having a lifeless diary..this is the living diary yes !

---

I hope you feel better, and I hope that you can understand what I was trying to say. This is your diary! And guess what, I want you to make a promise to me. Okay? Because I want you to come back to this site, and see all your pain you went through, and when you have finally gotten what you wanted out of life you're going to come back here and see all the pain you went through and you're going to inspiration for everyone on here, even me. I too will come back to this site when I am fully healed from my exp. And we can all laugh about it, how we have grown and see how our lives are now. We will both think back and think, "why did i care so much?"

Everyone and their uncle has told me, "Everyone goes through this at some point in our lives." I believe that God/Jesus does this to us to test our faith. I believe that these things have to hurt, that God/Jesus makes us hurt so we can learn to love someone even better. I promise you that your next love will be the best, and everyone after that it will get better and better and better, and God/Jesus is doing this to us, so that when we finally go over to the other side we know how to love everyone. He wants us to know how to love because he loves us.

May god bless you and your choices in life, and always remember that I, and everyone on this forum cares about you. If we all hold hands, anything is possible.

Love you,
Adapa

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by unsurenow

healing is possible especially when i visit this site,,its so hard to have questions in my head and not know the real answer, but with all the nswers i get on here , although we dont know it all to be facts, we can onlu go by the most obvious, thx for being so supportive , this almost feels like im writing in my diary and my diary has many friends in it that speak back to me, so in a sense it is better than having a lifeless diary..this is the living diary yes !

---

ABOVE ALL Believe in yourself!!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

I am just going to point out that most advice here says exactly what Adapa has said, heal, and move on.

We all know people can change, but how long would you live with them in misery before they do? We also know that people have to want to change, so how long do you wait for that to happen?

Come on guys, even though this was said in anger, this is what we tell others all the time, don't wait, and hope for change, go No Contact and heal.

Thats because after people heal, and can see things a lot clearly, they can make better decisions about how to proceed with their lives.

Not to hijack this thread, just to point out the real message, and not get caught up in the negative emotion it was delivered in.

---

That is an excellent question... How long will you live in misery with someone? I did it before ,won't do it again!:eek:

(I'm Guessing ) At one time in our life all of us , men and women have come across the "charmer" . The handsome man or beautiful woman who made you feel as if you were the most wonderful, person in the world. Then you marry him and a few weeks later he shows his true colors. You are shocked because you are nineteen years old and you've never seen you're dad hit your mother or any male in your family being disrespectful to their wife or any other women. So you think . "I'm doing something wrong" and you stay and cry and hope and pray he'll change. Three years later you finally get the nerve to fight back and you do fight back because you have a small child who is going to have to live in that hell with you. You fly two thousand miles back home bearing bruises and scars. Then you are home where you feel safe. He calls a thousand times swearing he'll change. I didn't fall for it. I had had enough.

He didn't change, he is still an alcoholic, still abusive and has been to the three wives after me. Thank goodness God blessed me with a strong family and he gave me the wonderful man I have been married too for so many years and my daughter calls him Dad cause he is really the only Dad she has ever known. I'm sorry (maybe TMI )but I agree that some don't change. As for me, I don't think we should clump all those people together in one group. It's hard to feel sorry for these woman you see in your work place or on TV who have stayed with a man who abuses them mentally or physically and they say , "I love him so much, or my children need their father". THAT IS BULL! Children do not need to be in that situation. One bad apple doesn't spoil the whole bunch.there are wonderful men out there. Thanks for letting me vent! I love all of you

So today is another day, things still flow through my mind, but I find myself quieting those thoughts, because I know HE is not good for me. Like Tina Turner said "Whats LOVE got to do with it?"

What's crazy is, I have an ad on a singles site not that I can't meet men traditionally because I do... these men are relentless.. first saying they can't find a woman who wants a committed relationship, that all they (the women)want to do is have sex and play games, followed by the question, so, do you have a nice butt? Wth who is the real game player here? Red flaggs! It crax me up though and this clown called me a sexy cougar, another red flag.. please Lord not this again, I hate dating!

Love doesn't seem to have much to do with your single's site either.. .
Once you've healed from the cheating waste of space, I'm sure you'll meet a decent guy.
There are guite a few of them out there.

Singles sites, some of them are dangerous. Don't jump out of one horrible situation into another. Spend some time with your feelings and find yorself.. I don't know what else I can add, so good luck.

Oh I ve been on them on and off for years, and I have met some pretty good people a lot of them are friends now..

Good luck... Gotta go now.

I was thinking about valentines day and I will not be sad that day because looking back at the last one with the ex, it's a bad memory, after I went through all the trouble to find his favorite bottle of grey goose and put it in a valentine bag w an I love you balloon tied to it and a card that said happy valentines, w chocolate lips, guess what this ingrate did? He took the bottle out, talked about how feminine the bag was with all the pink, said he hated chocolate and just let me know that it is supposed to be the guy that does this, well why didn't you then? These memories help me heal faster.I wish someone would have gone through all that trouble for me.. wish he would have LOVED and appreciated that someone actually loved him so much.. his loss

I think buying booze for an alcoholic was the wrong thing to do. You need to stop dwelling on this and move on. You have a child and she is watching your life. Be a good role model. Valentines Day is like any other day if he doesn't treat you like a human being all year, it's not going to be any different on any special occasion. Really I have no other advice I can give you. You alone have to to take the path you choose, and the consequences or rewards the path brings.

I don't have a child who is watching , they are already grown, no one is dwelling and I'm not looking for advice, just finding things that I remember that were "bad" is what helps me realize even more why staying away from him is the best thing for me. I am writing my thoughts down as I heal, don't need anyone to necessarily give me advice, maybe this will help others who may be going through a breakup.. not to romancitize the past but to remember things that were nt working. I'm sure you had your ways of healing, this is my way.plus when I bought the bottle I wasn't aware of HIS problem.I only saw him on the weekends.other responders are welcome.

Well its been over nine weeks now, the pain is still very much present. I still find myself crying and wishing he would wake up and see what he has done.Last text I got from him was over two weeks ago, the only thing I did was sent him an email link to a song that made me think of him, that was on Vday.its a song called I AM by Mary J Blige. You should check it out on you tube. He didn't respond and I really didn't want him to. I know my life is better without him, but I can't help but wonder how he can move on after being such an to me. I feel like every time a NEW chick came around, that I was demoted.I still haven't been able to feel happiness within, I'm still going through nightmares and hope in my heart that he will see the light. I know its wishful thinking and that a person like him can not see the light if they don't see their mistakes and correct them.I just torture myself wondering if the NEW girl or girls, are getting the sweet man side and that he won't treat them like he did me, and why me? I was good to this man.I would love to hear from someone who is or has gone through the same feelings and thoughts, really don't want to hear what I know, not to dwell, I am not, just going through the process an need to hear other that know what I mean.

Thx

What you call wishful thinking, I call false hope.

Your expecting a snake not to bite, a bee not to sting. That's not reality, its false hope. See him for what he is a lying cheater who will show his sweet side to fool any he deals with.

That's who he is, and hoping he will change will accomplish nothing. You can change yourself though and must accept he is who he is, and stop letting him hurt you again and again, and that means no more texts or contact of any kind, for ant reason, and you start rebuilding your life with people, places, and things you enjoy.

Your not alone in your hurt, we all have been bitten by a snake and stung by a bee, and lived to find a better way of living than messing with dangerous critters.