Oh no... I have finally pushed him too far!!

He wrote me an email that his is NOT talking about it again... NOT getting into us... and the only way this is going to come to a conclusion is for one of us to finish it for good... that he is moving out... and he's not talking about it anymore.

I think I might have had a chance... but I totally ruined it by pleading with him to move home in a month and that I would do anything to show him that I support him.

What have I done??

I have just ruined any chance whatsoever that he had to write "the only was to come to a conclusion is to finish it for good"..

So that means that it wasn't over for good?? And I pushed him into that by casually talking to him when he talked to me... and by telling him how much I wanted to be with him etc.

This is the worst I have ever felt in my life... How do you get through this. I know everyone is going to say NC... but I don't see how I am ever going to get through this now. I had hope and things were fine. But then I let my emotions run and now I messed it all up!!

How do you stop hating yourself?

You need to hear and understand what he is telling you.

He is moving on and however painful that is you must accept it.

The best thing you can do now is to restart total 100% NC and stick to it.

Clinging on to false hope is not doing you any favours.
Begging and pleading is not doing you any favours either.

I know you are hurting but you must let this go and start healing.

I know I do - but I can't help beating myself up that if I could have just given him his space that maybe when he got of the plane in a month - he might have realized that he missed me and want to come home!

Now I am stuck in our apartment just waiting for the day when he comes to get his stuff. He said he will only come and get it when he knows I am not here - and is scared about coming back.

Why do they make up these horrible things about you in their head? Just two days ago he was messaging me - and now he wants nothing to do with me.

Now I am stuck here - while he is off thinking I am this horrible person (said I was too emotional and hysterical - and that is why he isn't coming home).

I just wish he could feel an ounce of how I am feeling.

How can NC heal all this? I will always hate myself for not giving him his space and just trying to keep my emotions in check!!

Whose on the lease?
Are you going to be staying in the flat?
If so,you could box all his stuff up and store it somewhere he can pick it up,or have a friend deliver it to him.

I can't tell you what's going on in his mind, I can,however advice you to start regaining your selfrespect and realise that we are all human and make mistakes.

So stop beating yourself up and start making plans for your own future.

Having no contact will help you as it stops all false hope and overanalyzing their words and thoughts.

We are both on the lease for another 6 months - but he said he will pay until the lease is up.

I am staying in the flat with our flatmate.

He told me I could do whatever I wanted to with his stuff - destroy it if I wanted. I told him that I was not vindictive - and would never do that. At one point in the conversation though I did get mad and said "Fine I will pack up all your and move it to where you will be staying!!!" That did not go over very well. Told him I would never talk to him again - which did not go over very well either. He said that he didn't say he never wanted to talk to me - that was up to me! HEAD GAMES!

I am thinking I might pack it up and put it in the storage unit - so when he does come to get it - he will realize that I got it through my head.

I am so upset and hurt and mad right now. Why would he be talking to me and even told me that last week he was thinking of staying cause it would be easier. Then I messed it up by trying to plead with him that I would do everything to support him this year. BUt not realizing that by having these conversations I was doing the exact opposite!

Store it away-out of sight-or ship it to him.

And stop trying to secondguess his thoughts it is pointless as nobody except him,knows what he is thinking.

How do you forgive yourself for going to the lowest depths and begging and pleading?

How am I ever going to forgive myself? I KNEW that this behaviour would push him away and I still did it.

If you're doing NC, then do it properly.

Block him from email, so that he can't email you. Block him from IM, so that he can't IM you. Don't pick up his calls, change numbers if you have to.

As for his things, box them up and ask a friend to hide them for you (i.e. even if it has to be in a different house) so that you don't get tempted to look at his things.

Pretend as if he doesn't exist. Otherwise, you're just going to prolong the pain and suffering, as you are doing now.

Every time you break the NC rules, you reset the progress that you've made.
You need to take this one day at the time. You can't expect to recover so quickly. Furthermore, since you've been in contact with him so recently, you haven't really recovered much.

I strongly suggest that you re-read the links in my signature concening NC.

You didn't push him away at all, he was already gone. The only mistake you made was breaking NC, because of false hope.

Now you can take all the blame, and beat yourself up all you want, it will not help you see the reality of your situation.

This has been winding down for quite sometime, and you both could not completely let go. He has an advantage as for sure he was planning this long before he actually left.

Now you have to get through the shock of it actually happening and accept it.

The false hope is gone. Handle your business, cry, and heal, as your attempt at NC your way didn't work, so now take our suggestions and do this the right way.

Maybe as bad as this whole thing ended - especially my horrible disgusting begging behaviour - I now have a definite answer. I kept asking him before if there was a chance? If this was just a break? If he never saw us together again to tell me - and he always came up with "I don't know".

At least now I know.

Complete NC.

Will he stop thinking I am crazy and not be scared to come get his stuff? I would never do any to harm him or his stuff - and the thought that he is thinking these things is really painful.

My brother in law said that he understands why he thought this way and would be scared if a girl was crying, begging, etc, etc.

How do I hold my head high now?

You hold your head up high because you have nothing to be ashamed of.
I'm betting nearly everyone on this board has done what you did at least once in their lives.
It's human,so forgive yourself asap-as in right now.

Total NC now,make that a promise to yourself.

I feel for you and know where you are coming from. So, let me say this:

Dwelling on the 'shoulds' of past times, is fruitless. You did the best you knew how to do at the time. Quit digging up old bones of old regrettable experiances. All they are doing is clouding your mind when you are trying to respond to today's fantastic opportunities.

Also, the only person hurting you right now, is YOU. Take the time to dig yourself respect out of the garbage can, and stop letting people hurt you. It doesn't matter what he thinks about anything anymore.

I am only on day 2 of NC and it is terrible! Knowing that he thinks that I am an emotional nutbar is hurting so much. I know I need to let it go - but it is so hard.

I have decided to train for a race - so that is at least a goal where I have to take baby steps everyday - hopefully keep my mind off things.

Will he ever remember the good times - and the last interaction he has of me diminish over time? I feel like he had the easy way out - convince himself that I am going to ruin his life - and use our last conversation as an example (even though he called me to tell me that he had officially emailed someone about another place)...

I am so mad at all this - and it all feels unfair and unjustified. All I did was try to show him that I loved him - didn't threaten him or his belongings. This really sucks.

Is it possible to go through enough heart aches ( and break-ups) that you just give up on the idea of ever finding someone to truly love and try to be OK with the idea of being alone.

Physical activity is excellent-get the feelgood endorphins going will make you feel better.

It doesn't matter what or how he feels-what matters is that you stop thinking you have acted like a fool.

Tell yourself that you are worthy of a proper,happy relationship-when you are ready,and have healed from this breakup.

This breakup will only make you a stronger, more aware individual.
If you allow yourself to be.

Give yourself time to heal. Most of us are here because of the very same thing.

There are good things around the corner.

I know good things are around the corner... as I have been through this before. But I also know how long it takes. And that scares me. I am also scared that I won't meet someone who fits the mold - like my ex did.

I am having a really bad day today - I keep breaking down. I start to pack some of his things - but then it hurts too much - and I am reminded of how much of a failure I am - and how everyone else I know is living in a happy relationship.

I don't want him to move out - and I just wish he could come get his stuff now so this pain isn't prolonged. It just hurts too much to pack it all up - but I know I have to.

I didn't think it could hurt this much. :(

Can your flatmate help you pack his stuff up? Then put it away,so you won't have to see the things.

You are not a failure-you have just come out of a failed relationship and that happens to us all at one point or another.
Give yourself time to heal,as you know you will.

I just can't forgive myself. I had a guy who wanted to commit to me the minute I stepped off that plane a year ago. A guy who was trying to work hard to give "us" the best future possible and just wanted to love me. He constantly flowered me with priase and love. I was more attracted to him than anyone I have ever been with and we were best friends for 16 years.

I can't get over how I ruined my chances - I will never again get the chance to build a life with my best friend of 16 years who I have been in love with on and off since I was 16.

All I did was resist it and find faults. I would look for reasons to be mad etc. - but he was always loyal and never gave me any reason to suspect that I wasn't the girl "of his dreams" as he used to say.

He once told me that I was like one of his organs - that he wouldn't be able to live without me.

How will I EVER find anything like that again? I just don't believe you can - and I can't stop being mad that I ruined it - I had everything I had ever wanted - and now it is all gone - and I have zero hope that anything like that will ever exist again...

I find it helps to look at people's actions-words and phrases are just that.

Anyone can say anything to anybody,but when push comes to shove-its about how people act and handle conflict,problems etc.

I would knock this guy off the pedistal if I were you.
Nobody is perfect.

As for finding love again,you will,though you may not believe me today.

Healing and working through your own issues will help you find a more compatible partner next time.

Yeah, listen to yourself.

I will never find another, I can't forgive myself.

C'mon. Stop putting blame on yourself, that's not going to help.

Don't cry too hard over someone that's gone.

If he was the one, then he would be there. Sometimes people say all sorts of things, but can't deliver, or maybe change.

Yours now is to put your thoughts on new things. And to take care of yourself. Not dwell.

Spend your time elsewhere. Put him out of your vocabulary.

Let me know when you're through ranting from your pity pot, and ready to harness the positive energy, and not the negative.

Truth be told the facts say you are finally free to pursue your own happiness.

Gain strength from the fact, that loving yourself is your goal, not finding another guy to warm your bed or fill your life with false hope.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by hopeflies

How will I EVER find anything like that again? I just don't believe you can - and I can't stop being mad that I ruined it - I had everything I had ever wanted - and now it is all gone - and I have zero hope that anything like that will ever exist again.....

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6+ billion other people in the world. Once you've met them all, then you can tell us that you won't ever find that kind of happiness again.

Though you might feel a lot of pain now, in the end, it's still an experience. The next step is to take this experience and channel it into positive energy.

Many have had painful break ups. Many have thought that they could not find love again. But the truth is, what we learned from our past relationships actually help us for the next relationship because we try to avoid making the same mistakes.

The past will always be at the back of minds, but life goes on and we can't keep living in the past, but we can learn from the past and make a better future.

Thank you for your responses - just seeing that there are people out there when you are struggling so bad - makes things better.

The sad thing is - I know these things and would offer others the same advice.

I just can't pull myself out of this slump. My work, sleep, eating - everything is being effected by this.

I have tried being active as much as I can, joining a new sport, talking with friends and family - but nothing is helping.

I have never felt this bad from a break-up before in my life. Last year he broke up with me before xmas - and I felt like this - but then we got back together after 2 weeks - I can't imagine feeling like this for the next few months - I don't want to feel this bad anymore - but I can't stop it!

You can stop it by staying focused on healing rather than staying stuck overwhelmed by grief.
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Some things can't be rushed. It takes time to get over a person. Take it one step at the time. You can't expect yourself to get over this in one night. Be patient with yourself. Don't beat yourself up.

My dad says that same thing - that what has happened has happened - no amount of analysing and saying "if only I had done this - or that...." will change anything - and just look forward.

The only problem is that I have made these mistakes with my previous boyfriend (before this one) and now this one - seems like I didn't learn from my mistakes - and I allowed another relationship to crumble before my eyes.

I want to focus on healing - like you guys say - I want to move on - I want to stop the pity party - I just don't know how!

I have wrote someone about volunteering, emailed old friends, joined this and that, gym, etc, etc - do I just keep faking it till I make it?

Someone at work emailed me today "is everything ok - you don't seem like your normal happy self".. I didn't realise it is written all over my face -

I really want to move on - and be happy - I really do!

Faking it till you make it is not a bad thing-have a plan of action for your entire day,as in jump out of bed-into the shower-make breakfast etc etc.
We all make mistakes-not once but twice and frequently more times than that.
Make another plan to work on your issues so that you learn from them.
Maybe see a therapist to get help sorting it out?

I am seeing a therapist - I started seeing him about 8 months ago due to all of our fighting - but we have not made much progress because I am always in "crisis" mode because my boyfriend was breaking up with me almost every other week.

It was hard to get down to working on my own issues. The only reason I started going was to figure out my part in why we were fighting so much - we had agreed to work on the relationship - but when push came to shove - my boyfriend said that he wasn't willing to give up an hour working on us when he could be studying.

I know I know - I shouldn't look back - I just wish I could have dealt with my own issues before it was too late. But every time he broke up with me (which was usually every time we had an arguement) it took me days to recover and I was so angry at him for it. I don't think he realised how emotionally taxing it was to here "I am done! I am moving out!" almost every week!

Look-and I'm going to be harsh-an emotionally incompetent man who keeps threatening to break up with you at the drop of a hat has kept you in 'crisis mode' and you haven't been able to work on you?
Do you realise how you have allowed your need for his approval to run your life?

You are well rid of him.
You deserve better.

Thank you Amicon - I just wish I could get this through my head - which would make getting through this much easier.

My therapist has said that I have a choice in all this as well - that it is not up to him what happens - that I can make the decision as well to end this once and for all and move on - that my ex is not the one who is forcing me to do it.

My father also said that him breaking up with me so often was some form of emotional abuse and I am better off without him and that the next girl will probably go through the same ordeal. (Although he is a bit biased!) ;)

I just wish I could stop loving him - maybe people are right and it is more of an attachement (or co-dependency) than actual love - I don't know.

I just know that I want to be happy again and enjoy life - and be the smiley, happy person that I always used to be!

Well,they are both right-and I think you need a major detox from the so and so.
Knock him of that darn pedistal-he's an emotional incompetent, prince b****y charming he is NOT.
Be willing to work on YOU now and get help that will see how you can change this pattern of getting involved with dysfunctional wastes of space.
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For someone who claims they want to move on, you sure hold fast to excuses why you can't move on.

What he put you through is over, you just have to accept it, and let go.

Can't is not an option, and you are no longer in crisis mode. You're simply just stuck, and need some positive actions by YOU to get unstuck.

So tell us, what do you do for YOU!!!

So far all we have heard is what you are doing because of him!

I want to let go! I really do - I just don't know how. I try to not think about it - I try to exercise - I try to get involved - I try and I try.

I packed up his things last night - I have not had a drink in over 2 weeks.

I want to just write him a letter saying that I am done - that I agree breaking up is the best thing for us - for my own sanity - but I know that EVERYONE will say not to.

How do I get closure on this? He has been able to shut me out of his life now - made me out to be this horrible person and can easily get over me because he is mad. He won't even face me when he comes home to get his stuff. I wish he could feel an ounce of my pain.

I feel if I could just let him know that I agree that I could save face a bit... and maybe down the track we could be friends. We were friends for 16 years!

The funny thing is that sometimes we don't get closure, and even if we did that doesn't change things.

As hard as it is now, it gets easier with time & effort spent in the positive direction. (ie: focusing on you, your future, not him or the past)

Its been almost 9mo. For me after a 5 year relationship & I sometimes still feel tweaks of rejection & anger, but have learned to let them pass quickly.
As those thoughts do not serve me in any positive way.

It sounds like your taking the right steps and getting some smart & solid advice.

Take things one step at a time. And don't even worry about a friendship with him until your heart heals. You may find by that time that you won't desire those things.

There's other friendships to be had.

Closure=Acceptance

Once you accept the reality that things just wont work, you will have all the closure you need to move on and rebuild yourself and your life.

Anything else is your emotions, and grief talking to you, fueled by the false hope, that they can stay in your life, and you can be happy they are.

Some might, but face the fact and ACCEPT that you cannot, because you have not healed.

Closure is what people want when they cannot accept reality.

Maybe once he actually moves home and gets his stuff it will sink in and I will be able to accept it.

Even packing his stuff up felt good - but there is still that glimer of hope that once he comes home and actually has to leave - he may change his mind.

I just want to fast forward 3 weeks when he is gone.

Maybe it is better to wait and leave a note on his boxes that says I understand his need to focus on his studies this year - and I agree that this was probably the best thing we could do for both of us - good luck - and hope we can be friends later on.

Stuff is just stuff.

And yes, fast forward to being happy, but regardless of him. Don't wait for him to change back. Its time for you to change now.

One thing that helped me was to realize that my ex was not my end all and obviously wasn't right for me.

After all, we brokeup twice. No reason looking for a third time. Friends don't do that.

Honestly, you don't owe him another second of your precious time.

You've already given, and allowed him to drive.

You are the one in control now.

But he doesn't know that - and that is what is so hard to accept.

I need him to know that I am OK with this (even if it is a lie). That I don't need him to be happy. Right now I am sure he thinks I am pathetic and I will be pining over him like every other girl in his life. I think he actually enjoys having girls go crazy after him. I have been friends with him for 16 years - and that has always happened. I don't want to be added to his list of "crazy" girls.

I am starting to think that maybe he drove them crazy! Even the one he had in high school 16 years ago.

You no longer need to take his feelings into consideration.

Who cares what he thinks, says or does now.

Just you. Its all about you, dear.

And well deserved from the sound of things.