Friend of ours in work don't know as she has said nothing and it isn't my place to say anything.. Even the guy that got me stressed doesn't know... and she works with him! The chair is to big to be taken out by friends amicon it took 2 guys an hour to get it in... Besides which it isn't my chair and as has been stated I owe her nothing I isn't paying for its removal that's up to her she broke it off not me.. Any damage to my house will also be paid by her (Not being aggressive but its my home) I was considering doing nothing but that would make my recovery longer and land me with a bill for new locks and alarm (As she has the remote to control it... Just don't understand why she doesn't get the stuff exchanged quickly... lets move on and get on.. Im not an aggressive person and we never had an argument or raised word even in the breakup so she knows I won't kick off about it,

Im hoping it isn't a case of more games to linger this on as I know the chair means an awful lot to her..

Ok-I'll go with Friend4u's option-short,polite email telling her she has until such and such a date to arrange the removal of the chair-all costs to be paid by her-plus posting your keys back to you-pronto!

There is a rumour in work that we have split but no one actually knows they assume but don't know.. hence the questions of fight for her and the rest... people want info because the guy that was pressuring me is one of the senior managers and works closely with her.. The staff are curious because they know we haven't spoken to each other and are waiting for this other guys reaction but there hasn't been one so I know he doesn't know... anyway that's a side issue...

Thanks... It does make me a bit sad that I have to break NC.. I will wait a week and see if any arrangements come through but I guess even if they do I have to break NC to agree it.. Oh well start again haha.. I will get there in the end!

It all seems like one long game to me... Im not analyzing it as such but if you read back there were weird texts then accusations by her that she wudnt be playing the game by my rules then the try to butter me up bit today coupled with the lack of getting personal stuff back (After 6 weeks now) its just dragging it out... I wouldn't mind if the damm thing was in the garage but it's a constant reminder when I get out of bed.. Not good

Your going to be breaking NC for a good reason and to resolve a situation that is delaying the healing , that's why I think in this case an email is fine. Your not doing it for the wrong reasons which so many Dumpees do to try to get some sort of reaction and interaction from their Ex and leaves them hanging with False Hope.

Seems to me your trying to get control of the situation and in my opinion that's a good thing.

Well,she should have had the decency to return your keys immediately after the breakup.
I guess a week's a good timelimit as regards the chair.
I gave my ex a month to pick his stuff up-then I gave it to Oxfam.

I would if I could get the damm thing out! The keys may be the trade of.. she knows I won't get rid of it while she has the house keys... as I say and others have said you can't understand a woman's brain... But I know if it was me I would want my things back asp if I was the breaker... Something doesn't smell right to me I don't know why it just doesn't... Even after the breakup she knew I had already got and wrapped all her xmas stuff and I still said look its over they were bought for you just take them... nothing.. She had bought my little girl (Stays with me every week lives with her mum) presents and the child knew that but didn't have the decency to let her have them or even mention them.. Thats her choice of course but you don't do that to kids (She is only 12)... anyway the email it is a week today.. then I burn it after chopping it up to get it out haha... Joking

Peace... 1.. 2.. 3... 4.. 6.. 6.. 7.. 8.. 9.. 10 I'm calm and back in NC mode

Sorry about your daughters pressies- your well shot of your ex I think.
You could save the chair for Guy Fawkes.. .
As for understanding women,being one myself, we're all different.

It's 1115 pm here so good night.
Have a good day tomorrow.

As are men... goodnight

Hi Guys another day done and NC sort of didn't come off.. Had to talk to her about work stuff on the phone but I did not bring in the relationship or anything like that.. Then got an email of her asking if I was OK... I didn't reply.. She phoned and said she hoped I didn't think she was coming across short with me.. I said no everything is fine and left it at that... Strange sort of day but I'm off now till Thursday and she is off till Saturday so won't have to go there again this week, It amazing how far my feeling have changed I still miss her and have feelings but they are slowly going further back.. When I saw her yesterday she looked really pale and drawn (Shes petite anyway) but didn't look well... Anyhow its another successful day... Oh no mention of the return of the things from her... whats new 6 days and she gets the email... Payday tomorrow so no excuse for it not to be removed by her... Thanks all hope all OK

Yes you did well-workrelated conversations that are a must don't count in my book-so you're still NCing along nicely!

It really does get better day by day and it's good you've got those days off.

Hope you get your keys back soon though, what a pain in the neck.

Thanks amicon, yes it is I was hoping that I wouldn't have to do the asking but she still has 6 days... She keeps putting these smiley face things like this :-) at the end of emails its as if its trying to provoke me I would have thought she realised that I was keeping it formal but she is a strange creature and very deep

Oh forgot to say.. I found a way of feeling good about me.. I put a profile on a dating site... Didnt join or anything just put it up (I isn't ready after almost 7 weeks) but I got loads of mail (God knows what's in them you can't open them until you join) but it makes you feel that she isn't the only one and others are interested I find it boosts ye confidence

No you need to be properly over the ex before you start thinking about dating again-though having one's confidence boosted is nice. :-)

Day off today and tried to fill the day but I hurt... One thing I've learnt over the last week or so is that no matter how hard to pretend to yourself you can't stop the feelings you have... Not ashamed to admit it but I found myself crying today going back over memories I have with her,, Its hard and it hurts but I know I'm another day closer to being at peace with myself... Im sure some will say that I deserve the pain and hurt for telling a lie and I do deserve it.. I didn't mean to do it and it wasn't a cover up of anything it was my way of saying I needed her at the time but I couldn't because I felt so weak at the time and didn't want to come across that way... I have learnt a big lesson so please don't judge me.. I paid the ultimate price for not just the fib but maybe for not being as open with how I felt right through the time with her.. NC for 1 week today.. Yes she's further away but I'm that little bit more acceptant of the situation.. I will know when I am ready to move on and that for me will be when the phone goes and I don't look for her number or when I pass her in work and don't want to hold her... That time will come... how long it takes I don't know I just know I have to get htrough each day as it comes thanks for reading all

Crying's good for you-it relieves tension.

We're not here to judge you-you are well aware that you made a mistake and the person you need to forgive now is yourself.


You!re doing very well with the NC.
It gets better-one day at the time.

You have time off,keep busy,maybe see your daughter?

NC can and is the hardest thing I've ever done... your natural instinct is to go towards and confront what is causing the pain... but by doing that you cause more pain because you get rejected and the circle doesn't end.. I don't know suppose its different for everyone but its hard... Still nothing about this damm chair or my keys... daughter at the weekend so that will keep me busy she's growing so quick amicon thanks you are like a guardian angel on a shoulder that slaps you every time you get weak.. (Thats a good thing) thanks

I'm not slapping you- I'm just flapping my wings.. . Thanks for the confidence.

The beauty of this site is we're all strangers trying to help each other out!

As for keys etc you have your own deadline, so stick to it.

Spend some great time with your daughter, our children are the most precious beings on the planet.
And don't they just grow up quick, my son's seventeen and he towers over me by thirty centimetres.

Hi guys,haven't been on for a while, hope a;; is OK... Well wwhere am I in my recover.. well no keys and no exchange of things and the final curtain still evades me... I have stopped looking for the txs finally afer 8 weeks but I can't come to the final resolution until things are exchanged... I don't know why she feels that she wants to hang on to them or leave her stuff here.. I have given another deadline of Thursday 04th Feb.. that was last week by email again... she replied and said she didn't feel she wanted to collect them and would pass my keys and stuff when she does get her things... she has said that she will get removal men to do it.. Thats when I gave Thursday as the day.. Ive heard nothing since and I'm hoping that will be an end to it... If they don't turn up then I guess I'm in limbo and will not bother anymore.. so frustrating and I explained in the NICE email that the keys are symbolic to me... they were me letting her into my little world and for me to get closure I wanted them back and her to collect her things... Anyway keep you updated... Thanks all

This time I suggest you stick to the deadline and if it's not met-get rid of the chair and change your locks.
You've given her plenty of chances to act like an adult and do the right thing.

Time to be tough and NOT let her play you for a fool anylonger!

Amicon, I totally agree with you... I feel that I am being played with and kept hanging but no more the time has come to end this charade once and for all... A close friend of both off ours spoke to me last week he said she had talked to him and blamed herself as well as me for the split.. I asked him not to talk to me about it (I knew I was getting stronger after that)... She text me last week asked if I was going to a work mates leaving party as she wouldn't go if I was... As it would make it easier for me!. I didn't reply.. She didn't go and neither did I... Why should I feed her guilt and self asteem by replying... 3 days to go we wioll see if the chainsaw has a day of destiny with a chair soon enough haha.. Thanks all

You did well by not replying to her text! I hope you feel that you are moving on- I think you are.
I hope you won't have to oil that chainsaw-but remember- you are in charge.
If she can't act like a grownup and sort those things out-well tough- her loss.
.

It is very childish amicon.. I think I gave a reasonable reason why I wanted the things exchanged and its no shame on my part to say that these things are the last link and I want them gone.. I actually feel a little bit of power in this now(Its not about winning or losing I know) but for me the dragging of the heals and the unwillingness to swap the stuff makes me believe that she is unsure and wants to cling on to the last things.. (I may be wrong) but I view it that way and it gives me strength that I am acting in a reasonable adult way... NC forever now it does work if you are strong enough..

Yes,she may be ,but whatever her reasons are, you keep moving on with your life.
Nc forever is a good mantra!

Thanks amicon.. The tide does change if you are strong enough and believe in yourself... I use a simple tool now to help me... A.L.E. (haha) it stands for Accept the past... Learn from it and your mistakes... Evaluate your future... Becuase there is one for everyone it doesn't stop when another human being doesn't want to share it with you.. It just means that you get twice the pleasure from it... Thanks all

Now that is REAL ALE!
Come back and tell us how it goes. :-)

I will amicon.. Im sure I will have to remove the things myself but you never know she may decide to grow up and either show what game she is playing or removals men turn up Thursday we shall see.. either way I can walk away knowing I was grown up (After the initial please don't do this and all the crap you do) x

Warning-May be a bit harsh!

I have followed this thread from the beginning, and I am sure you appreciate the suggestions and support Friend, and Amicon have given you. But when I came across this,

Quote:

---

So frustrating and I explained in the NICE email that the keys are symbolic to me... they were me letting her into my little world and for me to get closure I wanted them back and her to collect her things...

---

Being a guy, I have sort of lived by the mantra, say what you mean, and mean what you say, and think you left this exchange thing go far to long, dwells on it to long, and let this whole thing carry you to some unrealistic tangents. When you confronted her about it, instead of coming straight out about YOUR KEYS, you make them some sort of symbol your conveying about this truly being over.

Nice try at sympathy, but the facts say you hemmed and hawed over your stuff but did nothing, until you finally got the courage to take action, and get results. On your terms, no less.


I suppose you had to get through the process a bit, to be fair, you did finally do it. But in no way blame her for your inaction, not completely at least.
You don't get to lay blame, while not taking responsibility for your actions, or in this case, inaction.

Failing to recognize your part in a failed relationship is a certain sign that the mistakes will be repeated yet again.

Be aware of these lessons you have learned, as you are well on the way to healing, and moving on.

Talaniman Rule-Never date a co worker. No matter how good she smells.

Good Luck!

Thanks Talaniman, I agree with some of your statements and comments in that I failed at first to act decisiverly in respect to MY KEYS.. I think that was my way of not accepting that it was over and I Don't blame her for my inaction, I expect from ANYONE in a relationship or not to behave in a respectful manner, withholding property that belongs to another person is such a manner and I found it fard and still do find it hard to accept. I made several requests for her to collect her things without deadlines as I thought that was me being respectful of another individual however, that time has gone and now I WANT MY THINGS BACK! End of. Hers will be given to charity once my deadline has passed which I feel is the most appropriate and adult way to handle things.. No one is to blame for the split it was a 50/50 thing and the relationship wasn't strong enough for it to make it through that's the bottom line I think.. I have learnt a lot and the consequences of male pride and not asking for help or affection at a time you need it in the right manner.. I received a text of her today asking if I was OK and hoping I was good! I didn't reply and you know what.. I actually found it quite easy not to.I just deleted and carried on.. No mention of the exchange and I'm sure it won't happen.. You know what... I don't care!! I will change my locks and give away the things and when she eventually asks for the things I will be honest, truthful and explain my reasons in an adult way. God I feel good... Many thanks for all your responses it ahs given me strength to carry the NC through bless you all...

Sorry withholding property is not a respectful or adult thing to do.. not as stated in my previous post

Back again and well the deadline passed and nothing so I have changed the locks and the charity came and took her things today.. I got a text off her on Monday saying she had only just got some text of my over the work do thing and asking if I was OK with lots of?? at the end.. I didn't reply.. Then on Wednesday she rang my workphone.. let it ring twice and she hung up (Prob expecting me to ring back) I didn't I figuared that if it was important and about work she would have left a message... Anyway the final act is done and I got rid of the past at last.. I do feel better about doing it but still feel it is sad that I had to give the things to charity... Im sure at some point I will have to explain my actions but I gave enough time and notice for the things to be gone... Time to move forward... Thamk you all for your advice and words it has really helped and got me to a place were I'm finally comfortable after 9 weeks... I have learnt a lot and will take that forward with me... I don't blame myself anymore in fact I don't blame anyone... I have fond memories and that's what matters.. I will post again but thank you all so much... x

Before I go, I spoke to a close friend of ours on Tuesday and he told me she had spoken to him and blamed herself as much as me for the split.. He kind of summed up how I came to a peace in myself when he asked me to answer the following things..

1. Do you know what went wrong from your perspective and what you did?

Answer... Yes

2. Did you apologise and explain the reasons for it?

Answer.. Yes

3. Have you learnt from the experience and you own failings?

Answer... Yes

4. Have you told her how you feel about her?

Answer... Yes


Then you can do no more and should walk away proud that you had the courage to face your shortcomings and learn from them (In the end). I will learn from all this and the 1 thing I will take away is that you must share what you are feeling inside and not push people away when you feel you can't tell them.. Letting someone in means just that.. You let them into you, not just your home or your bed and its not a bad thing to admit you can't deal with a situation.. It takes more strength to admit weakness than to hide it with a lie... Take care all

End of chapter,lesson learned(I hope) and life goes on.
Take good care of yourself.

I have and I will.. thanks amicon

Come back with updates if you feel you need to.
Happy weekend!

Hi all, back again... My ex has text me asking how I am and am I OK... I haven't replied but don't get why she is doing it now... I did speak to her after my last post as I felt strong enough too and just wanted MY closure.. She said she had forgiven me for my lie and fully understood and accepted why I had done it but couldn't forget the way it made her feel... I accepted that and told her that I hoped she would find what she wanted and to take care... Havent contacted her since but now the texts have started from her... I do still have the feelings but I don't want to break NC.. any advice

Hi- I'm glad you're feeling better.
'She can't forget how it made her feel'-that comment from your ex makes me think you should ignore her texts.

It is not as if she is saying,I understand,I forgive you,and lets try and work this not.

Remember,you made a mistake and her reaction,was to break it off.

Thanks Amicon.. I didn't understand her comment really.. If I knew how it made her feel I might have got it but there was no explanation she just said she couldn't forget how the lie made her feel. The confusing thing for me was that I was conmpletely forgiven and she had understood the reasons for me doing it (I was under a lot of pressure) (No excuse I know).. I have ignored her and I will continue to as she did with me when she broke it off... Its not to get her back for the ignorance but for me to be able to continue to heal... I kind off look at it this way... I can't be friends (Not for a while anyway), she doesn't want me in her life in the relationship so why do you want to know if I'm OK? You don't! I don't know what the play is here but I isn't playing no more.. If somebody doesn't want you in there life and the other person finally accepts it then please let them go and don't keep them reminding of it.. I will keep to NC and see what comes next.. Thanks guys

Wise to keep no contact as you need nothing else to heal, and being curious about her feelings (any woman's really) will not help.

If you think about it lying is a deal breaker for new romances, as it brings up trust issues and she didn't want to deal with it. Had she been the one to lie, you would certainly have second thought about her, I believe.

Plus as Amicon says her breaking up about it, instead of being willing to work things out, is a big indication this romance wasn't worth the effort involved.

Maybe its for the best, but next time just don't lie about your actions.

Talaniman, thank you.. You can be harsh but you are always true... I know I made a mistake an I paid for it.. There are reasons behind it and I ended up hospitalised because of those reasons.. I went through a breakdown and didn't know how to ask for help.. I owned up to the lie straight away and accept my actions and the consequences.. I don't and have never lied before and never will again... It was one of those moments in life you regret but learn from... Bottom line ask for help don't be a plank and hide it... Thanks all I really appreciate the advice and will keep the NC

You keep NC and keep swimming!
Good luck!