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You're right. I'm trying anything to make myself feel better and that includes trying to make it seem like she did something wrong. I know that's wrong of me. I just feel like a terrible person for what I've done. I never want to lie to anybody ever again.
Another question I have is, had I told the truth from the beginning, do you think she would have reacted differently? I can't help but play the "what if" scenario in my head. She said she wanted a fresh start and to forget about the past, so I'm wondering if she would have gotten past the fact I slept with someone else. I don't see it as being a legitimate reason for not wanting to get back together, since we were broken up and I was single, but you never know with women, especially my ex. That was my fear and that's why I lied. I figured the truth would push her away for good. Stupid thinking on my part.
Don't worry about the "what if's" now. What's done is done. Your energy is better spent on reasoning with yourself as to why you do these things and how to become a better person.
Well then I am going to try to correct the past mistakes and work on not lying. I just always have to remember, no matter how much the truth may hurt someone, it is way better than the truth coming out after you've repeatedly lied about it.
UPDATE:
I spoke to my ex last night. She told me that she will never forgive me or forget what I did. She says its over because I lied. She said that she will never trust me again and never want to be with me again.
She says it was the lie, but then says she can't get over the fact that her and I had unprotected sex numerous times after I had slept with someone else. Here's where I get confused and maybe someone can shed light on this.
My one night stand happened in July, shortly after, my ex and I started sleeping together, even though we weren't back together. She didn't ask me if I had been with anyone else until last month, which I lied about, and after which we had unprotected sex once.
So my question is, was I supposed to disclose to her that I had slept with someone one time even though she didn't ask? When we started having sex again, was I suppose to tell her about my one night stand?
I can understand if I had been sleeping around like crazy, but I had sex one time with one person and I used a condom, I didn't know that I was just supposed to voluntarily tell my ex about if even if she didn't ask. She started asking last month, I lied about it, and we had sex once after that.
I know it probably sounds like I'm making excuses, but I just don't know what else to do. I'm so heartbroken right now and I don't really know how to make this situation better. I've realized that there is nothing I can do at this point to change anything. I made my bed and now I have to lie in it.
I can't ease your pain, but I can tell you that standing for yourself by telling the truth, even though she might have dumped you any way, was the better way to go. There are always consequences of our actions, or blessing when we do the right things.
If you can't pay the consequences, don't do the actions. It simple, so the lesson to be learned is think before you act.
Your thoroughly heartbroken now, but you will heal, we all do eventually, and the confusion, misery, and pain will be in the past. You just need time to get over this set back. Then you can celebrate your freedom, and enjoy your life.
You were broken up so I don't think you had to tell her. And the onenightstand wasn't unprotected sex so it was highly unlikely that you'd be passing on an STD.
It's the lying,as you have realised,that got to her and as you said you've made your bed.
All you can do now is heal from the breakup and move on with your life.
She claims it's the lying, but then says she can't get over that I slept with her NUMEROUS times after sleeping with someone else, even though she DIDN'T ASK. After I lied, we had sex once. So which is she more upset about, the lie, or the actually act, she doesn't seem to make it clear.
Probably both, but what ever reason she had would have had the same results, she was going to dump you if you had been unfaithful, and likely had you told the truth. That's why she asked in the first place.
Wait... I was never unfaithful. We were broken up when I slept with someone else. What makes you think I was unfaithful? She told me last night had I been honest from the start she wouldn't have reacted the way she did
The lying. The sex is just added on top of the other. For her, they are in some ways intertwined. You know you had 'protected' sex. She knows that you didn't mention anything about the encounter and lied when asked. She doesn't know if she should trust anything else you say about that event. As far as she knows, you could be lying about having used protection in another attempt to keep yourself out of trouble.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cristoforo
I am curious if you told her about the co-worker and the very brief relationship you got out of to try again with her? If those did come up in discussions, but the one-night stand didn't, then there may be another facet of the problem. The difference between "Did you see anyone while we were broken up?" versus "Did you have sex with anyone while we were broken up?"
I am going to go against the grain here. I don't think he should have told her what he did during the break up. They were broken up, it was protected so in reality there were no risks, therefore no reason to disclose that information to her. I have seen countless threads on this, and everyone usually goes with the not telling side, now the change. I understand the lie, normally I can't stand liars, but this one, I can see why. She really had no right to know this.
It's like I don't know who to believe or what I should have done. I had PROTECTED sex with one person, one time during our BREAKUP. Was I supposed to call my ex up minutes after that happened and tell her what I did. When we started having sex again, my ex didn't ask about it right away. It wasn't until months later that she asked. There was really no risk to her health whether she thinks there was or not. Should I have told her when she asked, YES. But she can't get angry at me for sleeping with her after I slept with someone else, when she didn't even ask about it. She has every right to be upset about the lie, but no right to be upset with the fact that I slept with her after I slept with someone else one time and with whom I used PROTECTION with.
Personally, I would tell the truth just because I wouldn't have cared what she did with the info.
If she can't handle the truth of the matter, that's her problem.
Once I leave, I disappear, and move on. You have to learn one way or another there is a price to pay for impulsive, not very well thought out actions.
Where I think you Cristoforo, have made an oversight, is back when you were having cold feet about getting married, and changed your mind again, after a few days of reflection. That's when she started to not believe in you any longer, and it just snowballed from there, and gathered enough doubts to make it really hard to survive afterward.
But your in shock, and hurt, and can only remember the most recent events. That's normal, as it will come together for you later, as seldom does one thing break a couple up. Its usually a series of things that have happened.
The problem this time is that he has a history of telling her one thing then changing what he said. It is a symptom of greater problems in this relationship than who he did or didn't sleep with while they were broken up.Quote:
Originally Posted by Romefalls19
DUDE!! Get over the sex part. We got it... you got laid. You were broken up. The problem is YOU LIED.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cristoforo
Say it again... YOU LIED TO HER. You handled it wrong, you lied again and again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Imabadman
I am over the sex part. My question is, should I have told my ex about my one night fling before her and I started sleeping together again, even if she didn't ask? I ask because my ex seems to be upset about two major things, 1. That I repeatedly lied to her, and 2. That I slept with her numerous after I slept with someone else, putting her health at risk because of possible STDs. Now, when my ex and I started sleeping together again, after I'd slept with the other person, my ex wasn't asking me if I slept with anyone. It wasn't until recently that she started to ask, and I started to lie about it.
Even if I had been honest from the start, she would have still be enraged that I slept with someone else and then her. So I am thinking that the result would have been the same even if I told the truth the first time she asked. But should I have told her about the one night stand even if she didn't ask? Did she have a right to know that I slept with one person during out breakup?
I could understand if I was going around sleeping with dozens of women without protection, then I feel like my ex should know about that before I sleep with her again. However, it was a one time thing, and protection was used, so did my ex have a right to know about it even if she didn't ask? That's my main question right now. I know that I shouldn't have lied to her when she asked me, but should I have told her even if she never posed the question.
Also, isn't it a little bit over the top for her to be so angry that I slept with someone else then I slept with her? I mean, we were broken up, it was a one time thing, and honestly, there was really no threat to her health. I understand her being mad at the lying, but for her to be enraged because I slept with one other person, then later on I slept with her, is kind of ridiculous.
I probably wouldn't have brought it up myself, but the fact is, she did, and you lied about it. Given what had gone on before, this was but a final insult, and hardly the reason for the way she acts now. Its to bad that you focus on one incident, when it was a series of them that explains her feelings, and actions.
So don't trip over this one thing, she had doubts and fears before, and you only confirmed them to her.
Remember you were on the rocks, and broken up, when this happened. So this last incident hardly renewed faith, or confidence to this relationship. That's the way it goes sometimes, when its going bad, its just one thing after another.
Right, but what I'm saying is... if I had told the truth from the start, would she still have a right to be mad and me and think I did something awful by sleeping with someone, then later sleeping with her? She has it in her head that I did something awful by sleeping with another, then sleeping with her, like I was going to give her an STD or something like that.
You say you wouldn't have brought it up yourself, so it leads me to believe that it is something that if she hadn't asked about it, I shouldn't have said a word. But when she asked and had I told the truth, she still would have been angry.
So I find it hard to believe her when she told me if I had been honest from the start, she wouldn't have reacted that way. If I had been honest from the start, she still would have been mad that I slept with someone else, and then her. And had I been honest from the moment she asked, wouldn't you think it would be unreasonable of her to be upset?
It is these damned if you do, damned if you don't situations that lead me to lie, I know I need to stop that thinking, but with her, I really don't think honesty would have helped, as she would have been disgusted with the fact I slept with someone once, then with her.
Your probably right, but don't try and justify your bad behavior. Your lie was but more stuff in the game, that lead to this , so what's your point in making this a big deal? Your relationship was over when she gave your ring back. The rest is fallout from those choices, and actions, you both made.
I mean, so what if she was disgusted you slept with some one else, while you were broken up. That was one lousy nail in an already sealed coffin, and not the bigger issue at all.
The issue you pay attention to is what started the break up, and your part in that. Just go back to the second paragraph in your OP.
Of course all you see is the last thing that happened, and are stuck on it, but as you get through the drama, it will be apparent that other mistakes were made months ago that doomed this relationship.
Its not unusual to keep recycling the last thing you went through, but you do need to stop, and let the entire tape play. That means start at the beginning of this saga, and see what we all see, objectively.
Well honestly, the reason I don't look back and play the whole tape is because 3 weeks ago, she was willing to forget all that. She said she loved me and wanted to spend her life with me and make it work and focus on the future. I had a clean slate and I screwed it up. So naturally, I can't help but focus on the event that just occurred after I got my clean slate and had the opportunity to be with her and try to make it work. And it really wasn't like I showed her so much in 9 months that made her think I changed completely, she was willing to make it work and give it another shot regardless of whether she thought I drastically changed or not. How could I not replay the final events. What purpose does looking back on everything serve?
I was re-reading the thread and this jumped out at me. Your one night stand happened AFTER you started having sex with your ex again even though you weren't 'back together'. (I misread this the first couple of times and thought the one night stand was before you started having sex with your ex again.) Why should she think to ask if you were having intercourse with someone other than her AFTER you started having sex with her again? She probably does feel a bit betrayed by the 'sex' as well as the lies.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cristoforo
Look at it from the viewpoint that you are having sex with her while trying to get your relationship started again, (Isn't that why you broke off seeing that one girl?), you get drunk (or carried away) enough to have sex with a woman whose name you don't know/can't remember, and, then, go back to having sex with her as though nothing happened. If I were in her shoes, I would be concerned that you would do it again especially after you lied.
Think back to when you started trying to work things out with her in July. Did you have any expectations that she was only seeing you at that time? Did she have any expectations that you were only seeing her at that time?
But guy, you have to see that past mistakes is what caused this whole thing, and given another chance, a look back, and making a better choice would have allowed you to avoid this mess.
Impulsive bad behavior is what doomed you, and all you did was kept repeating that again, and again, even after you had a clean slate.
Maybe it doesn't matter to many what someone does during the so-called break, but it does show something about the person, (both of you actually) as to what they did during it.
Maybe its none of her business, but it does create an imagine of you that has to be dealt with. And she did.
Seeing the whole picture, and not just part of it, is where you find reality.
That's your reality, the choices you have made. You don't get to skip over some of them, because as you see they are repeated, and bite you again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat1864
I'm not sure where I said it, but I am pretty sure the one night stand happened BEFORE I started sleeping with my ex again. If I said otherwise, please point out where I said that. But these details don't even matter anymore. What matters is that I lied and the lies destroyed the relationship. Regardless of what any of you think, I truly and deeply love my ex. The only thing I ever did to hurt her was lie to her. I know you say if you aren't honest, it isn't love, but I don't think that is always true. Lying is wrong, but just because you do it, doesn't mean you don't really love the person. Now she won't even speak to me and doesn't seem to want me in her life at all, even after she said in the past that even if we never got back together, she couldn't see me not being in her life.
There's nothing more I can do except just deal with the situation and begin to heal. I've thought about calling her since we spoke a week ago, especially with the holidays and everything, but I figured that it wouldn't help anything and it would only cause me more pain. What really hurts is that someone can just cut you out of their life just like that. I feel like the last 5 years meant nothing to her. I don't understand how it is so easy for her to shut off her feelings and just lock me out. I know I don't really deserve another chance, but for her to never want to speak to me or ever see me again is very hurtful.
I asked her for forgiveness but she says she will never forgive or forget. I don't understand. If I were in her shoes, I would find it in my heart to forgive her. I'm not even asking for her to come back and be with me, I just want her to forgive me for what I did and stop viewing me as a bad person. I just don't know how someone can so easily throw away the last 5 years of their life. I feel like the last 5 years were nothing but a waste at this point. Since none of you actually know me or truly know the relationship I had, besides those lies, I was very good to her and I treated her like a princess and did anything I could for her. The only time I ever hurt her was when I wasn't honest.
I'm still in love with her and my biggest fear is that I will never find that feeling again, the kind of feeling I felt with my ex. That feeling of comfort, love, and friendship. Even though I ended up betraying her with my lies, I still never fell out of love with her. She was my best friend, and I thought she was my soul mate. Now I feel like I'll never find that again and even if I do, I will just screw it up again like I did this time.
Its your post 45 if you're interested and the way you put your commas, I'd read it as the one nightstand came first.
But as you said it doesn't matter.
You need to start healing now, and so does she,so stay NC and learn from your mistakes as she should from hers.
You will be a better partner for your next girl.
And don't worry, there will be a next one.
Take care.
.
You will feel different after you heal, and be able to see more than just your own feelings. The wounds are still open and fresh.
Post analysis can be draining, both emotionally and mentally. We're all guilty of looking back and trying to figure out what we did wrong, what we could've done differently, etc. Trust is a big thing with a lot of people. If having sex with someone else while you were broken up wasn't such a big deal, then you should've been able to be upfront with her and say "yes" when she asked. It sounds like she already knew you had sex with someone else during the breakup and she was "testing" you... but I may be wrong. Like you said, what's done is done though.
If you haven't already, apologize for lying and leave the ball in her court per say. Own up to everything, don't mix an attack ("it's not that big of a deal, you should forgive me") with asking for forgiveness. Say you're sorry for lying (the sex part doesn't matter), and respect her wishes of no contact from that point. There really isn't anything you can do in the meantime except try living your life. Work on learning from your past mistakes and continue seeing a therapist about your depression (if you're still feeling depressed). You may think she should forgive you and move on, but you aren't her and you can't force her to feel a certain way about something. She either accepts it and tries to work on things, or she doesn't. It's better than her forcing herself to get back together with you and bringing the whole lie thing up over and over again in an arguments.
Yeah, I actually sent her a letter just saying how sorry I was and that I never meant to hurt her. After I sent the letter, I found out my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer (another reason this Holiday season has been the worst of my life). So I reached out to her and she was there to talk about it as a friend. I made the mistake of bringing up what happened between us, which is when she told me what I posted a few days ago as an update. I told her about the letter and that I was sorry. I was selfish and wanted to talk about me and her instead of my father.
I know now that I have apologized to her. She says she can't forgive me and will never want to be with me again because she can never trust me. I need to accept that, go NC, and heal, and put my father first and worry about him. It just sucks when over the holidays, which are supposed to be a happy time, you get hit with two things that suck, a breakup, and the news that your father has cancer. This has been the worst month of my life and I just really hope it will get better soon.
Im sorry about your father I hope its treatable. Sometimes life sucks.
They caught it early so he should be fine after surgery. It just sucks that he has to go through that... and I need to be there for him but its harder than it normally would be because I am also dealing with my breakup.
Relationships come and go but you only have one father. I can understand how emotionally taxing it is during this period. Concentrate on being with your Dad and worry about the other stuff later. It's nice to have a shoulder to cry on but you need to be able to go through this on your own. Sometimes we get tests in life, and this might be one for you
You can handle it-the fact that you're helping somebody else will help you heal.
Well here is my take on this. Sorry I'm late. I have read everything and I will take my time giving you good advice. At least well thought advice. Number one... You should have never said anything.about who you slept with. You should have said that the two of you were broken up and it is irrelevant at this point. You won't ask of her past and she shouldn't either. If she doesn't agree then she needs growing up. She shouldn't be someone you look forward to marrying. If you couldn't get her to stop and she kept nagging then tell the truth. So number one is to not say anything but if she continues and degrades herslef then give her the truth and be in peace. Either way it's too late.
Number Two, you can't forget about yourself here and YOUR instincts. Something told you early on that marrying her isn't the best idea. That is your mind telling you something. I know you are sad about all this and her being away makes you want her but don't disregard the truth. The truth is something in you was setting alarms about her. You somehow knew deep down that there is something wrong. There's a reason for that. You will find someone where those feelings will not arise.
Thirdly, those lies are not huge. If you lied about having a kid in india then sure. Or That all these years you didn't really love her or that you had AIDS for 2 years. Now she should realize that your lie can be common as you simply wanted to protect her and communication could have fixed that. She could have said please don't lie again. At least a warning before breaking up. What I am saying is that she is giving up too easily. She is not as in it as you are. She doesn't love you the same.
At one point you were afraid and at this point she gives up easily and keeps asking of your past almost as if she wants there to be something wrong. The answer is simple. Your relationship is disfunctional. There are infinity "what ifs" scenarios. The two of you just don't have what it takes for it to last forever. You both have issues, not just you.
The problem here is that her issues get to you (hence thinking twice about marriage) and your problems get to her (hence wanting to be away from you). Some things are not meant to be. Don't stress it too much. She isn't the one for you. You learned a few things nonetheless and you will be better next time. Why did she decide to return after 8 months? Something else to think of. But why? Better yourself and leave her alone. You both need growing up. You are in a better position because you have us. Youwill be fine. Hang in there. If you did it once, you can do it again. I went through the same thing my friend. Be strong!
emopunk7, thank you for your good advice. While I appreciated everyone else's advice, yours was the first that actually pointed out that she had issues too, and that the end of this relationship wasn't just all my fault.
She had issues too, part of the reason I got cold feet a year ago was because some of these issues she had and some things I didn't like. I had issues too, we could never resolve our issues and we fought all the time. We got into a huge fight the weekend we got engaged and she almost called of the wedding then. We got in another huge fight the day after the engagement party and she wanted to call it off then too. Many times we got in fights she threatened to call off the wedding.
The fact that we didn't get a long and sometimes I didn't like the way she treated me led me to these feelings of cold feet. It wasn't all my fault that we didn't work out the first time. I guess I failed to mention the issues that she had in my original posts.
Now that we are broken up again, you want to focus on all the good moments you had and forget about the bad. That's what I am doing, because when we did have good times and when we did get along, it was wonderful. However, the more time that passes, the more you see that there were a lot of bad moments too, and they might have outweighed the good in the end.
And I know that my recent actions led to the second breakup, but maybe I subconsciously didn't want to be in the relationship. Maybe that is why during the reconciliation process my feelings were all over the map and my ex and I couldn't get on the same page.
It's still hard right now because I want to focus on all the good and block out the bad. But maybe this was supposed to happen and that everything happens for a reason. It's going to be tough for a while, but hopefully I will start to feel better.
Threads merged and edited.
Today marks the two week period of NC with my ex. This is the longest I have ever been NC with her. When we broke up before, she was contacting me just days later. As we tried to reconcile over the past two months, we got in fights where she said she didn't want to talk to me anymore, but within a week she would be calling me. After our latest blowup, I had gone a week and no contact from her. Then I spoke to her on the phone two weeks ago in which she told me she can't forgive me and will never trust me again.
Since that conversation, it has been two long weeks in which I haven't heard a peep from her. No Merry Christmas text message, no Happy New Year text message, no email, no calls, nothing. I realize that NC is probably for the best and that it is the only way I am going to move on, but what hurts the most is thinking that they no longer care about you at all, that you no longer cross their mind, that the past 5 years we spent together meant absolutely nothing. It hurts to think they don't give a damn.
My ex always told me that even if we didn't end up together, she would want me in her life somehow. Now it seems she is content with cutting me completely out of her life. I honestly don't think what I did was harsh enough for her to never want to speak to me or talk to me ever again, or to never forgive me one day. I really have the urge to make contact with her, but I know that will probably get me nowhere. I just didn't think NC would be this hard.
But my main question is, if they don't contact you, does it truly mean they no longer care about you anymore and that all the years you spent with them now means nothing? Is it that easy for someone to turn off their feelings like that? Or do you think that she still does care about me, but like me, she feels she needs to move on as well, and therefore doesn't see the purpose of contact? Should I ever try to make contact with her or just stick to NC?
No Contact is probably one of the most difficult challenges a person can face, in my opinion. I can guarantee that she still thinks about you just as much as you think about her; she might not act like it, she might lie to her friends and family about it, but she does.
That's not what you should be worried about right now, though. No Contact is a blessing in disguise; it seems so hard at first, and it hurts to think those negative thoughts. Eventually, though, you'll come to realize the healing power behind it.
NC is for a broken heart what peroxide is for an open wound - it burns a lot at first, and the deeper the cut the more it hurts; however, once the pain subsides, the wound heals cleaner and faster ;)
~ Tee
PS - To answer your question directly, no, NC doesn't mean she now hates you; she's just trying to heal her own wounds, and you should do the same.
I guess she was hurt more than you know, but her not contacting you is not about you, but her doing what she has to do, to heal, just like you should be doing.
That you minimize her hurt, and can't understand her feelings, is probably a sign you should be paying attention too.
No, I'm not trying to minimize her hurt. I can understand what she is feeling. I guess I'm trying to put myself in her shoes and say that if I were her, I wouldn't cut her out of my life and never speak to her again, and I would forgive her at some point.
But I know she is hurt and has every right to be. She is dealing with that the way that she needs to... and I should do the same. I've never dealt with NC to this extent before with her, so that is why it is so hard right now. But I suppose there is no other option. It has only been two weeks of NC, I'm sure that is nothing compared to the NC that others have done. I just need to be strong and try to get through this as best I can. Maybe in a couple of weeks I'll try to reach out to her, or maybe not.
I am 3 months now into NC with a girl I very much love/loved. It is a hard thing and probably the hardest thing I've ever done. Sometimes I get sad as I'm sure you will. She hasn't contacted me either. The way your ex left and mine just makes us feel so guulty like what we did was so wrong. In my case, all I did was what she did to me. I thought I'd teach her a lesson for once. It didn't work. Even though I forgave her many times, the one time I did it to her only because she did it to me, she broke it off and gave up. Its what I should have done. But breaking it off and teaching a lesson both seemed wrong. I just thought I'd go with the least drastic but both would have the same outcome. A finished relationship.
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