Everyone is different! It just happens to bother her... I am sure if you dug deeper into a lot of guys computers they are ADDICTED to it..
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Everyone is different! It just happens to bother her... I am sure if you dug deeper into a lot of guys computers they are ADDICTED to it..
This may have been your problem. But by and large, this is not the case.Quote:
Originally Posted by sully123
Oh, BTW... my husband gets very aroused if he walks in the room and sees me watching porn.
Shouldn't he getting aroused by seeing you instead of other girls on the sites?Quote:
Originally Posted by J_9
Of course he does! But porn is a way to add excitement to the bedroom. Just as toys are. It's just a video toy.Quote:
Originally Posted by sully123
Oh yea. That's like saying women are addicted to MAKEUP. Let's look in your drawers or makeup bag. How many mascaras do you have? Lip loss? Eyeliners? Eye shadow?Quote:
Originally Posted by sully123
Or how about shoes? How many pairs of shoes do you have? How many have you bought in the past year?
Really common' now, that is just plain silly.
It may bother the OP now and guess what she can either learn to deal with it or dump this guy because of it. Then go through it again and again. I don't know too many "good" guys that would give up porn completely for a girl. In fact that would be idiotic. Usually that's when they start sneaking around with the porn and then you truly get hurt because of the decit.
Porn will always be very controversial and I don't expect us to agree with each other, but I don't think it's right to keep feeding her "fear".
...meh that's what I think anyways.
Sarah
If you really can't handle it, then find some other guy who's into something else other than porn. Some guys focus more on sports, drinking with guy friends, or golf or something else. However, if you think the problem is with you, then you need to channel you thought to something else. Maybe find a hobby, so you keep yourself away from the laptop. Or get a pet to keep yourself focused on animals, instead.
This particular guy( ME) is secure enough as to not care one bit.Quote:
Originally Posted by sully123
Labeling someone an addict should take a little more knowledge and understanding.Quote:
Originally Posted by sully123
And how do you know that he DOESN'T.Quote:
Originally Posted by sully123
You're trying to fix something that isn't broken now.
Darn I can't greenie you.Quote:
Originally Posted by jmjoseph
[] <-there?
Sarah
BS. Yes, guys may watch porn when they are single (not everyone, though you might hear otherwise). However, if you are in a relationship with a guy and you ask him to stop watching/looking at porn, he better do it. Otherwise he is not good enough for you. You want a guy that can respect women as people, and not reduce them to objects. If he cannot respect what is a massive part of your identity then he cannot truly respect you.
I think when they are single, porn is a bit different, because the motivations seem more like loneliness rather than pure lust. I'm not excusing it, but I can't condemn it because I know when my girlfriend dumped me I did things like drink even though I was previously against it.
You should talk to him about it first though. If he likes you enough, he'll stop because he knows it is hurting you. If he doesn't, what is your future with him anyway.
And this is coming from a guy.
This goes beyond him looking at porn to your own insecurities. Your previously merged threads:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ng-412859.html
Have you finally gotten over thinking every beautiful woman in a restaurant wants him when he walks in the door?
Have you been working on your controlling issues?
I look forward to this thread being added to the others and ask that you please follow the advice given multiple times before and keep all of these questions in one thread so that we can keep up with your story.
And what exactly is "BS"? Something other than YOUR opinion?Quote:
Originally Posted by dlowell08
And this is coming from a MAN. One who knows how to treat a woman with respect, and also is not "TOLD" he "BETTER" do anything.
Umm... okay. First of all, the BS was for the question of the thread, "Every guy watches porn?" I called BS on it because I know it is false. People tend to normalize behavior by saying everyone else is doing it, when that is just not true.
So if your girlfriend tells you that watching porn hurts her, you would continue doing it? What a man you are.
You can treat a woman with respect, and still not respect women. I'm not saying this is you, but think about what porn is (or the porn directed at straight males). You have no contact with the woman you are watching, and have established no kind of relationship with her. You are lusting after her solely for her physical attributes. How is that not objectification? Like I said, I can understand that people act ways they normally wouldn't in moments of weakness, but if you have a girlfriend who is not okay with it, and you continue doing it, you are telling her that you are more satisfied by a Western ideal of feminine beauty than you are by her in real life. And if that caused her to try and achieve that ideal, it is because she feels you would be more attracted to her if she became something she was not. You are telling her that in her current state she is not satisfying to you, basically that she is not good enough for you. Now, some girls might not CARE about that, but that doesn't mean that it isn't the message you send.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mudweiser
He is a great guys, he doesn't even drink, he never looks women up or down around me, but it bothers me to just even think about him watching porn, because I don't feel comfortable if he is thinking about other women around him, and how to they look naked.
This sounds totally ridiculous, but I don't really want him to stop watching it, and I know a lot of other people that are a lot worse off. Example: my dad and my brother. I went into the history on my dads computer when I lived with them, and it was the most disgusting thing EVER! I just want to be able to think about it like a lot of people on this site. That it doesn't bother them at all. We have an amazing sex life going and it should not bother me.
But the first thought that came into my head is wow... he is going to look at porn when I'm sleeping or not there.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dlowell08
I disagree, I don't think that a person should ask another person to stop doing something if it's not affecting you, it's their business and who are you to tell someone to stop doing something they enjoy for a little bit?
The problem for most people, apart from people together with porn addicts, is dealing with it without the other person have to stop and/or hide it from them.
By no means I want him to stop, because its true what other people said about shoes and makeup, if he asked me to stop buying shoes and makeup I wouldn't like it.
Your with somebody because you love and respect them. Your differences have to get worked out somehow, that's the whole problem... I want to work on it... thank you everyone so far for such amazing answers... I will take all the advice I can take and let everyone know how I'm doing with it.
Im trying to keep a journal about the controlling behavior and trying to think things through before acting up.
dlowell08, If my wife asked me to stop doing something that bothered her , I most certainly would. But I occasionally look at porn, and so does she, so this isn't about me.Quote:
Originally Posted by dlowell08
I am sensitive to my wife's feelings, and respectful of her concerns. But I am not a child to be "told" to stop doing things. Just like I would not "tell" her to not do something. That is disrespectful in itself, is it not?
Floweringbeauty, these are your words from another post, link provided here by cat1864:
"In relationships i am completley out of my mind jealous and insecure."
I recommend getting counseling. Have you every considered that? You admit to having a problem, and having ruined a prior relationship because of this.
The porn is the least of your worries right now. Has he asked you to stop this behavior?
Does he know that you snooped into his private things?
He obviously loves you enough to put up with this jealous, insecure, attitude.
It's not about the porn. Even if he DOESN'T get that new laptop, you will be jealous of someone else, won't you?
You might want to get to the root of the problem. Before you lose another guy.
Most people do not like this type of attitude. Especially when they have done nothing to deserve it.
Good luck to you.
That's true, if he doesn't get the laptop there something else that is going to pop up.
Yes he gets very mad and aggravated and we fight if something like that happens... is there anything else I can do besides counselling?
See my previous posting on finding a hobby or look online and find a book that specialize in self-help in giving privacy to your other half.
Not all men look at porn... (FYI)
But, there is nothing wrong with looking at pornographic photographs in order to help peak arousal and climax.
It's just photographs.
It's not a relationship with another person.
I'm sure he's not getting a laptop just to look at porn, I'm sure he's doing other things with the laptop.
The fact that you were checking up on him shows you are suspicious, worried or perhaps a tad bit insecure.
I'm not trying to hurt you, what I'm trying to do is help you realize your fears and face them. Talk to him, tell him how you found the sites, tell him how you almost wanted to cry, and explain to him that you have a very negative perception of what porn is and maybe you two can seek counseling.
Many women look at porn too... looking at porn is not the same as cheating... there is no relationship there except with oneself (while masturbating).
Maybe he has some fantasies.. Maybe your sex life could become even richer if you explored some of these fantasies that he might have.
Talk to him, don't worry about it any longer... he should know you have been tortured over this for a long enough time and he can put your mind at rest... I'm sure he's a wonderful guy.
Good Luck!
Hate to be the porn party pooper here, but I would be upset if there was porn on my husband's computer.
Porn presents women as sexual objects, they are objectified to meet a man's 'visual' image of an object for sex. I don't see it as harmless fun, and it personifies, like it or not, the perpetual myth that somehow its okay to watch porn, then go boink your wife or girlfriend after getting hot and bothered by it. Or not. To each his own.
That is only my opinion. I don't think less of a woman who sees anything wrong with it, or a man who needs or wants it.
But, it has never been on my husband's computer, and it never would be.
Progress Report:
NO PROGRESSS... everytime I think he's by a computer I go sad:(
Like right now, this is the most ridicolous thing ever and I think this officially makes me the worst girlfriend :'(
Entire story merged
No trust = No relationship
If you can't find it in yourself to start trusting him again, then this relationship is going to end one way or another.
I think you need to change your thought processes. You keep looking for problems until you find them or let your imagination create them.
So now, he only has to be 'by' the computer to trigger you being 'sad'?
Don't give your imagination permission to leap to conclusions. Tell yourself that it is no different than if he picked up a novel or turned on the radio.
Keep reminding yourself that he isn't with any of the other women you get jealous about. He has chosen to be with you.
What are you doing to help yourself feel more secure? Are you just sitting back and letting your mind play games instead of doing anything?
Have you checked into counseling?
OP,
Your man: Doesn't even drink, the most respectful man you've met
You: Control freak, someone has trust issues, don't understand men well
I wonder why he is still with you?
It's not easy to meet nice men like that, you don't know how to appreciate! I am sorry but I don't think you deserve him any more!
I have looked into counseling but I really don't want to do it, and I have no time whatsoever.
I just went into his account on Facebook and he never talks to anyone except if it is for a reason. I just read a message that he sent to his already married xgf. He said that he was thinking about her and decided to say hi if she didn't mind.
As I was reading this tears started building up
I usually don't go into his provate things anymore... because I realized it was really wrong and he needs his privacy. I should respect that
Im getting upset over nothing and I shouldn't of went into his account because I was curious.
I have repeated millions of times on this site that - Please don't hack into other's email account/facebook account/whoever's space/twitter etc!
Give people some privacy!
OP, just think how you would deal with the possible fact that he leaves you! If I were him, I have alrady left you! ( And I am a woman myself)!!
The fact that he started talking to his ex married girlfriend doesn't surprise me! You are driving him away!
Ok so I don't want to sound mean so please don't think that, I have experienced what you are going through just not to this degree.
You need to speak to a neutral party, a counselor.. who can hear your thoughts and fears and talk you through them. It helped me. I had a horrible relationship years back so when I met my current BF I was an insecure nightmare at times. I got help and here we are 2 years later and light years away from where I was.
The problem is your whole world right now is obsessing over him, wondering who he is looking at, talking to, thinking about. JUST STOP! He is with you then he cares. Trust me he will lose interest the more you push, nag, and obsess. No one wants to date a person like that because they make a new relationship that should be fun too much work. If he always has to convince you he only has eyes for you what fun is that? Then dating becomes a job.
Now you are snooping in his Facebook? Why? Did it make you feel any better or just give your obsessive thoughts more fuel for the fire?
As far as time for counseling you do have it, look at all the time you sit around obsessing or snooping in his Facebook or crying over what you find. There is at least a half an hour session right there in time. Only you can change you, he can't, and you have all ready decided in your unwillingness to talk to someone and figure out where this issue is from that you really don't want to change. My only advice then is prepare yourself for the day you push too much and he leaves.
If you continue this way it is only a matter of time.
You are out of control and need some help to get it back!
Please do so!
So, you want to put more effort into destroying yourself, him, and the relationship than you do into working on your insecurities and building a better relationship.Quote:
Originally Posted by flowerybeauty
That speaks volumes for where your mind is at. I will continue to try to help you, but neither I nor anyone else on this site or the entire internet can do more than point you in the right direction. YOU have to be the one who wants to change and grow into a stronger more secure person and YOU have to be the one to take the steps necessary.
I suggest you find time for counselling, you need help with this.
UPDATE ON COUNSELLING:
Hey everyone just in case some are curious I went to find a self help group and I came across this group near my house. I decided to go and check it out. My boyfriend asked me where I was going but I told him I was unable to tell him
I went to the meeting and I really enjoyed it but some people are so mentally disturbed that it was fascinating to talk to them and to put an input in. It made me feel like an amazing person for putting my input in and talking to these people.
Here's the problem: "these"people
They were truly fantastic people but I cannot see myself being there in group therapy with them revealing "my not as significant in comparison to their problems"
I came out of there feeling like a totally brand new and refreshed person
Is that even possible for me to feel this way even though I really got nothing of my own problems solved?
I am glad you went to the meeting. I think this is what you need. Your story may not be as dramatic as some of the others, but I would bet their stories started the same way yours has.
Give it a couple of more meetings. Share your story with them. Don't worry about who has a worse story. Give them a chance to help you before you get to the point they are at. See what tips you can learn from them as you find out how much you already know by giving help. Find ways to put those tips into practice.
Be honest with your boyfriend so that he doesn't start thinking that you are the one seeing someone else. He deserves to know that you are trying and to be given the chance to give you his support in this. It is part of communication and partnership.
I am very proud of you for taking this step. :)
Good move, and I agree with Cat give it another couple of sessions.
You feel good to know your not alone, and maybe your story is not as dramatic as theirs, the help and support can give you the solutions you need to overcome your circumstances, so keep going, if nothing else, just to listen, and learn.
This is like me saying that I'm quitting AA because I'm not as bad of an alcoholic as the rest of the group. We all have our own personal "bottoms".Quote:
Originally Posted by flowerybeauty
This issue is important to YOU, and this group therapy will help you with YOUR problem. Have you thought about the fact that you might be helping the other people in there, who may look at you as an inspiration?
And yes, you should tell your boyfriend where you are going. It will make him see that you love him, and want to get better. And not make him wonder what's going on.
Good for you. You should be proud of yourself.
Is it possible to regain your individuality after being attached to someone, while still being together with them?
My boyfriend worked at a place filled with such gorgeous women flaunting themselves all the time. Then he quit and then he came back after a couple of weeks. I am happy that he is back to work but I have this really bad feeling in my gut about him going back there. Hes a good guy and its not a big deal with him, but now I can't resist to call him and think that he's like checking the women out
This sounds crazy but I'm wondering is it possible after along time?
I have friends, I'm really busy and I do go out when I get the chance. And yet I still feel like I care too much about it.
Your just going to have to trust him unless you have reason otherwise not to. You'll drive yourself crazy over it if you don't.
A man working with no women can still cheat, if a man wants to cheat he will, if he does not, he won't
I know he won't do anything at all, he's a good guy. I want to regain my individuality with him so I'm not so attached to him and don't always have to know what he is doing.
Stop worrying about it, that's one place to start.
I think the question is, do you trust him?
No trust = no relationship
Focus on your own life and build your own career, while he does the same.
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