Nestorian, her symptoms match much of those of narcissism, being manpulative, disregarding my emotions, pushing the blame on me for her behaviour, dissociating her flaws and way of thinking as being mine, being very defensive, constantly accusing me of cheating on her, being controlling, and some historiac behaviour as needing to be the center of my attention.
I have tried to discuss these things with her but never get anywhere with it because she will just throw it back at me saying that I'm the one with the issues.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by sabrewolfe

Nestorian, her symptoms match much of those of narcissism, being manpulative, disregarding my emotions, pushing the blame on me for her behaviour, dissociating her flaws and way of thinking as being mine, being very defensive, constantly accusing me of cheating on her, being controlling, and some historiac behaviour as needing to be the center of my attention.
I have tried to discuss these things with her but never get anywhere with it because she will just throw it back at me saying that I'm the one with the issues.

---

Why on earth are you trying to diagnose her?? If you were my boyfriend, I would be livid.

Wondergirl, Im just looking to get some others experience dealing with any of these disorders.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by sabrewolfe

Wondergirl, Im just looking to get some others experience dealing with any of these disorders.

---

So how does your girlfriend fit into the scheme of things?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Why on earth are you trying to diagnose her???? If you were my bf, I would be livid.

---

Because I believe she has a problem, and so do many other people that know her. She herself has admitted a few times of having problems but will not seek professional help. Don't be upset, I love my girlfriend and I'd like to know how to deal with it better.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

So how does your gf fit into the scheme of things?

---

As far as what?

I lived with 2 borderlines in Boarding school. They were very difficult to deal with and needed therapy 2-3x a week plus medication. At times they could be very charming and cooperative but you never knew what was going to set them off. The therapists there mainly worked on how manipulative they were and how to take accountability for their actions- it was a big problem trying to have rational conversations with them when they were worked up because they would shift blame and always turn things around. One was my roommate and she tended to see people as either wonderful or evil and often shifted to different extremes on her views based on a single incident. People were either her best friends or totally against her. I often saw her turn on people for the slightest things and it always felt like you were constantly trying to rebuild trust with her, draining!
I've never met a 'diagnosed' narcissist but I think narcissists are the last people that would even go to therapy. I believe I've run into a few though!
I agree it's important not to label but I do think it's important to educate yourself on ways not to be manipulated or blackmailed by people- it will help your communication skills all around and will also help you build better boundaries.
The books I suggested do exactly this and give you coping strategies whether you are dealing with just a difficult personality or actually someone with a disorder.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by sabrewolfe

Because I believe she has a problem, and so do many other people that know her. She herself has admitted a few times of having problems but will not seek professional help. Don't be upset, I love my girlfriend and I'd like to know how to deal with it better.

---

You cannot diagnose her. If you try, you will probably be wrong. Please stop.

There is something wrong with each of us -- that includes both you and me. It might be panic disorder, schizophrenia, depression, OCD, autism, paranoia, and on and on. We each have a unique personality.

What do you mean by "deal with it"? What's to deal with? And don't forget -- she has to "deal with" you.

Pathisfer, what you described sounds much like her. I will look into those books you suggested, thank you.

I got this off another thread you started and feel a diagnosis bubbling up --

1. We are in our latter thirtys
2. We have a child together
3. We live separate
4. We email or call each other occasionally
5. We see each other almost every two weeks
6. She is very insecure
7. She feels she's not in my 'league'
8. She accuses me constantly of messing around on her
9. I tell her all the time that I love her
10. I tell her she's my soulmate
11. I tell her she's my angel
12. I tell her she's the one, etc. etc.
13. Every time we get together she goes into one of her drilling sessions about why other women are emailing me, why I have friends that are females, and so on.
14. I gave her my email password so she could see for herself that I have nothing to hide.
15. I have many friends, male and female, we like the same tthings, snowboarding and what not, but these are friends I've had for a long time BUT Im not allowed to be around half of them or talk to them anymore because of her.
16. Two weekends ago I was at a get together at a friends house and my girlfriend told me to call her when I was there.
17. I did, and she demanded I not stay the night even though I was drinking.
18. Actually I ended up leaving earlier because two other friends, being two females Im not allowed around, were coming.
19. Last weekend while I was with my girlfriend, and she was drilling me, I told her that I left my buddies get together because of the two girls that were coming. So she starts in with, "why would they invite those two knowing full well that you are not allowed around them?"
20. I simply told her that I can't tell my friends wife who she can or can't invite to her own house.
21. She told me, "well now your not allowed over his house either!"
22. I do get so tired of her accusing me of things and being so insecure.
23. I just had enough and I let her know it.
24. I said some mean things, of which I apologized for, but she kept on going on about it that night that I just couldn't take it anymore.
25. She's mad at me, she won't forgive me, she says she can never trust me, and she wants to break up again.
26. I love her, I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

A. Do I just give up all my friends? Im not sure if that would even satisfy her.
B. I want to make it work.
C. I also want her to feel secure.

Wondegirl is telling you Saberwolf that we all have tendencies, and unless you know and have gone through the schooling for the Psychology to unravel this mystery, you potentially risk making the whole situation much much worse.

Trying to figure out what some one has is not a matter of simply reading a book and saying oh, this seems like it. It is much deeper and harder then that. First there is your own perception/interpretation. Then there is the meshing of symptoms, and hidden symptoms. Also, she may be keeping inoformation from you and so on.

Even if every one agrees with you, they know too little about the nature of ones brain to be agreeing/disagreeing with you. The second some one says she maybe, for example "borderline", every one's thoughts are switched to it, and have little knowledge about it. Further more, your own personal perception could be obscured by what you think should or should not be. You were raised in a different way than her, so your ideals are not the same, then she is her own person with differnet goals than you.
Are you taking all this into account??
That's not all though, your perception could very well be obscured by your own mental issues, may be your are the one with a personality disorder. Yes even your friends maybe obscured.

Mental health is not a straight forward issue. Any number of disorders can share similar symptoms, and mesh together. If you try to treat (in your case treat meant is cope with her on a personal level.) you very well could "push a button", thus "triggering" a response you won't like, nor understand. It can be harmful as well to her, as it may make her symptoms much worse or even multiply. No I kid you not. Then there is the trying to figure out what is the sronger of them, and how it's affecting the other ones. Say she is a borderline personality and you help her out when she feels lonely, but then you have to go to work and she won't let you go. Then you finally get short with her and tear a strip off her, yeah sure you feel guilty and bad, but really the damage is done. Now she devlopes anxiety around you and mistrusts you. The issues compile.

For what ever reasons she may have she may keep things to her self. Like child hood abuse, or fears that you may call silly/dumb with out even realizing she has them and now she feels worse and apprehensive around you. She may not even know the reasons or notice that she does things that are not approptiate, but you do and you again, tell her that's not right. If you don't know what disorder she has, how can you talk to her? It's dangerous.

There are more factors and these go much deeper but I'm unable to think of any off hand.

WONDERGIRL, I hope I did not go out of line, nor off bases. After all it's what you said that I was trying to get across. Please do let me know and I'll change it if you wish.

Peace and kindness be with you.

P.S. Saberwolf, try to persuade her to talk to a professional, be tactful and causious. Good luck.

Hi Sabrewolf, I posted the original reply that suggested looking at that website.

A family member of mine has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and for 11 years they have made our life a living hell. In order to try and understand the condition and deal with it I have done heaps and heaps of research. (At one stage it actually felt a bit obsessive - but I'm better now LOL.)

Personality disorders are extremely difficult to deal with - you'll find much information on the internet suggesting ways of dealing with them. Most of the literature suggests that there is no 'cure' or successful treatment and this is partly because sufferers rarely recognize that they have a problem. I don't thing it's wrong for you to try and figure out what's wrong with your partner - particularly if other people around you are saying the same thing - because I suspect she is unlikely to seek help herself, unless you make it a condition of you staying in the relationship.

Essentially , the advice for people in relationships boils down to three options:

1. Do exactly what they want and 'feed' the disorder on a daily basis.
2. Set really strong boundaries in the relationship about what you will and won't put up with.
3. Leave.

Of course all of these options are fraught with problems, particularly if you have children and if you, presumably, still love your partner:

Feeding the disorder on a daily basis and pandering to their ever changing demands and whims will most likely turn you into a zombie, a shadow of your former self. In any case, nothing you do will ever be good enough and you'll be sucked dry and spat out. You may as well put your testicles in a jar and forget about them. What sort of example is this to your child? You won't have a life.

Setting strong boundaries can work, but it will be a constant power struggle and she'll engineer more ways than you can possible imagine to challenge you and subvert the boundaries. You'll feel attacked, manipulated and harassed on a daily basis - is this what you want your child to observe? You'll have a hard life, with if you're lucky, some small gains.

Leaving is incredibly hard, particularly if you have children and you know they'll be in her care. You'll be the worst person in the world and you can guarantee that she'll make seeing your child difficult. You may have the opportunity to start a new life and to care for your child in an environment free from her influence.

See what I mean? There is no win/win situation here. I go back to my final suggestion in the original post - that is, seek professional assistance for yourself about how to deal with her behaviour.

Nestorian, Im not trying to treat her, Im only asking about others experience with it, but thank you for your input. Im sorry I even asked about it.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Nestorian

Wondegirl is telling you Saberwolf that we all have tendancies

---

I agree that Saberwolf should call off his dogs and stop trying to diagnosis her. In his earlier post on another thread, he said, "I gave her my email password so she could see for herself that I have nothing to hide....these are friends I've had for a long time BUT Im not allowed to be around half of them or talk to them anymore because of her....my girlfriend told me to call her when I was there....I did, and she demanded I not stay the night even though I was drinking....I do get so tired of her accusing me of things....I said some mean things, of which I apologized for, but she kept on going on about it that night that I just couldn't take it anymore."

This does not sound like a healthy relationship, and I put as much fault at his door for being a dependent personality as I do at hers for being a controller. There. I've done it. I made a diagnosis.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by sabrewolfe

Nestorian, Im not trying to treat her

---

Yes, you are. You want to pin a diagnosis on her, so you will know "how to handle her."

The main thing you need to do is establish firm boundaries. You are giving up things that you love in order to "make her happy." That's not how it works in a relationship. Have you ever made her "happy"? If so, what did you give up to make that happen? Yes, I agree that you should have a few sessions with a therapist in order to figure out how to put up boundaries and stick to them. This is good to know with anyone, by the way.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I agree that Saberwolf should call off his dogs and stop trying to diagnosis her. In his earlier post on another thread, he said, "I gave her my email password so she could see for herself that I have nothing to hide....these are friends I've had for a long time BUT Im not allowed to be around half of them or talk to them anymore because of her....my girlfriend told me to call her when I was there....I did, and she demanded I not stay the night even though I was drinking....I do get so tired of her accusing me of things....I said some mean things, of which I apologized for, but she kept on going on about it that night that I just couldn't take it anymore."

This does not sound like a healthy relationship, and I put as much fault at his door for being a dependent personality as I do at hers for being a controller. There. I've done it. I made a diagnosis.

---

PRetty much the best thing he can do is leave then... :( But its' true, "you don't know what you got till it's gone."- Counting crows This is what either makes us stronger, or...

If you stay, you stay the way you are, unless you get Professional Help. Face the facts and then realize the truth hiden behind them.


Peace and kindness

Thank you Gemini54, and thanks again for that website. You are absolutely right, none of those three choices are easy to make. I know I will never get her to see a therapist, it's a choice she will have to make on her own. I'd like to try to set the boundaries with her, but trying to figure out the best way of dealing with the irrational behaviour as a result. It's a real rollercoaster ride at times.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by sabrewolfe

Thank you Gemini54, and thanks again for that website. You are absolutely right, none of those three choices are easy to make. I know I will never get her to see a therapist, it's a choice she will have to make on her own. I'd like to try to set the boundaries with her, but trying to figure out the best way of dealing with the irrational behaviour as a result. It's a real rollercoaster ride at times.

---

Y0U have a few sessions with a therapist. You need the support and you need to be able to set out boundaries. Can you do that alone? Will you allow her to search through your cell calls made and received? Will you give up friends and parties and get-togethers and vacations and foods if she asks you to? It won't be a rollercoaster ride if you are in charge of the brakes.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by sabrewolfe

Thank you Gemini54, and thanks again for that website. You are absolutely right, none of those three choices are easy to make. I know I will never get her to see a therapist, it's a choice she will have to make on her own. I'd like to try to set the boundaries with her, but trying to figure out the best way of dealing with the irrational behaviour as a result. It's a real rollercoaster ride at times.

---

My pleasure Sabrewolf, at least if you speak to someone your choices will, hopefully, become clearer. I would not start setting any boundaries until such time that you've spoken with an accredited therapist and you have their support and advice to rely on. Someone that has experience with personality disorders, is my humble suggestion.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by sabrewolfe

Nestorian, Im not trying to treat her, Im only asking about others experience with it, but thank you for your input. Im sorry I even asked about it.

---

You missed what I was saying. But no worries.

Thanks Gemini, I will take your advice. By the way, I would have rated your answer, but it won't let me for some reason, it says I have to spread some more reputation around. Thanks again for your support.

I can't believe what a hard time some people are giving to the OP. He's come to this website to ask if anyone has had any similar experiences, and all he gets is pedantic responses designed to reprimand him for wondering how he can improve his situation.

No matter what anyone says, he does have to "handle" his girlfriend in a specific way if she does have any neuroses. I think that this is admirable because he is willing to change his behaviour in order to accommodate his partner because he obviously wants to be with her. The problem is that he just doesn't know how. This isn't an intellectual undertaking that a psychiatrist/psychologist has to deal with at work and then think about a little after a session, but a real life situation where two people are trying to have a relationship that is much deeper than a professional one and extends for longer than an hour on a couch. So it's irrelevant that he wants to make a "diagnosis". All he wants is some insight into her mental processes. ANY understanding of her and her personality will help him in the long run. Would it be any different if he wanted to know how to "handle" a cancer patient? Aren't a lot of psychological problems neurological or biological in nature, with the outward symptoms being expressed by way of personality?

My experience with this comes from my previous ex, who had an anxiety disorder and was constantly suffering from bouts of fainting and panic attacks and whom I persuaded to see a therapist (after a long time trying). In my situation I had to be perfect, or in other words I had to constantly act in ways that would re-assure her that I wasn't up to anything like cheating or wasn't going to do things similar to what other people had done to her or whatever, much like you do. I also tried to make a diagnosis of her as well and it turns out that everything I thought was correct. Even still, it was exhausting for me to live like this but I never complained because I loved her and my "diagnosis" was made only in the attempt to understand her so that I could try to be what she needed because if she has any neuroses, these afflictions will make her life that much harder to live and I didn't want to exacerbate them. If you want to deal with the restrictions imposed on you by her then that is your issue to deal with.

The only advice I can give is that you should research what you think she has and use this information as it will help you to understand her mental state all the better and in turn understand how to "handle" her. You know this woman and nobody on this site can tell you any different. I know where you're coming from. Keep it up.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by itried

I can't believe what a hard time some people are giving to the OP. He's come to this website to ask if anyone has had any similar experiences, and all he gets is pedantic responses designed to reprimand him for wondering how he can improve his situation.

---

He posted elsewhere in great detail. I was going by that, what he hasn't said here. And I still don't believe it's a good idea to diagnose a SO. It's usually the pot calling the kettle black.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

He posted elsewhere in great detail. I was going by that, what he hasn't said here. And I still don't believe it's a good idea to diagnose a SO. It's usually the pot calling the kettle black.

---

Sure, I can give you that. I haven't read any post but this. Even still, if she does have some sort of psychological issue, I don't recall him ever saying that he told her that he was going to diagnose her. I think he's just trying to sum up the extent of his experiences with her in his own head. If that's a diagnosis, then so be it. Don't we all do the same thing when we are trying to understand why our partners are the way they are sometimes? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that OP never in fact used the word "diagnosis", but was instead told that what he was doing was tantamount to diagnosing his SO. That's where this whole post kind of spiralled in another direction.

I agree, the post got off track but I think he got some useful info out of it. His original question was just asking for other people's experiences with personality disorders.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by itried

Sure, I can give you that. I haven't read any post but this. Even still, if she does have some sort of psychological issue, I don't recall him ever saying that he told her that he was going to diagnose her. I think he's just trying to sum up the extent of his experiences with her in his own head. If that's a diagnosis, then so be it. Don't we all do the same thing when we are trying to understand why our partners are the way they are sometimes? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that OP never in fact used the word "diagnosis", but was instead told that what he was doing was tantamount to diagnosing his SO. That's where this whole post kinda spiralled in another direction.

---

What was said was a warning, nothing more nothing less. It's up to the OP to decide what to do with the info given to him.
It's not important any more either way. He has info to go by and has no doubt, gone to "figure her out", so as to know how to behave with her and react with her.

I will add one last warning: Changing for some one else is often illadvised, for the person may not recipricate the favor.

"wisdom is everywhere, we need only listen."- Nestorian.

I'm sure they will be fine.

Peace and kindness be with you.

Nestorian, Im not looking to change for anyone, just want to know how to deal with and understand these behaviours from the woman I love more than anything. Sorry she isn't perfect, but I doubt she is evil. There is something wrong, and until she is properly diagnosed and treated, I need all the information I can get.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Nestorian

What was said was a warning, nothing more nothing less. It's up to the OP to decide what to do with the info given to him.
It's not important any more either way. He has info to go by and has no doubt, gone to "figure her out", so as to know how to behave with her and react with her.

I will add one last warning: Changing for some one else is often illadvised, for the person may not recipricate the favor.

"wisdom is everywhere, we need only listen."- Nestorian.

I'm sure they will be fine.

Peace and kindness be with you.

---

The info that he was given, in some cases, didn't even apply to his question. It was just people spouting off about the "dangers of making a diagnosis". He's just looking for people to share experiences that may be similar to his. This is all he wants, so this is all that has any value to him.

I don't think he's wanting to change who he is fundamentally for his SO. I think he's just trying to gain some knowledge so he can exercise some control over his situation; modify his behaviour for his and her good. Only those who have actually been involved with people who are afflicted by PD's really know what he's going through. That may be why we spared him the lectures.

It's also important to note that when you are involved in a relationship with a person who may have a personality disorder, and they then begin seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist, part of their treatment may include being medicated. Since these pharmacological agents are designed to affect their behaviour in some way, they can change into a completely different person when under the influence of these agents. They may begin to think differently, about themselves, life and possibly even you. So you should take note that she may feel differently about being in a relationship with you while she is on medication, if it ever comes to that. I read an interesting article about women, and how their preferences for men change when they are on or off birth control drugs (though they themselves were not aware that they had changed) and this really illuminated me in regards to my ex's behaviour when she was medicated. Look it up, I'm sure you can extend the results to any variety of drugs, whether they be psychoactive or not.

Thanks itried, I do believe my girlfriend is very much in love with me, she never hesitates to tell me so, or even show she does in many ways. The thought of her re-thinking our relationship while engaged in therapy and/or medication has crossed my mind, but, in any case, what is best for her is my primary concern. As I said, I do love her with all my heart whether she decides she does likewise or not if she gets treatment. Her well-being and happiness are much more important to me than holding on to a relationship with her knowing she needs help and not doing anything about it. I really do think though that our relationship will only be stronger for it. But thank you, that is a very good point to consider.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

He handed over his email password to her, avoided being with certain friends she doesn't like, called her when he was told to, was told he can no longer go to someone's house, said he was tired of her "drilling" him. What don't I understand? The best thing he can do is learn how to set boundaries and stick to them. That's my experience with relatives, friends, and clients who have been diagnosed with a PD.

---

I never said that you don't understand anything.

Once again, he's not asking about what he can do in order to make his SO respect his boundaries or whatever. He's asking us to share similar experiences!
So, the best thing, the only thing that WE, the members of this site can do is: Share similar experiences!

How he should decide to handle the relationship hasn't even been asked of us. If I didn't have anything to share, I wouldn't have posted on this thread. It's not my place to make inferences or to speculate on what people need to do. I can only give what is asked of me, nothing more. And how he should conduct himself in order to make his relationship successful in our eyes has not been asked of us.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by itried

The info that he was given, in some cases, didn't even apply to his question. It was just people spouting off about the "dangers of making a diagnosis". He's just looking for people to share experiences that may be similar to his. This is all he wants, so this is all that has any value to him.

I don't think he's wanting to change who he is fundamentally for his SO. I think he's just trying to gain some knowledge so he can exercise some control over his situation; modify his behaviour for his and her good. Only those who have actually been involved with people who are afflicted by PD's really know what he's going through. That may be why we spared him the lectures.

---

Is that so? (This I am asking sincerely.)

May peace and kindness be with you.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Nestorian

Is that so? (This I am asking sincerly.)

May peace and kindness be with you.

---

Yes, that is so.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by sabrewolfe

Thanks itried, I do believe my girlfriend is very much in love with me, she never hesitates to tell me so, or even show she does in many ways. The thought of her re-thinking our relationship while engaged in therapy and/or medication has crossed my mind, but, in any case, what is best for her is my primary concern. As I said, I do love her with all my heart whether she decides she does likewise or not if she gets treatment. Her well-being and happiness are much more important to me than holding on to a relationship with her knowing she needs help and not doing anything about it. I really do think though that our relationship will only be stronger for it. But thank you, that is a very good point to consider.

---

I'm not in a position to say if she does or doesn't have issues which can be sorted out by therapy or whatever. One thing I did learn from my last ex was this: You can't make someone else happy. They are responsible for that themselves. Still, you can facilitate it, which it seems like you are doing.

How she goes about it after therapy is none of your concern. She may want to start all over again once she's "cured". Whether that re-start will include you is anyone's guess. The important thing to consider is that you are willing to sacrifice her (i.e. potentially not being with her after therapy) for her best interests. That may sound kind of strange. I hope you understand what I'm saying.

My ex went the therapy route. She would tell me that a lot of the stuff I came up with in my "diagnosis" of her was dead-on correct and that she was glad that she was going through with it. Therapy is a gradual process and usually it's the patient who comes to have these epiphanies on their own (prodded along by a good therapist, though) However, once she was done with the loading phase of her medication, and it was circulating in her system, I noticed profound changes in her. I had a feeling I would lose her but I was happy that she was getting help with her issues, and believe me, they were ISSUES! In the end, she wanted a clean slate, so she left. I don't regret any of it because I know she knows that I was there for her. I "handled" her at her worst so that some other guy could "be" with her at her best. She used to contemplate suicide and I tried to find as much info as I could to make my "diagnosis" so that I could be there for her. That's life. But in the end, now that I've been through this experience in life, I could never go through with it again.

Hey itried, Im sorry to hear that, and that exactly has crossed my mind, that I would help get her through it and she would end up with someone else afterwards. But, she would still be the mother of my youngest, and at least would be a benefit to him. If we do end up apart, I agree, I wouldn't want to go through it again with anyone else, that's for sure!
But when you were with her, were there any ritualistic things that you found yourself doing to either prevent her behaviour or things you wouldn't normally do? I don't mean as far as giving her your email password or anything, that was fine with me, that was just sharing something as I would in any relationship. Did she accuse you of cheating or did she act very insecure in your relationship without good reason?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by sabrewolfe

Nestorian, Im not looking to change for anyone, just want to know how to deal with and understand these behaviours from the woman I love more than anything. Sorry she isn't perfect, but I doubt she is evil. There is something wrong, and until she is properly diagnosed and treated, I need all the information I can get.

---

I never said she was evil, nor did I say anything about perfect, nor do you have to answer to me?? :confused: (I think you need to not take the answers so personal.)

To deal with something like this requires you to change, other wise why'd you ask your question on this site? Do you know it's a Personality disorder? We don't even know what her behaviours are? What if it's something else? Mental health has a wide spectrum, and very interconnected symptoms. It is hard to figure out what one has even for professionals, which is what it seems that so many do not like them, as the professionals make mistakes too. It seems that every one expects that they just fix a person, that would be nice but that's not how it works, it's a trial and error process.

I am not saying what you are doing is "wrong", and if I did, disregard it and listen to me now. This is "unwise", it is too risky, and open to dangerous consequences. Like I said, you missed my point. Please do not be so quick to assume that I think you are anything but what you are, a man wanting to help his wife, and is willing to give any thing to do so; which is exactly why I'm warning you against it. For both your sake.

If not gaining information to diagnose her then why? "Diagnosis: The act or process of finding out what disease a person or animal has by examination and careful study of the symptoms... 2a careful study of the facts about something to find out it's essential features, faults, etc..."- Gage Canadian Dictionary So you are just going to look at this stuff and what? Because none of it is of use to you unless you believe she has one or another disorder. Does that make sense, I tend to loose people in my logic. Haha, :rolleyes:Heck I get lost in it. Any way, now you know that the fact that you are looking for answers to use to help cope with her, you need to decide at some point she heas this or that. I realise you may not really know it for sure, and eventually will some how get her into a professional, but again I will remind you the list I wrote above is not just a bunch of gibberish. It has wisdom within, but you have to be willing to listen.

Also, in cognitive Psychlogy, there are many types of theropy. One I found interesting was, learning to beaware of "self talk". This book teaches agreat deal about why our thoughts are negative. I won't tell you what you seem to be showing signs of, but even if your girl doesn't want to go to the conseler, that's not to say you can't?

May peace and kindness be with you.

P.S. In my experience, every one has some kind of psychological difficency.

I was with my ex for 6 years and we broke up in September of 08. Those 6 years were very trying for me, but only in retrospect, because while I was going through them I was there willingly, knowing full well what was on the horizon. But just like you, I didn't mind because I loved her.

She was very insecure and I found myself always having to defend myself for the actions of people like my friends, my brother, etc. What I mean is that she would attribute the thoughts and actions of other people to me. So, if someone made a comment that upset her, I would take the blame for it. Just a sympton that stemmed from her trust issues and lack of confidence her past had stripped her of. She would always wonder if I was cheating on her and stuff like that, but I never did or would and it drove me crazy because I could never prove myself to her no matter how hard I tried to. The one thing that I took from this was that I had to be PERFECT! Not necessarily the type of perfect that most women would agree is perfect (or close to). But a special type of perfect that was fitting of her needs (I'm sure you know what I mean by that). This is why I understand your need to make a "diagnosis". Like someone mentioned earlier, it was draining! But like my name implies, I tried. I tried my a-- off!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Nestorian

P.S. In my experience, every one has some kind of psychological difficency.

---

While it may be true that everyone has some sort of psychological deficiency; it should be noted that they can and are at many times measured on a spectrum/continuum, so that there are mild cases which don't necessarily affect cognitive function and extreme cases which do and all those somewhere in between. It is these people who have deficiencies that affect their ability to function "normally" that most case studies in psychology, and hence their theories, etc are based on. So really, how informed can psychologists be. Most of their insights into peoples personalities and why they do what they do stem from studies of "neurotic" people. Not trying to discount psychology/psychologists, after all I did minor in it in university. I'm just saying. Something to think about.

Nestorian, I really think you are missing my concept of starting this thread.
Do you have any personal experience in dealing with someone who has a personality disorder while in a relationship with that person?

Now I can completely understand your name, in another year I might have to change mine to "itried 2"! Yeah, I also understand having to be "special perfect". I think there is a name Sigmuend Freud gave to that. But anyway, was there something in her past that triggered her insecurity with you?