A high after every low,good point! If you're not already doing it,you could start a journal where you write down your thoughts.
Here's a cyberhug from me as well.
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A high after every low,good point! If you're not already doing it,you could start a journal where you write down your thoughts.
Here's a cyberhug from me as well.
She contaced me.
She told me that she now had no feelings for me.
She told me that I needed to get over her.
She also told me that she had feelings for my best friend.
I asked if there were anything between them, she said yes, and I sort of lost it for a sec. Turns out she meant there were friendship between them.
Now she wants a break. A break from me. A break from my best friend. A break where it's just her on her own.
I told her I thought that would be the best for all parts right now.
She told me that she didn't want to hurt me anymore, and that she regretted what she had done, and wished it had all come undone.
I told her how I felt, about me needing a break right now, but that I still have feelings for her and could want to get together with her sometime in the future, when I'm ready to trust her again (with a big maybe). I felt like it might make it worse for her, or for me, but I just had to tell her how I felt.
She told me that she had made several huge mistakes, and that she would never contact me again, so that she couldn't hurt me anymore.
I told her that it's a good idea to have no contact, in order to heal better, but to never ever have contact again might be a little overkill.
I told her that what we need now, both of us, is just time. I told her that I would not contact her, and it's a good idea if she doesn't either.
It will be impossible for us to be just friends right now, and still hard in the future. I still want to be a friend to her though, not as in go to a movie every weekend or something, but I told her that if she really needs me, she can make an exception and contact me.
She told me that she couldn't hear anymore right now, and that she was crying, and that she would always care about me.
I told her that I was crying too. I told her that I care about her, that I still do and that she always will have a special place in my heart.
She told me that hearing how kind I was made this thing harder for her, given how much she has hurt me, and that she couldn't take anything more. She said she was a terrible person, and had ruined me.
I told her about how great a person she is, and that she has done so much great to me. I told her that anyone can make mistakes, and that to me, she still is a wonderful person.
She told me good night, and I said the same plus that I wish her all well.
This post might be a bit of a mess, but so am I right now so I hope you forgive me.
I don't know what to feel right now.
I'm hurt and broken hearted, but certainly less than I would be without you guys and without foreseeing that this could happen. I think the suffering I've done the last days turned out good in a way.
I've sort of jumped down from the cliff already, and landed on a mountain shelf, doing half the jump already, making the last fall to the bottom shorter. (I hope that made sense to you)
In another way, I'm not really shocked. Yes, I had a hope for us being together, but I always expected this to happen. (Sort of mentioned already).
And strangely enough, I am a little relieved. I still feel like knowing is better than thinking. (Atleast in these cases).
I'm trying to look positive. Now, I will go full no contact. It will be even easier, knowing that she wants the same.
It will also be a lot easier to get over what have happened, and eventually to get over her, with a closure like this. Knowing is still better than thinking.
I felt like I had gotten sort of mixed signals of what she wanted, but now I see it pretty clear. That also makes it easier for me.
And to be honest, and a bit selfish, it's good for me to know that she will go no contact with my best friend as well. Don't get me wrong, I wish him all well, but I don't know how I could've forgiven him if he'd stolen my girlfriend - even though I'd want to deep inside.
I'll do my best to move on now, and I think I'll end up fine in the end.
I hope this post didn't get too much of a mess.
I will appreciate all replies and tips and ideas. Thanks!
I'm sorry for the last post being such a mess and so long. I hope you understand most of it, don't hestitate to ask if you have any questions.
Hi Misshersomuch,
Your entry really moved me. Your writing is very clear and would be excellent for a person whom english was their first language.
You seem like a really nice person. Thoughtful and caring. It might seem a bit harsh, but I think that your girlfriend doesn't have the same feelings for you that you have for her. She seems to want to be in love with you because you are so great. She might of felt like she was in love with you at the beginning because of the rush of emotions felt in the start of a relationship.
Also I think she is showing these conflicting signals of wanting to be with you and not wanting to be with you, because you make her feel good, you comfort her, and love her so much. You are providing her with so much love that she can see that loving you would be perfect. I think everyone wants to be in love with someone who loves them so deeply.
I think she doesn't want to let you go, because you seem to be one of the only highlights in her currently turmultous life. And at the same time she feels very guilty for holding onto you for these reasons. She knows you want a romantic relationship with her, and that she doesn't have the feelings that would allow her to honestly give that to you. She really likes you and values you. She believes you deserve to be treated better, and deserve to be in a loving relationship.
I think the best way you could serve her is by just being her friend. I think you need to move on romantically. Not just for yourself but for both of you. I think you need to be the strong one, you seem very mature and grounded. So I think you'll have to be the one to do it, because she is not in the right place or strong enough to do it. You aren't helping her by letting her treat you this way. She feels very guilty and this just adds to the troubles in her life. Instead you can be a really good friend and let her go. I think if you are able to you should continue to support her and be a really great friend.
I hope this is helpful. And I hope that no matter what you end up doing, that you are happy.
I didn't realise there were more posts after the first page. Well... my above post is a bit late and now seems a bit thoughtless. I hope that you feel better soon. I am sad that you are feeling so bad right now. Break ups are really hard and so are broken hearts.
I am really glad though, to have read you entries, because now I know there are really great guys out there (well at least one). I don't know what else to say. I just wish I could say something of comfort or say something to help you, but I can't think of anything. I am glad (even though you are hurting) that you know what the situation is. In my mind I am certain that you'll meet some really great people and have a better relationship. But that will probably not help you feel better right now.
Umm, if I could give you some advice from my past, it took me 1 year to get over my last boyfriend, but even though it hurt so much, now I am not hurting. Time does mend your pain, even if it unfortunately takes a long time. And knowing that you have other people around you who love you and care for you also helps, i.e. family. Well again, I hope you feel better and see the sunshine come out once again.
PS. Even though it is irrelevant, I think you are a really great writer, your writing is really easy to read, it just flows. Ok that is a bit irrelevant :s
Also, I think you deserve to be with someone who is able to return your love.
Umm, I hope that is not too abrupt.
Thanks a lot for all of your kind words Llisa.
I really appreciate your words on my writing as well, and I do write some songs for my band, so I take it as a compliment that you think I write good.
I do hope and believe that in time, I will feel better, although that seems really far ahead right now. I should be sleeping a long time ago, but I just can't get myself to do it.
I think my days at school will be dreadful. You see, we go to the same school, but at least we don't take any classes together, that's the good news. I think I can manage to stay away from her, if I can express it that way, for some time at school. I don't think seeing her will do any good to me right now.
If I can't be her boyfriend, I'd really love (pun intended) being her friend, but we both see this as a really weird situation. It's hard enough to imagine my life without her right now, if not to imagine being with her without holding her hand or kissing her, not to mention if my best friend would be the one to do that. I think that a friendship, where we regularly spend time together, will be far into the future.
Deep inside, I know that this isn't the end of my romantic life. I know I will meet others, maybe (or guaranteed?) someone "better", and I am still very young so I really have all of my life ahead of me, not behind me.
The problem is that even though I know all of this deep inside, that within time, "all will be good", it's so hard to really, fully believe in that, and that's partly what's bothering me right now.
Thanks again, for all of your kind and helping words! :)
Well, I can't say that was the best night of my life. I had about 40 minutes of sleep, from around 09.50 to 10.30 (it's 11 o'clock here now). The rest of the time, I spent just lying around thinking about everything. And missing her. I miss her a lot.
Anyone have any tips as far as how I can keep from thinking about her when I need to sleep? It's bad enough to feel bad about this all of the day, but if I do so all of the night as well, sooner or later I'll go crazy.
You need your sleep, I'd suggest you tire yourself out physically before bed,go for a run or something similar.
Try a soothing herbal tea such as chamomile before going to bed.
It is tough,but hang in there, you will get over this.
Update again. You see, I saw her again today.
The thing is, I had borrowed this hat from her for a school project (prior to this whole thing), and I knew that she'd want it back sooner or later, and decided sooner would be better, as it would be better to get it over with and the move on without having to see her in that way at a later time.
I was heading downtown anyway, and her house is more or less on the way there (it's a bit of a detour, but not more than a couple of minutes). On the way down, I couldn't do it, but on the way up I decided to do it.
I just put the hat in their mailbox, and sent her a short message saying thanks for letting me borrow it and where I'd put it.
She immediately replied saying I could've kept it.
I told her thanks, but no thanks, I couldn't do that, and that it was hers.
Shortly after she asked me if I had left, and told me that she would appreciate a hug.
I said that I had just slipped the hat in there and left, to not break the no contact deal too much, but if she really wanted a hug, of course she would get one.
So yeah, nothing much happened, we just hugged basically, and then she had to go, and so did I.
Anyway, I strangely feel better after this. It wasn't a particularly romantic hug, just a good, friendly hug.
But the last time I talked with her (last night), we talked online, so it felt really good to get a real chance to say goodbye to her. It also felt good to know that we still are friends (I hope you understand what I mean here).
A couple of minutes later, I sent her a message and apologised for contacting her, but told her that I meant it well, and I promised to leave her be from now on.
I haven't got a reply from her (yet?), but neither were I expecting one.
She didn't behave like I'd thought she would, but then again, neither did I. I thought I would end up crying on her shoulder for half an hour, but I kept myself from doing that. Perhaps I was just out of tears, I don't know.
The bottom line is that it felt good seeing her this last time, for closure, and that I now feel fit to really start getting over it.
EDIT: I should add, that even though this feeling is good, it hurts as well because it means I'm one step closer to realizing and accepting that me and her probably never will happen again.
Remember the highs after the lows! Sticking to nc from now on will work wonders.
I hope you get a better night's sleep tonight!
You're definitely doing the right thing. I hope you get a great sleep and wake up with a renewed attitude.
There's a great gal out there waiting for you. Be patient, the pain lessen soon and you'll be open to have that new relationship.
So, long time, no update. I don't think it's necessary to write everything that's happened since the last update, but I'll give you the main idea.
On Sunday, she initiated contact again. She sendt me about 20 love songs over Facebook, and told me that she still had feelings for me.
I told her that I still had feelings for her, and that I was willing to give her another chance if she could tell me the right thing.
She told me that she couldn't do it yet, she was still confused.
She told me that she wanted to talk with me the next day, face to face. I agreed, and she logged of.
So, the next day, I send her a message saying that if she still wants to talk, she can just send me a message, and that I was free the whole afternoon. I didn't get any reply.
That night, I chat with her again. She had to go eat. When she got back, I didn't get any reply. I told her that if she wanted me to stop contacting her again, I'd understand. She said Yes, and logged of.
So, I've decided that I'm not going to put up with this anymore. I've made it clear how I feel about it. If she wants me to support her, I'll be there for her. If she wants me back, I'll give her another chance and the time she should need, but she changes her mind all the time. I don't think it's too much to ask to have the same answer for more than 12 hours at a time.
I know this isn't an easy time for her, but she needs to understand that it isn't for me either.
So, from now on, I'm going to go 100% no contact on her. I wasn't ready for this earlier, but now, I think I might reject her calls and not answer to messages. I'm going to do my best at it, anyway.
After hurting me so much, all I did was try to support her, and what do I get? Rejection and mixed signals. So, if she wants me back now, she's going to have to convince me. I won't come running back to her.
It's not easy though, I still miss her. I'm changing a bit in my feelings now, though. Whereas I have spent the last week crying and feeling sad, I have for example slept a total of 6 hours since the last update, I now only feel empty, really.
I don't know if it's because I'm starting to move on, or because I've just cried out all of my tears and that I'm exhausted, but I just feel this emptiness inside. I still have urges to send her messages, but so far I have been able to reject them.
I don't really think I have mentally excepted that it's really over us before last night. I really feel better already, I'm starting to look forward. I know it will take time, but I also know I'll get through this.
I have three goals for the next two days.
1: Maintain no contact.
2: Go to the gym.
3: Really fix things with my best friend.
Oh yeah, plus to start eat like a normal person again and to get some sleep. I'm surviving mainly on coffee nowadays.
I've read all of the stickies, and they have helped me a lot. If you have any other tips to me, about no contact or moving on, or anything really, please tell me!
Thanks for your time, help and replies!
Hey misshersomuch,
I'm really glad that you've decided to have no contact with her. I think it is the right thing to do. At this point any contact with her will just drag you down. I think you're right not to reply to any of her messages or other contact. I don’t think there is any reason for you to contact her. There is however a huge reason for you not to contact her, and that is that it doesn’t do you any good. Instead you would be prolonging this.
Regarding your best friend, I think it's great that you forgave him. But I think it is too early to be trying to repair things with him. I think you should give it more time. One for you to heal, but also to give your mind a bit more time for it to digest what has happened (I don’t mean by you constantly thinking about it, but just by letting your mind get use to what has happened, it must have been a great shock).
There is also a risk of your friend and ex getting together. Even though they are great people, care about you a lot and are nice and kind, it does not mean they won't do something. I'm not saying you should not trust them because they are bad but because they are human, and because you guys are relatively young (I only mean you guys haven’t had much practice at these kind of situations yet, though sometimes that doesn’t help either) and everything is so emotional, and because they are both nice people and they like each other, it is likely that they will get together. Of cause this is not fair for them to do this, but they won't be doing it to hurt you. So for the sake of your friendship with your best friend, I think you should give it time and space. I really think you should do this.
So instead of spending time with either of these people I think it would be better for you right now to be doing things with your other friends. Try to develop your friendships with the other people close to you. Spend heaps of your time doing things with them and while doing this try not to talk about your break up, really don't talk about it. This will distract you a bit from all the drama etc, and you might even surprise yourself by actually enjoying at least some of it. And anyway you'll be thinking about it enough the rest of the time :)
I hope this helps. And I hope you are happier no matter what you choose to do :)
PS. I know this is easier to say than do, but try to dig extra deep and stick to whatever rules you set yourself.
PPS. I just thought of a good idea, when you have a clear mind, why don't you get a piece of paper and come up with some rules for yourself to follow. Things that you think would be best for you. Right now I think you should only be trying to look after yourself, this will be the best thing not only for you but also for all others involved.
I think you've reached the stage where you have had to realise that you need to look after YOU and that you don't deserve this confusion anymore.100% no contact works so stick to it. I find watching comedies and laughing my head off works wonders if I'm down in the dumps,so you could give that a go. Look after yourself.
"Right now I think you should only be trying to look after yourself"
1: Maintain no contact.
2: Go to the gym.
3: Really fix things with my best friend.
YES!! Not just the next 2 days, but from now on.
Yo got it man, keep it up. Don't just say it. Do it.
Hi misshersomuch,
I just wanted to say something more positive. I was rereading your original post and I think you are very optimistic, open and giving. And the best thing is that you are open to love. I think this guarantees a life of love :)
Anyway, I hope you are sleeping better. Best wishes, Lisa
PS. About my second last post (the long one :s), I think I might have been a bit pushy. I apologise if I was.
No worries, thanks for the replies and tips, plus all of your kind words!
Well, I spoke with my GF in the weekend, and I asked her straight out if there was something more between her and my best friend than just being friends. She said no, and that she couldn't do that towards me. Today, I asked my best friend straight out as well, asked him to be completely honest. He said that they were just friends, and that he had decided to cut contact with her as well, given all the things that have happened.
In a strange way, I feel better after this. Don't get me wrong - I wish them both all well, but it would break my heart to see my ex with my best friend, at least while I still have these feelings for her.
I slept better tonight than earlier, so I hope I'm getting better. People at school commented that I looked more happy than in a while as well.
Things seem to be clearing out with my and my best friend now, I mean it's still sort of tense between us, or at least was before we talked, because he have been thinking that he ruined my life and I have been thinking that he's been trying to steal my girlfriend, but we seem to be making it now.
I'm feeling better day by day now, I can finally begin to see the end of this.
Thanks for the replies everyone!
Help, I can't stop thinking about her! Even when I'm at my busiest, like at school today, where we had an exam-light (called tentamen as opposed to eksamen in norwegian), and the deadline came closer, I just couldn't concentrate.
I saw her today, and I just froze instantly and could barely walk. I got out a hi to her as we passed, but couldn't even look he properly in her face.
I think there might be something going on between my best friend and my girlfriend after all, although I think I might just be "jealous" or something, I don't know. Anyway, I've figured out he has talken to her lately. I asked him if he knew how she was doing, and he said she was doing better so yeah. They have had contact. I don't know how to feel towards this, in one way, if they get together, I will feel let down by both of them.
By him because he said he wouldn't do that, because he said he didn't have contact with her now, and because it would essentially be stealing my girlfriend.
By her because, well, she'd break my heart even more. If there's one thing I don't think I can handle right now, it's to see her in his arms and kissing him etc.
And given that she have said that she don't want to hurt me anymore, ever again, and that she wanted to cut contact with both of us, I kind of feel like it's just my emotions and insecurity making me jealous.
But on the other hand, if they were to get together, what could and should I do? I know I'd have to avoid them - at least for a while, because as I said, I couldn't handle seeing them together in that way while I still have these feelings for her. But on the other hand, if they want each other, I'd sort of feel bad for standing the way of that as well, and I can't control or decide over any of them.
I'm trying to get over her, but it's not easy. I still love her so much, and I miss her every day, but I know I need to move on now. I just don't know how to do it, really.
I'm also thinking about giving her a christmas present, a bad idea? I don't think of doing it to win her back, or to give her one hundred red roses or something, just something casual like I give to my friends, as a friend to her. What do you guys think about that?
Thanks for all replies :).
It's that darn emotional rollercoaster,some days are not great- I hope your tenta went well in spite of this.
As for what may or may not happen or what may be going on between the two of them,I'd trust them for now and try not to think about that.
You know,it's one day at the time at this stage so be patient with yourself.
.
I'd be giving her a Christmas present all right, I'd be sending the 20 love songs back to her, along with a 'dear john' letter.
Is this ever going to stop? How can you move forward when you are expecting, and receiving, smacks in the head from her.
The past is the past. Even if you add to the past with new knowledge of what went wrong, you will never have all the answers you need, and why do you need them anyway- hanging on a thread of hope?
There comes a point where you can't go in two directions at the same time. You have a life to live, and you've exhausted the relationship, possible relationship, questions about the relationship, and the what ifs about the relationship, the past of the relationship, possible future of the relationship, and never stay put long enough to say, 'Enough!! '.
Do more than just talk about it this time. Just do it. Make 2010 YOUR year to shine, without any baggage from 2009. I liked the idea of making a list, and sticking to it as Llisa suggested. That doesn't mean changing it, adding to it, taking things off it, modifying it, or misinterpreting it to suit your mood at the moment.
Like all things, there is a beginning, a middle and an end. You've gone through the first two okay, but somehow you can't cross the finish line. There are too many emotional barriers you are setting up there like hurdles. Just picture in your mind that the finish line is just ahead. Crowds cheering, lights flashing, flags waving. You pull out of the inside lane, and pass your friend, and realize you are catching up to your girlfriend past, and as you pass her, you see a look of panic on her face. She realizes she can't keep you in this race longer than her, and she isn't going to win! You sprint like a spring pony right across that line- arms up in the air to the sound of adoring fans (AMHD people of course), and right into that beautiful place of the biggest win of your life!
You see behind you now that your ex has fallen flat on her face, and what sounds like a pathetic verse of some love song, and your best friend is limping along, and will eventually make the finish line, but in last place.
You have WON the race!! You rule!! Just as you accept your trophy, the town clock rings 12 times, and Happy New Year!! It is 2010, and you realize you have not only won the race, but you've won your freedom!
Don't look back, no regrets, move on, enjoy this short life, one victory at a time.
I forgot the Xmas present,it's not a good idea,you need to distance yourself from the friendship idea till you're completely over her,
Who knows buy then you might not even want her for a friend?
I don't really know if you are being ironic or not, but the christmas present would be as neutral as it can get, if you understand me. A friendly gift, not a boyfriendly gift.Quote:
Originally Posted by Jake2008
I agree, and I have actually thought a bit about that. I'm thinking that if this happens again, with her showing me some love before she backs out again, I will react stronger.Quote:
Is this ever going to stop? How can you move forward when you are expecting, and receiving, smacks in the head from her.
I'm thinking among the lines: "I've made it clear that I want to support you, and that I still have feelings for you, but you cannot keep playing with my feelings this way. If you want me back, and say the right things, I will be willing to give you another chance. If you need time, I'll wait (though not forever) and give you the time. If you want to stay broken-up, alright. But don't play with my emotions and my mind."
Yeah, I guess I am hanging on a thread of hope. But I can't live with insecurity, really. I'm a very curious guy. I'd rather know that she never wants me or know that she might want me or know that she is dating my best friend than to have my mind spinning and wandering like this.Quote:
The past is the past. Even if you add to the past with new knowledge of what went wrong, you will never have all the answers you need, and why do you need them anyway- hanging on a thread of hope?
Thanks for the great advices!Quote:
There comes a point where you can't go in two directions at the same time. You have a life to live, and you've exhausted the relationship, possible relationship, questions about the relationship, and the what ifs about the relationship, the past of the relationship, possible future of the relationship, and never stay put long enough to say, 'Enough!! '.
Do more than just talk about it this time. Just do it. Make 2010 YOUR year to shine, without any baggage from 2009. I liked the idea of making a list, and sticking to it as Llisa suggested. That doesn't mean changing it, adding to it, taking things off it, modifying it, or misinterpreting it to suit your mood at the moment.
Like all things, there is a beginning, a middle and an end. You've gone through the first two okay, but somehow you can't cross the finish line. There are too many emotional barriers you are setting up there like hurdles. Just picture in your mind that the finish line is just ahead. Crowds cheering, lights flashing, flags waving. You pull out of the inside lane, and pass your friend, and realize you are catching up to your girlfriend past, and as you pass her, you see a look of panic on her face. She realizes she can't keep you in this race longer than her, and she isn't going to win! You sprint like a spring pony right across that line- arms up in the air to the sound of adoring fans (AMHD people of course), and right into that beautiful place of the biggest win of your life!
You see behind you now that your ex has fallen flat on her face, and what sounds like a pathetic verse of some love song, and your best friend is limping along, and will eventually make the finish line, but in last place.
You have WON the race!! You rule!! Just as you accept your trophy, the town clock rings 12 times, and Happy New Year!! It is 2010, and you realize you have not only won the race, but you've won your freedom!
Don't look back, no regrets, move on, enjoy this short life, one victory at a time.
My problem is in my mind, I believe. I want to get over her now, because chances are we'll never be together again. I want to be able to be happy without her. Maybe I want to meet some new girl in the future to share (parts?) of my life with, and I want to be able to get over her. But right now, I also want her back.
I just can't get over her, but can't do it. I don't know why.
I think I have done what I have read about on this forum, placing her over me. Her happiness over mine, her wishes over mine. I realize now that might have been a bad idea, but I still somewhat stand behind my choices, because on one hand I can't be happy if she isn't (or at least couldn't while being her boyfriend).
In addition, I'm still, as mentioned, hanging on a last thread of hope. I still love her so much, and she have sent me mixed signals - some saying maybe, some saying never, and I just don't want to burn all the bridges. I just want to get over her right now.
If she some time in the future comes to me and wants me back, that's something I will consider then. If I at that time want that as well, well then maybe, but even though I have hope of this, I don't want to hang on to that hope and wait forever. I want to let her know this in a way without burning all bridges, if you understand. I'm thinking in a way that I can't promise that my door for her will always be open, but it will never be locked either, just closed, so knocking might be worth while.
Thanks, it went all right I think. I don't think it got that much worse because of my mind.Quote:
Originally Posted by amicon
That's the thing, I really want to trust them both, but the fact that he's had contact with her even though he told me otherwise makes it harder for me. What happened as described earlier in the thread doesn't exactly increase my trust towards them either.
Thanks, I will try to keep up day by day, I've been doing good so far, had a high of almost 24 hours prior to today, so it's been good recently.
I don't want to hang out with her or keep in touch with her daily. I just want to show her that I still care about her in a nice way. I'm not talking a very expensive gift here, just something she'll enjoy and be happy from. I might just write her a card as well.Quote:
Originally Posted by amicon
I will definitely consider all of those options, gift, card and nothing. I'm really not sure at this point.
Thanks for all of the replies!
You were friendly with her family weren't you? You could send one card to the whole family.:-)
Yes, but I think her mother were kind of splitted. She have actually been worried about me taking drugs (at one point I had a mohawk), but I and my girlfriend have assured her that I'm not into that stuff at all. I barely drink to get drunk, and never considered drugs.
She seemed to trust me after this initial suspiscion though, and I never heard anything abou the likes after.
Her father, I always got along well with, and her sister as well.
The card to the whole family would certainly be a good idea, but anyway I think I need some time to decide what to do in this case, and after all I still have som time.
Thanks for the great tip (: .
Your welcome!
Take care now!
Until you make a decision to put this behind you, and leave her alone, then it will be hard to look forward and see or pursue better options, and opportunities, that may be right in front of you.
I can understand your need for closure, and its much easier to give up if you know she has. Well she has guy, she isn't coming back.
Its not burning bridges to leave her alone, or don't send her anything for the holiday. That's acceptance, and you need that a lot more than closure, so you can heal your wounds, and start to fill the hole in your soul with the right things.
Letting the past go completely, is what sets you free. Only you can do this for yourself.
Thanks for the great advice talaniman. I don't know how you do it, but all of the advices I've read from you makes everything seem so clear.
I have gone for what I believe is three days now, without contacting her and I've been feeling better and better for each day.
It's just so hard for me to imagine her with anyone right now, especially my best friend. I guess seeing her move on that quickly (if that happens) would serve in both ways, in one way I'd feel more down because I'd feel like she didn't really take this thing that hard, and doesn't miss me. On the other hand, that would serve as a bit of closure.
I think you're right about her not coming back. It's just a dream I have. I see clearly now some things in the past that should have been red flags to me, as far as this thing (break-up) coming up. I'm just not very well at reading signs.
I will do my best to just let her and all of this go completely, I know I can do it. I just need a little time, I still feel like I need more time, but that's probably 100% normal. I'm in one way sad that christmas is coming up now, because it could potentially ruin a lot of my christmas spirit, but on the other hand I think it will be a well timed break.
In any way, I still don't think my best friend would be with my girlfriend, at least not yet. When I say he is a good guy, I really mean it. He's like the one guy who stands against if someone talks some about someone, even if the stuff they say is true. So, I trust him, but I have to admit I have a hard time - even though I don't want to - trusting my GF after all that's happened.
All I know is that I don't want to lose my best friend. I think there's a lot true in that friendships lasts forever, sweethearts come and go.
I will definietly try to get over it, to maintain no contact and accept my "fate" (sounds a bit overdramatic.)
On one hand, I still want to show her that I care about her by sending her something, maybe just a plain Happy Christmas card. But on the other hand, I think you're right about me having to move on from her now. I also think that she might need that in a way, I want to help her through her hard time as a friend as well, but she can't feel that I'm ALWAYS there either, she needs to take steps on her own some time as well (for all I know she already has).
As things are looking now, I will most likely not have any contact with her before next year. Unless she initiates, and it turns out to be something I cannot ignore (I.E. depression etc.).
Thanks a lot for your great reply and helping tips, talaniman :)!
Hi Misshersomuch,
There are so many new events that have happened that I want to reply to. But I'd like to say I didn't read all the pages of this feed. Until yesterday, I had only read pages one, five and six. After reading the pages in between I'm concerned about your ex's emotional state.
Because she was really depressed and had suicidal thoughts, I think she needs professional help. Even though she might be in an okay state now, I think she will need a professional to assist her with how to deal with the times when she is really stressed and down. Life being full of highs and lows, she will need to learn how to cope with the lows in a healthy way.
Do you know if she started seeing a psychiatrist? Also do her parents know about her depression and suicidal thoughts? You said that she doesn't get along well with her mother, and you also disclosed that there was a terrible incident with her mother and father where they emotionally hurt her. Are they good parents? Do they love her and want to support her with this?
If you think they will support her, then I think you should definitely tell them about her depression, anxiety, stress and suicidal thoughts. If you don't think they will, does she have a trusted aunt or uncle? Please let me know.
I understand that you might think telling her parents is to betray her trust, but the fact that she got so down as to think about suicide, makes the issue serious. I am definitely not pushing for you to tell them or anybody else who you think will not support her. I just mean in this situation appropriate action needs to be taken. Also I am not saying that she is in danger of taking drastic steps, but just for her general well being, I think the issue needs to be addressed properly.
Please note that I think you should maintain your no contact rule with her. I don't think you should talk to her or contact her at all. I think you will not be able to help her right now, because you are pretty messed up at the moment. I think you need to deal with your own issues and perhaps you might benefit from counselling as well, maybe a psychologist.
I also think you should maintain no contact with her, because you will likely unintentionally emotionally drain her a bit (because you love her and want to be with her). Neither of you need the added strain on your emotional states at the moment. And I think it would just complicate the current issues for you both.
I missed the last few posts, before I posted the above. Maybe you shouldn't get involved. It sounds like how you are dealing with everything has improved dramatically. I agree with talaniman and so am glad to see you've taken his advice. Keep strong, and I hope you keep moving forward.
I have considered talking with her parents about this, also at several earlier occations while we were still dating. I said that I could just be there with her, or talk for her if she wanted me to, so that they could understand how she was doing (and still is).
She wouldn't let me, not at all. She wanted to deal with this herself, I accepted this but told her I'd help her any way I could and she would want me to.
The thing is that she have tried to tell them about her situation several times, but because she's always hided her real emotions, or at least some of them, from her parents, because she didn't want them to know that she was depressed, they wouldn't believe her when she told them about how she actually was doing. They said that she shouldn't complain and that life is though. They don't believe her when she tells them how she is doing.
I don't know, and don't think, that she's seeing any expert yet. I believe she's still waiting for one via the school nurse, but I don't know for sure.
I do know that one of her friends have gone through a lot of the same things that she is doing now, with the home situation, and that she frequently speaks with her though. So she is talking with an amateur expert if I might call it that.
I do know that over the last three weeks or so, she have (not sure how often) talked a bit about her situation with her teachers as well as with the school nurse, and I think that she is trying to deal with this herself. I've told her that even though I'm not her boyfriend now, I still want to help her through this, so if she needs me she can contact me.
Based on this, I've decided to not talk about her issues with anyone, I even keep most of the stuff away from my best friend, even though he knows some of it. I'm just not comfortable talking with anyone about her behind her back, even if it's with a good intention.
I'm still going no contact, and today was definitely another high for me, I was able to not think about her throughout most of the day at school, had quite a bit of fun, and I believe I was able to hide my sadness, if you understand what I mean. To shut away the sad feelings and keep happy.
Thanks a lot for the tips, but as long as I know that she is dealing with this herself and doesn't want my involvement right now, I will stay away from both her, her parents and anyone else, regarding her emotional state.
I'm considering to go talk with the school nurse on Monday, but I haven't quite decided yet. I feel like I'm doing better already, and I'm getting frequent attention and help from my teachers, but then again I might just be fooling myself.
Thanks a lot for your replies Llisa!
See the nurse on Monday if you feel like it,I do think you're doing well though,and you will continue to do so by sticking to the no contact and keeping busy.
Plus you have a support network which is always a good thing.
Keep going!:-)
Stay out of the way of her helping herself, as you have enough work to do on yourself. Leave her parents out of this, as you should be leaving them alone as well.
Nice you want to support her as a friend, but right now I think it does more harm than good for you both.
Sorry guy, I understand your feelings, but strict NC, is the thing to do. Hard at this time of year, but for the best. That includes a Christmas greeting. Bad idea.
I think you might be right, talaniman, because I have that feeling as well, and you always seem to be right, so I will do as you suggest and stay away from her regarding a Christmas greeting as well.
But what if she contacts me, though? I know I'm not ready for either a friendship or dating right now, but I don't want to be 100 % rejective, that's just not how I roll. I guess that if she sends me a message saying Merry Christmas, I'll just reply the same, keeping it short and simple. Or should I rather ignore the message?
I'm kind of splitted here, both things seem to make sense to me.
Thanks a lot for the reply, talaniman :) .
Yeah, I think I'll do that. If not for nything else, it feels good to have someone to talk to.Quote:
Originally Posted by amicon
Thanks, I really feel like I'm doing progress already myself, so I will definitely stick to no contact. Having people to talk to is great.
Thanks a lot!
For NC to work it needs to be 100% and that includes ignoring all contact that the ex initiates as well as not contacting her yourself.
You're doing this for you and your healing,not to be rude,but so that you won't take a step backwards after a contact.
Its about you and your life now.
That's cool, as long as you keep it very short.Quote:
I guess that if she sends me a message saying Merry Christmas, I'll just reply the same, keeping it short and simple.
Its like passing someone on a side walk, they say "HI", and you say "HI", and you both keep walking.
Yeah, that's what I thought. I'm not going to ignore her if I walk past her, I'll still say hi to her, you know.
But I'm starting to move on now, I think. I don't think I would be depressed or hurt if she were to go out with my best friend, at this point. I'd feel let down by my best friend, and it remains to be seen if he could be forgiven for such a thing, first stealing my GF and then lying about it, but I'd be more angry than sad, really.
And if she does all she have done, and then goes out with my best friend and lies about it, saying they don't even have contact - well then she's not really a girl I'd want. I think I deserve better than that, after all.
I'm going to talk with my best friend tomorrow, I think, and I'll ask him straight out, because I need to know if something is going on between them. I won't talk to her about it no matter what his reply is, but I just need to know where he is standing right now.
Thanks for all of your replies everyone, and your help. It's really working, I feel better by the hour tonight.
Take care everyone.
Ask your friend to be totally honest with you,you deserve nothing else.
You take care too and let us know how it goes.
I talked with my friend today.
Before I said something, I needed to know where he was standing right now, with my ex, so I asked him straight out.
He told me that after all this, there obviously had been a bit of contact between them, you know, talking, but that they had decided to take a break.
I told him how I felt about the thing.
I told him that I feel like there's a line that you don't cross with your friends girlfriend, and that I feel like he has. I also told him that even though I felt forgiving him was the right thing to do this time, he couldn't expect a forgiveness to come this easily if something like this should happen again.
I had a really hard time just saying those few words, so I just had to leave after I had said that.
Shortly afterwards, I sent him a message, asking if he understood what I meant and if he could understand how I felt. He said he really could.
I asked him if they were friends or something more right now, and he said that they were friends and just had talked a bit after all that's happened.
He said that he felt like a break between them was the best thing for all of us right now.
I told him that I feel I deserve him being completely honest with me, and asked him if there were something more between them than just being friends, even if it's on hold for now.
He said that he doesn't know how she feels right now, but that he has a friendship with her, and that right now it's not working, so he told them to take a break.
I'm glad that he was honest with me, and I feel relieved just having said my part to him, no matter what the outcome should be.
I believe him when they say they are just friends, and on a break, and to be honest, I'm glad, because I don't know if I could've handled anything between them right now.
The only thing I don't like is how he constantly uses the words on a break, it makes me feel like there's something more going on between them, but I guess I might be overanalyzing things right now.
What do you guys think?
I think I would keep my distance from them both, and be busy with doing my own thing for a while. The world is to big to be stuck in an uncomfortable situation, and its filled with a lot of interesting people, who are not confused, stuck on stupid, or conflicted about themselves.
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