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You get 100 points for knowing what's best for you. If your not ready to be friends ,then don't rush yourself into an uncomfortable situation. She may be ready, but your not. Recognise what you need and take the time you need. If she is a friend, then she will understand and be supportive. Be honest with her and yourself.
Sorry good point. We are in different states and we broke up over the phone. Not in a relationship right now.
And you want to start again or are you wondering about seeing her when you travel to her home state?
Is she the same girl you mentioned in another thread u posted today?
If you are in different states, and broke up over the phone how has the other person 'come back'?
Ok let me be more clear, I tried to make it simple and I think I made it more confusing. Basically she asked for a temporary break for like 3 weeks, I thought about it because it has gotten way too serious. SHe said we are at different points in our lives right now and it is too hard. I said 3 weeks won't change that, lets have a real break while we still feel good about each other.
So we haven't talked in a month because I told her a about a month ago that when I was coming to Michigan it would be best if we don't see each other, it will be too hard. So we hadn't talked since until 2 nights ago she messaged me and said she missed me and was thinking about me. I kept it short. SHe called again last night to say hi.
My question is I would love to see her but I am not sure if it is the right play. I have kept myself busy and plan to do it and not change. I would like to talk to her more but I think it is way too soon right now. Now that I know she misses me this is where it becomes key. But analyzing everything and planning every move just makes it worse.
I DO not want to get back together with her. SHe is still in school and right now we would just break up again in a few months. I think she doesn't want a serious relationship right now as do I , but she doesn't want to lose me.
Not sure how to play it from here on out
Yes KRS
Thanks Tal, I agree because as soon as we talked my roommate said you were doing amazing and now you seem to revert back, stay strong and don't let this ruin your progress.
So I do agree, I just feel like even though she called just to say hi, we talked much more than that. So even though she would say I am just calling to say hi, is it that big of a deal I feel like maybe it is.
Here is the big issue everyone. When we weren't talking all I wanted was to in the future to be able to talk to her again, not on a regular basis but just at some point after enough time. Then when she calls, I want nothing more than more time. Does that make sense?
Basically she asked for a temporary break for like 3 weeks, I thought about it because it has gotten way too serious. I said 3 weeks won't change that, lets have a real break while we still feel good about each other. If you felt good about one another, there has to be a really, really bad or really really good reason for this 'break'.
So we haven't talked in a month because I told her a about a month ago that when I was coming to Michigan it would be best if we don't see each other, it will be too hard. You should not have told her you were going to be in the area, NOT visiting her. It was a bad move, and perhaps she is calling just to call.
My question is I would love to see her but I am not sure if it is the right play. I have kept myself busy and plan to do it and not change. I would like to talk to her more but I think it is way too soon right now. Now that I know she misses me this is where it becomes key. But analyzing everything and planning every move just makes it worse. It will be the wrong thing to do if you go back into communicating with her again, with tension, wonder, etc on your mind, especially if you act in some way to lead her on. Make it clear you want to be friends only if she brings up wanting more. The break was a huge mistake in the first place, if things were going well. The both of you should make up your mind as to what you want out of a relationship.
I DO not want to get back together with her. SHe is still in school and right now we would just break up again in a few months. I think she doesn't want a serious relationship right now as do I , but she doesn't want to lose me. You said it yourself, the 'break' thing could end up being a habit and that isn't good for either of you. If its better to be apart and simply long distance friends then so be it, that is how it has to be if the two of you wish to respect each other's 'place in life'. You want a commitment, and she doesn't; not very likely to work well, as it didn't the first time.
I don't want a commitment. I enjoy being single. The reason I said the break went well, is we both understand that it was too much. LDR is so hard, and we felt it was going down the all or nothing path, and we liked the all but looking 7 years down the road was too much for the both of us. So a little bad and good. But both recognizing it was key, I told her I have no ill will to her, this is the best thing, and if it is meant to be it is meant to be.
I just am trying to figure out how to get her to go away for awhile and forget about me so I can move on and then we can begin talking somewhere down the road. Or am I better talking to her once in awhile to just check in. I know it seems like I am not fine but I overanalyze everything. I am meeting new girls out here, working out already lost 13 lbs, I am playing sports, going out all the time, doing well in work. I have always been a social person, I just never have been in a relationship before this and sometimes I just don't know how to act. I would want her back somewhere down the road, but just don't know how to make that happen without me stressing all the time. I feel like moving on is the only way and being a little bit of an .
Trying to keep her around if you may want her in the future isn't a good idea, it's the same thing as keeping her hopes up, and both are wrong. You may, along with her, could end up getting hurt in the process and not be friends at all. You can't control how she feels about you, but if want to, keep in touch with her as long as you don't have cruel intentions to keep her around in case you change your mind. Hindsight is 20/20, if you don't want her now, you never might.
Very true, but it is more like I don't want to disappear from her life. She was the best thing that happened to me. It was all TIMING not compatibility. We started basically in an LDR and those never work. So you are all right making good points.
Enough is enough. INstead of going and having fun and then keep on stressing over her. I need to think about myself and not about how it will affect her. I need to be honest with her and say even little calls don't help. I feel good about where I am at right now let's try to both give each other more space and time. Even though she may be hurt again by it, I think it is the best thing.
LDR are more hard work than normal relationships, I speak from experience. But they are very rewarding and satisfying if you keep your word, both ways :D
That's good of you then, be selfless, hopefully she (as well as you) will find someone to be with.
Yes it does. It shows you recognise you are moving forward and don't want to move back. Give yourself another 100 points for having gotten healthy to be able to think, and you love it cause it feels good to be rational again and make decisions based on what you really want. Be honest and tell her that you are getting over the old feelings but haven't gotten that far yet. HONESTY. Don't be pressured to stray from the path you set for yourself by anyone.Quote:
Here is the big issue everyone. When we weren't talking all I wanted was to in the future to be able to talk to her again, not on a regular basis but just at some point after enough time. Then when she calls, I want nothing more than more time. Does that make sense?
Thanks Tal
I agree with Cherri - quit being gso available to this gal. If you want her back you have to be a challenge - maek her work for it a little. Don't answer the calls. Be busy. Do ithers things - make her miss you MORE - make her wonder!!
Just keep doing what you've been doing. If she continues to call you don't answer if you don't want to talk to her. Don't feel guilty about it. She's the one who wanted the break, remember? You're in a position now to let things progress on your own terms and at your own pace. Stick by your guns and do what you believe to be best for you.
I have a big dilemma. We talk about breaks and breakups and how to do what's best for both parties.
The problem that I am having is I have been doing very good with the no contact rule. We talked the other day and I guess she is so freakn confused. We both don't want a serious relationship right now but we know we are perfect for each other just the timing is all wrong right now because of long distance and everything going on.
Perfect may not be the right word because some people will see that and say you would be together but life doesn't work that way.
Ok back to my question, I am doing pretty good right now, having fun with friends and family, going out, throwing myself into my work and trying to enjoy life. I still can't get her out of mind but I am still having fun. She on the other hand is confused in my opinion and really wants me but we both know if we got back together it would never work right now. How do I let her know without just cutting her off and giving her no contact that she needs to move on right now and lead a more independent life without expressing too many feelings. I am afraid she will drink every night and just not get her life in order.
I have goals in life and I will not let a breakup do that to me but I want to make sure she is giving herself and utiltizing the time and space to the fullest instead of holding on to me right now so we both know if we are truly meant to be. I just want to pick my words carefully because I don't need to talk to her much because I know she misses me and is thinking about me but that doesn't mean in the time we have been broken up that are problems have been fixed because we would be lying to ourselves if they were.
Please give me more insight then just no contact rule for 2-3 months.
Hi Nohitter,
I think it is just a case of being honest with her, communicating exactly how you feel at this stage. It is not a game, you can be upfront about how you feel. You already know she feels for you.
You know that this is not going to work if you get back together now (I am familiar with your previous thread). You need to give it time!
At the same time, she needs to know that you have not closed her off completely. Just talk to her in a mature way (which I know you will) and explain that you want to make it work but feel that if this is going to work out for the best, you both need your space and time apart to work on other areas of your life.
This should hopefully resolve this worry you have of her going down the getting drunk and depressed route. She will know where she stands and can then begin her process of self-improvement.
Both of you will have a better chance of making a new relationship successful together if you have both taken the time out to do this. That is if this is what you both want when the time comes..
Yes very true. Honesty is the best policy. I just think instead of skirting around the issue of no contact, let her know how I feel once and for all without being too dramatic so we can move on and be more independent and will give each other the understand that time and space may not bring up back together but if we don't give each other time and space we will also never be back together either.
I just hate being so repetitive, I just don't want to string her along either just because I am doing good. I want her to be doing good too. So she will truly know if it was meant to be. And some people are more blunt than others.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nohitter410
I think you have hit the nail on the head here..
Don't get too bogged down (so to speak) in the No Contact concept. It is important, but in your case, there does seem to be an area of true hope of making a successful reconcilliation.
It is possible, not guaranteed by any measure but possible. I think this is why in this case, communication may be necessary for the reasons I pointed out in my previous response.
I might need some correction here from someone else but I believe this is the correct way forward.
Stick around and wait until you get a second opinion before you decide what you are going to do Nohitter.
Oh... I like what you said about not wanting to string her along and that you want her to be doing good too.. This shows good character and sincerity!!
Good for you! Don't change!
Nohitter,
I would take Geoff's advice and run with it. It is perfect and the best way to handle this situation.
Geoff, I could not agree more about the stringing along... yes, it shows incredible character and a truly great person to have such concern.
Nohitter, this will work out.
Wishing you the best.
First off you have not practiced no-contact, but you have managed to talk yourself into some kind of fantasy that even if it happens will do you or your ex any good at all. In every post you've written you've made no secret that you wanted to get back with the ex. Now, as far as I can see you have been here a month and how many times have you talked to you ex? How many times have you led her on about getting back together later, after this break. How can she move on under these circumstances? What you are doing has nothing to do with the advice given and in no way resembles the no contact that has been advised. What you have is a plan to keep your ex if you so desire and put everything on someone else if it fails. You have every right to do as you please, but be honest about it, you have and always will think that you will be with your ex again and will do nothing to let her go in her own direction. That's control to me and will backfire, in MY opinion. So stop trying to sell yourself a bill of goods only you believe, and don't hide behind an idea you don' believe in ( no contact) and be honest about your agenda, getting her back whether she has improved or not. Your helping yourself at her expense.Quote:
By Nohitter,
Ok back to my question, I am doing pretty good right now, having fun with friends and family, going out, throwing myself into my work and trying to enjoy life. I still can't get her out of mind but I am still having fun. She on the other hand is confused in my opinion and really wants me but we both know if we got back together it would never work right now. How do I let her know without just cutting her off and giving her no contact that she needs to move on right now and lead a more independent life without expressing too many feelings. I am afraid she will drink every night and just not get her life in order
Interesting point...Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I never thought of it like this but I read the post again and there could be some truth in what tal says here..
Don't take it to heart Nohitter but I think Tal is right, you need to be clear on your agenda.
You need to be honest with yourself too!Quote:
Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane
I can tell that you are a very compassionate person and truly want what is best for both of you. But you have to be very careful not to try and take responsibility for her. The terrible truth is that we each have to choose for ourself how to respond to problems and crises in our lives. I think the advice you're getting here is good, and I applaud your concern for her, just be careful to draw the line where it needs to be and don't allow her to blackmail you by threatening to make bad choices. You can encourage and support her, but you can't make her choose wisely. One of the hardest lessons in life is to let those we care deeply about make bad choices and reap the consequences, but real love demands nothing less.Quote:
Originally Posted by Nohitter410
I like the way you put that!Quote:
Originally Posted by ordinaryguy
I definitely agree with the way you are putting this. When I give advice on her I definitely should sometimes heed my own advice. In no way do I have to be there making sure she makes every right decision. Let her do whatever she wants.
It is up to me decide what I want. Going away and having fun is what I am doing but constantly thinking and talking about her makes it that much harder.
I am just tyring to find a balance between having a good time and disappearing but sometime the only way to see if that person really means something is to wipe it clean and try to move on and see if down the road she does come back.
As far as one of your comments tal, I have not been following the no contact rule. But not the way you put it. I do come on here and talk about her but I have only called her once since the breakup. She called me and made numerous attempts to contact. I did respond but only later on. I was not available. Obviously I didn't not answer her call for 2-3 months. It is still fresh in both of our minds and I guess I need to start thinking for myself. Instead of always trying to be honest with her maybe I need to be honest with myself.
Not to beat a dead horse, we already know how you feel about her. If you have any notion that healing is anything other than putting you in a healthy place, with a healthy mind, to make healthy decisions, based on reality, then you are doomed to failure. The reason I repeat this message is your continual hope of getting back with her, an idea YOU MUST let go for any progress to happen. You don't have to tell me how hard it is , I already know.Quote:
I am just tyring to find a balance between having a good time and disappearing but sometime the only way to see if that person really means something is to wipe it clean and try to move on and see if down the road she does come back.
Amazing how many times we already know the answers to our questions, but just don't know it.Quote:
It is up to me decide what I want. Going away and having fun is what I am doing but constantly thinking and talking about her makes it that much harder
Yeah can't just talk if I don't believe the words
Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Listen to this nohitter...
I have had to face up to this...
I believe you must too..
For your own sake!
Hard I know but you must try!!
<< She on the other hand is confused in my opinion and really wants me but we both know if we got back together it would never work right now. How do I let her know without just cutting her off and giving her no contact that she needs to move on right now and lead a more independent life without expressing too many feelings.>>
Of course she must be confused! And I doubt she cannot move on at all.
You have not been very clear with her in my opinion, She obviously thinks ye are going to get back together and is not moving on.
Are you just keeping her on the sidelines in case you change your mind in a few months and don't find anything better out there? Either break up properly or get back together with her but don't leave the poor girl in a state of Limbo... that is not a nice place to be... I am speaking from personal experience here. It could help her a lot to get real closure.
Most people know my situation but it has been a little over 2 months now since I became single. My ex girlfriend asked for a break of 3 weeks where I responded by saying why take a break now and fool each other. Let's take a real break while we still don't hate each other.
I enjoy being single and she is now with a new man.
My birthday was Jan 4 and she texted me at 1 am to say happy 23rd birthday then in the evening she imed me probably thinking I may not have got the text and wrote happy birthday old man. I responded to neither. I guess my reasoning to not respond was to show her I am moving on because I am and if she doesn't have the decency to pick up the phone and call me then there is no reason to respond.
I was wondering if I did the right thing because I still do at some point want to talk to her again but I understand realistically that a relationship with us would never work right now. I am out in DC and she is Michigan with school still left.
I feel great about myself having lost about 18lbs now, going out with friends, getting closer with my family and thriving in my job. I am only 23 and I am trying to make the most of my life and do something with it. What I want to accomplish has nothing to do with her or any woman for that matter. I still have very strong feelings for her but unlike others on this site I don't pretend that I am in no contact but still I'm and text and what not. I have not made any contact although I won't lie I did call her on her birthday just to wish her a happy birthday. Her mom and grandma were in the background yelling we wish you were here drinking with us. But that was it.
Not sure what I am asking just had to write to someone.
Nohitter,
If it felt right inside for you to not respond, then yes, you did the right thing. I am not a fan of someone not responding to messages, however, you have done so well for yourself since the break, you have to go with what is healthy for YOU. Concerning yourself about down the line, is something that you should not worry about right now.
So glad for all the progress you have made and all the happiness you are experiencing. Good for you.
If it does not effect your progress, perhaps you could just send a "thank you" back to one of her messages. It all depends on you. Will it bother you more not to reply at all, or to just acknowledge the fact that she did wish you a Happy Birthday, just as you did for her.
Personally, I think the polite thing to do, is a quick reply, just saying "Received your message, Thanks". But only if you are comfortable inside with that.
The relationship ended amicably. I think what she did was quite sweet, and a thank you would have been in order.
Like we tell the young ones who are worried about asking for or accepting a date… She is not asking you to marry her. She simply wished you a happy birthday. Try not to see more into it than there is.
A young one may ignore something like a text because they are in a huff with the other person. Adults deal responsibly with their contacts - so long as that contact isn't simply out to hassle them.
Nohitter I think if you feel what you did was right, then I think it was right. If you didn't think it necessary to reply, then I agree.
This is your life now and she isn't a part of it. That was decided months back.
You don't owe her anything in my book, just as she doesn't owe you anything.
So I hope you would not have been here angry and disappointed if she didn't send you that message, because that would be hypocritical of you.
Just be sure that you treat people with respect though. Don't do things with the hope that it will affect someone else negatively. Do things with the hope that it will affect YOU positively. Keep that in mind and I'm sure it will work out the best for all involved.
Hope that made sense. Im a little rusty having been away for so long!
Thanks very true... didn't really look at it like that
Yes. Your under no obligation to talk to her until YOU are ready.Quote:
Originally Posted by Nohitter410
Chuff is right, you don't have to talk to her until you are ready but you might have wanted to at least thank her for saying that unless you just wanted to give the impression of being rude. If someone walking down the street said happy birthday and you ignored it directly it would mean that you still were harboring negative feelings. Not saying that you would have to go back to talking regularly but if u do have intentions of talking to her at some point that was a starting point. She remembered your b-day which is a good thing and seemed nice about it but in the end you have to do what is best for u! Which is feel good about yourself!
As others have said, do what's right for you. There wouldn't have been any harm in just replying to her birthday wishes with a simple "Thanks" and leaving it at that, but it's up to you. Neither option is right or wrong.
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