Perfect.
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Perfect.
I thank you all for the all of the positive reinforcement. Without you all, I don't know how I I would have dealt with this. However, it still feels like she gets the last laugh. She gets to go off and be with every guy she wants to, while I'm left to sort through this, without any definitive answers from her. That doesn't seem right.
Don't worry about her however if this is her behaviour then in the long run it will be you who has the laugh last. Because you will come out the other side of this a much healthier, happier and wiser person. Where as she, well she will have probably learnt nothing, be less happy and downright unhealthy if she chooses to live this tyle of life.
Trust me, right now it might sound like it is great for her but one day it will catch up with her and it won't seem so great to her then.
So concentrate on you. Don't worry about answers. They don't give you anything other then perhaps more pain. The answers I think you want aren't the answers you will get. So don't look for them
Rather just look at yourself and how you can keep moving forward towards that happy and healthy person I'm talking about!
There is nothing to sort out, and you need nothing from her, that's the frustration talking. The truth is you are free to pursue your own happiness. If you leave her alone, then you get the last laugh by building a life you enjoy and as the anger and frustration have faded you're a healthy person with a healthy happy life. What more could you ask for.Quote:
Originally Posted by BlazingCold
Because I'm a curious type, what are the answers I want, and I what would be the answers I would get?Quote:
Originally Posted by Skell
Correct me if I'm wrong but you most probably right now want to hear that she still loves you, and will always love but right now just wants to be alone.
You want her to tell you that she is not interested in other people and that if given time to find herself she will come back to you and you will pick up where you left off.
That your love was so special that it could never be just forgotten.
Im not criticising you either. I suppose I'm just presuming your feeling like I did and how I see many others who come here feel.
They / we say they want answers. We want to know why. But the truth of the matter is there isn't really a why.
The only reason / answer you need is that your partner wanted out and that is exactly what they'll get.
What they do from that point on and why they do it isn't your problem from the moment they tell you your gone.
Its sad and it hurts oh so much but knowing why won't really help. Probing and searching for answers out of her won't bring her back.
Maybe I am wrong but I too said the same things. Definitive answers is what you want. Well to be blunt (but not trying be rude) you have the most definitive answer you need. She's gone and doesn't want you anymore. Need you know anymore??
Will knowing anymore help you on your recovery path. Deep down I think you know the answer is no.
Hence we all stress to focus on what you can control and that's you and your actions. It certainly isn't hers!
You are, by the way, comparing her outsides with your insides-- which is at best never a fair match and at worst bad science. Tut tut! Besides if it were true, anyone who can shrug it off that easy hits me as pretty shallow with their sentiments or calloused enough to be considered poor material for a real relationship. So I say laugh all the way to the Emotional I.Q. Bank and make yourself a big deposit Blaze! You are being real... and that counts quite a bit in my book.Quote:
Originally Posted by BlazingCold
Very true,Quote:
Originally Posted by Skell
She will probably have her regrets in time but by the time that comes, you won't want her back. It is imortant however to not dwell on what she is going to regret because what she regrets has nothing to do with your recovery which is what yuou need to work on.
I woke up last night in a bit of a panic, had this really lonely feeling inside without my ex there by my side... Don't know where it came from, really intense then it just went when I realised where I was.>>REALITY... She is gone..
As time passes you will feel these moments, but you will get through them and be stronger. There is no point in searching for answers! You won't get any from her, she want you far away at the moment and sorry if that hurts but it's true. This is why she has not contacted you and why she won't be.
You need to face up to the fact that she is gone and it is over and your journey now is all about you and your life and your future.. Without her!
I agree with Val, she is like my ex, she shrugged you off in a mere few days and was callous and emotionally immature. I expect the thoughts were growing in her brain for some time. She is not worth your tears.
Believe me I know you hurt (I REALLY KNOW!! ) but you need to realise that she is probably off having fun while you are alone questioning her motivations or questioning what she is thinking or feeling. The biggest question you are asking yourself is: "Will she be back" and "When". It is not until you realise that this relationship is over that you will begin to accept it and move on.
Blazingcold... I am not saying it is impossible that she will ever change her mind and come back but hanging on to hope is not going to help you. I wish I could be back with my ex and everything could be like before but it won't happen, she is gone.
To me it sounds like you are an emotionally intelligent person and you will make the right woman happy and she will appreciate you for who you are. This girl was too young to be committed to a serious relationship with an emotionally mature man! Look at it this way, she did you a favour! Now you can move on and find someone who deserves your love.
Sorry again for the long post!
I'm pretty sure she still loves me, and I wouldn't mind to hear it, but I wouldn't be surprised if she said that she never actually loved me, just because we moved "too fast"Quote:
Originally Posted by Skell
I know for a fact she's interested in other people, that why she left. She felt she couldn't fully experience college life with me weighing her down. So she says "I don't want a relationship with anyone", thinking that she's doing a favor to me by walking away. She tells me that she has always been a "shallow" person, and that by leaving now, she'll avoid cheating on me, and sparing me even more pain.Quote:
Originally Posted by Skell
I'd like to think my love is that special, but I don't know how she feels about me anymore. I do know how I feel about her, though: I do love her and I always will, but it would have to be a cold day in hell before I take back someone who could leave someone who she told "loved like no one else before" but then leaves to jump on the next guy who tickles her fancy.Quote:
Originally Posted by Skell
Thanks for the pep talk. I didn't want to get answers just to get her back, just to see if the reasons I think she left were correct. From talking to you and others on this site, I think they are. I've always had a fear of rejection(that led to me not getting my first girlfriend (her) until I was almost 19), that's why I clung to her so hard, thinking that if I put her on high enough of a pedestal, she couldn't possibly leave (I wasn't doing this purposefully, just now I realize how my actions were received). Despite that, I treated her like a woman and loved every second we were together. Does that mean I deserve to be tossed aside like an old toy for something new and shiny? However, she did what she felt she had to do, and there is nothing I can do to change her mind. Moreover, I don't think I really want to anymore. Her leaving has broken the shield that has been around me for so many years that has prevented me from forming relationships on any level due to fear of rejection. She's forced me to be a better person, and for that I thank her. I'll never forget her, but I now look forward to my next love, instead of dwelling on ones that are over.Quote:
Originally Posted by Skell
[/endrant]
Its amazing to me Blaze, how it seems that we get what we fear all so we may learn not to fear it LOL. At least it seems like that to me. Now you know that rejection is a survivable event -- a very very valuable lesson. Congrats on learning it so well.
This is the way to go!Quote:
Originally Posted by BlazingCold
Yeah, that's pretty ironic. It's nice to actually get over it, but I wouldn't have minded for it to happen a different way. But I guess this is for the best. It's cool that people think I'm emotionally mature, as I always thought I was retarded in some way due to my lack of any social life for so long.Quote:
Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow
Acceptance is half the battle so your farther ahead than you know. Your attitude will carry you far.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlazingCold
Your lack of social life probably has more to do with your fear of rejection and having this shield you speak of surrounding you for most of your life. I am not a psychologist but relate to what you are saying since, I have gone through periods in my life where I chose not to keep close to friends because I was scared that I would be rejected so rather than get hurt, I would push them away before they could do it to me. As I got older, I learned that you need to take a chance and open up.
Just because you have lack of social life, it does not mean you are emotionally retarded, it has more to do with confidence and your fear of rejection. The fact that you recognise these fears and feel the things that you do shows the emotional maturity and the ability to make positive changes in your life.
I think you have pointed out something which can really help you move forward... You need to make some new friends... Feel the fear and go for it. You have got a lot to say and can make good, stimulating conversation... Boring? You are not boring, except to those who are not worth a second of your time! Believe this if you believe nothing else I say!
Also..
Can I ask, do you have a gym membership, if not, Chuff gave me some good avice to get one. I have not personally done this yet but have started running daily and lifting weights at home. Eventually, I am going to get back to the gym and work on myself.
It will build your confidence + you will meet new people. It will also take your mind off your current situation.
If you are already doing this then great, just keep it up!
Also,
If you drink alcohol, try to lay off this for a while. It really does not help. Unfortunately, I did this for the first 4 weeks and it made me worse and probably accounted for many of the times I contacted my ex in the first few weeks. While I did not do this while I was under the influence, it made me feel more depressed and encouraged me to send her an e-mail or two... BAD NEWS!
Not saying this is what you are doing but if you do drink, now is the time to cut back!
Positive things like exercise.. I know you know this anyway but it is good to remind!
And it helps me to remind myself too! LOL
Blazing,
You are headed in a very healthy direction and are going great.
I didn't mean to assume anything, I was merely just relating what you went through to myself and others and the feelings and emotions you seemed to be portraying in your posts were very consistent to what everyone seems to go through.
But as tal said your attitude is great and will help you no end to completely get over her.
I know you didn't, just curious on what you thought I wanted to hear.
I think my problem is the type of girl I like. She's not your typical girl, and that excites me to no end. Other girls seem "boring" in comparison to her. I think of her personality and it was like it was heaven-sent, just for me. She was everything I could have ever wanted. I think I need to change who I'm attracted to in order to not be sucked into another abyss of depression and anger. But how can I change something like that?
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlazingCold
I don't think you can change who you are attracted to can you?
It just happens. Maybe she was right for you but you met her at the wrong time in life..
That makes perfect sense, but I think I did meet her at the right time, but we weren't meant to be together. She's opened my eyes to a lot of things, as well as forced me to change my outlook on my life and people in general. Life itself seems strangely more interesting now that she left. I really do believe that this was for the best, as I'm thinking in ways I haven't before. My anger has all but disappeared, replaced mostly with a feeling of appreciation for making me the person I've always wanted to be, but never thought I could.Quote:
Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane
I know that a relationship is not the best option between the two of us right now. But she was still apart of my life like no one else has been, and I would be saddened to have her leave my life completely. How can I see if she wants to have a friendship? Is this a good idea?
There is a danger here Blaze. I think it is too early to think of friendship at this point.Quote:
Originally Posted by BlazingCold
From what you have said about your feelings for having her take this important position in your life, I would be inclined to say that you would be fooling yourself if you felt that you could walk into a friendship with her so soon with this kind of background without feeling anything more. You would soon slip back into the feelings you had for her before. I am not saying friendship is impossible, and while I think it is dangerous territory, it is good that you feel you can reach a point where you can reconcile in this way.
I don't think you should let her know at this stage that you want JUST friendship and put any pressure on her at this stage to consider this since she will feel that you are trying to WIN her back by creating this attachment again.
I know my ex won't give me the time of day at the moment and if you read my thread which I think you have, it was her who wanted out to regain the single life. If I were to contact her now and ask for friendship after 10/11 weeks, she would not go for that. I don't believe I could be a friend to my ex while I am still in love with her and have these feelings for her. It hurts to be around someone who cannot reciprocate the feelings you have for them.
Give it more time before contacting her.. How long has it been? Not very long for you I don't think, judging by your posts. I think you are making positive steps in the way that you are thinking but I do also believe you are moving a bit fast and you need to sort through your feelings.
No doubt you are grateful in a way because you are becoming a stronger person and will look back on this as a great learning experience but just forget about the friendship with her for now, just until you are ready and of course, until SHE is ready also.
I hope I have helped you here. You are coming along fine. There will be more ups and downs but you will get through it all!
No doubt you will give us some more updates on your progress!
I have seen very very few people pull that off and I have been watching closely. Even divorced parents with the motivation of child rearing don't manage it. At best, most people seem to create an awkward truce.Quote:
Originally Posted by BlazingCold
You might want to look at your motive to this too. To expand on what Geoff said, if this is you waiting for her to turn back into girlfriend material then its no good, dude.
The thing I have found about letting people go (and I have had to let go of many, painful each time too) is that had I hung onto them out of sheer stubbornness, the next one coming along would not have arrived because there wasn't room for them. So think about this... there are just tons of girls out there... some of which are suitable for you... a few of which will do amazing things to you and for you. In sort of Yoda language LOL If you stand waiting at closed door staring, then door that opens you see not. See?
If you still feel the same after going through the grieving process I would say go for it. To hold out hope now would only stop this process from working. You can only stop yourself from being healthy again by not accepting the fact she is gone.Quote:
I know that a relationship is not the best option between the two of us right now. But she was still apart of my life like no one else has been, and I would be saddened to have her leave my life completely. How can I see if she wants to have a friendship? Is this a good idea?
Does that mean you think I still have grieving to do? I know I'll never have her as a girlfriend again, moreover, I don't want to anymore. But she is still a fun person to be around, and I would like to remain on good terms with her. She hasn't spoken to me since the break up. I don't really know why. Is seeing if she is ready to have a friendship a good course of action?Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
LOL Okay, let's say for the sake of argument you are done with grieving (highly unlikely but possible) and that she is also (again ditto) and that you two manage to forge a great friendship. Now fast forward to next month when you meet someone even more fantastic than her (I say next month since it fits your fantasy time frame, not necessarily reality, okay?) and you are introducing new love to your new friend, your old ex...Quote:
Originally Posted by BlazingCold
You have a history??
And she left you when??
And you don't still have feelings for her??
Or let's say for the sake of argument new love is unbelievably openminded and says to your new friend, your old ex... "Ooooh, we have to do lunch....."
Or to really kick it up a notch, let's say your old ex introduces you to a new girlfriend of hers and you fall instantly in love with her
Or look in the mirror and ask yourself just how many boundaries are you going to run roughshod over or better yet, when are you going to start living in reality?
You have buried your feelings from yourself and are using your denial to this break-up to justify seeing your ex under the guise of friendship. Lets be clear you can BS yourself into anything you want and a lot of people do. But I know better and after reading your posts and the reactions you have given there is no way You can BS anyone here who has been through the SAME thing you are going through. You have been going through this emotional roller coaster since this break -up and have much, much more to do sorry that's just the way it is, so accept it and keep working on NO CONTACT.Quote:
Originally Posted by BlazingCold
Yes,
You may be looking at months but it has only been a few weeks for you if my calculation is correct. I know it is not a competition to see who has been grieving the longest but there is a good point here in that time helps put things into better perspective.
Like tal points out, you may be slipping into a period of denial and using this to justify your wish to hold onto a friendship with her with the secret hope that you will get her back as more than a friend.
You need to re-read all your posts and responses.
I did this on my own thread, when I begin to slip back slightly, I go back and read what people have told me. People on here give advice for a reason. To help you.
To answer your question to tal (from my point of view):Quote:
Originally Posted by BlazingCold
Yes, I would be willing to place a good bet that you still have some way to go in the grieving process.. I know I do, and I know you are different to me and we all have different coping levels but judging by your recent responses, I just think you are going up and down through the various stages of grief, such as anger, DENIAL, sadness, a feeling of acceptance of the situation but not quite.
It all takes time...
It all takes time...
The fact that I don't agree with any of you mens that you are all right. Maybe I'm in such a deep denial that I don't even know it. When it comes to situations like these, I trust all of you more than I do myself. I'll hold off on the contact, giving me a chance to think it over.
I think my worst fear is to know that she wants nothing more to do with me, in any way. Maybe I want a friendship to prove to myself (not to her) that what we had meant something and she values me.
Man, I'm really messed up.
Man, I know what your feeling, I really do!!Quote:
Originally Posted by BlazingCold
Firstly, Denial by it's very nature is a defense mechanism that not only clouds your judgement but forces you to reject the reality of a situation. I'm afraid that if you are in denial, then you will not for the most part be aware of it at this stage.
Secondly, it is perfectly normal for you to fear that she wants nothing more to do with you and I understand this only too well.
Wanting friendship to prove to yourself that what you both had meant something and that she values you is not going to work.
You have nothing to prove to yourself. Why do you need to prove to yourself that what you had meant something? It meant something but if there is any truth in the fact that it possibly did not mean anything to her, then is she really worth it?
Ask yourself these questions.
You have put her on a pedestal like I did with my ex.. She's not perfect, she has her flaws and she walked out on you remember?
I am not slating her but trying to get you to view all this in a different way.
You need to stop beating yourself up. I've done exactly what you are doing, still do, but I am getting better and stronger as each day passes. Believe me, I was F***ed up for weeks (sorry for the language) and I was out getting drunk, in a right mess but I have learnt that this is not the way to heal. I stopped, I came here for help and I got it!!
I started leaning on my friends and family, I have started running again, started retraining for a different career. Don't get me wrong, I am no way fully healed and would not make such a claim but it does get better...
TRUST ME ON THIS...
Where does that leave you?
Well I'll tell you.. It leaves you with two choices.
1.) You can continue hurting yourself, questioning yourself, questioning her and above all hoping that she will come back.
Or..
2.) You can make some positive steps to begin your healing by forgetting the concept of friendship with her, begin making a new life for yourself, realise that you will find true love again. Start thinking of YOU & YOU only, get busy doing other things, perhaps go out and talk to new women, I mean not in a view to spark a new relationship but just talk to them. I've been doing that, I have been to a couple of parties, talked to a few women in a very casual way, nothing serious but it does help. Go to the gym, or start running or take up an old or new hobby. Go to the pub and have a few games of pool with some friends or join a club and make new friends. Whatever is right for you and for your progress. You have already mentioned you feel grateful for what has happened.
NOW BE GRATEFUL FOR YOUR FREEDOM (even though you would have preferred not to have it) - - THE FREEDOM TO LIVE FOR YOU AND FOR No one ELSE!
I find adding comments to your thread really interesting because I can identify so much (like Skell and Chuff did with mine) just what you are going through... And you will reach this point too!
In time..
I think the friend thing for you would be an underlining way to get her back - it never works - even if she said she would be friend.
I bet $1 million you would go ape sh-- if she started seeing another guy. It would hurt a ton for you.
Don't do it.
Just leave her alone for now. It's the best way.
Well you at least are doing a very right thing trusting others right now and its okay, people in denial don't know they are until they wake up, Blaze. Denial = don't even notice I am lying (to myself)Quote:
Originally Posted by BlazingCold
I pasted this poem on one of the girl's threads here... forgive me if its kind of girly but its applicable here too.Quote:
Originally Posted by BlazingCold
After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans. And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong, and you really have worth.
And you learn and you learn with every goodbye, you learn.
Yeah, its okay, we all are when we're left like that. Take it easy on yourself and it will get better, you will not always feel like you do right now.Quote:
Originally Posted by BlazingCold
That was great.. Never seen this one before Val..Quote:
Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow
Val is known for coming up with gems.Quote:
Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane
Quote:
Man, I'm really messed up.
Yes you are but its not permanent, I have a feeling you will get better.
I may be messed up in the way you suggest, but I meant another way. The only way it seems to get out of what I'm feeling is to change the type of girl I like. I've always wanted to have a "hard luck" type of girl. I don't really know why, maybe its my nice guy personality at its worst. I know now that relationships like this end in pain, but it like other types are boring. I don't get that strange sense of self-satisfaction when I think of being with someone else.
Why am I attracted to people like this? Why, despite her leaving me, I have a feeling that if she said the right things, I'd welcome her back with open arms.
You are all right, I'm nowhere near done with this. I know questions like this I should just ignore, but I just have to know. I question everything now.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlazingCold
Hi Blaze,
May I just ask what a "hard luck" type of girl is?
I think I know what you mean by this but need some clarification.
I agree with this advice too blaze. Friendship now and maybe even in the future would be a bad move considering the above.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wildcat21
I know I could not do it. I don't think friendships work with ex's. I have seen it happen before but there is usually tension when the ex starts seeing someone else.
An example would be a friend of mine, he split up with his ex (mutually might I add) after a 4 year relationship together. After 6 months, they tried the friendship thing. Well she found a new man and I can tell you, I could smell the tension on the air.. So he stopped being that friend because it was hurting him too much.
Even when the breakup is mutual, there are still feelings there.
Your breakup was not mutual, therefore it would be even worse I would think.
Hey balzing,
Been away for a day or two so just catching up on the developments.
Blazing, you have great advice here. Again, as I have told you before, I see so much in your posts that remind you of me. Remember the other day I suggested to you what I thought you wanted to hear from your ex?
Well you have just said it above. You want her back and would welcome her back with open arms.
You have a lot of grieving to do my friend. A real lot. Lots of emotions up and down. Times when you feel like you do now. Time when you feel like you did last week when you thought you were completely over her.
Nothing can stop it. Nothing can change it.
But you can help it be as easy as possible on you. And the best way to do that is continue down the path you have taken until now. No contact.
As Tal said. Wanting to be friends with her is an excuse for you try and get her back. You don't really want to just be her friend do you?
You were never going to be able to get away with the lying to us. You can convince yourself and lie to yourself all you like, but us, no way. We will see straight through it. You know why? Because we have done the same thing. Lied to ourselves. I did it. Geoff did it only a couple of weeks ago. We have all done it, so it easy for us to see when someone else is.
So you aren't out of the ordinary for going through a period of denial. Its part of the process.
But just try not to let your denial lead you to doing things that will harm your process. Keep posting here and hopefully we can catch you lying to yourself some more and maybe we will be able to give you a little dose of reality that wakes you up. Just like has happened here over the course of the last day or two!
Being the 'nice guy' and trying to be friends doesn't work. I truly believe you want her back and friending will only make it worse. You come across weak!
"Why, despite her leaving me, I have a feeling that if she said the right things, I'd welcome her back with open arms." - absolutely do not do the friend thing then.
Lwave her alone. Disappear for awhile.
This wasn't so hard last week. But that's the way things are in situations like this, I guess. Everyone here is right about me wanting her back, but it doesn't feel like I want her back. I guess I've been in denial for so long (about a good many things), I can't see it without help. I'll hold to the no contact, though I feel she'll forget about me rather than miss me. In time, I hope this feeling will go away.
I am fully aware about being the "nice guy", though. Never again will I be like that. It was a real eye-opener to see that the way I was acting was so counterproductive to what I wanted. Already I feel more confident, and I look at the world much differently now.
If she is such a person that can forget about someone she supposedly loved then you have to wonder whether it was ever love at all...
And if it wasn't love then you haven't really lost much at all!
Comments on this post
talaniman agrees: You missed your calling, you should have been a philosopher, Confucious couldn't have put it better!
Thanks Tal. Haha
Some people have told me I missed my calling and that I should have been a... (insert almost any job here)
But never a philosopher.
Haha
Sometimes I feel a little more like 'Confusedious'
Hi Blaze,Quote:
Originally Posted by BlazingCold
There is niothing wrong with you being a "nice Guy". That is a good thing!! There is however a difference between being a good man and a nice man. I do understand where you are coming from here. The thing is, you cannot change who you are and don't blame yourself too much for this relationship not working. I'm sure there were things that you did wrong like the rest of us.
You need to find someone who can appreciate you for who YOU are and not what they want you to be. It concerned me a bit when you said "never again will I be like that". If you are talking about changing your approach by not being so needy and available, then, yes this is a positive step. If you are talking about trying to change your personality to increase the desires of others, then this is not good and will simply not work. You are who you are. Like I say, there is nothing wrong with who you are. If there were more "nice" people in the world, then it would be a much better place to live in.
What I say is be happy with who you are, get busy living and the right woman will come along who can appreciate you for who you are and who you really want to be.
Take it easy Blaze..
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