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Now that's what I call looking out for yourself, gosh that was great.Quote:
I said "how many times do you think I'm going to meet you to be rejected? I'm not meeting up to go over old ground and for nothing to change. When u have something different to say, maybe I'll listen".
Really Talaniman?
I can't help but feel like I should have listened to what he had to say - but then there's another part of me saying I did the right thing because I would only be setting myself up for more hurt.
This is so confusing!
I know I am being so needy, but I want him back more than anything.
You did great! :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Jayjay027
Don't let a cycle of hope and rejection get started because he doesn't know what he wants.
Seeing you will only add to his confusion and your hurt and pain.
Pull Your Ex Back...
Does this work you guys?
Are you kidding us??
Not at all. I'd do anything for him to come back to me.
Now that I am somewhat calmer.
Why do you think giving him everything he wants except time and space will bring him back to you? Why are you willing to do all the running to try to catch someone who is running away from you? Why are you bending over backward to keep him when all he does is give you hope then throws it in the trash?
How much support and love have you given him while he was concerned with his parents and everything else? What support has he given you? Kicking you to the curb after pushing up a wedding date and wanting to have a baby with you IS NOT SUPPORT.
What do you think will happen if you do get him back? Do you like Divorce Court that much to want to be on it?
You don't want to manipulate him back do you? Let your emotions calm down before you grasp at straws.
Your still freshly hurt, and that's a no-no when it comes to making decisions. You can't make things better with tricks, and traps.
Yeah your right. I'm sorry, I know I'm being needy, and I'm not normally like this. I just feel so lost without him.
Any break-up I've had in the past has been bearable - bad but bearable.
This is so awful that I am having health problems as a direct result. I just want him back in my life.
Wow you sound like me and my fella , I went on play .com and got a book on jealousy as I was always questioning him , listen ease off don't text / ring him etc , give him some space sometomes its all people need you need to work on you and your feelings and no your life is not over he is a man and a bit of a prat by the sounds of it
Jayjay, take care of yourself.
Think it of this way, IF he does come back, then you will know that he really wants to be with you.
IF you try to manipulate him into coming back, you will always wonder if he really loves you or what you tried to be.
Yeah good idea guys. Thanks.
Chesterfire, did the book help u at all?
Oh and by the way, he went out last night and text me saying he wasn't good enough for me.
Also, a friend of his called me last night and said that he keeps changing his mind about whether he has done the right thing.
Jayjay you go girl, no contact. He is way too confused right now, and has a lot on his plate. It's no fair to you, its like a merry go round, he wants to talk and then nothing has changed. You stay strong. The sicknesses in his family and his job, would drive anyone to back off. He probably does care a lot about you, but thinks he has nothing too offer you, and that you deserve better. If he ever does contact you again, I would just leave at, listen until you want this relationship to change, for the better, its better we have no contact. I am going on with my life.. and if its meant to be, well then he will find you, and resume where you left off.. Stay strong.
Thank you sully.
I've been doing pretty good with NC but he hasn't. I'm just making myself believe that he's trying to heal his guilt rather than wanting me back. It's easier to move on that way - harder to do though.
I literally miss everything about him, even his grumpy moods.
He just text saying he still needed some time to sort his head out but he's not dismissing the chance of us.
Ugh.
We had a pretty good conversation after, we both laughed, it was just like old times.
Update.
He asked me back last night. We chatted over everything for a while and decided that we both want it to work out. He said he hated being away from me and realised his mistake.
My trouble now is, how do I deal with my jealousy?
I want rid of it.
I hope it works out for you and that you keep communicating and can be constructive in rebuilding your relationship.
Could you elaborate regarding your jealousy?
Whoa there missy, what was HIS problem that caused such an upheaval?
He thought we were booking the wedding too fast. Even though booking it and setting the date was all his idea.
He also said my jealousy was getting out of hand.
I admit I can be a bit jealous, but I didn't ever think it was THAT serious. Evidently it can be.
A girl he works with asked for his help to get out her nipple ring - and I told him I'd prefer if he'd stay away from her in future. Then a month later he came home with a dvd that she lent him. And I got mad at him about it.
When we started dating, he was still in touch with a few of his ex's, it wouldn't normally have bothered me but they were being inappropriate, one kept asking him to a part of her children's lives and kept asking him for dates, even though she knew he had a girlfriend. And it took 3 months of me arguing with him about her before he told her she was inappropriate.
Another ex he was in touch with kept asking him on dates and saying REALLY inappropriate things, and again, it took him ages to say anything to her about it, he just kept texting her back. And I didn't like that - and he said it was jealous.
A few months ago he was at a club and a girl kept pestering him to go back to her place, and she wouldn't leave him alone, he said she kept following him around and asking him to come back to her place, and he just spoke to her, instead of telling her to go away, they got chatting and she knew his ex girlfriend.
If a guy was talking to me like that I'd tell him where to go, not discuss it with him or be chatty!
Also, anytime he got a text I asked him who it was from, and he hated it. Even though anytime he asked me I just told him because I wasn't hiding anything.
But if he got a text from a girl I'd say "what does she want?" and he said that was being jealous.
Wow, sorry this is so long.
Point 1- Your jealousy has triggers, but is not the main problem, pushing for the wedding then ducking out was.
So while he is texting/chatting up females, he isn't very forth coming to HIS female.
That lack of honest expression is a disaster waiting to happen.
Point 2-I really don't like the way he tried to flip the blame for moving to fast on you if it was all his idea, which I am honestly skeptical about, either something else was in the mix, or you went along happily with his suggestion knowing you had TRUST/jealousy issues. Unresolved issues is a main issue with any relationship and always leads to someone being unhappy.
I have to really think about these jealousy issues you have, given I think his behavior in triggering them.
Something just is not right, so until more facts are brought to light, I would caution you on getting carried away by your happy delight at his return, and just swallow everything he says now.
According to you, things are just gravy as long as you work on your jealousy, yeah right!
Its funny you only mention your faults in this but have you expressed his faults to him, that got you jealous in the first place.
Honest expressions are the key to good communication. Yeah your right, I just pick on everything to spoil your happiness.
Tal--thanks for voicing just my concerns... Jayjay,see,even we all would like it for him to come back to you since that's what would make you happy.However,we would also like that to be on YOUR terms and not as if he were doing you a favour.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Get it?Not being able to live away from you is good enough reason to be back for HIM but for YOU?What about confronting him with the reason behind his suddent act of wanting ot break off the wedding?What about putting you through hell all these days?Why do I get the feeling that you are finding excuses for his despicable behaviour?
Would he feel oh-so-messed up when you are walking down the aisle,your heart wild with happiness at the thought of getting married to him?What then?
Jayjay,none of us are perfect.You have jealousy issues,which at least you have the grace to admit and work on.If today my imperfections are held as reasons behind somebody breaking up with me,then he doesn't love me enough to accept me with my imperfections and is constantly looking for excuses to blame every damn thing on my shortcomings.Is he perfect?No,right?Am I blaming everything going wrong on his shortcomings?Of course not.I am,on the contrary,standing up for him,giving him the leniency that he's messed up,confused etc etc.
You get what I am saying,right?You have been so brave during your dark days and its only your attitude of not giving in,that has made him realise you aren't a woman to settle.You wouldn't allow him to keep rejecting you.That text message of yours was absolutely,completely so inspiring.Made me want to jump up and say "Go girl"!
Just hold on for a bit more and feel absolutely sure before you let go completely and bask in your happiness.Get ALL your doubts cleared by him,keep talking to him till you feel reassured that he's really the one for you.So that this time when you are happy,you know its for real and forever.
All the best,Jayjay.
I appreciate your guys help and advice.
Talaniman, I can assure you, it was him pushing for the wedding the whole time. I went along happily because it's what I wanted. Yes, I have some jealousy issues because he brings out some strange effect in otherwise sensible women, but I trust him not to act on anything, I just don't like how he deals with it.
I didn't think that was reason enough not to marry him.
Starry nights, thank you for your advice. I am not just going along with what he wants. We met and talked everything over and put all our cards on the table before we got back together.
I do feel happy that we are back together, we are taking things slowly, not rushing into anything, and this has been a HUGE learning curve for both of us. We know now the importance of sitting and talking everything through instead of rushing into things - this is the rest of our lives we're talking about after all.
Just to let you all know, I didn't run back to him, gushing and thanking him for taking me back lol. This is a 2 way street, we both hurt during the break, and we both wanted to be together, and we talked like adults and sorted our mess out.
Thank you everyone who helped me through that difficult time, I think your advice kept me sane, and the no contact thing really does wonders for your sanity after a break up.
Thanks again guys!
I wondered while you were nursing your broken heart,how was he doing?
How did he nurse his hurt?
I do see your point,however I also see he gave you plenty of reason to feel jealous.
He is not suddenly going to stop attracting females,HE also has to make adjustments.
Has he given you reason to feel secure?
In the flush now of renewed romance and future plans, take a little time to reflect over the past few days...
He caused you a lot of hurt,and expects you to take the blame.
I would just be a little cautious,before opening up to him straight away.
You'll be back!
Redhead, he was a wreck while we were split up. His friends actually rang me to tell me the state he had got himself into over it, because he realised his mistake early on, and didn't know if he had another chance.
I realise he has faults too, and he realises that - I already said we stayed up for hours and talked everything over, laid EVERYTHING on the table because we didn't want to get back into the relationship holding back our feelings.
I'm not rushing back in trusting him with all my heart and wearing my heart on my sleeve, that has to be built up again, and we both know that.
I know I wasn't completely at fault over the break up, I realise it was his pathetic way to avoid talking about how he really felt, and I told him that if he wants this to work, he can't be doing that anymore - and he realises that too, because he saw what life was like without me, and didn't like it!
We love each other enough to give each other a second AND FINAL chance, and so far, neither of us regret it, we are both happy to have gotten everything out in the open and sorted!
We are taking it slow, and we are going to make sure we both talk through our feelings, because we don't want a repeat of the last 2 weeks.
It seems like you have opened the lines of communication..
I do wish you well,and hope things work out..
Mind yourself.
Regards.
redhed35.
Thank you very much.
I really appreciate all the help I got here.
Jayjay, negative reputation has serious consequences on this site. That is why it is to be used for factually incorrect posts. Emopunk gave his opinion gained through his own experiences. Yes, he has his own problems, however, that gives him a unique perspective.
Please, read these rules on giving reputation.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/forum-...nes-24951.html
I know you are happy to be back with your boyfriend. You say that he is willing to work on things right now, I hope for your sake that continues.
I am concerned that you are still in the mindset of doing whatever it takes to get him back. I don't think you have given yourself enough time to heal from his sudden about face that brought you to us. I think you still harbor some fear that things may not work out (That is the only reason I can that you struck out at emopunk that way. I think he hit a nerve that is very raw.). Don't let that fear cause you, over time and discussions, to lose your own perspective as you attempt to hold on to him.
I wish you the very best and hope that when you do come back it will be to give us positive updates.
Cat, I feel that there is a difference between a opinion, and an ignorant attack on my relationship because of what has happened. Yes, it did hit a nerve, because it was ignorant and uncalled for. I gave negative feedback because I saw it as an attack. I came here for advice in a bad situation, not that kind of attitude. Constructive criticism I can handle, nastiness I cant.
I must admit though, you were probably right that I didn't give myself time to heal from what happened, and I do have some fear that it may not work out - but I do believe that it's worth a try, because I do love him. And if I let fear of it not working out stop me from getting into a relationship, I'd never be in a relationship, because no one really knows what the future holds.
I do think that this was a horrible hiccup in our relationship, and I still feel that we are meant to be.
There is just some work to be done to rebuild what was lost during the break, and we're both more than willing to do that.
Jayjay, I think I may need to clarify my point. Taking chances is what life is about. However, there is a big difference between facing that fear of failure when you enter a relationship and letting that fear change who you are.
I really hope that you can work together as a couple to set boundaries you can both live with and fix the problems in the relationship.
What I am concerned about is that you will let your fear of losing him again cause you to do everything you can to hold on to him even if it is detrimental to your own needs.
Yeah I see your point.
I haven't lost myself so far, and will always keep in mind that he needs to consider my thoughts and feelings as well.
I don't think I would let fear of losing him change who I am, because I kind of like who I am. And if he doesn't like me for who I am, then stuff him. But he does, he loves me for who I am, if that ever changes - well, there would be no future for us.
It's like I said before, if this works out, it's the rest of my life, and I don't want to spend my life pretending to be someone I'm not just to please a man. If it doesn't work out, I'll be devastated, but know it's for the best because of those reasons.
I'll write what most everyone is thinking here, which is that we're all skeptical. It's pretty useless to say though, as you're clearly hooked on this fellow, and at this point, most anyone who is hooked like you are would do what you are doing right now, which is take him back. I can only share my experience. I was with someone who "freaked out" like this, and she came back to me, we talked about how we needed to communicate more, she acknowledged it, promised it would be different, and then proceeded to repeat her behavior. And years earlier, I was the other side of this equation. I told a girlfriend, after a break-up, that I would be different. And I wasn't. Of course there are exceptions, and we all imagine that we are it, but on the whole, issues like you have described with him are deep rooted and require real life experience to change. It's also not so good a sign that he broke up with you in that manner and at that time, which is pretty unforgivable, and then fell apart, and then came back to you. It reads like fear drove him back. I myself know couples who have done this exact pattern. And yes, they're still together, but from my perspective, they're kind of miserable. People don't make good decisions when swimming in fear and hurt and longing, which is why everyone is gently trying to tell you to back off and heal before doing this again.
I will also offer a male's perspective. I've been this guy, years ago. And I was a jerk. His behavior is just cause for jealousy (or concern) on your part, and when you tell him, instead of wanting to make it better, he blames you. I see it all the time, and I always marvel at the women who put up with it. I even marveled when I did it myself. In fact, men lose respect for women that they can walk all over. It's a self-loathing thing--they don't like themselves enough to do what is right for them, and they resent you for accepting their behavior.
Again, I think it's useless for me to write this. You believe you are meant to be with this person (which is pretty deadly, as is so often pointed out on this site), so you're going to do what you want to do. If I were a friend of yours, this is where I'd have to be supportive and just wish you the best with it but at the same time knowing that it doesn't sound good. Since we're virtually anonymous strangers on a site, we can give you hard, objective takes on these things. Up to you what you do with them.
Having said all that, best of luck. If it works out, then great. And if not, try not to beat yourself up for it. It's how we learn.
I'm sorry JayJay for my one liner which seemed like an attack. I should have said that I find this all too skeptical and I'm afraid for you that he will do the same thing again and hurt you. I guess I meant to be careful because I am very scared for you. I do not wish bad on your relationship. Based on many experiences, things just replay themselves and I doubt this is any different. I was very happy and said the same things you said when I got back with my ex. After a year and 9 months, though more great memories, more pain. Not worth it. I should have learned the first time. I know you will still risk it, but I'm skeptical and you know you are too. Don't get married at least for another year. Test the waters. I still feel like using the one liner again but you will take it the wrong way again.
We are taking it slow, we aren't living together, we aren't engaged, we have gone right back to the start, clean slate.
Of course I am a bit skeptical, because I put all of my trust in him and he did what he did, so that trust is now gone, and until that has been built up again, we can't be the same as what we were.
I'm happy to give him another chance because I believe in second chances, but that's as far as it goes. No third chances with me.
I can understand everyone being skeptical because like I said, I am too, and so are my friends and family.
That's why I am keeping him and the relationship at arms length until he proves to me that he is worth the chance I am giving him.
I didn't know whether to post this here or in another thread, but just so you all can keep up with my story, I decided to put it here.
We have been back together for a few weeks now, and I'm having doubts.
I thought that he'd do whatever it took to make me forgive him, and make him see that he is sorry, and he hasn't really done anything to show me that that's how he feels.
I feel emotionally drained, I feel that he sucks the fun out of absolutely everything!
A week after we got back together, he accused me and his best friend of sleeping together. We have never even had a crush on each other, or spent time together without him there! His best friend went mad and didn't speak to him for days. Then he accuses me of being jealous!!
I feel as though he just keeps creating problems where there aren't any problems.
I don't feel as if I want to carry on with him anymore, everything is so different since we got back together.
I hink I had him on a pedastal before, and could see no wrong with him, and now, in the cold light of day, I'm seeing him for who he really is, which is a nasty, grumpy person!
I don't know if I'm willing to waste any more time trying to rebuild the relationship if this is how I'm feeling.
I do love him, but Im not entirely sure Im not in love with him anymore.
When he split up with me, he completely knocked me. He destroyed me, and I think that has changed everything I felt about him, and I don't feel as though I have the energy to stick this out anymore.
My family and friends keep telling me that I have lost my spark, and that I'm not the same bubbly person I used to be, and I have him to blame for that, he completely knocked the wind out of my sails - and I don't think this can ever be rebuilt.
I am so hurt about all this, it's such a confusing time for me.
Any advice on how I can get through this?
Jayjay, I know it hurts and this isn't going to be easy, but I really believe that you should let him go. It sounds like he is trying to get you angry enough to leave him so that he doesn't have to be the 'bad guy'. I don't think either of you are happy with the relationship. Let it go now before any more resentment is built up.
Once again, the best advice I can think of is to tell him goodbye and go No Contact. Keep yourself busy mentally and physically. Rebuild your own life. Actually give yourself a chance to heal before getting into any relationship.
Give yourself resources to help even out the low moments. Keep writing here. We will do our best to give you support and up-to-date advice.
Volunteering, continuing education, community craft and art classes, exercise, Yoga, etc. are all ways that you can help keep your mind and body going even when you feel like giving up. They can also be ways to make new friends with people who share your same interests.
Just know that no matter what your decision, we will be here. :)
When the first break happened you were so crushed and hurt,and that is to be expected,but when someone you love,that you thought felt the same way could hurt you like that,its bound to change your view and your perseption of them... and you want things back the same way... but its called a breakup because its broken.
Getting back together things have to change,your not the same couple,and wanting it and making it happen can be worlds apart...
Sometimes too much ground to lost in a breakup to make up the difference,and the things you let go before become more noticeable in this new situation.
The advice I can come up with is listen to the people who know you,your friends and family,they see that your light is gone out... but its not gone out,its overshadowed by the relationship... not him... but the new dynamics... im sure he's not a bad guy,we all have faults... listen to your gut feeling on this,listen to your family and take whatever advice here that feels right... add it all up...
And just to repeat what cat has said,there is support and an ear here should you need it.
Jayjay I'm sorry and I hope you re coping. If you re not happy and if you feel he s not trying the best advice I can give is for you to walk away.
It seems he s not willing to address any of his underlying issues and work to get your relationship back on track.
Take care.
Thanks you guys.
I am meeting him tomorrow to finish this for good.
I feel like being cold with him, I think it will be easier if I'm cold with him rather than friendly and cheerful.
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