What mistakes do you think you made and what mistakes do you think she made?
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What mistakes do you think you made and what mistakes do you think she made?
It's really hard... I have regrets... I have been NC for a month now... it's getting better... but I'm not over her at all... I'm dreading the day I actually bump into her... it will happen... but hopefully when I am totally over her... which I know will happen.
Just have to hang in there... I tried for the best part of 6 weeks to win her back... she wanted to keep seeing me, but I soon realised it was to make it easier for her to get over me... first 2 weeks (4 times a week), next 2 weeks (3 times a week) and so on...
There are so many people going through what we are going through... you are not alone and you will become stronger...
In a way now, if she wanted to come back, would I take her back... I don't think I would, in fact I am 100% sure I would not take her back... for several reasons:
1 - she was pretty hard with the break-up, no compassion... do I want to risk again... probably not
2 - I could have kept on to her, had I been more compromising... perhaps I broke up with her in real terms, by not giving her what she needs... hence she broke up...
Read my thread if you want the story:
It's all my fault...
Don't get me wrong, I still have feelings for her and I miss her... but I know it's not going to work... what also makes it hard is my ego... I suppose it's difficult to think of her with someone else... which is inevitable...
These forums are great... they really help... just to write on them, to get the pain out and to think things through logically...
All the best!
I've been thinking a lot about what went wrong during the past few weeks. Like I wrote earlier, I think we reached the end of that first stage where everything is just bliss, and the "reality" of the situation kicked in. There may have been several factors here; the age difference probably became more apparent, maybe for the both of us. She's only 17, so maybe she figured she felt the relationship became too serious. Maybe she doesn't realize that the initial spark will always disappear, and that a relationship takes work. This was my first relationship, so I might have done a lot off stupid stuff that I don't even realize.Quote:
Originally Posted by emopunk7
In terms of mistakes, we didn't take part in each other's life very much. I rarely saw her friends, and she rarely saw mine, especially in the last couple of months. I feel like we would have benefited from seeing each other in a social setting, and she might have seen more of the guy she fell in love with. It might also have spiced up our interaction a little. To put it this way; movie night was getting a little monotonous.
She mentioned how we "don't talk" once, but I didn't get the hint. Another time, she told me that we had to be able to talk about stuff. I felt like we could, so I didn't see it as a problem. On the day of the break-up, she complained that we always just talked about the same (superficial) stuff, and that we never had any "deep" conversations. My point is that she evidently felt that communication was lacking, and this didn't set off the alarm bells with me that it should have.
So, age (difference), didn't become involved enough in the other person's life, communication or lack thereof. Any thoughts?
@The Captain:
It seems like we are having a lot of the same thoughts and emotions. I would probably take her back in a heart beat, although I realize the odds are against us. The thought of her getting a new boyfriend, kissing him, cuddling, and worse, it's severely uncomfortable to think about. Thanks for posting, it helps to hear from others in the same situation. I'll be reading your thread asap.
When we get into an exclusive relationship, its not unusual for it to not work in the long run as people can have a great time but when the fun has run its course its just time to move on. I also think its not unusual to come to know that people want different things at different times and its usually that conflict that breaks a couple up. No biggie though its just those darn human feelings that gets in the way until we get over them.
Talaniman Rule- Date them all, far short, skinny, or tall 18-80, blind cripple or crazy.
Its always been my position to have fun getting to know people, and not just jumping in to fast, or to deep that you can't back out of, and dating around gives you a better perspective on the whole situation, and helps you not fixate on one person, keeps your options open, and gives you a choice when one stands out for a good risk to be exclusively dating (more than just a few months in my book, 6 at least) and the best part, you don't get the high expectations and have time to gather the real facts, and make a good decision based on those facts, and not just those intense feelings that initial attractions bring about.
The point is it makes you take your time, so you can think about what your doing. And you can protect your own heart much better
Remember, to much, to soon, crash and burn, and that sucks.
An insightful comment as always talaniman, thank you :)
I think if she wanted to come back, probably a month ago or so, then perhaps I may have taken her back... but I can't now... for a few reasons:
1 - she has seen me really suffer, so she can see that I love her a lot and hence the relationship will possibly be uneven... I think my mistake was that I was far too desperate and needy when she told me... I should have (listened to others) been more cool and said fine, have your space and then see what you want... in hindsight and in future that's what I will do.
2 - As I initially initiated the break-up, I obvioulsy had issues... and these will not go away... so now that I have partially got over her, there is too much to lose.
3 - I have been with other girls to in the past month, and she may have been with boys... it makes me feel sick to think about it, but it's a real possibility and I could not handle that... it would bother me...
4 - Right now I don't want to know her or see her, just for self-preservation... in 6 to 12 months, when I hope I am fully over her, then I won't care and probably laugh at myself... and then would be fine to see her, as we were very good friends...
I think you only get over someone when you meet someone new who is equal or better... which in my situation is going to be tough... but who knows.
Talaniman - I agree that it's better to date a few girls at once, keeping your options open etc... but with me the issue is that I always prefer one to the others and then just want to see that one... so it's not easy!
I just received a text from my ex saying "do you wanna meet today?" I'm literally shaking now. What should I do? You're probably going to say to just ignore her, but I just don't know if I have it in me.
How long ago did she break-up with you?
And
How long have you had No Contact?
It's been three weeks to the day, and there hasn't been any contact or attempted contact from either one of us since she walked out my door that day.
I'm no expert... but take your time first of all.
It's been 3 weeks and you have done very well. Perhaps she is hurt that you did not try to get her to come back... so she wants to see you again... who knows.
I would love to have been in your position... but I made mistakes and was too needy...
I would arrange to meet her, but I would play it totally cool... as she could just want to have closure or she might want back...
If she wants back and you are happy with it, you need to make sure she's desperate to come back and you have partially moved on etc...
You don't want her to give you this treatement 2 months down the line.
You need to find out why she has done what she did...
I personally would meet... but not today... maybe Wednesday/Thursday...
Appear busy!
She's most likely testing you to see how you react because you've disappeared from her life so well (she probably wasn't expecting it). She's curious. I'd ignore it. If you really really do want to reply, proceed with caution - ask her why she wants to meet you and act like you don't want to or don't think it's a good idea.
Well, like a jackass, I ask for your advice, and then ignore it. We've agreed to meet tomorrow. This might be a bad idea, but I feel like it's worth the setback to at least give it a shot. We'll probably just talk little bit, might not even be productive, but at least I won't be wondering "what if?"...
I was in your shoes many times my friend. I advise you to go into tomorrow with absolutely no expectations of resolving anything, although I know that is impossible. While I would love to be able to talk you out of this mess, I know it won't do any good. I wish you luck! Be cool, calm and collected during this conversation.Quote:
Originally Posted by Something_Here
She is only fishing for you to be in her life as a friend, but you probably think she misses you, and wants you back.
I don't think so, but its up to you. After dumping someone its easy to keep someone around until something better catches her attention.
My girlfriend wanted me to be in her life... but as friends... I presume she wanted to get used to seeing me less and less in a gradual process... after a while I got fed up... but after living with someone for 2.5 years and doing everything with them, it was difficult to avoid her...
Tomorrow - I would play it really cool... show no interest in getting back... if she wants to, then say you are not sure... if she wants to be friends, say no...
Don't show emotion... let us know!
I envy you, I wish I had that chance!
Doh! You could have at least waited a while before replying :rolleyes:.
Too late to do anything about it now though. She now knows you're still wanting to get back with her. Try and hint to her that you aren't, but make sure you're subtle in doing so. Appear busy, as if you have lots of other things you could be doing instead. I wouldn't spend too long with her either. If she does ask about another chance, give it some thought. Don't give her an answer straight away, go off and think about it. If all she wants is friendship, tell her you're not interested.
I will say, with all honesty, my ex wanted me in her life as well... until she found another boyfriend. Trust me, you won't want to be around to see that, so if I were you, I would disappear from her life.
The risk here is that it's going to leave you with yet more disappointment as you'll go there hoping for a new chance that's probably not going to happen.
On a side note... it was my ex's birthday a week ago... I did not send her anything, not even a text... was I rude?
Captain, stop hijacking someone else's thread, you have your own to comment on about your own situation.
It's not a question of being rude or not-once NC there should be no more communication, including birthday cards.
Thanks for all your feedback guys!
I've been telling myself all day that she does not wish to get back together, she's probably curious because I haven't contacted her, or she wants to talk about what went wrong or something. I will try to keep my expectations at an absolute minimum.
I'm fairly nervous about tomorrow, partly because I'm nervous about what she's going to say, but also because I know it'll be a setback, and I'll feel like s**t afterwards. Hopefully I'll cope with it better this time around.
I think you will, because your eyes are open, and you vision is much clearer.
Much luck.
Well I just came back. She wanted to be friends, told her it was a bad idea. She looked beautiful today, so now I miss her like h*ll again. Both as expected. I'll post more later, now I'm just going to rant in my journal for a bit.
Thumbs up sticking to your conviction, despite how good she looked. The journal venting is also an excellent move.
Thanks, but it wasn't hard to turn her down. After a while it was just so painful to be sitting there without being able to hold her hands or play with her hair or kiss her or anything. She also mentioned in passing how this guy had hit on her, and just the idea of her hooking up at a party or something is enough to kill me, so I knew friendship would never work, although it seemed like she genuinely wanted it and me as part of her life, and wasn't just trying to ease her own guilt. I made a record breaking entry into the journal today...
Well done. I have been in your shoes before and it sucks, but I'm proud of you. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Something_Here
Thanks. I think I'll recover more quickly this time, although it's painful to think about this great girl that I lost. I'm trying to see the silver lining here; if I was able to attract this beautiful, outgoing, resourceful, great girl now, then hopefully I'll be able to find another great girl later (Hope that doesn't sound too arrogant :P).
I have every ounce of confidence you will! Good luck buddy!Quote:
Originally Posted by Something_Here
No doubt.Quote:
I'm trying to see the silver lining here; if I was able to attract this beautiful, outgoing, resourceful, great girl now, then hopefully I'll be able to find another great girl later (Hope that doesn't sound too arrogant
Buddy I knoow what you are saying... Im going through the same thing right now but I don't understand girls at all. My girl friend said to me that we need to take a break from our relationship but we are not breaking up... now to make things worst she texted me yesterday asking me how's everything is going so I texted back saying Im good... Now I don't know if we have broke up or what.. Now this pit is advice from my best friend who is a girl "Dont call her send her a text answer the phone nothing that will really upset her. If your friends or family answer the phone tell then to tell he that you are busy don't have any contact with her that will make things worst for you its going to be hard I know because I want to ring my girlfriend right now... GOOD LUCK
[once more, sorry about the long post. The journal wasn't enough today]
I was feeling better... I'm just a textbook example of why NC is important; I was just beginning to feel better, but after sitting down with her for an hour, a lot of emotions came flooding back. She looked stunning, beautiful, cute as... It hurts to think about this truly amazing girl that I lost (I have her on a pedestal, I know).
She wanted to be friends, and I said that I need some time and space to get over her, as I still have feelings for her, but that maybe we could try to be friends somewhere down the line (kinda doubt it). She asked me to contact her once I felt like I was ready.
I asked her why she thinks we broke up. I asked about some of the stuff that I've been mentioning here in the past few weeks, but she didn't feel like age had been a problem. She didn't feel like communication had been a problem either - which is good - but after we talked about it for a while I still felt like this is something we could have done better.
What she did see as a problem though, was our personalities; she felt that we were too different. She mentioned as an example how she's always stressed and works her a** off until she becomes ill, while I'm more laidback, "I do what I feel like" as she put it. I'm in business school, so I'm not totally without ambition - I think she was talking more about attitude here. Anyway, I think she may have had a point.
Whether you want to say it's due to personality, age, maturity, different interests, or whatever, she's probably right that we were too different for it to work in the long run. Like Talaniman said, you can have fun, but once it stops being fun, then maybe it's time to move on.
She did say one thing that had me pondering though. I can't remember exactly how she phrased it, but she talked about how she had liked it in the very beginning, when we were just hanging out, how she liked it then. I think she said something about us being friends at that time, because I was thinking to myself that we've never been just friends, there's always been some undercurrent of attraction (for me at least). I asked her if she felt like it had become too serious, and she said no. She was also the first one to express her feelings for me, so...
I don't know, maybe she doesn't want to be tied up in a relationship, she's a real party girl.
Which bothers me by the way. She likes to party, she's very outgoing, cute, and she'll often get pretty drunk, so I know it's just a matter of time before some douche hits on her. I hope it'll be long before she gets a new boyfriend, that would just totally destroy me at this point.
You have said about 200000 times that she is pretty.. pretty pretty
And she goes out and gets drunk.
So you got a young hot girl getting drunk..
Needless to say myfriend you have no faith in her.. nor trust.. which.. stands to reason after what she has done.
She has broken up with you.. to go off and have fun. And not being in a serious relationships
It hurts like hell
And you seeing her again was a massive mistake.
Remember this
Out of sight.. only a memorie.. feelings fade.
In sight.. Feelings get mixed up.. and only pain
All the best
I learned the hard way too. About the importance of NC, and it doesn't matter the reasons for a break up! Not at all. It still sucks.Quote:
I'm just a textbook example of why NC is important
I don't feel like trust was an issue when we were a couple, but maybe you're right, maybe that's changed now. I guess I don't have faith in her walking the straight and narrow, so to speak... She can do whatever she wants of course, but that doesn't mean that I have to like it...Quote:
Originally Posted by TrueFaith
I got the impression that this was part of the reason yeah. Although she didn't really say so, it seems like this might have been a factor.Quote:
Originally Posted by TrueFaith
It was worth it just to get rid of the uncertainty, but yeah, hurts like h*ll. Had the urge toQuote:
Originally Posted by TrueFaith
Contact her just now, but I just thought of how much it hurt when I saw her again .That'll keep me motivated.
Thank you! :)Quote:
Originally Posted by TrueFaith
Hang on to that-contact hurts and that s one pain you don't need.
Keep healing,one day at the time. Be patient with yourself and be good to yourself.
Keep posting and take care.
Today it's been one month since she broke up with me. Although I think about her all the time, miss her like crazy, and although there's still pain, I am getting better, if ever so slowly. Yesterday I was sitting in the cafeteria at school by myself, just smiling because I was in a good mood. It's something that would often happen, but hasn't happened in a while.
I keep thinking about what Friend4U wrote:
"Remember the person you were when you first met your ex and get that person back."
I want that person back. Hopefully it won't be too long before I find myself again.
You re getting there,remember time's on your side.
Thanks. It sucks to be forced to get over her, but it's better than the alternative.
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