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Already a response.
"I am sorry I haven't stayed in contact with you. I have been thinking of you and just wanted to know how you were doing. I guess I was afraid to just give you a call. I don't know why. I don't want this to happen though.... "
So just go into NC now and ignore? She obviously doesn't respect my decision or feelings.
Ignore it. You've given her all the response that is needed already.
You know you're stronger than you thought you were. Keep up the good work.
I just came across your story coffee. I am very proud of you for listening to these experts. They really know what they are talking about. You did the right thing in deleting her from my space. Never check up on an ex when you are trying to move on with your life. Some ex loves getting back at you and starts whoring their new relationship on social networks just to make you extra pissy and jealous, even though they are the one whop dumped you but cannot leave you alone.
I just gave my ex the warning to stop harassing me or I will go to HR. he has agreed to stop. Let's see if he keeps his words.
In the meantime, keep your head up. You are doing a great job! Don't let her get to you! The more you pay attention, the more you feed her ego. Stay strong and move on! No contact in any shape or form!
Thank you for the words of encouragement. I received one more message after her last a couple hours after I ignored it along the lines of 'we have been friends for so long I don't want you completely gone from my life.' I am pretty sure that's what it said I read it and quickly deleted it. Since then she has left me alone.Quote:
Originally Posted by 123skyscraper
It feels great to finally have cut that last tie of contact. The roller coaster ride was starting to get to me and it seemed like the only times I hit a hard drop was when I read/saw something on her profile. Now that I have deleted her I feel surprisingly free. This is the first time that I finally feel completely separated from her and emotionally I feel better than I have in the past 3 months.
There are times where I want to tell her how I feel still or I catch myself almost feeling bad for her (no f'in idea why) but it's much easier to pivot off these feelings now. Before I would almost feel anxiety when these feelings came up to check her profile (work at a computer all day, very easy to type in Facebook). Well those feelings are gone and the road seems much easier to travel down now. Thanks again to everyone for the excellent advice and words of encouragement.
Feels much better when you're in the drivers seat doesn't it?
The roller coaster ride continues. Defriending her was the greatest thing I could have possibly done to get my head on straight. The fact that we were in a long distance relationship and now the defriending there is almost literally no way for information on her to get back to me. It's almost like she doesn't exist. The past 2 weeks have been very fulfilling and much easier not seeing/knowing what she is doing every day/weekend.
Yet this week has been a bit harder. Probably the fact that I haven't slept much recently and work is very slow but she seems to be on my mind a lot. Just the ups and downs of a breakup. I'm sure something will come up soon and I'll forget about her for a couple of weeks. This roller coaster ride of emotions is the hardest part of the breakup. I just never seem to know what days will be great and what days will have her itching at the back of my brain.
The fact that I haven't really found someone else yet to take my mind of her is probably some of the reason too. I don't want to jump into another relationship but could use some time with someone else to take my mind off her.
How long did some of you wait until you started the process of actually looking to date find someone else? I of course am in that phase now but don't feel like I am quite ready yet for another relationship at this point in time.
That is the easy way out and it leads to a rebound. Utilize your friends, family and this website for emotional support, don't use a female as a rebound to make yourself feel better. You're better than that and it isn't worth hurting others. Women are attracted to guys who have a good sense of self and are confident with or without someone by their side.Quote:
The fact that I haven't really found someone else yet to take my mind of her is probably some of the reason too. I don't want to jump into another relationship but could use some time with someone else to take my mind off her.
I waited for about 6 months before considering a date. I flirted with a lot of girls, but I never carried it farther than that. I knew I wanted nothing to do with a relationship. It is different for everyone, but don't start dating until you get the feeling of loneliness out of you. You can be alone without feeling lonely, two different things. (Side-note, I had just come out of a nearly 5 year relationship)Quote:
How long did some of you wait until you started the process of actually looking to date find someone else? I of course am in that phase now but don't feel like I am quite ready yet for another relationship at this point in time.
Just take your time, fill your life up with fun and challenging events and go from there. Leave the dating stuff for a later time.
It's early days yet,so long as you've not healed completely any relationship you become involved in will be a rebound which is not right for you, nor is it fair on the other person.
I think many of us just know when we are ready and as long as we have to ask the question-are we ready-we're not.
As you re still on the roller-coaster you need to give yourself more time to heal.
Yeah I am pretty much in this exact phase now. Meeting new people, flirting, realizing I still have game, but not really taking it to the next level. The feeling of loneliness is still sometimes there and it just felt like it was tied more to the fact that I am now single, not that I am getting over a relationship. At 24, most of my friends are 24/25 and a lot of them are in the I have been single for a while and I am lonely/looking for a life mate phase. Just feels like I am in that phase but it probably has a lot more to do with the fact that I am still getting over a tough break up, not that I am now single and lonely. (small fact, haven't been single since I was 17. I have been in two different long term relationships. I broke off the first one and jumped into the second one. Never really had single time to myself so this whole experience is a bit new to me)Quote:
Originally Posted by kctiger
You and I both just forgot how to be single. There's nothing wrong with that. You just relearn how to enjoy certain things. It is like being in a relationship. Let's not act like those are all joy and happiness to begin with, because they have their drawbacks as well. So, for now. You adjust to this new change in your life and adapt to being happy in a different way. It isn't abnormal, it is just hard at first. Give yourself some more time. We get used to things for so long that when those things aren't around, we immediately freak out and want back into our comfort zone.
I appreciate the advice kctiger. It's these small setbacks of loneliness that bring the breakup back to the forefront of my mind and it's tough to look at my situation clearly and even harder to think that someday these feelings will in fact be completely gone.
It's the two steps forward one step back that hit you. One day life is grand and the next the emotions come whirling back. It's good to hear from those who went through this and were in similar situations themselves.
I am not going to sit here an tell you that I don't still trip up a bit. There are days I still miss her a bit, and we broke up over a year ago :eek:... no worries though my man! Keep on keepin' on.
Of course these things always seem to happen. The day I start posting again, and the day the roller coaster hits a small downswing, I a receive a text from the ex...
'Just wanted to say hi and hope you are doing well'
Ummm, please leave me alone. Ignored.
Delete and move on, no sweat man!
Well done :)
Doesn't make sense to me why the 'breaker' is the one who makes the decision to end it, yet puts up a fight when you want them to leave you alone.
Dear X
I don't care if we were friends before, I don't care if you don't want me out of your life completely. We shared a large portion of our life together and now that it is over I don't want anything to do with you. Is it really that hard to understand. We can never be friends, we can never go back to before we dated. Move on and leave me alone.
-CP
Very succinct and powerful - you are setting the rules now - your rules. Excellently worded :)
Please tell me you didn't send this?!Quote:
Originally Posted by Coffee Pot
Dead silence is a much stronger message than an emotional outburst. A message like that just tells her you're still broken hearted and pining over her.
Haha, did not send. Today I've been itching to break NC but I know it's not in my best interest. I am ignoring and hopefully she will get the hint and leave me alone. I'm guessing she won't give up that easily but a couple more ignores and she will.Quote:
Originally Posted by Imabadman
Coffee Pot - 1
Ex - 0
Win.
Can't get these Led Zeppelin lyrics out of my head and feel the need to text them in reply to her last message. This would most definitely be catastrophic, so instead I'll post them for all of you to read. Enjoy.
"One of these days and it won't be long
You'll look for me but baby, I'll be gone"
Good thinking-post here-don't text the ex!
Got a message from the X's best friend (mutual good friend).
Asking who this new girl in my profile photo is, and if I was coming to her party in a couple of weeks. She makes a note to say the X won't be there.
Two things. I still like this girl and am not going to ignore her because I still consider her a friend. I can't make the party because of a previous engagement. I plan on just writing. Sorry I can't make it I have to do this and this instead. Blah blah blah. But the second thing is, I don't hate my X and I'm not going to avoid a party/bar/place of enjoyment just because she is there. Should I even mention this to her. I feel like since I am doing this whole ignore thing she thinks I am bitter and hate her.
So do I ignore the fact that she brought up my X and continue to do what I am doing, or make a small note that I don't hate the X and she is not the reason I would go/not go?
Just tell her you can't make it which is true-no need to mention the ex.
I would do this.Quote:
Originally Posted by Coffee Pot
Haha you guys are harsh, but I am already learning fast. I had actually already replied to her last night with a comment just saying sorry I couldn't make it and I already have plans. I was feeling a little guilty, no idea why, that she made a comment that the X won't be there. This to me means the X and her friends think I hate her. It ate at me a little bit but I decided to ignore it. Just figured I would come in here and see if my decision was the way to go.
It did feel like she was actually baiting me. Almost like it was a message from the X and the friend, trying to get any info, any tidbit of knowledge showing my thoughts towards the X.
It's been a good week, and a great month since I signed on here and started listening to the advice of the 'pros.' I've had setbacks here and there, and I still miss her even today. But it is nothing like I felt a month or 2 ago. In due time she'll be a thing of the past and I can reconcile then if I even want to.
You re doing well CP-dont worry about the tidbit hunters-just ignore that.
Good job recognizing the trap and staying out of it.
Message via MySpace last night.
'Will you please talk to me'
These are getting harder and harder to ignore. I already know what I need to do but I want her to leave me alone. I am itching to reply with something along the lines of 'about?' I realize this is not the way to go but for a while there has been some things I wanted to say to her. I won't give in though.
Unless she shows up, in person, to wherever you are, I would continue to ignore. If she wants it bad enough, she will find you in person, not through a random and informal social networking site.
I think this the main reason I haven't replied.Quote:
Originally Posted by kctiger
Hierarchy of talking to someone you care about:
Face to Face
Phone
Letter
Text
Message through friend
Carrier Pigeon
.
.
.
Myspace
Maybe once she even attempts one in the top 3-4 I will contemplate responding.
You doing really well!
And as you said yourself the last few weeks have been tough but you feel better... her issues and her problems are all HERS!
You are looking out for someone who will get you through... that person is YOU..
She made her bed,let her lie in it now...
Not your problem.
Can you block her from myspace,instead of de-friend?
If you can you won't have to read any messages... she is not thinking about your need now only her own... if she did care and was your 'friend' she would leave you alone.
Or have the decency to speak to you face to face.
Listen CP this is the position you choose to take. That position inherently has you in her crossfire so to speak.Quote:
Originally Posted by Coffee Pot
You wanted to remain friends on Myspace. And let's be honest here CP... it was only so you could harbor some hope with her. The Myspace thing allows you to observe her online (cyber stalking) and it also gives you/her another channel of communication. Just hanging on…
So you see these dwindling pains are your choice to endure. Yeah… it does suck. I’ve done myself, think we all have at one point or another. Letting go of every bit of hope is the hardest thing to do but you never truly move on until you do.
I removed her from myspace, but she can still message me. I am at the point where I have let go of every bit of hope. My head and heart battled for a while. Let go and heal, or hope and be hurt. I finally decided to follow my head with the help of most people on here. Does my heart still fight back every once in a while? Yes, but in my head there is no more Coffee Pot and Ex Miss Coffee Pot.Quote:
Originally Posted by Imabadman
She is still friends with her other long term boyfriend from high school. He stuck around and let her play with his emotions. She still had sexual relations with him up until we started dating. That all stopped but a year into our relationship (3 years after they broke up) he called her and told her he loved her. She has done this before and doesn't even realize what she is doing. Now they are back as friends, no idea if he still has feelings for her. But if I am calling her up 3 years from now to tell her I still love her than I have some serious problems. Not going to happen.
I've set up this conversation in my mind and wanted to tell her for a while. How exes can't be friends, knowing she will bring up her and her high school ex that are still friends. I want to show her what she did to him, and what she is trying to do to me.
So imabadman, not sure what your advice is in this situation. If your just saying I made my own bed too (by not getting over her at first waiting this long to defriend) than I understand but where to go next.
CP, if you want to get it off your chest, write it down on piece of paper. So you aren't tempted to send it, put in the grill/fireplace and burn it or through a paper shredder. There is also writing it here if you want someone else to read it.
I know you want to tell her how you feel and 'make her see' what she has and is doing to others, but I don't think you would be able to get through to her until the other guy and possibly a few others say the same thing.
It may not seem like it, but your silence is probably the most effective way to get through to her as things stand right now.
We all write those letters in our head. Its OK.
Ive even written them down, then trashed them. Along with lots of other notes good & bad.
The point is that they only really matter to ourselves to help heal.
Our exs don't care or deserve any further thoughts or realizations from us. She lost that right a long time ago.
Total NC forever is the only way. Let her live her own life.
And you can live yours.
Well it's been 38 days since I last contacted her and about 4+ months since our breakup.
The past couple of days have been great. The roller coaster still took it's dips but the low points were almost higher than the high points of just a couple of months ago. I even woke up this morning feeling great like I had actually finally hit a new point and it was the best I had felt in a while.
Then for some reason work has been extremely slow. So I started to think about her, and I started reading stuff on this site. And my head started spinning again. I realize it's just a setback but I miss her a lot today. I have a strong urge to contact her. 2 reasons I won't, 1. she contacted me through MySpace which is just cowardly & 2. it's been over a week since she contacted me so any contact would be initiated by me at this point not a reply to her. (At the very least these are the reasons I won't contact her)
I have a feeling next time she tries to contact me I might be closer to giving in depending on the circumstances. For some reason I have false hope today and keep thinking she'll come crying back. I am at a point where I don't even want her back, just want that feeling of 'it's my decision now.'
Right when I feel on top of the world a drop hits again. I will continue NC, my goal is to hit 90 days before I even contemplate contacting or replying. It's going to be tough but I have seen the benefits already and won't give in.
I just wonder what she's thinking. What her feelings are towards me at this point. But then I realize none of that matters. All that matters is how I am feeling and how I am doing. I am doing better then ever and this is just a small setback that will pass. Just let it go.
/rant
Rants are allowed! As are highs and lows-but I think you realise that you've turned the corner now.
I bet by the time day ninety rolls around you will have lost count.
And you'll keep on feeling great when you wake up every morning.
Take care Coffee Pot.
CP, what you are going through is normal.
As amicon said, rants are allowed. Better you rant to us and get advice on what comes out than you rant to her or a bottle.
Don't kick yourself for the down moments. Instead, take that positive outlook up again and do something that makes you feel good.
I think you will make 90 days if just keep doing what you are doing. :)
Feel free to rant any time you want! Anything to help you keep up your progress.
I just reviewed all your posts again and I notice your gradual improvement from one post to another.
You've been a inspiration. Keep it up!
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