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No offense, but I think you should let your man have his time alone to go jogging, while you can spend your time doing something you like to do... jogging to me is a solitary activity unless you jog with someone who jogs at the same pace and doesn't talk! It's annoying to a jogger to have to constantly keep up with the conversation when they are probably trying to unwind from their day! If you can't keep up and shut-up... don't go!
I had to spread the rep, but you are absolutely right in that! She does need to work on herself. But she has to work on herself apart from working on the relationship if she wants it to work. What I meant when I said they both needed to put forth the effort was that both need to be working on the communication.Quote:
Originally Posted by jmooney527
I am trying to work on the problems that I have. I'm taking it day by day and finding my own activities to do to keep my mind of minor altercations. I am using the advice that everyone had given me.
ZoeMarie: where can I find these workbooks you were talking about?
Oh I'm sorry. I missed that part didn't I? You know, I actually saw something at Target the other day, but I don't remember what it was called. I would imagine any book store would have them. My husband and I got a book called "Simple Secrets to a Great Marriage" for our wedding. It's geared toward couples that want to improve their relationship, whether they're engaged, married, or thinking about either. It's actually helped us understand each other quite a bit.
HotP it would do you some good to have contact (conversation) with someone who has gone through and dealt with the feelings you are having. I was where you were once as well. Self help books are all right, but nothing beats talking to someone with experience, you know?
Honest communications-
Even though you talk to some one, they have to be willing to listen, so they can understand. One thing that I think is so important is, not only putting your feelings out there, but your issues also. He needs to know you have have trust issues, and why, as well as be reassured that your trying to do better in that regard, with words and actions, from you.
Is this something you have relayed to him, about yourself??
I think you get a much better reaction, when your completely honest. When your actions and words are impulsive, and not very well thought out, your asking for trouble, and I have to agree with Zoe about one thing, he has a responsibility also to talk and listen and not just react, as I have learned when we are dealing with our own feelings, we tend not to pay a lot of attention to the feelings of others, and just never question why someone acts the way they, do, or do what they do. That's a lack of understanding that comes from not having honest communications, from either partner. Reactions without facts are just assumptions, and thats not communicating.
You have issues that needs working on, but clearly, so does he. You can only control yourself, not him, so if your issues push him away, don't take all the blame, because he has to be willing to address the issues too.
Yes he knows that I have trusting issues. I've told him that. He told me that that was something that I need to work on on my own. So...
Your right about talking to someone about these issues but if I were to go see a therapist, you have to have insurance, I don't have that. And I don't know a lot of people that have gon through what I have gon through. Only some of the people on this site
I actually went to a counselor when I had these problems... I used to EXTREMELY jealous and overprotective. Sometimes we see the faults in ourselves become self destructive... that was the point I was at.
These things happen and everybody has their off days. If you're not a jogging enthusiast (and I take it that you're not), then the next time he asks you to go jogging with him, just say "no, but I'll make sure to have some ice cold lemonade ready for you when you get back."
How come when you get with someone in a relationship, at the beginning of it everything is perfect, like all the romance you see on TV...
For example, I have a boyfriend. When we first got together he would take me out to eat, call just to hear my voice, buy my special gift, (whether it just be a card) buy me flowers etc. Everything was great. I felt like a princess the way he treated me at the time.
Now I'm not saying that there is anything wrong right now. I'm just wondering why guys don't do that stuff anymore after the relationship turn old, and you been with that person for more than a year. See, I still treat my boyfriend the same way now as we were when we first got together. I write him notes every once in a while just to tell him how special he is to me, and send him text messages at work just to let him know that I'm thinking about him.
Because guys have the rational thought to understand that finances come into play... it is cool to do something special, but most of the stuff we as guys "have" to do to make you feel special involve spending money.
I have no problem with doing the little things, notes etc, but that is generally looked upon as the female's job, while we have to whine and dine, buy flowers, jewelry all that expensive stuff. I would rather save money and go on a nice vacation or romantic get away. Just me... and don't bash me too hard ladies, I am just letting my opinion be heard.
It's the thrill of the "chase" and the feeling of the unexpected. After you have been "won over" he doesn't feel the need to do all those things again. It sounds primal and stupid but it's pretty much true. We as humans have these instincts to want what we can't have, and chasing after a woman is one of those instincts. It's the feeling of the "hunt".
Also there's the feeling of monotony... when everything stays the same on a day-to-day basis it can get a little boring for some people. I'm not saying it means he loves you any less, but he doesn't have to put as much effort into winning your affection since he knows he already has you.
I have read a book or two on this matter and I can give you some titles if it interests you.
You want the most honest, most ruthless answer? Because sh*t gets old.Quote:
Originally Posted by HotPotato2009
Relationships are tough to maintain. The made-for-TV couples that we may see from time to time involve two people who instinctively know how keep things fresh by not over doing it. It's probably this type that buys an RV or a touring bike and drive all over the country after retirement. If you're boyfriend bought you flowers every single day for a year, it wouldn't be a treat, it'd just be a routine, and what's the fun in that?
This is why I say space is a great thing to have in a relationship. It'll force you to break that routine and keep the mystery and excitement alive.
Honeymoon phase. The first 18 months are the honeymoon phase. You don't fight and if you do its not a bad fight. But after 2 -5 years of being with someone you fight a lot more and have less romance.
Think of it like this. If you JUST met someone in a restaurant and they did something to tick you off, you wouldn't slug them in the arm and call them a jerk.. but take my best friend of 20 years. If he got on my nerves I'd pop him in the arm and tell him to shut up. After 20 years of knowing him I treat him different or worse than you'd treat a stranger. Why? Because we have a relationship that's lasted so long we know that doing that stuff won't offend each other and break our friendship up. But with a stranger you don't know them, so if you yell at them or etc they will react in a way you don't know and aren't prepared for.
Same with a new relationship. If you are boring and lame the first 2 months she will be tired of you and move on. So you give her flowers and chocolates, take her out, tell her how beautiful she is. But after 5 years, you've had the milk and the cow. You've seen her in her worst and best, so you wake up, call her, go to eat food, and hang out. You don't show up in your best outfit possible with a flowers. You show up in Jeans and your hair is messed up.
I love the thrill of the chase and those first few months of heat and lust...
But,I prefer when things settle down,when I can rely on him,when he has become my confident and friend and lover.
Give him a little nudge,
Like kc I like the weekends away to lots of little things,but a little thing to me is running a bath for me,or getting me my favorite bar of chocolate when he's getting petrol,just because!
Because I'm out of money and your expectations are too high.
First book is "Men Made Easy"... it's kind of corny but quite insightful...
Amazon.com: Men Made Easy : How to Get What You Want from Your Man: Kara Oh: Books
2nd is "Why Men Love es"...
Amazon.com: Why Men Love es: From Doormat to Dreamgirl - A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship: Sherry Argov: Books
I hope everyone that posted an answer knows that I was just asking this question out of curiosity. But the different answers that I received were really helpful and I appreciate them.
Like I was saying before the little things are what keeps me going. I like to receive little love notes every now and then, a back rub or foot rub etc. Those things don't cost money.
Shoot I treat my boyfriend like a king (without buying him things half the time). I would expect to get the same treatment.
Thanks jmooney :-) Did these books help you at all?
But it's a slippery slope. It's harder to appreciate something when you get it all the time... especially without asking.
I'm not saying doing nice things is bad... just don't too it ALL the time, especially if you don't feel appreciated for doing it.
It helps understand human nature and how people act the way they do... I'm naturally inquisitive so I find this kind of stuff interesting.Quote:
Originally Posted by HotPotato2009
I didn't read the 2nd book but I've heard a lot of good things about it from people who have.
Ok well thanks for the titles. I'll have to check them out.
And I wasn't insinutating that you were, I was just giving you a general answer to your general question.Quote:
Originally Posted by HotPotato2009
And you should get the same treatment but what you need to realize is as guys its way harder for us to do those things,if he's doing absolutely nothing than there's a proublem and talk it out but if he's just doing less give him the credit and go way over board thanking him and making over it then hell see hey I need to do this more often.Quote:
Originally Posted by HotPotato2009
But don't start the tic for tac thing that's just going to discourage you
I'm going to simply things a bit.
Relationships are about making each other happy. People change over time. The little things done in the beginning are important to court someone. Once courted and you become a more serious couple, you expect bigger things for each other. Thus, less time for the little things.
The little things are important, but the bigger things are even more important.
When the honeymoon is over the reality sets in and you see that its two people who are different trying to work, and live together. Much different than dating, as you have to communicate, and be reasonable in your demands. The other posters are right, things change and you have to adjust to your partner as you learn more about their ways. And they learn more about you.
Just remember, as you have issues, so does he.
I think what counts more are the little things that are done on a consistent basis,holding the door for you,telling you he loves you out of the blue and not just at the end of a phone call.
My wife brings me a cup of coffee every morning and sets it next to me on the night stand,doesn't sound like much but I can count on one hand how many times she hasn't done it in 11 years.
Aww zippit that was nice
I'll keep that in mind
Ok, everyone has something that they need to work on. Me, I need to work on myself esteem, jealousy, and relationship security. Other than those things, my relationship with my boyfriend is great. Anyone have an idea on how to stop these feelings that I have?
No one is answering this thread because there is not a specific question. I'd dig deeper into what your problems are and post them...
A
Oh OK thank you
Hey Room!
My boyfriend keeps his phone with him. He will take his phone with him if he goes to take the trash out, sometimes when he goes to the bathroom, and when he gets in the shower. I don't understand why he does that. Last night my boyfriend got in the shower and he had his phone on top of the toilet. I'm like, "why does he always do that" I didn't say this to him but I thought it. Its not like he really needs the phone with him while he's in the shower. It really bothers me when he does this because it just tells me that he doesn't trust me. Yeah I've went through his phone 3 or 4 times since we been together (and we've been together for 4 years). But if he doesn't have anything to hide it shouldn't be a problem for him to leave his phone out around me.
What do you guys thinks?
I would kick any gal to the curb at the first instance of going through my phone (and I don't have a phone) while we were dating unless it was an actual somebody's-gonna-freaking-die emergency. Married'd be 'nother matter. But, after three or four times I wouldn't trust you either.Quote:
Originally Posted by HotPotato2009
My boyfriend does the same thing. And I'm pretty sure it's simply to annoy me. He'll sometimes leave it out and I'll go through it (I get bored. I never expect to find anything). And even when his entire inbox is from me he'll come back and grab it away. It's almost more of a game now for us
Yeah but we been together for 4 years. I went through his phone 3-4 times since then. That's pretty good if you ask me. Compared to other girls out here that go through their boyfriends phone everyday! So I'm not even trying to here that.
It's not like he never went through my phone. I can leave my phone out without a problem because I don't have anything to hide.
Yeah that does make a little sense but I think its stupid lol. Ya know what I mean?
I do the same thing mostly just out of habit. I paid nearly 600 bucks for my phone (it is special) it is never out of my sight. I actually get kind of bugged out if I don't have my phone. Not because I think my wife is going to go through it but because I think I lost it and my wife would beat my @$$ if I lost it.
Lol Well I understand where you are coming from. I get like that too sometimes especially when I cam out at the store or something. I always figure I left my phone on a counter or something.
I can kind of see where your coming from, however at the same time I am the same way with my phone. It a habit that I got into a long time ago. Where I go my phone goes. That's all it is in some cases. A habit created a long time ago that isn't a problem so it doesn't need to be broken. My boyfriend is the same way with his phone.
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