You want the right path, leave her alone, and find it for yourself. As long as your focused on this healing, confused, distracted female, you lose your own goals, and dreams.

Keep going down the path your on, your looking for more misery, and pain, than you have now.

Romance, and fantasy, are great when put in the right perspective, but reality takes no prisoners.

Why can't you wake up and realise she s stringing you along and using you as her emotional crutch?Has none of the advice you ve been given here sunk in?

Now I do really think that she'll drive me mad.

She loves me, that I'm sure.
On Friday she told me that she's afraid to make the first step again, she doesn't want to get hurt.

But 1 thing, 1 thing is really... that I found out yesterday. She's not virgin.

It's because of this truth that she didn't tell me that she loves me too, she's afraid to make the first step as well, THAT'S WHY!! And I thought that I must be misjudging her. She thought that my thoughts would change.

Yesterday morning, like every day she called me, I was fed up, I expressed all my feelings, told her all what I had to. She wasn't willing to accept that she loves me too, making excuses that my parents wouldn't accept that and in the end I told her to choose between me and her bfriend.

She wouldn't accept that she loves me too.

Why ? I was just thinking and thinking, making a mess of myself.

Around midday she sent me a text message.

"Hi Terry. I'm sorry I hurt you so much. After what I going to tell you, I'm sure that you're gonna hate me.
I loved Nitish a lot, a lot, so much that we even had love.
That's why I hate myself so much. When I hate myself so much how do you want me to love you?
I know that your mind-set and your feeling would change, but that's ok I'm used to it.
I don't want anyone to touch me again."

Man, I'm the only one who knows how broken I was, I was destroyed. Till now I thought she was v... BUT, I loved her, love HER!

Since she told me that I kept on calling her, she ignored my calls, at about 1am I talked to her, she was not willing to talk, I needed to implore her to talk.
Still she wouldn't talk.


At night I wasn't able to get some sleep, I refreshed myself with my clothes on , I don't know what was going in my head!! OH, JESUS!!

It’s in the beginning of this year that they had sex the 1st time, last time was back in April.
Every time I read the text she sent me, it hurts!
When I imagine, how he must have made love to her, it really hurts at lot!!
She told me as well, most often when I was off, before he went to work.

You love someone that much that you're willing to do everything for him even dreamt of your future with him.
He's been making all kinds of promises to you.
After 3 ½years of relationship you agree to have sex with him because you love him too much, once he got what he wanted he pisses you off, blames you for every single issue even blames you parents for not holding to the engagement. How would you feel??

SHE'S BROOKKEENNNN, she knows that he took advantage of her!!

She suffered at lot being with him but she loved him, she couldn't say a word against, after having sex she realized that only when he wanted her that he recalled her, even wiped out the engagement out her mind while.

I told her to come and meet me today, before I go to work as she's off today.
I would be by her side for every decision she makes, each steps she makes and forever.
I was explaining her that she must not live like this; making a dull face, not willing to talk to me, etc.

After she told me that she's not virgin, she wasn't mentally stable.
She said that she wouldn't feel comfortable if she hadn't told me this, she wants me to make the right decision. (That’s not a joke, she does love me to tell me this)
Why must she turn around the past, she must make a step forward.
She says that she wants to be alone, told her that when she needed someone to shoulder her, I was here and now when I love her and want to spend my life with her, she says she no more wants me in her life.
She says that she live with that burden (virginity) the rest of her life.
This might be a problem for me in the future. I might let her on her own, she might regret her life (being pissed off twice, get hurt). I might take this into consideration afterwards, which proves a point but I loved her, not her body, her past.
She won't able to see anyone from that angle.

Why should you live like this, in a way, you're making lots of people suffer.
Her parents and me!
Don’t care about me but what if afterwards your parents notice that you're living your life like hell?
That would give them real pleasure, they're old and they are dependent on you, if they notice that then you'll be dependent on them in a way.
At least if you don't want to spend your life with me, do it for the sake of your parents.

I told her, IF YOU WANT ME IN YOUR LIFE, THEN I'LL STAND BY YOUR SIDE FOR EVER BUT IF YOU DON'T WANT ME, I GO AWAY AND WILL NEVER TURN AROUND THE PAST.

She said, “Will you be able to forget me?”

Asked her,

Did I ever hurt you till now? - NO
Got loads of girls, did I make a move towards them? - NO
Did I ever advised or told you something bad/wrong? – NO
Do you think I’m able to hurt you? - NO

Before leaving for home, she told me that from now on every time I'm going to meet him, you'll think that we're going to have sex.
I told her; don't give him another chance to make use of you. She said, I don't think I'll ever meet him.

She knows me PERFECT, I’m not perfect but willing to be one for her. She knows me, I don't even have such a heart to hurt her.
But the blow that she got from her boyfriend, that's going to take some time to heal. Maybe never trusting me...

What I'm intending to do, is assuring her, and being by her side which I have been doing...

"IF YOU HADN'T BEEN HERE, I WOULD HAVE DIED" these words still echo in my ears.
She told this to her family members, when she was shattered, I was here, like god. And now I'm writing my own fate!!

She's 26 and you expected her to be a virgin?

This all seems extremely eccentric and strange to me. What would her losing her virginity have to do with mental stability? And I wonder how you'd feel if this was your fiancé who was trying to be stolen from someone 8 years younger than you are?

Terry, I am not sure I would believe what she says. Her story seems to get worse when you try to back off. Like she is trying reel you back in where she wants to keep you. Quite frankly, I think she is using your age and lack of mature experience against you.

You can not be responsible for her well-being. As harsh as it sounds, she has to live her own life and deal with her own mistakes. Pulling other people into them is unfair to those people especially since she doesn't seem to want to work on them herself.

You do not want to be involved in a relationship with this woman until she is over (healed from) her current relationship. She needs to find herself and her own self-respect and esteem. She won't if she hops from one relationship to the next.

She has not dealt with her issues enough to be in a healthy relationship with any one at this point. She says she loves you but rejection is her issue. Leave her alone to deal with herself.

No Contact is hard, but if your not willing to do it, then keep suffering, until you have had enough.

Losing virginity is the worst of all, knowing that the person you gave it to, turned his back.

What I can possibly do, is support her, encourage her, maybe she might acceot with time that she loves me too.

If she doesn't want me in her life, I walk away
It's not that easy to leave someone you love off limits half way.
You just can't wake up a very morning and stop loving someone.

Do you see that as a solution?

Terry - you're being played. Wake up man and stop being such a fool! She's screwing with your head.

This woman has some sort of personality disorder - can't you see that everything is about HER? Virginity has nothing to do with this, it is just another of the many lies that she's using to play you.

Her stories change to suit the situation, her moods shift like the breeze - she wants you then she doesn't want you, she's talking to you and pouring her heart out then she's ignoring you, she's making up stories and counter-stories - all in the space of a few hours.

She's an emotional vampire keeping you on strings like a puppet - and you're dancing to her tune - she has you entranced and spellbound just waiting for the next morsel or crumb of attention that she's using to feed your obsession with her.

This woman will never 'realize that she loves you' because she doesn't know how to love - all she wants is your obsession - she's feeding off you to sustain herself.

Once you're sucked dry, maybe you'll understand that you were just a toy for her.

Quote:

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If she doesn't want me in her life, I walk away

---

She doesn't want what you want, you as her romantic partner.

Quote:

---

It's not that easy to leave someone you love off limits half way.

---

Yes it is, when your giving and hoping, and she is just taking.

Quote:

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You just can't wake up a very morning and stop loving someone.

---

Sure you can, when you realize your love is not being returned, but used for her own benefit.

Its up to you how far you will be strung out. You can stop this anytime you chose. The sooner, the better.

Thanks a lot people!!

I really appreciate it..
It's not necessary that the person you love should love you back. That's not called love.
I'm still young, fresh so, buddy take it easy.

I thought a lot about this, asked myself the very question.

Thank you again, you helped me out.

I won't leave her side, I'll just see her from a different angle, friendship, no more emotional talks though we work together as everyone needs a job and it's not that easy to find another job.

(Eve  the one I love)
(Jane  eves so called sister-in-law)

It seems that this game will never end.

Well, I tried to end this so called relationship.
But each time we talked she kept on giving me hopes with her sweet words, talks.

3 weeks ago, I told Eve to meet up. She said she'll let me know by the next day morning. She sent me a text message; she won't be able to meet me as her boyfriend told her to wait for him at the station, Ok!
Didn't tell her a word.
The next day, a Sunday, the same happened, again they met up.

I didn't know what to do.
I boozed a lot, at night her Jane was keeping on calling me, I kept on rejecting her calls but it happened that instead of rejecting her call, I picked it up mistakenly and at that very time I was narrating my whole story to my cousin. She heard it all, I didn't pay too much attention on that as I hadn't taken Eve's name.

The three of us work together.

At night we fought about her meeting up with her boyfriend, well I shouldn't as she's not mine yet. We reconciled hours later.

A week later, we had planned an outing at work. I didn't want t o go as Jane was bringing her brother along, told Eve. She kept on insisting for me to come, told her 'you want me to see you both together' to suffer more. She told me just to wait and watch if she assures me that she might be mine one day or will make me back off her life.
That very day came, indeed she assured me, didn't even walked along with him.

Last week, she told me that she doesn't want to give me any more hopes. That she's not that type of women who's needs a man. I hung up on her.

At night when I went to work, I felt that Jane came to know everything about us; that Eve asked for time to give me answer etc.. My own friends, back stabbed me, they were jealous of me, they told Jane everything they knew. She was then sure of that, every single word she heard from me was about Eve.

Next day, our company held a party , both Eve and Jane couldn't come as they worked on that day.
I switched my cell off because after what Eve told me the previous morning, I thought of playing NC and get over her.
I had missed call alert activated on my cell. She called me over hundred times. Then I didn't know that her boyfriend came to know everything.

Sunday... Eve's uncle called me and told me that she loves me, and is willing to do everything to be with me, I was relieved at last.
But when I called her, I came to know the whole story, her boyfriend came to know everything, she cried at lot. He had called at her place and told her mother that she was cheating on her him, blamed her whole family and all that stuff.

At times she tells me that she needs to prove him her innocence and get over him and at times to prove him and get married with him. Everyone at work came to know about us.

She tells me at times that everything lies in my hand.. What exactly does she want me to do??

What is she taking me for?

How do I get over her?
Make her feel what she did to me, she played with me!!

She didn't ate since last Saturday, she fell unconscious on Monday at work and yesterday as well. She's been admitted to the city hospital. She called me several times, asked her about her health.
She got discharged today, there was no one available to pick her up, as she lives far away the hospital.

Her boyfriend called her, told her that he will pick her up. And she's telling me that.

Oh girl! What have you taken me for??
You've got your man, so just back off my life.
That's not that easy for me to back off so??

Please I feel confused, played..

Quote:

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Quote by Terry MJ Carter;
How do I get over her?
Make her feel what she did to me, she played with me!!

---

First, you don't try to make her feel anything. She played you only as much as you let her. Read over this thread and you can see that you virtually played yourself.

Second, you go No Contact as much as you can considering you work in the same place. No more phone calls (cell or land-line), no more texts, no emails, no snail mail, absolutely no Facebook or MySpace or any other way that you can think of to have any contact with her outside of work. At work, only talk to her when you have to and then only about work. Nothing personal. Be polite but distant. You are co-workers and that is all.

Third, I sincerely hope that you can keep NC for your own peace of mind and healing. Give yourself what resources you need to keep busy mentally and physically. Allow yourself to let her go.

It won't be easy and it will hurt but DON'T allow yourself to try to bury the pain in a bottle. Alcohol and healing don't mix. It can make you do unwise things like answering a call instead of ignoring it and the hangover doesn't help anything.

Someday, when you are over her and you have tossed out the baggage you packed during this relationship, you will meet someone who is there for you and wants to build a relationship and life with you.

You need some serious healing and NC to do ASAP. You're doing horribly, cut all contact and move on.

OMG Terry. You're being SO played.

We've told you this all along, but you only seem to be able to think with that thing between your legs - at least that's where your brains seem to have gone.

WHY are you involved in this drama? Now her family and your entire workplace have got involved. (Why is her uncle ringing your for F's sake!) Can't you see she loves it? Can't you see she's enacting this 'Greek tragedy' all for your benefit (and probably her long suffering BF)? It's spinning out of control.

You know I call a spade a spade. At this point in time I think you need professional help to unravel this, and you need to leave this workplace. Go speak to a counselor. You do hold the power to stop this in your hand and you must take it.

She won't leave her BF, but she will leave you with a gaping hole where your heart is.

Thanks people..

I called her yesterday, told her to stop calling me.
It's really painful for me to forget her, I don't it to be more painful.
Her man loves her and she does too. I don't want to be involved in.
I need to fight back my emotions, feelings all because I'm not supposed to love her anymore.

She sent me a text in the morning 'Thanks for everything, I need to fight not you. Forgive me for all'

Yeah indeed I did loads for her, much more than her boyfriend.

Please if you have any more advices...
It's hard but I need to...

You concentrate on doing things you like and that make you happy and contented. Keep busy,see friends,go to the gym-and stay as NC as you possibly can. And tell yourself that every day is another step towards complete healing.

It's the part where it's going to hurt but where you take your life back into your own hands.

There is a world out there, go out, go the gym everyday, new hobbies... Be patient though it takes time to get over someone.

Something I did once that might help.

When faced with letting go, and moving on, it isn't easy as you have found out, but there is more than one way to do this. At least something to set a foundation to make it easier.

I had a similar situation and found it very hard to not love the person on one hand, while all the evidence was staring me in the face. It was like two different situations happening at the same time, and both realities were crashing into each other.

Take some quiet time for yourself. No TV, no radio, just total peace and quiet. Get out some paper and pens, and write a farewell. Write about the beginning of the relationship, all the good times, funny times, things that really stand out. The hardships and what you overcame together when life threw curveballs your way. Write about the end of the relationship, and how it hurt you so deeply, and why, and if you're angry, write that out too and be specific, hurl the insults, don't hold back. You may be writing for a very long time. Put the coffee on.

When you are done, read it over, set it aside, and go back to it the next day, and read it again. This is your life you are putting down on paper, and you are the only one who is going to own every single word.

Then, put it in the kitchen sink, light a match to it, and burn it.

For me, I felt 150% better, and had a new mindset that wasn't based on emotion, but based on fact. It helped to settle the idea, with reasons and words, why it was over; things seemed to solidify, and emotions aren't all over the place anymore. What you will do essentially, is provide your own answers, and create a path out of where you are now.

Today I sat, thought about all.
How much I suffered and all.
All these advices, support you've given me people were more than someone could have expected.

I am the only one to be blamed, not her.. Shouldn't have loved her.

Below are some post that NOW I realise were the facts that I needed to realise, to be conscious of. All of you have been soooo helpful, thanks at lot.

Cat1864
Sep 27, 2009

Terry, I am not sure I would believe what she says. Her story seems to get worse when you try to back off. Like she is trying reel you back in where she wants to keep you. Quite frankly, I think she is using your age and lack of mature experience against you.

You can not be responsible for her well-being. As harsh as it sounds, she has to live her own life and deal with her own mistakes. Pulling other people into them is unfair to those people especially since she doesn't seem to want to work on them herself.

You do not want to be involved in a relationship with this woman until she is over (healed from) her current relationship. She needs to find herself and her own self-respect and esteem. She won't if she hops from one relationship to the next.

Gemini54
Sep 29, 2009

Terry - you're being played. Wake up man and stop being such a fool! She's screwing with your head.

This woman has some sort of personality disorder - can't you see that everything is about HER? Virginity has nothing to do with this, it is just another of the many lies that she's using to play you.

Her stories change to suit the situation, her moods shift like the breeze - she wants you then she doesn't want you, she's talking to you and pouring her heart out then she's ignoring you, she's making up stories and counter-stories - all in the space of a few hours.

She's an emotional vampire keeping you on strings like a puppet - and you're dancing to her tune - she has you entranced and spellbound just waiting for the next morsel or crumb of attention that she's using to feed your obsession with her.

This woman will never 'realize that she loves you' because she doesn't know how to love - all she wants is your obsession - she's feeding off you to sustain herself.

Once you're sucked dry, maybe you'll understand that you were just a toy for her.

You've reached the state of insight which is great you can only move on and heal now-dont blame yourself,you loved unwisely as it turned out, but you know you have the capacity to love when you meet the right woman.

My heart melt.
Last Thursday I told her that I'll date brunette at work maybe that will help her on her side to fight these talks going on at work, she said yeah!
She called me minutes ago, she was talking to me as if nothing ever happened. She told me that he boyfriend and her FUTURE MOTHER-IN-LAW told her to her to come at his place on Tuesday to clear the misunderstandings perhaps etc, and she's going to call me a last time to let me know what happened.. She was keeping on asking me what I told that girl she was ready to date me in one day's time. I not those kind of guys to date any kind of girls (as till now I ignored all the girls for her, to get her love). Stating that my behavior changed, I'm talking to her rudely etc. 'i need to change, live for myself now' smashed that on her face! Again with her sweet talks she told me 'I told you to quit smoking, won't you quit it?', because I did told her once that I quit smoking for her sake but now that doesn't really matter!
Told her that the reason I told you to stop calling is that I don't want to get hurt more I want to erase you and everything thing that will reminds me of you from my life..
She was bouncing me on every time I told her this. You love your man and he does too so, go ahead girl, wish you all prosperity and all that stuffs. Again she bounced on me, then she hung up, again she called me, she told me not do and say anything that will worsen things for her when I going to meet that girl later on today as she's her sister-in-law's best friend, that why she called again. Told her the same, she was kind of irritated each time I said this to her. Told me that I encouraged her till now to fight, to remove that tag on US and now I'm backing off, I'm not the only one who got hurt. I don't care what people say, see me as because I'll be quitting this job soon. I told her 'what do you want me to do, I don't want to get hurt more'. Kept on telling her all that stuffs, she said she shouldn't have even called me. Yeah you shouldn't ! That's the last time. She told me 'what you going to do when you face me at work, you're going to turn your face? ', told her if it needs to be done then yeah. She was yelling over me and before she hung up on my face again, I told her, the least I expected is that one day you will tell me that you love me too. 'you know it's impossible Terry' that's what she told me.. It broke me. But I felt relieved, it's all going good.
She only used me, played me as much I did let her but now IT'S ALL OVER DUDE, that's what I told myself.
Courage, courage all I need, I need to be a stone hearted man now..
Now she feels it, how much it hurts.

But still I need... to overcome all these...

Terry-dont pick up if she calls you again. She's a witch-and now she feels deprived of her toy. Avoid her at work-and I hope you ll be leaving there real soon so you can start complete NC.
Good luck.

Terry, it isn't going to be easy and you're going to feel like you're on an emotional roller coaster from a horror flick, but you can get through this and heal. Give yourself time and work on those resources that help keep you strong and the down moments will even out.

I hope you have given up the idea of 'dating the brunette at work' for any reason. You don't need more drama at work and you don't want to use the other woman as a tool to help the Drama Queen (DQ) or to get over her. Not fair to either of you.

As has been said, No Contact in any form or fashion that includes answering her calls. If she calls, ignore her if you recognize the number or, if she uses an unknown number, feel free to hang up on her. You have told her not to contact you so she can expect rudeness if she is going to be rude and call you. At work is the only place that you have to be polite and talk to her only for purposes of getting the job done. Don't even think about protecting her in any way. She isn't.

Good luck on leaving this job and getting a new one. I think that may be one of your better moves so far.

Cat is right about dating the brunette at work, don't do it. You know where it will lead, and that is straight down the drama path to the school of, I Should Not Have Done That, where you will be repeating classes on, How To Let The Ex Go, 101.

While you keep this continuous ball of emotions going with the woman who is now engaged and clearly into it, you have not yet realized that she is no longer available, even if she doesn't get it herself. She chooses to keep playing you, and you keep jumping.

Not to mention that dating the brunette is using her to get at the other one. That is not fair to the brunette, and you know darn well that that tactic is going to keep the toxic ball rolling and rolling along.

Your displaced anger on the one you really want, is innapropriate. If you need to 'show her' that you are 'over' her, actions speak louder than words. By your actions, clearly this whole thing is to get her goat. And for what purpose- revenge? To get her back? To make you feel better?

You have to sever the connection- permanently, both physically with all the drama on the phone, and emotionally, by finding other ways to deal with your emotions. Get out there, get to the gym, do something useful with your time and energy.

Terry, you've got some really, really good advice on this site. In order for you to move on - and you must if you want to heal, grow and learn from this experience - you need to focus on applying some of the advice to your relationship with the vampire.

I suggest that as much as possible, you need to focus on the process of going no contact:

1. Stop speaking to her and justifying your actions. No calls, no texts, no emails, no smoke signals, no carrier pigeons. Write a list of all the reasons the vampire's NOT good for you and keep a copy on your desk at work and near the phone at home.

2. No meetings or interactions with the vampire (if you can help it). You need to change your job, start the process of doing this, start looking for work and talking to your networks about it.

3. Don't ask, don't tell. Ask your friends, and work associates not to tell you news of the vampire or act as her intermediary. Explain that you prefer not to hear about her. Tell them that for the time being, you don't want to know what the vampire's doing, when the wedding is, or what her Facebook status is, etc.

4. Don't bait the vampire about who you're going out with or not. And, don't date 'the brunette' at work. Firstly it's disrespectful to the poor brunette (she's doesn't even have a name!) and secondly you're setting yourself up again by trying to get back at the vampire.

5. The eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. Pack away photos, gifts, notes, etc. that remind you of the vampire - burn them.

6. Get a new job and delete the vampire from your life. Delete her name and number from your phones. Delete her email addresses. Delete her from MySpace, Facebook, and every other website on which you're currently connected. Block her incoming numbers, texts and emails. Block any of her family's numbers. Do not answer calls from unknown or private callers.

7. Avoid alcohol and other inhibition reducing substances. Drinking and dialing is generally always a big mistake. You don't want to let the vampire back into your thoughts because you had one too many beers.

8. Reconnect with yourself, your family, your friends and your life. Get in touch with the people you weren't seeing because you were so obsessed with the vampire. Start doing the things you used to enjoy. Pursue your interests again. Make a commitment to exercise/working out.

The goal is to stop this obsessive relationship and focus on making yourself healthy and strong in body, spirit and mind. If you need to, print out all of the posts on this thread, keep them near you bed - read them before you got to bed at night to reinforce to yourself the absolute necessity to break the unhealthy nexus between yourself and the vampire.

Thanks at lot Jake, Cat, amicon, paxe, taliman, Gemini and all.. All your advices have been of great help. You've shouldered me a lot during these past months.
That's the least that anyone would have expected, a dead came alive. So much courage, I only lack words. I don't care what her reaction might be, how she'd feel as till now she didn't care for me, did for me.
Her sweet talks, thoughts still hurt me a lot, but I need to move on. It's going to hurt but when I'm healed I'll tell myself 'how could you be so stupid Terry'. That's true..

Thank you again..

Hi people...
I left the job but I didn't go nc with her...
We fought several times after this...
I've got cancer, she was the first person I looked for but ineeded to plead her only to talk to her for afew moments.. it was on new year's eve...

on the 5th of Jnuary I lef the company as my health was deteriorating...

I met her 3 days later, we had sex that day but still she wouldn't want to hold ma hand...

Her father got admitted to the city mental asylum.. both her and her momma told me to come along with them to see him.. I went... her father was looking for her ex... he calls her everyday to enquire about her father..

U know the rest of the story.. again I pleaded her to hold m hand forever...

BLA BLA BLA...

Today my photos got approved.. I'm posing for Armani Jeans...

called her to announce the good news but in her talks oi asked her if her ex still calls her... she said yeah..

asked her if she calls him too..
she said yeah at times yeah I do call him... (without any particular reason)

Why should you call him when your father already got discharged..

OMG.. I don't know..
I sent her a text telling her all that stuffs; I loved u valued you bla bla bla...

man now really I feel like I don't need her... she only cares for herself...
she a real witch!!

I am glad that life for the most part seems to be going well for you. Good luck in the new job. :)

Terry, I am sorry to hear about your cancer. I wish you the best with your battle, stay strong. It is important that you keep your mind strong and your body strong... which is all the reason to leave the drama behind. Concentrate on you

Terry, you've already got so many challenges in your life.

Why do you keep going back to this toxicity that you don't need?

Let her go - I can absolutely assure you that your life will be much, much better without her in it, or her in your thoughts.

Focus on what sounds like a very promising career.

Take care, and be kind to yourself.