Hi Chuff,

Well, that's kind of true, I had 2 girlfriends before her but only lasted a couple of months, no real feelings for them.

So in these terms, I would say, she was my first real girlfriend and experienced real feelings for, so I suppose yuou could say she was my first because I never felt for anyone else in this way.

I used to work out a lot before I met her, used to run, weight lift, I even ran the London Marathon in the U.K. Fit as hell because I was single for years but not necessarily unhappy with that...

I kind of lost my appetite for fitness while I was with her and I think our lives revolved too much around each other.

She never worked out in the relationship or before it.. She was too lazy although I suggested we could both do this together.

Thanks for your advice..

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I kind of lost my appetite for fitness while I was with her and I think our lives revolved too much around each other.

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I think you know what it is you must do.

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

Hi Chuff,

Well, thats kind of true, I had 2 girlfriends before her but only lasted a couple of months, no real feelings for them.

So in these terms, I would say, she was my first real girlfriend and experienced real feelings for, so I suppose yuou could say she was my first because I never felt for anyone else in this way.

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I kind of senced that. You've got to realize what your going through is perfectly normal. Your feeling a loss but it's something you can and will overcome. You have to be strong and start looking to the future and not the past.

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

I used to work out a lot before I met her, used to run, weight lift, I even ran the London Marathon in the U.K. Fit as hell because I was single for years but not necessarily unhappy with that....

I kind of lost my appetite for fitness while I was with her and I think our lives revolved too much around each other.

Thanks for your advice..

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Then this is one of the many steps you can take to get your life back. Try what I said in my last post. Hit the stairmaster, treadmill (if you can, personally they give me shin splints), or the ellipitical machines and just go. Just go until you can't go anymore. Stop, get some water, take a break and go again. Trust me you'll forget about her for awhile. Plus you'll be doing something for yourself. It's a win/win situation.

We did argue a lot in the relationship, more so in the months leading up to the breakup but we always made up and most couples argue after the honeymoon period.

My biggest regret so far was crying in front of her when I went to see her 5 days after she phoned me up to tell me she wanted to finish it. She would not tell me to my face, but I rang her and said I need to see it from her face. I could not help crying though and I could see she was almost ready to breakdown into tears but was stronger. I think she had a big headstart on me in the grieving process, perhaps months, not sure but there were signs like when she said, I wish I was single again.

Even though she said to me in an e-mail, "I have moved on with someone, I suggest you do the same" I don't really think she wants to be in a relationship with anyone. Her mum told me that this was not true and that she said this to hurt me, push me away. The e-mail contact was in week 4 because she owed me money.

I think it is more likely that she is seeing different men, either dating and intimately because she always said, I wonder what it would be like with another man because I was her first so she never had the opportunity to experiment. I don't believe she is with one man in a new relationship but I guess that this is none of my business anyway.

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

She never worked out in the relationship or before it..She was too lazy although I suggested we could both do this together.

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I just realised how funny that sounded.. LOL

I haven't laughed in weeks!

Well first let me say I think you've igorned the last couple posts by Tal and myself. You taking steps backwards not forward. None of this post has anything to do with you stopping this problem you have of beating yourself up. I'm not trying to discourage from writing it out and posting because if it gets some of the pain out than do it. But you've got to quit thinking so much of the past and start thinking about yourself, your future, and your own happiness.

All that being said I want to point out some things for you and if you ever get in this situation again.

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

My biggest regret so far was crying in front of her when I went to see her 5 days after she phoned me up to tell me she wanted to finish it. She would not tell me to my face, but I rang her and said I need to see it from her face. I could not help crying though and I could see she was almost ready to breakdown into tears but was stronger.

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By doing this you gave her a lot of power and only confirmed to her that she could have you at any time. It sounds backwards to logic, and while... it is, but if she breaks up with you, you must start pulling away. Easier said then done for sure but by going to her and crying in front of her it lets her know that she has the power and is in complete control of you and this situation.

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

I think she had a big headstart on me in the grieving process, perhaps months, not sure but there were signs like when she said, I wish I was single again.

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She sure did have a head start with the grieving process. She knew months in advance that this was not going to last. You even point out yourself that she made comments to you about how she wished she could experiment with other guys. The breakup was already going through her mind at that point. She was laying the groudwork and also giving herself an excuse to get out of this relationship. She may have even been putting "feelers" out to other guys that she was interested around that time.

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

Even though she said to me in an e-mail, "I have moved on with someone, I suggest you do the same" I don't really think she wants to be in a relationship with anyone. Her mum told me that this was not true and that she said this to hurt me, push me away. The e-mail contact was in week 4 because she owed me money.

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First, quit listening to her mom. Her is either
a. lying to you to protect her daughter
b. doesn't have a clue what her daughter is doing.

Second going to her mom and asking about her about you ex only makes you look desperate and needy. It only continues to establish that you ex can have you and control you at any time.

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

I think it is more likely that she is seeing different men, either dating and intimately because she always said, I wonder what it would be like with another man because I was her first so she never had the opportunity to experiment. I don't believe she is with one man in a new relationship but I guess that this is none of my business anyway.

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I hate to be brutal but you have got to start thinking about you. Who cares what she's doing. Quit contacting her and her family and her friends. You've got to completely remove yourself from this core group of people.

Also go get that gym membership I told you about or just start walking around the neighborhood.

Thanks Chuff,

I'm sorry if you think I am being ignorant by not listening to your advice, I really do understand what I need to do from your advice, it just take strength and I have got to find that strength now, stop dweling on the past.

One thing though, can I ask when you said, don't listen to her mum, she is either lying to protect her daughter, what did you mean? I would never hurt my ex in any way even if she was with someone else. She does not need protecting..

I really appreciate your help with all this chuff..

Hi there,
Just read your thread... totally agree with the others... no contact for you. She's young 20, she needs to see others at this stage and then when she meets one jerk after another she will begin to see what she missed, a nice guy who loved her and wanted to marry her. So for you for sure do not contact her . Let her wonder and wonder...
I am sure she will be in contact. But when she does let her think you are completely fine and over the breakup,bey bsuy and mysterious, that will get her begging to come back.

Sorry to hear about your heartbreak, Geoffersonairplane. No one, and I mean NO ONE, is worth the heartache or tears if they won't so much as give you the time of day. If she were worth it dear, she would still be with you instead of using a mere few days to end what the two of you had, then having the audacity to hint at asking for 'time off'.

That's so much bull, you did the right thing; if she wanted time, she should have purchased a watch.

I hope you are doing all right, just keep your head up.

chuff-Had to spread it, but I thought you were so right on the money. A complete life makeover is needed and instead of dwelling on the ex an eye to the future with plenty of positive action is what this poster needs. Great job.
Goef-Forget about what her friends and family says, you where there and you know the truth. The no-contact applies to all of them also. Get about doing the things that make you happy without her and as hard as it is leave the past where it is. This is what we all have to deal with after the shock of an intense relationship that suddenly (for you anyway) stops. She had a huge headstart that you would have sensed and acted on, if you where not so deeply distracted. It will get better.

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

Thanks Chuff,

I'm sorry if you think I am being ignorant by not listening to your advice,

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I in NO way think you are ignorant. I think your in pain. Your doing the right things though. Your seeking out help, and for the most part you listening to it. If you don't understand it your asking questions. I've been where you've been. I know it sucks but I'm telling you that I've gotten over it and you can too... and you will. You just have to give yourself permission to do that and quit beating yourself up.

Geoff people come to this message board all the time ask for advice similar to yours and when the answer comes back from multiple people that they need to stay away from the ex they ignore it thinking were all nuts. Then the problem either gets worse and you never here from them again or they come back and actually wonder why it got worse. That's ignorant! You at least searching. Your trying some new approaches to this problem. You're the best kind of person to offer help too. Your not ignoring us or so far go that you think we are all out to get you. Believe me, I realize you don't recognize this now but you've come a long way and you've made some positive steps. In time you'll look back and be happy she's gone.

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

I really do understand what I need to do from your advice, it just take strength and I have got to find that strength now, stop dweling on the past.

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You've got the strength. The question is do you want to use it or do you want to continue beating yourself up. Trust me on this though, if you don't believe anything else I tell you, believe this.. You've got the strength.

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

One thing though, can I ask when you said, don't listen to her mum, she is either lying to protect her daughter, what did you mean?? I would never hurt my ex in any way even if she was with someone else. She does not need protecting..

I really appreciate your help with all this chuff..

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Great question. I'm sure that you wouldn't hurt her. But look at it from her mom's point of view. You keep asking questions about her daughter and it's obvious that your not emotionally "well." Her mom has never seen you like this. It's probably somewhat scary for her to see you so upset and furthermore continue to ask and talk about the one person who just happens to be her child. On top of that, the questions your asking her mom have to do with who your ex is dating. Her mom is going to tell you whatever you want to hear. Truth is, I don't blame her. I'd do the same thing. It's none of your business at this point, and the truth it's not going to help you. So quit asking. In fact quit talking to her.

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Originally Posted by chuff

Great question. I'm sure that you wouldn't hurt her. But look at it from her mom's point of view. You keep asking questions about her daughter and it's obvious that your not emotionally "well." Her mom has never seen you like this. It's probably somewhat scary for her to see you so upset and furthermore continue to ask and talk about the one person who just happens to be her child. On top of that, the questions your asking her mom have to do with who your ex is dating. Her mom is going to tell you whatever you want to hear. Truth is, I don't blame her. I'd do the same thing. It's none of your business at this point, and the truth it's not going to help you. So quit asking. In fact quit talking to her.

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Thanks for all your support here Chuff, went for a run today, just thinking about what you said about trying to get into fitness, working on me or at least starting to.

I don't want to analyse this too much but any contact I have had with her mum has purely been related to money owed to me by my ex (quite a bit at that) and also a reference request that I had to get permission for, for a job I applied for before we split, so it was all not related to my ex. The only thing I said in the conversation was how is she, is she o.k. and she would then move on to saying that she was still going out with friends, not seeing anyone and then saying she would not lie to me, even though I would not react to it, I would basically respond by saying "well it's none of my business if she was since we have finished".

I mean, it is possible Chuff that she is still doing this because she may be thinking that I contacted her to get this information but that is simply not true and it hurts for me to think that her mum would think that I am that unstable to hurt her daughter in any way... But like you say, looking at it from her point of view, she HAS NEVER seen me this emotionally upset before so how can she be sure.. It is mother's natural protective streak.
I really could not hurt a fly, well I tell a lie, I did hurt a fly once, but that was his fault, it did not stay off my food.. LOL.

This is why I am going to keep well away anyway, there is no need for me to speak to any of them anymore! And I have not spoke to her mum for weeks.

I think by the time (IF THAT COMES) my ex regrets the decision, I will have moved on with a better life!

Actually Chuff,

You are right, none of this is helping me, now I am trying to dwell on what her mum might think of me..

In reality, it does not matter since I am not part of their lives anymore, so what does it matter.

It's all about me now, and me only! I am completely detached from this situation anyway.

Furthermore, my realisation is that I was the one that was wronged and therefore I can pull away knowing that I did the best I could to make it all work out but there were too many things against the relationship.

A positive is that I am learning things I had my eyes closed to before..

I'm going to go for another run tomorrow, and look into joining a gym again next month.. Need to warm up a bit! (Been a while)

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

Thanks for all your support here Chuff, went for a run today, just thinking about what you said about trying to get into fitness, working on me or at least starting to.

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Great. Run twice a day if you have too. I'm telling you at the very beginning or when ever your feeling depressed just drive yourself to exaustion. It will completely make you forget everything else going on in your life and it's also good for you.

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

I don't want to analyse this too much but any contact I have had with her mum has purely been related to money owed to me by my ex (quite a bit at that) and also a reference request that I had to get permission for, for a job I applied for before we split, so it was all not related to my ex. The only thing I said in the conversation was how is she, is she o.k. and she would then move on to saying that she was still going out with friends, not seeing anyone and then saying she would not lie to me, even though I would not react to it, I would basically respond by saying "well it's none of my business if she was since we have finished".

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Why is it her mom's responsibility to pay for money owed by your ex? It still shows weakness when you bring up your ex to her mom. If her mom brought up your ex you should still change the subject. The very fact that her mom says "I would not lie to you" is your first clue that she's lying to you. You have to take control of the conversation with her.

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

I mean, it is possible Chuff that she is still doing this because she may be thinking that I contacted her to get this information but that is simply not true and it hurts for me to think that her mum would think that I am that unstable to hurt her daughter in any way...

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Dude. Seriously, now you sound like your upset because of the break up with the mother. You have created this fantasy land where everything was perfect. She may be a great woman but she's not perfect and she's not even your ex. She's your ex's mother. I'll say it again, STOP TALKING TO THESE PEOPLE. Your ex. Your ex's mother. Your ex's friends. Your ex's dog. Anything your ex please remove yourself from now.

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

But like you say, looking at it from her point of view, she HAS NEVER seen me this emotionally upset before so how can she be sure..It is mother's natural protective streak. I really could not hurt a fly, well I tell a lie, I did hurt a fly once, but that was his fault, it did not stay off my food..LOL.

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Actually you are hurting someone. The most important person in your life, yourself. You just continue to beat yourself up and make yourself the victim over and over. The break up was bad enough but then you keep punishing yourself. STOP IT!!

Ok you got dumped. No question she gave up a compassionate, caring person. That's her loss. If she want's someone that is not that good for her. I've got think there's a compassionate, caring person somewhere in that would appreciate you. Even if there isn't that doesn't give you the right to beat yourself up like this.

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

This is why I am going to keep well away anyway, there is no need for me to speak to any of them anymore!! and I have not spoke to her mum for weeks.

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Good, now don't speak to her again. Ever.

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

I think by the time (IF THAT COMES) my ex regrets the decision, I will have moved on with a better life!

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Good and while your moving on with your life forget about what she regrets because it isn't going to help you.

Thanks Chuff!!

I want to say that I appreciate everyone's advice, and the advice I have got from you chuff over the last couple of days really has opened my eyes and I WON'T ignore it for my own sake...

I have no further questions for now as I believe everyone has said as much as is needed for me to help myself recover and progress so I will therefore keep you ALL posted on my progress.

Thanks Again guys and gals..

Geoff..

Hi,

No dreams about her last night.. At least none that I remember, that is the first time in 9 weeks. That must be a sign that I am making some progress, not thinking too much about her.

Sometimes I wish I could meet a new woman now and just forget about her but I know that this is foolish and would be a rebound. I am not ready to start any kind of relationship until I am fully over this.

One question though? Perhaps I should not be asking this on here because tal and chuff have already told me this is backwards thinking but I just need to ask it.

I know that she is going out, having fun, with her friends e.t.c. e.t.c. if she were to be with someone else at this point, would that be classed as a rebound?

Does it really matter? This is my 2 steps back again I think, wondering what she is doing, who she is with...

Yes would most possible be a rebound. And it would be good for her actually , it might wake her up to see what she lost as there are sooo many jerks out there.
Yeah don't think of her , and don't think of a new woman yet, good to focus on yourself and heal from this one.

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

Hi,

No dreams about her last night..At least none that I remember, that is the first time in 9 weeks. That must be a sign that I am making some progress, not thinking to much about her.

Sometimes I wish I could meet a new woman now and just forget about her but I know that this is foolish and would be a rebound. I am not ready to start any kind of relationship until I am fully over this.

One question though? Perhaps I should not be asking this on here because tal and chuff have already told me this is backwards thinking but I just need to ask it.

I know that she is going out, having fun, with her friends e.t.c. e.t.c. if she were to be with someone else at this point, would that be classed as a rebound??

Does it really matter? This is my 2 steps back again I think, wondering what she is doing, who she is with...

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Actually you ask a very good question. First remember that when break-ups occur, the person that initiates the break-up has such a head start in the healing game that they are not in the same same shock you are and have had a lot more time to accept this break-up and move on. Many times they have not invested emotionally the way you have either and are actually glad to be free of you, and have been looking around for some time. They don't have the emotional baggage that you carry and while you grieve, they are well down the road to the next relationship. In most cases, not all, they have nothing to heal from, since they're hearts weren't ripped out and their minds were made up already. Hope this puts things in better perspective for you.

Ouch!! That hit a nerve tal..

But I need to accept that what you have said there is very true indeed..

Just have to keep telling myself to let go...

I agree 100% with Tal. So much in fact I was going to spread some reputation but for some reason this website limits that to folks who provide consistent good advice. But I digress...

Geoff, you ex knew this relationship was over long before you did. She knew it was over while she was still in it with you. Just going by some of the things you wrote it appears she knew it at least 6 months ago if not longer.

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Originally Posted by chuff

I agree 100% with Tal. So much in fact I was going to spread some reputation but for some reason this website limits that to folks who provide consistent good advice. But I digress...

Geoff, you ex knew this relationship was over long before you did. She knew it was over while she was still in it with you. Just going by some of the things you wrote it appears she knew it at least 6 months ago if not longer.

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Sorry to keep going over this Chuff but why if this was the case, why did she not end it sooner?

I know that must be a hard question for you to answer because you don't know what is going on in her mind but why string me along like that..

But I don't disagree with you, the idea was growing in her brain... but the thing that hurts in reflecting on this is that she told me she loved me even a couple of weeks before and yet when I questioned her about why she said this 5 days after the breakup, she said she was just being two faced.

I know I should not be doing this to myself but I can't help it, I've done what you said, been out running, trying to get it all together... I think it is just a matter of time.

I think what is making it harder for me is that I am out of work at the moment, retraining so I have more time to fill...

She didn't end it sooner because although they know it is over and have in most cases been thinking about it for a while it still takes a lot of courage to do it.
My ex was thinking about it for a month or so before hand and it wasn't until I finally caught on that something was wrong and approached her that she came clean.

She told me she was scared and wanted to fight the feelings she was feeling because she had always until just recently wanted to spend her entire life with me. She still wanted to but the feeling she felt were there and not going away.

It isn't stringing you along. I really think they do it because they did truly love you and although they don't anymore they still care about you and don't want to see you hurt. It is a tough thing for them to do. It is tougher on us but still I'm sure isn't a pleasant experience for them!

Look man, I know the pain you are going through only too well. It still cuts me up a little but I'm getting much better. Once I really and truly accepted it was over I began to get better.

Correct me if I am wrong but I can see in your posts that you want to be told she might come back? You want to hang onto the thought that if you don't contact her and do all the things we tell you here that she will come running back.
I thought the same.

You know what? It doesn't. She is gone.

All this no contact, running, hanging with friends, reflection etc isn't to be done with the thought in the back of your mind that it will bring her back. I know for a while that is what drove me to do it.

Not good. Your driving factor to do all this should be about you. Realising it is what is best for you.

Your going OK. It is hard and you will have so many ups and downs that at times you will think you are gong mad. But just keep moving forward slowly and will get better!

Keep offering your great advice here too. That will help you more than you realise!

You know what Skell,

There is no need for me to correct you! Because you are right on the money...

I have been thinking irrationally in this way and it's not like me to do this.

To be perfectly honest, if I were viewing this from an outsiders perspective, I really don't think she will ever be back.

I am capable of letting go, I think I just need more time, I don't think 9 weeks is enough yet but I will get there!

I seem to be giving good advice to others but struggling a little with my own! Normal I guess.

How long has it been fore you Skell?

You sound quite emotionally well and clear headed (with respect)..

Your spot on mate. 9 weeks is no time. No time at all.

There is no limit but I do know that after 9 weeks there was still a lot of confusion and fear for me. In fact all the feelings I see you feeling in your posts I felt as well. That is why I could so easily recognise it. As I'm sure others here could too.

I gave good advice to others as well but struggled with my own. In fact I still do at times. Not much but every now and then I find myself slipping and think to myself "hang on a minute, your preaching such and such to others yet here you are not doing it yourself".

At least you are recognising that! That is good. It means you can think and look at yourself in a critical perspective.

I suppose I am thinking a lot more rationally and clear headed now. But that took along time and many many ups and downs. Trust me. You are going to go through lots of feelings and more pain. It is how you deal with those ups and downs which is important.

It has now been about 7 months for me out of a 7 year relationship. And a very good relationship might I add with a wonderful person. We went through a lot and trust me, it cut me up bad. And I mean real bad. It still does at times (just not as much).

When she first told me I lost it. I was an absolute emotional wreck. Cried all day and all night. I locked myself in my office at work and just cried. I would wake at 2 in the morning that anxious and alone that I would have to put my runners on and go for a run because the only time I felt comfortable alone was when I was running.

I would go to places out and about knowing I would probably run into her and I would beg and plead. Yuck. Argh I get mad at myself just thinking about it. I also wish I had found this place sooner to help me and listen to the great advice.

That is just the beginning. I was a mess and did a lot of things I really really regret. In fact the things I did probably pushed her away for ever even as a friend. But I have to deal with that and learn. Which is what I have done.

Thanks for asking me though. It has given me a chance to vent again. Which I haven't done for a while. I feel much better.

But please go back and read my past threads and how I was. And also feel free to PM me anytime if you want to ask something. I am far form and expert but I just know from RECENT experience what you are going through and if I can help you learn form my mistakes then I will be more than happy!

Sorry everyone for the long post. I just started and it kept on coming!

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

Sorry to keep going over this Chuff but why if this was the case, why did she not end it sooner?

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She didn't end it sooner because she slowly cut you off and/or out of her life. She knew this relationship was over while she was still dating you. Just by reading some of your posts I'm guessing she knew it was over as far back as 6 months ago. When she started talking about what she's missed and that she wished she met you later in life she had already decided it was over. At that point she was laying the groundwork and giving herself reasons to justify what she was planning on doing as far as ending this relationship.

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

I know that must be a hard question for you to answer because you don't know what is going on in her mind but why string me along like that...?

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Well believe it or not it's not that hard to answer. If you look at her from the perspective of how human beings behave instead of looking at her from the perspective of you ex girlfriend it makes perfect sense what she did. She strung you along to protect herself. From what you write and the statements she made, it sounds like she determined along time before she told you that this relationship was over. I bet she even put “feelers” out to people to see if there was any interest in dating her.

In other words she slowly turned you off emotionally as opposed to just end it and suffer any emotional loss. To put it bluntly she played you.

No matter what you tell yourself about how great a person she is, she knew exactly what she was doing. I think that is one of the worst things to face after being dumped. You would never have done that to somebody else, much less the person you loved, yet they had no problem doing it to you, and worse yet they do it on purpose. You know as I go back and think about some of the times I've been dumped it makes perfect sense, and I should have seen it coming if I'd just opened my eyes to all the signs. But I, like you, am a very emotional person so it's hard to think with your head and not your heart when you're in the middle of the relationship.

Another issue you're facing is that this is the first time this has happened to you. This cannot be overlooked. I hate to say this because it sounds so …. Um….. strange perhaps but getting dumped gets easier after it happens a couple times. The thing you need to do is focus on the future. In 6 months or year or at some point you will look back with a clear head and realize yourself all the signs you missed and then hopefully become a better person for it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

but I don't disagree with you, the idea was growing in her brain... but the thing that hurts in reflecting on this is that she told me she loved me even a couple of weeks before and yet when I questioned her about why she said this 5 days after the breakup, she said she was just being two faced.

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She said that because it makes it sound like she's taking the blame and putting herself down while you question yourself and not her. And what have you been doing?

Again, she did it on purpose with full knowledge of the result that would happen. It doesn't help when you continue talking to her mom or her friends or her because it only reinforces that she's got you right where she wants you.

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

I know I should not be doing this to myself but I can't help it, I've done what you said, been out running, trying to get it all together...I think it is just a matter of time.

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Time is a big factor, absolutely. Try running twice a day. Perhaps if you have the means take a vacation for the weekend. If not, go to a nature trail and wonder around there for a day. I don't drink a lot but maybe just getting out to a bar this weekend as something different would be a good idea. What I'm saying is try putting some new things, places, ideas, people, and surroundings in your head.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

I think what is making it harder for me is that I am out of work at the moment, retraining so I have more time to fill...

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Can you get a part time job perhaps? It doesn't have to pay much, just get you out of the house and doing something new. If not try to find things to fill your time with.

Here's a suggestion that's close to home actually, I came to this website some time ago seeking help. Then I started reading posts and realizing that maybe I could offer assistance to some people in need and I've become addicted. I feel great because I'm helping others, and by offering suggestions to others it only reinforces some of the actions I need to take in the future.

There is only one draw back and that is that I spend way too much time on the internet now. LOL.

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Originally Posted by Skell

Sorry everyone for the long post. I just started and it kept on coming!

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Yeah, I can relate! Sometimes I think I'm just going to write one or two sentences and it turns into a book.

"Comments on this post
chuff agrees: I didn't realize that had happened to you Skell, you seem to be doing great in all the posts I read from you. I'd say your making progress because I didn't even realize this about you."

Thanks chuff. But it takes time. And I wouldn't go along and say I am completely over her. I won't lie. I'm not. But my life is good again without her. But time is what it takes.

That is why I especially stress the importance of taking time to yourself after a break up. I hate to see people who come here asking for advice on how to approach their new relationship when they are just a month or 2 out of a very long one.

I always recommend they don't get involved at all. It rally takes time to grieve and get over the last one. Not to mention the period when I think you need to reflect on how to make it work next time. Rushing back in doesn't give you the chance.

Thank Chuff and Skell! I appreciate all your support... I am finding this site really useful because it has really opened my eyes to things I never thought of before about my ex and our relationship together.

When you put it all like that, I think there were very big signs that she wanted out, I don't think there was much I could do even if I was to go back, the fact was, she was young and felt tied down...

I understand it, I don't necessarily like it, but I understand. It's strange though is'nt it how Love can blind what is actually going on. I went round a friends house last night and managed to avoid talking about her until the end of the night when he brought up his past relationship which ended under similar circumstances, except he was married with kids.

He said to me "I could see the signs were there Geoff, she was manipulating you, but you were smitten" he said he could see it would not last but would not and could not tell me because he could see how much she meant to me.

In a way, I am glad that this happened because it has opened my eyes up more about relationships and the positive and negative things about them.

It's kind of good though that my feelings of sadness and anger are reducing more and more as the days pass, they are not gone yet but I am sure they will.

I think if you truly love someone and they no longer want you to be part of their life, then you should let them go.. I want to accept that I will possibly never see her ever again but always have good memories of the times we shared whilst the relationship was working.

I think some things that happened to you, happened to me. My ex said a while back that he was fed up with having the same conversations with his friends, he seemed to be fed up with his friends, his flat, everything. He mentioned back in March that he wanted things to be the way they were before, i.e. it was his fault he was out with his friends drinking more, and a woman from his work stated texting him just before we split up, she is about 40 or 30's or something, and lives with her boyfriend. She text him a photo of herself and her cat believe it or not! I was not very happy about this. Maybe he felt flattered by this, who knows!! It put things in my mind, but I did make a joke about it. When things get so complicated you are best out of them I think.

Hmmmm - did you think there might be someone else?

I hate say this - BUT, Usually WHEN soemeone says they want to be by themselves, free etc. - someone else!!

Hi Wildcat,

It does not matter to me anymore, because if there was someone else, so be it, she was too young anyway, had not dated anyone else.

To be honest, she told me that someone in her work had asked her for a drink, so yes, she was clear that she liked him, subsequently, I found out from her brother that he turned out to be an a** who had more than one girl, if you get what I'm saying. So she has already ben burned once and although that hurts because I never wanted to see her get hurt in any way, she needs to experiment anyway and explore single life.

She told me she just wanted to be alone, not with anyone, I think what she really wanted was to date different men, have fun and do what a 20 year old should do. She said she felt tied down.. She wanted out for a while, probably 6 months like Chuff said.

The great thing about all this is that for the first time since our breakup, I am beginning to accept that YES, she was putting 'feelers' out and YES, she did want to be single and date different people. She did not necessarily want anything serious with this guy at work, but curiosity was eating at her after spending 3 years with me, the only man in her life.

The thought of her with another man does not make me feel good, but what she is doing really has nothing to do with my relationship I had with her and I am learning that loving someone is also thinking about their interests and learning to let go.

I feel like I am going to be a much stronger person through all this!

I don't even feel the need or want to contact her or any of her relatives whatsoever and have not done for weeks...

Yes it still hurts, but time really is a good healer!

Sorry for the long post folks, I get carried away sometimes...

It sounds as though you are doing so well, stay strong. X

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Originally Posted by wap

I think some things that happened to you, happened to me. My ex said a while back that he was fed up with having the same conversations with his friends, he seemed to be fed up with his friends, his flat, everything. He mentioned back in March that he wanted things to be the way they were before, ie it was his fault he was out with his friends drinking more, and a woman from his work stated texting him just before we split up, she is about 40 or 30's or something, and lives with her boyfriend. She text him a photo of herself and her cat believe it or not!! I was not very happy about this. Maybe he felt flattered by this, who knows!!! It put things in my mind, but I did make a joke about it. When things get so complicated you are best out of them I think.

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This is a good point, when a relationship is about to end, others who may be interested in your ex can sense that they may not be happy, either through conversation or just by the way the person behaves. Whe I look back to the weeks running up to my split with her, there was something different about her... She looked at me differently, talked differently, I think I even sensed an aura of emotional deadness.. Not to keep bringing up the past but the guy who was showing an interest in her before the split could very well have sensed that she wanted out and used the opportunity to his advantage...

Well, he turned out to be a jerk apparently anyway, more than one girl in his life if you get my drift, so I was told.. Point is, I think an outsider can sense when someone wants out of a relationship while the dumpee is hopelessly blind to what is going on until it is to late..

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I think an outsider can sense when someone wants out of a relationship while the dumpee is hopelessly blind to what is going on until it is to late..

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That is exactly why you go into a relationship healthy as possible and have a balanced life to begin with. It goes a long way in seeing things in a realistic manner rather than be blinded by emotional dependency. Its one thing to be sensitive and caring and quite another to be needy or dependent. The difference can be so subtle that you may not recognise what your doing until its too late and can only get over another failed relationship. If we fail to recognise our mistakes then we will repeat them over and over until we get it right. And yes you better believe there are people who can read people who are unhappy or vulnerable and know exactly how to use this to their advantage.

Woke up last night,

In a bit of a panic, heart was beating fast, think I must have been dreaming.. wondered where she was and realised that she was not there anymore, by my side.. You know, ehn you wake up all of a sudden and don't quite register where you are or what situation you are in.

Reality kicked in.. It was a strange intense sense of aloneness! Soon enough though I settled down into a peaceful sleep..

I guess I am still going through the motions a bit. I have been thinking less of her though over the past few days though..
I still get the angry moments and the Why? Why? Why? That turn into intense sadness but then I just go for a run and try to forget it.

I find that offering help to others on here that are going through similar problems helps divert my attention from my own situation to other's. It also kind of puts everything into perspective when I hear that others are going through the same feelings.

Yeah we are all feeling the same way, so you are not alone..
I Wonder when these dreams stop... I had one(it was so real) on Friday night also and I thought I was getting better...
Yes giving advice here really helps, the are so many people in the similar situations.

I think the dreams stop or become less when you don't think so much about your ex during the day.. At least that is what I find.

It is hard for me on Sunday's, I dread them... It seems to me that I think more about it on this day and therefore because of this, I dream!

Yes I used to hate Sundays also(seeing all those couples and families together)... Now I have found a solution, I go to places where there are mostly single people. Example I go and run/walk where there are mostly people alone. This kind of helps to see that there are more people alone apart from yourself.

Hi guys, I had a dream last night too, and woke up with thoughts in my head started analizing things and couldn't sleep. I very rarely have problems sleeping too. It is hard to get rid of these thoughts and dreams at night though.

Yeah, you do wake up and realise eventually where you are and that person is not with you anymore, it's a horrible feeling : (

PS. This is a common thing about Sundays, I hated them at first, I feel generally low on a Sunday anyway, as they are quiet. I guess because it is coming to the end of the weekend, people have had fun the night before etc etc

I do ironing on a Sunday, spend time online, watch TV, get stuff ready for work, I looked at my Italian, had an early night