Why did he kept telling me that?! I just don't understand.. was he trying to make me feel more like sh**? Did he wanted to intetionally hurt me even more? Why?!

I'm sorry you are going through a weak time, but just hang in there time heals really, you have to stop asking yourself those questions, tell yourself that you don't need to allow anyone make you feel bad. Sometimes our ex contact us just to know they still have some kind of control over us. So you have to keep telling yourself ill not let him control me anymore and you will be able to let go without any anger. Hope it gets better for you

No contact so essential, acceptance, after 4 full months of talking with my ex it got to the point where I would get so sick emotionally hearing anything that was coming from her.

You can not have any contact, read listen talk messages, nothing... this is sooo DAMAGING to your pschye.

It was and would be for me

Heya COCADA. Having withdrawals again, huh? I'm sorry you are feeling that way about how he handled it, but you should keep in mind that as much as you feel like he messed up he probably messed up too. Maybe he felt like telling you that was the best way to respond. It was wrong, and it did nothing but confuse you more, but he probably just handled it badly. Keep doing what you are doing trying to let go of it. You've already expressed all of these things to him and now it's time for you to start moving on. Start reminding yourself you decided to forgive him when you think like that, hopefully it will help you move in that direction so you can get on with your life.

Hi Chey,

Yes I get withdrawals, from time to time, very often still .I had no contact with him but is still so difficult, I still think about him a lot, not ALL day, but at least once or twice. I still have so many unanswered questions, that probably will never be answered, I still wonder if I will ever see him again, or talk with him, sometimes I want to know what he's been up too and how he is doing, I just wonder, because I don't really want to know, I know it will mess up and slow down my healing process.

I still cry sometimes, and I thought I didn't get angry anymore , but yesteday I felt like punching him in the face, like I felt when he broke up with me. I feel so much resentment against him . I was always so nice with him, he said I was perfect, so I guess he expected I was going to be all peaches and cream after the break-up, but I was not , I was extremely hurt, and I did not made the break up easy at all, he told me that he wanted be with me someday again, and that I fu**ed it up by being immature when I sent him all those texts messages.
I don't think that it had anything to do with matureness, I did hard time controlling emotions, yes! But I was hurrt so bad, I had so much pain in my heart and he was so cool, because brakees are always so cool and they move on so quickly, I guess he wanted me to react the sameway.
How can someone move on so quickly, after "loving someone so much" (according to them) How is that possible? I guess it wasn't real love after all, which made them fakes. That's what I think most of the time.

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Originally Posted by COCADA

I don't think that it had anything to do with matureness, I did hard time controlling emotions, yes! but I was hurrt so bad, I had so much pain in my heart and he was so cool, because brakees are always so cool and they move on so quickly, I guess he wanted me to react the sameway.

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I meant BREAKERS

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Originally Posted by COCADA

Ahhh !!!! i am going through a weak moment right know, my unconscious anger against him is raging right know, about 3 weeks ago he said he was really sorry that he hurt me , and sorry that I was going through a hard time because of him. I told him that it wasn't his fault , that I loved him very much and he just stopped. I thought about what I told him and I regret telling him that it wasn't his fault, It was his fault why I got hurt!! he broke my heart, out of the blue ! and he hurt me because he kept telling me that he loved me and that he didnt want to lose me, he told me all that but he didnt want to be with me !! he hurt me by lying to me telling me that he still loved, It was his fault that he hurt me, he could have just STOP lying and he didnt!! I feel so weak right now, I really really want to tell him .. "you know what? ... It is your fault that I am going through a tough time! becuase you kept lying to me , why would you do that? why wouldnt you stopped telling me that you loved? If you really loved you wouldn't have broken up with me! you liar! "

No one breaks up with you if you if that person still really loves you, they just dont let you go and hurt you like that. Thats not LOVE!

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Well actually it's life. I understand your pain but you are doing nothing to get yourself better! You are still in contact with him! How can you get better if he is constantly around you. If you cut all ties with him, you cut the source of the pain and your brain will do the rest for you (aka forgetting about him). Now the questions you need to ask yourself is what now? What are you going to do? Are you going to sit and wallow in your sadness or are you going to get out there and heal? There is plenty of single guys and girl out there. Stop all contact with him!

I stoppped contact with him , is been 3 weeks , and I still can't get him out of my head.

I wander that myself as well cocada, how can they move on so fast and not give a when they said the loved us... I get filled with so much pain thinking about my ex, its hard but I try not too, I still have brief moments in the day where I almost cry and sometimes do... I get scared to be alone..

Why would someone that loves or says that loves you breaks up with you ?

Maybe they do love you but they realize that it wouldn't be best for them to remain with you?

I don't know. It's been running through my mind as well...

But by breaking up with you they are taking the risk to lose you, which will probably happen, someone that loves you won't break up with you because he/she wouldn't want to lose you.

Perhaps they love you but are not *in love* with you or they have fallen out of love.
I love my exes but I am not in love with them.
By the very fact that I loved them deeply once I still have a place in my heart for them.

It may also be possible that someone that says they love you doesn't really understand what they are saying at all.

Or that they are only saying what they think you want to hear.

Or, as was said, that they may love you but are not, or are no longer, "in love" with you.

In any case, if they have broken up with you, there is a reason. Whatever it is, deep down, they do not feel for you the way that they should.

Maybe it's best that you found out sooner... rather than later.

Some people say they love you, but don't really know what love truly is.

I really wish the Dumper would stop saying that to the Dumpees , just causes more confusion than is already present when someone gets dumped.

We hear this on nearly every breakup thread and it's one of the most confusing things for the Dumpee because they get lost with False Hope when their Ex says "I still love you"

Everyone above has made some good points and they are all correct but only the Dumper really knows why they say it , whether it be they still hold a place in their heart for you , they still care for your well being or what I believe is the main one and that is to suppress their guilt.

Either way you DON'T Dump someone you "LOVE"

Calm down guys, it all in the normal process. My ex-gf left me after she cheated on me and it took me 2 month to recover (now we are in month 4) and a trip to Europe, but I still think about her and it hurts sometime. Cocada and Elousia you are probably two great women that has a lot to offer and there is plenty of great guys out there.

The fact that both of you are wallowing in your pain shows that you haven't taken an ACTIVE part in your healing process. The first step I would suggest is sport, and lots of it. Not only will it make you feel better but you could have a great body and all the guys will be after you. Your healing process only starts now and you have to take it in your hands.

As for the exes, it's their loss and our gain and if they are able to move that fast it means they are only going to be doing the same mistakes again and again until they will really get hurt. It's Karma :D

From what I've noticed when the person who dumps you says "I love you still," it is normally a way of softening the blow.

I don't know how it is for others, but I still do care for my exes whether I was the dumper or the dumpee. I do know it's not love, just a general concern. Maybe that's what they meant by love.

I had so much of this after an ex once I opened a public diary on a site like livejournal and would journal about it. Having it be public helped because I got feedback from strangers and didn't feel like I was being judged by anyone near the situation. After about 6-7 months I noticed I had started writing more about my daily life and other things. But I still had days. You might want to consider it as an outlet to get it out without it effecting anyone. I know that it helped me, and I also made some great friends. I can't recall if I deleted all of the posts but you can go read it if you want. Send me a note if you want and I'll share the link with you.

I believe the best way to handle a situation like yours is to properly initiate no contact by sending the appropriate message.

If you follow a step by step plan while you practice NC you will begin an evolution that will get your life (and hopefully your ex) back again.

Most of the time once you get your life back your ex follows... why?

Because you are no longer the same person that they broke up with... make sense?

Too many people focus on either getting their ex back, or moving on (forgetting their ex), like these are the only two choices they have.

What about learning what went wrong and then learning, growing, and evolving from what you discover?

I believe things happen for a reason, and break ups are really just a chance to become a better person, and/or lover.

Attitude is everything if you believe it's over and there is no way to fix it, then you make that become true... and that leaves you trapped and you locked the door.

I have seen much worse situations than yours turn completely around.

If you try to hide from, or numb the pain, instead of discovering what caused the pain in the first place... you're missing a chance to evolve.

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Originally Posted by getyourexback

I have seen much worse situations than yours turn completely around.

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Hi , Thanks for the post. What did you mean with this ?

I don't think I'll get him back, honestly I feel like I really lost him after everything that I told him, I don't even think about that anymore, because I know that's not an option.

Cocada you re right by not thinking about that.it was broken for a reason.and you re fine and getting better.

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Originally Posted by COCADA

Hi , Thanx for the post. What did you mean with this ?

I don't think I'll get him back, honestly I feel like I really lost him after everything that I told him, I don't even think about that anymore, because I know that's not an option.

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I have worked with a woman who went from slashing her ex's tires, not eating, or going to work to getting her ex back.

But, if you don't believe you can do it... then you're right.

Where your mind goes your body follows.

Don't be fed false hope, its all about your healing, and being healthy, and happy, not getting back an ex, who doesn't care.

Don't let you pain now, make you miss better options, and opportunities, that are present in your life. You will see that soon. I can promise you that.

I agree with talaniman.your relationship is over and you are strong enough to start loving the person you need to love first-yourself.

So so true, thank you tal and amicon..

I do realize that I can't count on anyone to make me happy but ME. I need to be happy again, my good happy passionate self is somewhere inside of me and she desperately wants to see the light again, I have so many things to be grateful and I am missing out on awesome things and opportunities, I know I am. I will be OK, I just need to take care of myself.

I know you will.look after yourself.hugs

Threads merged

Is it normal to feel like dying after a really hard breakup ? Just the feeling of it, not actually planning on doing it, not at all, just feeling like you want to die for a sec or 2. Sometimes I get so tired of feeling such a deep pain all around me, that I get desperate with it, and I just want it to go away and it just won't, and I just feel like dying so I won't feel that pain anymore. Why does it hurt so damn much ?

This is normal. Your world has completely changed and you don't feel like you're ready for it or that you can handle it. One day at a time. Don't worry about the day before or the day after, just worry about making it through today. It does get better with time.

Good luck.

I can't answer why. I can only tell you that most of us have been there. It does get easier. You learn to cope, to let go and to heal. I think when you really love someone and the relationship ends, you feel an understandable void in your heart, head and soul. It would be like a family member saying "you aren't good enough to be related to me". It hurts deeply when you love deeply. For many out there, they refuse to let someone in that close in order to avoid the possible loss that accompanies a break up. Having done both, it's not worth doing if you don't do it with all of your heart. You can't win if you don't play. The best advice I can give is to accept the way you are feeling is perfectly normal and that some day, you will be past it.

The passage of time will slowly heal your heart. Helping others seems to speed it up.

Some days are tough but it will get better.check your private messages in your profile please. :-)

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Originally Posted by COCADA

Is it normal to feel like dying after a really hard breakup ? just the feeling of it, not actually planning on doing it, not at all, just feeling like you wana die for a sec or 2. Sometimes I get so tired of feeling such a deep pain all around me, that I get desperate with it, and I just want it to go away and it just wont, and I just feel like dying so I wont feel that pain anymore. why does it hurt so damn much ?

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Its definitely normal to feel this sad and low especially when the feelings were so strong.But,people deal with heart-breaks differently.You just have to find your way of healing.But first,you really need to WANT to heal.Initially,let yourself feel all the pain and the sadness.Let loose all the pent up feelings.But once you are done with that,start your healing.

You broke-up because things weren't right,could be anything,but whatever it was,it has ended.Grieve,cry,but understand that you live only once.As there's pain,sadness,heart-breaking misery,so's there love,joy and hope.Bad times come so that we learn from them,grow and become better,more mature people.We'll get hurt again,maybe in the next relationship,the next business venture,the next step that we take but we don't stop living till the day we die,isn't it?It sucks but that's life.And it only gets better,I promise you.Take it from someone who felt her world had ended,8 months back,after her relationship ended.Today,this is the same person talking to you,by God's grace.

In a way you actually are dying. A broken heart changes someone, forever... there is no going back. The person you were is dead after you have healed. I don't mean the character an morals, but the actual experience of this changes you completely.

While healing you get the chance to build a better YOU. This is just one of those experiences in life that, while awful to go through, are life changing.

You re right kc-and we also have to mourn the death of the relationship.

Thank you all so much for your comments. Today is a good day, I was feeling very sad last night, and needed to hear (read) comfy words like the ones you posted. I surely hope that something great will come out of this pain.

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Originally Posted by COCADA

Thank you all so much for your comments. Today is a good day, I was feeling very sad last night, and needed to hear (read) comfy words like the ones you posted. I surely hope that something great will come out of this pain.

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I can assure you it will,but you have to allow yourself to learn that lesson.There were times when I actually cried so much that I had no control over my tears.I couldn't trust myself in public because the taps used to open,just like that,without any provocation and I had to run to the nearest loo and sob my heart out into my sleeve.It was that bad.

Today,I am a new ME.A more patient,calmer,composed,happier,peaceful and definitely WISER ME,somebody who has been able to get a grip and start over.Write words like this,to give some comfort to somebody else in pain.I am much more confident,positive and more than anything the months of healing,spending loads of time by myself,the introspection,looking within and sharing on this forum have made me love and understand myself like never before.

I know what I am and what I want.My perception of love and relationships has changed in a big way.Now I know,for sure,if its real love,of the absolute true kind,it doesn't go.Its only the "never-meant-to-happen" kind,the kind we mostly run after,that comes and messes with us and steers us off-course.And makes us grow up:)And I actually have managed to gather the strength to wait for the real kind and not settle for any other kind:).Am sure you,too,have it in you to reach such a zone,IF ONLY YOU WANT IT REAL BAD.

Starry nights,

The first 3 moths or 4 after the breakup I couldn't control my tears either. Every time someone asked me about him, I just started crying like a baby, I used to cry everywhere, even while I was doing exercise , I am a swimmer so I am pretty sure no one around me noticed when I was crying and swimming my heart out.

I still cry some nights for little bit, because it still hurts, Its been like 7 months now, and I still cry. I've cried him a river... literally.

Reading your post gives me a lot of hope. I want to go back to be that extremely happy girl I was before I even knew him, I mean I was sooo sooo excited a about life and my future! I was so confident. This breakup really knocked me down bad, I lost a big part of myself... I lost all of myself. I didn't know the person I became after the breakup, I just couldn't recognize who I really was anymore, so weird . I am not a mean person, I am really nice and warmhearted or.. I thought I was. After saying all those mean things to my ex , I am not even sure if a really am a nice person anymore. Honestly, I don't even remember everything that I told him, after I realized what I sent him I felt like something possessed me when I was doing that, I asked myself.. 'why the hell did I sent that? '... and the worse part is that I did the same thing so many times. I just couldn't control it.

I never ever thought I could feel so much anger, sadness, pain, absolute loss of self control... from a broken heart! It has been a really horrible rollercoaster of emotions. I loved him so much, but at the same time I hated him for breaking something so beautiful. I've already started to learn big lessons, But there's still a big part of myself missing somewhere inside of me. I want to find myself again so so bad, I wan it really bad now. I am tired of beating myself for what I did, I just want to let go.

Thank so much for your words of comfort and hope Starry, I really like knowing that I WILL get through this, just like you did and everyone that gives advice through this forum has.

Hey Cocada,

I believe you when you say you are a beautiful person... we all are :-). Only sometimes we forget about that and concentrate on the negative aspect. Feelings and emotions sometimes take control over you and it is hard to stop that. Yet you can do it...

Accept what happened and you are taking over ownership already... that is really good and the first step.

One of the keys to heal here is to FORGIVE YOURSELF. I am trying to do the same currently and it is freaking hard. Once you forgave yourself, you will feel better.

Be gentle on yourself and especially patient. Finding yourself again is not a short journey. It will take some time and discovering yourself is paired with pain sometimes (old wounds) but also with beautiful moments when you see your great personality and positive side, even new aspects :-).

I know the feeling of being tired of beating myself up, but it stills happens. Try and let go of it. There is no good coming out of it. You will get better for sure... it takes time... time is a really good friend of us and one day you will look back to this time and realise that it made you a stronger and more loving person...