Hi wap, I agree, getting older doesn't mean growing up for some men!

Val, I remember from your earlier post what you said about allowing my feeling for him to stay the same, whilst at the same time distancing myself from him because he is dysfunctional. So far this seems to be working for me, as I have let go of the bitterness so that it doesn't harm me for future relationships but I know that just because I no longer feel that bitterness doesn't mean I'll let him use me again. Good advice indeed.

Atta girl! :o

Thanks, I'm well proud of myself... even if it has taken 10 years for the penny to drop!

Hi all, I've just returned from a wonderful restful holiday, my first in almost 6 years (that's what waiting around for your ex does for you!).
The only down side was I dreamt about him twice while I was away so I wasn't too happy with myself. They weren't good dreams, both were very final, but it felt like he was the unwelcome guest on my holiday. I hope this isn't a pattern that will continue as it really brings me down.

Time heals all wounds, every thing would be all right.. .
Just wait and watch. He would learn a lesson and would realize his mistake and would come back to you.

God bless u and your family.

Your dreams being "final dreams" could have been a way of saying goodbye and finishing off what you have been feeling. Dreams can be quite healing if we listen to them. You were not able to say to him in person what you wanted to say and you may have done it in a dream. Healing is on the way. You have come such a long way from the beginning of this post. It will only get better as you can see. A sad thought here and there but not all consuming. You have lived without him for 10 years, you have only lived with a belief that the two of you would be together. That was only a thought, an illusion. Nothing more. You have really lived without him for a long time, you are not saying goodby to him, as he has not been there. You are saying goodby to that illusion.

Hi K_3, I think it is finally saying farewell to the illusion. Yes physically I have lived without him for 10 years, it has all been in my head, he just kept that alive by contacting me periodically to make sure I was still alone.
It sounds a little nieve but it never occurred to me that we've not actually been together in all that time, I took his promises as true but again they were just illusions. I feel a little better after your post, thanks.

Just thought I would post today as I'm a little low. Ex is now in new house with new woman playing happy families with the daughter he never wanted and suddenly he's planning holidays for him, the girlfriend and our daughter. It's like he's suddenly cottoned on that he's a dad, but can't remember who mom is!
On the bright side he doesn't live round the corner anymore so I never have to see him:) Reading back through all the replies has helped today. X

The fastest way to unhappiness is to compare and then draw inappropriate and perhaps inaccurate conclusions from it -- bad science!! Consider is all a play in which the final curtain has not yet come and concentrate on writing the only part you can--- YOURS!! Where would you like to go today?

Hi Val, it occurred to me that the conclusions may be inaccurate, but then I'll never know and it should matter no longer. I can only write my own part and I know I have come an awful long way. Today I would like to go to a place where none of this has any relevance, I think I may get there too.

I think that you only want back what you had. But what you had is gone and gone forever. He has changed, you have changed and the thing you shared 10 years ago has completely disappeared. You will probably always love him. He will always be somebody special to you, as you are to him. But you need to realize that you can't bring back the past, even if you got back together with him now. Too many things have happened already.
I have been dumped one month ago by the girl I thought I would stay with for the rest of my life. It's hard, but now I have come to understand that the past is something that is done and will never return. I also still love her with all my heart but I don't want her back. I want back what we had and that is something impossible.

You need to forget about him, the man he is right now. You don't need to forget about the man he was. Sadly enough, people change and so will you once you let it go.

I wish you all the best

Hey its party time and you have things to do and people to see. Where's the bingo hall. Call a best friend and tell her/him meet you at the Casbah,
Don't be sad, don't feel low.
Call ahead and get it to go!
Now shake that thang and conquer the world:D

Thanks tal, I'm off to a night class and then tomorrow some late night retail therapy... such a busy life. X

I'm just voicing my thoughts on another subject but I thought I'd post it here as my past may be relevant.

Whilst I was expecting my daughter and hubby didn't want to know I had a male friend at work who was wonderfully supportive and although we no longer work together, we have remained great friends. My ex knew that he was helping me at the time but basically he wouldn't have cared if Tom Cruise was helping out.

He has recently asked me out on a date (my friend, not Tom Cruise :D ). I know he has loved me for many years but he knew that I was waiting around for my no-hoper ex and I've always been truthful with him.
I love him dearly as a friend but have never considered him as a partner because there is no sexual spark there. We get on really well, he's kind, considerate and everything my hubby wasn't and he's told me he wants to look after me.

My question is, can solid relationships be borne out of friendship?

Absolutely!! I married my best friend. We were friends growing up. His father was my father's best friend. His grandmother was best friends with my grandmother. And we just became friends. There was no pressure from our families for us to be together... it just sort of happened. Now we are married and trying to have children. He is still my best friend.

Yes. Give it a chance and just take it slow. After what you have been through with this ex, a best friend type of guy is what you need.

I think they can, as I married my best female friend, but time is the best indication of where a friendship will lead. You know what we say here all the time 'Go slow and take the time to get to know each other, What's the hurry any way?' When two friends get together and commit to each other, they seem to make solid relationships, in my opinion as long as they are both MATURE at the same place and time and both work very hard to maintain that relationship.

Hi all,
I just needed to post today because my Nan has died. It's just a time when I would normally have my ex on hand having know him for 23 years, being familiar with each others families.

I've maintained no contact for around 3 months and it's been the best thing I've ever done to promote healing, so I'll not be letting myself down. You've all been so supportive that this is the best alternative to breaking the 'no contact' rule that has helped me so much.

I am very sorry for your loss Kay. You have my sincere condolences.

Sorry for your loss, that's a real shame. I hope you are OK x

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by kay13

Hi all,
I just needed to post today because my Nan has died. It's just a time when I would normally have my ex on hand having know him for 23 years, being familiar with each others families.

I've maintained no contact for around 3 months and it's been the best thing I've ever done to promote healing, so I'll not be letting myself down. You've all been so supportive that this is the best alternative to breaking the 'no contact' rule that has helped me so much.

---

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss, my deepest condolences.

I think you would definitely be doing the right thing by not breaking the progress yhou have made so far, as hard as it may be.

Take Care.

So sorry for your loss Kay.

I went through the same thing just a couple of weeks ago.

And it is hard yes. The person you have always had as your support is not there and it opens up a whole lot of emotions.

But trust me when I say it is a huge stepping stone and lesson for you.

Sadly a tragedy like this and the resulting hardship that one goes through will teach you some wonderful lessons about yourself.

I know it did me. I thought I needed my ex to get through it, to cry to, to hold. Well I didn't have her and I got through it and I feel so much stronger for the experience.

It is so sad that we have to lose a loved one in order to learn such a lesson but please stay strong and realise that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you all for your kind words.

Geoff, I know I cannot break my progress, it would crucify me to give in now, I think also it would give him much satisfaction.

Skell, hard is an understatement, grief makes you needier somehow, wanting to reach out to the person who means most to me but knowing I can't. I am sure I will get through this without him, I've done lots without him so it's just one more thing to add to a long list.
I promise you I'll stay strong, and hope I soon see that light at the end of the tunnel.

I am sorry for your loss. You have plenty of other support other than your X.

I do have lots of support from family and friends, that's very true.

Someone at work asked me today if my ex was coming to the funeral. I replied that as far as I know he didn't even know that my Nan has passed away.
She said that I was taking the cowards way out by having no contact with him, and that eventually because we had children together I would have to face him.

She didn't say it spitefully, and I did explain that maybe if I did ever have to face him again it wouldn't matter to me any more, but it has made me question whether I am a coward?

You made a choice 10 years ago. Look at you daughter and decide for yourself if you made the right choice. I promise you, you did. Now take that choice with you and move on. I had a realationship out of wedlock and raised my daughter myself. My girlfriend at the time would not stop seeing other guys. I moved away and got on with my life. I am sure she regrets the choice she made, but that is no diffrence to me now. I have a beautiful loving wife who loves all of our children. That will happen to you with another if you would move on.

Thanks inChrist, I know I made the right decision, even in my darkest hour. I hope my future is brighter.

I have a date tonight. Thing is, it's been on my mind all day - or to be honest my ex hubby has been on my mind all day, and I'm not sure if it's connected to the fact that I have this date. I know he's a complete jerk and he's abandoned our family without a glance back so I don't know why I feel this way. Even though I would like answers from him I know I'm not going to get them because lying is second nature to him. This man is the only man I've ever slept with, the man I thought would be with me for life. Maybe I'm just not ready to date yet, but that's scary too!

He is on your mind, you are not on his... he is controlling you, and you are allowing it to proceed.

Go out on your date, Don't TALK ABOUT EX at all... if the subject comes up in conversation initiated by your date, keep it short and change the subject. If all goes well you will have plenty of time in the future to say whatever you need to. The first second third date with the same person is not the time. If things look like they are going somewhere then its time to let the new BF know. Keep high morals and expect the same of your date.

Is the date with somebody you've known for awhile, or a new acquaintance? It's good that you're broadening your range, but be cautious and go slow. You're in the early stages of grief--generally not a good time to start a brand new relationship, especially when you're still spending so much emotional energy on your ex. I'm not saying don't do it, just be extra careful, especially if you don't have a long-term friendship with this person, OK? Just a thought. I could be wrong--have been before.

Hey Kay, your going on a date, not getting married. Have FUN. Be home before the street lights come on!! (lol, couldn't resist, SORRY)

Thanks for your replies; inChrist - yes I'm again allowing him to control me, thanks for pointing that out, it sure sobers me up!

Ordinary guy - I've know him a very long time and he's aware of what we've been through as a family so there will be no mention of the ex. I know he has deep feeling for me and I just don't want to let him down.

Tal- you're right, it's only a date! And I'm usually in bed before the street lights come on - hope I don't turn into a pumpkin!

Has anyone ever had one of those moment of clarity when you realise that no matter how much you may want to be back withyour ex, you know for certain that you're better off apart?

Today when he dropped our daughter back at my moms, mom told him about my nan passing away and his answer was 'she was hanging on a bit too long' - it so upset my mom, how insensitive can you get. He then added a parting shot 'tell Kay that Meg (our daughter) needs some new trainers, these are disgusting.' What a lovely person.

Wait until you get to the point where you wonder what the attraction was in the first place. When you slap yourself, don't have anything in your hand.:D

Hi all, happy 2007! Hope Christmas and new year was as lovely as possible for all of you.

I had a better time than I expected but there have been a few developments.

My son, who as you know hasn't spoken to his Dad in over 3 years, informed me yesterday that he has applied to change his surname to my maiden name. I'm not really surprised and it's his free choice, I just think it's sad. I also think my ex's family will do their usual thing and blame me.

My ex sister-in-law has called me to say that my ex mother-in-law is suffering from depression due to my son not wanting to see her. Firstly, this lady also abandoned me when I was pregnant with my daughter and hasn't spoken to me since and secondly there is little I can do to help considering my son has a very strong mind of his own.
His Dad wrote him a short note at Christmas saying that he was sorry mistakes had been made. My son's reaction was to say it wasn't about their relationship anymore, but about how he'd seen me treated. That made me feel quite proud.

Last but not least I've always had to fight to get any annual raise in child maintenance from the ex, but have noticed that now that we have no contact he has automatically paid more this month.

I don't know what to make of all these developments - I just hope the last one isn't a ploy to get me to contact him because that is something I cannot face.

Happy New Year! I'm sorry about you lost your Nan... that's a tough part of life.
Now, don't get me wrong here, and I don't mean to sound harsh... but, hey... you got to get over your ex! He's dissed you in so many ways! OMGosh, it's just sad to think of how he has treated you from the get go! You have to wipe him out of your life, and move on. The longer you hang onto dreams, and thoughts, and all the crap that he dished out to you, the longer you're going to be controlled by him. If he pays you support, atta boy to him. Use that money for raising your children, and don't worry about your ex. Life is too short. Just move on, get on with it, and get over him!
Take care girl!

If it were me, I wouldn't even let him see the child that he never wanted.
Sounds like to me that he was having an affair and looking for
A way out and that is probably why he freaked out about the pregnancy in
The first place. I know it hurts to loose someone you love so much, but you
Will evidentually get over it and be happy again!

Hello, thanks for your comments. Pegsue, yes time to move on. So what if he's upped the payments? I'll take the money and run, as you say for me to keeping thinking about it is for him to still have control, and he's not worth that.
Mkelly, I wish he didn't have to see my daughter, life would be easier. It's ironic that he didn't want her yet she's the only child he has now. My son is over the moon with his new name, it's like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders - he has taught me a lot.

As they say, what goes around comes around. A life without my son would not be a happy one.

You have come far Kay, keep strong : )

Thanks Wap, I think I have too - all thanks to you and the great people on AMHD. You're doing great too, keep strong. X