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Volunteering is a great idea! Actually I'm also starting soon in September to volunter. It helps us get better and it helps other people, what more can we ask for? Besides we meet people that have the same goals.
He is living his life, so you should live yours and try to stop thinking about him. It's hard but get occupied, get busy all the time. It's easy for him because he is the dumper and you are the dumpee, it's much harder for us.
I've done OK this week. I was kind of a mess on Monday night because there were a bunch of pictures posted of him having fun with a bunch of my friends, but I got over it. I decided I was going to go see a councelor to see if that might help. She was OK, but I guess she kind of thinks there isn't anythign all that wrong with me. There isn't but I just feel like I'm letting this hurt me too much.
Today is the 20th day of NC. It seems to be getting a little harder. I just found out that one of my friends isn't going to invite me to her birthday party because my ex will be there. She is his best friend's girl friend. I told her I wish she didn't have to make a choice between us, and that it hurt me.
When he and I broke up it wasn't like something horrible happened to make us break up - he just wasn't into it anymore. I don't understand why he has to be a jerk to me now when he never was before, and why it seems like I can't get invited to things because he might be there. Not fair...
I still don't want to talk to him - this weekend I have to see him each day for my friend's going away party. I'm going to do my best not to talk to him and just stay away. I guess I'll see if I'm any good at it. I just wish my friend's didn't have to shaft me each time because they don't want us together.
I just don't get why htings have to turn out like this - why can't we be civil with each other?
You don't really need a counselor, you're in pain and it's normal. Why do you even want to have any kind of relationship with him? It's hard because he is there but just enjoy yourself even if he is there. Don't look at him. You're doing good with NC just keep going with him. NC is about everything, don't check Facebook with him in the pictures as it will only give you pain.Quote:
Originally Posted by bella99
I don't know too many people who can break up, and maintain cordial relations with mutual friends, without making the friends uncomfortable in a situation you described.
I think it is an unfortunate fact of life that friends will change after a breakup, especially couple friends. Eventually you, and your ex, will both have new mates, and it might be different then, but for now, this has changed the friendships.
Maybe it is because he is not as bothered about all of this by you are, that your friends are being thoughtful. I know that sounds strange, but to invite you, they may be thinking the breakup is still too fresh, and they don't want to put you in an awkward position.
The next time you fall in love, he will have friends, and couple friends, and any that you have lost you will regain again, and maybe even more.
Think of it not as being left out or snubbed, but that your friends are also on the spot, and not intentionally trying to hurt you.
I've got to see him tonight and tomorrow at a going away party. But I'm determined to hold it together. Just do my own thing - keep away - and if he says hi - say hi back but keep it short and move on.
Anyone have any good tips to keep me from wanting to monopolize his time? I'm determined not to, but it's always harder to do things than it is to say them. I want to keep myself frm lingering around him.
I promised myself a massage if I can make it through these two days with out drama. Sounds reasonable right?
Stop worrying how you'll get through the night, and if you can handle yourself. You'll do fine, and have a great time, because that massage idea is some good motivation.
You have to answer all these questions yourself, bella, no one can do it for you. You can't let an s/o who has moved on, obviously, effect your livelihood. He doesn't want you around. If they are good friends they will support you, if not, leave them be. Q4, yes take a trip, a vacation, get away, who knows maybe you will meet someone in Jamaica, Bermuda, Mexico. Q5. Get a dog or cat to talk to. They offer unconditional love and actually look at you when you speak to them. Just think positive, maturely, give it a break. He isn't the only fish in the sea.Quote:
Originally Posted by bella99
IMO
Tick
Thanks. Yea I think I'll be OK - Just haven't talked/see him in a few weeks so I'm a little nervous. I'm just going to enjoy hanging out wth my friends and not worry too much. Anyway tomorrow I get to go to a bachelorette party after the other party I have to se ehim at - so that will be fun - and he def won't be at that one hahaha.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Unless he is a male stripper, Hehehehehe!!
I hope he's not a male stripper- my husband tried that once, and made $1.00
To Bella, you can't ignore him, you will be faced with at least saying 'hello'. But, after that, keep on movin'. If you stop, or hesitate, and he jumps in with conversation, it will just be harder and harder to walk away.
Good luck, stay strong.
Thanks guys. He didn't show up tonight. I was kind of happy about that, but at the sam time I know its my friend Mandy's going away party - stinks he didn't show, but he always has been kind of selfish. Oh well.
He probably won't show up to her party tomorrow, although I'm going to go. I may be forced to say hi to him, but tahts it - I doubt he would jump in with conversation - he's more of the person who would rather not be faced with talking to me.
He will most likely be at the birthday party I'm supposed to go to after the going away party tomororw, but I already committed to going to a bachelorette party, so I don't have to see him. I might go to the birthday party for an hour, and I already explained it to those guys - they are fine with it.
Sort of a huge load taken off my shoulders, but part of me wishes he would have gone so I would be able to see how I would have handled hanging out in a controlled environment with him. All of his friends LOVE me, so its kind of weird - they were there but he wasn't. Oh well - just lets me go to sleep peacefully tonight. Thanks for your help everyoen!
If he didn't show up then great! Believe me it's MUCH better not to see him. You are still healing, you shouldn't test how much you've "healed". A lot of time I have to go out with my friends, my ex is there... and that doesn't help even a couple of month later. You're doing great! Just keep continuing what you are doing!
Ugh - I hate Facebook - he is now "in a relationship" 4 months to the day we broke up. He's going to both of the parties ill be at this evening - I really hope isn't bringing the girl. I'm pretty sure its this girl he was in class with last semester - and I kind of wonder if that is why we broke up. As soon as spring semester started he started to be weird. Ugh - I'm not really sure how to react to this.
He told me he wasn't looking to be in a relationship with anyone, and here he is already in a relationship with someone - it really hurts me. I know he couldn't care less about me now - and it stinks because I've had him on my mind the entire summer - and I can't get him off my mind. But I'm apparently easily replaced. I'm really hurt right now. Kind of devastated. I know we are both allowed to go out with other people, but why so quickly in another relationship.
It's basically part of life... the pain that is. Just in case you haven't completely understood NC, you should delete everything from everywhere that would be related to him. That means delete him from Facebook, block him and block any email that he could send.
It's common sense, if you have some information about your ex, the pain will not go away. If you cut everything, the pain will go away slowly, but it will go away.
As hard as it is, it's now his life and now it's yours... you shouldn't ask yourself those questions. I understand it is painful... my ex cheated on me, lied to me, used me, then I have to see her from time to time, go to night club with her with a group of friend, and see her give advise to a girl who broke up with her boyfriend because he cheated on her... while my ex cheated on me.
With all that I still manage to be myself and really not to think too much about her. Life is way too short to be thinking about the why's and the if's of people who could just hurt us that easily. Basically you can say you have to redo NC from start... since you've checked his Facebook. Try to avoid him, if you can't try to be concise and don't look at him or think about him during a party. It's hard but it's possible.
This is what people do-and as we are not with them anymore we must accept their choices.of course you are hurting and I feel for you.you know that day by day it DOES get better.try to continue moving on- I understand from your posts you re doing well.
I know I need to delete him from Facebook - that is the source of all of my frustrations - but its hard because part of me wants to know what's going on in his life. Plus we have so many friends in common that I can always see the pics they post of him.
I think I need to stay away from Facebook altogether for a while. I wish I had some more friends that weren't his friends. I hung out with all his friends last night in fact - I've been tryng to make new friends - its just hard.
I was doing kind of well actually before this happened. One of you guys said this to me before but at least rock bottom is firm ground to stand on and start over from.
This still hurts though...
It's not easy Bella, but you will live to see another day, and at some point in the near future, you will rest your mind at ease, knowing that what you DO know, is enough to let go of.
You will never have all the answers. Maybe what you are left with is just knowing that you loved him so much, and that is the part that hurts so much to let go of. It is easy to remember the good times, and the bad times may not seem so bad, but it is over, and you have to think of only you right now.
When you are feeling overwhelmed, one thing I like is writing in a diary. Get a notebook, and every day write something about when you thought about him that day, and why. Write it out whether it's a good memory, or a bad memory. If you are angry, write that out. Stuffing either the good or bad, or not realizing the good and bad, will only keep surfacing until you face it. It will also help you, in weaker moments, to realize how far you've come, when you do happen to run into him and his new girlfriend somewhere down the line.
It is a loss. A loss of what you thought your future would be, a loss of confidence, a loss of emotional control, rational thought, etc. We have all been there Bella, and it is natural. To not go through all this pain will leave you in the future, with doubts when you are thinking of commitment again. That's called baggage; don't let it happen to you. Keep your perceptions of this relationship incheck, not all men, and not all relationships will be like this one.
Celebrate your freedom Bella, that is what you have now. You are strong, and getting stronger every day. Think of all the good things about yourself that you will bring to the next relationship, including experience. Better to have loved and learned, than never to have learned to let yourself love again.
As to Facebook, you can 'delete' your account, which only de-activates it, for a few months if you want to. Or, you can keep things as they are, and when you come across pics or notes of him, get that diary out, and say how you feel about it, or how its affecting you.
My guess is, before you know it, you'll have a hard time putting a sentence about him together, because you'll be over him. :)
There is a feature on Facebook where you block and delete him. You SHOULD NOT want to know what is going on with his life! It will only give you more pain and suffering. NC is all the way or you're not doing NC at all. It is tremendously hard but NC is the only way to get better. Look at all the threads and the only people who were able to get better are the one doing completely NC and taking care of themselves.
And yes Facebook is quite an addiction this is why I hate it. I believe that people are passing too much time on it because a lot of them are bored. What matters is our own life and if we are bored then she should get into more activities.
And actually being at rock bottom is a good thing, you can rebuild from scratch. Making new friends should not be so hard. Take is slow.
Yea this is pretty tough for me - not going to lie. I really want to just start over with a clean slate - just move on - I'm going to make it happen. I haven't been able to convince myself to delete him as a friend or block him, but I did block her so at least her pics and posts and stuff on Facebook won't pop up. I'm also going to stay away from Facebook for a few months.
Now I just have to try not to run into the 2 of them out. Its so hard to believe that he is going out with another girl - theya re having fun together while I'm just miserable. I don't want to be, and I'm going to try hard not to think about them.
I still just want to cry - I'm so good at giving advice - and I know what I SHOULD do - its just so hard to get your heart to start believing it too. Its hard not to obsess over someone. But he isn't mine anymore - its done - time to move on. So much easier said than done.
Hey bella,
Well it's actually good you're saying to yourself to get over him. It's so hard to follow your head when your heart is misplaced... but our emotions do calm down after a while and you do get better. It's a good thing you are getting off Facebook for a while, it will help you heal. The first day of healing and NC are very hard ( I guess you have to redo them again ). The best way to do it, is to make a list of things, in your head or in paper and follow them.
For example, you would go everyday to the gym and work out hard whatever mood you are in. You plan on getting out once every weekend at least and try to get in contact with all friends. Talk to your family about your problem, your friends, this board...
In order to heal and get better you need to take an ACTIVE part and set yourself some goals. He is gone and now you have to accept it. Indifference should come later as you continue healing. If you are having trouble getting new friends try to talk to random people or people in your class, work... that you've never talk to. Day by day you DO get better but it requires lots of work.
I really do want to get over him - I hate this terrible feelng in my chest that I always have from worry about all of this. And its just not worth it - there are so many other people out there. So my mind is made up - just another thing to get my heart and emotions on board.
As for NC, I've basically mastered all forms of communication except Facebook - that is the final frontier, but I put some steps in motion so I don't have such easy access to his info. If I must, I will delete him if I seem to be slipping up. I know I'm only going to get upset if I look him up.
I'm debating on sending him an email that basically says, For my own peace of mind, I need to do my best to stay away from you for a little while. This is a small town, and I would appreciate it if when you see me out, you wouldn't come over to say hi, or maybe just go to a different area of the bar. If I see you, that's what I'm going to do. Maybe in a few months, I'll come up and say hi to you when I'm ready, but right now I need to spend time away from you.
What do you think? I think if I sent it to him, he would do his best to honor it. I know most of the things I get upset about aren't things that he is doing to me purposefully tyring to inflict pain on me. This is just such a small town, I know I'll end up seeing him out, and I'm going to leave if I do, but I don't want him to surprise me and come over to say hi until I'm ready.
Unfortunately, we have so many friend in common, there are a lot of parties and get togethers I might have to miss, but its for my own good. I might tell my friends I'd like to stay away from him as well, so that they tell me if he is coming over, or perhaps they will invite me over once in a while with out him.
I'm still going to keep staying busy - the gym tonight, kickball tomorrow, eagles game on Thursday, wedding this weekend. I'm working on building some friendships outside of my normal group. MBA Classes start again next week, so that should also keep my mind occupied.
Let me know if you have any thoughts. Thanks guys!
I would suggest not sending an email to him. I just think any type of communication right now would cause more harm than good. Just keep busy as you are and you will get through this. All anyone can ask of you is to try your best to get over him and you are doing that. Give yourself credit and keep doing the things you are doing.
Ok - no email - maybe I'll just write the email I would have written in this forum and not send it. If he does come up to me in a bar or restaurant around here, I'll just politely ask him to refrain next time until I'm ready to be around him again. Sound like a plan?
Bella reading this thread is so weird for me because I was in the Same situation as you and it feels like you were writing my story. I live in a small town too and my ex and I come from the same group of friends. He acted the same way as your ex did- nice to me one day, horrible to me the next. I did the NC thing and broke when he came to me saying he still had feelings (which ended up being a lie). Breaking NC was the biggest mistake I could have ever made. The fact is that people change. And it's so hard to learn that and accept it, but it's just life.
I would definitely suggest that you don't send that email. Why even waste your time and energy on him? Don't give him the satisfaction that he is so amazing that you can't even bear for him to say hi to you. It seems to me from your previous posts that if you see him around there is a chance that he may not even approach you. My ex never does, when I'm around him now he acts like he doesn't even know me. But I have truly realized that I'm better than him- and it's time for you to realize that too!
You will get through this. I thought I never would, and I'm not even fully over everything yet. But I will tell you that NC has made me a million times happier, and I am no longer hoping for him to come back or trying to plan my future with him in it. There is a brighter future for the both of us! Stay strong and keep yourself busy, don't waste your time contacting him because it will only make everything harder for you. Keep moving forward.
Don't make plans to make other plans. If you see him out act like the mature and smart woman you are, be polite but short and carry on your way.
I have all faith you will handle it the best way possible, but until then, don't worry about it. Also I would suggest writing the email but posting it here. Lots of people have done that on here and it works best for them.
Dog gone rep system!! Good advice KC.
You can't let him continue to run your life. Just because he is at the same place you are, doesn't mean you have to keep running away and make changes. If you keep planning your life around him, you will always be wondering what he is doing and where he will be and live with the fear that you will see him. You have to take control of your life and live it how you want, with out the possibility of running in to him at certain places holding you back from doing so.
Don't let him hold you back...
Thanks guys! I appreciate the continued advice. I definitely know what I have to do (and not do). He gets no more time from me, If I run into him I'll worry about it then. Truthfully I'll probably worry about it before I go out each time, but I'll try not to. He is no better than I am - just because he got back into a relationship right away doesn't mean anything. It means I'm taking time to make sure I am better, so that my next relationship works out better.
I do miss him still, and it just stinks that things turn out the way they do. Avoiding someone you used to like to hang out with isn't fun and hard work, but just going to keep on trying. I definitely welcome any other encouraging words you may have :)
As far as him getting into a relationship, I have yet to get into another relationship and it has been almost a year since my break up. I have dated, but no serious relationship yet. It isn't about me being ready it is merely about not settling on someone for sake of having a title. When the time is right you will know, but more importantly when the right person is there you will be ready.
One morning you ll wake up and you ll be completely over him.and all this will be in the past.
We all believe in you Bella. I have much more month of NC and healing ahead ofyou and I can truly say I feel wonderful! Life has never been as great as that, even when I was with my ex. There is tons of threads who started NC and feel much better. It's no magic, it's common sense.
One day you will feel truly happy about yourself and that's the secret of a successful and happy life. Don't worry about him, do whatever you planned to do and get on with your life. The more active you are, the faster you will heal.
Bella,
That's so normal. Im going on almost 3 mo. Of NC.
Everyday is different. But staying strong through the pain and creeping feelings are maddening at times.
Its so hard to not wonder what ex's are doing, I still do that. But what Ive realized is those thoughts don't help me one bit.
These are in a way, your own residual memories. Hes actually gone now.
All of those thoughts are in a way your speculation. Your assumptions. Like its "easy for him. And honestly, who cares? Once you start caring more about what your truly feeling and doing for yourself, those will take a back seat.
But only with time and strength. Show yourself how strong you can be.
Plus, if you share friends, you should know who you true friends are. They should be happy to help you cut the drama.
So I was just talking to my friend at work just about lunch and stuff. She's friends with my entire group of mutual friends, but she understands my situation.
I asked her how the parties went this weekend (that I skipped due to my ex being there and the potential of his new girlfriend being there), and she wanted to know why I didn't go. I told her I didn't go because of him and she said she would have gone anyway since it was a going away party for my friend who s moving away for 2 years. I explained why I didn't go and she said well why does it bother you, and I said because I feel like I was replaced, and I wouldnt' have been able to stand seeing him with someone else - especially since I had only found out a few hours earlier. She said she would have gone anyway to see our friend, but I just doubt I could have handled it in any mature way - and I didn't want to mess up anyone's party. She asked me if I was going to avoid all the other parties I'd be invited to, and for now - yea I probably will if he is going to be there - eventually I'll go again.
She kind of got me upset because I guess it seems like I'm avoiding my friends because of this guy, but I just don't want to cause a scene or anything. I also don't feel like being hurt every time I go out - that's no fun. If I just see my exbf even with out his new girlfriend I'll probably get upset.
So, was I right to not go to the parties? Or should I have gone to say good bye to my friend? I'm trying to work it out with her so I can see her before she goes for a bit. She is doing a last hoorah on Thursday - I atuall have another commitment, but I told her I would be there if I could. I did ask her to let me know if my ex was there. If he was there alone I'd make an appearance for a few moments and avoid him. If he is there with the girl, I won't go - I don't want to create drama for everyone.
So, am I doing the right thing by avoiding them all? I'm only avoiding them if he is there - maybe they don't quite get it?
I think you are doing the right thing, and your friends should understand. There is no point in causing more pain for yourself, so by avoiding it you are doing what is best for you, and that is all right.
I'm surprised your friend is so insensitive.
I don't think you should go to events where he'll be there, with or without, his new girlfriend.
For you to know ahead of time would mean your friends would have to speak to him and see if he's coming solo or not, and that puts them on the spot.
If you are invited to an event and he is going to be there, you either don't go, or take a chance that 'she' will be there as well.
With this being so fresh, my advice is to stick to your guns, and just lay low for now. Make alternate arrangements as you're trying to do, to say goodbye to the friend that is leaving for two years.
One other thing I wouldn't do is keep explaining myself. If you are asked why you didn't attend a certain event, just say that you weren't feeling well, or you had other plans. Anything you do say about the real reasons for your absence, will most likely be spread around to all your friends, and that will get back to the ex.
You will know when you can handle attending an event when the event itself, is more important than who is going to be there.
Thanks guys I defintely thought I did the right thing. After the next week or so events will die down with my friends - once summer is over everyone gets busy doing their own thing. Fewer BBQs and stuff. Yea I think I will just tell them I had other plans.
I honestly am not trying to avoid my friends - I think I just need to hang out with some different people for a while, and minimize contact with people we are mutual friends with.
I don't think my friend was tryig to be insensitve, I just don't think she realized how much it hurt me that he is dating someone new.
I need to calm down - go eat lunch - get out for a walk and then get back to work - hopefully cheer up.
Have you had your vacation yet? Sometimes going away for a week or two can be healing-new places-new faces.:-)
You know its always a lot easier for people to say what they would do when they aren't in the same situation as you. I get it all the time, but at the end of the day you know how you feel and should go by what you are feeling and not worry about what other people would or wouldn't do. Half of the time its because they have never felt what you felt or been where you have. If you didn't want to see him with his new girl then you shouldn't have to. End of story. Friends should understand.
Yea I definitely need a vacation! I think I'll take a week in October after my largest project for work is due.
I hate that I wake up and before I even wake up he is on my mind - anyone know how to stop that?? Or how to switch tracks when you can't get someone out of your mind. Mostly when I'm at work during the day since I should be doing work but I end up thinking about him. At night its not so bad because I can go out for a walk or to the gym or invite friends over.
I was listening to the radio this morning on my way to work, and "King of wishful thinking" by Go West came on. That is EXACTLY how I feel - I wish I didn't have to fool myself into not caring though :( Here are the lyrics for anyone who hasn't heard them:
I don't need to fall at your feet
Just 'cause you cut me to the bone
And I won't miss the way that you kiss me
We were never carved in stone
If I don't listen to the talk of the town
Then maybe I can fool myself..
I'll get over you.. I know I will
I'll pretend my ship's not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
'cause I'm the king of wishful thinking
I am the king of wishful thinking
I refuse to give in to my blues
That's not how it's going to be
And I deny the tears in my eyes
I don't want to let you see.. no
That you have made a hole in my heart
And now I've got to fool myself..
Bella its fake it till you make it.healing takes time but you re doing well.keep posting we re here.:-)
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