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Originally Posted by louiseismyname

So why do I yern for him? Ive not got sky high confidence but then again my confidence is not that low, if I could understand why I yern for a guy that is no good for me then maybe I could snap out of this situation.

Any ideas of why I yern for this bad guy would be appreciated, thats for keeping with this thread, I really appreciate all your help and advice

louise xx

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That is what NC is for. Not only is it for you to move on and heal from the pain of a break-up but as many good, experienced people here have said, its about making yourself a better, and more complete person. So now during NC is the time for you to figure that out. Can it be that you despise being alone and must always have someone? Perhaps it could also be that you may be insecure and something about him or your relationship with him made you feel better. Honestly no one knows you like yourself and so you would have a better idea about this and you are the one who will ultimately know why you feel that you need him. But we will all try to help :D

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Originally Posted by PeruvianBlaze

That is what NC is for. Not only is it for you to move on and heal from the pain of a break-up but as many good, experienced people here have said, its about making yourself a better, and more complete person. So now during NC is the time for you to figure that out. Can it be that you despise being alone and must always have someone? Perhaps it could also be that you may be insecure and something about him or your relationship with him made you feel better. Honestly no one knows you like yourself and so you would have a better idea about this and you are the one who will ultimately know why you feel that you need him. But we will all try to help :D

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Thanks for your response. I think I liked the attention of him telling me that he loved me and wanted to be with me. Even though looking back now he may not have meant what he said. Im happy to be alone and don't feel the need for a man, I was brought up never to rely on anyone but yourself you see.

He is a bad boy and I'm sat here under no illusions that he will change or think for one minute that I will change him. I just don't understand why he told me he is single, as like I did (and regret) can always find this girl on Facebook and request her as a friend and see that they are together. She is the type of person that will accept anyone as a friend so all the truth is out there to see. I don't understand why he lies when he get found so easily like he has?

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Originally Posted by louiseismyname

i thought id give you all an update (i hope you dont mind). Its day 5 of no contact now, its been alot easier than the previous times of NC as I think this time the nature of how he treats me has really hit home. Im not a little teenager that thinks I deserve this treatment, im a grown woman with my own house, nice car, good kob and lots of friends that knows she deserves better. But when he texts I go all weak and tell him that I love him too ????? Im trying to be strong this time, im not even bothered anymore about him being with someone (at one point in time that thought would have killed my heart) so does this mean that im starting to heal and move on???

Im not sat around waiting for him, im living my life to the full, id never put my life on hold for anyone. Its like someone commented on here and ive said myself before, even if I did get back together with him (which wont happen) id just be constantley looking over my shoulder and wondering what lies he was telling me and thats not a healthy adult relationship. So why do I yern for him? Ive not got sky high confidence but then again my confidence is not that low, if I could understand why I yern for a guy that is no good for me then maybe I could snap out of this situation.

Any ideas of why I yern for this bad guy would be appreciated, thats for keeping with this thread, I really appreciate all your help and advice

louise xx

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Hi Louise - only you can really know why you keep giving this guy your energy - to me it sounds like a form of addiction that you can't let go of.

Perhaps he's like a 'bad boy' to you and you're addicted to the fact that he's unattainable, mysterious, distant, etc. Perhaps you want the challenge of making him love YOU, not those other girls. Perhaps you don't really want a committed relationship and pursuing a man like this means that you can avoid it.

As I said - ultimately, only you have the answers.

Louise maybe talk to a therapist and he could answer why you keep on wanting to go back. You seem very stable in every other aspect of your life, except this. It could be something from childhood, who knows. We can only give you advice and he might just have the answers you are looking for. Good luck and keep us updated.

I do think that I deserve better than being lied to. All this guy does is come crawling to me (im assuming when he is going through a rough patch ith the gf).
He texts me and then I respond and he don't even text me back half of the time, its like he enjoys making a fool out of me ? Why would you do that to someone who you say that you love?

It's not love, he is unstable. You have to figure out why you keep on going back, what draws you to this man. I don't understand, just cut him off, even if you have to change your phone number, if that is what it takes. He offers you absolutely nothing except for hardache and pain. Change from this day forward and don't look back. There are so many nice men that could offer you so much more. It's like a visicious cycle what your going through. Can you pinpoint something in your life that is happened that you let someone treat you like this? Please stop and get your priorites back on the right track.

Trust is paramount in a relationship. Do you think you will EVER believe ANYTHING he ever tells you ? Probably not. Don't waste any more energy on this guy. HE IS A LIAR. The love you feel is probably based on lies that he told you. He cheats now and probably will for years to come. Find yourself a nice, honest, loving guy who will treat you like a lady. Good luck to you.

Thank you all for your kind words, help and advice. Im sure he is unstable to be honest, when I first met him 2 years ago his mates warned me to be careful as he tells lies, that really should have been a warning sign but stupid me thought that he would never lie or cheat on me!! That hit me right in the face.

Ive always been there for him and he knows that, he has admitted in the past that he has treated me bdley and said he would change but he never has.

Im on day 5 of NC and its hard but I'm getting there, just not having to hear his bull is a lovely break to be honest. Im just taking it a day at a time, I've lost a stone and now I'm 6 foot tall and weigh just 8 stone due to all this meyhem

Good luck and keep us posted. Everyday you will get stronger. We all have been through different situations, but you look back and say to yourself what was I thinking..

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Originally Posted by sully123

Good luck and keep us posted. Everyday you will get stronger. We all have been through different situations, but you look back and say to yourself what was I thinking..

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sully123 thank you, I really hope I look bac on this and say what a wan£$r he was and what was I thinking but at the moment the pain is just too deep. I have good hours and bads hours (not days) my emotions change towards him from one minute to the next. I feel a fool to have been fooled by him. He must be laughing at my weakness for him and that hurts. I would have died for him at one point :(:(:(

Good work on the NC for 5 days. Keep strong and keep going forward. Don't fall prey to him again. Let his new girlfriend deal with his childish ways and she can be the new fool on his block. It will get easier as you move ahead.

I just wanted to give you all an update, I've just had some bad news regarding a family members health on Thurs and am obviousley very upset, one of my friends told my ex that id had some bad news and he asked what it was. My friend said that she thought I would have told him and that because I hadn't then its not really her place to say.

To cut a long story short, the guy turns round and says that there's nothing wrong with me and that I'm a wierdo and need help. These comments really hurt me, especially now at a time like this, so stupidly I text him and asked why had he called me these names when he knew I was going through a rough time. I told him that his words really hurt me.

In reply to this he text me and said "no problem" and said that he had moved on and is happy and I need to do the same. How can someone who was asking me to get back together 2 weeks ago (whilst he had a girlfriend btw) call me weird and say that I need help, and too top it all when I asked heow he could be so cruel to me and call me those horrible names he says "no problem".

He has really hurt me this time, I'm just torn inside at his insensitive ways at the difficult time in my life

Most people will tell you to forget him, but you don't have to, you should give him options or a trial period to see how much he lies or what he does then make your decision

Louise,go back and re read all the posts on this thread..
Take a step back from this and see how other people who are objective view the situation.

You are not 'weird' you are hurt.

If anything his words should cement your resolve to rid this man from your life.

Go back to no contact,and start your life away from this misery.. im sorry to hear about your bad news,get support from your family and friends,the only way forward is to take a step forward!
This man does not want you.

This man does not love you.

This man does not respect you.

Is this the type of man you want in your life?

You deserve more then this hardship and downright disrespect.

You have to move on to preserve your own mental and emotional health.

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Originally Posted by redhed35

louise,go back and re read all the posts on this thread..
take a step back from this and see how other people who are objective view the situation.

you are not 'weird' you are hurt.

if anything his words should cement your resolve to rid this man from your life.

Go back to no contact,and start your life away from this misery..im sorry to hear about your bad news,get support from your family and friends,the only way forward is to take a step forward!
This man does not want you.

This man does not love you.

This man does not respect you.

Is this the type of man you want in your life?

You deserve more then this hardship and downright disrespect.

You have to move on to preserve your own mental and emotional health.

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Thank you for your kind words, if anyone its him that weird and needs help, its him that asking me to get back with him when he has a girlfriend, its him that always lies about everything and is a cheater. Im just so hurt, only 2 weeks ago he was saying he loved me and why could we not be together, I told him because he had a girlfriend and he said that he didn't, that they were just mates. Then I found out they were together. He just knows how to break my heart. I know for sure he will come back running to me when he is bored of the girlfriend or wants to play some more mind games with me and that's the upsetting part.

For someone who only 2 weeks ago says that they love you and want to be with you to go and turn round and call me weird and that I need help and then to add insult to injury when I said that he hurt me he didn't give a sh%t and said no problem ? Why people why would he do that to me :(:(:(

He did that to you because you let him have the power to do it.

He is slowly but surely taking every bit of self esteem you have,don't let him.

Why do people say things they don't mean,maybe he hoped you could be his bit on the side,I'm sorry that sounds harsh,but possibly true.

Stop letting him hurt you.
He has the power to hurt you,TAKE IT BACK!

I don't know how else to say it..

No contact is hard.. ive said this before,you need to heal.

Romefalls (a regular poster) said something in a thread that made a lot of sense,it went something like this, if you broke your arm would to still be able to use it,no,you would'nt,it has to heal. Your heart is broken,stop using it to make decisions,give it time to heal.

Your letting this guy take a jackhammer to an already broken heart.

Save yourself,stop thinking about the whys and what ifs..

Get outside,meet up with some friends,and try and find some peace today.
Give yourself a break from this torture.

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Originally Posted by redhed35

he did that to you because you let him have the power to do it.

He is slowly but surely taking every bit of self esteem you have,dont let him.

why do people say things they dont mean,maybe he hoped you could be his bit on the side,im sorry that sounds harsh,but possibly true.

stop letting him hurt you.
He has the power to hurt you,TAKE IT BACK!

i dont know how else to say it..

No contact is hard..ive said this before,you need to heal.

Romefalls (a regular poster) said something in a thread that made a lot of sense,it went something like this, if you broke your arm would to still be able to use it,no,you would'nt,it has to heal. your heart is broken,stop using it to make decisions,give it time to heal.

your letting this guy take a jackhammer to an already broken heart.

save yourself,stop thinking about the whys and what ifs..

get outside,meet up with some friends,and try and find some peace today.
give yourself a break from this torture.

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Just when I thought that I couldn't take anymore I get the bad news regarding family members health on Thurs, I'm rying to deal with this as well as being strong for my family. Im at my nearves end tbh, don't get me wrong, its not that I wait around for this guy, I try and get on with my life the best I can, I struggle through everyday and its hard. I don't live anymore I just merely exist. This latest news regarding my family member has just tipeed me off the edge, I don't know how much more I can take. To think that my ex just don't care what I'm going through breaks my heart

You need to realize that he has a problem and it is who he is to be a player. He may very well have loved you but it is a dysfunctional love not a healthy relationship type love.
Just because he 'loved' you doesn't mean you are obligated to a relationship with him or anyone that doesn't show you the respect you should have.
You need to find someone that DOES care and leave him in the past. Don't be co dependent on someone that isn't worth it that only makes you dysfunctional as well.
Forget about what he says or thinks. Don't waste your time dwelling on the words of an idiot.
Put your efforts into your close relationship with your family and kick him to the dust.

The fact is going by your posts he does not care.
Is there someone in your life you can talk to?

Would you consider seeing your doctor to talk things over,he may suggest some counselling.

Sometimes it not enough to seek answers from outside sources,and we need to get help from other places.

From your other posts you seem very together,there's just this one thorn in your side that is turning septic...

Your having a bad day.
Try and find a positive to this situation,think about what you have learned.
You are now in a position to share your story and help someone else.

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Originally Posted by redhed35

the fact is going by your posts he does not care.
is there someone in your life you can talk to?

would you consider seeing your doctor to talk things over,he may suggest some counselling.

sometimes it not enough to seek answers from outside sources,and we need to get help from other places.

From your other posts you seem very together,theres just this one thorn in your side that is turning septic...

your having a bad day.
try and find a positive to this situation,think about what you have learned.
you are now in a position to share your story and help someone else.

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Thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions, it hurts that he just seems to turn on me every so often. I know that he isn't a nice person and I think he is a little unstable. I do have a good life, I have lots of friends and family, a nice house, I've just managed to get myself a temporary job (that maybe going permanent) having been made redundant last year. I am highly educated with a degree and a Masters, a nice sports car, this is the only thorn in my life

Louise you sound like a good catch!

What the hell are you thinking woman!

There is a man somewhere out there looking for you,you have many positive things to bring to the table.

Heal... and when the time is right get back out there and the man who will love you,hold you,respect you NOT lie to you,is sure to see how wonderful you truly are..
And you can tell him the story of this jerk you once knew!

Quit going back for more just because he contacts you 'wanting you back'
From now on just 'click' him out when he attempts to contact you.

Some days I just don't want to get out of bed and carry on with my life, I understand that there are people out there (like my family member) who are far worse off than me. Don't get me wrong I never feel sorry for myself as I know I have many good things but I'm just so low at the moment, I really don't care if I live or die at the moment and that is a horrible feeling to be walking around with

Louise you are drowning in self pity.

Keep the no contact.

This will get better.

Go see your doctor if these feelings continue.

I know it is easy to fall into depression whenever everything seems to be going wrong. You have to get a positive outlook on life and not let things get the better of you.
I have been feeling the same way for a couple weeks now. You just get to a blah point like eating the same bland food over and over and nothing changes.

I just want the pain to stop, is that too much too ask? Maybe it is self pity, but I have not told anyone how I'm feeling. Im a very private person, people always think of me as the strong one

I don't think its necessarily self pity.
At least with me it is like I feel so stunned that I feel numbed and the numb feels crummy like I want it to stop and it just flows through me reminding me what I am trying to forget. It hurts yet its numb. Then I sit here like stunned that I am in this and can't get out, yet I just sit here.

Sorry Louise for what you going through with your family member. That is never easy! I lost my Dad in his 80's last yr, and its still tough for me. I have my Mom living with me. It's a whole different world for me. As far as your ex boyfriend, you have to move past this. He is a thorn in your side. No one deserves that treatment, especially at a time like this for you. He seems very immature and has some serious issues. We are all here to help you get through this. Don't look back, there are so many nice guys out there who would treat you with respect, and offer you so much more. Why even bother with this man, he is a waste of your time and eneregy. You sound like you have so much to offer someone, so hopefully you can find someone who will appreciate you.

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Originally Posted by sully123

Sorry Louise for what you going through with your family member. That is never easy! I lost my Dad in his 80's last yr, and its still tough for me. I have my Mom living with me. It's a whole different world for me. As far as your ex boyfriend, you have to move past this. He is a thorn in your side. No one deserves that treatment, especially at a time like this for you. He seems very immature and has some serious issues. We are all here to help you get through this. Don't look back, their are so many nice guys out there who would treat you with respect, and offer you so much more. Why even bother with this man, he is a waste of your time and eneregy. You sound like you have so much to offer someone, so hopefully you can find someone who will appreciate you.

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Again, thank you for your kind words, I'm in tears writing this now. Its good to know that there are still lots of kind people out there. Its just very hard at the moment, I'm in a new job trying to work hard and prove myself so that I can be took on permanent, whilst doing this I'm trying to keep strong due to my family issues as well as this guy treating me like a piece of dirt. Im a very very strong person and have dealt with so much over the years but right at this point in time I really don't know if I can take much more.

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Originally Posted by louiseismyname

Again, thank you for your kind words, im in tears writing this now. Its good to know that there are still lots of kind people out there. Its just very hard at the moment, im in a new job trying to work hard and prove myself so that I can be took on permenant, whilst doing this im trying to keep strong due to my family issues as well as this guy treating me like a piece of dirt. Im a very very strong person and have dealt with so much over the years but right at this point in time i really dont know if i can take much more.

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I'm feeling a little better and trying get things into perspective, I've cleaned my house from top to bottom to try and keep my mind off things. Im going to carry on NC and hopefully this will all be a bad dream somtime soon. Ive got a new phone but I just can't help putting my old sim card in my new phone to see if he has text me, I'm really trying to not do that and move on and forget him. As I've always said, I knew from the start that we could never be together due to his lying cheating ways, that's what puzzles me you see, I know he is bad news and that we could never have a future but I still love him

That's great that you are doing everything you need to do. I wish I could get motivated to clean my house top to bottom. I keep telling myself to do it and here I sit depressed and unmotivated.

The reason you still love him is because it is normal to love anybody that had a big part of your life. Girls will even say they still have strong feelings for a guy that beat them because when you are with someone you develop a bond no matter how rotten they are.
In time you will get over it enough to move on without dwelling on it.

I just feel so hurt and betrayed by this guy, to say such nasty things about me and then when I tell them how much he hurt me with his words he just turns around and says "no problem"?? What kind of a person would ever say that to someone.?

I just keep hearing his nasty words in my head over and over again, I'm working full time so keep busy during the day and try to keep busy at night but its so hard.

I just can't understand how someone who said they loved me only 2 weeks ago could be so cruel and unloving towards me at a time like this in my life, I'm devastated

Why would you let a person like that hurt you? He's an idiot, whom you don't need.

Stop giving him power over you.

Stay away from him and stop getting news about him.

Pretend he doesn't exist. Do not associate yourself with anything related to him.

Its hard but I don't have any connections with him any longer, I've changed my number and blocked him on Facebook so he can't find me (if he looks). The only contact we have is that he has a friend that knows a friend of one of my friends (if that makes sense). But hopefully that will be the end of that.

He will leave me alone for a few weeks and then one day will appear back in my life wth a text asking how I am like nothing has happened. He thinks he can treat eople this way and then walk back into there life when it suits him.

Louise, I have to say that you've gotten a lot of very helpful support and good advice. I read the whole thread and I ran across one post. I don't remember who it was at this point, but they called him the ex. He doesn't even have to be an ex. He can just be some jerk. He's a tele marketer salesperson who happens to have the scoop on you that has empowered them to be able to sell you whatever they want. Think, it's that stupid company that you mistakenly gave your bank account info out to that won't stop drawing funds even though you've told them to stop. You don't want their worthless product anymore. You didn't sign any contract. Keeping up with the NC is the same as changing your account.

You sound as though you are strong enough and not so damaged that you are not repairable from this.

I did read in one of your replies that you had been raise to be independent of anyone. Another characteristic common with independence is strength and moral to finish anything that you may have started. This Mr X sounds very insatiable. I myself am trying to recover from a similar case right now. You should take a look in the mirror and decide what you see. Do you see pretty, attractive and capable? Do you see worthless? Do you see weak and beat up? Do you see strong but beat up? Can you bare to look in the mirror? These are just the feelings and emotions that you have and feel toward yourself. I got to a point that I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror because I couldn't stand to see the weakness and unworthy that I saw. But keep up with the NC, continue to rebuild your own spirit and confidence, and what ever you do, do a little more investigation before you go and invest in another "tele marketer"
I hope I've been helpful. Good luck. ;)

I didn't even bother reading the details of your problem because the answer says it all:

He's a LIAR!

If he lies about EVERYTHING, that's usually a good sign that... he's a LIAR! You want to know why he does it? Because he doesn't respect your opinions or feelings!

You know what you should do?

BREAK UP WITH HIM!

Oh heck no girl! He's trying to be a playa and that's not going to fly. Tell him that he needs to get his head on straight before he can be with you. Your to good for that bs.

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Originally Posted by rosebud135

oh heck no girl!! hes tryin to be a playa and thats not gonna fly. tell him that he needs to get his head on straight before he can be with you. your to good for that bs.

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He don't want to be with me now, he is with his girlfriend who he was with when he asked me out and I said I can't be with you because you have a girlfriend, that's when he said to me that they are just friends!! That was another one of his lies. At the moment he don't want anything to do with me an told me to move on because he has moved on and is happy. The funny thing is that I've never asked to get back with him, I just told him I loved him but we can't be together because he has a girlfriend!!

I don't want to get back with him and never did, I just can't stop loving him for some reason :confused::confused:

I isn't sat around moping and its been 3 days of NC and I'm more than fine. The girlfriend can put up with his BS and lies now. She thinks the sun shines out of his a$$ but she will have the wake up call eventually.

The thing that hurts me is that even though he is being so nasty to me now, in a few weeks he will be back being nice and telling me that he said those nasty words in anger and how much he loves me. He thinks he can treat me like dirt and then go for a roll in the hay with his girlfriend then come back to me. Well it isn't going to happen, I'm worth more than that and will not be used by him ever again. Ive changed my phone and put the old phone on voicemail so he knows its turned off and is staying off

I'm just having a bit of a weak moment and thought that I should better come on here and vent rather than text him (I believe that's the advice you all give)
It still hurts like hell that he could say those words about me, I'm trying my best to forget and move on with my life. I wish we could just have a switch and turn our feelings off.