Is it?
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Is it?
Yes, I honestly believe that in order to move on, I need to know one way or another. Even if it is the worst, at least I would know, and know what I need to do to move on with my life. Hanging by a thread and not knowing the truth is not a fun place to be.
I know its not, I've been there and I agree with you.
So go and get the answers then..
Just be prepared that you may not get any. There aren't always answers unfortunately.
Im 7 months down and don't really have answers. You learn to live with it and you still manage to move on!
But you know what you have to do so do it! Don't let fear hold you back!
Thanks Skell! The way I look at it if I don't get answers this time around, it is actually an answer that it is over.
I think you are right.
That's what I was trying to get at all along!
I think Val gave you some very good advice and insight.Quote:
Originally Posted by bj_1964
While I think it's noble of you to want to help her and be there for her, I think that right now it may be wiser to strengthen yourself first. I don't know how helpful you can be if you're in agony over the loss of your relationship with her. I think in this instance, you need to consider putting yourself first. Once you believe you are standing strong on your own two feet, by all means, be there for her.
Well, after giving this much thought I have decided to stay with no contact for now. All the things that I want to say to her and ask her I have already done. I don't think "one more try" will do any good. Like I said in my previous posts, she says all the right things, but her actions do not back up what she is saying. From past experience my gut tells me that there is someone else she is interested in, or is thinking about dating others.
I really feel that she got scared off when she saw that I was the type of person that she was looking for. Even two years after her divorce she still has issues seeing her ex, and I think the thought of settling down again scared the **** out of her.
The sad part is I think the day will come that she wakes up and realizes what she gave up, but I am not so sure I would want to take a risk with her again after the lack of honesty over this breakup.
Mom is right, I need to put myself first, which I have started doing this week. I have quit smoking (might as well add to the stress level!) and have started working out again.
Thanks to all for you input and advice, it really did help to come up with the decision that is best for me.
Well done BJ.
Yes - no contact - I think you were there too much for this women - smothered.
Kind of having a bad night. Plans with my buddies fell through and I heard through some mutual friends she was going out dressed up for halloween tonight. Also found out that she has been seeing someone. Sounds like she has been hitting the party life pretty hard, so much for needing time to get her life in order.
I have maintained no contact and it has been over two weeks since I last heard from her. Strange the other night though, my cell phone rang for about two seconds with her number on the caller ID. It was late on Tuesday night, so my best guess is she was out again and hit my number by accident.
Still focusing on myself. Working out daily and have made it three days without smoking!
You will have bad nights. But you just have to take them in your stride. When you are call a buddy you trust and tell him. Maybe you can meet up with him for a beer (not too many though).
So she is seeing someone else already and hitting the party scene? She isn't dealing with this correctly and it will come back to bite her.
Don't worry about what other people tell you about her. Don't worry about her or what she is doing. I have made this mistake and it doesn't help YOU.
After all that is your prority now. Looking after YOU.
Keep going the way you are. You'll get through this.
Thanks Skell. I know there will be bad days but it sure doesn't make them any easier! I can't believe an eight week relationship has gotten to me almost as badly as my divorce did 10 years ago!
With her partying I am starting to wonder if our age difference did play a part. She is 32 and I am 42. I thought that 32 with two children would make for a mature person, but I guess I was wrong!
Your probably right.
I guess it is a good lesson for you then as well. That you let someone you don't really know hurt you so bad. Not so much her fault, but yours. Invested too much in her without really knowing her!
Im sure you'll come good. Just keep posting as long as you want!
Yes, I definitely take a lot of the blame in this.
Thing is she hit all the right buttons with things she said early in the relationship. She was constantly telling me how great I was with the kids and how they needed my positive influence. She also talked about having another child with me. That is a weak point for me as I have always wanted children, but it has never worked out.
I guess this is a good example of why it is important to go slow at the beginning, no matter how good or right it seems. Sad part is I was really good at going slow in the ten years since my divorce. I did have on serious relationship right after my divorce that I ended. For the last 7 years I have dated but not found anyone I wanted to get serious with until this last one.
Its OK.
We are allowed to let our guard down occosionally.it certainly doesn't appear that you were the only guilty party here though!
Let her go party. Look after yourself!
Thanks again Skell. It does help to let out my frustrations here! It's been another hard day knowing there is a Halloween party going on that I was supposed to go to with her and the kids.
You know the funny part is, the longer I go with "no contact" the more I am thinking that I may not even want her back. If she is capable of treating me this way once, she could do it again if we were ever to get back together.
"I thought that 32 with two children would make for a mature person, but I guess I was wrong!" - Dude - I know a 45 year old women with 3 kids who is totally confused and imature with men - she kind of going thorugh her wild girl stage at age 45! Because she never had one. I know it's really unhealthy on her kids - I bet this partying is really unhealthy on this ladies kids.
Well it's been over three weeks since we talked I am sticking with the "no contact" advice. Things are getting the slightest bit easier, but the weekends are still hard at times.
I know I shouldn't dwell on what she is doing, but I am still confused over her statements that she didn't want to end things and just wanted to slow down and see where the relationship would go. I am sure she is seeing someone else, so I do feel like I have been cheated on to some degree.
Strange part is her marriage ended over two years ago because she caught her ex cheating on her. We had long talks about this and I really didn't think it was in her to do the same to someone else.
Still keeping the focus on myself. Over one week of no smoking and am finally getting back into shape. I do have to admit that no contact has been good for me and I am finally starting to have some good moments and days again.
Go for you - keep upthe exercise.
Sorry to say - but it usually always is another guy. It was an alibi to say 'slow down' = I've heard it before - seen my friends go through it - at that moment you say - Ok. If she wanted to go slow she would have called.
This time for you is to get your spine back and improve.
Stay wit hthe no contact and I,prove yourself - I know for a fact divorced women need to date a lot - her self esteem was shot.
Well them good moments that you feel are attributed to the no contact (and they are) should be enough for you to continue on that path.
Who cares what she is doing! Who cares if she is seeing someone else?
Let them have her. If she is it won't. Another rebound.
You will get through it. It is hard but I think your doing a great job so far!
BJ, I'm glad to hear that you are sticking to your principals and not contacting her. I hate to say it being a woman and all, but sometimes women blurt out the stupidest things without really thinking things through. When you wrote that often you and her would talk about your future and that she wanted to have a child with you, that raised a big flag for me.
Having 2 children, a broken marriage and then saying very heavy things like I want to have a child with you after a 10 week relationship is shocking and scary all at once.
I think that the key to you maintaining strong is because you have put mind over matter. When we allow our emotions to take the reigns, we begin to struggle and get weak. Your logic is telling you that she may not be the right person at the right time, your emotions and memories of your time with her and her children are prodding you and poking you until it hurts. That's human and normal. I too believe there may be someone else involved in her life now. Try to find a different way to satisfy your emotional craving. Get involved with charities as much as you can. Maybe become a Big Brother or some other organization. You're a good guy and there are lots of people who can use your help out there.
It may get tougher during the upcoming holidays, stay focused and remember we are here for you.
Thanks Mom! You are right about how quick she was to discuss having children, settling down, etc... This talk actually started on the first date which should have sounded the alarm for me! Yes we had know each other for several years from work, but we really didn't know each other.
I am doing a little better every day. I am not too worried about the holidays, as we never spent any together to start. Actually the hardest holiday was Halloween because we had made plans.
Good idea about looking into some charities. I will give that some thought.
Well its been five weeks of NC and things are getting better. I have to say the NC does give you time to think things through more rationally without any influence from the EX. I can see now there were a lot of signs early on that I ignored.
Wildcat, I think you hit it on the head when you said her self esteem was shot from the divorce and she needed to date a lot to build it back up. I have heard that she is not only seeing someone else, but seeing three different guys at the same time! That juggling act will catch up with her.
Hearing things like that really make me see how much better off I am without her. She is not the person she portrayed herself to be at the beginning, or the person I thought she was.
Still keeping the focus on myself, still not smoking after three weeks, and working out about an hour a day. The exercise is a great way to release the built up frustrations!
It sounds like you are getting you $hit together--which is great! :p
After reading some of your recent posts--I feel sorry for this gal's kids. What are they doing while she is out partying all the time?
What kind of example is she setting?
Good luck.
" I have heard that she is not only seeing someone else, but seeing three different guys at the same time!" - not surprised - I sure she is 1000 % confused. They need this for themselves esteem.
"That juggling act will catch up with her." - believe me it will - it's really unhealthy on her and her kids at this point.
I think now you would never want her back.
A lot of divorced women do this - they may date for 5 years - many, many men. With zero to show for it except massive confusion on everyone invovled.
Go find a nice healthy gal that wants to actually work o nthings.
Would spread the love CAT but couldn't. ;)
Ya, this gal is EXTREMELY insecure that she needs this many men or thinking she needs these men to feel good.
Again, POOR kids--I have seen kids in these situations and absolutely hate it. ERRRRRR.
These children are going to grow up very confused and feel they need to be this way to be happy. That sucks. Another family cycle that will not be broken.
Leave this lady be or you are going to be caught up in a whirl wind of problems.
BIM - I can't rep you either - BUT YES... I've seen this as well - kids that are a MESS!!
It screws the kids up in their adult relationships big time and the process starts all over again.
BIM and CAT, thanks for the feedback. You pretty much validated the same things I have been thinking. You know I think I have hit the point where I actually miss being with her kids more than I miss being with her!
As much as I hate to say this--there is nothing you can do for her children.
You were just a boyfriend and you will not be able to save them from this destructive cycle. It is soooo sad. :mad:
It's really sad - same thing happened to me a while ago. You could just tell her parents screwed her up, and her divorce and terrible decisions with men were screwing up her kids big time. The kids were a mess.
It sad, I wante to help her, but couldn't - she only knew one way.
Yes, it does hurt, but I realize there is nothing I can do to help the kids.
This whole situation is so sad. Like I said in previous posts, I had know her for about 8 years prior to dating. I waited until about 2 1/2 years after her divorce to ask her out, as I thought she was getting it together. I think that her losing her job set her back causing her self esteem to crash again.
I guess it was good this happened now, before I invested any more time in the relationship. Life is full of setbacks, and she obviously does not deal with them well. If she hadn't lost her job, I am sure some other disaster would have set her back at some point.
Losing a job can be like a death in the family.
You know how screwed up she is when you were there for her then - and then she poops on.
Just make sure to look at this with booth eyes open.
And you can not ever tell her how to bring up her kids for no. You will really push her away.
I didn't realize you had nown her for that long. Was there any other inconsistencies you can now recall, that maybe you can look for going forward?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wildcat21
Yes, we worked at the same large company, in different departments. We would work together occasionally on projects. I did know her fairly well, but not real well.
She came out of an abusive relationship with her ex husband (both verbal and physical). She had dated him since high school and was married at 18. I am sure part of this is that she never had that "wild time" prior to marriage.
There were some inconsistencies early in the relationship that I ignored. She had made the comment to me once that she was "a big flirt" but not to worry because she was a one man woman. There were a couple of times we were out with friends that her "flirting" was a little much for someone who is in a committed relationship. Again, I think it all boils down to the insecurity, and the more guys attention she can get, the better for her ego. It is really too bad because deep down I saw the side that wanted a secure healthy relationship, but the insecurity with herself costs her the very thing she wants.
Yes, I definitely feel "pooped on"! It was a tough situation for me a work, being in a management position. Her co-workers and friends kept coming to me, and I felt caught between supporting her and the company. I really had to walk a fine line at work and not comment at all about the situation, and at the same time help her to out with things like collecting unemployment. To make matters worse, one of my best friends was her superior and was the one to fire her!Quote:
Originally Posted by Wildcat21
I also went out of my way to help her out without giving her cash (which she wouldn't accept). I would take her and the kids out to eat, movies, etc...
Two days before wanting to "slow down" she told me how much I meant to her and how she never would have made it through losing her job without me. Two days later, the poop started!
It's very hard when children are involved (you need to understand that) she maybe thinking what if this doesn't work out and that children are attached to him and thinking on how hard that is. Not have money-is a very stressful thing in itself. My opinion let you know you are there to help her, but give her some space to work things out. If you push too much you may lose her. I have a couple of friends going threw a divorce and trying to start over in a relationship and taking it slow is the best thing to do, even if you feel your heading nowhere.Quote:
Originally Posted by bj_1964
"She came out of an abusive relationship with her ex husband (both verbal and physical). She had dated him since high school and was married at 18. I am sure part of this is that she never had that "wild time" prior to marriage."
Wow Dude - more comes out! The abuse can be horrible - this lady is so confused. I knew a lady who was in 15 year abusive relationship. So mixed up - so screwed up. The abuse can be life damaging.
The wild girl satge is pretty important to most women - again I know another gal who had a mid-life crisis at 40 because she never had her wild girl stage. 5 years of it.
I identify with the reasons for a wild stage. I believe most go trough this period hopefully while they are young. I started my wild GUY stage at 17 and did not finish until 22. Now at 26, I am confident that I have matured a great deal and glad that I experienced it well before 30.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wildcat21
I think it is part of growing up but then again, some need it, some don't..
Sorry for drifting off the point slightly here bj..
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wildcat21
Wildcat,
It's amazing how I can see more and more of the truth as to what kind of person she really was. Another benefit of five weeks of NC.
So why is it, even when I can see that it was not as good as I thought it was, there is still a part of me hoping to hear from her. The rational side of me thinks I am lucky that this side of her came out after only 7 weeks. The irrational side still see's the good person she portrayed herself to be early in the relationship.
I have never seen such a split in behavior in any woman before. At first she was all about wanting to settle down, do family things with the kids, etc.. Now it seems to be all about the party life and getting attention from the guys.
That's why you take it real slow and get to know who it is you give your heart to.
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