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Originally Posted by Justwantfair

You are doing well. Just keep in mind, this time is about you. It isn't helpful to you, but fairly human, to continue to dwell on the 'what if's'.

What new things have you found to do that you enjoy that you haven't done in a long time?

What new hobbies? Sports? Summer events? Leagues?

Getting out there and meeting new people will greatly help with the dwelling on the situation.

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I guess you would say I am hopeful. Kind of strange, but I was doing laundry last night and ran across some clothes she left behind. Got to decide if I should through them out, or box them up with the mail she still has coming to my place.

As for activities, I have been hanging out with some of my old friends, that I had cut off while her and I were dating. She never made me do that, but we usually always hung out with her friends. I plan on going out with some friends hiking. Otherwise, I have the rest of this week of my summer course to complete, after that mainly work. I enjoy what I do, and work with some good people.

As for getting out there and meeting new people, some of my college friends have been taking me with them to some parties, though I always feel out of place, because I am almost 22, and the majority of the people at these parties are under 21.

Do some volunteer work. I found that helping others puts some perspective on just how trivial my problems really are.

Just my two cents... I always felt that being friends was always a consolation prise. Akin to you can never go back. I felt if I am not good enough to date, then you must feel I am not good enough to be a friend.

With that said, I am still friend with some x boyfriends of 25+ years. But it was a long time in coming. Really distance yourself until you just have a passing thought of "I wonder what ever happened to so and so" and then see if you can be friends.

Also, I read somewhere that when one person in a commitment does something like this, they always trade down, they never trade up.

Hope all this helps. I am sorry you are going through this.

Sylvan

Why would someone trade down? I would think that if you are going to leave a deeply committed relationship, you would want to go from something that is good, to something that is great...

If she did trade down, wouldn't she realize that, and want to fix her mistake?

As for being friends, this is the longest relationship that I have ever been in. she was in every aspect of my life, I don't think I could ever look at her the same way. I also think it would show more if she contacted me, don't you think?

It's good to know when you are posting to deaf ears.

If you are only looking to hear what you want to hear, then why don't you tell us what you would like us to say...

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Originally Posted by Justwantfair

It's good to know when you are posting to deaf ears.

If you are only looking to hear what you want to hear, then why don't you tell us what you would like us to say...

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Nope, looking to hear some others points of view, and advice of maybe how to fix this.
I have been following the NC, and have been staying busy with work, school, and friends. Other than doing the things for myself there really isn't much more I can do to change the situation at hand. I have played all my cards, now its just time to wait.

What I would really like is to be able to know what she is thinking, which unless someone hear is a mind reader or an interrogator, I won't know anything, lol

But that is what my first post was.

You are not benefiting yourself to dwell and wonder. You won't get answers and other perspectives just lead to guessing.

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Originally Posted by AKeagle

she was in every aspect of my life

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That's a problem, while being in a relationship is all well and fine. Making that person your life, is not. You both need outside lives or you will begin to resent one another. A relationship is like a friendship, I had friends that I would be with all the time, which we would end up fighting a lot. Now you know you need a healthy balance, anybody will tell you that.

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Originally Posted by AKeagle

i also think it would show more if she contacted me, don't you think?

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Nope, it would show that she feels guilty. I can assure you the call would be something along these lines

Her: I just was calling to see how you were doing(stupid question if you ask me)
You: I'm okay
Her: I didn't mean to hurt you and I am sorry if I did(she knows she hurt you, she's just trying to ease her own guilty)
You: I know what happened in our relationship and I want to fix it.

Then it just goes downhill from there.

My situation was similar to yours. My ex of 4 years left me for another guy in what seemed to be a short period (a couple of weeks). She was my first love and my first heartbreak. I'm still dealing with some things even 6 months down the road. However, I've been proactive and keeping myself busy with things I want to do. I can go out and hang out with whomever I want, when I want, and do whatever I want, without out her getting mad.

You need to get busy with your life. Fill all of your time with things you like to do and friends.

She will not disappear from your life forever. My ex is the most strong willed and stubborn person I know. I was NOT the first person she dumped and yet every few months I get a phone call from her to catch up. She still wants to be friends... but as long as I still harbor feelings for her, a friendship will never work. If you ever have been stuck in the Friends Zone with someone you like, you know how it is. If you still have feelings for her, any friendship you form will be compromised because you will ALWAYS want to be something more than friends.

I think the whole trade down thing is true. My example is perfect. She left me for someone who doesn't have a job, lives 400 miles away, and according to most of her friends is a "skinny, loser" and I was so much better.

When a person dumps someone and immediately runs to someone else, they usually do it out of emotion and fear of being alone. This can definitely cloud their thoughts and result in the "trade down".

However, knowing this maybe the case for you as well, there is still nothing you can/should do to get her back. She has to make that decision on her own, with out your influence. She has to want to come back.

If she contacts you, it's your choice to respond. If you do respond, be mature, polite, and friendly. Do not confuse her action of contacting you with hope that she wants to come back...chances are she doesn't. She will just want to see "how you are doing" to sooth her guilt of kicking you to the curb.

As far as wanting to know ANYTHING about her current guy and her new love life I have to say... IGNORANCE IS BLISS!!

Anything you hear about her and him will tear you apart. I know this from experience. Do not ask questions that may have answers that you do not want to hear. As a matter of fact, DON'T ASK HER ANYTHING.

This is the time where you must implement NC and start healing. It will be hard, but you have to do it.

Remember, she knows how you feel. She made her choice in spite of that. She is with someone else, so anything you do right now to get her back will be futile.

You are in charge of your life and the way you handle things now will allow you to learn a lot about yourself.

It's not adversity that makes us who we are... it's how we handle adversity that makes us who we are.

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Her: I just was calling to see how you were doing(stupid question if you ask me)
You: I'm okay
Her: I didn't mean to hurt you and I am sorry if I did(she knows she hurt you, she's just trying to ease her own guilty)
You: I know what happened in our relationship and I want to fix it.

Then it just goes downhill from there.

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I have been the her in this scenerio.

I did it to appease my guilt and to ensure that I still had the upper hand... I was still in control and the break up was still my choice.

Romefalls19

If she ever did call I would think the best thing to do is talk about something other than us, unless she starts. In which case, I just shut my mouth and listen. (if she called me, it would be for a reason, let her talk)

Are you saying to not take any communication from her?

That's EXACTLY what I am saying. My ex would call me everyday after the break up, every night it would be the same story "I don't know if this is what I want, but it feels right" And then apologizing for hurting me.

After a week of these mind games, I deleted her number, myspace and everything that I had up about her. For every picture I had on my wall, a new motivational quote when up in it's place. I got into the gym, got toned and bigger. Felt good about myself, kept going NC, even worked with her and for 5 months, no talking. I met a terrific woman, got engaged and are now to be wed on June 26 2010.

My ex, still calls occasionally asking for another chance. I have learned that the past is that, a sunken old ship. No matter how many times you raise it, it will still sink and never be the same again.

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Originally Posted by AKeagle

romefalls19

if she ever did call i would think the best thing to do is talk about something other than us, unless she starts. in which case, i just shut my mouth and listen. (if she called me, it would be for a reason, let her talk)

are you saying to not take any communication from her?

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Know this, every time you communicate with your ex following a break up, you lose all of the progress gained through no contact, you will be back to two minutes following the initial break up and all of the feelings will be fresh and painful and the contact will be more hurtful than healing for you.

You won't have answers to your questions, in fact you will question everything even more, because you are bound to confront these issues in contact. Right now, you have to avoid all communication (THE HARDEST PART OF NO CONTACT) like a plague. You are not ready for communication and won't be ready for a long time.

To be truthful AK, once you stop all contact, heal, and get all of the emotions out, you probably won't even have a desire to contact your ex. It is amazing what rational thinking does to you! I know I have no desire to contact my ex... took me awhile to get like that, but it was well worth it.

I won't contact her. But if she contacts me...

Do I just ignore all contact from her, and till when? I understand that I am not ready to communicated with her now, but there is only so many calls I ignore, and VM's that I can listen to, till I have to take one, right?

(we still have one more end to tie, we have to get my name off our joint account, I am kind of stalling, trying to keep to the NC, and hoping that she will just close the account and take the money.

That's the benefit of voice mails. You can press 7 at any time. Or if you're like me, I let my voice mails back up and just don't listen to them. Too much effort to check them

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Originally Posted by AKeagle

i won't contact her. but if she contacts me.......

do i just ignore all contact from her, and till when?

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Until you can stop having to ask this question...

Honestly, I got a feeling that if I ignore her for so long, she is liable to show up on my door step... (she knows where I live, and work)

I am still renting the place for another 7 months, then planning on moving, unless I can find another room mate

Then fine, at lease then she put some effort into walking to your place of living. No offense, but if someone broke up with me and wanted to work things out, it better be face to face because the phone is to impersonal for me.

You ignore her contact, you don't listen to voicemails and if possible you change your phone number all together. You don't ever answer you aren't ready, you won't be ready for a long time.

You have had a week, you haven't started this the right way and this will be painful but I think now you plan how to do all of the final things so there are no longer any final strings without her. Close the account yourself, if the money is hers, put it in your box, if not split the funds... however is fair. Box up the mail and any and all of her things that are remaining in the house. Drive them to her parents (unless that is where she is staying) and leave them there for her. Tell her parents that her mail needs to be forwarded to her new address immediately.

No joke, I hate it when people try to talk to me through text when it is something important, so much easier to pick up the phone and say what needs to be said and be done with that.

Same concept, different scenario

How could I have started this the right way?

As for the account, I don't need the money from it, and she is able to close it without me being there. She can't close it with a negative balance, so my credit can't be affected. And she can't get her name off the account without me. The only reason I don't want to close the account is because she has bill that are paid from them and deposited, so I don't want her to think I am trying to steal from her.

Had to spread the rep justy, but that's exactly what he needs to do.

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There really isn't much more I can do to change the situation at hand. I have played all my cards, now its just time to wait.

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Stop stalling and get busy is what you can do. Waiting is for people who have a bus to catch, not those who are serious about building a life that you enjoy without the one who dumped you.

I love the bus quote. I'm going to have to find a situation that I can use it in.

I said it as a way to motivate you to get busy, and be proactive in your healing, and handle your business, with the bank by taking YOUR name off, and forwarding her mail, just to name a few things you can do.

Talaniman Rule- When a relationship is over, never wait for an ex to tell you what to do next. That works for them, not you. DO FOR YOURSELF.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

I said it as a way to motivate you to get busy, and be proactive in your healing, and handle your business, with the bank by taking YOUR name off, and forwarding her mail, just to name a few things you can do.

Talaniman Rule- When a relationship is over, never wait for an ex to tell you what to do next. That works for them, not you. DO FOR YOURSELF.

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I don't know where to forward her mail to. And to take my name off the account I would have to break no contact. I don't use the account for anything.

Then do everything else on my list. When you go to her parents, tell them also to have her close out the account. Let her parents tell her to forward her mail or they can forward it for her.

Get her things and any ties for connection out of your life. You have to move on. Keeping her things and these connections are just your final ties for your excuse to maintain contact.

Wow man,
Your situation is very similar to mine. I was with my ex for 3 years when she broke off with me ( there was no "spark" and I didn't want to see her family in France ) and she dumped me for another guy. This guy is returning to France soon so I don't even know why she wants to date him.

Most important thing is NO CONTACT at all. Don't give her another chance, move on with your life. Trust me I was exactly in your place 1 month ago. I went to Europe, meet a wonderful girl who lives near my place, lost weight... life seems much better now.

You WILL find someone else, but you need to let go of her and tell her you don't want any contact, as hard as it is. Anyhow good luck and don't think about returning with her.

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Originally Posted by paxe

Wow man,
your situation is very similar to mine. I was with my ex for 3 years when she broke off with me ( there was no "spark" and I didn't want to see her family in France ) and she dumped me for another guy. This guy is returning to France soon so I don't even know why she wants to date him.

Most important thing is NO CONTACT at all. Don't give her another chance, move on with your life. Trust me I was exactly in your place 1 month ago. I went to Europe, meet a wonderful girl who lives near my place, lost weight... life seems much better now.

You WILL find someone else, but you need to let go of her and tell her you don't want any contact, as hard as it is. Anyhow good luck and don't think about returning with her.

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Yeah, she kept saying the spark is gone, and that we weren't going anywhere(marriage). But also said that part of her feels that she is making a mistake. The marriage thing, is complete crap, we talked about it, but I wanted both her and I to be out of college and in a career, which I think is completely logical way to start a life.

Hey man,
My ex told me the same thing that she was probably doing a mistake bla bla bla that she doesn't want me to get hurt. The fact is that if she really loved you she wouldn't have left you. I understand your pain completely but trust me on this one, you do NOT want her back. The marriage is just an excuse.

I am not sure what you are doing right now or if you are still on No Contact, but she is doing you a favor in dumping you. When my ex dumped me, I decided to go to Europe and I meet one super women there, and 2 others are chasing me back home and the women are much more interested in me ( I've been working out a lot and showing a lot of energy ).

So keep working out or do whatever you do to keep you occupied and before you know it you'll feel much better. And don't tell yourself that she is the one as she isn't and there is plenty of other girls out there that are much better. Are you still in contact with her?

paxe

Yeah still doing no contact, be doing that since she came by the get the last of her stuff last Thursday, and I plan on keeping to that.

I agree with her doing me a favor(kinda), the more time passes, I see more aspects of the relationship which made me unhappy, I'm kind of shocked I never ended it. I always thought that whatever problems we had, we would work through them

Exactly the same situation I was in! Since it was my first relationship I was always asking myself how it would be with someone else ( sexually or else ) and from time to time I was asking myself if it was really this women I wanted to spend my time with.

The feelings you have right now are feelings of emptiness, which is completely normal. Think of it this way, do you really want to pass the rest of your life with someone who doesn't cherish you with all their hearth and who can't work out the problems together? I don't think so.

There is millions of guys and women who have passed by exactly the same path as you and it's all part of growing up. I hope you are training, taking time for yourself and hanging out with friends right now. Time does help you heal faster than you think.

And don't let her contact you in any way, she will only try to string you along and it will just hurt you more. You have to take the decision of no contact, so that means that you shouldn't answer to her emails, calls, sms... And don't think of getting back together with her...

I think the real thing about marriage was that her family kept asking her about it, so they were always pressuring her about it. I didn't like that, I feel that when people are in a relationship other people should have no opinion about what goes on between it, unless it is abusive, which it wasn't.

Did your ex ever try to contact you?

Well as a parent I can tell you that when your daughter is shacking up with a guy, the parents are going to want to know if there will be a marriage. It cost the same amount to live together married or single. So if you're not ready for a marriage you're not ready to shack up. JMHO. So I can understand her parents concern.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Well as a parent I can tell you that when your daughter is shacking up with a guy, the parents are going to want to know if there will be a marriage. It cost the same amount to live together married or single. So if you're not ready for a marriage you're not ready to shack up. JMHO. So I can understand her parents concern.

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No, her parents had been on her about it for the last two years alteast, we hve only lived together for the last year.

Parents of a daughter (especially) are going to want to know. Especially if they know their daughter may be having sex, it is a natural concern.
At any rate, get on with your life without her. She has grown in a different direction. It happens
It's a good thing you didn't marry, you need the time to explore. You two spent your teenage years together. You need to know who you are as adults.

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Originally Posted by AKeagle

I think the real thing about marriage was that her family kept asking her about it, so they were always pressuring her about it. I didn't like that, I feel that when people are in a relationship other people should have no opinion about what goes on between it, unless it is abusive, which it wasn't.

Did your ex ever try to contact you?

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Oh yes, plenty of time. This is why I took so long to heal. Basically while she was with this other guy she wanted to "stay" friends or she was saying that she wasn't sure about her decision. It went on and off for 2 month ( we even got back together for 2 days, but it didn't work out ). 3 month later it still hurts a bit but much less, and she still wants us to stay friend but I don't think I can stay friend with her (it's tough we have the same group of friends). And this is why I tell you not to let her contact you, you'll just end up hurting much more.

As for the marriage, you are WAY too young to get married. My ex wanted something similar. If you are not ready for that then you should not commit to that. 20 years later it will just end up in a divorce, with kids being torned apart. This is why it is important to have several relationship and take our time.

It seems you are hoping for her to call back, just let it go. Your heart may tell you that you want to go back, but this is the time to listen to your brain and take some time off. Don't get weak :D

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Originally Posted by paxe

As for the marriage, you are WAY too young to get married. My ex wanted something similar. If you are not ready for that then you should not commit to that. 20 years later it will just end up in a divorce, with kids being torned apart. This is why it is important to have several relationship and take our time.

It seems you are hoping for her to call back, just let it go. Your heart may tell you that you want to go back, but this is the time to listen to your brain and take some time off. Don't get weak :D

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I completely agree about re marriage thing, and voices that to her. I thought we both understood that.

I apart of me want her to try and contact me. But I know that it wouldn't work, unless she is willing to lay stuff out and work through it. Which I don't think she wants to do that kind of work if she came back. I think she would just want to come back and act like nothing happened and go back to what we were before all this(which is not possible)

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Originally Posted by AKeagle

I completely agree about re marriage thing, and voices that to her. I thought we both understood that.

I apart of me want her to try and contact me. But I know that it wouldn't work, unless she is willing to lay stuff out and work through it. Which I don't think she wants to do that kind of work if she came back. I think she would just want to come back and act like nothing happened and go back to what we were before all this(which is not possible)

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Yea that's your problem. You see, as long as you have this hope of her contacting you and working things out with you, you are leaving yourself vulnerable and you won't heal like that. I knew you were in this situation, I was in the same one exactly. Now you know that it won't work out between you, so get those feelings and thoughts out of your system. I would have turned much better if I had all this said to me before. Trust me on this one. Is she trying to contact you? You said she was living with a guy with whom she was having feelings, she is only telling half the story, either she kissed him or she slept with him. Could you trust her again with that?

She is not contacting him. She is done. He is the one holding on. She left him. He needs to accept that and move on, not play the blame game or find fault wiith her.

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Originally Posted by paxe

Yea that's your problem. You see, as long as you have this hope of her contacting you and working things out with you, you are leaving yourself vulnerable and you won't heal like that. I knew you were in this situation, I was in the same one exactly. Now you know that it won't work out between you, so get those feelings and thoughts out of your system. I would have turned much better if I had all this said to me before. Trust me on this one. Is she trying to contact you? You said she was living with a guy with whom she was having feelings, she is only telling half the story, either she kissed him or she slept with him. Could you trust her again with that?

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She admitted to kissing him, and no she hasn't tried to contact me yet, but it has only been 6 days. She has found new housing somewhere than with her family, renting a room somewhere near her work