Hey inertia,
Only reason I mention the last line is because it sounds as if the person leaving is making a mistake.
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Hey inertia,
Only reason I mention the last line is because it sounds as if the person leaving is making a mistake.
I think until you have been through the experience of dumping someone, who loves you, then its hard to understand that it sucks to dump someone, also.
It most certainly does (I have). Although the guilt of hurting her slowly eroded into resentment when she wouldn't take no for an answer. I had to change my phone number to cut those ties. I also stayed single for a year because I didn't have the energy for a relationship (having given it all that I could). Having said that, getting dumped is what hurts the fragile ego. Dumping is stressful because you don't want to inflict pain on someone you care about (especially knowing how that pain feels). Not once though, did I attempt to keep her around to prevent loneliness. Worked out in her favor, she moved on pretty quickly and is happily married.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
If they are trying to keep you around on a leash, then making a mistake letting you go is a concern of theirs. If they haven't completely left your life despite ending the "committed" relationship then I think it's important to finalize the deal. Maybe next time, if they aren't sure, they will communicate a bit more with their partner realizing that breaking up with someone is indeed a permanent solution and not a temporary reprieve. I'm really only addressing the dumpers who give mixed signals. Yes, they are confused, but they are tormenting someone who loves them deeply. That's the mistake. Be sure you want to end it before you end it.Quote:
Originally Posted by BMI
Wonderful. When put like that I have no objection inertia, thanks for the thoughtful posts.
(Why am I so talkative today?)
Here is a fundamental difference between people such as myself and a lot of our exes. The kind of exes that bring people to this board.
If I don't love someone anymore, I don't want them to love me.
If a girl is interested in me and I'm not, I gently close myself off to them a little bit. Yeah, it sucks to act a little cold, but they seem to forget pretty quickly and I don't have to feel guilty for leading them on.
Why do some people need to cultivate the opposite sex's attraction even though they aren't interested? Why tease? I'm no talking about harmless flirting. I'm talking about someone developing true romantic feelings. You can tell when those eyes change. I actually get just a little mean until those eyes go back to normal (again, when I'm not interested). Am I the weird one?
After being dumped a few times, I started seeing, it was me that was allowing them to live rent free in my head and heart, and putting up with their BS.
It still sucked, but I learned the hard way.
It sometimes takes a while to see through the BS though. I'm a pretty observant person, but I have been fooled on more than one occasion. Years ago (like 10), I was infatuated with a girl who called me 3 times a day. Spent the night several times a week (no sex because I wanted a commitment first(I was idealistic)). Listened to "you're the most important person in my life", "let's get married if we are still single at 30", "you're everything I'm looking for" etc. She had a million reasons for why we couldn't be a "couple". All seemed understandable at the time, (in my youthful ignorance I thought, why would a girl say this stuff if it wasn't true?). I wasn't needy or anything, didn't ask for those kinds of promises. I was just a good listener, fun to be around and I wasn't demanding anything from her. Turns out, I was a rebound. After 3 months, she started getting serious with someone else. I still hear about her (same college friends). She still refers to me as one of her best friends from college, which 10 years ago would have insulted me, but I have long since forgotten how much I think it really hurt me to be used like that. I recovered pretty quickly as 3 months isn't long at all, but I remember the lesson well. Unfortunately, Every new girl brings a new lesson. I'm either relationship retarded or it's the steepest learning curve of all time.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I think that it's pretty steep! But that depends on how compatible you are too, as some people get lucky within a couple of relationships.Quote:
Originally Posted by inertia
I always find it hard to break up with people that I've cared about & loved before. I think that it's much harder to be the dumpee though, especially if it was a surprise and you really thought that you had something good going. Or the communication was plain poor, and the relationship may have lasted if you were both less naïve.
Looking back, I have a lot more respect for the ex's that I've dumped who've stayed NC after the relationship. I've even become vague friends with them again, and we can have quite amicable conversations. It'll never become a "proper" friendship though, as there is that history there, and the defenses will probably always be there.
I don't think that being "friends" straight after a relationship ends helps anyone to move on, on either side. If one rebounds, then it'll always hurt the other person, no matter what the dumping situation. Frienship can be achieved later on though, but really only when both sides have healed, and both sides what to keep that contact alive.
I understand where all of you are coming from but I'll think I'll try something different and see how the story ends. I'm sure I can look after myself even though it may hurt at times. And I'll get back to this and see if it worked just being friends with her. See, if she'll come back around in time.
Threads merged
I thought I'll keep up an online diary here. Maybe, it'll make me feel better.
People can reply if they want.
Summing up the last 3 weeks:
4th July, 2009
We broke up 3 weeks ago and it's been a mess ever since. I've had major bipolar moments and it's all cause I don't know how to cope with the break up. Every time, I see her or talk to her, I end up talking about our relationship and why we had to be this way.
She explained every time but I know it's becoming a every day thing and I'm sure she's sick of it. She tries and sees me every time. I saw her yesterday. We laughed and made jokes till I went on my emotional rollercoaster and started going at her again. I've said so many goodbyes to her but I keep running back. She's tried to stop me every time but yesterdays argument was off the hook. I said goodbye, msged her goodbye but end up asking for a chance to build this friendship again cause I want to try the whole friendship way. Maybe she'll see a change in me and come back around. Sometimes, it's not even the hope of having her back cause I don't feel nothing of that right now. Just want to be friends. I've msged her 3 times and she hasn't replied. We planned to play video games this week so I hope that's still happening. Maybe, this time around I won't bring up the whole relationship and show her I can be the person I used to be. The good thing last night was I could able to sleep without getting on the phone to anyone. It was a first night/time. Im learning to live with myself :) instead of finding comfort in girls.
This is a great idea. Great way to vent. Great way to let those feelings out in a positive way.
Good job!
Keep us posted:)
Sarah
The fact that you guys are still hanging out/seeing each other is going to make it 10 times harder to get over her. My ex and I, after being together for over 4 years, still hung out together after we broke up. It made for very confusing times. We got back together once because we thought that's what we wanted. It didn't work out because obviously nothing had changed. Things were still the same. We left each other alone for a while. Kept conversation very casual when we were hanging out in our group of friends. It is possible to move on, but in order to do that you need to put quite a bit of distance between the two of you. My ex and I are friends now, but we couldn't have done that if hadn't gotten over one another first. Definitely keep us posted though. The online diary is a good idea.
Another thing to take into consideration is... no one really know what might happen in the future, staying NC or not... it doesn't really tell anyone what's going to happen. It's pretty much like a half time game... you played the first half and now it's the 'break" where we all go our ways to improve ourselves and maybe one day get back together for 2nd half and hope that is it. All the suggestion here are great and yea NC is to work on yourself and no one else but you. And yea it doesn't mean to cut off all connection, feelings might be there... but either way no point of worrying too much about it (and yea I know it hurts like hell) cause everything happens for a reason. We make our own choice and our own happiness, but coming together into one relationship is sharing each others' happiness together.
Just curiosity does this even happen to anyone... where let's say maybe person A is confused, doesn't really know what he/she wants and ends the relationship with person B but comes back (let say the next day or few days later). During these few weeks, Person B seems like things changed [like let say uhh not really communicating (since it's usually the problem)] and the best thing is to just let Person A go, *not for Person B sake* but to make things easier for Person A so Person A won't feel so confused on choices and possibility a better choice for both parties... Pretty much what I'm saying its more like a mutual break up than what exactly happens than? Like breaking up with someone you truly love just to make that person life choice easier... u know sacrificing yourself for the one you love. (something like that) Would staying as friends be a better choice.. but still have NC for awhile? Or it just too much of fairy tale lol
I do agree after a period of NC... things are just the way it is cause both parties don't want to do anything about it... "Letting go is hard, but holding on to something is even harder" ^^ And yea who really knows what might happen in the future... only way to tell is let time do it's thing and see through it... no point of giving up or letting go so just let life flow and let everything fall in it's place.
This is me today on MSN to her
:
Julio [Heaven please wait a while. I need this girl here with me.] says:
You didn't reply
Wasted 50 cents
Copycat just cause my status is busy
Julio [Did I mean anything to you? Or was I just something you did to pass the time?] says:
*coughsss
Hello?
Dingdingding
Dingding
Now, its getting colddd
Today was nice
Nice weather and all
I'm thirsty
I had 3 hot dogs today
What movie did you watch last night? I watched April fool
So lamee and so old
3 hot dogs were nice, a lot of mustard and tomato sauce
How was your day? Mine was alrigh
You look stunning in your dp. Did I ever tell you that?
Nah didn't think so
My hands are cold , its frozen
Let me guess you're putting your $500 as a useful source and playing word challenge now?
I need to wash my hair
I will not run out of things to say ><
Hi...
Yes $500, I'm talking about your glasses
Why is that I try talk normally and you don't talk back?
I think you are an example of why N/C is recommended. It seems like you are in some sort of denial phase. I've read your other posts and I am quite confused as to what your story really is. Here is the post from your Online Diary.Quote:
Originally Posted by jlove09
Please let us know if your method is working for you.Quote:
Originally Posted by jlove09
Yes, our story is scattered everywhere and nobody could catch up. I sent her 40 or so question mark text messages. 3 with how much I miss her and one is a goodbye =\ Its bad, I know. I've learnt my lesson. I got annoyed cause she didn't reply to my text message that day, came on MSN wouldn't talk to me while I confessed her everything, she goes to work and she calls me for like 20 seconds to see what I was doing, she comes home and she's on MSN. Her name kept changing to "I love him, i want him, i wanna see him tonight." I took it calmly. I didn't want to jump into conclusions since it could have been about me. Shw wouldn't tell me who it was about. She says she hasn't seen anyone or interested in anyone. Next day, I msged. She just told me she was out and why would she need a ride home. That night I asked her what she was doing, she said she was drunk as. I asked what she had and she said secret, I don't know, some boys gave it to me. I reacted calmly and she called me 7 times but all I heard was music, then she msged me after it asking if she called me, I said I don't know have u and she said she doesn't know but when she checked her phone it was ringing me... I said OK. Later that night I said gnight and if she needs anything to gimme a call and tc. Today, I asked her to come out but she didn't want to cause she had work later on so I yet again asked her what she wanted, she wouldn't answer me till an hour later where I was still naggin her about giving me a straight answer. A ; I only like you as a friend and nothing more. B ; I like you but just want to be friends now. IT took her a while to answer but she finally did and the answer was A. I took it well, I was happy and talkative. Started talking to her as normal friends, first she was chatting a bit but slow replies then she fully stopped talking. Her msn name is iy0u which would be love, like or miss. Whatever it is. I don't know who its for. She seems really confused but Im happy. It was my last straw and she said A so I'm going to trea her as a friend and stay that way. Even if she was seeing someone else which I doubt, I would be happy for her. So, I'm at the stage where I like her but still can let her go :) Which is great. We may get together in the future but surely for now and Im not holding on any hope or rope.
It's nice that you think you are okay with being friends with her... but you AREN'T okay. You don't text a friend 40 times, you don't obsess about what they are doing all the time and analyze everything they do. You aren't ready to be friends! Unless you have some magical light switch in which you can turn your feelings on and off, you aren't over anything and you cannot emotionally put yourself in such a position. And what you don't realize, is that to your EX, all of this makes you look WORSE. Think of how attractive someone might seem to you when they are texting you all the time, asking what you are doing, asking the status of your "relationship", etc. It's a complete and utter turnoff, even as a friend!
The way you describe everything just proves how important NC is. You may think it's being pushed, but it's a good thing to do REGARDLESS of whether you want to be with someone or not. Making yourself seem needy and obsessing makes you unattractive in the other party's eyes. Usually it is "pushed" because all of us have been through the "oh I can be friends with them" stage and have been torn up emotionally and mentally because of it. It's to encourage people like you to not go through the hurt and anguish that we went through.
I think you are saying all these things, but you don't believe them yourself. You say you are fine with her seeing other people, but from the way you depict things, you are not. You mentioned twice that you don't think she is seeing someone. Why would you even write that if you didn't indeed care?
Here's a thought... if you think you can let her go, then try it for a week/two weeks. It's hard to give advice to people who aren't receptive... usually it's just to reinforce their own feelings on the matter and that is it.
If your not happy that your ex is with someone else, then your not healed. Anything else is you lying to yourself.
That means that friends thing takes a back seat, and you get a lot less attention, and that will drive you crazy, if your not healed enough.
Believe it or not, your only fooling yourself. But I can understand it, I learned the hard way, as most of us here have. You probably will too, as misery, and pain, is one heckuva teacher. But NO CONTACT, will help you make better decisions for yourself, and deal with reality, not fantasy.
WHAT! LOL. I'm over obsessing and texting her. I asked her to come out for a bit today but she organised something so I said its cool then she tells me she'll still see me but her friends want to come along as well so I said nah its OK, Ive already plans and Im out and she's pissd off now but I don't care. I can control myself from msging or talking to her now :)
Ps: She seems really confused. When I talk about a girl, she asks me why Im telling her this and she just go crazy. Then we talk normally and we're okay but she then gives me slow replies. I think a part of her wants and loves me but the other is so focused on what we had before, she's scared and she knows that forsho she needs to focus on school for now...
Why not just let life flow and if she does come back, than make a choice than but in the mean time... just let life flow and you just enjoy yourself. If it's meant to be it'll be, no matter how far she is or where she is, she'll always come back. If it's not meant to be than no matter how much you try to keep someone or force someone, it just won't ever happen. So just live your life and work on yourself day by day. Some days it'll be hard but you just have to keep your mind straight and you should be fine. Take it as a break and improve yourself so when she does come back or if you found someone else than you know you're a better person at that point. ^^
It was mentioned before in a post, you can't help someone who is not receptive.
I do not wish to be mean or anything but it is quite obvious your going to do what you want regardless of what members say here. You cannot imagine how clear and obvious the situation is to members here, we know exactly what's going on.
We've all been where you are but unfortunetly you have to learn the hard way sometimes.
It kind of sounds like your playing games with each other. Your going to be hurt. You need to just be the bigger one and walk away completely.
Once upon a time I was dumped by a guy I loved... I turned into a kind of stalker/ex lunatic everyone dreads,only after I had totally humiliated myself and was on the last dregs of self respect did I start no contact,he was like my personal drug.I was addicted to him. So I went cold turkey.. if I saw him in town I went the other way and started N.C again.
Then one night about a year later I ran into him in a club,we chit chatted for a while and as we were talking I was thinking "what the f.. k was I thinking?'
My point is, you get to a stage after things are finished where it just takes up too much head and heart space to continue chasing after what ifs..
N.C works.. no one likes it.. its hard as hell,it takes courage and balls to finally take back your life and build again,taking back what is rightfully yours and what the other person does not even want.
I feel like I turned into a stalker/ex lunatic too, I didn't leave him alone for about 5 months , please read my thread . Just started NC a few days ago. I would love your advice.Quote:
Originally Posted by redhed35
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...le-373374.html
Thank you darkninja
That's what Im exactly doing without NC
I'LL talk to her when I feel like it...
But Im not going to be crazy over it..
Ive left my heart/door open for anyone that wants to give me a try but the girls here already know, I'm not looking or closing so get to know them as friends..
I feel great
I am not one for pushing NC but there is a time and place for it and it is a good concept when you first break up and need time to go through the healing process. Often when you first break up your emotions are all over the place and you just want to take him/her back and make it all better even though that is not likely to happen so you need that time and space.
But I'm fine like seriously. I feel really wonderful and great. I don't think I need NC at all.
That is good if you don't need NC.
I never needed NC with my ex's but I do understand the concept and why it is good for some.
Hehe, there you go... I'm going through the same thing as well and it's what keeping my head up. It'll just take some time but you'll get through it. And contacting her should be the last thing on your mind... and try not to go checking up on her so much. If possible, just let her contact you... she might not think of you today, or tomorrow.. but one day she'll think of you (that is if you have treated her right and didn't give her any reasons to dislike you in anyways). It's all about timing, and N0help4u is right... emotions are everywhere once you first break up and you have a deep feeling of wanting her back but for all this time its going to be a false hope. If you want hope of getting back with her one day, you have to get rid of your feelings for her now... lower it down to friendship level and start from there again. Should be a test between you two... maybe its meant to be, maybe its not. Only time can tell.
Once a friend told me, "In life there are many paths but it's us who must create those paths for us to walk on." (In life there are many choices, but those choices is based on us to create them) Accept it... it might be clear to you now but tomorrow is another day so is the day after.
Another very good reason for NC. Often the one will feel the need to make sure the other is not going out with someone else. If you are broke up they can do what they want and it is not in your place to check up on what they choose to do.Quote:
Originally Posted by xdarkninja
Yeah, I know what nohelp means as well cause my feelings were scattered everywhere for a month but its stable now and I'm happy. I don't check up on her anymore and don't go running to my phone every morning hoping she has msged me. I have not kept the hope but haven't letten it go either. I'm a friend now and that's all Ill try to be.
yep exactly.. seems like you got your mind right. ^^ Would it be awkward though if you guys eventually see your ex after not talking so long? Cause seems like after one breaks up.. everything changes even though if you try to talk or do NC.. everything just seem so weird.
sorry for offtopic
I know what you mean. She seems a little distant and maybe upset but I'm happy and not going to think about her, I need to think about myself. It sounds selfish but when she broke up with me and left me scattered for 3 weeks. She didn't care. I remember reading something on someone's sig. It says "relationship is just a bonus" along those lines and its repeated in my head. I don't need it, I only want it and I'm not going to let my desires/temptations control my life.
Like I can live without her so why do I torture myself and think I need this? I don't. Life is too short to be stressing over stuff. I just need to better myself for the future girl or her if she comes back.
I tried to be "friends" with my ex, but every time I would hang out with him and I'd get home... I couldn't handle it. I'd break down. I already have a couple medical conditions, and the breakdowns just fed them.
It basically got to the point where I lost my mind and had to be taken to the hospital. Now I'm on correct medicine and I'm going to therapy, but NC was the best choice for me in the end.
Sometimes, if not all the time, NC is best because it preserves people's sanity. It preserves hearts. It preserves lives, in some cases.
Eventually friendship might be possible, but still, a lot of people think it would be best to never be friends, because they will get caught up in the cycle again, or afraid they will.
NC isn't running away.
It's being good to yourself and giving yourself time to heal.
Omg.. I said the same thing lol this is why I'm a happy man lol
Yea Torrid13 is right on that about NC.. we have to learn to love ourselves first before loving others. And learn to trust ourselves first before others XD
I guess everyone has a different approach and I must say I've become stronger and love myself more everyday for it. Its like a challenge and I won, I feel good about myself.
What's your story darkninja? Did you do NC or what?
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