Well, it's rude if you do it on the first date, but women like a man who knows what he wants.
Oh man that's awful. I wouldn't last four weeks let alone four years, you're a better man than I.Quote:
Originally Posted by kochi
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Well, it's rude if you do it on the first date, but women like a man who knows what he wants.
Oh man that's awful. I wouldn't last four weeks let alone four years, you're a better man than I.Quote:
Originally Posted by kochi
Hey,I've been following this thread,and I feel for your girlfriend.. I don't really feel so bad for you,you can make a choice,you can leave and start over,it does sound like your going to stay,and I doubt after 4 years things will change regarding your sex life,but your girlfriend.. she has no choice.. this is happening to her.
My advice,leave... or accept this is the way things are for now.
I do feel bad for him. It seems he's been pretty patient with the situation. Sex is an integral part of a healthy relationship. Both partners' needs should be met. True enough, she has some physical and mental issues she must deal with but it's affecting both of them.Quote:
Originally Posted by redhed35
It's obvious that he loves her very much and doesn't want to leave her at the drop of a hat over this. I think he must be in a terrible position to love someone so much yet to have dealt with lack of affection for 4 years. It speaks volumes that he hasn't used this as an excuse to cheat.
Her issue with painful sex is one thing, but to not even hold hands and kiss? To be disgusted by him wanting to be affectionate in other ways? I do feel sorry for him.
It is a tough situation,for both parties.. I agree with the main body of posts that kissing and touching is so important,he's not going to leave but he has the choice too.
I just feel for this girl.
She probably has a story behind her actions, would be my guess. I would sure find out.
I feel really bad for her too, and feel like I'm not going to be like "oh well, you dont like sex, well fine, im outta here."
I have asked her, what do you want me to do, what can I do.
I have offered to go to a therapist with her and me, tell me what to do.
Cause everything I do is wrong. If I don't ask she gets mad, if I ask she gets mad.
Is there ever a time you two enjoy each other?
Does she ever make you feel like she appreciates you (other than the bedroom)?
Does she have some strong positives that make you stay?
Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Yeah when sex or affection is not an issue.
Mm, honestly it doesn't feel like it... I asked her one day, "what is is that we share?" IM not sure anymore what the or if there are positives left. It makes it a bitter situation.
Its kind of like a cut on your arm that won't heal, and just is raw allllllll the time. And its not just sex it's the fact that there is no intimacy at all. Even when we go to bed, I can not touch here, she sleeps on the opposite side of the bed and if my leg or anything comes that side...
Honestly it doesn't sound like you have much of a relationship left. Beyond the sex, the fact that there's no affection whatsoever and you're not even allowed to touch her, well that's not OK. You're not happy and deserve to be.Quote:
Originally Posted by kochi
And the fact that you liken your relationship to a bothersome cut says it all. You may have to get the courage and get out of this relationship. Not because there's no sex. But there's no intimacy whatsoever.
I likened the situation as a cut on your body that doesn't heal.
While the rest of you body might be OK, the fact that you have a serious cut on your arm that is not healing kind of starts to affect a lot.
SO the fact that there is NO intimacy of any kind in the relationship kind of leaves you feeling empty... so ye sure we got to all the restaurants, movies etc... it just no the same
Then what you have is a platonic friend.
I don't how or why your staying in this dead end relationship. This relationship is lacking so much and if she can have an open, honesty discussion with you after 4 years she never will be able to.
Call me crazy but I would have been left. You're a strong person for staying because I couldn't.
That is a funny funny funny quote by the way... love it.Quote:
Originally Posted by liz28
I do love (and care) that is something that is keeping me here. I keep thinking that it'll change, It will get better, when she realizes this or that, or if she finally this...
Its funny cause she told me she resents me for making her have (submitting) sex!! So now she is ending up hating and resenting me because of sex/intimacy but has not left because she still loves me. And she has sex cause she knows that she would have to have it with who ever she is with...
Have your girlfriend ever been rape or molested in the past? Maybe as a child?
no... that would seem to make the most sense.
:)
Well, since she won't talk to you about things it would be hard to find out.
I mean no she has not been...
Apparently cause of the vulvadynia she hates sex and has come to have a whole lot of psychological blocks too.
I would leave if I were in your situation... when come to think about it... I kind of did leave a relationship because of lack of intimacy...
Quote:
Originally Posted by kochi
I don't know, I must say that I admire that you stay out of love, but at the same time it kind of feels like you are staying out of false hope that it will get better.
Can it get better when she is resentful towards you for wanting or even needing intimacy?
It really must be a terrible situation for the both of you and in the long run it really might be better if both of you let go of the relationship. Can it really go anywhere?
Has she thought about therapy? For the psychological blocks... or maybe find something to ease the pain? I read something about this on the mayoclinic site. I can try to find a link... if she wants to ease it or even wants intimacy at this point... Why does she stay with you?
Ok for some reason this thought just hit me. While I do feel for both sides because clearly she is struggling with some kind of issue. But to not want any kind of touching or kissing either is crazy. Now here is an off the wall question. Is there a slight tiny chance she is struggling with her sexuality??
I'm surprised we none of us thought of that question sooner. Even when I don't want to have sex with my boyfriend I usually like to cuddle up with him and kiss him...
I know I have been following this thread and just now it had hit me. He said she was like that with her other partners before him so maybe she is struggling inside with who she is. Maybe her sexuality is in question. No one knows but her.Quote:
Originally Posted by justcurious55
So what HAS been done about it?? Do you know what it is? If she is still suffering, that's something to deal with.Quote:
2) Well then she doesn't enjoy sex. (okay, why not?) Well it hurts..
3) Why does it hurt.. apparently she has a condition called vulvodynia (found out last summer.) Went to see a gynecologist, nothing they can really do about it.
Treatment for Vulvodynia Vulvadynia - Ask.com Search
Pain is not just physically debilitating, but mentally, and emotionally as well.
NO I don't think she is struggling with that, maybe.
So yeah when she found out she had this condition, she when to the doc (I offered to go) and was give some things, creams etc. but she never followed through.
I did research, found forums etc but was told that the only reason I was doing it was cause I wanted more sex, so I just let it go.
She gets this way because sex is extreeeeeemley painful, I get it, so I know I need to do things different too. But doesn't want to go together to counselor... or later or doesn't want to take about it. She was giver creams to stop the pain, but she don't use them.
If intercourse hurts, there are other things we can do, or you know evern it out. But no.
So its always an obstacle. Its always finding reasons things don't work, rather than how we can make it work...
After I had my son I went through a period were sex was indeed painful, uncomfortable, not bearable. I tried because I like sex, but the more we tried the more it hurt the more I didn't want it.
It became a self fulfilling prophecy, I expected it to hurt, was waiting for it to hurt so I would refuse.
I went to the doctor, nothing wrong, I'm fine, but it still hurt.
It got to the point were I really think that it was in my head. Not the first few times, that pain was real, but because it did hurt those first few times I expected it to hurt and it did. I wouldn't allow myself to relax and enjoy it because I was waiting for the pain.
I had to work through it, which I did. It helped that hubby is a very understanding man. He hated seeing me in pain so it was easy for him to stay away.
Having said all that, we still enjoyed oral sex because that didn't hurt and I felt so bad for denying him sex, I felt it was all my fault.
Your girlfriend needs help to overcome this, at the same time, she has issues that have nothing to do with the pain. No kissing, no touching, nothing, that says a lot.
You have to decide if you can accept this, if a sexless relationship is something you're willing to suffer through because really, she's the only one that can make this change, you can't.
Good luck.
Oral usually comes with the relationship package. I find it odd that she is not into any form of sexual intimacy. Even with her condition, there are ways both of you can find sexual satisfaction without penile penetration. That fact that she is unwilling to explore these alternatives is disheartening. Would you be willing to see a counselor with her? That's the only thing I can come up with. If things don't improve, I wouldn't stay. I know sex isn't everything, but it is a part of a healthy relationship.
Good luck...
It sounded like he was plenty willing to see a counselor with her and she wouldn't let him...
This all sounds like much more then painful sex to me.
Take it from someone who was sexually molested and raped. She has issues that don't have anything to do with the pain of sex. I'd bet on it.
She needs counselling, otherwise this will never end, no matter what.
That's just my opinion though, I could be wrong.
Did you read the links I gave you? Obviously not as you would have followed them to find out this condition goes way beyond just sexual intercourse, and the treatment goes beyond just a topical crème to alleviate the symptoms. It requires several follow ups, and consultations.
If you have not explored those options you need to.
I highly suggest you look beyond your needs, and wants, and focus on a way to communicate, and work together to solve your problems, so you both can benefit, grow, and enjoy each other and this marriage, fully, or else you don't have a marriage.
Your problem is the lack of communications, and the unwillingness to work together. Your tactics so far are inadequate in convincing her to talk, or work with you.
Advice- A week of fishing while you figure out a better strategy, without her influence.
Translation- Time away from each other.
Just me, I can go without sex when necessary, and have, I don't tolerate the non-communications as you are doing.
Hey Tal,
Please don't assume so much, I appreciate your input. But I have researched, I have even talked to people that have the condition. I have offered to go to counseling, got books, problem is "I am." I have tried and tried.
I do realize that it is about us, her and not just me and my wants. I get that. I have asked her, what would make her comfortable, we don't have to have sex every time, there are other ways, "we can work through it."
And this is not about sex or having sex... is about the fact that she hates sex and every time it comes up its awful thing for both of us.
"Just me, I can go without sex when necessary, and have, I don't tolerate the non-communications as you are doing."
Uhhh yeah, I can too, but this is not about going a week or a month without sex.
"Your problem is the lack of communications, and the unwillingness to work together. Your tactics so far are inadequate in convincing her to talk, or work with you."
Again, please do not assume, I have tried a lot of different things.
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Did you read the links I gave you? Obviously not as you would have followed them to find out this condition goes way beyond just sexual intercourse, and the treatment goes beyond just a topical crème to alleviate the symptoms. It requires several follow ups, and consultations.
Yes and I have many more too.
I think it is very rude and immature to even think of that when u only have 4 days. It is stupid, seriously man, you're only 4 days with her, u don't want to ruin it too soon.
Whaaaaaat?
4years man.
She has a medical condition that makes SEX painful, and that's horrible for you both. But how about the touching and kissing and other signs of affection? Are you willing to spend the rest of your life like this? Maybe she would be better off with someone who doesn't like sex or the rest. You love her and that's what makes this tough, but it sounds like this relationship is doomed. Good luck and GOD bless you both.
If she won't go to counseling, what else can you do? There are other ways you two could be sexually intimate, but if she's unwilling... you have all the reason in the world to leave. Really. You aren't a jerk for doing so. She seems completely unwilling to compromise.
She when to counseling for 3-4 sessions then quit... I guess she wasn't doing it for herself.
In a last ditch effort we are going together to counseling..
I had suggested that there are other ways to be intimate at least till we figure this out, "not its fine." But really its not and it shows.
SO hopefully counseling will help. I had once asked her why if, she hates to so much why she keeps doing it, and she said that she knows that to be in a relationship that she has to "submit." Obviously that is not going to work, not for me or any one else.
No its not, and it hasn't so far. Counseling is good, as a third party may help.
Yeah, that's what I am hoping that some one, a professional can help or guide us to a solution, and if not at least well be on good terms, and not bitter and angry etc... I want this to be good either way... whatever the outcome.
Just is hard sometimes, to know what the right thing is.
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