Sort of like, both. Does it matter?Quote:
Originally Posted by help4me2200
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Sort of like, both. Does it matter?Quote:
Originally Posted by help4me2200
It matters to me. Our love was dying dowm, and I had doubts about her long term. Living with her would be a house of pain (or so I thought). I do not want to think I am commitment phobic. I am worried that I should have settled for her.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
Not marrying one person is not commitment phobic. Had you done the pre-marital dance with counseling, etc. you would have figured it out in time if she wasn't the one for you.Quote:
Originally Posted by help4me2200
If you have someone in mind, than I don't think you're ready to marry that person because you question it.
To know if its "the one" or not, you have a feeling that everything is right, something you won't regret, won't give a second thought, everything is perfect.
Also I don't think there is "the one". Life is unpredictable and anything can happen.
Feelings are easily deceived, or misinterpreted. Look at it this way, our feelings are a result of our thoughts, keeping in mind that people can have thoughts that are subconcious and that are super fast, so much so that many don't even realize they have them.
Be aware of your thoughts and learn self control. Very few of us are ever sure of anything, and when we are, we tend to be fooling ourselves. “Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes.”
Confucius
“It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.”
Confucius
“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do.”
Confucius
“Respect yourself and others will respect you.”
Confucius
“Sometimes it's necessary to go a long distance out of the way in order to come back a short distance correctly.” ~Edward Albee
“Seeking is not always the way to find.” ~Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827
“If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts, but if he will content to begin with doubts, he shall end in certainties.” ~Francis Bacon
“The future influences the present just as much as the past.” ~Friedrich Nietzsche
"There are many things in this world I can not understand, but it seems to me that there are many things in this world that do not understand me. So rationality is as fleeting as the thoughts that make it so..."- Nestorian
These are the lessons I see in your issues. Try to pay attention and relate them. It would be benaficial to your endeavors.
Peace and kindness be with you.
Powerful stuff. You Sir have much wisdom. Thank you for bestowing it upon me. I see the light...
To me, if you're questioning it, they aren't the one you should marry. Cold feet, sure. But questioning the person, not quite
There is no such thing as the one. Its the one you are willing to take a risk with.Quote:
Do you know when you have met "the one" to marry?
Be logical, as a human male, there are probably millions of female humans you can work with, and have a happy fulfilling life with.
Pick one, and take the risk.
My relationship is due for a split. We have been dating for 7 years and seen each other only on the odd weekend.Quote:
Originally Posted by help4me2200
I'm bracing myself for it.
Reading your entry I can kind of relate to.
I want to get married and yes id be gutted if my partner didn't want to marry me.
However I'm not splitting with him for that reason!
Long story. *sigh*
Take my advice. Think it through carefully. Talk to your partner honestly. If its workable, try to save it. If not, move on with peace in your heart.Quote:
Originally Posted by enilorac
I read the quotes, and I do understand all of it on some level. I still hurt because there is some small doubt in me the keeps coming back, and making me feel that maybe I should have tried harder to make it work with her. Maybe I was foolish to let her go. Maybe There is no perfect partner, just accept what comes. Where is the truth in all of this??Quote:
Originally Posted by Nestorian
It also bothers me that she moved on in 3 months, and is happily (or so I believe) dating another guy for over a year.
It's in my head every day.
Or maybe you aren't dealing with your feelings very well, and are reliving them over, and over again.
That usually says you haven't regrouped and built new memories, or something has happen to trigger these feelings again.
Which is it?
"I read the quotes, and I do understand all of it on some level. I still hurt because there is some small doubt in me the keeps coming back, and making me feel that maybe I should have tried harder to make it work with her. Maybe I was foolish to let her go. Maybe There is no perfect partner, just accept what comes. Where is the truth in all of this???
It also bothers me that she moved on in 3 months, and is happily (or so I believe) dating another guy for over a year.
It's in my head every day."-You
Self doubt is dangerous. You're feelings decieve you, let go of your fear. Its OK to be scared, confused, uncertain, but don't dwell on it so much so that you fail to see the rest of life.
I think you are displaying your fears to connect to new people, and you are afraid you will not be accepted by another women... She is gone, you let go, and now you are suffering and don't know why. What do you want in life? What are your hopes and dreams? Where did you want to be in 10 years from now, a year a go?
Now, why did you simply like the weekend thing and not put more time into being with her on week days? Why did you not fear leaving her every weekend?
Hmm, You sure do have a lot of wieght on her and being happy and moving on after 3 months. Perhaps you thought you meant more to her? You are feeling she didn't really care after all, or that you mean less than this guy or even her? You feel belittled, betray, insignificant, low, and ultiamtely feel unworthy?
Think on those very hard, for get what you said, answer what I wrote, do you feel those or not? Good luck.
OK. The truth is that I connected to my ex in some deeper way, deeper than I have ever had before. I knew that she was there for me, and understood me at the deepest level. We were able to connect imtimately, and I would always go about knowing that I had her, and everything was all right. Even when she was at a distance, I felt OK, because I knew she was there as my girlfriend. I never replaced that. I went on a date tonight, and the girl was cute, but not a connection on the level that I had. I am afraid. I want to deperately believe that I will find it again, and that this time it will be more right than the last. I know that I need to let go for my own good. I hold onto the past, because I am afraid of the future. I was wrong to hold my ex for so long, when I did not feel that I would marry her. Every time that I pulled away, she would come back to me. In the end, I forced her away. Maybe it was the best thing to do (break up), but I feel incomplete. I lost myself confidence, and self esteem. They are gradually coming back. I want to find a great girl that I can be right for. I'm better, but still hurting. I need to find myself in all of this.
Yes, I felt that I meant more to her. I feel belittled and betrayed. She does not care about me, and yes that hurts a lot. She replaced me. The truth is that it was mine to keep or discard. I chose to discard it. So much of her was right, but some part was not right. She nurtured me. In the end, I held her stuff for months, and returned it after I knew she met somebody else. Maybe, I expected her to come back and apologize. She never could say "I'm sorry", so the hurt inside me stayed. I was not going to reach out to her, when I felt she caused the problem. I have to beocme a more mature person, and this will make that happen. I do need to keep moving forward with a smle, and believe. I have felt so much pain after the relationship. She felt the pain during the relationship with each interim break up. Life brings us some hard lessons...
"She replaced me."-You
Maaybe she is trying, but you are the only you in this world. She, if she takes time to find her self, really is looking for some one like you, but not like you. She wants to increase the chances for a healthy successful relationship, so she needs to find some one who has the qualities like you that made her happy, as well as you, but also with out the qualities that made the relationship not work...
"The truth is that it was mine to keep or discard."-You
Was it? Regardless of your choices, she had to chose to be with you as well. Sure you could have choose to work with her, or not, but your choice doesn't dictate what she decides to do, or you may be together now... Right?
"She never could say "I'm sorry", so the hurt inside me stayed."-You
Um, didn't you break it off? If it makes you feel better I never got a sorry from my ex, actaully she said that she loved my like a sad puppy... (man that was cold.) But I still lover her just the same, and 3 years later it hurts just the same, but now I know that I am responsible for my thoughts, emotions/feelings, and actions. It's me who has to live my life and I'm not going to waste it recalling the painful times, when I can draw strength from each situational lesson and make new experiences to draw from, hopefully positive ones.
But yes, what was the problem again? (sorry, got a lot on my mind these days.)
"I have to beocme a more mature person, and this will make that happen. I do need to keep moving forward with a smle, and believe. I have felt so much pain after the relationship. She felt the pain during the relationship with each interim break up. Life brings us some hard lessons..."
Maturity would most likely benafit you. Going about life "with a smile on your face", not always a good thing. If you feel like crap once in a while then let it out, but only allow yourself a predetermined, by you, amount of time. Don't force yourself to be happy, just try focusing on things that are happy for you. Like exercising, and running, biking, sports, hanging out with friends and such. I strongly suggest you just go see a counsellor for a little extra insight at this point as you seem pretty set in these "darker thoughts". Work on yourself, by sitting down and asking yourself how your day went then write about it. Try journaling maybe.
And once again, yes, life can teach some pretty harsh lessons. Then again, we have a habit of expecting life to give us many great things; perhaps we would be wisest not to expect anything from life, but to be grateful for what we receive.
Peace and kindness be with you brother.
Ok bro, I am not the same or different than you but read my thread here - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ht-290618.html... I was a wreck when my ex left me for someone else. It kills the male ego to see that we are not as important as we thought we were. But guess what? It will pass once you go out and meet new people, and start living for you. Trust me when I say this, you don't see a way out right now? But you will! Just start doing what you like to do! My ex hated when I worked out because it was improving me, and it was something that she had no say in. I started again and I am proud to say, I am down 60lbs, benching my final 12 reps at 260lbs, and barbell curling 135! It's amazing how much it has helped. What do you want to do for the rest of your life? WHATEVER YOU WANT!! That's the best part of being single. And someday, she'll email you, and you'll think the same thing I do when my ex emails me... huh, poor thing, she never got to have what I have right now!
Thank you for the inspiration. I am starting to believe that things will turn out OK. I will keep the faith, and keep on living my life.
All the things you said, are just your perspective. Obviously she was not the person for you because if she was, she wouldn't have left. Sometimes your emotions just blinds you into thinking how perfect it was or could have been when really that wasn't the case. I think you need to look pass that and let her go. Once you do, someone else will come along.
Valid point. The facts became distorted with time. Emotions have a way of changing the facts. Time will heal. I know that she was not for me. My biggest mistake was in looking back. I know my life is in the present and future. The consolation here is if we did marry, it would have been so much worse for both of us. Letting go takes time, but I am trying.Quote:
Originally Posted by none12345
Yup, its good you decided to move on.Quote:
Originally Posted by help4me2200
Don't live life in regrets man, its so unhealthy. You fell for the person you thought she was but you've found out she was not that person.
In all honesty, it was not a bad thing. You've loved her and love is a great feeling and now you're more experienced in being in a relationship. So you ll be able to make the next one so much better.
Just focus on your personal goals and doing things that make you happy. There are no more "ifs". That's out of the question now because its not going to happen so don't dwell on it anymore.
You ll feel better when you meet someone better and you will! But at the same time don't settle for anything less than you expected.
I dealt with the same situation. I left my ex after 8 years... two, three weeks later I felt that maybe we could sit and talk about things. However, it was too late within those few weeks I was not talking to him, he found another girl and refused to reconcile with me. Just move on... I wasted 7 months after the fact trying my best to talk some sense into him. It didn't get me anywhere.
I think if they did love us they would have wanted to try again. They're trying to see if there is truly anything better than us.
AND MY ONLY SUGGESTION TO YOU IS NO CONTACT!!
It's the ONLY WAY FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND AND FEEL THAT THE RELATIONSHIP IS OVER!!
I am realizing not to live life with regrets. It was so CLEAR when I asked her to leave, that it was finally over. At that time, I felt a great relief. I only went back to her out of fear, I don't think it was love. If I really loved her, I would never have let her go so long. We had so many break ups towards the end, I just wanted the last one to be final. She was GOOD and BAD, so it is not clear to me as I only remember the good side for some reason. It is easy to idealize my ex at a distance, I do not have to deal with her on a daily basis. You are right there are no more "if's", it's over. I have to learn to manage my feelings of hate, anger, and jealousy toward her. I hope she learns her own lesson from this. I am starting to date again, and it's tough. I'm not 100%, but I think I should get out there little by little, and maybe God will send a wonderful woman my way! This is a BIG lesson for next time.Quote:
Originally Posted by none12345
Thank you for your input. You are right. I know that the moment she decided it was over, it was over forever! She met somebody new, and could care less. It sounds bad, but wait until the new guy figures out what he's gotten himself into. Her history of failed relationships, has one common thread... HER. I would not be surprised to see this one fail too.Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveStoned
I have gone NO CONTACT. I do know it's over, I just wish she would leave my thoughts forever.
Amazingly, I thought that I would be fine about this, and I was for 6 months. Once she met somebody else, I went down this dark path.
Does anyone have any advice to help me sleep? My ex seems to come to mind at night, and it can make for a poor sleep. I either wake up too early, or have a hard time falling asleep or both! This has affected my life most!Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveStoned
If you have still sleep problem after 17 month, it can be a chronical.
Also make yourself tired by working out every evening.
If you still have the issue, then you need to see a doctor to get anti anxiety pills, not sleeping pills. It releases anxiety from your brain, and you can have a good sleep.
It makes much easier to overcome the sleep problem.
Good Luck!
Makes sense. Take your time in dating, don't go out to find anything, but rather just to have fun, as you can not find some one with that deep intimate connection until you know yourself. As I say, "How can you know your soul mate if you don't know yourself?" (Not that the next person you meet will be a soul mate, but you never know.)Quote:
Originally Posted by help4me2200
Yes, it may never stop hurting, it hasn't for me, and I'm 3 years past the break up. I reckon, haha, I can't believe I just used that cow poke term, "Reckon" haha. Sorry, but I reckon that we just find other things to focus our mind on, as the pain is in the past, and tied to our memories.
Which reminds me that I read in a book if you bring up each memory of they relationship and then focus on it bringing all your attention to it, then picture it leaving, dissipating, or fading. This is supposed to train our minds to let go of tha past, so we can make room for the future, or present to be more accurate. It was said that our minds can only take in so much info before our minds become "satruated" with information, making it hard to keep everything in the for front of our minds, or in the councious/awareness/mindfulness of our beings.
Ok, I'm done.
Peace and kindness
Good advice. I will try to train my mind to let go of the memories. I know that when I do find someone new, this will all disappear from my memory.Quote:
Originally Posted by Nestorian
Wear yourself out!! Play a sport. Make plans for a big trip. The excitement will keep your mind focused. Talk about how you feel until you can't possibly hear yourself talk anymore.
I had the same problem too... Damn it:plol! I would wake up thinking about him and couldn't sleep cause all I pictured was him being with another girl. But it will pass.
You are probably over-romanticizing just like I did. After all, there were things that lead you to break up with her. And now that you see she's with someone else, you think it wasn't that bad... but the truth is.. it was. Take time to reflect on things. Why were some of the reasons you didn't want to marry her. Keep reminding yourseld of this.
You are correct about over romantizing. However, she was my best girlfriend so far. I do know that we would likely not have made it in a marriage. I hate to picture her with another guy. I'll eventually meet somebody nice, and this will just be a memory. I'm dating again, so there is hope. I just want to meet a nice girl that I can connect with on a deep level. I'm ready to get married, I just need God to help me make the right selection:pQuote:
Originally Posted by LoveStoned
"Life is ours we live it our way."- Metallica
"By my self but not alone..."- Metallica.
Remember, seeking is not always the way to find, but being present in the moment may be...
If you should wish to be other than you are, then why follow the ideals and values that have made you thus?
Look up the Sunscreen song on YouTube, I think its like 7 minutes, but Bas, or Baz L... something. It's something that helped me get past some difficult times.
Peace and kindness be with you brother.
Thanks to everybody for all of your advice and support. It has really helped me to get better. This was the most painful experience of my life. However, it was necessary to break up with her, to stop an even worse situation from occurring later. I have learned so much about love and relationships, and I vow to get it right next time. I am going forward as a better person, and one who has healed some very old and very deep wounds as a result of this pain. I am actually thankful for this pain, as it has showed me the correct path. God bless everybody, and may you all find true love. 06-12-09Quote:
Originally Posted by Nestorian
All I can say to you my friend... NO CONTACT.
I haven't spoken to my ex since April 3rd and I do not know if she is with someone else and thanks to no contact I will never know, so I won't suffer if she is.
Train yourself to forget the past. Think of now and tomorrow, be optimist, throw away all negative thoughts, see the glass half full not half empty.
Remember that the ones who dump others are the ones who will regret later and live with that remorse, the rest of their life.
The grass wasn't greener after all...
Never throw away what you got thinking you found something better, there is no garantee's in life. The only sure thing in life is death and taxes...
Time to move on and start a new chapter of your life story, don't dwell on the past, set her free and if she still loves you one day she will come back and she will be yours for good, until then keep focusing on yourself and enjoy life again.
From all the brothers who know what you are going through...
I agree with everything you say, except about remorse. I left her because it was the best option long term. I did not love her enough, and I would have never been able to live with her long term.Quote:
Originally Posted by PirandelloLuigi
Oh I thought she the one who left...
OK the remorse only if they had love... if they did not love then there is no remorse...
Hi there, hope you're still around. I relate very much to what you are saying here. I just split with my girlfriend after a long period of offs and ons. I kept having anxiety in the relationship, unsure if she was right for me (even though she remains the most important woman that's ever entered my life). These would end up in really bad anxiety and a general feeling of discomfort that I just couldn't really put my finger on at first. She had her little annoyances of course, but gradually these little things came to completely completely outweigh all of the wonderful qualities she had. I had thoughts of escape, thoughts of meeting someone better. But every time we broke up because of the way I was behaving, I would be utterly devastated and fall into depression. The longest of these was when we really broke up after christmas.Quote:
Originally Posted by help4me2200
That time she initiated the split - not because of any love loss, but merely out of self preservation - she could not stand to be hurt be me like that again. I went into the worst depression of my life and literally did nothing for 3 months (id also lost my job before christmas). Believe it or not I actually met someone else during this time whom I was seeing for almost two of those months, but she was merely a distraction - I liked her, but it was nothing compared to my ex. I really thought I'd never see her again for a long time. But she got back into contact, we got back together and I began having the same thought of is this right etc etc, I picked holes in her. I was thinking I had to end it but couldn't do it. Then one day I was feelign uncomfortable with her and told her to go out with her friend who'd called - it was a weekend that my ex had so wanted to just spend with me. And that instigated this, last break up. And this time for her, enough is enough. She will really I think, never get back with me now, even though I know I am the love of her life.
And now I feel lost, devastated, thinking only of everything good that we had and none of the bad, even the bad now seems good, just part of her. Thinking I want to make her happy, see her, but she will not see me, its too painful for her. And I know I am only hurting her more in trying to contact her as I was at first. I've stopped now because I don't want to upset her anymore. But I am afraid to lose her, to forever wonder what I threw away.
As for sleep, during my darkest days I always found drink and spliffs did the trick. You only feel worse the next day though ;)
Writing this has made me feel better even if no one reads it :)
I'd really suggest therapy. It sounds like you could benefit from therapy and maybe even medication. Hang in there.
Yo man ! Hope everything comes out good but u may need to meet new girls . Have some fun but not too extreme... if she was to really belong to u man it would have happened a long time ago . U may need to just moved on man . Take it easy man...Quote:
Originally Posted by help4me2200
I believe it's never over, some couples can come back after 2, 5, even 10 years...
If she loves you she will come back one day...
If you set her free and did not beg her to come back, one day she might want to come back.
There is no guarantee in life, just let time pass and see what happens...
Hello, I am the guy that initiated this post. I read your response, and I can relate too much of what you wrote. I know exactly how you feel, on one hand this woman was the best thing that ever came into your life, on the other hand you have SERIOUS DOUBT. That doubt is your subconscious mind, or intuition, telling you that something is wrong. You must go with your intuition because it factors in many things that your conscious mind does not. I am still hurting over this situation (but a lot less than before), but I am dating again, and feel it will all work out in the end.Quote:
Originally Posted by baxcarias
Things always look better in the rear view mirror than they actually were. I do believe that if you are meant to be together, you will end up back together. Sometimes, we have hard lessons to learn. They key is to learn them and grow from them. Keep moving forward, and good luck!
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