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Originally Posted by vanheart

Thanks, as I mentioned we had constant talks about our future, what city, etc.. & never could come to some outcome because of her constant indecision about everything, but in the sam right put the pressure on my to com up with the masterplan without sacrificing her career. What kills me is that she now says "Ive tried, & tried to get a plan out of you but you couldnt, etc.. So she is left making me feel like it was going nowhere. Very confusing.

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Well that's just selfish, but narcisit true to fashion. She wants all these things with you, but YOU have to come up with the plan that won't sacrifice HER career. Sounds like it is all about her. I'm sure you would have to do some sacrificing as well, that's called LOVE.

A narcisit will shift blame at the drop of a dime. They will also tell you how wonderful you are one day and the next are cold to you. You will feel like a yo-yo. They are very self centered and their needs MUST come first. The are extreemly sensitive and they don't take criticism well at all. Have you ever felt like you weren't doing enough for her, yet you were busting your rump to do a ton? Ever feel like you weren't deserving of her?

You give and give and give and a narcisist loves that.. it's like a drug. You put her up on a petastool and it fuels her. She tried and tried to get a plan out to you, but tells you to come up with a plan? See the contradiction?

Has she ever said one thing and then totally contradicted herslef not much later and made you feel like you misunderstood? They will make you feel like crud, like you are losing your mind.

With a narcisist, it never gets easier. I tried and I learned that the hard way. It's not that you weren't good enough, or that they want someone more... it's constant attention all the time from everyone... and when they either feel too close or aren't getting the praise they feel is OWED to them on a constant level, the bail.

NC is hard, and I have slipped many a time, but with a narcisist, it doesn't get better... sad to say. Live for you and know you will improve as a person and one day, when you are ready, you will meet a woman who will treat you like the love that you are...

Yup, anytime I mentioned the word selfish, she hit the roof. Im just not sure how she could tell me she loves me, etc.. And after so long just turn it off. If she voraciously and frequently wanted more or something else, why after 5 years do this? Im not even sure she feels remorse, or understands what Im going through.

Of course she hit the roof, you were seeing her FAULTS and calling her out on them. A narcisist can not handle that and if someone does such a terrible thing in her mind, they must be punished.

After all she is the one with the talent and it's HER career that can't be sacrificed and YOU are supposed to come up with a plan that revolves around HER. Wow!

Five years is a long time for a narcisit, but it could have a lot to do with the fact that there is some distance. The chance are that she doesn't feel remorse. Big trait of a narcisit, they don't feel bad for using and abusing.

Narcisism is a disorder, an illness. This is not because of YOU and is all about her (how ironic). They tend to be void of a lot of feelings but will show the world someone who isn't real.

They put on a mask and people who are not close to them think "wow isn't he/she wonderful" and the narcisit LOVES that kind of thing, but in the reality, they are totally someone different. They think they are always one step ahead and are smarter than the rest.

The also have a very misguided interpretation of their skills, success, and achievements. A lot of time they like to align themselves with people who they think others would be impessed.

Sad to say it's a façade. Please, please, know that it isn't you. That's hard to take I know, I've been there... but it's true. It's NOT that you were never good enough, smart enough, handsome enough. It was NEVER had you done this or that and maybe you would still be together, because you could have done everything right and it still wouldn't have worked.

They suck you in and keep you in... also don't be surprised if she were to get all weepy and apologetic and pull you back in only to end up pushing you away again after a short time. That's classic.

I know you mentioned that it's her birthday coming up... do not call or answer her call. You need to take a stand for YOU. You are a wondeful person with a lot of worth and after 5 years you deserve a lot more than you were getting.

She was lucky to have had you... she blew it... she messed up.

More tomorrow... I promise.

Thanks so much. What's funny is she always wants to be labeled as a good person (not sure to who) but has cried to me about it. She saw a psychic a few weeks ago & he told her she was & cried when she told me, I thought she was happy. Also she traveled to some "The secret" course a week ago to try & get answers to which I supported her. She even asked me to check her into the flights as she was too busy. Then after she didn't tell me one detail after discussing details with her for the past 5 years on every little thing. Keep wondering if she really went to try & figure out a way to justify doing this.

Why would she have to ask a psychic if she was a good person? Either you know that about yourself or you don't. And being "labeled" a good person... sounds like it's for show, worried about what the world thinks and if they all think she is as wonderful and successful as she thinks.

She may not feel as though she has to justify anything, so you may not get that answer. Right now it is time to think objectively but things will become more clear when you are able to step back and look at things more clearly.

Spend this time on you. Focus on you. Make yourself your number one priority. Give yourself the respect you deserve. Rebuild yourself. Dive into something with passion. Take a karate class to physically release some stree and who knows, there could be another passion there.

Just curious, as 5 years of a long distance relationship is extreme, and I just wonder have you never been able to live together, or had a chance to both work on this relationship? By that I mean resolving issues, through working together through honest communications, where both partners can benefit. Thats compromise. What you seem not to have from both sides here. What does she give up for the relationship to work??

It just seems like more a monthly hook up than a relationship, as I can see over time being use to each other, but NOT bonding beyond the limits of both your busy schedules.

That's great for dating, but not so much so for long term commitment. You certainly can't work together when on partner is unsure, or has a different agenda than you have, so what I see is she may not have the capacity to compromise for the relationship enough for it to grow beyond more than hook ups once a month and cute phone calls in between.

Her needs are her priority, with you being an option when she has time. I think you've known that for a while, but just let it go for the sake of keeping peace, and not making demands that reflect your own wants and needs.

Its not about her any more though, and I think once you have had a chance to see what you want for yourself, you will find what you need, and not be emotionally sucked empty by her.

Tal,

In a way you're right. Although we communicated & tried to resolve some sort of future together, we were never able to live together for more than months at a time. Which, I guess, at first, felt like a stronger bond in a way, even though I wanted us to live together. Although she felt like she made the majority of the sacrifices here, it was never more important then her career. That made it almost impossible to try to live together, she often changed her thoughts/plans at the drop of a hat. Then got frustrated in why, regardless of my attempts to move, etc..

Accept her for who she is, she may never change, and go through the healing process without her influence. You have invested much, and need a lot of time for just you for a change.

I guess I feel pretty deceived. She always cried to me about all of the people, contacts, things, etc.. That she cut out of her life and her regrets over that. Now I feel like I am simply another one. Not a good feeling. Doesn't do much for my self-esteem.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Doesnt do much for my self-esteem.

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Yourself esteem is not her esteem. Now, you are hurting but don't give her the power of taking yourself esteem. You can give her to power of your sadness, guilt, anger but your esteem is something deep with in you and it's just hiding. It will pop back up.

Was just thinking about how often times when we were apart, she become very angry and didn't know what to do with herself on weekends, downtime, etc... Put the blame on me, in a way, although I was feeling lonely too. She avoided socializing often times feeling like she couldn't truly go out have a good time with me away. Her family is pretty distant and her friends aren't really real ones, most superficial industry people. Makes me feel like she just needs someone there, regardless if its me or someone else. Feel like she didn't want to be true.

I guess I just feel like that the benefits she was experiencing of having a loving boyfriend is now outweighed by her desire to wonder if she can get that from other guys. Almost like I was keeping her from getting that and she resented me. I can't help thinking that she feels now that she has had a great weight lifted and is like "Whoo, Hoo, now I dont have a bf hanging around my neck that I have to report to." "Now I can meet, sleep with & date whoever shows me interest" Im sorry that I keep pressing the reset button here and feel weak about it, but my mind is still in shock. Thanks.

Vent, baby, Vent!

You are not pressing reset. You are pressing the start button to something better.

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Originally Posted by chuff

You are not pressing reset. You are pressing the start button to something better.

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I like that line

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Originally Posted by vanheart

I guess I just feel like that the benefits she was experiencing of having a loving bf is now outweighed by her desire to wonder if she can get that from other guys. Almost like I was keeping her from getting that and she resented me. I can't help thinking that she feels now that she has had a great weight lifted and is like "Whoo, Hoo, now I dont have a bf hanging around my neck that I have to report to." "Now I can meet, sleep with & date whoever shows me interest" Im sorry that I keep pressing the reset button here and feel weak about it, but my mind is still in shock. Thanks.

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A great weight has been lifted off your shoulders. In time you will come to see what a blessing this is for you. I can't really say for sure she is a narcisist, but a lot of the behavior you mentioned sounds like she very well could be. You were not a burden, you were a loving boyfriend. Ask yourself this... do YOU think YOU were keeping her from anything?

No, JustLaw, I didn't.
I supported her in all aspects.
I wanted her to have friends and be social for her sake. We were committed. I wanted her to enjoy things in times where we couldn't be together, for her, but, obviously to not enjoy someone else physically. For me, I never felt like I needed something more or different, especially when we were apart and feeling lonely. As far as being a narcissist, Im certainly no expert. But what is becoming clearer to me, from your mirroring experiences, and other things Ive tried to discover about that disorder, I think she is. It doesn't ease the pain for me trying get those answers and even looking that up.. Its disheartening beyond belief. Ive never really thought about what that means in clinical terms or otherwise. One thing, I saw that narcissists often prey upon weakness or self-loathing individuals. Not traits that I feel I exhibit at all. I maybe gave too much without understanding the balance. I feel blinded by her in a way & not because her success made me feel rad or a was smitten. I truly thought we were right. And she reinforced that feeling.

Sorry. JustLaw, maybe I took that the wrong way and sounded defensive. Feeling frustrated. I know you are helping, and thanks for all you've contributed to this. No I never felt like I was keeping her from anything. Just the opposite. My only guilt or however to describe, was that we were living in different cities.

On a last note for me today, I feel weird writing this out of feeling weak, but today is her birthday & even though she said she would call me when she returned from her trip with family. I kind of knew she wouldn't & I probably wouldn't have answered the phone for NC. For whatever reason, for her, not get into another crying session on both our parts, or to not spoil her special day or ruin the party in her mind while staying true to her decesion. Needless to say she didn't and it makes me feel like dirt. I sent her a card, agreeing not to give gifts in order us to save $ for trips and such. (Ironically, I sent it the day before she broke up with me) I guess in some twisted and desperate way I expected her to call. At least to hear her voice, but maybe to hear something remotely loving at this point. Makes me feel like I was never anything. I feel like the card I sent is probably among a couple she's been sent and she doesn't even feel the love at this point. Im pretty sure no one wrote the heartfelt feelings I did, not even her mom, maybe Im wrong about that. I feel pathetic for saying all of this and quite embarrassed for expecting some contact after a week. Wondering if in some way she is getting off on that...

Its been little over a week & your posts have been so helpful. Today I feel like I am back to where is was when she told me. I feel devastated, lonely and miss her so much. I feel such incredible despair today that could barely get out of bed. Can't stop thinking about her & why, if there is someone else, etc... I haven't talked to her in 4 days & its killing me. We used to talk 20 times a day. Really hurting.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Its been little over a week & your posts have been so helpful. Today I feel like I am back to where is was when she told me. I feel devastated, lonely and miss her so much. I feel such incredible despair today that could barely get out of bed. Can't stop thinking about her & why, if there is someone else, etc... I havent talked to her in 4 days & its killing me. we used to talk 20 times a day. Really hurting.

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This is normal. You won't get over her over night. But it'll get easier.

Just got a text from my ex. "Im not sure if you are, working. I'll be at home tonight and would like to say hi, Can I call you?" Man, I am really freaked now and feel terrified even though I am happy to hear from her. I am really confused and scared.

Part of wants to let her know that I can only talk to her if she wants to make it work, or be honest with me and give me some REAL answers in why she is doing this. I am not sure if it's the right thing to do & my stomach is knots. I am jumping out of skin.

Do not reply or accept anything that she says at this point. You are a wreck right now, making any kind of decisions will only confuse you even more, not to mention make you feel like this longer.

Ignore it and continue on with your life without her, until you can see a clear picture. I'm sure after that, you won't even care to talk to her or not. Good luck man, stay strong.

Should I write & tell her that I want NC and only contact me if she wishes to truly reconcile?

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Should I write & tell her that I want NC and only contact me if she wishes to truly reconcile?

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Don't tell her anything, just quit the contact. It's hard now, but you will get through it if you can truly stay NC for yourself.

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Originally Posted by ajGambino

Don't tell her anything, just quit the contact. It's hard now, but you will get through it if you can truely stay NC for yourself.

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Yup just do it.

Btw ajGambino how are you doing. You went NC about the same time I did.

I guess I just want to let her know that she can't have her cake & eat it too and that I am respecting her decision. I keep composing this note in my mind & in a way gives me a bit of closure to let her know that I can't be there while she searches for something or someone better. Im pretty confused and having a hard time with just dropping off the face of the earth. Pretty scared.

BTW, I just wanted to say how appreciative I am for everyone's thoughts. It is so admirable to spend the time to help me and others. I hopefully can offer up that & repay sometime. I can't thank you enough. Right now, this is all I really have to help me through.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

BTW, i just wanted to say how appreciative I am for everyone's thoughts. It is so admirable to spend the time to help me and others. I hopefully can offer up that & repay sometime. I can't thank you enough. Right now, this is all I really have to help me through.

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Well I don't need your thanks. Helping others actually helps me. Taking my own advice and such. I'm going through the same things. And I'm trying to hold myself to same standard that I'm advising.

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She is always flip-flopping about where she wants to be & what she wants to do, but knows she wants to be the best at her talents.

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I would send a strong message with my SILENCE! She gave away all rights to your attention when she dumped you by phone!

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She broke up with me over the phone a few days ago & says she doesn't want a relationship, wants to be single & needs time.

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Do Not Reply. (Its about being to busy, and unavailable for her BS.)

Thanks, I guess however hard, that is what I should do. I feel terrible and its so against my nature.

And getting dumped on your a$$ is in your nature??

No. its not. Thanks.

She will be expecting to hear from you on her birthday and probably thinks she has you pegged to a T, and maybe she does, but you need to take a stand for you! It is odd and it is tough to do something that you normally wouldn't do, but you are not doing it to her or fer her or about her... you are doing it for YOU! You are making a stand for yourself and YOU are the number one priority.

You're right. Thanks for helping.

Although I have not gone through all 8 pages of responses, I can still hazard to offer my insight.

Her mind has already moved on. Yes, she may love you but you have to realize that loving someone is different from being in love with someone. She no longer desires to be with you. I know it is difficult to cope with.

You are a successful artist - perhaps you can express yourself in your art form.

Also, keep up with the no contact. When you suddenly have a desire to contact her (usually at night or when you're alone) force yourself to do something else. Walk out your door and have a walk. Turn on some music. Take a shower. Do something and eventually you will no longer have those urges.

Thanks, I am. Will be trying. I guess you wouldn't be here if you haven't experiencing similar feelings.

Talaniman Rule- Once a female dumps you on your a$$! Move on, and give that pleasure to a different female.

As the days go by, you will catch up on things that'll make your decisions to avoid thoughts of your ex, without even thinking about it.

A lot of people usually go out, hang with friends, do new activities, stuff like that. At first, I hated being home and had to go hang out with my friends any chance I could. As time passed, I was more comfortable being by myself and doing my own thing.

Try to find yourself, but don't push it. Let it come naturally. Do whatever you feel like doing and don't force yourself.


I hope this advice helps you some. Good luck man, work hard.