As interesting as this is, I don't think trying to convince an opinion is really going to help Putnure, after all, it is about him and his situation. It's not about you or me.

It is not about being right or wrong. Putnure is the only one who knows within his being what he feels, what his heart is telling him. The choices and decisions remain his own. Neither you or I can make it for him.

But he has options, he has two ways of looking at a situation, positively or negative.

And now I am off to spend the rest of the afternoon with my beloved enjoying a boat cruise just the two of us. By the way, this is the man who "broke off our relationship", 7 months ago. I never gave up on him and "moved on." as the advice was given to me and I am so glad that I didn't take that advice. Because my relationship with him now is much stronger, much more fulfilling and satisfying. Some times you just "know" the right thing to do to create the relationship and life you deserve.

I wish that for all of you.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You have been ignoring some very obvious signs of someone is not happy.

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There were some fundamental underlying issues that had to be dealt. I did read those signs and realized something had to be done. But, it was too late and took too much time when I was finally able to think about it and come up with a plausible solution. As I said... the day when I met my g/f and she broke up with me, I actually asked her to meet with me so that I can present her with my thoughts and have a good conversation about it. Apprently she thought about the same thing, but took a totally different approach than me.

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You must have done some good begging, as she has accommodated you I feel, as a way to just get rid of you, as you don't seem to quit until you have what you want. If that matches what she wants, remains to be seen.

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I'm not going to lie. I did beg, but that's not what caused her to go with the break. Begging did nothing, but reasoning did have a slight effect. It is clear that this was a one-sided break that hurted me, and it seemed more logical that a mutual break-up was better than what she proposed to me. She had the option of just hanging up and never picking up my phone calls, but she chose to accept my offer. However, you are right in that she could've done this just to calm me down, in which case all that is remaining is to just see how things go on Thursday.

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I also know that manipulation never works which is why you should leave this female alone, and examine your part in this break up, and the behavior that follows.

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I don't know if this is manipulation. It would be a manipulation to do NC just to get her back.

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Originally Posted by liz28

Tal is right! If you have to bargin for someone to be with you then I wouldn't want to be with that person.
If I have to sit around waiting for 10 or 30 days for someone to make up their mind to whether they want to be with me then I wouldn't want to be them.

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This is actually one of the things that is helping me getting over her. It hurts my pride to do this and feel like being toyed around. However, I love her, and I think I can sacrifice my pride in order to save this relationship.

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I guess Thursday is judgement day for you and I would love to see how this play out.

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I guess so...

@Janmarie: have a wonderful time with your loved one. I hope my relationship could be given a chance to follow a similar path as yours.

Also, she called me again today just to tell me about a funny site as she was taking a break from her math studying... I remember her telling me yesterday that she won't be calling today because of how busy she was... I don't know if she is just making up excuse to call me, or she is just lightening up the mood for the bad news coming up in a few days... I don't know... (btw.. I don't have caller ID, so I don't know who is calling).

Thank you Putnure, I had a wonderful time. I am noticing a wonderful, calming change in you. That is great and your awareness of the situation is going to help you no matter what happens.

Be a friend to her, stop doubting yourself. You are going to be just fine.

I wish you the best of luck! :)

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I don't know if this is manipulation. It would be a manipulation to do NC just to get her back.

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No Contact is a start to the healing process, not a strategy to get some one back, that is manipulation.

Nc, but only to heal. Personally, I think you manipulated her into this whole "break" thing and after 10 days, she's hoping you will go away.

I don't think she is just hoping for him to just go away. If that were true she wouldn't be making the calls to him.

We don't know the complete details of their entire relationship so we don't know if it can't be fixed. What they seem to be having a problem with is the "fighting." and no it is not normal to fight with each other everyday in a relationship but it is easily "fixed." Basically it is their ego's with different views on things and each ego wants to be "right."

As long as she is making the effort to keep in contact with him, he should keep the lines open.

She doesn't make the calls to him, she wanted NC, he pushed for the calls at night to cure his own loneliness, he is just delaying the inevitable

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Do I continue to contact her via phone at night until the end of the break?
I mean I was the one who wanted this in the first place. Also, I called her and asked a second time two days after the initial break up to re-check if this is what she wanted. She replied, "This (contacting) could be a good idea because if things are good between us during the 10 days, it could act as a support to give the relationship a second try." However, I'm afraid that she is just doing this so that it will be easier her for her to commit to the break up. I mean she will be hearing my voice so she won't feel as lonely and bad.



4. Do I just stop calling her and only pick up when SHE calls me?

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He is doing the work it appears.

I still don't know her reasons for wanting a break? Is it because she had exams and she had to practice for her music thing?

I went to colege, had a boyfriend, had a child, and a full time job and I never asked for a break. It just that when I had to study for exams I didn't want to be bother and my boyfriend respected and understood that. Sometimes he would just stopped by to bring me snacks and give me his well wishes and leave.

Her wanted a break have nothing to do with exams. What is going happen when she get exams again?

Believe me when I say she already knows her decision but she is just making you sweat and wait for it. NC is the way to go.

You all are awesome and have awesome advice for trying to help someone "Get over" someone. That is without doubt that I say that.

But there is a "But" here just as in all things there is always that question, "What if?"

Everything that I have read on this site, every situation, every basic problem, every question, always gets the same answer. Why even come here and ask a question if the only advice given is, "Move on, forget about them, you deserve better, you need to start the healing process and BY GOD! NC!"

I can get that advice from my mother.

Now a lot of the questions asked here does warrant that advice big time especially the one about the lady in love with the drug user. I have even given the NC advice because that was a very unhealthy situation for her and her girls.

But

Some situations need a new option then NC and a new healing process that is far easier and less miserable then absolute NC. Seriously, how many of you who looking back at a relationship of yours that wasn't all that bad, wasn't abusive or unhealthy, but had a few minor problems, hurts, fights, etc. But you really didn't want to lose that person from your life completely. Would you have been willing to do a few simple things to change that situation? To change yourself?


What if there were another way? Would you have at least wanted to know about it? And OMG what if you actually tried it and found out for yourself how much easier it is and how much better you felt about yourself, your life?

And even if you never did get your "love" back, but yet you became so aware of your old programming and realized how you have been operating in relationships, that you can now fully enter into a new one completely capable of sustaining a loving, healthy, and happy relationship with someone new and completely compatible with you. Wouldn't that have been worth your time?

I would feel lucky to have such a choice if I didn't know that there was any other way

I am not going to say anything more about this subject. It seems there are people wanting to prove that they are right. I don't need to prove that. Choose the NC and see how that works for ya. You know how to contact me if you are searching for options.

Good luck

Puncture,

Hope things work/are working out. I think I (and others) mean NC as a way of moving on, of healing after a painful time. When I said that keeping in contact now would only guarantee that you two would have no chance in the future, I only meant that we have a tendency to say hurtful things and/or not see things clearly when we are 'caught up in the moment,' and so it's helpful sometimes to take a step back.

I certainly can understand how sometimes things are worth it. I guess it's just important to know that just because it's worth it to you and you're willing to make it work, that's sometimes not enough if she doesn't want it, and there's nothing you can do about it. Also, sometimes when we're this close to things, we'll see hope where there isn't actually any.

But! If I thought there was hope, false or not, and I knew that it might turn out painfully, and knew the consequences, and still thought it was worth it, then I don't think I could just give up either. We've all got to sleep at night, and leaving what ifs isn't any way to go either.

So, know that will alone isn't enough, and know that you might not be seeing things clearly, and if it's something you've got to do anyway, then man, go for it =), that's what I think. I really really hope it turns out well.

I finally got the chance to talk to my g/f about it.
Because her phone broke, we had to resort to MSN, which was absolutely horrible. It was slow and very inefficient. Basically, in order to convey each other's message, we had to concentrate on typing, not reading what the other person was saying. Realizing that there was now a HUGE miscommunication, I decided that we had to meet in person if we were to have a real conversation.
I drove an hour and met her. We went to a restaurant and we had a real nice long talk. There was no miscommunication and she understood everything I said. Then we went to a beach by the sunset and talked some more.
What she had in mind was that around her, there were many on-and-off relationships where she didn't understand why they would do that. She believed that if a relationship becomes on-and-off, there was no point in pursuing it. Therefore, by giving me a chance, in essence, she was going against her values (so to speak).
Now, I understand where she is coming from, but I thought she was being quite closed minded, because there are many people like Janmarie who have succeeded in having a good relationship in the end. However, because I had to respect her opinion, I suggested that then we should try again, but if she doesn't like it at any point, she was free to just finalize the break-up, and I would not stop her.
Now, I know what you guys are thinking... If I stopped her the first time, what's keeping me from stopping her again. To be honest, right now I have taken the power and given it completely to her. There is nothing that I can do from now on, except showing her the possibility that our relationship can be successful. Plus, this time the thought of the breakup will be constantly on my mind and hopefully be more prepared for it mentally.

She asked questions like, "So, basically after 1 day, if I don't like it then we can break up? And you will become my friend?" Which made think maybe she just wants me to be her friend after the break-up. Hell.. if she is that manipulative, then that's supporting me more for the break-up. So, right now all I have to do is do my best and wait if she will be satisfied with the way things are turning up.

Now, some good news is this. After the date at the beach, we went to her place to just chill together. She was quite cold and seemed to be in a bad mood. So I tried to be affectionate, but she said "I'm not in the mood. I mean.. we got back together couple of hours ago... I'm not used to this anymore." So, we just watched TV for a while and I just held her hand. After watching TV, it was late and so she got ready to go to bed and I prepared to leave. I left, but I forgot my car key so came back. I decided to give her a good night kiss, half-expecting her to say no. But, she accepted it and basically we had a nice intimate session. So, it ended in a good note, but I'm not too sure how things will be today and in the future.

From this, I realized that basically she was just holding her emotion for the entire time we were watching TV. When I left, she probably felt sad and probably missed me. But when I came back to get my keys, she wasn't expecting that and was left with her guard down, allowing her to open up towards me emotionally.
Perhaps, today, she will realize that she shouldn't have done that and might act cold again. But, now I know that she still has feelings for me, and I think that's a good thing.

Just me, I can't see wanting another chance with someone, who didn't want it as much as I did.

Ain't that much love in the world to make me wait for someone to give me something that they obviously don't feel.

Your love has you blinded.

Sex doesn't always mean she has feelings for you, it could be just a release.

If the issues that broke you up to begin with aren't addressed, then it won't work out.

Also, I'm with Tal, if someone is already talking about "if it fails" stuff, I'm out. I'm better than that

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Just me, I can't see wanting another chance with someone, who didn't want it as much as I did.
Ain't that much love in the world to make me wait for someone to give me something that they obviously don't feel.

Your love has you blinded.

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I have nothing to say to this because you are correct. Only more foolish attempts will hopefully allow me to see things truthfully and help me break this love-blindedness.

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Sex doesn't always mean she has feelings for you, it could be just a release.

If the issues that broke you up to begin with aren't addressed, then it won't work out.

Also, I'm with Tal, if someone is already talking about "if it fails" stuff, I'm out. I'm better than that

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I have a hard time believeing that she can have sex just for her own feelings. Why? Because she doesn't have much sex drive. When we went out, we barely had sex (although we did do other sexual stuff) because a) she is really scared of pregnancy (even if I wear condom) yet refuses to take birthcontrol because it could ruin her body. b) she just doesn't like sex. This is not just with me... it was with her previous b/f too.

So for her to act this way, in a way is a release, but she wouldn't do it with anybody unless she has feelings for that person. I don't know I hope you understand this.

All the issues have been addressed. I really took my time to get everything down. It's just a matter of whether she has the motivation to go for it one more time. As of now, she has very little.

I called her today to say good morning and to see if she wanted to see me. As expected, she sounded very cold and said she couldn't meet me because she already made plans from before. Apparently, she is booked all weekend... I guess she is still putting some distance between us and that tells me she isn't putting her full effort. Well, I just casually said that it was okay and maybe next time. I felt bad, but what can I do.. I can't force her to change her mind so quickly... I decided to take it slow... hopefully she will start to open up more.

I would advise you not to hold your breath, while you take it slow, and wait until she sees things your way.

Let us know how that works for you.

My head hurts from this epic saga, and I'm not even the one who keeps running into the wall. I can't even imagine how your head feels.

It's obvious she's not interested in working things out. She just wants to make you her back up plan for when she's lonely. Hope you enjoy riding the bench while she keeps calling up new players to play on her field. Don't worry though, eventually you'll pitch hit for an inning again

You just going to have to learn the hard way because I already know what way this is heading.

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

My head hurts from this epic saga, and I'm not even the one who keeps running into the wall. I can't even imagine how your head feels.

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This I agree... it feels like there's one obstancle after another to get this thing happening. Perhaps much harder than anticipated.

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It's obvious she's not interested in working things out. She just wants to make you her back up plan for when she's lonely. Hope you enjoy riding the bench while she keeps calling up new players to play on her field. Don't worry though, eventually you'll pitch hit for an inning again

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Well, I don't think she is doing it because she is lonely... but perhaps because I'm so insistence.

Anyway, any tips on how to try to get her to open up? I'm planning on just asking occasionally if she wants to go on a date or just hangout, and if she declines then I won't pursue it any further. I'll just ask her again later. I don't want her to feel negative toward this approach and end up telling me that she can't do it anymore. I want to probe and poke her just enough to see if she is willing to open up a bit, and if she isn't, then stop.
Also, I was thinking that perhaps roses and a nicely writte letter could help me here. Since she is saying that there is not enough time to go on a proper date, I can go to her house at night and just pass her the letter and the flowers. Quick meeting that really doesn't take much time. I think this won't offend her because technically we are still going out and I mean a boyfriend can prepare a surprise for her girlfriend right?
I know this could be cheesy, but I also thought of putting candles around me in a heart shape and me stand inside with the flowers and reading her the letter.
I just want to do something that will evoke her emotions. Perhaps reminding her of our earlier days (where I did such cheesy things).

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Originally Posted by friend4u178

By keeping in contact with her your just prolonging the inevitable , she's made up her mind and has only agreed to the 10 day thing because its what YOU wanted. The more you contact her now the more she knows she has control of the situation and the more it will push her away.

This makes her feel less guilty for breaking up with you but unfortunately the answer will be the same in 10 days.

Go strict No Contact and if its meant to be she will eventually come back. Sorry Pal but thats the way it works , we see it happen day in day out here.

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ELF5905
I agree no contact I'm a women the worst thing you can do is be BUG-ABOO that will turn any women off

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Originally Posted by punture

This I agree... it feels like there's one obstancle after another to get this thing happening. Perhpas much harder than anticipated.



Well, I don't think she is doing it because she is lonely... but perhaps because I'm so insistence.

Anyways, any tips on how to try to get her to open up? I'm planning on just asking occasionally if she wants to go on a date or just hangout, and if she declines then I won't pursue it any further. I'll just ask her again later. I don't want her to feel negative toward this approach and end up telling me that she can't do it anymore. I want to probe and poke her just enough to see if she is willing to open up a bit, and if she isn't, then stop.
Also, I was thinking that perhaps roses and a nicely writte letter could help me here. Since she is saying that there is not enough time to go on a proper date, I can go to her house at night and just pass her the letter and the flowers. Quick meeting that really doesn't take much time. I think this won't offend her because technically we are still going out and I mean a boyfriend can prepare a surprise for her girlfriend right?.
I know this could be cheesy, but I also thought of putting candles around me in a heart shape and me stand inside with the flowers and reading her the letter.
I just want to do something that will evoke her emotions. Perhaps reminding her of our earlier days (where I did such cheesy things).

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Man you are coming across so needy your going to push her away further , we've told you what to do and that is give her the space she asked for. You didn't even give her the 10 days that she only agreed to to apease you. The more you push her the more she'll pull away. Keep some dignity and go NC.

You are going over board with this romance thing this is 2009 men don't to that anymore either she wants you or she don't you should relax wait until she comes around I agree with previous email you are to needy let up!

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Originally Posted by friend4u178

Man you are coming across so needy your going to push her away further , we've told you what to do and that is give her the space she asked for. You didn't even give her the 10 days that she only agreed to to apease you. The more you push her the more she'll pull away. Keep some dignity and go NC.

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When you go NC, do you tell that person that you would want to end all contact with her, essentially forever?
For example, she said that, "can I call you if I really miss you and if I something to tell you?" and I said no... and that I needed time to sort all of these and move on.
Obvious implication of this is... perhaps at one point, she might be willing to give me a call to let me know that she would discuss about the relationship again, but realized that I said that and decides not to?

I'm not having a false hope here. Trust me... there is a reason why I told her to not contact me FOREVER. However, that doesn't mean that if she is serious about getting back together, then I would want her to let me know so that at that time I can make a better decision.

See you should've listen to us from the beginning because I already knew what the outcome was going be.

You say your not living on false hope but you are because you don't want to let go.

Let say you go NC and start your healing. 9 months from now you done healed and starting something with someone new. Then out of the blue she calls you and is ready to discuss your relationship will you listen and run back to her?

NC is for you not her. If she is lonely then she must find ways to deal with it. Your hurting and you don't need to hear about her life and what is new and don't even agree to this. This is just another part of her game and her way of having you around as her lifeboat.

People especially females know how much you care for them and when and how to use it to their advantage. She knows you still love and care for her and would most likely do anything for a second chance.

So don't partially go NC completely go NC. It is the only way unless you wanted stay stuck.

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Originally Posted by liz28

See you should've listen to us from the begining because I already knew what the outcome was going be.

You say your not living on false hope but you are because you don't want to let go.

Let say you go NC and start your healing. 9 months from now you done healed and starting something with someone new. Then out of the blue she calls you and is ready to discuss your relationship will you listen and run back to her?

NC is for you not her. If she is lonely then she must find ways to deal with it. Your hurting and you don't need to hear about her life and what is new and don't even agree to this. This is just another part of her game and her way of having you around as her lifeboat.

People especially females know how much you care for them and when and how to use it to their advantage. She knows you still love and care for her and would most likely do anything for a second chance.

So don't partially go NC completely go NC. It is the only way unless you wanted stay stuck.

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Thank you for your consistently well-thought advices.
I have implemented complete NC, but right now, I have no intention of turning her down if she does come back because I want to be in the relationship.

However, if she doesn't come back to me fast enough, I will move on. As you say, after 9 months, I would have moved on ahead and would have something new going on for me. If she comes back to me then... I would have to reject her (unless she is starting fresh with me). For example, I would have to reject her if she comes back saying, "I was an idiot 9 months ago... let's have a go at this again." Unless I still have a strong feelings for her, I would say no... On the other hand, if she approaches me as almost a stranger, getting to know me again, then I would have no problem seeing if my feelings for her would develop again.

It all depends on my state of mind at the moment. But for now, I'm going ahead with NC.

These are red flags as to where your feelings are at, they show you haven't started the healing process, and overcome the shock of the break up.

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I have no intention of turning her down if she does come back because I want to be in the relationship.

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she might be willing to give me a call to let me know that she would discuss about the relationship again, but realized that I said that and decides not to?**

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Recognize these are subtle forms of false hope. Leaving the back door open so to speak, and will slow your healing down, or sabotage the whole process.

Its amazing that for the most part, after you have healed, and rebuilt your life, I doubt seriously if you will want to go back, or want her back as a romantic interest..

** this is just fear.

Got to spread it Tal, but that's exactly what happened with me(if the OP needs proof) I moved on, healed and finally got to living my life the way I want. She came back asking for another chance, I was already with someone(now my fiance) and things couldn't be better

Your age - 20?

The best solution for a break-up isn't getting back together, or wanting someone to 'take you back'. It's a sales pitch for all the lonely hearts out there who just want to end the pain and not learn from the experience.

That is not the best solution and when you have gained some life experience you will understand that it definitely isn't the answer for a lot of relationships. Continuing dysfunction is not a solution.

Face reality.Its over.The 10 day thing was just a way to have to not see you. She was hoping that you won't call.If she wants 10 days that's so stupid.She doesn't want you.Dont call and get on with your life.Did you ever hear the old sayng that there are many fish in the sea.Find someone that really cares about you and that wants to be with you all the time.

It's been 10 days since the break-up.
I've been keeping myself busy by exercising and hanging out with my friends. I was able to get in touch with some of my "girl" friends that I lost contact of.

I'm not sure if it is right for me to start dating again. I have the urge to move on, but at the same time I'm afraid that if I go out with someone, it would be more like a rebound...

Any suggestions as to what I should be doing right now?

Don't start dating till you're sure you're ready but that don't mean don't communicate with girls. Keep them around as friends for now. Try get to know but don't jump the gun

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Originally Posted by punture

It's been 10 days since the break-up.
I've been keeping myself busy by exercising and hanging out with my friends. I was able to get in touch with some of my "girl" friends that I lost contact of.

I'm not sure if it is right for me to start dating again. I have the urge to move on, but at the same time I'm afraid that if I go out with someone, it would be more like a rebound...

Any suggestions as to what I should be doing right now?

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Elf... I suggest you move on there was a reason why you broke up the 1st time don't waste your time. Leave the past in the Past! Take it from me I have experience I would not them again that's Dead weight! THere is someone better

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I'm not sure if it is right for me to start dating again.

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Dates with expectations of romance and connection- No, your not ready.

Dates for fun and friendship- Now that's a lot different, and highly recommended.

Actually they are the same, its your attitude going in, that makes the difference.

Thanks talaniman.

You know.. after concentrating on one woman for 2 years, it is quite hard to approach new girls and try to get to know them. Sigh... It's kind of sad... lol

Don't see it as sad, take it as a challenge to be a more social person, and gain some personal skills. Its never easy to make adjustments, but start with what you like to do, and go from there.

Its easier to get to know people who have the same interests as you do, that applies to men or woman. Don't make it about your needs to have someone, as far as females go, but just see them as someone to know, and learn about.

I think you will find out a lot you didn't know about yourself.