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My advice always leans towards telling the truth and following my heart.
But there are two sides to everything...
I know a woman that told her boyfriend how she felt, and it lead to their break-up. I think she's regretting it now, because their "friends with benefits" relationship was going pretty good up until then.
Agreed.Quote:
Originally Posted by makapuu
I disagree with this. Granted, I'm assuming a lot from two sentences but from what you describe it was never a solid relationship of any kind. They were never boyfriend/girlfriend if they were friends with benefits. This is exactly the problem people in these relationships form. They confuse what they are and never make it clear to themselves or there sexual partner. The rules for the relationship changed for her but not for him in what you describe above. But she wasn't honest with herself because if she had feeling for him and he didn't for her, then she was just going to be used from that point forward. It was in HER best interest to speak up even if it did end the relationship, because once she was over the pain of the rejection she was clear minded to move forward. That could not have happened if she stayed and "waited" for him to change his mind, while she emotionally suffered.Quote:
Originally Posted by makapuu
I agree with Chuff on this. I'm dreading the talk because I can't calculate the outcome. I like to be prepared. But at the same time I know I have to have the talk. (thanx to chuff for pulling me back in)
I think your friend was prob better of in the long run. I personally do feel that If he will never feel the same about me, it ain't worth my time. I also feel that for me, personally, myself respect would take a dive from it... and I really do not wish to go there.
I tried talking to him to day, but chickened out :p might do it later today though... He's been a little distant the past two weeks, so I just want to get it over with. Either way, I won't see him the next too weeks anyway...
Here I go again, sex may be great, and so are the walks in the park, and the ice cream in the summer, but no relationships can survive when there is no honest communications, and when your feelings change, your partner should be the second one to know, so you both can make a good decision based on facts.
Break ups may hurt, but that's not a bad thing. Not wishing you bad luck Roxy, but when partners can't deal with the changes that come up in a relationship, they leave.Quote:
I'm dreading the talk because i can't calculate the outcome. I like to be prepared
Acknowledging your changing feelings is something he needs to know, plain and simple. Glad your working to that end, it's the best way to go, whatever he chooses to do about it.
I had a talk with him last night.
I told him that I needed to talk to him about something that had been on my mind lately, I said that I had realized that I could fall in love with him.
He said: that's not good. This means we have to end it. I can't see us working in the long run.
Me: what is it that you believe can't work out.
Him: we are too different, similar on some points , but different and for me it would never work in the long run. And I'm not willing to try something that I don't believe in.
Me: that the funny part, how too people ca preserve something in such a different manner. Because I think it could. But that doesn't mean that I don't respect the way you feel about it.
I spent the night at his house and he drove me to the bus I'm currently on. Going to pick up my stuff in two weeks. He asked if we could stay friends, I said yes, but Don't expect me to come visit. And then he asked: what if we meet at a party or at your brothers place; would you talk to me? I said: yes, but the chances of that are slim to none, so I wouldn't worry about it..
He took that as a sign that I would avoid him, which I told him isn't true. Its only the more realistic way of seeing things. I also told him that it started to change for me when it stopped being about the sex and started to be about him. For me sex and to only have focus on sex, in the long run is just meaningless. He wanted me to sleep in his arms, I said it was too hard, he offered to go sleep on the couch I said he didn't have to... it was painful but not that painfull.
I have never been rejected like this before... maybe because I always leave before I can be. I have been hurt though, but the first thing I noticed was my intense want and need to change his mind last night, if I could have forced his hand to try for just a littlře while. I would have, Must say it was quite and interesting emotion.
Thank you all for your advice and help with this! Even though things are a little more painful today, then what they where 12 hours ago, I'm happy I did it. I'm happy I told him and was honest with him as well as myself. I honestly believe that if I stop being honest with myself at any point in life I'll sgtop growing eventually as a person. (see upside ;))
If anything, I am one more lesson richer! And like you said Chuff at least I could walk out this morning, kind of sad, but at least I could hold my head high.
Thank you!
I'm honestly sorry because from his actions I thought he felt the same way. I feel like I've led you on a little bit and it turns out it was not the case.
But Roxy, this is in my opinion, good news. No more wondering, no more mood swings, no more sex where you are drawn closer and he's not caring. In the short term it's hurts but in the long term it's the best thing for you.
I like how you are turning the negative into a positive. There will always be challenges in life. Getting something for the future out of them only makes you stronger.
OK tell him you love him. With my boy friend I said I loved him too. Also do not use the word "lovers" unless you have had sex
Since it is your first post I will spare you the reddie but this is beyond ridicules if you actually read the thread... or even Roxy's last post.Quote:
Originally Posted by musick_freak26
You know the drill, heal first before you move on.
Sorry for his loss.
Roxy I am sorry the outcome wasn't differ but at least you are at peace now.
He just didn't want nothing serious. Me and my fiancé have some things in common but not everything and it works for us. I can't image us not having different opinons, hobbies, etc.
Remember what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.
Chuff> No worries, I kind of had a feeling this would happen. He is more commitment phobic then anyone I have ever know, I've known this all along, got to admit that I had like a tiny tiny tiny hope he would gotten rid of some of it, but I wasn't surprised by his decision.
But yeah, I think its for the better! Now I know. Now I don't have to wonder, and it is true as Tal commented earlier; I was growing more attached to him... I wasn't really in love yet...
And I'm lucky, I have great friends and I'm surrounded by lots of people who love me and appreciate me just the way I am. :) Besides, I got to know a great person and I learned a thing or two about being calm and we had fun together
At the end of the day, when the emotions calm down: I'm going to take the good, leave the bad, and move on. Lol found me a couple of happy songs (I love music and I like to use it when I'm sad... either to stay sad for a bit or in this case cheer me up ;) )
Tal: Love your comment! Thank you. That's how I see it too. His loss!
Couldn't give you a greenie Liz, but thank you! So true, this is a lesson and I'm kind of proud I was able to tell him, proud I stood up for the way I feel and I didn't run away or back away. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by liz28
You did yourself a real favor. Peace of mind is much better than what you had before.
We only go around once. We can't waste time on people or things that are not good for us.
You're smart. You know what to do, and I agree with Tal, Sorry for his loss. : )
Survior> so true, life\s too short! ;) thank you. And yes it really is his loss :)
Better now than later, when all your time is invested into something that isn't what you expect it to be. =P There are many people out there Roxy that is looking for the same things you are XD
So true None! So true ;)
Is it uncommon to kind of disliking him for being so nice about it? He actually sendt me a text on Monday saying he was glad he got the chance to know me and that he thought it was good and brave of me to tell him and that he appreciated me being honest about it, so that none of us ended up hurt. I kind of wish he would be mean so that I could like hate him a little... just a tinzy bit... lol... I'm going to let it go. (my defence; 2.5 days in)
From Roxypox
I wish people would realize that the cure for a "commitment phobe" is for them to find the "one." If you think he's a commitment phobe, then he must think that you're not the one. There is nothing wrong with that.Quote:
Chuff> No worries, I kind of had a feeling this would happen. He is more commitment phobic then anyone I have ever know, I've known this all along, got to admit that I had like a tiny tiny tiny hope he would gotten rid of some of it, but I wasn't surprised by his decision. XD
Thank you for your opinion, and you might very well be right. Who knows... but personally I don't believe in the concept of the one. I honestly don't... That is just too unrealistic for me. Of course I do respect the fact that others believe in it... ;) (out of the, what 7 billion people out there, only one can be right for me? I honestly don't think so. Even if I'm young, I have loved and been loved by several people. And of course I'm not going to be right for eveyone I feel can be right for me. Sad fact of life. But a fact none the less.)
But thank you for taking the time to answer. :)
Update:
We went 8 days with No Contact. I sent him a text asking if I could come and pick up my stuff on Saturday (the 30th)
On that Saturday, He picked me up at moms house and his best friend was with him. We went to his house. I gathered my stuff. He asked if I wanted something to drink so I stayed for a couple of hours just chatting with them.
When I was about to leave he said he and his dog could walk with me. He told me that his mom had invited me to this thing at the end of June. And that he told her I was busy.
I asked him; what? You haven't told her?
Him: no I don't want to have yet another talk with mom and grandma, where they are mad at me for never opening up to people, and for guarding myself... besides she'll be sad. I don't want that either.
He also apologized for being so hard when he we talked on the 17th and that he didn't mean to say things the way he did... I just said that if the words you said are what you mean, then it doesn't really matter how you say it... you still mean it. He said, that's true, but I didn't really mean all the words I said and I didn't mean to be so cold and hard about it.
Seriously I have no idea what he's talking about and I don't know, when I faced him on Saturday I just put on my cold-hearted-sally face and pretended like it didn't face me at all.
Also for the last three days he has been inviting me to come and watch a movie and eat dinner...
Could he be missing what he had? I think so, but its more important he say it, so you don't assume it.
He, unlike you, is less of a risk taker. Why is he so guarded with others? Curious.
I think he's conflicted. He likes you but he also afraid of commitment so he can't bring himself to go any further.
I think that too. But of course he would never come out and say it... and I don't reallyw ant to assume it either.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I don't know why he's so guarded... but when I met his mom she said way more to me about him then what he would have appreciated. (or course it makes sense now, if she keeps telling him to let his guard down... )
But from what I understand, he went through a nasty break up when he was 20. (yup over 8 years ago) and he's only talked to me about it twice... The first time he just told me that he hadn't been in a relationship in over 8 years, and it was the only realationship he's had. They were together for two years... the second time he told me that they never used protection and never got pregnant, but that the girl had gotten pregnant with a 41 year old (rigt after the break up) (of course from this one can assume many things, so I tried to just not keep out of it... I kind of regret that I never asked any questions once the door was open though. Mostly because I was kind of shocked)
Also both him and his mom talked to me about his dad... how he left them when he was 6... he's not so open about this subject either.
He has talked to me about it a few times... when it was just the two of us.
He has admitted that the only person he has been peeved with his is dad, he is also the only person he has ever hit. And that he hasn't seen his dad since he was a teenager. He came to his confirmation and gave him a gift. Later it turned out that the gift wasn't from his dad at all, but his dad's wife... and that his dad had taken some of the money. When he has talked to me about it he's sounded bitter, when his dad ever came up and his friends were there, he pretended to be all cool about it.
Do you think he would actually give me an answer if I ever asked? (at a convenient time that is) He is very guarded though. All emotional subjects have been of the table.
As for risk taking... I think you're right. I am a risk taker and I really don't think he is. He even said that once, he doesn't like taking risks... people just end up hurt that way.
When we talked on the 18th and on Saturday he said that he thought it was good that we stopped when we did, so that either of us gets hurt... of course I'm thinking... how can you get hurt if you don't take a risk? I even told him that I was the one who risked getting hurt...
Wow, he has a lot of issues from his dad and past relationship and that's why he is the way he is. More than likely he thinks if he starts to get close and let his guard down the person will just leave. However, sooner than later he is going have to let go that fear unless he wants to be old and alone. I wouldn't want that.
I've have been in relationships were guys have broken my trust and hurt me. I just to think that all guys was the same and I would never find someone worth while due to my emtional bagagge. But I let my bagagge go because it was to heavy and change my way of thinking. I know I missed out on some great guys before I release the bagagge but I still found my fiancé.
Hopefully his way of thinking will change and he is still hurting from his father let downs. It is sad what his father did but he got to find a way to let that go to.
Tell him to watch the movie "Hitch" perfect for people not wanting to let their guard down.
There is a quote at the end(I was very guarded with relationships before) it goes something like "Being in love is like jumping out of a plane without a parachute thinking you can fly, and the whole way down you keep wondering "why the hell did I jump"
As attached, and attracted, as we are though, sometimes our judgment has to be clear, to evaluate if someone is really worth the risk. Sadly people don't change just because we want them too.
It's a red flag that he has carried his baggage for so long, and not started to unpack them.
Had to spread the rep but your right.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
He has to want to change his ways and if he is having problems doing so then maybe he should get himself into counseling.
And Roxy you need to let him go instead of holding on or waiting for him to change. Even if the two of you decided to give a relationship another shot the same problems will occure again. And you don't to get on this rollercoaster ride again.
Rome: love the quote!
Tal and Liz: true... it really is up to him to change and he has carried his baggage for a long time and it really is something to keep in mind (not unpacking his baggage).
On the one hand I think I know better then to sit her with my hands in my lap waiting for him to change, but on the other, I got to admit; it is tempting to do so. (false hope and all... ) Of course I think that's the part of me that miss his company and dry sense of humor talking, while the sensible part just wants to move the heck on with my life and stop thinking about him at all...
I have made some progress (as for moving on with my life... I've started to plan my graduate degree (courses, graduate thesis and a possible stay in the US for a semester).
And Liz you are right about the endless loop it would most likely be...
Update:
I wasn't really sure if I wanted to give an update or not
Gosh things have been more or less crazy lately. My summer vacation started with the disappearance and death of a young man that I grew up with. He was 19 years old when he disappeared around the 20th of June and I've known him since he was 3. They found him a week later, he had gone into the forest that surrounds the area we grew up in and hung himself.
Heart breaking... I'm not even sure if that word covers it. I honestly feel that no words can convey the way I feel about it.
The guy I wrote about in this thread (B) and I we are still friends and yes we have hung out some and we have slept together, so that's defiantly a step backwards. But I did figure out that I have no feelings for him when he told me he loved me but didn't feel that we were a good match. He also started talking about what would happen if I moved in and that if I did, say next year, it would probably work out well, but we're still not a good match. I got no idea what he is talking about. He has mentioned this twice and all I tell him is that I really can't understand what he means. I will say that I do appreciate his friendship and that he is one of the few people in my life I can talk to about school and school stuff.
About 4 weeks ago I met a guy and we started dating. He got me fooled pretty nicely at first. He seemed like a really nice guy, and almost everything about him seemed good in my book. And then it started. He turned out to have a shallow out look on life. He had racist opinions (whic I really can't stomach! I really can stand it! I honestly don't think that people should be judged by the color of their skin, their religion or the way they look.) he also seemed more or less obsessed with dissing how people look; and when he made a smart-a$$ remark about my cousin and her weight I totally snapped!
The whole thing turned into a mess and he showed me a truly ugly side of himself. And ended with him sending me the ugliest text I've ever received.
I also met my x boyfriend when I was out on Friday. He wanted to talk about last year which was really bad... we had a talk about it and I told him that I could never go back to him or to move backwards and into last year in anyway. What's done is done and there is nothing that will change the way things was or how things ended. He made his choice and it was to threat me badly and to tear me apart!
On the upside I finished my bachelor degree, I got an A on my bachelor paper and I got into grad school. My sister is getting a dog so he will move in with us in August. LOL I also figured out that right now I'm not ready to move into dating or a relationship. But when I am ready for it, I won't be scared to commit. Commitment isn't such a scary thought for me any more.
And school will deff. Be very important for me in the next 2 years. ;)
In all honesty I feel that for every step I take forward (at least this month) is followed by two steps back. LOL it might be because just so many thing has happened this past month and I've made some decisions that might not have been all that good. I am proud of how I handled my x though, and the guy I dated. I will say that I took a stand and stood up for myself.
thank you all for the support you've shown and the great advice you guys have given me since October. I really appreciate everything you guys have done. And I really do find it comforting to know that if a problem or situation arises, I can come here and talk about it and you guys will knock some sense into me when needed.
love
Roxy.
Congrats on your degree Roxy, and even though you have been through some tough times, it does a heart well, to see you growing through it, with your head up. That's a formula for success.
I am happy for you, and glad your part of my cyber family.
Thank you so much Tal! I'm gald you're a part of my cyber family as well!
I have to say that even though it has been rough. I have handled it well, and I feel stronger then I've ever felt before. And that's just such a great feeling. :)
After reading your post I feel that both of you are not intrested each other, both of you don't have trust each other.
First leave him for 1 month, and after 1 month think what you really want...
Don't force yourself for love...
Your don't hold love, if you really in love it will become reality.
Thank you for your answer? Did you read all of the posts or just my Original post (OP), the Op was written in the middle of may and I have come far since then... and you are right. We don't hold love for one another. It was attachment... and unwillingness to let go of what we had.Quote:
Originally Posted by chhad yar
Congrats Roxy!! You're a strong, smart young woman. You've accomplished so much, even with a little "growing pains" along the way, but they are necessary to gain the knowledge you need to be a happy, successful person, and you seem well on your way!
Well, I believe that you shouldn't be the who admits her love unless you see it in both of his eyes that his hear beats slowly and quickly at the same time when he sees u dear.
Another one who didn't bother to read the whole thread, and not just the original post?? :eek::rolleyes:Quote:
Originally Posted by Why-Man
Yup! LOL kind of hard to understand the whole story that way. :rolleyes:
:cool:
Seems like you've come a long way from when you first posted this question. Glad that you learned so many things from this experience.
It might seem like you took 1 step forward and 2 steps, but I disagree. I think you took many steps forward and maybe a few steps sideways. I haven't seen too many (if any) steps back.
LOl I wish, I'm glad to hear that! Yeah, I feel I'm growing and I def know more about what I want now and that always helpful. :)
UPDATE:
Gosh, I feel so silly for asking this... and for even getting back into the dance with Mr. B.
So we are hanging out, we are back to where we were before I ever posted the OP. Why? Well when I dated that guy this summer (Mr. And lol I'll call him that) I realized several things;
1. I'm not that afraid of committing as I have been
2. I'm not ready for a commitment right now
3. I have too much going on to be someone's GF
4. I have all my bases covered, why committ to someone on a deeper lvl when I've already got someone in my life that I like, that I can watch movies with, hang out with, party with, relax with, share a bed with etc. etc. etc.
5. Mr. And and I were not compatible what so ever and also if I had to choose, I'd choose between the two I'd choose B every time!
Also, all those issues I experienced when I wrote the OP all that stress was me taking on some of B's issues as well... He's tense so I grow tense. Now, I'm totally relaxed, because I know what I want.
Do I love him? Well I don't know, I really don't. If I do, I honestly can't feel it. I care though! I care a whole lot, but I grew up knowing that love can be painful, parents leave, people leave and it made me close of. I can cut of feelings for others quickly if I see that I'll get hurt and maybe that's what I'm doing with him. Maybe I care a whole lot more then I dare admit to myself. But he's stand of ish and he already rejected me once, I'm not letting that be an option right now, there has been enough pain this summer and there has been enough... well stuff happening.
Anyway. I do get confused by him. He still throws stuff out there that leaves me wondering what to do, say and think about it.
A month after we kind of 'parted' ways... he told me (when we were drunk of course) that he loved me and that he thought it was very sad that I had taken all of my things and left. The most upsetting thing for him was me taking my tooth brush with me... so now we have a deal. If I take my tooth brush with me, I don't want to come back... i.e. as long as I have a toothbrush at his house he knows that I'll come back. (how messed up are we? We are two emotionally messed up people! LOL just had to point out that I'm fully aware of this :rolleyes:)
Two weeks after this he asked me if I was in love with him yet and I laughed and said; NO!
About three weeks ago he tells me (not under the influence) that he loves me, he loves me a whole lot, but he's not in love with me. Although he does appreciate me and if I'm in his life for 3 years or more, he'd def miss me if I suddenly disappeared from his life. The last statement is BS, because the few times he hasn't seen me for two weeks, he misses me.
Yesterday he told me that all of his friends think that I'm head over heels in love with him... I didn't really answer this, I just told him that they can believe what they want. When I hesitated to say more he added; and besides who would want to the pain? (i.e. being in love with him)
The thing I find confusing is that I don't know what to do about him and I don't know how to talk to him about this, I try but then I'm kind of stuck, cause no matter how I answer I feel like I can't win. If I'm in love with him (you know deep inside, where I can't feel anything about this) I lose, If I'm not I lose...
One side of me feels as if he is testing me, he's not a risk taker, and quite honestly I'm want to believe that what he says is true... but then he tells me (like he did today): You can't believe everything I say, but you can believe what I do... I have no idea what that means...
I know, I should have walked away when I had the chance and now I'm so deep in this that I really don't know how... how do you walk away from something that, over-all, works great? We have fun, we enjoy each others company... I just don't like the feelng of knowing where I have him...
Thank you guys for putting up with my drama ;) I really do appreciate it!
Love,
Roxy:)
Hej roxy-i really think you need to take some time out on this one-is this making you truly happy?kram monica
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