Ask Me Help Desk - 4 yrs girlfriend having confusion

Quote:

She said she couldn't like 2 guys at the same time. She's starting to have feeling towards a guy thru texting for just ONE WEEK! She admit that the guy was sweet and caring. I told her that it is just a temporary switching of targets in between relationships that she must not fall into the sweet phrases or words the guy use! HELP ME, she asked me to wait,

To me, this is unacceptable. Its one thing to get dumped for another guy, but quite another to go back to a person who dumps you for that reason.

There is nothing she could say to make me want her back, and no way do I even set myself up for more rejection.

That makes her talk, IRRELEVANT, and I wouldn't even entertain it. You will learn one day about dignity, and self respect one day and reject this BS!!!!

Updates, She finally tell me about the reason for a talk. That is after the last talk we had that I thought I could put things on a good end, she went back home and thought about a lot of stuffs. In the end she thought that things might be different. She said she has feelings towards me, she said all the nasty stuff during the break up is because that she knew I would not accept the break up and will not improve myself. Well I agree that in some part I'm not that good towards her, perhaps a little drop in passion in between our relationship, not enough care, but definitely increasing before the break up.

She said we could try, so well, its quite acceptable since it's a different point of view on the break up. There's one thing, she still don get it that I'm the one who's suppose to improve. On the phone she emphasizes on how we could get together still in the future by improving this that, of course this pisses me and I remind her of some of her red flag attitudes e.g. very sensitive and getting mad easily over something she failed to get from me. Well the prob is she WANTS something from me rather than RECEIVE it from me. She's just too passive and she said that calling me and talking about all these makes her feel like she had lower her dignity. Isn't begging you with all I can after the break up something I did that I lost all my dignity in a moment? Is doing something to get what you really want through begging a real BIG DEAL? That's what I said to her. Decided to be friends and see how it goes. I have a bad feeling about this girl since she hasn't change. Before trying to start a friendship or whatever, she once said that its not the time yet. Guess what, the answer is she wants to see more change in me. Just a deep grin inside of me, this girl is nuts... unless she changes, things will work. If no we'll just be friends for some moment and wala! Byebye.. I will update soon. The Sunday night talk is still on, we'll see what I can dish out from her.

It will never work unless you BOTH make adjustments. What about the sweet guy she was texting at work? Hmmm, a lot of things seem to have gone unsaid, and unquestioned.

You both are not going to work out because you expect too much from each other. There is a line from a hit song in the 90's

"Don't expect too much from and you might not be let down"

The sweet guy is just to try to make me accept the breakup she said. She didn't contact the guy anymore soon after the break up. Yes, the problem is she is asking things from me which I don't like. So I think I'll just stay as "friends". Sunday's talk turned into sushi making session... Agh.. Sick!

Update, we talked things out. She said she love me she can't be with me because she's afraid when we quarrel she couldn't focus on her studies anymore and her mom said that she should enjoy some time being single now. She sees us together in the future but its hard to wait when its not 100% confirmed. Sigh... Is a girlfriend that cannot promise her boyfriend that she will get attracted to other guys a no no or its logic?

Yes, that is a huge no-no. While it is human nature to find others attractive, it is not human nature to act upon those feelings.

Read at least 150 pages, I will bet my house that you will see this line at least 95% of the time "I see us together in the future but not right now"

Quote:

"I see us together in the future but not right now"

Translation- I'm trying to let you down gently, so take the hint, please, and bug the freak off!!

Quote:

Sigh... Is a girlfriend that cannot promise her boyfriend that she will get attracted to other guys a no no or its logic?

Its unrealistic to think a partner will only have attraction just to you. Forget that! But its reasonable to expect they will stay within the boundaries of good behavior. Feelings may change but good behavior doesn't and dumping someone because of the attractions to someone else is within those boundaries. Much better than cheating. Let her go.

Agh, we love each other.. . She has problems with insecurity where I didn't call her up like we discussed on the days during my college time. I'm so confused, can we be friends? As in maintaining feelings towards each other in a long run? Or getting busy with our own lives till some day might be even better for the "love between"? Thanks for the advise, NC took all the pain out for the past 2 months..

No it is not possible for you two to be friends right now, there is too much emotional dust for that to occur

I see... Being friends have to be the day till we both have no feelings toward each other and so on right. So the point is to erase each other from our lives and if there really is chance we might get go know each other in the future.

You'll have to wait and see what the future brings.

Even more painful than breaking up... Thanks guys. I'll continue to post what I feel daily or weekly. I'm going for my further studies on 15 July. God shall lead me..

Quote:

Originally Posted by bswc

I see... Being friends have to be the day till we both have no feelings toward each other and so on right. So the point is to erase each other from our lives and if there really is chance we might get go know each other in the future.

That's absolutely right. Make a clean break for now and if you cross each other's paths in the future that's another story. You two are both young and a lot changes when you're young.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bswc

She said she feels like i'm a family member, a best friend of her but just missing out the feeling of couple. That's *In Love excitement* i think. .

This is basically saying she loves you like a brother. She's not in love with you. Does that make sense?

I met her up at her house, we hugged and was close together.. I left and said sorry. Painful, but worth all as a closer.

Regarding the break up reason, it all came clear as I screw up before, took her as granted long time ago ( improved after that ) and her own reason of insecurity + unable to take up a relationship due to pressure from family problems and studies. Its like AGH I'm messed up and I messed my boyfriend too. She can't be in a relationship now, what she thinks is when she finishes her studies I would find her. Well, all I said about that is find me when you think you really want. I will improve myself and leave all her thoughts that stopped our relationship to herself... Its painful when we loved each other but couldn't get together. If only someone can affect her positively rather than making her gone forever. Its all god's will... I shall obey.

I keep having her images over my mind.. Just want to YELL THAT picture out! Hit Hard in the gym but lack of strength just isn't pulling it to satisfactory level :)

Anyone here to give me some advise or any support to relief the ache? I'm leaving my hometown soon..

Be patient, and stay busy, it takes time to refill the whole in your soul, and make new memories to replace the old ones.

How long before you leave?

Leaving my home town in 9 days. I tried to keep it secret from my ex but my sister whom I didn't even contacted somehow talked to her through phone, with all the " he's feeling really sad" and telling her the time of when my course will start. I planned to remind my sister to keep it secret before but I just called it off because I won't be bothered. This left another topic my ex brag about that I don't let her know when I'm going to leave. She even asked me to call her when I'm at the airport. Nonsense, I said no. Acted abit jerky but when she's talking to me she slightly commanded me like I'm still her boyfriend, no thanks.. I just smiled inside.

That's good dude. Its great that you were able to smile inside. :D

Smile with pain like u've all experienced... Thanks for the support. False hopes hit me after I went for a talk with her and end up with little romance..

Need towards girlfriend wanting to be friends, need space bla bla bla

Threads merged

Hi everyone, I guess that most of the time we've ended our relationship through the way your GF saying she needs space, she feel like you are a good friend, she wants you to be a friend.

I'm wondering How the heck do girls around the world come up with such a pattern when it comes to breaking up with *love. I suggest that you experts out there can give us some reminder, tips or ways to prevent a relationship going down this road. Perhaps post another sticky would be really helpful for everyone here. Its heart breaking when both us are in love and ended pathetically. It's a great loss.. Thanks people!

Basically they are using it as an excuse because many people like a reason or closure.
They don't want to walk away making you feel like you did something wrong so 'need my space, need a break, we can still be friends' is a way of placing the blame on them and not you.

Some people just feel that they got too much too quick into something and realize that they haven't gotten to experience other things in life. Then they picture them still in the relationship 5 -10, 20-30 years down the road in the relationship and wondering if they will be regretting that they never did some things in life because they were tied down in a relationship.

If you don't feel comfortable with 'friends only' tell her that you don't want to be friends.
The one breaking up doesn't have the market on setting the rules.

Nice one, wonder why its mostly in females. So people out there, I'm not saying dating at a young age is not going to work but at a certain point of view it usually Don't. Wonder why women doesn't come up with other reasons..

Because guys either use avoidance and figure she will get the message by them not calling or coming around. Or they just become such a jerk that the girl wants to leave then they don't have to.
So their way of breaking up really isn't a better alternative.

Girls use the excuse because they want to part without the fighting or without hurting the guys feelings.

You have know that relationships comes with no guarantees. It only works if both parties involved wants it to work. If one person isn't on board then there is nothing you can do but accept it. People change their minds and once they do the relationship is over.

Now it is not only girls who use this as an excuse because some of my relationships ended by the guy using the "I need space thing" on me. So don't think nor believe for one minute that only females uses this line. It been used for years by both sexes.

A sticky regarding this issue would be useless in my opinion so the only thing you can do at this point is move on and work on your healing. There are helpful stickies to help + guide you through it.

Thanks, I'd like posts with points and tips in a way to make a relationship better. We've had enough stickies to help in healing already. We can be better through breakups, but there will always still be space for improvement and little bits all around that we might miss during another relationship.

Most time, we can only answer the question that's asked, and as you can see most questions come after a break up. That's why the stickies are about moving on. But there are a lot of questions here about relationship problems, just ask the question.

I don't think anyone has a sure fire formula for making a particular relationship work though. If they did, they would be cashing in big time.

That's real true. 9 more hours before my departure. Its bed time and I've heard nothing from her. Kind of still having that false hope squeeking around the corner... Remembering that she asked me to contact her before I leave, all she knew is my course is 15 July, not knowing my flight is soon... one part is hoping that she called and I can just ignore and hanging on the ******* false hope and another part trying to be a man in pain and sorrow, moving on. AGH PAINFUL HEARTACHE after packing up and saw the photos she printed out for our last anniversary..

Haha my girlfriend well ex was doing the same thing always running into problems, never time to talk, in the end I told her I can't do it, it turned out that she lost her interest in me as a boyfriend so I dumped her but we are still friends, dude don't get in her way if she's trying to enter university you better move because that is the most important part of her life!

Ladies and gentlemen, I've broke NC. I felt bad, its was like coccaine, I couldn't stop it for a while.. Things goes normally for months of NC, since I left my hometown for studies, I've received several texts from my ex saying:
Hi, How are u?
Hi, where are you now?
I miss you..
Sorry the message wasn't typed by me, it was my fren
Hi How are u.

At the last message I broke NC.

Me: Yes? Do u remember what you said you wan? ( I was referring to her wanting SPACE )
She : Ha?
Me: You said you want space, hope you understand.
She: Yes I want space, but what do you mean by that?

I didn't reply
She: I really wish to know what you mean by that...

Since I replied her text I feel like a total shipwreck. Its horrible, like I got obsessed, it was painful, feeling my nerves all over, drag be back down to the pit of extreme pain. Sooner later, another fren of mine coincidently told me smthing about her saying she's always studying in the library with a guy but not couples yet. *(&(% this hurts even though I tried not to care about it.. but I got me, back to square one...

I hate being emo, its hard to accept that she gave up on the relationship. I'd put 100% of my heart in this relationship, for the future.

I feel the need of comfort, but I'd never had a best fren, a fren to drink with, a fren to hug, a fren to tell all my problems, I'm more to my partner than getting a fren... I prayed hard, but I know this is what god wants me to go through..

We have all messed up, some more than others (like yours truly). You are human, so forgive yourself for being such. Vent to us if it makes you feel better.

I got a text from my ex
"Do u know how pain am i because of ur words"
I think she isn't in the situation.. Normally it would be, I dump u, say byebye. In such a way it would be easier for me to move on ( I am the dumpee). If I would reply her I could make it a clearer situation but on the same way it could have bring some pain to me. If I would ignore her then I'd ignore a chance to make things better both of us. Helping others is my nature.. I need advise..

You need to let this go.stick to N C you should nt allow yourself to remain in this mess anylonger.you need to heal.for you no one else.

Helping others is in everyone's nature. You, however, can't expect to help others when you are an emotional wreck yourself. Do NOT use the "she needs help" excuse to break NC. She has others to help her through this. It is a break up, it is life, both of you lose all of the friend and relationship privileges...

One day you are going to wake up to reality and see that this needs to end sooner rather than later.

Sometimes our instinct to help others makes things worse, for them, and us. Stand pat, and don't stir up feelings that need to be dealt with by you both as individuals.

Good intentions, don't make good solutions, in this case.

Thanks for the wise advise, I just hope that someone is there to teach her stuff like this. We would make it great if there's a goo counsellor as third party to give guidance sometimes while having communication probs..

That's a painful move.. knowing that sacrificing for the better is not a better, being selfish for myself is the better choice..