Michelle
When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us."
Get the picture?

I'd live with your friend. Help your friend out where you can.

Seems like relied on this guy way too much - too meedy.

I don't consider this guy a friend at all. Personally, after what he has put you through he should be cut out of your life.

BUT, he has doen you a favor - a kick in the rear. Time to do things for yourself. Get the job, move out on your own, find new friends, find a new lover.

Don't be his friend. Too hard. You need him out of your life so you can rocover. The more time you spend with him the harder it will be to recover. Don't have any contact with him. I know this will prove pretty much impossible for you but you really need to just stay away from him for a while and let all the emotions calm down.
And don't believe that BS that he would never have another girl. He is saying things like that to try and soften the blow for you and make him feel less guilt. People do that when they break up.
They say that they will be friends forever, they don't want anyone else, they love you but they just aren't in love with you etc etc... It is to make each other feel better but it is all crap. Sorry but it is.

Now you have broken up with him he isn't your friend. He can't be. It won't work.
You need to leave him be. Concentrate on you now. Don't be there at his beckon call. Don't run toi him as soon as he yanks your chain wanting you to run back like a little puppy dog.

Stay away and look after YOU!

Had to spread it around Skell and Wildcat. I think this guy would love it if you would fall on your face and beg him for forgiveness. Stay away from him and stay free.

This guy was really cold kicking you out like he did. No notice, nothing, after all that time together. He was obviously thinking about this for a while and was too cowardly to say anything so he did the chicken crap thing and did it fast. He couldn't possibly be your friend, he doesn't know how. More than likely, all he wants is to have you as a friend with benefits which, there are none in it for you. Wildcat was right. This was the best thing he could have done for you. You saw him for who he is, an inconsiderate, thoughtless jerk. No contact with him, for any reason, so don't go out and try and find a reason/excuse to talk or email him either. Get it in gear and find a job, anything (legal) that will bring in cash until you find something else. I would consider living with your friend with the 5 kids and offer to help with the kids and clean and stuff, ironically you may be a welcomed addition to an overcrowded house. She may need the adult company and help with the kids and house.

This guy is not worthy of your tears. I know you said he was the one who helped you get through some tough times, I'm sure you've done the same for him somewhere in your relationship. We tend to want to hang on to people like that because it's comfortable, but not necessarily good for us. My kindergarten teacher taught me lots of things that gave me a successful start in life and even though I didn't really want to, I know that it was in my best interest to move on. Don't get stuck looking in the rearview mirror or you'll never see what's ahead and where your future can take you. You drive this car now.

I hate to be blunt - but this is ALSO a wake up call for you to get your life in order and QUIT depending on others.

Mon in Cali is right - live with your friend, but help ALL YOU CAN with the house chores.

Your job now is to find a job. No loafing - your up at 6:30 every morning! You get some exercise. AAND YOU LOOK FOR THAT GREAT JOB.

Its all so hard though. I didn't think it was going to hurt like this. Been looking for a job been turned down for every single one of thenm and that is hurting like hell too :(

Things are super tough right now, but be strong, it will pass. Wake up with a purpose. I think that is what Wildcat was talking about, look forward to getting up early and doing a little workout, even if its just running around your neighborhood for 30-45 minutes. It's a great way to eliminate stress and make you feel better physically/emotionally as well. Don't give up hope and start to whine, remember that there is always someone out there worse off than you. Know, that eventually, with hard work and determination you will get a job, and a good one. I'm not telling you not to feel pain, its normal and even healthy to a point, cause it's a reminder of your mistakes and a motivation to improve and never make that same mistake again. You can do it. You will do it. You need to believe that. We can tell you this till our fingers fall off and if you don't change your attitude, nothing will change. Come on, pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Choose to improve your life right here, right now. Even if they are tiny little baby steps, its still a step in the right direction. You can do it.

It's time for a change. Time to be strong. Change is good.

It sounds like you were in a mssive rut in your life - do you really think your so called 'boy friend' really wante someone like that? Or does he want a go getter? You don't want to be that person.

Seriously.

Yeah.
Get some joggers and run. Run until you can't run anymore. I found this to be the best healing.
I know it hurts. We all do. Go back and read all of our first threads. You will see the pain in them and how much we were hurting. But we have all got through.
You juts need to work hard at looking after yourself. Concentrate on you.
The pain is only going to be here for a while longer yet. No one is going to kid you. It will hurt and probably hurt for a while to come. But you will get better. YOU WILL!

Never quit on yourself. Hard as it is now you'll get to a better place. You deserve it. Don't giveup, don't give in.

Would run if I could but dr's orders no running, jogging or jumping (cliff accident when I was younger) never got ahold of my friend at all.. she hasn't been answering my calls... I know what you all will think but I'm staying with him at his place right now (just until I get ahold of my friend or something) he said there's no reason for me to be on the street... god its hard though

I am glad you have a place to stay, but you really need to be away from these louses.

Can I ask how old you are? Schooling? What are your talents?

When you confront your boyfriend about his cousin, is his cousin there? I know it may sound lame to say it but maybe he's acting a certain way to be "cool".. you know how some guys are when they were younger, they'd stick together and bully people... I'm assuming your boyfriend is older than his cousin... if this is the case then maybe your boyfriend feels the need to act a certain way? If you approach your boyfriend when his cousin is around, he may not want to show the "uncool" sensitive side, which may come across as weak... if you boyfriend walks away when its just the two of you, then id walk away because he knows he's doing soemthing wrong and doesn't want to make up for it, or doesn't want to be confronted with his wrong doings.

Wildcat in response to your questions.. I'm 19 years old. I am 1 credit short of graduating High School and I have a Bartending and Responsible alcohol service certificate... I used to train horses, I'm awesome with animals. Done extensive work with them but haven't in the last 2 years...

Bernc... both actually I've tried both options.. having him around and not. He says family is always there while girls are not. When we're alone its not so bad. He says I just need to learn to let the idiot jokes that jody (his cousin) says (to everyone they say but I don't see it... might not be around then) slide off my back.. Hung out with them a few times (two times) and it wasn't so bad for once. Once was at my "friends" house..

The girl backed out. I can't stay at her place and to my surprise she didn't have the nerve to say it to my face. Someone else was told to tell me. Some Friend... don't have many people left to count on in my times of need. At least the Ex is letting me stay there until I find something so we have have space to figure thigngs out. I feel like I'm hurting the both of us more by staying though. He came home yesterday rotten as all heck. Saying I wasn't trying to find a place (though I am. Since I'm not working I have to wait for assistance to call me back to see if I can get some money till I find a job) I have to wait three to five business days to hear from them. I think he's just not getting the actual thinking time he needs... Heck even I need some alone time to think about things. He's always got people around him and now when he comes home to try and think about what is happening in our.. His.. My lives I'm there and he can't really be alone to sit and think about his thoughts. I can see that bugging him. He said it hurts to come home and see me knowing we're not together but I'm always there when he goes to bed and wakes up in the morning... I'd leave and stay some wheres else but I have no wheres to go. Its nice of him to keep me off the streets but I feel like I'm robbing him of the freedom he honesly needs right now. Me personally I'm, alone all day I can think about things and have all the time in the world to think about them. And I don't mind seeing him every day. He's not a jerk by himself. Gee a lot like the movie the ghost in the darkness... (the man-eating lions aren't a problem until the two get together)...

I know I still straighten up his place when he's at work . Since I'm staying there I feel its my responsibility to clean up what I make a mess and then I end up doing it all because it bothers me that its not done (been that way all my life) I offer to cook because he l l even his mother knows he can't cook. And well I need to eat too. But I think that's making him upset too..

*confused with life, wish I knew what to do*

So you can't stay with your mother? I assume some stuff happened when you were younger - hence no high school degree yet - YOU MUST GET YOUR DEGREE - YESTERDAY!! Then go back to school for more.

Hey - bartending is awesome - I used to do it - I'd work clubs I nChicago - 2 or 3 nights a week I'd make $300 to $500 a night tips (tax free - don't tell IRS). It was long hours, but fun at times.

So, I take you guys are not together anymore. First, I wish you luck with the housing situation. I myself have no job and need to keep paying rent and the bills somehow. Second... if you guys are sleeping in the same bed still, maybe someone should sleep on the couch? Third... is there somewhere, like a coffee house or a café or even a library or something close by that you can maybe go to once or twice a week to give him a little space when he comes home? He may also be feeling like you are turning into his mom with the cooking and cleaning... maybe cut back with the cooking? It's a nice gesture, but he may feel that byyou doing that you are infringing on his independence? It's the tiniest of things, but is blown up because things are little sour right now for him. Also, he may be having trouble at work and comes home and then is jumping from work problems to personal problems... I've had work problems where I ended up taking it out on everyone in my personal life and completely blwoing out of proportion the littlest thing that a friend or family member did. You can always offer to make him something since your making yourself something, but if he says no, just leave it at that. Good luck with the degree as well. Like wildcat said, you need it yesterday.

Your integrity is being beat to crap by staying there. I think you should go to a shelter or even if there is a Y out there that will allow you temporary shelter, you need to jump on it. There is a time when the bigger sacrifices should no longer be an option, but required, I think this is one of them.

Staying there he will only continue to berate you. He thinks he's making this grand gesture by allowing you to sleep there but all he's doing is patting his own back and making himself feel better.

Consider what I'm saying. Your sanity, integrity and peace of mind is at stake. It may not be the most comfortable and may even be humiliating to live in a shelter, but from humiliation comes strength and the motivation to push yourself to greater depths in your life. It takes a great amount of pride and courage to do this and the benefits to your character and self esteem will be overflowing. By staying with your ex (I assume he's an ex now), you trick yourself into thinking that maybe he will come to his senses and change his mind. You also live for the few moments when he finds compassion and treats you in a civil manner like you were some kind of dog begging for affection. YOU ARE NOT! Stand up, don't allow his behavior to continue by staying there.

You can't stay with your mom? No chance? I assume it's because past discretions? Wild child in high school?

I can't stay with my mother because (her reason is. There can't be any more then one adult living in the home unless it is through marriage.. she lives in co-op housing) and we don't get along at all... she has always acted like her life was more important then her children. Its always been that way. He actually asks me to cook so I don't think that's bothering him. He admitted he can't cook yesterday when he was trying to make hamburger helper... Its hard to go somewheres to give him some time when I have no money to do things and it takes me almost an hour to walk into town (having bad knees can really ruin going for long walks) Hes treated me awesome the whole time I've been here.. even his cousin is nicer then he was.. had a long talk with him yesterday. Might have finally got through to him.I offer to leave to give him his space but he always says I don't have to. That if he wanted some time to himself he'd go out. We do sleep in the same bed. But we've always been like that. Even when we broke up before (dont worry he's not using me to get "some" he hasn't gotten any) fully clothed of course.

And about the coming to my senses thing... he said himself that there's only a VERY small chance he won't take me back. But personally I know better then to hold my breath.. if he ever wants me back it'll come in time and I know that.

<there isn't a shelter close to me.. the only ones are in the city and that's an hour away. And I've never been to the city by myself (not into the crowds of people thing. Makes me feel uncomfordable)

I guess it is up to you what you want to do. Everyone that has replied to your post have given very valied and helpful answers--you need to choose to make a step.

Sleeping in the same bed with your clothes on doesn't sound like you guys are breaking up at all. I am certain there is some sort of job out there you could go get and start earning money, isn't there? Convenient Store, McDonalds, etc...

If you need to get to the shelter, ask him to take you so you don't have to walk. Get a ride from your one friend. Someone surely has a car.

You need to start taking some action of some sort. Staying there is only keeping you hoping for something that is probably not going to happen.

My thoughts anyway, for what it is worth.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by binx44

<there isnt a shelter close to me.. the only ones are in the city and thats an hour away. and i've never been to the city by my self (not into the crowds of people thing. makes me feel uncomfordable)

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Uncomfortable is a small price to pay in comparison to what you are putting yourself through now. You are putting your own self through it by staying there. If you weren't there, he couldn't say or do anything to hurt you, could he? If the shelter is in the city, than so be it. The whole point is to get out of his house and find a job, many times shelters will help you with job placement so they can quickly get you on your feet and in your own place, it's a win-win situation.

Being somewhere you're unfamiliar with can be a little intimidating but that's all part of growing up. You mention that you're not into the crowds of people thing but you're able to bartend?? As a bartender you're surrounded by lots of people, and drunk ones at that. Stop making excuses, you're only hurting yourself.

From your previous posts he sems to be pretty volatile and moody so I would pack my things and go before he comes home one day and literally "throws" you in the street just cause he felt like he couldn't see your face anymore. Don't wait for that to happen again, keep your dignity.

I know this is a hard time for you and I really am not trying to come off as insensitive, honest I'm not. My goal here is to help you and I can't help you if all I do is blow sunshine up your bottom.

Yes - she's still so young and so muc hlive for!!

People her age still live at home for the most part or at school.

Get that high school deploma... or the equivalent of the GED. Go to a small college and get a degree - or becoem a Vetenarian. Or something where you're qualified to work with animals.

Binx may I suggest to you that you look into working at a seasonal resort for the winter. I work at a seasonal summer resort and they provide housing. For some people its free and for some people they have to pay (based on their position or tenure). Even those that do pay it is usually much less than you would pay in rent for an apartment. The best thing about working in a seasonal resort though is that you can accumalate a lot of money if you don't get caught up in the party scene or shopping scene. I manage a 2 hotels and don't make 1/8 of what our bartenders make. I see you have bartending experience and I think this might be a way for you to use that, get some housing and move away from where your at for 6 months to be able to reconsider some of your choices in the past and work on some of the choices for the future. I'm not going to lie to you the lifestyle isn't for everybody, but if you don't like it you only have to do it for 6 months and hopefully you will have saved some cash.

Well he's throwing me out as it is.. I applied and got assistance. But they are only willing to give me 200 bucks a month for rent.. I can't even rent a room for that much. Honestly life hurts so much I don't want to live in it any more. I have today and tomorrow to find a place and I don't know if I can do it

You never answered my question why you can't stay with your mom?? Mon gave yo utoo many chances??

My mom lives in co-op housing... she doesn't want me there because I'd have to become a secondairy member, she doesn't want me in her life because she's too content living it free without children, all she thinks about is her new man.. found a place for 275 a month its an old family friend... I called her up. Her son and his girlfriend were looking for a roomie a few towns over.. I didn't want to go far but it looks like I'm going to have to.. its only 30 mintues into town here on the buss from there so it shouldn't be so bad. Told the ex about it.. his exact words were "well we'll talk about that when i get home" but what's there to talk about? He's kicked me out so I must do what I must do... he can't say "no you can't go live there" because then where am I going to go... its not like I can stay with him.. he didn't want that... I swear he better not be getting jellous of me staying with his old friend (whom was also my childhood friend. I grew up with him and his sister)

SCREW your EX-boyfriend! :mad:

If you found place to live-go there. Get out from under his reign. You make the choices now, not him. I'd be gone before he got home one day. Leave him a note that says "Sayanora Baby have fun with your cousin."

Leave and don't look back. Make a life for yourself.

I wish you lots of luck. I've started over 3 times like you are doing. It does get better with time and makes you stronger.;)

Please move!! It's a start!! It's not forever!! You can get on with your life now. Don'r let him drag you back in.

PLEASE DITCH THAT GUY ONCE AND FOR ALL!!

What an a-hole. He told you to leave - now this. What a controlling freak.

Move o nwith your life - in 6 months oyu will feel so much better!!

Then she is not your friend.

I even tried my friend yesterday with a new proposal.. still no response.. found a room in wolfville like I was looking for instead of being 3 towns over I can still be close to the few people I trust and know and my mom said (which really surprised me ) that she'd help me out as much as she could if she could spare it... the ex said he'd help me if I ever needed help with anything.. that he still wants to be my friend... ill accept his help but only until I get on my feet.. looking for an under the table job... got to look at a place this morning then off to Social Services for a meeting at one... (wishes myself luck) I hope I get the place I'm looking at.. I really do

That's great - remember - this is the start of a new beginning!! In 2 years you'll be so much farther along.

NOW - what about school??

You've come a long way baby!! I have to say you even sound a little more upbeat in your posts also. I am proud and happy for you. :D ;)

You will look back in a few months and be so happy.

BTW, what is an under the table job?

Cash.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Cash.

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Gotcha ;)

I do feel a lot better its still hard though... decided that once I get a job... (a job at 20 hours a week paying min wage would allow me to pay rent and live without being on assistance..,. ) so trying hard rght now... schooling? I'm a regestered bartender... going to finish my grade 12 with corrorspondence.. (u take the course at home) them maybe on to community collage :)

Why not full time?

Yes - please get the high school degree - then the community college - then the 4 year college - then the masters - then the PHD.

Wildcat is right. Start with your GED and work your way up, don't stop, education is power! You'll be pinching pennies big time but it will be so rewarding in the end. You'll remember this one day and where you used to be and how far you came and your ex boyfriend will be such a faint memory.

Just remember Baby Steps. Don't get overwhelmed.

You've started with a place to live. Now get a job, I understand part-time if you are going to work on your GED.

When you are finished with your GED - go to a community college, get assistance, work part-time.

I've been where you are. Finish one task at a time. Put your tasks on paper and cross them off as you finish. You will feel so much better in a few months.

I am very happy and glad you are getting "it" together!! :D

Be happy for yourself also.