Its hard its almost like she broke up with me to live like this...

Maybe, but you can't think that way. It is not your fault that she chose this path. She made the decision for herself.

You should be glad that you are not together. If you were still with her, she would most certainly be hitting you up for money to buy drugs, under the guide that she is "Going out with her friends."

Trust me you do not want to be involved with the problems this type of behavior comes with.

So in my mind I'm very confused why a girl would turn down a guy like me I mean most guys do stupid crap especially at my age.. I'm 20 and have an associates degree working is fine... or doing anything that is productive in your life.. I would support any girl in anything that they wanted to do if it was a goal or ambition... if a girl wanted to do something hurtful to the relationship of course I would be against it. Now looking back on this past relationship I can see that I was a little bit critical of that because no one is perfect and you can't force anyone to do anything, but really how can doing nothing with your life but floating along be productive at all? How can you be happy doing it, maybe she regrets her descion? I want to talk with her to gain more closure or something but I don't think this would solve really much of anything... I'm not sure how far into the healing process I am. I have not contacted her in something like 3 weeks or so but I did do some stupid crap in the first week or so out of desperation... now the only reason I'm going through this much trouble is to answer questions that are seeming to me to be unanswerable. Maybe its just that I'm very analytical and logical and I got with someone that only dealed with their emotions... I don't know advice?

Give yourself time. The answers to your questions will become clear, once you settle down emotionally, and can look back on the relationship with a clear mind.

Take sometime and reflect. It may help you get the closure you need.

Well you guys guess what happened I actually ran into her about a day or two ago and we sat down and talked for hours... it was amazing I got all the closure I need and now I am ready to move forward.

Basically we sat down and we were drinking some beers together at a friends house.

All the reasons she gave me were really only some of the smallest issues of why we actually broke up. Sure the lusting after one another may have been less apparent but in a true relationship usually that is solvable..

Anyway what happened was that once she got off her anti depressants and away from her counselor all the issues she had came back with a vengeance she bottled them up and never let me know.

Right now she is going through a really tough time. She admitted that she didn't know who she was and was trying to find herself and basically that she hated who she was right now.

I can't sum up our entire conversation but basically when you can't love yourself you cannot love another.. I gave her some honest advice as a friend told her that maybe we could become friends and try again long into the future but most of all we both learned a lot from our first relationship and even if we get into a relationship with someone else the time we spent was special...

So I told her to get back with her counsellor and even though I knew that she would not listen to me that she should try to stop distracting herself with weed in order to truly find herself...

And here I am now I feel fcking great.. not fully healed but now I understand that it wasn't my fault really whatsoever but it was she who wasn't necessarily at fault for the breakup because we both had something to do with it. But I realized that she just wasn't ready for what I had to offer...

And that someone in the future will be.

Isn't life funny sometimes how some people will run away from all their problems including the problem that is actually their only solution?

Any advice on the recent events and where do you relationship experts put me on the stages of healing?

Wow how do iget people to comment?

??

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Originally Posted by drinkmenow8

But i realized that she just wasn't ready for what i had to offer...

and that someone in the future will be.

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THAT... is what sucks the most. I am in the same boat. Don't feel guilty too long man, now she admits that it was her too. Let the guilt pass, understand your faults and allow yourself to become better from them.

After a fire starts, the flame will die down. That is life. Is there ANYTHING you can do to bring her back and be happy? You know the answer as do I.

Time for NC to allow yourself time to heal so you can have what it takes to start a new fire with someone that will keep it burning

To have a healthy adult relationship, requires two healthy adults. That's still no guarantee, that things will go as you want them too. That's just reality. That's what healing is about, a return to good health, or as close as you can get.

What could it possibly mean when someone says that there heart just isn't into the relationship I am very new at relationships and I was wondering a little bit about the background of women and how this type of stuff works.

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Originally Posted by drinkmenow8

what could it possibly mean when someone says that there heart just isn't into the relationship I am very new at relationships and I was wondering a little bit about the background of women and how this type of stuff works.

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They aren't in love with you... that's what it means. This isn't a gender thing, it is a human thing.

Why do you think this happened in my case? Just the lack of communication or different paths that were chosen? Then how do marriages last couples entire lives?

The "X" factor... it's called life. Feelings and such. The human mind and heart work in very strange ways... hell, even a PHD in studies doesn't make you an expert, because behavior is very hard to predict when it comes to love...

Let me let you in on something you need to know. The biggest part of life is how you handle it. Sometimes what we want only looks good, but ain't worth a darn, when it comes to value. Like a nice sports car with a messed up engine. Would you pay top dollar for it?

In a relationship, when feelings change, and she wants space, give it to her, and deal with your feelings, heal, and move on, to preserve your own value to yourself, in the form of dignity, and self respect, and continue on your own path, until someone is willing to work with you through the trials of life.

Break ups suck, but they teach us a lot about ourselves, and what we want, and how to overcome bad situations, and how to cope with our own feelings when life knocks us down.

You have been knocked down, but its your choice to stay down, and punish yourself, or get up, and keep on trucking, and deal with the options, and opportunities, that are there if you have the ability to see them, and the will to pursue them. Make your choice and get on with it.

Had to spread the rep Tal but as always your right.

To the OP married couples be together for years because they make it work and they want it to work. They go through their up and downs and have they sad and happy moments they conquer any obstacles together.

Any relationship can work with communication, respect, trust, working as a team, and patience.

So I was just wondering how this process works to be honest I'm learning to live my life without her I just got a job as a computer technician in my home town at 14 bucks an hour which is way cool it beats my last min wage job anyway I also am now involved in a band and I have been inspired to write lyrics like crazy which is also going good.. we have 3 songs down we hope to have 9 by July so we can do some summer shows. So does NC last forever or will we end up eventually talking I know that no conversation could ever bring the full closure that I need but the only thing that will bring that is time I don't know but ill let you guys see the myspace address when I get some songs recorded.

My ex just emailed me to see if she had left anything over at my house... I have a couple things of hers still and I was planning on returning them, last time we talked she said she would eventually talk to me is this just an exscuse to talk to me or does she just want her stuff and to forget about me?

Anyone got some advice?.

Man NC is hard I still find myself thinking about her all the damn time sometimes I will sit there just replaying the train wreck in my head and thinking of what I couldv'e done to stop it. My life besides this baggage I have atm is truly doing great I got assigned as a WaMu Computer Specialist to convert them to chase... I make more then any one of my friends my age and yet I still feel like none of that matters without love in my life... I can handle everything that life throws at me responsibly besides relationships all my insecurities and issues are focused in this one category I still feel like I should have done more and that I had so many shortcomings as a boyfriend and it makes me unable to form new relationships while I still feel like this.

If you define yourself by having a female then your in trouble.

Another thing is what the frakk are you taking the blame for? It's a common thing for young people to grow up, and change, and do their own thing.

You weren't a bad boyfriend, you just grew apart because of life split you up.

If you stop sitting on the pity pot with that "O woe is me" crap, you will get with some reality and see what's around you, and make a life for yourself.

I occupy all my time with responsible things right now some people deal with heartbreak in negative ways and I can see that... sometimes things are so bad around me that its very tempting just to get wasted or w/e and forget about lifes problems for a couple hours...

But I'm the type that is very logical and sees the end of a path before I have stepped foot on that path. Any type of abuse would never lead towards a positive outcome so I stay away from it.

Being as logical as me is a two sided coin however because a lot of times if a problem can't be solved through simple analysis then I beat myself over the head until I'm just worn out over it and give up... unfourtanetly even though I realize that thinking about the break up will only bring a negative outcome I can help but do it anyway like I said life to me is bearable in every category besides the troubles and insecurites I have with relationships

All right something is bothering me now... those stupid words " i love you i just dont think im in love with you"... hurt so deep

Please someone treat me like a younger individual who just had his heart crushed and help me make sense of those words to the best of your knowledge by what you have read in my posts...

This is the one that keeps me awake at night.. and I really want to fully let go but its sooo hard

I am not a hardened relationship expert this is my first true love and that line I can't help but let it bother me.

There is a difference between love and "in love." One is a more deep, intimate feeling, the other is a natural, care about you feeling. She cares about you as a person, and not as a partner. People fall out of love all of the time. It happened to me, and I am sure it will happen again. It is easy to say "don't take it personal," but when it comes to the heart, we always take it personal. It hurts, but you will be fine in time.

Those words hurt, they are supposed to. And your supposed to learn to deal with how they make you feel.

I know that this website is meant for support but it still hurts people have told me those feelings will go away but dammmm I'm not equipped for this

No one is equipped for it, that's why they call it "heart break" the most powerful muscle in the body, it's the only one you give to someone else with the power to shatter it. It takes courage and the willingness to be hurt, we know it may happen but we still give it out in hopes the next one we give it to won't hurt it but will guard it as they would guard their own

Why couldn't this girl have decided to try and make it work with me instead of choosing to live how she is nothing makes any sense and my confidence is still shattered.

Your confidence is going to be broken, many times in life, but it is up to you to rebuild it. This is life, no take backs, no regrets, live EVERY DAY!! Things happen for a reason, and if you don't see that, we are here to help you see that. I know EXACTLY how you feel, and yes it sucks, big time. You know why we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up. Time to start taking those steps to get back on your feet again. You need help, so we are your crutches for now, in time, though, you will not need us and you will be walking on your own, true to yourself.

Hmm I see I just got to look at it as something that is temporary maybe everything in life does happen for a reason its just that sometimes I wish I could make my own fate come true or just be able to predict it...

The logical side of me tells me not to try to get back with her but the emotional broken side of me tells me that's what I need. But I know someone going through what she's going through isn't able to maintain a healthy long term relationship correct?

What she is able to do does NOT MATTER!! It is what you are able to do, from this day forward, that matters. She is irrelevant in your life, period.

So everything in her life is going terrible right now everything in mine is going great... I got promoted to an assistant lead and now make $20 per hr and I'm only 20... she has become a huge pothead burnout with no goals ambitions or productivity in her life... I still feel depressed over such a worthless girl is wrong with me its like I put all my effort into something just to see it fail... I'm the type of person that when I put my mind towards something it always succeeds but with this it took two so it was out of my control... I just think about what could have been done different and what she is doing...

You will think about those thing that you could have done, or should have done. You must remember, those decisions were made in the past, and there is nothing you can do about it now. Also, even if you did what you thought you should have done, chances are the same thing would have happened eventually. She made the choice to walk away, not you. She must live with her decision, and you must continue on the path you are on.

I'm glad to hear everything is going well. You are doing great! You can't worry about her and her life. You should only concentrate on your life.

So I am at a point where I am just constantly finding myself angry at people.. bad choices my friends doing things that aren't good for them and even relatives and everyone else. The drugs the sex the booze its all getting to me and nothing good ever comes out of it. I find find myself the most mad at my ex for deciding to do what she is doing, I showed her a better way yet I can't make anyone do anything. This has been going on for a month now and I just want out of this town.

Is there a different way to look at this should I view things in a different perspective I want to venture out and do new things I want to gain my confidence back in my life and not be broken anymore please someone help to support me in this struggle tell me things ask me questions I need this support thank you.

You need to find a new social circle away from your ex.

Get out there, on your own, and start meeting people and talking to them. While you're out maybe try talking to some girls to see if any of them are dating material.

You will be amazed at how much fun you can have doing things by yourself. Being alone actually forces you to talk to others and in turn can be very beneficial, especially to more shy/reserved types, like myself.

One thing I haven't been able to get over is that even though part of me knows that we could never have been without a solid foundation to build on why did I want the relationship to work and she wanted out? I feel as if I did something wrong or more like I was inadaquate? Its really been a real confidence killer.

Many of us have made the mistake of tying our happiness to our partners, and when the partner has a change of feelings, so does our happiness, confidence, and self esteem.

Its normal, as this is how we learn to cope with those feelings, and do better for ourselves, down the road. We learn a lot about ourselves, and how to handle adversity.

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Originally Posted by drinkmenow8

One thing i havent been able to get over is that even though part of me knows that we could never have been without a solid foundation to build on why did i want the relationship to work and she wanted out? i feel as if i did something wrong or more like i was inadaquate? its really been a real confidence killer.

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My confidence was absolutely shot when I broke up with my ex. It is only natural. When something or someone rejects you, it is usually going to sting, especially when we cared for them. As Tal stated, it is what you do now, after the break up, that will ultimately change who you are. Heartbreak leads to one hell of a shock to one's moral, and it is almost a starting point of a true foundation being built that creates a better and stronger YOU.

Threads merged

soooo I have question I'm in a confusing situation and don't really understand what's going on and would like some advice. I live in California and I am into IT type of stuff me and my girlfriend of 2 years broke up ( its in my other thread) it was hard at first I even did all that stupid stufff guys do after a break up * yea you know * anywayyyssss... I got a job working for a computer company up north san jose 200 miles away from where I live and its definetely been NC for like 3-4 months. I am back from my job for a week atm and something weird happened my ex gave me a call.. we didn't talk about anything important pretty much small talk and I got to admit I rubbed the whole getting the job thing in her face a little =P just because I don't have all my feelings under control 100% I'm only human. Anyway she wanted to hang out really bad... so I was like okay she probably wants to tell me something I didn't know what though.. so I decide to go pick her up. I was going to go to the local museum for a class project but they were closed so we went and shot some pool for an hour I got to admit it was actually kind of fun but weird cause we didn't talk about anything.

What do you think she wanted to tell me if anything? What is her goal? And most importantly what is my next move?