Ask Me Help Desk - Can I get back with my ex-girlfriend after 2 months of no contact?

Do you think the reasons they broke up can be resolved?

If they love each other, do you think they can work things out?

If it's true love I think anything is possible.

It's most often not true love for both parties, if it was true love they wouldn't need to reconcile because they wouldn't be separated.

It depends on the situation, but usually only one of the parties is holding onto a hope that the relationship will reconcile.

If you feel like there's more you could do, then you should not be in the no contact phase. The fact that you're in the no contact phase is because you've tried your best. No contact is to help you heal from the break up and move on.

Only in very rare circumstances are people able to reconcile. Most of these rare situations is when one or both needed time to recover from personal problems and not from relationship problems.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

It's most often not true love for both parties, if it was true love they wouldn't need to reconcile because they wouldn't be seperated.

It depends on the situation, but usually only one of the parties is holding onto a hope that the relationship will reconcile.

The one who initiates is the one who wants to get back together, so it won't matter who dumped who.

Quote:

Originally Posted by liz28

Yeah but you forget this wasn't love. Love didn't live between the two of you. Maybe you loved her but she didn't.

She was all about what you could do for her and when you could no longer provide the things she wanted, she left.

How can someone be so cruel? How can she put priority on money and material stuff and be with me 15 months? Could it be possible that in time she will realize she was wrong and was only denying her feelings?

Could it be that she was so selfish and egocentric that she cannot love anyone else but herself? She is 29 and she told me she never was in love in her whole life with any guy, and that I was the best thing that happened for her in her life. Yet on my birthday she said her feelings changed for me? She seemed very confused, I do not know what to think anymore.

She sounded very selfish and self centered. Believe me you don't want a relationship that is so one-sided. You deserve better than that. You are on the mend and each day will get better and better.

Quote:

Originally Posted by I wish

If you feel like there's more you could do, then you should not be in the no contact phase. The fact that you're in the no contact phase is because you've tried your best. No contact is to help you heal from the break up and move on.

Only in very rare circumstances are people able to reconcile. Most of these rare situations is when one or both needed time to recover from personal problems and not from relationship problems.

The reason I am in no contact with her is because, when she decided to end it, she told me over the phone: ''Let's take a break and be friends'' so I said no to the friends because I still have feeling for her and it would hurt. I don't want to be in the friend zone because I know that will ruin chances of a reconciliation even more. She said me blocking her litteraly out of her life will only make it harder for her and it would be comforting for her to know I'm still around. I just don't want to end up a 2nd option or safety net. I prefer cutting off all communication.

She told me she doesn't want to be in a serious relationship right now and that's why she wants a break. I Still think she should take the first steps once she feels she took enough time apart from me. She asked for it, so only she knows whenever if ever she will be ready for a reconciliation. So now I ask myself, how long am I going to live in hope that we will be together again? Should I leave the door open? Or should I close it, lock it and throw away the key forever?

NC is the opportunity to redevelop yourself, if a reconciliation happens you will have a stronger relationship with yourself and a better understanding on the person you are.

Take this time and worry about you, not in any hope that you will reconcile because who knows what the future holds. Just enjoy single life and who you are. No doors open, no doors closed.

Thanks Starlite1

Your comment is really helping me realize what I was not seeing when I was in the relationship. It's like I was blinded by love.
Now by reading all the posts I am getting a clear picture of the whole scenario and it's clear to me that she did not care as much as I did.

It's so sad to realize that I know, but now you heal and move on from her. You will meet someone new in time, that will truly give you the love that you give back.

I just want us to be happy. Wishfully thinking yes happy together.
To answer your question (I wish). I feel I can focus on myself better if she is blocked out, having her as a friend will not help me at all and will just mess with my head.

NC is the way to go. She was controlling and I know, falling in the friend zone will only give her more control. I will not give it all away. I think those who have been there know what I am talking about. It doesn't make any sense. Here you were sharing intimate moments seeing each other naked, how can you just turn that off and be around without touching or kissing. It's just torture.

They say we learn from each relationship. I guess now I know the signs and patterns of a superficial woman. And I will not fall for this again. I should look for the flexible giver type of woman.

Absolutely, you are correct ;)

Quote:

Originally Posted by PirandelloLuigi

The reason i am in no contact with her is because, when she decided to end it, she told me over the phone: ''Let's take a break and be friends'' so i said no to the friends because i still have feeling for her and it would hurt. I don't want to be in the friend zone because i know that will ruin chances of a reconciliation even more. She said me blocking her litteraly out of her life will only make it harder for her and it would be comforting for her to know im still around. I just don't want to end up a 2nd option or safety net. I prefer cutting off all communication.

She told me she doesn't want to be in a serious relationship right now and thats why she wants a break. I Still think she should take the first steps once she feels she took enough time apart from me. She asked for it, so only she knows whenever if ever she will be ready for a reconciliation. So now i ask myself, how long am i going to live in hope that we will be together again? Should i leave the door open? or should i close it, lock it and throw away the key forever?

She was being kind to you.Lets take a break and be friends ,translated is * I want to split up and I don't want to hurt your feelings by doing it.I am trying to let you down gently*.

Certainly people that love one another do reconcile but the circumstances are usually different.They break -up over a fight or because of a specific problem,not because I don't want to be in this relationship anymore.

You should close the door.Face the reality of your situation.I have followed this thread for some time and your just not getting it.

I know how hard it is,I have been there and the first step toward getting on with your life is acceptance.

Denial is only prolonging the pain.

If she would have been more direct I would not be in this mess.
All she had to do is say it clearly, it's over. I once dumped a girl too and I told her in person, ''Listen I don't have any feelings for you'' she started crying and slammed the door when she left. But at least I did not give her any false hopes and she became friends with me after she got over it. I am sure she was hurt but I did not leave her hanging with hope we would get back.

You are right Artlady. I should just close the chapter on this and move on with my life, I am just living in denial and I won't get anywhere like this.

I have an apointment next Friday, so it's probably the last time I see her at the clinic where she works. I'll say a final goodbye and wish her all the best and happiness, no hard feelings.

Another thing I learned with relationships is that once the feelings are gone, it's very hard to bring them back. When I broke it off with the other girl, she did something that turned me off completely and I never got the feelings I had for her ever again.
Maybe this happened to my recent ex, so the chances of her having feelings for me again are very slim.
Once that switch goes to off, it's like a burnt fuse.

Quote:

Originally Posted by starlite1

Absolutely, you are correct ;)

Merci beaucoup! :-)

Quote:

Originally Posted by PirandelloLuigi

-Should it be the dumper or the dumpee to start talks for reconciliation?
-If the dumpee decided to do no contact.
-how much time after the breakup can this be a possibility?
-How can you know if the dumper still has an interest in coming back?

There's no answer, stuff like this just happens, and it's always when you don't expect it, or in my case, when you really don't even want it anymore.

What I can say is the longer you wait, the better.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jmw0713

You're reading too many Doc Love articles. His articles do contain some truth and good advice, but trying to gage interest level is almost impossible. It's like reading somebody's mind...you only really guess. If they're interested, they're interested. If they're not, they're not. The point here is you are trying rationalize why this relationship ended, when you should be accepting that this is over and concentrating on moving forward and learning from this.

I believe you can have a good idea of her interest level. For instance: In my case 3 months in the relationship her interest level was high in the 90's. How I know this? She was cooking meals for me, giving me back rubs, very affectionate, giving me compliments, always in a good mood and making jokes, the sex was awsome too. Long kissing sessions.

Then once the ''honey moon phase'' was over, I started to notice her interest level dropping. She started to say we were seeing each other too often, she was more moody, small arguments starting, less jokes, no more cooking for me, frozen pizzas! Lol.
At this point I figured her interest level dropped to about 60.

Next is the downhill stage. Frequent arguments, less romance, less cuddling, very short kissing, PMS more frequent and lasted 2 weeks with bad attitude. Less time spent together
She started spending more time with her friends. So that's when you start seeing the red flags. Her Interest level at this point is about 45%

The Final stage.
Arguments become a weekly thing. Romance is gone. Cuddling for 10 minutes. Kissing? A little peck. PMS? That was joke. She takes day off and tells me at the end of the day and I was home that day. No more efforts of her part to spend time together. She cancels our Friday night to go to movies with her friends. I call her on valentines twice and she has a crappy attitude. I get the message and do not go see her. The end.
Level of interest at this point? 10% mine:50%

She calls me 3 days later saying it's over. Her interest level: 0%
My interest level: Boom! It doubles from 50% to 100%

The dumpee or rejectee interest doubles.
This is why we hurt so much when we get dumped.
We want what we cannot have anymore.
Why? I have no freaking idea. I am puzzled. :confused:

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

There's no answer, stuff like this just happens, and it's always when you don't expect it, or in my case, when you really don't even want it anymore.

What I can say is the longer you wait, the better.

How long did it take you to don't want it anymore after the breakup?

Depends on the duration of the relationship, but they say the key is 2 months for every year of the relationship.

I don't know, I feel like if I keep going there and she sees me every 3 weeks, it's not a good idea, she will ask questions and try to talk to me like she did last time. I find this gives her more power, because she is putting me in an awkword situation.

So she will always know what's going on in my life and that's breaking the NC rule. On the other hand, if I avoid seeing her and ignore her I am taking my power back. I will not see her face and I will be better off and be in less pain.

If she has moved on, there is no need for me to be in her presence. If I was OK with friendship I would be able to see her again. I don't think I'll ever be able to be friends, I have no choice to avoid and ignore.

Who cares about what she say or think. Taking her thoughts in consideration is a thing of the past. Don't worry about that.

In the end you have to do what is in your best interest and goint there isn't because it will only set you back. Remember what happen the last time?

Go to another dentist if possible and keep your head up.

Going back there, she can see if I am depressed or sad, remember a look speaks a thousand words. She will know in what state I am and see that as weak. I can't just fake that everything is OK and be in a good mood. I know some people are good at that, they can put a façade or change in seconds. I want to move on with my life as quickly as possible and seeing her there will only delay my recovery.

It was very hard for me to refuse the friendship she offered, still today I am wondering if I will regret refusing friendship with her.
But the way she dumped me, I just could not do it, I was angry, still am and I will probably forgive her someday, but I'll never forget.

Quote:

Originally Posted by PirandelloLuigi

merci beaucoup! :-)

What does this mean?

I just read your lastresponse and I must comment.

It is a good thing that you refuse the friendship she offered you because your not over her. Keeping her as a friend would have done more harm than good and could've lead to false hope.

Also, forgive her. Don't hold on to hating her. Forgiving her will help you with your healing process. When you don't forgive someone it can eat you up sometimes and you don't want that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by liz28

What does this mean?

It means ''thank you very much'' in french

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

Depends on the duration of the relationship, but they say the key is 2 months for every year of the relationship.

I have heard that before,about a certain amount of time for every year.
I have always wondered who came up with that. Or if there has ever been any conclusive study.I guess I will just have to Google it :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by PirandelloLuigi

Going back there, she can see if i am depressed or sad, remember a look speaks a thousand words. She will know in what state i am and see that as weak. I can't just fake that everything is ok and be in a good mood. I know some people are good at that, they can put a facade or change in seconds. I want to move on with my life as quickly as possible and seing her there will only delay my recovery.

It was very hard for me to refuse the friendship she offered, still today i am wondering if i will regret refusing friendship with her.
But the way she dumped me, i just could not do it, i was angry, still am and i will probably forgive her someday, but i'll never forget.

True, you don't want to show your emotions, but it will be good practice for you to learn how to put up a brave face.

But seriously, if you can't handle it, then do what you got to do! You know what's best for yourself.

It's hard to forgive because she often wanted to break up when we had arguments. So I feel she used it in a manipulating way to have things on her terms all the time.

I do not feel she was fair and this is why I am having trouble forgiving her. She always wanted to bail out and I was trying to keep her in. I don't hate her though. That's just the way she is, and nobody will change her. She will repeat this behaviour again and again I am sure. I did what I could, did my best, I know some guys that would have never lasted as long as I did with her.

I don't want false hope or false friendship. So right now the best thing is avoidance and distance. She wanted a break, she got her break, but she won't get the cake too.

I heard it takes half the amount of time.
So if relationship was 1 year, it can take 6 months.
It also depends of the mutual feelings involved.
The less feelings, the quicker the moving on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by PirandelloLuigi

She said me blocking her litteraly out of her life will only make it harder for her and it would be comforting for her to know im still around.

And...

Not your problem , it was her decision to split.

Go back and read Artlady's post again , that's exactly how it is.

-the dumber ( if the dumbee tries this, he/she should wait for no response, a negative response or being dumbed again)
- he/she should have! Unless he/she feels he/she can trust this person again (being stupid and totally in love.. ) or/ and he/she somehow caused this ( very rare but still a possibility)
-a few days later (before the dumbee totally overcomes the other person)
- you can't

Quote:

Originally Posted by friend4u178

And.....................

Not your problem , it was her decision to split.

Go back and read Artlady's post again , thats exactly how it is.

OK I read it, I understand that she probably tried to make me feel sorry for her that I refused friendship and that I was being unfair or making me feel guilty. As you said friend4, she decided to split so she has to live with the consequences of leaving. I am sure she knew by leaving that this was going to be a possibility.

Quote:

Originally Posted by PirandelloLuigi

Yes i think she has moved on for sure, but do you think she might still have feelings? I mean sometimes after we break up and the anger is gone, sometimes we can regret of leaving someone. It has happen to me before, i dated this girl back in the 90's we laster 8 years. We broke up a few times and got back together even after a year of no contact.

Look.. I believe she's somehow arrogant. Her self concept appears to be hight and he boosts her self esteem even more. . I believe what you say about her moving on is correct.. but she needs reassurance from our friend, she needs to feel he's running after her simply to feel admired. Have you ever used the term broken glass? Metaphorically? Okay.. when you break up once , u lose it at some point and the ''vase'' is not that beautiful ever again and neither the relationship is. You may feel this girl is the one that stole your heart but she also ''betrayed your feelings so she can do this again'' she show you how psychological pain feels like.. just.. let her go. No replies.. nothing more and if you find the srength.. even if she finally e mails you... tell her to go f.. Herself . Act like you found something better, and work on it . U deserve more than this . Hope I helped.

I can't believe you asked this question. :-( When will you get it? Really? I thought you were starting to get it from your other thread, I guess not. Sign!

Unless you like being a pushover than go ahead. But if you want to get over her you shouldn't be walking down this road.

Quote:

Originally Posted by PirandelloLuigi

ok i read it, i understand that she probably tried to make me feel sorry for her that i refused friendship and that i was being unfair or making me feel guilty. As you said friend4, she decided to split so she has to live with the consequences of leaving. I am sure she knew by leaving that this was going to be a possibility.

Exactly... it was her choice , so you get on with healing for YOU and don't even waste your energy thinking about how she feels , its out of your control anyway.

Quote:

-Should it be the dumper or the dumpee to start talks for reconciliation?

Dumper

Quote:

-If the dumpee decided to do no contact.
-how much time after the breakup can this be a possibility?

If the dumper wants you back, no contact won't stop them.

Quote:

-How can you know if the dumper still has an interest in coming back?

They will rock heaven to let you know.

Quote:

Why are my threads merged?

To stop confusion, and keep your story straight.

Sorry didn't mean to go off topic

You weren't off topic, that's not the point. Just starting new threads about the same subject is confusing to readers.

I know and I feel bad, it's Friday night and I started to miss her again. I am working on it, I wish it could stop, but I still get flashbacks. One of my friends is coming over and we going to a club, hopefully it will help me.

Thanks for the replies I appreciate your help, and you are helping me a lot. Someone said when you feel pain or miss her come post here and that's what I did. I have been respecting the NC rule, I just need to work on the missing her part.

Quote:

Originally Posted by PirandelloLuigi

I know and i feel bad, it's friday night and i started to miss her again. I am working on it, i wish it could stop, but i still get flashbacks. One of my friends is coming over and we going to a club, hopefully it will help me.

Thanks for the replies i appreciate your help, and you are helping me a lot. Someone said when you feel pain or miss her come post here and that's what i did. I have been respecting the NC rule, i just need to work on the missing her part.

Just takes time , and the NC Rule helps with that.