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The last person who wrote sounds exactly like my counselor. She says I have to unhealthly draw or need to my husband that doesn't allow me to leave. She says I'm actually hurting him by staying. She can see how much everything confuses me and how much I really do love him. The problem is that his constant want of things and his own way and treatment of me... changed who I was. I had resentment that built up slowly and I would just ignore it instead of addressing things... Now it's caused all this drama and nonsense to happen.

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Again, PLEASE. Get another counselor. His abusive behavior is NOT YOUR FAULT. Your "not addressing problems" did NOT cause him to become abusive. NO MAN has ANY right to EVER be abusive. NO MATTER WHAT.

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I know we can't be together for the good of me and the good of him but I'm not going to leave him alone in dealing with the charges. Even though I know his actions put him in this position I can't help feeling responsible for bringing them on because I told the doctor the truth! I told the truth! I'm not going to deny that he choked me but I am going to say it was horseplay and he doesn't deserve to go to prison for years. Maybe they will get him the help he needs.

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Once again... your actions do NOT give him the right to become abusive. His reactions are HIS OWN FAULT. NOT YOURS.

I know that you're not going to stand up for yourself and tell the truth in this. He will not get the consequences that he deserved because you are unwilling to put him through that. Even though he should. I get it. You don't want to "hurt" him - even though you should send his sorry bum to jail to rot. Honestly, wife beaters are some of the most repulsive, disgusting people.

But at least get yourself out of there. Forever.

He WILL turn on you again. Don't be around for it.

You know LoveAnimals when people are in an abusive relationship they tend to put the blame on themselves but with counselling you'll get out of the frame of mind.

Any jail time he gets he because of his own actions not yours. You didn't make him choke and let alone almost kill you, he did and what would've happen if he didn't almost kill you but actually kill you? Unlike some females who lives were taken away at the hand of their abusers, your luckily to be alike so don't stay with him another day because who knows what he might do you since you already know what he is capable of doing. Escape while you have the life in to do so.

It saden me that your allowing yourself to take the blame but I can undeestand why because you're the victim of abuse and again only counselling and a strong support group can make see things in another light.

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Originally Posted by LovesAnimals

He's got some fantasy that we are still going to be okay in the end even though I tell him I'm not okay with him or us to this day!

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He isn't the only one living in a fantasy.

Domestic Violence Statistics

Domestic Violence Statistics: Prevalence and Trends ~ FindCounseling.com

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Originally Posted by HistorianChick

Again, PLEASE. Get another counselor. His abusive behavior is NOT YOUR FAULT. Your "not addressing problems" did NOT cause him to become abusive. NO MAN has ANY right to EVER be abusive. NO MATTER WHAT.



Once again.... your actions do NOT give him the right to become abusive. His reactions are HIS OWN FAULT. NOT YOURS.

I know that you're not going to stand up for yourself and tell the truth in this. He will not get the consequences that he deserved because you are unwilling to put him through that. Even though he should. I get it. You don't want to "hurt" him - even though you should send his sorry bum to jail to rot. Honestly, wife beaters are some of the most repulsive, disgusting people.

But at least get yourself out of there. Forever.

He WILL turn on you again. Don't be around for it.

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I can not agree more HC, good advice!

Hey there...

I know he's not the only one living in a fantasy land, I am too! My counselor is not as bad as it comes across. She's really opened my eyes up to a lot things about myself and she continues to tell me that none of this is my fault (the abuse part). Now the relationship changing on the other hand has a lot to do with me... but it's no one's fault really.

Going into the relationship I put him on such a pedastal that he could say or do no wrong. Even when I knew what he was saying was a stretch of the truth... I believed him because I wanted to. I have been stuck in a mode of making sure he's okay for so long, that I can't even answer a simple question without thinking how the outcome would make my husband feel. That is not normal and is wrong.

My counselor says I'm like someone who wants to help take care of an alcoholic but also provides the booze. Point is that we are both messed up and together it's toxic.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, justifies what my husband did to me. The more I listen to him talk about the incident and blaming the dr for reporting it and how much or a B-I-*** she is for being the hero and not minding her business... and now not saying she was wrong. I even explain the my husband that I'm still jumpy and not okay with us. But he doesn't get it... And like my counselor said, he will never get it. I love him but it's not a healthy love and I know it.

I secured a place to rent the other day and I'm going to be moving in about a month. I'm letting my house forclose. It's tough for me because I've never walked away from anything and I've always taken care of things but I just can't this time. Unfortunately... HE is moving with me for the time being. I know that's wrong because he'll know where I'm at and all but it will just be easier. Also, I want to help him through all the court stuff the best I can... since I was the one who told the dr and could have avoided all this. If I'd only had the guts to just tell him it was done and leave this would have never esiclated to this... and that's why I feel guilty. What he did was wrong but what I did was too. I say I did it for him, not to hurt him, but I also did it for me... I didn't want to be the bad guy... and now I am and at much worse a cost than just a broken heart.

Well, the lawyer said there is a chance he can get out of all this if I just don't say anything else... so that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go to work and pay bills and support him any way I can (non financially) in all this. He's not dumb and knows everything is not okay... He's still the same guy and isn't going to change and that makes me sad... very sad.

But it's time to come out of my fantasy world and face reality...

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Originally Posted by LovesAnimals

I secured a place to rent the other day and I'm going to be moving in about a month. I'm letting my house forclose. It's tough for me because I've never walked away from anything and I've always taken care of things but I just can't this time. Unfortunately...HE is moving with me for the time being. I know that's wrong because he'll know where I'm at and all but it will just be easier. Also, I want to help him through all the court stuff the best I can...since I was the one who told the dr and could of avoided all this. If I'd only had the guts to just tell him it was done and leave this would have never esiclated to this...and that's why I feel guilty. What he did was wrong but what I did was too. I say I did it for him, not to hurt him, but I also did it for me... I didn't want to be the bad guy...and now I am and at much worse a cost than just a broken heart.

Well, the lawyer said there is a chance he can get out of all this if I just don't say anything else...so that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go to work and pay bills and support him any way I can (non financially) in all this. He's not dumb and knows everything is not okay... He's still the same guy and isn't going to change and that makes me sad...very sad.

But it's time to come out of my fantasy world and face reality...

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You DID NOT do this, your husband could have avoided all of it, if he were a real man who handled stress and disagreements appropriately!

So if your guilt stems from not telling him it was over and it escalating to violence, why do you continue to stay waiting for the next episode of violence that may critically injury you or take your life?

You haven't come out of your fantasy, when you are out of your fantasy, you will not be standing by his side.

There are good men out there, PLENTY, that understand that you NEVER lay your hands on another person, that it not love, that it's control. You are controlled by this man and he will abuse you again.

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Originally Posted by LovesAnimals

Hey there....

I know he's not the only one living in a fantasy land, I am too! My counselor is not as bad as it comes across. She's really opened my eyes up to a lot things about myself and she continues to tell me that none of this is my fault (the abuse part). Now the relationship changing on the other hand has a lot to do with me...but it's no one's fault really.

Going into the relationship I put him on such a pedastal that he could say or do no wrong. Even when I knew what he was saying was a stretch of the truth...I believed him because I wanted to. I have been stuck in a mode of making sure he's okay for so long, that I can't even answer a simple question without thinking how the outcome would make my husband feel. That is not normal and is wrong.

My counselor says I'm like someone who wants to help take care of an alcoholic but also provides the booze. Point is that we are both messed up and together it's toxic.

Nothing, absolutly nothing, justifies what my husband did to me. The more I listen to him talk about the incident and blaming the dr for reporting it and how much or a B-I-*** she is for being the hero and not minding her business...and now not saying she was wrong. I even explain the my husband that I'm still jumpy and not okay with us. But he doesn't get it... And like my counselor said, he will never get it. I love him but it's not a healthy love and I know it.

I secured a place to rent the other day and I'm going to be moving in about a month. I'm letting my house forclose. It's tough for me because I've never walked away from anything and I've always taken care of things but I just can't this time. Unfortunately...HE is moving with me for the time being. I know that's wrong because he'll know where I'm at and all but it will just be easier. Also, I want to help him through all the court stuff the best I can...since I was the one who told the dr and could of avoided all this. If I'd only had the guts to just tell him it was done and leave this would have never esiclated to this...and that's why I feel guilty. What he did was wrong but what I did was too. I say I did it for him, not to hurt him, but I also did it for me... I didn't want to be the bad guy...and now I am and at much worse a cost than just a broken heart.

Well, the lawyer said there is a chance he can get out of all this if I just don't say anything else...so that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go to work and pay bills and support him any way I can (non financially) in all this. He's not dumb and knows everything is not okay... He's still the same guy and isn't going to change and that makes me sad...very sad.

But it's time to come out of my fantasy world and face reality...

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I can tell you have a good heart, you really do. I am glad you're finally starting to see how toxic this relationship is. But I do have to also express my concern that you are still protecting him. I know you care about him still, but you really have to stop this. You are no longer responsible for him in any way, shape, or form. He gave up that benefit the day he tried to kill you.

Justwantfair is absolutely right here. YOU are NOT responsible for any this. You didn't shove those pills in his mouth, he did. You didn't force him to nearly choke you to death. I know you feel that it is your fault that you didn't have the guts to leave him before it escalated. But I say it is HIS fault because HIS ACTIONS ultimately led to this. If he never did this, YOU wouldn't have been put in the situation you're in now, correct?

Stop feeling guilty for loving and caring for him - you're human. Humans love and care for their family and friends. Unfortunately, some people take advantage of us for loving and caring but that does not make it our fault for loving and caring. Don't blame yourself for things he did. If anything, you should be angry at him for putting you in this situation and trying to kill you...

You've taken the first steps and I applaud you for that so far. But you need to let go of this completely and realize that you are hurting yourself and him by continuing to try to support him. This is NO longer your responsibility. Your responsibility is now to yourself and yourself alone, first and foremost.

Letting him know where you will be is a BIG mistake. This was your chance to break it and start your healing process. You need to start loving yourself and as Justy has told you; the violence WILL occur again, you know this. Forget about him, end it please. He is not emotionally stable... and it is not your job to fix it.

Stringer

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Originally Posted by LovesAnimals

Well, the lawyer said there is a chance he can get out of all this if I just don't say anything else...so that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go to work and pay bills and support him any way I can (non financially) in all this. He's not dumb and knows everything is not okay... He's still the same guy and isn't going to change and that makes me sad...very sad.

But it's time to come out of my fantasy world and face reality...

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Oh dear... you are right, he's not dumb and he has played into your caring heart and sense of being fair; being nice, so that he doesn't suffer. You run a tremendous risk of things escalating once he knows you definitely want to end the relationship. The vast majority of women who are killed or seriously injured have it occur when they are trying to leave and they have given too much notice, too much information about where they are going. You have him actually moving in with you! STOP!! Stop being nice... I know full well how that can go against your very nature, but you simply must take that uncomfortable step and do what is necessary for your safety.

He can not know where you live, when you are leaving, what any of your plans are. He will be so angry that he will lash out where he can, it's an assault to his manliness, his ego, his sense of power and control and who do you suppose will bare the brunt of his anger? He will hunt you down, perhaps quite literally. Ignore any sweet talk, ignore any apologies, ignore any threats, ignore any promises of changing. Do not take that chance!
Break the lease on the place you rented, explain a bit of the situation with the property manager, perhaps they will let you out without any issue. Even if they do, do not let money keep you from doing what you need to do to keep away from him. Document everything that is done and said. Have no further contact with him... nothing, do not answer e-mails, pages, texts, phone calls, nothing.

I wish you much strength and courage... wisdom and peace. It won't be easy. It will be down right gut wrenching, but you are strong... and you will get through it... much wiser and stronger than you ever knew you were.

If nothing else, think of it this way... if this was your best friend, sister, mother, or daugther going through the same thing... what would you tell them to do??

WHY ARE YOU PROTECTING HIM? HE COULD HAVE KILLED YOU!

All you are doing is changing residences, and you are taking him with you. Why are you allowing this? You need to go somewhere that is safe, and away from HIM! You Need to realise that this is NOT YOUR FAULT!

He IS responsible for his own actions. This wasn't anything YOU did, anything YOU caused, anything YOU asked for! These were HIS ACTIONS!

You told the Dr. what was going on. You needed to do that! Stop feeling guilty for turning in a CRIMINAL! Yes, he is a CRIMINAL!

Physical abuse, or any kind of abuse AT ALL, is a DEAL BREAKER! You have NO responsibility in this PERIOD!

Are you going to stick around feeling guilty until he KILLS YOU???

Get out while you still CAN! He WILL do this again, and I think you know that don't you!! Trust your gut, and get AWAY from him!

I completely feel like my life is falling apart...

Thanks for the continued support and advise. I really do understand and know everything you all are saying to me but it really really helps to have the positive reinforcement that I'm not completely crazy in thinking the way I do.

Last night I got so frustrated I raised my voice and then started crying. I haven't paid my mortgage for a month and 1/2 now and it's showed up on my credit. One of my credit cards decided to lower my limit because of this but at least they didn't jack up the interest rate. The reality of everything is really starting to hit me and I'm having a really hard time dealing. I took two Xanx last night and completely knocked out! My husband decided to go out to his friends and spend the night... since I wasn't giving anything up "intamately" and he needed to talk to his family about helping him out with lawyer fees.. The lawyer says his case is beatable because it's all hear say but he'll need a lawyer.

We fought last night because he saw the copies of the med reports from the doctor. I got copies of my last two visits so he could see them and for the lawyer to have. One tells what really happened. It mentions I thought he was on drugs and belongs to a bike club "gang" and that he choked me. The second states I lied about that because I was embarrassed about our sexual endeavors. He started telling me that I really want to F him over because why did I say all that stuff? I explained again that I was scared! He had guys in his club call all the guy numbers in my phone and threaten them to stay away from me. I work at a bar for my second job and have regular customers I text to let them know I'm working... hence money but that's it and my husband knew about this! Guys from the club were coming in more often and my husband told me sometimes they come in not wearing their colors. I don't want to be constantly watched even though I'm not doing anything wrong. If I wanted to cheat on him I could have but I didn't!

Anyway... he says "how could you do this to me". I'd expect this out of my ex wife but not you... I said "maybe you shouldn't have choked me". He says last night that he has a friend that's going to give him work and pay him cash to help with the bail money and lawyer fees. He says... see this money could have gone towards paying down bills and the house but instead we are losing the house and we are spending it on bail and a lawyer for something I said. He says... all I wanted for us to communicate and work together and now look at this.

I told him I was communicating when I told him we were over extended and were probably going to loose the house. I did communicate with him that I'm hurt and damaged by his verbal/emotional treatment towards me and now physical and that it would take a long time to get over if I even can and to back off and that NO I didn't want to be intimate.

He bascially told me last night how I don't back him and because I said something to the doctor I was trying to screw him. He says I complain that he's said he could ruin my day job... but he hasn't and look I've gone and screwed him over. If I was trying to screw him over... I would have gone to the cops or blamed him for something he didn't do. I was scared and trying to protect myself. What I did wasn't wrong.

I just feel like I'm going to have a complete melt down here pretty soon. My credit score (which I know is nothing compared to my life) has gone from excellent to fair in just one month! I've worked so hard my entire life to pay things I'm responsible for and take care of things I'm responsible for and it's all gone...

All this work for nothing... and he just doesn't get it... how it's all affecting me really. How it's affecting me mentally, emotionally... everything. I understand he feels hurt and betrayed and is scared because he may go to prison or get probation or something but feels that he did what he did because I wouldn't talk with him or be intimate. He says he's totally screwed on finding a job ever because of his charge 13 yrs ago for drugs, dismissed charge 4 yr ago for terorist threats against his ex-wife, and now the two new charges... That's not my fault but his!

Ok... has he or has he not physically abused you? Are we correct in understanding that he has choked you in the past, along with other abusive behaviour? If so, you need to stop communicating with him NOW! Stop talking to him about all that is going on. If you lied at your doctor's visit, that would obviously not be a good thing, but you can't change that now. If it comes up, be totally honest about being fearful.

Do you have any friends or relatives in another area that you could stay with for a period? Another state would be better if possible... a friend he doesn't really know much about would be ideal. If so, make arrangements to do so... do not let him, or anyone else, know that you are going... when or where. If staying with a friend or family member is out of the question, check out centers for abused women... your doctor can put you in touch with them... as they really should have done already. Do inform the police of your plans, of your fears, of the past assaults. Document, document, document everything.

You have to decide whether you want to continue in this type of a relationship because it isn't going to change. If you do, if this is the sort of relationship you had hoped to have, that is your choice. If you want more, then you need to make some very tough decisions. Yes, you will be scared... yes, you will be anxious... yes you will have second thoughts and even start thinking about the good times... all of that is normal... but if you want to be safe and have the chance for a true loving relationship down the road, you have to fight through those feelings. There are people available to help you through each step of the way; who want to help you as they have been in your place before... you have to seek out that help in your area if you want change. It can be difficult to do on your own... take all the help you can along the way.

OH WOW!

--Bike gangs

--Threats from gang members to your customers

--Terrorist threats to his ex

--Drugs charges

---Physical, mental, and emotional abuse

---Choking you

--Blaming you for the problems with your house and credit when you are working two jobs

--He's not working

--Leaving when you won't put out for him

--He will likely go to prison and is blaming you

--He has run your credit off into the ditch

--because of him you are losing your home, and he has threatened that he would try and screw you around with your job, to make things worse for you.

... and you are upset because you raised your VOICE? What? Honey, you are in more danger than you recognise! If he can get his gang members to call people they don't even really know, what do you think they could do to you if they were given the go ahead? Although I don't personally know you, I don't want to see your face on the news as a murder victim! If you think it can't happen, think again dear. It can, and it does! We see it everyday.

You are the number one priority right now. The house, credit, and everything else has to take the back burner for now. You need to go to a safe house. Do you remember how helpless you were when he was choking you? He can and will overpower you. Don't stick around any longer. I really don't think you even get how much DANGER you are in. Please get out!

Out of greenies - again - but... wow! Straight forward, from the heart, brutally honest. Love you, girlfriend!

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Out of greenies - again - but ... wow! Straight forward, from the heart, brutally honest. Love you, girlfriend!

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Right back at you Jude. ;) You know I've been in this situation, and I didn't even have all of the huge waving red flags that are here. It gets me very upset.

Hey we're here for you :) What you're going through is by no means easy and I can't say enough that I truly feel for your situation but I know you can do this - stay strong and hang in there. You are definitely not crazy... your situation is.

As far as the credit thing goes, I've been in your shoes before. You spend your life and energy trying to be responsible for your own actions and then all of a sudden crap hits the fan and you're left picking up the pieces. Seems like when it rains it FREAKING pours doesn't it? What helped me make it through times like these is the fact that even though your credit is suffering, it is a small price to pay to get out of the situation with YOUR LIFE intact. I personally would rather be alive with bad credit than being dead with a 850 credit score... I'm glad you see this too!

His immaturity and lack of desire to take responsibility for his actions speaks volumes as to his true nature. He is not only delusional, but is trying to take the "victim" mentality in all this. No, what you did wasn't wrong. What HE did was WRONG. I understand your frustration, but remember HE isn't the victim here... YOU are. Instead of taking responsibility for his own actions, he is blaming you. He is completely in the wrong here.

You know, I'd almost feel sorry for your husband but the fact that he continues to downplay the whole physical violence and trying to kill you thing and acts like it isn't a big deal is pretty amazing... really. It just goes to show you how delusional he is about the whole situation and he keeps making this all about HIM, HIM, HIM and what you're apparently doing to him.

You better believe damn straight that this isn't your fault! He made his bed, now he has to lie in it. Each individual is solely responsible for their current, past, and future actions. Get out while you still can, seriously.

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Originally Posted by starbuck8

Right back at ya Jude. ;) You know I've been in this situation, and I didn't even have all of the huge waving red flags that are here. It gets me very upset.

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I know - and it's upsetting and frustrating to see the same thing posted over and over again.

Sad. And most of the time the victim thinks it's her fault.

Must be some way to break the cycle... but other than continuing to hammer the same points home, I don't know what it is.

We can talk until we're blue in the face, until she realizes that this needs to stop, she needs to leave, there's nothing we can do.

OP, why did you come here asking for advice? Did you want us to confirm that you're being abused? We did. Did you want us to tell you it can't be fixed? We did. Did you want us to tell you to leave? We did. What more do we have to say?

I know you're scared, but wouldn't you rather be scared and safe then scared and in danger?

This will not end, sitting on your arse and hoping for the best will not solve your problem. You need to act, only you can.

Either get out of there, find your life again or sit back and wait for him to kill you. Those are your options. Personally, the second one doesn't sound so great to me.

Let me put this as bluntly as possible:

If you do not leave, you are committing suicide.

Period.

I have no sympathy for you or ANY of your problems if you don't get off your butt, regardless how scared you are, and get to a women's shelter and divorce your husband. NEVER see him again. Period.

If you choose not to do this, YOU are making the choice to LET him treat you like this. If you stay, then IT IS YOUR FAULT that the abuse continues. He can't hurt you if you're not there for him to hurt.

If you leave, you will find support. You will find people who are better than he is, and people who care for you more than he does--including yourself!

If you stay, you are committing suicide, because he WILL lose control one day, and he WILL kill you.

Blunt is exactly what I needed I guess... because I just don't want to face the truth. Honestly I'm not looking for sympathy for my situation but just answers...

You've all told them to me over and over and over again but I'm still searching for that shred of hope that everything will be okay with us. Everything will be like the good times we'd had and that I wouldn't think about the bad ones and everything could be okay and move forward. I think... he was getting better in how he talked to me... he was considering me more... he was... but it should have never been to begin with. All relationships have arguments but ours was beyond arguments

And then the violence made things go to a whole new level. Things escalated with him when I stopped backing down and he lost "control". He's even said that he choked me to rattle my cage and get me to listen to him... that's not how someone who loves you behaves. Sure, I could have communicated better and sure, I have probably tons of other flaws but I would never physically harm him to "rattle his cage".

You are all correct and thank GOD I don't have children mixed up in this mess! I need to separate from him and move on with my life. Everyone is RIGHT! He even said "if I wanted to kill you I could of but I knew how far to go". Does that sound like someone that is only acting out because they took a "happy pill".

I'm not going to go to a women's shelter because of my animals... but I am going to get out soon and move on with life. I'm the one who chooses to stay in this mess and I'm the one who has to choose to move on...

Thanks everyone and especially those of you who have really told me what's what's and to basically knock off all the Bull$hit! If you don't mind... I will keep you all posted on my progress in getting away from all this... and thank you very much. I never realized when I posted that I would get so much honest support and caring from people I don't even know... something my spouse was supposed to give me...

Thanks Again
LovesAnimals

You knew the answer all along, you know you would give a friend the same support and advice.

You can do this! Start putting it into motion and don't look back. The silver lining will be that you will be stronger and wiser, and you will be able to support other women who find themselves where you once were. Wishing you much strength and courage!

Honey--you can do this! You deserve better than this guy that is hurting you all the time.

If it were your sister in your shoes--what would you tell her? YOU are the best sister you'll ever have--listen to yourself!

All of your other problems, I guarantee you, will sort themselves out and be less overwhelming when you aren't afraid of his reaction to all of them constantly.

Remember--there are people that can help you, even if you don't go to a shelter. The Police Station is a good place to start, or your local social services agency. Heck, even your priest/rabbi/pastor/reverend can help you get a support system in place! You don't have to do this alone!

And--we're here. You are, in essence, the sister to all of us, and we care what happens to you, and want you to be safe, happy and healthy.

I'm going to tell you another short and very true story. I stayed too long in my abusive relationship. Many things in yours ring true to me.

I had once again packed my bags to leave. I knew I needed to leave no matter what. I didn't care anymore about possesions, I just wanted my clothes, and a few things that I needed. I had done it many times before, but was threatened and scared to death.

I almost made it out of the house, when he came driving up. He tried to stop me, but I was able to get my belongings into my car, and jump in. He stood screaming at me and threatening all of the things he had always threatened to do to me if I left. He was chasing me in his truck, and trying to cut me off. I was so scared.

I couldn't stand the sound of the honking and screaming, so I cranked the radio in my car. I swear to God, this song came on that just gave me so much power at that moment!

It doesn't matter what kind of music you like, just please listen to this song and the words to it. It sure helped me, and I hope it does you a little.

YouTube - Chely Wright - Shut Up And Drive

My blood is still boiling about you thinking of defending him in court. Ok suppose you do, and he get off free, do you think he will thank you for that or something? No, he'll come back to you blaming you for making him waste money on a lawyer in the first place. AND he'll think you're bland and stupid and aren't even able to defend yourself against him. That you can't even carry though with the lawsuit. That he's free to do whatever he wants to you. And for once that the whole abuse reporting machinery has worked (doctor... police.. courts) it would have been all for nothing!
Well, whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck.

I'm so glad you're standing up for yourself and doing something about this. Please keep us posted - we're a click away if you need us!

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Originally Posted by kirriky

My blood is still boiling about you thinking of defending him in court. Ok suppose you do, and he get off free, do you think he will thank you for that or something?? No, he'll come back to you blaming you for making him waste money on a lawyer in the first place. AND he'll think you're bland and stupid and aren't even able to defend yourself against him. That you can't even carry though with the lawsuit. That he's free to do whatever he wants to you. And for once that the whole abuse reporting machinery has worked (doctor...police..courts) it would have been all for nothing!
Well, whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck.

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I know what she is going through. She's so worried about hurting his feelings (the man that says he loves her), that she's not thinking of her own feelings. But yes, when everything falls though and you give back in, he'll turn everything against you and even blackmail you with all this. He may not even want you back after he sees that he has you back, maybe not right away but he'll use it against you eventually. This happened to someone I know. It's a game for him to see if he wins or loses. Stay strong. Don't pay attention to anything he says whether its charming or ugly... they are all ways of him trying to bargain with you or himself. He only wants control back.

So... I'm hanging in there. I haven't made my move yet but I'm staying strong to my beliefs and the "TRUTH" that what he says to me is just that words... Either he truly is delusional and believes what he is saying or he's very manipulative (probably a little of both). It doesn't really matter because I have to remember what he did to me and it wasn't right and the fact that he down plays it and doesn't understand the impact it's all had on me... I am working on getting out and I'm determined to do so no matter what he says...

Everything went down on Friday... The cops came to the door early in the morning looking for him. I came home after my second job... his truck wasn't there... so I just went to bed. When I answered the door I said he wasn't there as far as I know! They searched the house and then found him hiding in the backyard. He must have came home after I went to sleep (he was at a friend's house) so... They think I new he was there so they gave me a citation for obstruction of justice! I don't have money for a lawyer but I'm going to fight it. They have no proof and it's my word against theirs and I'm telling the truth so hopefully the system will work!

Well, he bailed out and came back to the house. I keep telling him I'm not okay with us but I also try not to make him made although he's not dumb enough to do anything with two charges pending... I told him yesterday I couldn't be his support system and he has no idea how all this has affected me... Like everyone has said, there is no reasoning with him on anything!!

I think he feels he's in control at this point because I let him back to the house for now but he is sorely wrong. He talks about jail and prison and how they make criminals out of people and that he's not that guy and can't do the time and needs a lawyer. I tell him to start looking for friends and family to help because I have no money for that and have my own worries now. He says the should be looking for "real killers" which reinforces the fact he doesn't really really believe he did anything wrong. That just strengthens my conviction to move on... there is no going back and fixing things... it's done... just waiting it out now till the right and best time.

We argued yesterday about my tone I use with him and he can tell I just don't want him around. I don't want him to get angry and feel like he's baiting me so I say I'm just angry with everything that's happened and he should understand that. Then it's the "poor me" thing when he says he knows he's caused everything...

Well... sorry for venting :(

I just wanted all of you wonderful caring people to know that I'm okay and that I haven't changed my mind on anything!! This relationship will end and it will be soon!!

Thanks again for all your caring and support!

LovesAnimals...

Please be VERY VERY CAREFUL! This is going to sit and resinate in his mind, and he will know he is going down, and once he realises he has nothing to lose, he IS going to take that out on YOU, if you are still around. I can see this like a movie in my head. He blames this on you, and he will make sure that before he is locked up, that you pay for "what you've done to him!"... which we all know YOU haven't done A THING!

You really do need to make your plans... and fast! Stay safe, and look out for YOU! Find your animals a safe place in the meantime. There are many people I'm sure that would be willing to foster them for a short period. I know this is all very hard, and I know you don't want to be without your animals, I totally understand that. Just find a safe place for all of you as soon as you can PLEASE. This is NOT going to be a happy ending if you don't. He's already got you involved and has caused charges to be pressed against you. It can only get worse from here on.

Take care of yourself!

This is as clear as black and white there is no gray area LovesAnimals... listen to us! Get out now, please!

Stringer

I know everything in my being does agree with you, Stringer. Your voice along with everyone else sounds very loud and clear to GET OUT NOW!

Each day I'm closer and closer to that step. I am looking at the braod picture of everything and what steps to take to make sure I am safe. That's the most important thing to me right now... do what it takes to be safe.

I am moving on the 11th-12th and I'm planning it all without him. I will be scheduling the rental truck and moving help next Monday and from now until the 11th it will just be working and packing.

I have actually stopped worrying about him all of the time... hard to believe but I've reached that point now. I have to look out for me first and for most, like everyone has said. I have pictures of what I looked like after he choked me and I requently look at them now to remind myself of what he actually did! I tend to forgive and forget a bit too easy sometimes.. most of the time. I looked up the charges I got and the max is $1000 fine and up to a year in jail! They don't have any real evidence and I am the victim in everything so I think they will go light or drop the charges all together. I will be contacting the county for a Public Defender on Monday as well...

Thanks for your continued support, allowing me to voice my concerns, and being straight with me. It's been a slow process but I am getting to where I need to be...

They will not go light on him, nor should they. Hopefully you have decided that it is in your best interest to assist with the charges. What is your reasoning for contacting the Public Defender?

Does your husband know where you are moving since he was once invited? Will you cave when he has no where else to go?

Leave him ,he doesn't love you ,he never has and he never will

Justwantfair... he is facing much more than $1000 and a year in jail with the two felony charges they have against him. I got charged with obstruction of justice although I didn't know if he was there or not for sure when they came and scooped him up last week. The cops thought I was lying so therefore charged me! I'm contacting the public defendor to help me on my charge... not his. He's looking for a criminal lawyer for his (which I am not helping with and want to know nothing about).

Yes.. my husband does know where the new house is... but he's never been there and technically he is not allowed to live there. I am the only one on the lease. Honestly I don't know if I'll cave but for my sake I certainly hope not! I don't think keeping on like we are is good for either one of us...

Batman76... I know you are right and I see that more and more every day with him. Deep down even after only a year or so of marriage I felt that way. I always kind of felt like I was his jackpot or cash cow not a partner. So many times he's said he'd get a second job but I've never seen it happen and there were always so many exuses... now he doesn't even have one! I know it's hard out there but... What happened to the job his old boss promised him about a week ago so he says? Why hasn't he started? All empty promises that shows that he really doesn't care about anyone but himself.

When I don't spend time with him I see things so clear and then POW he gets in my head... or at least that's how it's been, not anymore! I really do know the truth and I guess I always have but didn't want to see it... sucks...

Yes, I knew that you meant you were getting a public defender for the charges the cops placed on you. He put you in this position. My gut says you really did know he was there, and you were covering for him. I'm not judging you, but I think you know I'm right. It's okay, I get it. Just NEVER do that again for him, or you really will be in trouble... and for what? DO NOT protect him anymore! See what kind of mess he has gotten you into now?

Get out those pictures of your face. Carry them with you! Look at them over and over, whenever he says something to you, and you feel him getting into your head, pull them out and take a good look! He's knows he can get to you. He knows the words to say. He knows the things to do. Don't fall for it! You know you can't! You know he won't change anything for you. You know he will hurt you again, and it will be WORSE next time. He's got nothing to lose now! So keep on bringing out those pictures, and remind yourself that you got off easy this time! Next time he will mess you up even more. He won't care, because he knows he's going down anyway, so one more charge won't mean much at all to him!

Get your public defender, get your plan in place, and get your life back. Believe me, it will be so much better once you can see it more clearly, and he is gone... gone... GONE!!

YOU KNOW YOU NEED TO DO IT! We will all be here for you when you need someone to talk to. We can't be here for you if you're not here!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rachelcuryy08

hi, baby you not hurting him, you hurting you, you need to think about your life and how much you love you sometimes we can be in so much love or (lust) that we can forget about our self.hon you have to pick your head up and dont let that man let you fell like there is no one out there better for you. baby girl this is this you need to fall on your knees and ask god to for give you. after that prayer:LORD I SURRENDER TO YOU HELP ME TO OVER COME THIS LORD I KNOW YOU SAID THAT WHAT I HAVE PUT TOGETHER LET NO MAN TAKE APART LORD BUT I MUST SAY I HAVE HAD ENOUGH LORD I LOVE YOU LORD I WILL SURRNDER TO YOU LORD. GUID ME THREW THIS LORD WHEN YOU TAKE ME OUT THIS LORD YOU WILL MAKE ME WHOLE YOU WILL HELP ME TO BE THE PERSON YOU WANT ME TO BE. LORD HELP ME HELP ME I NEED YOU LORD HELP ME IM CALLING ON YOU LORD DEPENDING ON YOU KNOWING THAT NO ONE CAN HELP ME BUT YOU I LOVE YOU LORD PLEASE HELP ME AND HELP ME TO PUT ME TOGETHER. SAY LORD I ACCECPT YOU AS MY PERSONAL SAVER IN CHRIST LORD PLEASE HELP ME OUT OF THIS AMAN....... when you pray that prayer you need to say it with a clear heart. When you pray ask GOD to just help your heart to be strong sometimes we hold on to things that GOD want us to let go so he can come threw. baby girl let him go so GOD can send you a blessing sometimes we are like baby's when god tell us no we saying yes."SO" what GOD do he let us do it just to let us see now GOD want you to come back and let him guide you threw baby girl stop running you dont need to be going threw that. stop and let the burting go. It may be hard but with christ it shall be done let go and let GOD this battle is not yours it the lords. love you keep your head up i hope you take heed to this message.

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You apparently have issues because you've felt the need to post your religious message all over the board, in all categories, all subjects, never answering a question, always preaching.

As I said - you very obvious have some issues yourself. Why don't you post on the religious threads?

(It would be helfpul if you could actually spell "Aman," by the way.)


Otherwise - you DID read that this woman is subjected to physical violence, right?

Hi... I just wanted to post so all you caring people know that I'm still here and trying to do the right thing for me.

I'm moving in two weeks and as of now he is still going with but that is most likely going to change. The lawyer said they will issue a restraining order on him so he won't be able to be around me which is actually a blessing in disguise. Since I won't help myself... I'm glad the system is designed to ;)

I'm have been still helping him financially as of yesterday but I'm frustrated and stepping back. I have read through everything everyone has posted and really am taking it all to heart and thinking logically.

This last weekend he had my head so twisted around that I thought I was the bad person! I saw his violent nature come out again when he was pounding on the door of the bathroom for me to come out. I know I'm not a saint and I never wanted him to go to prison but enough is enough. Enough of the poor me (speaking of myself... ) I think he can't survive on his own without me but he's proven he can do what it takes when he needs to, which angers me! He is not a well person behaving the way he does but then again I'm not a well person for continuing to subject myself to all this when I'm really not bound by anything a lot of women are bound by... 1) NO KIDS 2) NOT BOUND FINANCIALLY but yet I stay because I love him. But my counselor and you have helped me realize it's not a healthy love for either of us.

This is not really a great time for me to leave him high and dry but when will be? Self preservation mode is starting to creep in and I keep telling myself that yes I guess I am being selfish putting myself and my needs first but what has he done to earn the right for me to continue to put him first?

I know I've said I was on the right path before but now I truly believe I've reached that point. I know I'll grieve not having him in my life but it will pass and my life will again become my own ;) It's time...

I will reach out if I need you but if nothing else promise to keep you posted. I know everyone is sincerely concerned and don't want to leave you wondering.

Thanks again,
LovesAnimals ;)

You are not thinking logically, you are thinking with your heart still and I would hazard to guess, with plenty of fear still.

You have made some great strides, but you haven't broken free from him, and I realize that is a difficult thing to do, but you really need to take that last step. It is scary, I know... you start thinking of the what if's, how things used to be when they were good, how you think they still might be... even if you won't admit it, what will the future hold. It's an abusive relationship, but it is what you know and there is a semblance of comfort in that aspect of it. That is holding you back from taking the final steps you need to.

If you are having him move with you, what in the world is the point of a restraining order?? I don't know what anyone else can tell you, you seem to be stuck at this point. I can understand that, but at the same time, I wish you would reconsider, at the very least, of having him move with you.

I know it can often taken women numerous attempts at ending an abusive relationship. I wish you well... keep us posted.

Hi...

I'm just posting a note that nothing has changed in my life as of yet because I'm the only one that can really change things. DoulaLC is absolutely right that I'm not thinking logically still :(

I'm going to see my old counselor tonight that had gotten me on the right track and the confidence to ask him to leave the first time. He knows both of us because we had done couples counseling with him almost 3 years ago. He is a firm believer as all of you are that we should not be together.

I really don't want to be the victim any more but I'm stuck in a rut! I tell myself it's done and then I don't have the guts. I even question if I have to have drama in my life to feel whole or something because why on earth would I still be in the situation I'm in. I'm not mentally well and I know that... but I need to know how to fix it too! I know there is no "magic pill" or "wand" that can be waved...

I move this weekend and then the following week he goes to court for the first time. The lawyer stated they will most likely issue a restraining order. I think a good step for me is to insist that we go along with what's issued because I don't want to get into any more trouble and him staying with me would be breaking the law! It's bad enough I have to fight and obstruction of justice order in a month or so. My boss said my job wouldn't be in jepordy with the current charge but to be very careful going forward because eventually this whole situation could :(

Well, don't want to ramble but just wanted to let everyone know that things are sinking in although it's a very slow process for me... I think looking up strangulation online and just reading about stuff helps me understand how serious everything really is. Instead of telling myself it isn't true and just going on in denial.

On step at a time and baby steps... seems to work best for me and seems the safest road. I'm really banking on that restraining order in all honestly.

Thanks again...
Loves Animals

I think you have clear eyes - while I might not handle things the way you are, you are moving forward at your pace and, as I said, with clear eyes.

I wish you well. PLEASE keep us informed because I'm sure we are all worried about you.