It is so hard not to know anything because she lives so close to me and we have the same friends.
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It is so hard not to know anything because she lives so close to me and we have the same friends.
Maybe its time to get your own life without her in it.
Easier said than done. I do not want to get new friends just because of what happened between us two. But I did start new activities that I was not able to participate in while with her due to the amount of time I had available.
No one is saying get "new" friends. Girlfriends come and go, but good friends... well, they are truly hard to find. I think what Tal was suggesting (correct me if I am wrong), is to look for activities and other friends to hang out with, just in case your current friends are hanging out with your ex... it is always good to take a breather away from things that may bring up old wounds... especially, old, fresh wounds. You seem to be doing a fine job of getting involved in activities, which is good. Just keep it up, and soon your life will be jammed with positive things that have NOTHING to do with her...
I agree and that is something that I have been working on. I have been hanging out with this one friend of mine a lot more lately because she is not friends with my ex. I have been going to places I usual have not gone before and started all these new activities that I wished I did before. These two things really do help a lot with the process.
Now, I know I am in a messed up situation and will be for a while during my healing process. But, what if she decides to come back? What should I do? Even though she did this to me, I still love her. I told her before that I would only get back with her if she is committed and will not have any regrets anymore.
But I don't think I can make any radical decisions while I am still not over her. How would I go about this?
You don't worry about the what ifs in life... What if Halle Berry walked into your room naked? What if Megan Fox wanted to marry me?
You see, it just isn't worth the effort to give things out of your control, a second thought.
What if you just moved on with your life??
Well, I know that I should not be thinking of the what ifs. But she did clearly say to me that she wants to be with and just needs some time off to be single and experience. I know this sounds like a big old lie and I am not hoping and wishing for this to happen. I am not counting on her to go through with what she said but she does want to be with me in the end. I just don't know if I could take her back.
Are you high? Read that and tell me what it sounds like? I want some time to HAVE FUN with other guys, and don't want to be tied down...will you wait for me? Just sit on the porch, until I let you in...Quote:
Originally Posted by A4Effort
Man, WAKE up! Don't wait around like some puppy until she is finished having fun... you are more deserving than that.
Basically to continue on what KC was saying. Your ex is saying, without the harshness of words that " I want to play the field of d*cks, but when I am done getting my fill, I might come back if I get bored or find that nothing else is out there"
If you want to wait around for one girl, then do it, but she is telling you she isn't waiting around for you.
We know that you love this girl. And you will for a while. What you keep forgetting is that she does not love you. If she really did love you, she wouldn't even consider treating you this way. She would not be able to stand seeing you in pain. She would think about you every moment of every day, and not be thinking about the other guys she could be dating. She would not treat you like a used car that she took out for a test drive... wanting to test drive a few more before she makes her final decision. You are not a used car. You are a person with feelings.
Honey, you keep making excuses here. There's nothing you've mentioned that there isn't an answer for. You live 2 doors down from her. Well try to move. If not to another building, then at least to another floor. Ask someone to trade with you. If you REALLY wanted to, you would find a way. As for your friends, they care about you too. Talk to them. Explain that you don't want to be put into a position of being around her. They will be sensitive to that and do all they can to help you avoid it. And how you feel about her is completely irrelevant to how she is treating you.
Do you WANT to keep feeling like this? If you do, just keep doing as you have been. If you really do want to heal, it will take time, but if you listen to what everyone here is telling you, it will get easier and easier. We've all been through it and we know how you feel. We really do sympathize with you, but in the end, only YOU can do what you need to do in order to get over her.
I'm going to throw in one more old cliché here to give you something to think about. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. And I think this is what happened with you. I think you are a whole lot more in love with her now that you can't have her than you were when you were in the relationship. You've said that neither of you was really happy in the end. And yet here you are, feeling as though your world has been torn apart. You need to spend some time thinking about what was WRONG in the relationship. You need to focus on why the relationship would not work. Because even if she comes back to you (and I don't think she will), I can almost promise you it's not going to be the fairytale ending you are hoping for. It will do nothing but prolong the hurt.
There really is such a thing as true love. I'm living it, so I know it's there. Until my husband, I didn't believe in it. But in spite of the years of difficulty we had in our relationship, the way he looked at me when he put that ring on my finger and the tears in both our eyes just proved to me that we were meant to be together. We had always known it. And when you meet that right one for you, you will just know it. I can't explain how. You just will. And there will be NO doubts for either one of you.
Everyone, together now!! : AWWWWWWWWWWW :)Quote:
Originally Posted by smalltowngal
While I empathize with your feelings, been there done that, no way am I going to let you sit on a pity pot, and be abused by this female, who has your nose open, and has you stuck on stupid. Harsh I know, but you really need you to see your intense feelings of rejection, and shock, has your mind playing tricks on you, making you blind to the obvious. She is screwing around, and has you as her pet, waiting for crumbs and your so attached that you are going for it. What if she doesn't give you any more crumbs? Think man, and stand up for yourself, and get her from under your skin by getting busy making yourself happy without her. Time and NC will heal you, so you can make better decisions for yourself, based on facts and not just feelings.
Ok, so I just want to make sure I am making the right decision to move on and live my life without her.
She has not had many experiences and she is young. She feels like committing to me me so early on will make her regret it later, hence why she would like to take a break and gain more experience by dating others casually without getting into a relationship. In her family, the women have been hurt by the men they dated and she does not want to be hurt like her family did. She does not want to hurt me by staying with me and later having these thoughts. She still loves me and said that she wants to be with me and eventually marry me one day but needs to space to make sure that she is doing the right thing by committing to me this early on in her life.
So, considering all of what is written above, it is best if I left her and lived my life without her because I do not deserve this type of treatment. Right?
All she is doing is trying to excuse her behaviour. If it was true that she knows she wants to marry you, she wouldn't need to test drive the other cars. Period.
She is doing the grass is greener on the other side, but maybe I will return to my lawn when I see how the mow theirs.
Oh and just to expand on my point, you want to know why they appear to have the greenest grass? Because they use the best bullsh*t around buddy
This anger is doing wonders for me. I am able to accept the fact that I will be OK without her and eventually will find someone else. What she is doing to me is wrong and makes me feel like I am plan B. Thankfully, my close friends are there to support me and guide me through this situation.
Also, this thread has given me a lot of courage and advice to move on. I will probably come back to it with changed feelings but I will do my best to work through this.
I can bet that you will go through times where you miss her, where you hate her, where you want her back and where you wish you never met her. You are going to get on one hell of a roller coaster my ride, but the end is well worth the ride.
Haha, I feel like I am going through those feelings every hour. One minute I am strong and angry, and than the next minute I am sad and want her to come back to me.
But still deep inside me, I want to be with her and spend the rest of my time with her.
Absolutely normal my friend... just be strong enough to stay on this ride, otherwise you will be taking yourself back to square 1 over and over and over and... yeah...
Look... this I don't know if you posted all the details in earlier threads (im too damn lazy to waste my life reading) and I know at some point threads were merged... but ill take a guess...
You are either in college or in an apt complex... young 20's... this is probably your first Big Love?
Here's the deal. You will drive yourself crazy. Its going to happen.
You are going to wonder who she is with and what she is doing.
You are going to wonder if you are enabling her to step away from you.
You are going to wonder if you are going to find someone you can trust and connect with again like her.
You are going to wonder, if she comes back, how do you trust it is for real?
Most young, Big Loves, are intense, unbelievable, and they last for a time. Not all time, but for a time.
I don't think my first big love (HS, college, med school) intended to screw me over... but she did. I guess that makes her less evil. Honest truth is we had a really intense love that was great for a time, for that time, but not for all time.
Thank GOD I didn't marry her. We had plans. Ideas. A future.
We were right together for that time.
Now... another thing you'll maybe fall into is comparing too much. One love to the next. And there will be a next love, even if it feels so far away. I was depressed and frustrated when I couldn't find another to connect to for over a year... then, suddenly, there were three great women interested in me. Life is just screwed and wacked like that.
Uhm... whatthehell was my point? I confuse myself.
I guess it was to say its never as bad as it seems at the time. Its usually not as big as it seems at the time. And allow yourself to be pissed.
We all hope our ex's are out there, pining for us, wondering if we miss them as much as they supposedly miss us.
Well... I doubt nicole thinks about me when she's screwing another man. I don't think the "evil jen" was thinking about me when she was cheating on me. Your ex girlfriend (and she is your ex) might not be "evil" at all... she might love you honestly, but know in her heart that its too early for her to be tied down to anyone person.
That isn't evil.
Even her thinking she might come back to you someday isn't evil. Its just misguided.
You are both young. You both have some learning and growing to do, and that involved getting through some hurt. And being a little pi$$ed, like I said, isn't the worst way to muck your way through this.
My ex might not be missing me enough to reconcile, but I'm damn sure happy to make her think I'm moving on... and if she wanted to be with me, shed better be forceful, direct, and sure about it.
So... sorry you are in this place. Most of us have been where you are in some form or another. Good news is that, whatever happens, you are learning about yourself, your needs, and what makes a relationship work. Bad news is its no fun, even when you know what might be coming.
Your are the first one to say that she is not evil for having those thoughts in her head. But like you said, they are misguided. If she does comeback I need to think carefully, if I am going to regret anything since she is my first true love. If she does not come back than I hope I do not regret having lost her. Either way I have learned much about myself that will be used to benefit any future relationship that I partake in.Quote:
Originally Posted by kp2171
I just can't believe how I never had those thoughts that she had even when we were experiencing the bad side of our relationship. I always knew that I could spend the rest of my life with her.
But I could not believe how she could indirectly make me question myself about my character and who I was as an individual.
Well... I guess id be harder on her if I haven't done some of the same. While I never cheated on any big love (and two cheated on me) I did hurt at least one girl without meaning to. Make that two.
It wasn't malicious. I didn't mean to hurt anyone. But wasn't ready to be in a relationship (after starting a relationship)... it happens.
Hate to say it, but in some way, this has made you face what most of us have to face at some point... our preconceptions about love and relationships... what work is worth doing and what isn't... what you should expect to put into it and what you should demand for yourself first, no matter the outcome.
So... I don't think what she's asking you to do (wait, knowing she might come back) is good for you at all. But that doesn't make her evil necessarily. I think she's young, inexperienced, and in a big new world. She's not the first person to be talked about on these threads as being in a close relationship but wanting room because of the draw of the unknown.
That doesn't make her evil... as much as itd be easier to label her as such... but it might make her wrong for you, no matter what connection you had.
Looking back, I wish each relationship ended differently for the most part... only one big love ended kindly... but I can tell you that, in time, whether you are ever together again or not, you will see this experience as a critical step toward understanding what it means to be in love, to be loved, and to know yourself better without losing yourself in any relationship.
Just sucks to be you right now.
You live and you learn. I been through so much stuff in my life and I learned so much from those experiences. After those experiences I thought that I could never be hurt as bad. But I was wrong. The worst part is, and what makes this whole experience so much worse, is that I went through a genocide as a child. That event caused me never to show any emotions to anyone else and made it hard for me to show emotions to someone close to me. People only saw me as a happy person because I never showed any signs of weakness. Once she came along though, everything changed and I opened up. I felt love and all other emotions. I started accepting that hiding my emotions was wrong. Now that she left I feel like I am taking a step back and going back to hiding my feelings because I won't be able to trust anyone who tries to come close to me.
Edit: I was doing great all day, than I get to my psych class and see her there. I didn't sit near her or have any contact but I still was able to see her. It made me feel sad, that I was not with her and that I had to ignore her. I saw that it was bothering her too though. Well, here is the down part, I hope it goes up from here again.
Oh and on top of that, my stupid self decided to text her and now she will be calling me later to discuss why I was this rude to her today. I'm just going go ahead in kick myself in the head now.
You fell stumbled and fell down. Pick yourself back up and keep moving. Learn to forgive yourself for having a weak moment and believe that you CAN do this! None of us are born knowing how to walk right out of the womb. When we try to walk for the first time we will all stumble and fall at least few times.
Don't let it get you down, don't give up!
I am, however, wondering what you mean by she will be calling you to discuss how rude you were? Is this over the fact that you ignored her in class?
She said that I am being rude because I am threatening her because I told her that the more guys she dates, the more she will loose me. Also, today I returned a belonging of hers back to her. She says she loves me but she can't handel the way I am treating her in such an inappropriate manner.
You're treating her in an innappropriate manner? And she feels she's been treating you appropriately? She needs a good hard look in the mirror.
Also, sometimes she will say that I am manipulating her because I switch my emotions constantly. One day I am I want to be with her and the other day I cut her off completely.
Its funny though because I just read another thread about bad break up lines and she used the first one: If its meant to be than it will happen.
But yet, even after all this bull, I still want to be with her.
Let me get this straight - she's the one who wanted space and wanted to "experience" life, but you're the bad guy here? I understand you're the one who broke things off but that's only because she didn't have the strength to do so herself. Don't let her play the victim in this! Have the respect in yourself to not be manipulated by her this way. There is absolutely NOTHING for you to discuss with her. Cut off the contact and let things be. She wanted space? Give it to her. You owe her NOTHING.Quote:
She said that I am being rude because I am threatening her because I told her that the more guys she dates, the more she will loose me. Also, today I returned a belonging of hers back to her. She says she loves me but she can't handel the way I am treating her in such an inappropriate manner.
Wanting something doesn't mean you should have it. I wand to eat chocolate all day long. But I know how bad it's going to make me feel if I do. You just have to be strong. I will agree with one thing she said though... one day you treat her as though you want to be with her and the next day you try the no contact thing and she feels as though she's being ignored. Switching back and forth is confusing to both of you and you really have to try to find a way to stop doing it. Tell her straight out that you want no further contact with her, that she made her decision and so you are moving on with your life, and leave it at that. No long, drawn out conversations, no apologies needed, no crying, just move on. It will be best for both of you at this point.
Don't worry about the text. Let's just call that a relapse. Try the NC. Don't answer the phone if she calls. You can do this. You can't be in limbo. That's no fun for either of you. You know... breaking up is hard to do. She needs to know what it feels like to miss you! Good luck
Aww... man, I feel for you. I'm also going through almost exactly the same thing with my girl. Except, I have been doing something really stupid. I keep trying to pull her back in, by doing little things for her, and trying to stay in contact with her. Even though I know that she has made up her mind (i really want to be with you(in the end) but i just have to see whats out there) I still do those little things that I hope will bring her back, but I know that everything I try and do just (pushes her a little further away) so she says. But now I have realized that, that is just her way of making herself "the victim," in something that she has started.
If somebody feels this is wrong(or right) please let me know.
But you... I guess I'm just trying to say is: I feel for you man. And that you are doing way good and taking some awesome steps in resolving this. In fact, you have helped me a whole lot just by me reading about this. I actually have never thought about the whole NC thing before. But the only problem is, now, she says I've pushed her so far away(with the little things) that she doesn't even want to talk anymore. Yet she says she still says she loves me, and "hopes" maybe it will all work out in the end. And we could still come back together in the end.? watdafrixup? Its all just part of her little game to make herself feel like the victim.
You know... I'm glad that heavenly father gives us these little obstacles to help us learn, but comon man... seriously.
But oh well... we just have to remember that there is I greater plan set for us. We just need to have faith that our heavenly father knows a hecka lot more than we do and that he knows what he's doing. And he's only going to do what he knows will make us truly happy in the end.
So what do you say we just let go and enjoy the few years we have left to be single and to really have some fun. You know... go out and do all those things we've always dreamt about doing. It's a great chance to do something fun while you still can. And who knows... maybe after I while of learning more about herself, she might come back. And it'll be hard to let her back in if that's the case. If not then oh well. But no matter what happens, we can still say: "hey, i actually did something with MY life... i actually progressed. and it was FUN:)" and then we can ask her: "what did you get out of this?" haha, and she won't know what to say, besides: "uh... i had fun:/" or maybe it will be: "i met the love of my life:)" but whatever it is, we can always stand strong... because we KNOW... it was surely for the best.
So have fun bra;) and lets try not to let them hold us back from seeing the beauty of life. because life is truly AMAZING.. . If you give it a chance.
~peace
Oh my friends have I sunk to a new low. So she called me yesterday and we talked. Big mistake. We argued and she kept on telling me how inconsistent I have been. I argued back with her and told her my story. Neither of us gained anything. It probably separated us for good because before hand in my stupid head I still believed that she was coming back. She said that she talked to her mother about how I have been behaving towards her. Her mother explained to her how the same thing happened when she divorced her husband. So basically, I fell down and belittled myself. She is actually right about certain parts and the way I have been behaving. She understands that I need space and no contact but my stupid butt has been doing things during the NC period to make things worse.
Great... I feel just great!!
a4effort: why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up!
Yeah, I just can't stand these high's and low's. She was/is my first true love and I am doing everything wrong to let her go and everything wrong to gain her back. I just can't wait for my vacation.
Your problem is you keep focusing on getting her back. The idea of no contact isn't to give her space. It's to give you space so you can learn to move on with your life. Talking to her isn't helping. The "just one more conversation" isn't getting you anywhere.
Well, you are totally right but I just can't seem to move on from her. She had such a big impact on my life that I can't just let go.
You just have to give it more time... and more time... and some more. This isn't supposed to happen over night, othrewise it wouldn't be called love. Patience... learn it, live it, love it!Quote:
Originally Posted by A4Effort
Haha you would think that after an 8 page thread I would have learned something.
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