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He's out of jail already and he didn't go to rehab however he's taking meetings and Starting to attend church again . He's also going back to school again and he's going to finish his semester. I've been hanging around him lately but haven't taken my daughters near him or anything like that . He's been using his car and money to take me out.
You are asking for problems, I am going through the same thing, only my fiance's ex(who is the father of the two kids) had went to rehab for 8 months and then got out in December, was allowed to see the girls(got to love the NJ courts!) and just last weekend his girlfriend called his mom to come get the girls because he was on something(heroin) and she doesn't know how long he's been on it.
Whether you have taken your children near him or not you have just chosen this man OVER your children. For that there will be consequences.Quote:
Originally Posted by VAN5090
Some people are broken - and you cannot fix them -! No matter what.
You have children. They should be your first priority.
This man has a pattern, a history, none of it good. You are happy that he is spending HIS money and using HIS car to take you out instead of YOUR money and YOUR car?
I think you need to re-read your post.
As I said - some people are broken and cannot be fixed.
He's 27 years old. He's not going to change. He is only going to take you down with him.
What a shame.
You owe it to your babies to provide a better life for them than the life you will have with a struggling addict.
Its been about a month Since he's been out of jail a week after he got out he started snorting heroin again:( and I Just found this out 3 days ago Nothing has changed I broke up with him Yesterday and His mom called me and told me Hes going into rehab
Well, now you need to never talk to him again. Just because a person goes to rehab, doesn't mean that they won't relapse. You need to start thinking about your daughter's needs, instead of your own. It is not easy to do, but in the long run you will be happy that you made the right decision to let this loser go.
Well hopefully now you will keep your head out and focus on being a mother.
Addictions are a difficult thing to break but you have two children to be concerned about, taking care of another person is not in your best interest. You have to break this cycle for your own good and the welfare of your children.
This isn't about you, when you gave birth your life stopped being yours first, it's your children's first. You are all that they have.
The thing is that heroin is a really powerful drug and a lot of people can't stop doing it... u should have not even messed with him in the first place? How long did he do it for and how long did he stop till he relapsedQuote:
Originally Posted by VAN5090
He's been Doing Heroin Since he was 15
He was off it for a year and relapsed around The super bowl Sunday date His buddy came to town .
So you are competing with a 12 year addiction...
Just so you know, you NEVER stood a chance.
Pack up your things and move on. I can not say it enough.
He will be going into treatment Today but either way I will focus on my children's needs Its really hard to have many life changing transitions I mean I thought He was the one for me. I thank everyone who has helped me go threw this.
Good luck to you. You are working on breaking your own addiction to this person. Just know that you are the most important person in your child's life. Bringing in just anyone just to have the nuclear family will not benefit you or your children.
Be selective, be happy with who you are, standing on your own two feet. Partners should compliment who we already are. God bless.
You ought to thank your lucky stars that he is not the father of your girls. If your little girls had a heroin addict for a father we'd all be saying "poor little girls"... offering this advice and that to help you help your daughters cope with the burden of having a drug addicted father. You'd never choose this problem for your daughters would you? Of course not! You have made the right choice.
Your daughters are depending on you to protect them from all the bad people in the world, that includes heroin addicts.
He is a ticking time bomb. Not just drugs but battery too? Okay so are you going to let him beat the h#ll out of you or your girls because you told him, "no," you can't borrow money? Addicts like that will not stop at getting what they want and there is nothing they won't do...to the point of killing, robbing and then satisfying the "Need." Save your life and the life of your girls. There should not even be a question like this. You know the answer.
I must point out that over the course of this thread I'm a little shocked over the wording and descriptions being used in terms of addicts. They are people too and to suggest they will not change is not fair, neither is it helpful.
However, you did mention people deserving a second chance although your numbering was off. You being with him in the first place was his second chance, NOT when he relapsed. I am all for you having made that leap of faith in the hopes of him getting better, when he didn't it was time to go. You simply have too much to lose to gamble with someone that has continually shown a lack of sincerity in terms of getting better.
Finally, I will disagree with some of the statements made towards this man and addcts in general, but I do believe the advice is correct. Leave or you'll be dragged down too. You being there for him is not helping him the way you think it is, in fact it may well be hurting him in his recovery. Nevertheless, it is you and your future you need focus on.
I have first hand knowledge of heroin addicts, BMI the facts speak for themselves about the percentage of drug users that relapse. Even more, heroin addicts are more likely to relapse and are more prone to overdosing because they feel that they can do the same amount they used to. My fiance's ex husband is a heroin addict, he quit twice before I met her, he went to rehab this past year(3rd time he's "quit") and was clean for the time he was in there(10 months) plus 3 more and then relapsed and we haven't heard from him since then. I am all for people rebuilding their lives, but drug users are less likely to do this. The facts speak for themselves
Relapse Prevention and Drug Addiction
ScienceDirect - Drug and Alcohol Dependence : Prediction of relapse to frequent heroin use and the role of methadone prescription: An analysis of the Amsterdam Cohort Study among drug users
No need to give statistics, I'm aware of the relapse rate of heroin addicts. There is no doubt statistically this young man was more likely to end up doing what he actually did than for him to have put it down for good, that is not my problem.
There are some that do indeed stay clean, I pointed out that some on this board hear the word addict and the advice is to run as far away as possible from "those people". This man's mother would like to believe her son has a chance and pointing out the statistics to her would do no good.
I do not think the advice should be run away regardless when the word addict is mentioned. In this case the advice was spot on and the statistics worked the way they should, it still does not make the initial assessment of him right or fair.
I think members of the board just don't want to take that risk. Especially with children being involved in the situation. There is too much at stake and often times addicts become violent. Just my take, I'd never date an addict but some people might feel different
I understand your point BMI and an addict does deserve a second chance. And a person can care for them very much. As a mother I would still care about my child if he were an addict and always hope that he would get and stay clean...But also as a mother of a young and very impressionable daughter I would not want her subjected to that nor would I ever want to put her in a position that could be very dangerous in many ways. The whole situation is very alarming and my concern is for the children. As far as the addict I hope this time it works for him but it sounds like he needs to stay away from his friend that comes into town.
I think this girl needed to be "shocked" into the reality of her situation.Quote:
Originally Posted by BMI
I am cynical in my opinions due to my personal and professional experience with people battling a drug addiction, which is why I am grateful for people like you who are hopeful in their rehabilitation, because if the world were full of people with my mindset there wouldn't be so many rehabs, only more jails.
The time for rehab to work on him was when he was in his teens. I AM hopeful for the young people with addictions to be "saved".
That said, this man made a choice to use drugs at a young age. Apparently the Just Say No campaign was lost on him, along with the numerous "second chances". This woman also has a choice. We are all hoping she chooses to walk away from him.
Its been a couple months since I've updated ,
Im still with this guy and he's still doing heroin Its so hard to leave I don't know what to do...
I don't know what advice we can give that you will take.
You know the dangers, you are choosing him over your daughters.
Nothing that we can say will mean anything, you will continue on your self-destructive path.
Why is it hard to leave?
You do know what to do.
Start with re-reading all of these posts.
I've gotten emotionally attached to this man I care so much about him, I've met his mother and she's been threw hell , I don't know how to leave..
Since you are determined to stay in this relationship.I am giving you a link so that you can contact a counselor free of charge on line to speak to your direct concerns.Quote:
Originally Posted by VAN5090
I have given you my input previous and my statement still stands but I think this link can help you.You do need help.
Effects of Heroin on the Family
I Saw him yesterday jobless for months now and collecting unemployment dressed down.
He told me to leave him that I don't deserve everything he's put me and his family threw and that He deserves to be alone and misreable, He told me he wants to change but its so hard Hes attending meetings but conffesed that he shot up again last week. :(
He's still on heroin? REALLY?
You could update this post in another year and it will be the same, only worse.
You said you were emotionally attached from the beginning. Staying with him made it more so.
It's HIS mother. Not your problem. You're making it your problem. WHY?
I guess you WANT to go through hell, too.
You have severe self-esteem issues. Why else would you NEED this guy?
Saddest part is, you've allowed a heroin addict into the lives of your children.
When you should be raising your girls and having fun, enjoying them, teaching them right from wrong, instead you're being the shoulder for his mother to cry on.
You need more help than can be offered here. A counselor can help you find out more about YOU and why you still cannot see why this guy is no good for you or your children.
Sadly, it is his life to live and until he decides to get help, things will always be the same.
Now you have a life with 2 daughters to think about so don't worry about a grown man that most likely will never change.
Focus on your life and kids.
You are attached to him and he is attached to heroin.Quote:
Originally Posted by VAN5090
I know that does not make him a bad guy.I have had addictions in my past and I know what a battle it is but you need to concentrate on your part in this drama.Follow the link I have provided and talk to a counselor.
Its free,you stand to lose nothing. Get help for you and possibly you will then be able to do what is best for him. Get educated about the disease.
Effects of Heroin on the Family
Van, I can tell you first hand. They do not change, my fiance's ex is going to rehab, again(6th time) for drug addiction(heroin mostly) and this one is a year long(which he won't do) and he just got out of rehab in December after 10 months, THEY DON'T CHANGE!
Van, Please look at the link Artlady provided because you need help. It ashame that it took him to tell you to leave him alone before you realize this. At least he knows he is no good for you because of his habit so please follow his advise and stay away from him.
What about your emotional attachment to your children?Quote:
Originally Posted by VAN5090
Does that mean NOTHING to you, because that is all I see.
You aren't a victim and I refuse to treat you like one. These children are victims and if you want to stay with this man, I highly suggest that you look for a legal guardian for your daughters. This is emotionally damaging to their future.
Face the facts, you have no relationship with him.
Something else I want to bring to your attention. This man is using needles and possibly unclean needles which is one of the main tools used to spread AIDS, Hepatitis C and other diseases. Be careful.
Took me 15 years to realize I could not change an alcoholic. MY decision to stay with, leave, and return to him 9 times before I permanantly left him damaged our children... They were 14 and 10 when we finally fled for good. It was by the grace of God that we had our lives when it was all over. The decision is yours, and only yours. Your children are innocents, and should not have to go through the drama, the pain, the fear, the constant rollercoaster life of living with addiction. They deserve a mother who loves them more than a man with a monkey who will never be off his back. Addiction is a lifelong thing. Drugs, alcohol, whatever, addiction is addiction. I am lucky, thankful, and grateful that my two natural children have overcome MOST of the damage that my lack of self esteem choices caused them, but I do know that they could have led much, much happier lives. And THAT was my fault. Their bad childhood memories are MY fault.
I appreciate that you have had one experience but there are many recovered addicts out there.Quote:
Originally Posted by Romefalls19
You are painting with a very broad brush.I was a heroin addict and I know it can be done.
Sadly, I don't think Van will be back.
Hopefully, I'm wrong.
They have to WANT to kick the habit, have a sound support system and enough will power to do it. There are not a lot of people out there, the number is far greater in the number of relapses than there are in the number of recovered addicts and studies support this.Quote:
Originally Posted by artlady
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